Ever been on a couples trip to the beach where the other couples have AT LEAST three kids a pop? That’s right, I say “at least”, for I am not even entirely sure how many of these little bastards I’ll be d*cking around with. I bring this up only because I’ve been participating in extravagant amounts of soul-searching, spending more time on my knees than Elton John’s personal taint-trimmer, begging the Elders for a resolution that never seems to arrive: Does Beddict want children of his own some day? First off, who are you to say that I don’t have a child somewhere that I don’t know about? Secondly, I passed out last night before even finishing a paragraph as, for some reason, people still actually believe getting fast food is a wonderful idea, even though it’s full of outrageously disgusting products that make me feel like I just inhaled four sticks of deep fried butter and washed it down with a liter of turbo-lax. Seriously, I love sitting around with 17 kids, pretending to be somewhat interested in whatever these other adults living the American dream have to say, while simultaneously following all the MLB action going on and wondering if their wive’s were attractive at one point in time…
“Sorry, what did you say dude? Your truck has how much horsepower and your hatch-back with super-sick exhaust is hella bad-ass, even though you are pushing 50? Why are your dogs locked in a cage in the middle of the living room and why do they look as if they would love nothing more than to chew on my throat for 35 minutes, following that up with a neighborhood cat-killing spree that makes The Purge, look tamer than Home Alone 3, you know the one with that wack ass kid from Liar, Liar?”
I seriously need answers on how you guys/gals live your life with actual children around all the time… I cannot get anything done. In fact, I can hear the little beasts now, as everyone is waking up for a FULL 8 hours on the beach in 90-plus degree weather. Maybe I’ll tell them I’m almost done with an extremely important write-up and that I’ll meet them at their beach spot, when in fact I’ll just be doing lines with one of those creepy bathroom attendant dudes who sells cologne spray and single cigarettes at the local strip club, which I’m sure is absolute garbage. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Anyway, here’s what I noticed last night regarding the fantasy baseball world as I rudely ignored all the other adults in the house. Take heed!
Yesterday, Dirt McGirt, Dirty Nasty, Tha Ol’ Dirty Chinese Restaurant, Big Baby Jesus, Odubel Herrera went 0-for-5 with 5 Ks. Last Phillie to do that was Pat Burrell. Burrell remembers wistfully, “Ah, yes…’Slump Buster September 2008.’ That was Jamie Moyer’s granddaughter’s friend. She was like a keg with two arms. She looked like Matt Stairs with longer hair. I believe Brett Myers introduced us. Now that I think about it, maybe that’s why she was always flinching.” Odubel’s average is down to .226 and his OBP is .275. M-E-T-H-O-D MAN that is bad. Shame on a Herrera. Ooh, baby, I like it raw, but that’s filled with salmonella. He swings at the third most pitches outside the strike zone and his strikeout rate is up 4% while his walk rate has fallen 4%. Put it all together and you have one of the worst hitters in the majors right now. So, can he come out of it? Future: Cloudy. He’s more of a .265 hitter, but swinging at balls outside the zone can quickly spiral and shove him further into his slump. Before last year, he had a full season of 8 HRs and 16 SBs, couple that with .265 and you’re not looking at the guy you thought you were getting in March. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Okay, this is weird, but Sonny Gray and I are complete opposites. Sonny Gray is in Bay Area, and it’s Grey Albright in Los Angeles. Weather you like it or not, that’s weird! Pun noted too! Grey Albright plays fantasy baseball; Sonny Gray plays reality baseball! It’s freaking me out! Grey Albright’s face is mustachioed; Sonny Gray’s is not. Sonny Gray is athletic; I am not. He works for a newspaper called Ballrazz, which is super-terse and serious. It’s uncanny! Yesterday, Gray (him) went 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.34. Okay, time to take a new look. I did like him at one point in his career, before everything went sideways. His velocity and two-seam fastball are back. Right now, his two-seam is his best pitch, however, his curve is not back to where it was in 2015. Watching some video on him showed a guy that can get swings and misses, but had a bit of a favorable strike zone yesterday. I’d be careful in shallower leagues, but he looks closer to his breakout from two years ago than he has in a while. Now, if he’s married to a younger woman, I’m gonna plotz over all of our opposites. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:
