Fantasy Baseball Advice

So it’s not really the 2nd half mark in the fantasy baseball season, but it’s the All-Star Break so what else are we going to talk about?  The newest The Challenge: Rivals?  If this show were on E!, CT would not only have his own spinoff, but he’d be getting married to a Kardashian by now.  Also, love how they seamlessly drop Real World/Road Rules from the show name, throw in people who you’re not even sure what show they were originally on and make the show better.  The Real World is now just the minor leagues for The Challenge.  Finally, on the last episode Mike in the water sounded like a dolphin getting f**ked by a shark.  Okay, as with all of the other 2011 fantasy baseball rankings, take this list with a grain of salt.  If you need a 2nd baseman, but an outfielder is above him that doesn’t mean you can’t trade the outfielder for the 2nd baseman.  Also, things change in fantasy baseball. Daily.  I could put Miguel Cabrera number one on the top 100 list for the second half of 2011 and he could get injured tomorrow.  Then he wouldn’t be number one.  See how that works.  This list is a road map for where I think guys are valued. It’s not the Holy Grail in the Church of Grey, that would be my mustache.  This list is NOT (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) where I see guys ending up if you were to take the first half and combine it with the 2nd half of their season. This is simply a list of the top hundred fantasy baseball players if you were to pick them up today. So while Stephen Drew did not have the greatest first half, he will appear on this list because he tends to come on in the 2nd half. The projections are not their combined 1st half and 2nd half numbers; they are their projections for the 2nd half of 2011. Anyway, here’s the top 100 for fantasy baseball for the 2nd half of 2011:

1. Miguel Cabrera – I originally put Miggy number one overall in the preseason, then I backed down when Miggy decided to do jello shots while operating heavy machinery.  “I’m allergic to green Jell-O…Unless it’s followed by seven shots of tequila!”  Who knew he had such allergies?  2011 2nd half projections:  45/16/60/.330

2. Ryan Braun – In the 2nd half, The Hebrew Hammer does work at the plate on every day but Yom Kippur.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/14/45/.310/7

3. Matt Kemp – Looks like one of those years where he’s on a mission to prove his worth.  He’s like Bruce Willis when Bruce Willis was cool and not Ashton Kutcher’s stepdad, or whatever their relation is.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/14/50/.290/15

4. Albert Pujols – I put his 2nd half projections a tad higher than Miguel Cabrera’s but I ranked him a tad lower because the injury has me tentative.  I still have as much love for Pujols as any straight man can.  2011 2nd half projections: 40/17/60/.330/3

5. Jose Bautista – I thought he was a one hit wonder last year, but it turned out he was like The Beastie Boys.  They burst on the scene with Fight For Your Right To Party and it seemed like they were a one hit wonder, but they ended up making music for more than 20 years.  That’s Bautista.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/18/50/.280/3

6. Adrian Gonzalez – There’s some signs pointing to a slight drop off for A-Gon in the 2nd half, but then you look at the lineup and ballpark he’s in and those signs go out the window.  Imagine saying that about him last year.  Imagine it!  You can’t.  You, “Mind blown.”  2011 2nd half projections:  50/16/60/.290

7. Mark Teixeira – I drink your PABST (Post-All-Star Break Stats from Te(i)x).  I drink it up!  2011 2nd half projections:  45/15/55/.300

8. Joey Votto – I actually had Votto ranked as low as 25th at one point, then as high as 5th.  This year he’s just missing some flight on his balls — that’s what she said!  2011 2nd half projections:  45/15/50/.320/4

9. Troy Tulowitzki – Riskiest guy so far, and I feel like I say that every time I rank Tulo.  If he didn’t get so G-D hot for a month at a time, he’d be ranked 15 spots lower.  2011 2nd half projections:  50/15/45/.295/5

10. Roy Halladay – This late in the season there’s very few pitchers that can impact your ratios.  Here’s one.  Or Juan, if you’re Spanish.  Razzball:  We’re Sorta Bilingual!  2011 2nd half projections: 10-2/2.20/0.95/100

11. Hanley Ramirez – As of this writing, he’s batting .237 and has been less productive than Danny Espinosa.  So maybe it’s the name factor, um, factoring in here, but you don’t have the name factor without a long track record.  Remember that!  Or don’t.  We’ll still be cool.  2011 2nd half projections: 40/10/40/.320/10

12. Prince Fielder – “For a vegetarian, he sure has serious beef with his dad.”  Sounds like a De La Soul lyric.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/15/50/.275

