Around 7 AM on Sunday morning, my smoke detector started beeping every few minutes. Hungover, I rolled out of bed. I figured the battery was low, so I removed it and went back to sleep. An hour later, it started beeping again. So I removed the smoke detector from the wall and it stopped beeping. Then at 3 AM Monday night, it started beeping again. I pulled out my ladder and, like I was defusing a bomb but not caring if it blew up, I indiscriminately cut all the wires from the smoke detector and went back to sleep. About 5 hours later, it started beeping again. I pulled a hammer from my tool box and began smashing the smoke detector. Then I went into my office and did the same to that smoke detector just to make sure. Then I removed the one from my bedroom and did the same. No more beeping….
Please, blog, may I have some more?Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell
After a long, much-needed vacation, Friday’s Buy/Sell returns. Friday’s Buy/Sell, “I spent the better part of the last four months having my naughty bits lathered in Marshmallow Fluff.” *crickets* Friday’s Buy/Sell, “All right, let’s get to the post.” Brett Gardner hit leadoff on Opening Day. In case you recently emerged from a coma, I’ll give it to you one more time. Gardner equals Jacoby Ellsbury. They’re the same. Tomato-tomato with a different emphasis. Right now, maybe you’re like, “No dur.” Okay, but in our Funston-fueled draft, Ellsbury went 70 picks before Gardner, so you may be saying “No dur,” but someone else is saying “Yeah dur.” If you’re a yeah dur’er and not a no dur’er, you might want to reconsider your dur’s. Or it’s dur on you. You want dur on you? No, you want no dur. Now, I’m not saying you should sell Ellsbury for less than his worth. I think he’s going to be fine, but if you can sell Ellsbury for a big bat or SP and get Gardner much cheaper, you do that. Dur. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Mark Trumbo – May not start every day, may not last in the majors when the once-singular Kendrys returns. Don’t matter to me. You’re not dropping anyone worthwhile to take the gambo.
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Doesn’t Danny Valencia sound like a bad actor’s stage name? “For my audition, I’m going to do the scene ‘Eating the Old 96er’ from The Great Outdoors.” Okay, try not to choke. (Quick side note: My aunt used to date Danny Aiello. But not Danny Aiello, the actor. A different Danny Aiello. It was like McDowell’s vs.
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Before the NAAPP, National Association for the Advancement of Polish People, write me, it’s not Polish, it’s polish. Pa-lish. Not Pole-lish… Oh, forget it. David Murphy has a hit in every game this month and, with Hamilton out, he’s playing every day. In the month of September, he has a .380 average, 2 homers, 3 steals, 10 RBIs and 7 instances of “Who the hell is David Murphy?” from fantasy owners. Texas Rangers media guide has him listed as “That Guy” and a picture of William Fichtner. When Murphy goes to the plate, there’s no song playing. Know why? Cause he’s unsung! Thank you, don’t forget to tip your waitresses. I know the prevailing thought with Murphy is he’s a platoon player, but why does that have to be Murphy’s Law? Well, because he can’t hit lefties usually but he is right now, so, like a trophy wife, own while hot. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Emilio Bonifacio – If you picked up Bonifacio in April of 2009 in your keeper then were abducted by aliens, your team’s looking good again. The Xavier Nady pickup doesn’t look too bad either. Though you may want to switch out Cantu.
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Let’s go over the Danny Espinosa positives first, shall we? A) In Triple-A, he had 18 homers and 20 steals. B) At MI, you need another positive after A? C) B was already forced and you want a C? D) Hmm… You need another positive, huh? Umm… How about D.
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Can’t decide if Roger Bernadina sounds like a park bench real estate agent or a telemarketer. Hey, this is Roger Bernadina– Hey, Roger, I’m in the middle of dinner. I’ll be quick. I just want to inform you that I’m hitting and stealing bases.
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September 1st is an exciting time for fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!). Seasons change and it’s out with the old and in with new in baseball. For us in the fantasy baseball trenches, September 1st means rosters expand and rookies are called up. Unlike the September hitter call-ups I took my magical pencil to the other day, I’d use kid gloves with these pitching call-ups. Pitchers can hurt you. If you need to take a flier on a rookie pitcher, tread carefully, young Razzball reader. Anyway, here’s some potential September call-ups to keep your eye on for fantasy baseball, the starters:
Jenrry Mejia – Was up in the beginning of the year as a reliever then was sent down to get stretched out. Hey, I’m Mr.
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I just want to put it out there, I love Eric Young Jr. I have a plan in place to have Prince Fielder have a long discussion Eric Young Jr. about nogoodnik fathers and step in as EY Jr.’s surrogate. We will vacation in Orlando and try faux exotic foods at Epcot, like Greek and Spanish. When Eric Young Jr.
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Is it call-ups? Or callups? Can I get a ruling on this– Wait, someone’s at the door. August 31st, is that you? Uh… No. August 30th? Nope. August 32nd? No, you nitwit! It’s September 1st! Yes, it’s time we looked at September call ups (callups?
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For the Ministry of Silly Names, this is a great day. Finally, Coco Crisp gets his just deserts, or is it breakfast? Coco Crisp has had a problem with injuries in the past, constantly going snap, crackle, pop. Now I’m with Coco, as long as he doesn’t move to TBS. His game was Baroque, now it’s roCoco. He steals so many bases, it could be considered cereal. The amount of puns with Crisp is radicchio. Since August he’s hitting .345 in August and has 15 steals in the last two months. You say tomato, I say SAGNOF. He’s only owned in 32% of ESPN leagues and that’s about 68% short of making sense. Dyslexic gang members aren’t the only ones that should show Crisp some love. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Eric Young Jr.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
