I always thought Bobby Parnell was the little black kid in the movie, Role Models, but I stand corrected. Now I think he’s the new closer for the Mets. At least that’s what I hope. On one hand, I feel like the Mets will want to see what Parnell can do in the closer role. Why would they audition Jason Isringhausen? He’s 50-something and was out of baseball already once in his career. On the other hand, the Mets may want to inflate Isringhausen’s value. “Hey, he could be a closer! See?” On the third lesser known hand that is actually just a lamb sock puppet, the Mets may just split the duties. Which way will they go, George, which way will they go? This is fun! I grabbed Parnell wherever I could, but didn’t grab Izzy cause I have just a little patience. As for Francisco Rodriguez, well, on the way out of the locker room, K-Rod saw his nickname in the mirror and sighed. He won’t be the closer in Milwaukee. That’s Axford’s job. I wouldn’t immediately drop K-Rod, but I’d ready my dropping finger. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Miguel Cabrera – After I said in my fantasy baseball top 100 for the 2nd half that Miggy would be number one unless he got injured, he goes and gets injured. How’s dem apples? Actually, a bit sour. It’s not apple season, though if an apple can grow in the fall why can’t it grow in the summer? Ah, questions, questions. The report out of Arizona is Miggy will be fine. He just left for precautionary reasons. Weird to see him leave before the last call. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Apparently, A-Rod’s got a bucket list (get creative with letter replacements for b) that he wrote when he was 15 years old. Madonna, check. Cameron Diaz, check. Christie Brinkley, check. “I wonder if Phoebe Cates will come to my pool party.” To spice things up, he puts on Betamax copies of Skinemax movies. “Oh, Emmanuelle…” Who needs Derek Jeter’s rejects when you can have Mickey Rourke’s? Please, blog, may I have some more?
Zack Cozart is a pickup in all leagues where you need a middle infidel. Go, I’ll wait here. *scratches chin, yawns, covers mustache with two fingers to see what I look like without it, shakes head* Welcome back! Cozart hit 17 homers and stole 30 bases last year. You know who that reminds me of? No, not you in high school. Let it go, man. It reminds me of Danny Espinosa. Danny has a bit more power and a bit less speed, but tomato-tomato with a different emphasis. Cozart also comes with the same potential to be an average drain. Also, Espinosa and Cozart sounds like a promising TNT drama starring Freddy Prinze Jr. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Dan Uggla has now homered in two straight games, but, more importantly, he has two other hits in those games, making him hotter than a junebug on a duck’s back or some other yokelism they say in The South. That’s at least compared to how he looked like Rocky Dennis on all his swings prior to this week. That’s if Rocky Dennis wore Affliction. “Yo, yo, yo, whaddup, boss? Get another round of Flaming Nads for my lady friends!” That’s Dan Uggla at Senor Frog’s. (BTW, it looks like the 3rd Giambi brother in the background of that Uggla picture.) I don’t think Uggla can get his average much higher than .230, but he’s still more than capable of getting to 30 homers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks as he continues to defy his FIP. BTW, if you were in a fantasy league with Murray Chass, you’d be getting your ass handed to you. “Hey, Grey, I just traded Alexi Ogando to Murray Chass!” That’s you two months before you’re throwing darts at a board with my picture. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Two weeks ago, Albert Pujols fractured his wrist. He said he was going to be out for 6 weeks but he wasn’t sure until he went back to his home planet Krypton, where he’s known as Al-El. On Krypton, Al-El had a heart-to-heart with a hologram image of Stan Musial. What Stan told Al-El was simple. “Hitting isn’t about arms, wrists or legs. It’s about flying backwards around the globe to before your wrist was hurt by Wilson Betemit and pulling your arm back. Then take two weeks to pretend like you’re injured so no one thinks anything weird is going on.” I’d be slightly concerned that Pujols is rushing himself back and he might not have his power immediately, if this weren’t Pujols. A few years ago, he revealed in the preseason he had a broke elbow tendon or some shizz and went on to win the MVP. He’s superhuman, don’t doubt him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jon Lester – He took a no-hitter into the trainer’s room where he found out he had a strained latissimus dorsi. So, he’s a dolphin? Well, if he’s that smart, have him throw with his other flipper. Or have Al-El touch your lat and make it better! Lester will probably be out a couple of weeks. So it’s longer than you want, but shorter than the Big Dig. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday was Juan Rivera’s birthday. *giggles like a schoolgirl* Wait, I wanna think about how the Blue Jays cut Juan Rivera on his birthday. *giggles again* It was his birthday! Man, that is rich. The Blue Jays should’ve had someone tell Juan a passage from Ezekiel 25:17. Not someone important just to rub it in further. Someone like the guy who cleans the jock straps. “Juan, there’s this passage I got memorized… Hold on, I have to put extra bleach on these underpants.” So in Juan Rivera’s place is Travis Snider. My love runs deep for Mr. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Replacing Phil Coke in the Tigers rotation is Charlie Furbush. It’s about time that Leyland gave Furbush a mustache ride. Furbush also sounds like a character description for someone in a Woodstock documentary. Or a character name in a 70′s porn flick made by Leyland called, “The Marlboro Mandingo.” That was co-starring Virginia Slim. Furbush looked great in the minors, posting a solid K-rate while keeping his walks in line. He is not a 2-something ERA pitcher as he’s shown so far this year. He’s leaving 93% of men on base, that won’t continue. He can give you around a 7 K-rate with a 3.75 to 4.00 ERA. I’d grab Furbush in H2H mixed leagues for matchups and in AL-Only leagues. In roto mixed leagues, you can grab him in certain circumstances, but caveat emptor for our Latin readers. (BTW, To all the Googlers who searched for Furbush and weren’t looking for a fantasy baseball site — howdy!) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Cole Hamels – Hit on his hand by a comebacker, but x-rays came back negative. Speaking of negatives that are positive, yesterday frequent commenter DHill Dragons pointed out the Phillies starting staff in June had a 1.96 ERA. A Philly quartet hasn’t been this hot since Boys II Men. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Erik Bedard is headed to the DL. The Bedarded they come, the Bedarded they fall. So, he has a sprained knee. “Ow, I think I hurt myself getting onto the examination table to have you check my shoulder.” That’s Bedard at the doctor’s office. Right now, the Erich Bedardens are showing the Bennis Carpensheeters a thing or two about staying unhealthy. Keep it sickly, Bedardens! Will be interesting to see if the M’s fill Bedard’s rotation spot with Chris Tillman– Oh, wait. At least the Mariners still have Adam Jones– Oh, that’s right. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dustin Ackley – Slam and legs with the lefty-on-lefty HR against Everyday Jonny Venters. He’s hitting 5th now for the Mariners, which is like hitting 10th for the Yankees. That said, any MI who can hit 10th for the Yankees, is pretty damn good. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ryan Madson went to the DL with numbness in his pitching hand. Hello, bullpen? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Brad Lidge is due back in a few weeks. AHHHHH! Now you feel a little sick. Antonio Bastardo would be the immediate add for vulture saves. That’ll keep you going through the show. Come on, it’s time to go. But that Bastardo is a lefty, so Michael Stutes could get some saves. Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying. Michael Stutes could get some saves. Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying. Michael Stutes– Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying. Forget it, I’d grab Bastardo if I were in desperate need for saves. Unless you have become comfortably numb. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brett Cecil – The man who sounds like a 70′s Playboy pinup has returned from Triple-A. During the preseason, I put Cecil in a tier of starters called, “There’s some upside here, but I wouldn’t expect anything,” and said more or less that Cecil was once considered better than Romero. Please, blog, may I have some more?
I contemplated picking up Lonnie Chisenhall for about as long as it takes me to eat a pupusa from my neighborhood El Salvadorean lady that has different hairnets to match her camisas. About 12.7 seconds. I’ll risk indigestión for those cheesy-pork flapjacks of wonderful. At the waiver wire, I was like, “So many rookies have come up — rookies with great pedigrees — and they’ve been pretty yawnstipating– Screw it, he has 3rd base eligibility.” In Arizona this spring, Rudy and I took in an Indians game and saw Chisenhall firsthand. He impressed us with his hitting — seemed like a bona fide mollywhopper — and was one of those guys we felt would make an impact in 2011. This year in Triple-A, he has 7 homers in 64 games and 17 homers in 117 games last year in Double-A. He may not hit for much average, and could be off some of my mixed teams in a few weeks because his power doesn’t immediately appear, but I’ll risk indigestión for some rookie nookie upside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mat Gamel – The Brewers recalled him. According to Rudy’s Point Shares, Gamel is a league replacement value 3rd baseman in a 12-team NL-Only league at 26/7/30/2/.256. The camera pans to Gamel for his reaction and he’s fumbling his drink. What a klutz. McGehee doesn’t have the corner locked down quite like Marlo Stanfield, but Gamel will probably only be up for a week during interleague. If Gamel hits like a beast as he’s done in Triple-A this year — 17 homers in 75 games — he could stick around. Or if the Brewers move back to the AL, which seems less likely. He’s worth an immediate pickup in all deeper leagues for a shot of adrenaline to your fantasy baseball heart. Please, blog, may I have some more?