13. Evan Longoria – I’m not even completely honest with my shrink, but I will be with you.  I think this might be a lost season for Longoria like the lost season of The Honeymooners when Ralph and Norton had sex.  2011 2nd half projections: 35/12/40/.280/5

14. Matt Holliday – His lack of steals makes me wanna drop him in the rankings, but he’s just so bloody reliable — hey, I’m Gordon Ramsay! — I ranked him here.  BTW, I hated Ramsay for always, but am kinda enjoying Master Chef.  Crazy Hat Ben has a rainbow afro for hair.  Count on it!  2011 2nd half projections:  40/14/45/.320/2

15. Justin Upton – The Upton brothers — minus Upton Sinclair (Mike Trout) — are the opposite of reliable.  Justin had his star mitzvah in 2009 then slide back last year and is now, for lack of a more Jewish word, is reconfirming himself.  2011 2nd half projections: 40/12/45/.275/12

16. Carlos Gonzalez – Hopefully he remembers it’s paint the fence, not faceplant the fence.  2011 2nd half projections:  50/14/40/.280/12

17. Ryan Howard – Every time I rank Howard, I want to rank him higher.  I’m such a whore for Ks from pitchers and homers from hitters.  At least I’m not in denial.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/18/60/.260

18. Robinson Cano – To give you an idea how fluky only half a season can be.  Last year Raburn had a better 2nd half than Cano and Cano had a huge year in 2010.  Of course, Cano’s here and Raburn wouldn’t be in my top 300 because Cano does it every year.  2011 2nd half projections: 40/12/50/.310/3

19. Jacoby Ellsbury – Well, if Crawford was doing what he’s supposed to be doing instead of Ellsbury doing a Crawford impersonation, he’d be ranked here, so… I actually just got lost in my own logic.  I feel like the Memento guy trying to figure out how to end that sentence.  “Comma, comma, I’m lost.”  That’s me.  2011 2nd half projections:   55/7/40/.290/25

20. Tim Lincecum – I tend to rank pitchers a little higher at the halfway mark because if you need a big ace to try and fix what Liriano wrought, Lincecum is equal to any hitter in the top 20.  Continued in the next blurb.  2011 2nd half projections:  9-4/2.55/1.15/110

21. Felix Hernandez – Is it ideal to trade, say, Votto for F-Her?  Nope, but Votto’s not helping your pitching if that’s what you need.  What you need is more important than names at this point.  More on pitchers in the next blurb.  2011 2nd half projections:   7-3/2.65/1.10/100

22. Cole Hamels – Nope, that was all I had to say on that topic.  2011 2nd half projections:   8-2/2.80/1.05/90

23. Jered Weaver – Actually, there is two more things to say about starters.  First, just because I put Lincecum in front of Weaver, I wouldn’t trade Weaver for Lincecum.  They’re tomato-tomahto.  Don’t trade tomahto for tomahto.  Trade tomahto for potahto.  Or trade two tomahtos for one potahto upgrade.  2011 2nd half projections:  7-4/2.60/1.00/90

24. Justin Verlander – Second, I also rank pitchers higher at the halfway mark because once they’ve established themselves for the season, they seem a lot less likely to fall off in the 2nd half.  Unless they’re named Dan Haren.  2011 2nd half projections:  6-2/2.75/1.00/95

25. Dustin Pedroia – Not only should you buy a Sparky Anklebiter t-shirt, but buy one and give it to Pedroia when you’re stalking him in Boston Commons.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/9/35/.295/12

26. Andrew McCutchen – The Dread Pirate’s season is interesting (to me, at least).  He’s not exactly lighting up the scoreboard with shouts of “I’m a golden God!” but he’s filling up all five roto categories like a top ten outfielder.  Shows you that 25/25 over the season breaks down to 3 homers and 3 steals a month and, when you’re living that, it doesn’t seem as exciting.  That wasn’t even interesting to me by the time I got done writing it.  Sorry.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/12/45/.280/14

27. Curtis Granderson – I’ve only ranked him this low because I just can’t believe Grandy gets to a 40/25 year.  I am a non-believer, which is different than a witch, but only to some people.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/12/40/.255/10

28. Kevin Youkilis – Here’s another example where his name has him ranked way above where his stats say he should be.  Youuuuuk’s Stats, “Don’t put words in mouth.”  2011 2nd half projections:  50/14/55/.310

29. Nelson Cruz – One of those players that can be a top 5 guy in the 2nd half or get injured and be worse than Morneau.  The chances of either scenario are about 50%.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/18/50/.270/3