Excuse me for one second, there’s a doorbell ringing. *opens door* “Luigi! Paisan! What are you doing here?” To you, “This is Luigi, my tailor. And, yes, I’m addressing you, the audience, like it’s Sesame Street.” “Grey Liotta, as you insist I call you, I saw Michael Conforto had a huge game – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and hit his 12th and 13th homers, now hitting .333 with a .425 OBP — and I say I have to go see my favorite customer to let out his inseam.” “Ah, Luigi! You know me better than anyone, except my mustachioed mother and even more stereotypical Italian barber!” On a serious note, what Michael Conforto is doing now is why the Mets should promote Amed Rosario. Reyes, Walker, yadda, blah, blooie are not going to lead to anything of note. Maybe they have a good game or two, maybe a solid week, but, in the end, you have *raspberries lips* and Rosario still with no major league experience. Not even saying Amed’s the answer like Iverson, but you have to give guys a chance over these third-rate vets that lead you nowhere. If the Mets had given Conforto the at-bats all last year, he might’ve came out of his 1st half slump and carried them in the 2nd half and thru the playoffs. As for those who don’t know me as well as Luigi, I’ve always said Conforto would be an All-Star at some point. This is not out of nowhere, nor someone to sell high. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Let me know if you can tell what song I’m listening to while I write this. Scott Schebler hit his 13th home run; it was the third straight game with a homer. Whoa, make me sweaty (Bam-ba-Lam)! I’ve mentioned before (numerous times) that Schebler was always loved by Razzball/Steamer projections, but why? He’s so rock steady (Bam-ba-Lam)! Whoa, Dave Righetti (Bam-ba-Lam)! Schebler took a while to catch on, but he’s still only 26, and, as a 23-year-old in the minors, he hit 28 HRs and stole 10 bases while hitting .280 in Double-A, and continued that in Triple-A, always hitting for power and getting some steals. He’s not from Birmingham (Bam-ba-Lam)! Way down in Alabam’ (Bam-ba-Lam)! Well, he’s shakin’ that thing (Bam-ba-Lam)! Boy, he makes me sing (Bam-ba-Lam)! Whoa, drop confetti (Bam-ba-Lam)! Across the board now, ROS projections are singing Schebler’s praises and I’m done fighting him. If you combine his ROS projections and what he’s done so far, they have him down for a 30 HR, 10 SBs, .255 guy. Whoa, pot of neti, (Bam-ba-Lam)! At this point, there’s no reason to not own Schebler until further notice. Whoa, sometimes I dress my dog up like a yeti, (Bam-ba-Lam)! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matt Adams was acquired by the Braves for Juan Yepez, who was always a little too excitable for the Braves — Yepez! See? Not a good look. It was a tearful exit from the Cardinals’ clubhouse for Adams. His emotions hit a crescendo when he realized he couldn’t carry out all the food he had accumulated in the clubhouse refrigerator. Through tears, “Why didn’t I learn to balance soda on my head like I was Jamaican?” Hey, mon, they have grape soda in Atlanta. Adams will be the 1st baseman in Atlanta until Freeman returns, while conceding to Loney on occasion, assuming Adams doesn’t try to eat him, “I thought his jersey read Baloney! I’m a terrible person!” Adams gets a boost in value, but mostly just for NL-Only and very deep leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Braves rookie phenom/shortstop/TV dinner mogulDansby Swanson was 2-for-2 last night with his fourth home run and two RBI. Daaaaaaamn, B! YES! Keep doing this. If you held onto Swanson this long (especially in a redraft leagues) you deserve what is happening to you right now. What is happening is Dansby is hitting .360 with 4 runs, 2 homers and 6 RBI in the past week! When your draft day sleeper is finally making you look smart, but most people have already forgot. Sure, he’s still hitting just .201, but these are the kind of things you ignore when you have blind faith and are looking to ride the rookie train to some fantasy fame. I attribute some of this to the cleansing therapy we’ve been taking together. It’s pretty simple, bad vibes–bad, good vibes–good. Harness the good energy, block out the bad. Pretty easy, right? Also, let’s just meditate in this sweat lodge for 12 hours and have a “vision” about how not to strike out as much. After hitting just .156 in April, Dansby is hitting .286 in May. He’s also doubled his OBP, SLG% and has drawn twice as many walks as he did last month. Dan’s be good like that! He’s available in little over half of fantasy leagues right now and if Swanson happens to be out there on waivers in your league, this might be your last chance to grab him before the hype returns. Trust me, this kid’s gonna be a star! Ha-cha-cha!
Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:
Yesterday, Jose Berrios went 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, bringing his two-game ERA to 0.59. Hi ho the Berrios, snitches! Here’s what I said previously on Jose Berrios (because this is instructive, and not out of laziness), “In Triple-A, Berrios threw 75 2/3 IP and had a 2.62 ERA with a 9.9 K/9 and a 1.7 BB/9. That’s Sizzlean that you leave on top of your camel’s head as you gallop through the Sahara heat. You don’t usually see that kind of sample size — that’s what she said! — in Triple-A. You know why? Most major league teams promote guys who are as good as Berrios. Most teams also don’t tie a player’s paycheck to a string then drag said check right in front of the player’s feet, just out of their reach.” And that’s me quoting me! Here’s the kicker. That was from two years ago! I’ve loved this guy for a long time — that’s not what she said! His first two games I’d describe as ‘a little difficult’ to pretty easy. His next start at Baltimore will be the true test. If you’re in a competitive league, you need to own him now before he goes out and throws a gem in Balty-more (they call it that, right?). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Bautista is such a douche canoe. He bat-flipped after a home run that cut the Braves lead to 8-4. That’s like “Pimp my Ride” with a Hyundai. That’s like moonwalking at a bar mitzvah with toilet paper on your shoe. That’s like screaming at your recently ex-girlfriend, “I’ll never be alone, because I will always have my mom!” He’s hitting .208, and hasn’t looked right since Odor ended him like Drago ended Apollo. Any hoo! This has nothing to do with Bautista. Well, kinda. Freddie Freeman was hit on the wrist, and then all hell broke out for the better part of the Jays/Braves games. Freeman looked like he was in serious pain and he’s headed for an MRI and CT scan today. I don’t own him, but I will join your prayer hexagon if you need me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
We have our first big call-up of the major league season!!! “Yoo-hoo!” You want chocolate milk, Cody Bellinger? “I was drawing attention to myself, since I was called up first.” Oh, yeah, but you feel like you were always here. “Oh, well, that’s nice of you to say–” Shut up, Cody Bellinger! Bradley Zimmer, now this is a call-up! “I’ll be up soon!” Shut up, Amed Rosario! This is about Bradley Zimmer. Zimmer is a guy who is a speed-first, power-second, average-third guy. Actually, on base percentage second in leagues that count that sorta thing. In Triple-A, he had five homers, nine steals and a 30% strikeout rate. He looks like Keon Broxton who should be platooned out of the lineup against lefties. I will call him, Right-on Broxton. I grabbed him in all leagues where he was available, you don’t want to miss out on the first big call-up. “Seriously, are you just ignoring me?” Bellinger, you’re getting on my last nerve! For 2017, I’d give Zimmer a line around 45/10/40/.235/20. That could be the best call-up of the year. “Seriously?!” Shut it down, CB! Oh, and I’m aware that Zimmer went 0-for-3 with 3 Ks out of the nine hole, but Bellinger looked lost thru a whole two starts too when he was first called up. “Keep my name out of your mouth!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball: