Fantasy Baseball Advice

Hunter Pence has a patella tendon strain and won’t play until this weekend.  Though, more likely, he’s not playing much more in the regular season.  Don’t you love H2H leagues?  What I don’t understand is how you can fantasy baseball, which is a shizzload more intensive than fantasy football, then leave the end of the season up to luck like it’s fantasy football.  I enjoy my one or two H2H leagues, but only because I have ten roto leagues to offset the silly luck factor of H2H.  You draft a great team, then your first 5 round picks are sitting out in the finals of H2H?  Don’t tell me injuries happen in real baseball playoffs, so this simulates that.  Real baseball is played over 162 games, not week to week on who has, say, the most Holds.  So I like H2H, but don’t make as if its playoff system makes sense.  As for Pence, find someone else to fill in p to the ronto.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Todd Helton – Unlikely to return this season with back issues.  It’s probably because when he sits on his bottom, his back can go to the top of its slide.  Helton Skelton!

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4 with his 24th steal and 3rd steal in his last 4 games.  Sure, Rockies, now play Young like he’s a rookie scrub who you’re just feeling out, unsure if he can play in the majors.  I hate the Rockies.  Today I’m officially starting the trade Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign.  Gardy will let Young play and run and the M in MI in MN stands for mess.  All money donated to the site will not go to the Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign, but we can pretend it will.

Phil Hughes – Scratched from Wednesday’s start with back issues.  I hope he returned the favor to Brian Cashman.  That’s how the world works, Phil!

Robinson Cano – Hit his 12th HR in the 2nd half to go along with an AVG near .320.  Imagine how much better those stats would be if it weren’t for the HR Derby Win jinx!

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  In case The Wandwagon isn’t mentioned next week, I just want to say with his 3.51 ERA and decent Ks (164 in 184 2/3 IP) he’s proven once again to be a serviceable fantasy starter without the flash.  You’re blue collar, Wandy, and for that I respect you.

Josh Beckett – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Done in by two HRs by Mark Reynolds.  Maybe Godot had the scouting report on how to get him out.

Matt Garza – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  It’s an extravaGarza!

Chase Headley – 0-for-2, 1 RBI and a sacrifice.  Oh yeah, baby, he’s back!

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K in Coors.  I’m seriously considering doing a weekly podcast next year and, if I do, the first order of business will be finding someone to compose a Hodgepadre song.  In related news, the Rockies are really phoning it in this September.

Tommy Hunter – Left his start with a strained groin.  Wouldn’t wanna be near his colander.

John Mayberry Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  Yes, the Phillies are phoning it in even worse than the Rockies, but the good thing about a team phoning it in is they’ll play guys like Mayberry every day.

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-3 with his 2nd homer in his last three games.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot!  Who’s gonna be more valuable next year, Wilson Ramos or Jesus Montero?  Laughably obvious?  Or is it?

Brett Lawrie – Out for the year with a fractured finger.  First, House doesn’t win at the Emmys, now this.

Dan Haren – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Might miss his last start after being hit by a liner on the wrist.  His owners get pist.

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4 with the slam & legs.  Now has 12 homers and 22 steals.  Next year he might be my number one “Get this guy in every league” guy.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him get to 15 homers and 40 steals.  He’s gonna be Stubbs without the .240 average.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Hey, all you need is a short term hot schmotato and at least I’m not recommending Derrek Lee.  Oh, wait, a second…

Derrek Lee – 3-for-4 with a homer.  Now has three homers in the last 8 days.  Grey’s recommending Derrek Lee again, there goes the neighborhood.

Ross Ohlendorf – 2 IP, 7 ER.  Now has given up 31 earned runs in 33 and a 1/3 innings with a 1.99 WHIP.  Swollendwarf!

Lucas Duda – Left yesterday’s game due to dizziness after crashing into the right field wall.  Forget about moving the fences in, the Mets should move the fences back.

Brent Morel – Hit his 4th homer in the last ten games.  Brent Morel is looking Septacular!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This doesn’t have much to do with fantasy baseball (like Swollendwarf does), but does anyone else get the feeling that the Ubaldo deadline trade is gonna be one that the Indians look back on in ten years and regret?