30. Rickie Weeks – I still have a hard time trusting Weeks, but I’m going to gather November, December and January Grey in Tahoe during the Thanksgiving break to see if I can come around.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/12/35/.260/5

31. Cliff Lee – The Adverb didn’t modify your teams for the positive last year in the 2nd half (3.79 ERA).  2011 2nd half projections:  8-3/3.05/1.05/85

32. Clayton Kershaw – I love Kershaw.  No, it’s lurve.  2011 2nd half projections:  7-4/3.10/1.07/95

33. CC Sabathia – CC and the Pitching Factory gonna make you sweat if you’re going against him in H2H.  2011 2nd half projections:  9-2/3.25/1.15/95

34. Jay Bruce – Perhaps his staycation in June where he didn’t get a hit for three weeks is reason to not trust him, but when he gets hot he carries a fantasy team.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/15/45/.260/5

35. Hunter Pence – Guys and two girl readers, Pence doesn’t flaunt big power like he’s tying rubber bands around his biceps a’la The Ulimate Warrior, but he’s steady as he goes, The Raconteurs.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/14/45/.290/8

36. Tommy Hanson -  First name:  Hommy.  Last name:  Tanson.  Middle name:  Gas.  2011 2nd half projections:  7-3/3.15/1.05/85

37. Jon Lester – To read your mind — Yes, if he didn’t just get injured he would’ve been ranked higher.  And, no, you shouldn’t put “I can burp the alphabet” on your resume.  2011 2nd half projections:  7-2/2.90/1.15/75

38. Ian Kinsler – He just needs to hit one of those grooves where everything’s going right.  And for the love of all that is holy, stay healthy.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/10/30/.250/12

39. Adrian Beltre – I want to draft a fantasy team next year where I only own Padres and Mariners pitchers and Rockies and Rangers hitters.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/12/40/.260

40. Carl Crawford – In the beginning of the year, I said McCutchen would be Crawford but cheaper.  That now seems like an insult to The Dread Pirate.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/10/35/.280/15

41. Paul Konerko – For what it’s Wuertz, he hit the third most home runs after the break last year with 19.  Behind only Bautista and Pujols.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/15/50/.290

42. Ryan Zimmerman – Definitely hasn’t taken the step forward I thought he would so far this year.  Knowing this schmohawk though, he’ll have a big 2nd half to make everyone buy into him again for next year then disappoint in 2012.  BTW, his first half stats were 15/4/15/.254/1.  That is the new blech.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/10/40/.285/3

43. B.J. Upton – Below-average average (stutterer!) or not, he can still hit 10 homers and steal 20 bags in half a year.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/10/40/.245/15

44. Drew Stubbs – I think Stubbs and Upton are gonna be forever tied together until one can break away.  Sorta like how I tied Adam Jones and Markakis together for a year or two until Markakis started to suckakis.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/10/30/.250/15

45. David Wright – I already regret ranking him here.  Can’t MLB contract the Mets?  2011 2nd half projections:  30/10/35/.290/5

46. Elvis Andrus - A 5 homer, 40 steal year looks great.  A 2 homer, 15 steal half not so much.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/2/25/.270/15

47. Brandon Phillips – If it wasn’t for his counting stats, his season would be atrocious.  5 steals in more than half a year?  Belch.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/12/40/.285/7

48. Josh Hamilton – He’s becoming the number one case example for the thriving field of Saberhagenmetrics.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/12/40/.310/2

49. Lance Berkman – I’m sure he’ll comment below that he should be ranked much higher.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/13/45/.270

50. Brian McCann – This post is pushing 2500 words and I’m only halfway through so quickly:  McCann is the best catcher which makes him the cream of the crap.  BTW, imagine instead of writing this post on a blog, I had written all of this in longhand in a lined notebook.  You’d have me committed.   2011 2nd half projections:  25/10/40/.280

51. Victor Martinez – This ranking is another one that’s more about what he’s done in the past than what he’s done this year.  Cause, friend, his power numbers look terrible so far.  2011 2nd half projections:  25/9/35/.295

52. Ben Zobrist – I was like, “Yo, Grey, how ya gonna rank Zobrist so high?”  Then I was like, “He’s been better than Brandon Phillips and I already ranked him.  And stop talking in third person, it’s really annoying.”  Then I was like, “I hear ya.  Keep doing your thing, boss!”  2011 2nd half projections: 50/7/30/.265/12

