My schmohawk posts are like the fantasy equivalent of Final Destination. First, A.J. Pollock loses his season, then Kyle Schwarber is carted off the field after running into Fowler. If I were Miguel Sano, I’d look both ways while carefully crossing to the plate to strikeout. And Tulo, well, I would just stay in the hyperbaric chamber that you sleep in for your hamstrings. I’m not sure if it was the writing of the posts, publishing of the posts or simply thinking about writing the posts that jinxed these players. Where does my kavorka start and end? Is it okay for me to think bad thoughts about Trevor Story? How serious are my premonitions? Oh, and one side note, you never want to see anyone get hurt, but how on earth did Schwarber get hurt and Fowler was fine? Schwarber’s got like 200 pounds on him. Damn, Dexter Fowler is one strong bean. So, Schwarber has a sprained ankle and is headed for an MRI today. He could be gone for a while, which could help Jorge Soler see some light, though I’m not sure this won’t just mean more playing time for Matt Szczur, Javier Baez (when he returns) or Kris Bryant into the outfield. I’m not even joking; Maddon’s playbook is written in hieroglyphics and the Rosetta Stone didn’t make it through baggage claim. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Shawn Tolleson went zero innings and gave up five earned for the blown save. Why is there blood dripping down the back of my leg? OH GOD, TOLLESON, WHAT HAVE YAO REEKED?! Yao is totally a medieval word for you, by the way. Yao Ming was medieval for “You mean?” Rather popular question in the olden days. Any hoo! Jesus, Tolleson, I wish I owned Jesus Tolleson, the Dominican League 2nd baseman from the Punta Cana Putas, instead of you. That was egregious, my man. At least buy me dinner before touching up my nethers with an iron maiden. Someone tase me so I forget about it. I immediately grabbed Sam Dyson and Keone Kela, wherever I could. It’s not completely clear who would be next, but Dyson has been used as the 8th inning setup man recently, so he’d be my first choice. If Tolleson looks wonky in one more game, he might no longer be the closer. Or as Elvis Costello would say, “Tolleson, I know the M’s are killing you, but my aim for SAGNOF is true.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“It’s an All-Star edition of Chopped! I’m your host, Ted Allen. Let’s meet the competitors. First up, Aaron Sanchez.” *hits fast forward button* “You know, I didn’t think you could put together such a great starter with turkey jerky, kumquats, Mallomars and boxed rice, but this sauce you made is divine.” Alex Guarnaschelli lifts the bowl and slurps. Geoffrey Zakarian, “I thought it could’ve used a bit more spice.” “Okay, GZ.” True Story Alert! My dog’s name is Ted, and the dog walker’s name is Allen, so in my phone I have him listed as Ted Allen. Whenever he calls, I yell out to Cougs, “I finally got on Chopped!” So, I started Aaron Sanchez and he threw a dazzler, 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. His 89th pitch was a 97 MPH fastball. Sign me up for some of that! I grabbed him off waivers in my RCL (no idea why he wasn’t owned), and I plan on starting him every time out, Stream-o-Nator be damned! To keep the runner at first, I’m gonna quick pitch this one. For the cost of four cups of coffee, you get the Stream-o-Nator. To buy stats for all major leaguers that helps the tools run costs us about $8,000. There’s a shizzton of man hours for Rudy to make the tools. A lot of it is a labor of love; we get that. No one is getting rich here; again, it’s all good. I don’t want to pay extra taxes anyway! Now, with that said (here comes a reversal!), I take the Stream-o-Nator with a grain of salt in April. Sample sizes need to grow. Ugh, that’s what she keeps saying! That’s the size of the sample, sweetheart. Please, don’t put me on the DL with a fractured ego. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
*takes a long inhale* “You smell that, Roberta? You, with the yellow-stained armpits and sweatpants, I’m calling you Roberta. That’s baseball you smell. In its infinite complexity and finite simplicity. The foul lines whiter than any Lohan mirror. The grass? Manicured better than any Vietnamese lady could. The object of the game? Accumulate the most stats so I win my fantasy league. Simple, yet complex. Like trying to understand Jeff Foxworthy’s appeal. From today forward, this is our Independence Day (from all that other shizz in our life).” The preceding was Bill Pullman visiting the set of Field of Dreams. To that end, Roberta and your long-flowing sideburns, if the idea is to win saves, that difficulty intensifies when you draft Ken Giles and Luke Gregerson becomes the closer. That’s funny, because the Astros beat writer the other day said GILES IS THE CLOSER. Caps his, not mine. I know how to shut off my caps lock. So, now that GILES IS THE SETUP MAN, I would GRAB Gregerson in EVERY league, though, if it’s competitive, he’s likely GONE by NOW. No idea why Giles is NOT the CLOSER. My GUESS is the Astros went OUT and GOT Giles withOUT their manager, A.J. Hinch, agreeing, so Hinch IS now BEING petulANT. I’d prefer if he were petulANT with A closER I DO NOT OWN. Hey, it looks like I’m typing this on a busted Smith-Corona. Fun. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s Opening Day, so what better time to start an “I Told You So.” Sure, any time is a good time for an “I Told You So,” and that doesn’t just hold true for So Taguchi. Though, that “I Told You So” rings true, as well. That’s if you did indeed tell So something, and he doesn’t heed your prescience. Oh, and don’t be scared, Carl Everett, prescience isn’t science from before science. So (Taguchi), A.J. Pollock has a fractured elbow. I told you not to draft him. Of course, I didn’t say he’d fracture his elbow; my Magic Eight Ball isn’t that precise, but I did say to avoid him in drafts. If you would’ve just followed that, we’d all be okay. You didn’t listen because you know better, and I’m not talking about that Armenian dishwasher you befriended at the bus stop, Better Vardanyian. You might know that Better, but you didn’t know better than to draft Pollock. For you drafters of Pollock, I’ll pour some of my “I Told You So” juice out that I’m marketing with So Taguchi. By the way, So Taguchi — retired for seven years, but a major part of the Opening Day roundup. Good for So Taguchi. And great for us, we got baseball! And not great for Pollock, he’ll be out for the better part of the year, if not the whole shebang, to quote Ricky Martin. I grabbed Socrates Brito in one league because he’ll be facing the majority of pitchers (righties). He was in my top 80 outfielders. I’m a big fan, though not as a houseguest. Wearing nothing but a toga on a couch is a little gross. He has solid speed and some power, think 10 HRs and 22 SBs. A poor man’s Pollock, I will call him Warsaw Ghetto. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“With my last trick, I will make Paul Simon six feet tall, while throwing a 94 MPH fastball with pinpoint control.” Then Ray Searage waved a fancy-style cape in front of the audience. It didn’t block their gaze, but it was such an exotic-looking garment, they were distracted enough to not notice a six-foot-tall Paul Simon walk onto stage, towering over Art Garfunkel. Simon then threw a brushback pitch while singing Home Plate Bound. Prior, of course, Searage made the seemingly all-over-the-map Juan Nicasio into an ace. Or at least an ace in spring training. Do I believe Nicasio is fixed because of some spring training stats? Actually, yeah, he could be, and is worth a flyer. Last year, he averaged 95 MPH on his fastball, and his undoing was always his control, which Searage has helped other pitchers conquer. Bring Searage your stuff, and he’ll make it work. I added Nicasio into the top 80 starters and gave him the projections of 8-10/3.81/1.33/148 in 165 IP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Rockies made official what seemed inevitable for the last week, Trevor Story will be the starting shortstop in Colorado. As a visiting dignitary gets a key to the city, Story earned the shortstop job and was handed one of Tulo’s old hamstrings. “May your hamstrings stay forever young.” That’s Rod Stewart doing the honors. No idea why Colorado hired Rod Stewart to handle that ceremony. I upped Story in my top 20 shortstops, and cranked up his projections. His Ks have been a problem in the past, but it’s Coors, so how bad could it be? “Should I answer?” No, Josh Rutledge, it’s a rhetorical question. I’m fascinated to see what the Rockies are going to do with Jose Reyes. He’s owed a lot of money to become a straight bench player. Maybe the Rockies will just cut him. Maybe MLB will suspend Reyes for the season. Maybe the Rockies will hire Mo’nique to throw Reyes threw a glass door. Maybe if I had dollars instead of maybes I’d be rich. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
After Jada Pinkett Smith started the #closerssowhite controversy, boycotting SAGNOF until there were more black closers, because her husband, Will Smith, wasn’t immediately anointed closer of the Brewers, the entire MLB began a well-needed discussion about race. Our Commissioner Manfred said, “I thought about this for a brief second, then I realized the entire league is Dominican. I mean, before I was chosen as commissioner I had to vacation in Punta Cana for a long weekend just to ‘feel the vibe’ as Selig said.” Jada Pinkett Smith said she will not sleep until her husband gets saves or Torii Hunter comes out of retirement and is made closer of one of those real white teams, “Maybe Minnesota.” Closers So White lives on. Will Smith’s closer season, however, looks about as promising as an After Earth sequel. On Saturday, it was reported he tore his LCL. He tore his 150? That’s like when Pablo Sandoval’s dyslexic cousin saw Pablo tore his 501’s. My money’s on Jeremy Jeffress getting the most saves in Milwaukee this year. My money also has Alfred E. Neuman on it. Jeffress is the top guy from the Brewers pen in my top 500 with Corey Knebel up next. The fantasy baseball war room has been updated, as well. (By the way, some rejected titles for this post were Collateral Ligaments of the World Ain’t Nothing But Trouble and Will Smith Gettin’ Limpy With It.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Seems like Andre Ethier followed Natalie Portman’s advice in Garden State a little too closely when she told Braff that The Shins will change your life. Dodgers announced that Ethier would miss 10 to 14 weeks with a fractured tibia. What is that, two days after I drafted Ethier in Tout Wars? Two and a half? One and one three-quarters of a tibia later? All you can do is laugh. A high-pitched, crazed laugh like when you lose your job, then step in an empty elevator shaft. One of those real crazy laughs that you expect to hear from someone pushing a shopping cart filled with Ho-Ho boxes that have been removed of Ho-Hos and replaced with dog turds. One of those kind of laughs. Filling in for Ethier will be some combo of Scott Van Slyke, Carl Crawford, Kike Hernandez and Trayce Thompson, a group that could be summarized with: Bleh, Meh, Jewish, Girl. I removed Ethier from my top 100 outfielders and top 500. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Astros announced that Lance McCullers would start the year on the DL. Just like a Mick to skip out on work on St. Patty’s Day. Keeping an eye on you, Andrew McCutchen! At least we don’t have to start the year with tears for Fiers. Everybody wants to rule the Astros rotation! With it being announced that McCullers would start the year on the DL, I dropped him 15 spots in my starting pitcher ranks and lowered his projections. He’s now in the top 60 starters vs. the top 40 starters. He’s a young pitcher with a shoulder issue, so if you take my previous excitement and divide it by my current hesitation, you get the entire Angels team dancing on the head of a pin. Okay, my math might be off there, but I’m trying to weigh my current cautious optimism with my realistic pessimism. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?