Travis Hafner – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Pick him up and think about the fun you can have at the end of the season when someone looks at your roster and you have Derrek Lee, Vernon Wells and Hafner.  When they ask you how’d you win, you can freak them out by telling them it’s really 2006 and you hope Bob Barker hosts The Price Is Right forever.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I’m sure you’ll hear more about this when we go over our teams in the offseason, but after we inexplicably dropped Vazquez from our LABR team he’s put up 137 innings, 2.89 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, 9 Wins and 126 Ks.  Pretty much would’ve been leading our team from that point on.  He’s also been the topic of more discussion on IM between Rudy and I than maybe any other player.  Usually goes like this, “F**king Vazquez!”  “I know.”  “Seriously, f**k him!”  “I hate his face.”

Logan Morrison – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  He’s just lucky the minor league season is over so he can’t be demoted.

Bronson Arroyo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Oh, no, he’s endangering his Sigh Young chances!

Brandon Phillips – 3-for-4 with his 12th steal.  Yesterday, he said the Reds would not receive a “homeboy hookup” with his final contract.  Walt Jocketty volleyed back that he just wants to “pay a man his worth and keep it on the heezy.”  Phillips then replied through his translator, Barbara Billingsley, that, “The heezy is for sure, but Beezy needs to get the deezy or else he’s gonna Cherokee fade this piece.”

Asdrubal Cabrera strains his back, and, no “Asdrubal Strains Back” is not a sequel to a sci-fi porn movie.  At this time of the year, any little thing can knock people for the remainder of the year.  To help you picture what I’m saying, imagine this is April and we’re talking about Morneau.  That’s how easily players can get knocked out.  This injury comes on a day where Asdrubal hit his 24th homer.  Even if Da ‘drubal doesn’t return, he gave you everything he had this year.  Drubal took ’11 to 11.  For next year, I’m pretty sure he’s going to be a tad overrated.  He never hit more than 10 homers in any professional.  He’s been consistent with power this year from month to month, but his HR/FB% soared away above anywhere it had ever been before.  He should still be able to get around 15 homers next year, but if you get a 15/15 season, you’re suddenly wondering if a sure-to-be-underrated Jimmy Rollins isn’t a safer way to go.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Billy Butler – Missed yesterday’s game with the flu.  Someone dump a Gatorade cooler of chicken soup over Butler’s head.

Yunel Escobar – To the DL with an elbow injury.  Bobby Cox just wishes he injured it on Kelly Johnson’s face.

Brett Cecil – 3 IP, 4 ER which was followed by Kyle Drabek’s 2 IP, 6 ER as unrealized potential met yet-to-be-unrealized potential.

Doug Fister – Will be pitching in relief of Scherzer on Wednesday rather than starting as the Tigers get ready for the playoffs.  If Fister is the relief, I don’t even want to know what Scherzer translates to.

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K.  Freakin’ Braves with all the sexy young pitching, huh?  Freakin’ Braves.  I love them.  Beachy, Minor, Delgado, Vizcaino, all of them.  Now I know how Bill James feels when looking at Chris Davis.  Shoot that poisoned arrow through my heart, Braves pitching staff minus Jurrjens, Lowe and anyone else I’m forgetting that I don’t like!

Alex Gonzalez – 2-for-3 with his 15th homer, then left with a foot injury.  Comes a bad time because he was putting the coals in the fire, which isn’t an expression but should be.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-3 with a steal.  5 for his last 10 with a homer while batting in the 8 hole.  Maybe he just needed to be in the 8 hole to be comfortable, or maybe he’s just really too good to be batting in the 8 hole.  Hmm, wonder which one it is.

Pablo Sandoval – Hasn’t been able to bat right-handed because of a shoulder injury and might have offseason surgery to correct the issue.  Or that’s a cover for Lap-Band.

Ben Zobrist – Returns to the lineup on Wednesday after taking time off for the birth of his daughter.  No word on how many positions Mrs. Zobrist utilized for the birth, but – based on her profession – I’m guessing missionary on the conception.

Wade Davis – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Too bad he doesn’t play for the Jays, he could’ve relieved Drabek with his potentially-yet-to-be-unrealized-potential-that-might-not-be-potential-anymore potential.

Manny Ramirez – It’s being reported he’s going to play in the Dominican Winter League.  He’s hoping to meet up with Miguel Tejada down there to reminisce about the salad days of the 90s.  Maybe even start up a band, Man-Ram and the B-12 with their lead single, “Just Give Me A Shot (Of Your Sweet Sweet Estrogen Therapy).”

Adam Dunn – 2-for-6 as he doubled his season hit total.  No, wait, he doubled twice.  Sorry, honest mistake.

