The Pirates announced the time is nigh for Starling Marte. The Pirates equipment manager, Buffalo Bill, has to start making a uniform made from Jose Tabata’s skin. Put the lotion in the basket, Tabata! Tabata, “I wanna go home!” You won’t go home, ever.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yasmani Grandal is starring in an off-off Broadway production of OBPwulf. Since everyone was supposed to read Beowulf, but no one has actually ever read it, the play starts with Grandal standing on first after a walk, and then he stands there and stands there and stands there, waiting for another Padre hitter to get him to 2nd base.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Chicago White Sox started a three game series with the Yankees last night and came up with a huge win. Jose Quintana pitched 6.0 innings, gave up 8 hits, 6 ER, 5 Ks, and got the win. As far as starts at Yankee Stadium go, this one could have been a lot worse.Please, blog, may I have some more?
As David Brent’s friend would say, “Only one for the Bum, no harm done.” Madison Bumgarner got SF another SHO as he threw a game that made it easy to get behind the Bum and not just for those in The Castro — 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 walks and 8 Ks.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yankee pitchers haven’t been hit this hard since Ed Whitson ran into a Billy Martin drinking jag. You know, Yogi’s always the one quoted from the Yankee archives, but Billy had some good ones too. Here’s my favorite, “I’d like to mouth f*** that bottle of whiskey.” Before the Yankees game, CC Sabathia hit the DL with an abductor strain in his groin. Someone’s got clams! CC is supposed to be fine to go right after the All-Star break, as long as no one else tries to shuck his groin. Then, once the game got going, Andy Pettitte was hit in the ankle with a comebacker. Pettitte is supposed to be out for 6-8 weeks. At least he didn’t pull a Zumaya during his retirement and hurt himself playing Guitar Hero (or, more likely, Guitar Praise). The Yankees’ rotation now has plenty of room for anyone the Cubs, Astros, Padres or Brewers want to give trade them. I did the crossed out text thing, I’m a jerkoff! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Daniel Hudson – Torn UCL.Please, blog, may I have some more?
In a Hudson vs. Hudson battle, Tim won on a technicality as Daniel Hudson left the game with what seemed to be a forearm injury. To add insult to injury, he left the game after giving up 5 ER on 7 hits in 1 2/3 IP. With a ghastly 7.35 ERA in 45 IP this year, injury or not, it’s time to cut Daniel Hudson from mixed leagues. He looked primed to build upon a solid 2011 but so did Kate Hudson after Almost Famous. Let’s just hope Daniel doesn’t wake up to find Alex Rodriguez in his bed, begging him to go blonder and to tone up his arms. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jason Kubel – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. Hey, Code Rossi wants back his fantasy outfielder value! Kubel has 4 homers this week and is hitting .333. May not be a long-term solution, but I’d give him the ol’ how’s your father? Even if his last name sounds like a vaginal exercise.Please, blog, may I have some more?
As I announced yesterday after inferring things from elsewhere, it’s official. Anthony Rizzo will be in tonight’s lineup vs. the Mets. I’d continue to paint the walls of your brain with more praise, but I think we’ve heard enough. If I effuse anymore, you Rizzo owners aren’t going to be able to get into your pants anymore. Let’s look at reality for a second, last year he hit 1 homer and .141 in 49 games and 128 ABs. I didn’t make those numbers up. I seriously just looked them up on the Al Gore-invented Internet. One homer, .141 average. That sounds downright Zimmermanian. Sure, it was in Petco (for his home games), and the only one that likes to hit there is Tony Gwynn and he’s hitting the buffet. Is it totally outta the realm of possibility that Anthony falls flatso? Noppers. Right now, Rizzo might be at the height of his value. Say you have Konerko, Middlebrooks and really no room for Rizzo, except by clogging up your Utility spot. I wouldn’t hold onto Rizzo waiting for his value to possibly drop out. It might take alligator blood to trade Rizzo right now, but to the bold go the fantasy spoils, or whatever that cliche is. This is not to say I think he will Triple Lindy back into Triple-A, but it’s out there as a possibility. You didn’t just back up into Miguel Cabrera off of waivers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Travis Wood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. You know something the media hasn’t covered much? What a great year it is for pitchers with double entendre last names. We haven’t seen anything like this since The Big Unit tried a backdoor cutter. Wood has a K:BB 35:20 in 48 1/3 IP. That’s fine for NL-Only leagues, but I’d be careful letting Wood poke around my mixed league team.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The trade to the White Sox couldn’t have worked any better for Kevin Youkilis. Now he can just chuck all of his clothes in with some bleach. I imagine him and Ventura will get along thick as thieves. They can bond over how they were both publicly beat up.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Roy Oswalt made his much anticipated debut in Texas last night and grabbed his first win, pitching 6.2 innings and striking out 9 Rockies. He surrendered 9 hits and had to throw 110 pitches, but otherwise looked solid. Oswalt cruised through the first 6 innings — his fastball was topping out in the low 90s and his slow curve looked especially nasty. Roy ran into trouble in the 7th and after giving up back-to-back hits to Dexter Fowler and Marco Scutaro, he was pulled.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The A’s called up Derek Norris, the catcher prospect they got from the Nationals. Little known fact: The Nats traded Norris because he’s less kidnappable. You might remember Derek Norris was in the huge trade Beane pulled off back in December that had Gio going to the Nats.Please, blog, may I have some more?