53. Jason Heyward – My sophomore year of college I was hit by a car, which nearly killed me.  It’s not in my e-book, maybe the sequel.  Yet, my sophomore effort looks better than following up Reservoir Dogs with Pulp Fiction compared to Heyward’s.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/11/35/.280/4

54. Jose Reyes - See Wright, David.  Or 9 inches above.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/3/20/.290/14

55. Mike Stanton – In the 2nd half of the 2010 season, Stanton had the 5th most homers in the major leagues.  He was like 12 years old last year.  Anyone who can’t understand my love for Stanton has never seen him play.  Watch some highlights of him, Goofus and Gallant.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/16/40/.250/2

56. Jimmy Rollins – The rest of the season is going to happen so fast, that you could grab a guy off waivers and get better stats than a bunch of these players.  In other words, don’t get caught up by names.  In other other words, Rollins could be solid or droppable in a month.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/5/25/.260/12

57. Michael Young – His stats remind me of a non-Grey favorite Prado.  Solid average, runs and RBIs.  I want homers and steals!  Wah!  2011 2nd half projections:  35/7/40/.315/2

58. Aramis Ramirez – I think I speak for all Aramis owners when I say I wish the All-Star break didn’t happen because of fear it might cool him off.  Hopefully he didn’t shut off the engine, just left it idling in the driveway.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/10/40/.280

59. Shane Victorino – Seems to be one of those players that misses 15 days every couple of months but picks things up right where he left off.   2011 2nd half projections:  35/7/25/.280/10

60. Dan Haren – Could be absolutely fine in the 2nd half and put his usual 2nd half slump behind him, but you’re really risking it by going out and trading for him?  2011 2nd half projections:  6-3/3.30/1.10/80

61. Dan Uggla – Had the 5th most homers after the break last year and this year he’ll come even cheaper to buy for your team.  Assuming you’re crazy enough to trade for him.  Takes giant beach balls sometimes to win leagues.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/14/45/.255

62. Yovani Gallardo – Hopefully now that we’re more than halfway through the season, YoGa is properly stretched out and can lower his ERA and his number of outings that make me want to stick my head in the oven.  2011 2nd half projections:  6-4/3.55/1.30/85

63. Krispie Young – If you look at his 1st half numbers, he could actually be ranked even higher.  Make an airplane noise with your fork and chew on that!  2011 2nd half projections:  45/14/40/.245/9

64. Adam Lind - Goes on these crazy streaks where he seems like a first rounder, then cools off to the point where he’s unownable.  Like a rich man’s Wigginton — call him Winthorpeington.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/15/45/.275

65. Matt Cain – Looks like his ERA has finally caught up to his FIP.  Or as David Price said in the next blurb… 2011 2nd half projections:  5-4/3.30/1.15/80

66. David Price – Sometimes it’s better to not over-analyze things.  2011 2nd half projections:  8-4/3.60/1.10/85

67. Josh Johnson – His porn star brother, Gosh, emailed me to say I’ve got his little brother ranked too low.  He also included jpegs that I can’t share.  2011 2nd half projections:  4-2/2.35/1.00/50

68. Carlos Quentin – CQ has stretches where he’s as unownable as a DVD of Roman Coppola’s CQ.  He’s a cheap Nelson Cruz though, because when he gets hot he carries your team for a while.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/15/50/.255

69. Zack Greinke – His K-rate is absurdly beautiful compared to his atrocious ERA.  Could be the best pitcher in the 2nd half.  That’s not idle chitchat.  2011 2nd half projections:  5-4/3.70/1.20/85

70. Josh Beckett – Ever have some players you don’t like for no reason at all?  Beckett just gives the vibe of the douchebag that makes you do naked jumping jacks to get into a frat party.  Not that I’ve ever had to do that.  So…good weather today, huh?  2011 2nd half projections:  7-2/3.50/1.10/80

71. James Shields – His Ks have been so great I’m willing to overlook the fact that I think his ERA goes up to the mid-3 range.  2011 2nd half projections:  6-3/3.55/1.10/85

72. Asdrubal Cabrera – As I said about a month ago when I wrote a Sell on The Drubal, I think the best is behind him and I don’t mean his glutes.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/7/40/.275/8

73. Chase Utley – To give you an appreciation of how much I care, I flip-flopped Espinosa and Utley in the rankings about two dozen times, unable to decide who I’d want more.  I’m still not sure, but if I had Utley I’d be able to trade him for more than Espinosa so that makes him ever-so-slightly more valuable.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/6/30/.295/7