Dylan Axelford – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He was coming off a decent start vs. the Tigers but you shouldn’t have went anywhere near him for this start.  Though I can understand how you could get seduced by his conglomeration of cool names.

Bud Norris – Left his start with a sore shoulder.  He’s done for the year.  Or as they say in Spanish ‘ano completo.’

Kyle Blanks – Left the game with a right quad strain.  Seventeen men helped him off the field.

Jason Kipnis – 2-for-4 with a steal in the first game, and didn’t start the 2nd game.  He should’ve though because he’s seeing the ball well.  He’s hit in every game he’s started but three since August 1st.  (Sure, he’s missed about 20 games in there, but whatevs.)

Alex Liddi – His 2nd game in a row with a homer.  In broken English, he told reporters, “I drink your pizza!  I drink it up!”

Tom Milone – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Second start solid start for Milone.  He looks to be in the Slowey mold back before Slowey got screws put in his wrist and then put the screws to his fantasy owners.  Once upon a midnight dweawy, Slowey pondewed weak and weawy what could’ve been.  I still wouldn’t trust Milone if he gets one more start, but he’s now on the radar for deeper leagues in Twenty-Twelve.  Or as I’m gonna call it twelve past twenty.

Ross Detwiler – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Phils are in serious coast mode.

Danny Espinosa – 3-for-4 with his 20th homer.  You’re probably thinking to yourself, I don’t have the profiteroles to go with the cannoli to like Espinosa again next year.  You, sir, don’t know my pastry prowess.

Erik Bedard – 2 2/3 IP, 1 ER (3 unearned).  Of course the Sawx want to get to the playoffs, but has anyone seen their last four starters?  Wakefield, Weiland, Lackey, Bedard… So, they gonna pitch Lester and Beckett on one day rest throughout the playoffs?

Clay Buchholz – Threw a simulated game.  Unfortunately, he gave up 7 runs, but the 1976 Cincinnati Reds are a tough Strat-o-Matic matchup.  Damn you, George Foster!

Ian Kennedy loves each and everyone.  That’s why he gave you 12 Ks yesterday over 8 innings while only allowing one hit.  You say, “No, he doesn’t.  He doesn’t even know me.  How could he love me?”  You remember when you couldn’t find a parking spot at Chick-fil-A last week and you were about to give up when a chicken sandwich fell into the flat bed of your El Camino?  That was dropped there by Ian Kennedy.  So you tell me he doesn’t love you.  You tell me he doesn’t love you when he has a sub-3 ERA over 216 innings.  Tell me that.  A 1.08 WHIP and 194 Ks, he gives you that too, unconditionally.  Tell me he judges you when you try to fashion a belt out of twine.  He doesn’t judge you.  He loves you.  Love him back.  I do.  As for 2012 fantasy baseball, I’m thinking Kennedy could be a tad overpriced.  Yeah, my love just went out the window.  His BABIP’s a bit low and his LOB% is a bit high.  She says she likes the ocean.  I’ll look at him more in-depth over the offseason, but he’s got FIPping problems I need evaluate.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wily Mo Pena – 1-for-1 with 3 walks.  He has a career .303 OBP.  That’s like an 80 to 1 shot he can avoid making an out in four at-bats.  There must be a kid in a Seattle hospital who really cares about OBP.  (BTW, his hometown was the winner of the “Best Town To Substitute Into The Lion King Song” contest.)

Mike Carp – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and a homer.  Now has two homers in the last three games.  The one nice thing about playing for a non-contender at this time of year is the collective you has nothing to play for so players can go out and be selfish to prove their worth.  Unlike those silly playoff teams saving their players for games that matter.

Alex Liddi – 2-for-4 with a homer and he became the first paisan born in Italy to play in the major leagues in 50 years.  That’s a one spicy prospect!

Dustin Ackley – Mariners scored 12 runs and Ackley didn’t play.  Holy sit!

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer.  Has tailed off quite a but after the ASB (.233, 5 steals), but his power numbers have stayed fairly consistent.  Definitely peaked in May but 4 homers in August isn’t too shabby.

Chris Parmelee – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in three games as he bats .368 through 38 ABs.  In related roundup news, Alex Liddi likes to call him Chris Parm.

Ben Revere – 3-for-5 with 2 steals.  Now has 32 steals and is getting dangerously close to the point where he’s going to elicit questions next year.  “Hey, Grey, magnificent ‘stache.  Magnificent!  So what do you think of Ben Revere?  Obvious bargain, right?”  A guy with no power, around 30 steal speed is a dime a dozen in most mixed leagues.  Good waiver wire pickup is different than a good draft pick.

Ricky Romero – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Similarly to Kennedy, he has some FIPping issues too.  We’ll look at in the offseason.  We’ll debate, we’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll scratch ourselves, we’ll scratch someone else thinking it’s ourselves.

Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Bad week to quit closing out games.

Troy Tulowitzki – Getting closer to getting back on the field after taking batting practice and participating in other baseball activities.  Ya know, like spitting and grabbing himself.

Cory Luebke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Even if this start was in Coors, it was another solid year for Hodgepadres, and next year I’m definitely drafting only Padres pitchers on one team.  I gotta try it before the apocalypse.

Octavio Dotel – Got the save yesterday.  Motte came in for the ninth, messed around and gave up a triple, double, but it was not a good day.  La Russa lifted him with the bases empty and now who knows who’s the closer.  My guess is it’s still Motte, but we shall see.  Or not.  Or probably.

Jarrod Parker – Was officially called up yesterday.  I already went over my Jarrod Parker fantasy.  I wrote it while waiting in line at the DMV to have them change my height from five-seven to five-eight.

Mariano Rivera – Everyone’s heard by now that he broke Trevor Hoffman’s save record.  Surprised there wasn’t more made of this, but another record was broken yesterday.  Kerry Wood was deemed “done for the season” before the end of the season for a record 11 of 13 seasons.

Matt Angle – 3-for-8 with 2 steals in the doubleheader.  Far from an exciting name, but if you’re desperate for steals, he should get them over the next week-plus.  That’s your Angle.

Jed Lowrie – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, 3 runs and a homer.  Hasn’t been playing because of a bum shoulder.  Try some soap and getting rid of the shopping cart filled with junk.  He’s back now and, if his bat is hot, the Sawx will play him.

Geovany Soto – 3-for-3, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  I’ve been behind the scenes at Razzball HQ preparing the end of the season lists that will come in October and Soto wasn’t even in the top 20 catchers.  Though one big night may change that.  That was what they call a tease.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  After the game, he dedicated the 2nd home run to his biggest fan.  Me.  At least that’s how I cut the interview together with my iMovie.

Omar Infante – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer.  Nobody puts Infante in the corner.

Brad Hand – With the innings starting to creep up, the Marlins might shut him down.  Right now, the Marlins are talking to the Hand.

Joe Mauer is done for the year with pneumonia.  I’m almost 100% sure Morneau was the carrier of the virus.  On Friday, frequent commenter Mike said, “If you went to Joe Mauer’s house, went into his basement, jack-hammered through the concrete, and started digging, what would be the under/over on number of feet you’d have to go down before you found the first dessicated Native American corpse?  3 feet?  4 feet?  I mean, that Native American graveyard can’t be that far below the surface.”  I honestly never thought I’d say this this (stutterer!) early in his career, but I think Mauer’s going to be a bargain next year.  Assuming he falls into the 10th round or later, he’s worth the gamble at catcher for 2012, right?  I mean, even if he only gets 100 games and hits .300, it’s worth the ulcer, isn’t it?  I think so.  With that said (yeah, here comes opposite talk), I’m sure glad I haven’t drafted him the last two years in any league.  He hit 3 homers this year.  As in between 2 and 4.  Jesus Montero has that many in 10 games.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jason Kubel – Probably done for the year.  In related news, Morneau, Mauer and Kubel have a fishing trip planned for the first weekend of October and all Twins fans have a hunting trip planned for the same weekend.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Done for the year.  Back date that to March.  Are the Twins fielding a team this final week and a half?

Brian Dinkelman – 4-for-5 yesterday and 7 for his last 9.  When your team’s good news is Brian Dinkelman, you got a big fish that needs some frying or whatever that cliche is.

Ryan Howard – Out until Thursday, which will probably mean he plays only sporadically even after that.  Ross Gload will fill in.  Army with harmony…Dave, drop a Gload on him!

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he won his 24th game yesterday.  That’s pretttay pretttay good.  Tough year to be Jered Weaver.

Joakim Soria – Didn’t pitch this weekend.  Now all the Royals’ 9th inning eggs are hoping for some good Holland days.

Pablo Sandoval – Hit two homers in one inning.  When you throw Sandoval two meatballs, he jumps on them.

David Price – Left after 4 innings after being hit in the chest by a liner.  Should be fine for his next start, which he will throw while wearing knight’s armor.

Desmond Jennings – 2-for-5 with a steal.  In roughly a third of the season, he has 9 homers and 18 steals.  Yeah, go ahead and times those by three.

Brandon Morrow – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  There should a glossary term for these K-heavy pitchers that are a total tease.  You suggest in the comments, thank you.

Adam Lind – 2-for-3 with two homers.  Be nice if he went on one of his crazy 6 homers in 8 games binges.  Cust kayin’.

Joe Saunders – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He came through big time for my borderline starter post from Thursday.  (And Matt Harrison too.  Brad Lincoln, not so much.)

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3 with a homer.  With 8 homers and 45 Ks in 40 games this year, he’s either gonna be something special next year or a flat-out bomb.

Mark Reynolds – Homered on Friday and Saturday, then was beaned in the head by a Ervin Santana pitch.  His CT scan came back negative, then the CT scan picked up Johnny Bananas and carried him to the other side of The Gulag.

James Loney – 5-for-6 yesterday and two homers in two games on Friday and Saturday.  I don’t like saying to pick up Loney, so if I wink, it means pick him up.  Wink.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I have two things to note, neither of which is that interesting.  First, I can’t believe Greinke is barely under a 4.00 ERA in the NL.  Second, I can never remember if it’s a H or a K with Zack.  From writing 1200+ words five days a week about these players, I can spell Saltalamacchia without looking it up.  I could be in a baseball spelling bee and kick serious ass and get tripped up by spelling Zack.  I feel like there should be a standard Zack spelling.  H or K, that’s it.

Erick Aybar – 4-for-4, 2 homers, 5 runs, 4 RBIs and now hitting .434 in September.  Looks like a classic Septacular performance.

Adrian Gonzalez – It was revealed this weekend that he’s only taking batting practice every other day due to weakness in his shoulder.  He said, “(The weakness is) fine.  It’s the end of the year.”  Um, maybe in San Diego.

Mike Aviles – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer in three games.  Sawx kinda have to win games and Aviles, McDonald, Salty, Scutaro and Conor Jackson (when I saw his name as C. Jackson in the box score, I thought it was Curtis Jackson) are playing and Wakefield is pitching.   Up the team salary to $300 million.

Brandon Beachy – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER and 8 earned in his last 9 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  The good news for people who like bad news is he’s tired.   The other bad news is he might struggle next year if the Braves don’t shut him down.

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4 as he hit 8th in front of the pitcher.  He should consider apologizing to Fredi for whatever transgression he did to him or his family.  Meanwhile, pray he doesn’t hit three homers in one game in the playoffs and get on everyone’s radar again.

Manny Acosta – Closed out yesterday’s game while Parnell worked the 8th.  Honestly, I think the Mets are going to get a closer in the offseason and don’t really care who gets the ball in the ninth right now.  It’s not like they’re grooming anyone.

Chien-Ming Wang – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Marlins’ Brad Hand.  For a change of pace, this game saw Wang beating Hand.

A.J. Pierzynski – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  He reminded me of this classic post by Rudy.

Bryan LaHair – 1-for-3 yesterday and a homer on Saturday.  He should be playing every day, but he’s not.  I feel like someone should write a song titled, “The 28-Year-Old Rookie.”  Belle and Sebastian, where you at?

Jordan Pacheco – Batted third yesterday and went 0-for-4, but is hitting .320 over the last week with a homer.  He did so little in Triple-A this year, it’s kinda comical (3 homers, 2 steals, .278).  Guess if you’re really hogtied in a very deep league, you can take a look.

Allen Craig – 3-for-4, 2 homers.  Before this game, he hadn’t done much since he started, uh, starting.  But maybe this is the beginning of something.  Only Miss Cleo knows for sure.

Matt Holliday – Inferred here first after reading shizz elsewhere, it sounds like Holliday’s done for the year.

Mariano Rivera – Tied Trevor Hoffman’s save record.  Right after he breaks the record, the Yankees announced Bobby Parnell would take over as closer.

What a ridonkulous season from Melky Cabrera.  Most of youse didn’t even draft him and here he is in September going 4-for-5 with his 18th homer, raising his average to .303 to go along with 18 steals.  As they used to say in 14th century China, “Damn, Ming.”  The spilled coffee on the saucer that then drips onto your dress shirt is I don’t trust this guy at all for next year.  18/18/.300 becomes 12/15/.275 very fast.  Ask anyone that’s drafted The Big FraGu in the past.  And 12/15/.275 is pretty much unusable in most mixed leagues.  It’s the first guy off the team when there’s a hot pickup.  So enjoy your Melk for now, but don’t throw away the non-dairy creamer.  Hmm… That sounded better in my head.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Randy Wells -  4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  If you’re new to the site, you probably have no idea when I say donkeycorn, cyclops with a monocle, Cust kayin’, Sparky Anklebiter or a whole array of other gibberish.  But, more importantly for this, you don’t know about my previous love affair with Randy Wells.  During my Blue Period, I drank nothing but blueberry milkshakes and talked of nothing but Randy Wells’s eventual turn around.  The same mood can also be found in some of my early Jeremy Guthrie posts.  Then Randy Wells started pitching well recently.  I grew excited.  Not in that way.  Then I thought about picking him up.  Luckily, I didn’t.  He’s the devil.

Logan Morrison – First game back in the lineup and he went yard for his 20th.  He filed a grievance against the Miami Marlins yesterday.  Or is it still Florida?  How can they change their name?  There’s so much history!  This grievance is because Morrison said he was disciplined without “just cause.”  Love to hear the Marlins say, “No, you were disciplined “just cause” we can.”

Hanley Ramirez – Dr. Freeze performed shoulder surgery on Hanley and he should be good to go for the 2012 season.  Will be interesting to see where he’s drafted.  Out of the gate, I’m guessing he’ll go around the 4th round and then will bump up when good news comes out of Spring Training or bump down if a setback happens.  These are the kind of things that interest me.  I can’t imagine why these things don’t interest the girls I’m talking to at a bar.

Mike Stanton – 0-for-3 as he returned from the DL.  I’m holding my hands in the shape of a heart over my actual heart.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 2/3 IP, 4ER, 13 baserunners, 1 K.  For what it’s Wuertz, I’m gonna like Chacin again next year.

B.J. Upton – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer.  I like Upton a lot.  I don’t think it’s subconsciously because of his first name.  Why don’t others like him?  Do I sound needy?

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 16th homer and fourth in the last four games.  BP is doing work, son.  On a related note, the people who bought tickets for this Cubs and Reds game back in March must’ve been bummed this game meant nothing, but then they ended up seeing a good game.  September Grey is so empathic.

Chris Heisey – 2-for-5, his 17th homer and 2nd in as many games.  Too much talent on this team at the dish, I like everyone except Paul Janish.  I just freestyled that.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Number one reason I don’t bet on sports.  Would’ve never guessed Ogando had this bounce back start in him.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks and 2 homers allowed.  It’s a lot of pressure dealing with an aptronym.

Mark Buehrle – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 17 baserunners(!!!), 1 K.  That was karmic retribution for the no-hitter and perfect game.

Pablo Sandoval – 4-for-4 and his 20th homer as he yelled at each pitch to get in his belly.

Kyle Weiland – 3 IP, 4 ER.  When a big game is on the line the one guy the Red Sox want on the mound is Jon Lester or maybe Josh Beckett, so they threw Weiland yesterday and he should go back to singing “Plush.”

Adrian Gonzalez – 0-for-3 with his 111th RBI.  Make a wish.  Like, maybe, don’t lose the Wild Card.

Shin-Soo Choo – Was activated then reaggravated his oblique and is done for the year.  Hey, Shin-Soo, FU.

Kyle Kendrick – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I’m beginning to think I could have an under-3.50 ERA if I pitched for the Phils.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Whatever, Kendrick was able to get the win.  That’s what Cy Young voters look at.

Ian Desmond – 5-for-6, 3 RBIs and one run.  Without looking it up, I’m guessing this was the biggest game of his career.  Where else do you get such insight?  I ask you, where else?!

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-5, 3 runs.  He could have a breakout season next year too.  It’s all about catcher depth this week at Razzball.  Aren’t you glad the week’s over?

Tom Milone – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First start of three where he’s looked competent.  He should compete for a rotation spot next year, but outside of very deep keepers, he’s not worth your time yet.

Jayson Werth – 0-for-5 as he talked his way into the lineup yesterday.  Here’s what Davey Johnson said, “(Werth) is getting treatment on it every day.  He had some strange looking blue tape on it (Wednesday) night.  I texted him early this morning and asked if he needed a blow….  He texted me back and said, ‘I’m fine. I felt stiff yesterday, but I feel good.’”  What on earth is going on in the Nats’ clubhouse?  Is this why Davey Johnson is so popular with his players?