74. Danny Espinosa -  Hey, it’s my pen pal…If he ever wrote back to me and my letters with all my pink highlighter hearts adorning the envelopes didn’t keep getting returned.  I love you, Espinosa.  Write back soon!  Or when you get a chance.  I just want to know you’re okay.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/10/35/.250/8

75. Mark Reynolds – All brays to Mini Donkey for being the only donkey worth his hay this year.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/15/35/.230/3

76. Starlin Castro – If he was an outfielder, he wouldn’t be owned in 12 team leagues, but he’s not so there’s that.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/2/25/.315/8

77. Michael Bourn – He’s either worth a top 20 player to you, or he’s not worth a top 200 player.  All depends on how badly you need an injection of SAGNOF.  2011 2nd half projections:  50/0/20/.270/25

78. Mariano Rivera – Put him with Bourn on purpose.  Closers share the SAGNOF definition with speedsters on purpose.  You either need saves or steals or don’t and it doesn’t matter where they come from.  As the top starters are boosted in the 2nd half rankings, closers are bumped down.  Really, if you need saves, does it matter if you get 12 saves from Rivera or Kevin Gregg?  2011 2nd half projections:  2-1/2.25/1.00/20, 18 saves

79. Adam Jones – At the end of the season, his stats will look eerily similar to Hunter Pence.   He’s like Skeet Ulrich to Johnny Depp.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/12/35/.280/5

80. Howie Kendrick – His numbers will look better for the whole season than just for the 2nd half.  Wait, every player is like that.  Well, you get what I’m saying.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/8/30/.315/7

81. Jayson Werth – Here’s a prediction for what won’t happen in the 2nd half.  He’ll get an extension from the Nats.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/12/35/.260/8

82. David Ortiz – His average is like an impressionist painting.  Up close it looks like it’s .300.  Step back a few paces and it looks like it’s .275.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/15/50/.275

83. Pablo Sandoval – He’s a Latin Billy Butler with a tad bit more power.  Call him Mooblo.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/8/30/.300

84. Ubaldo Jimenez – Hairs to you, Ubaldo!  I nearly left him off the top 100, but we’re at the point now in the rankings where there will be guys on waivers that do better than some of these guys.  2011 2nd half projections:  6-3/3.55/1.25/80

85. Carlos Beltran – Solid 2nd half or he’ll tweak something and the Mets will say he’s day-to-day then he’ll miss two months.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/12/35/.265/2

86. Kelly Johnson – Easily could hit 10+ homers and have a better 2nd half than Utley.  Remember we’re still just waiting for Johnson’s balls to drop.  Hehe.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/10/30/.250/5

87. Carlos Marmol – See Rivera, Mariano.  Or 7 inches above.  2011 2nd half projections:  1-2/2.70/1.30/40, 15 saves

88. Alexei Ramirez – This was actually the last blurb I wrote because I stopped at Ubaldo then worked backwards to Scherzer then went back to Beltran.  I tell you this because I have nothing to say about Alexei.  Enjoy your All-Star break!  2011 2nd half projections:  40/8/30/.275/5

89. Max Scherzer – Honestly, I’m ranking him here and I don’t even know if I’d start him in his next start.  2011 2nd half projections:  5-4/3.75/1.30/85

90. Gaby Sanchez – He (she?) can give you modest power and solid counting stats.  Plus, you can pretend you have a girl on your team.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/10/40/.285

91. Matt Garza – Go ahead, laugh.  His K:BB, K-rate and… Okay, I’m crazy.  He has to be better.  Has to!  I’m not even convincing myself here.  2011 2nd half projections:  5-3/3.80/1.30/85

92. Adam Dunn – Big-bellied players tend to get old quick, but this is insane.  Did Billy Butler eat David Eckstein and disguise himself as Adam Dunn?  Dunn probably shoudn’t be ranked at all, but he could hit 20 homers in the 2nd half.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/14/40/.220

93. Stephen Drew – Except in 2009, he’s always been better in the 2nd half.  Oh, and no matter how good he is in the 2nd half this year, I’m not going near him in 2012.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/10/40/.280/3

94. Mike Napoli – Will lead catchers in 2nd half homers.  I can feel it in my bones.  Or maybe I’m feeling something else because I just looked at Napoli’s mom.  2011 2nd half projections:  25/12/30/.245

95. Corey Hart – Member the huge first half he had last year?  Yeah, I don’t either.  Stupid mind-erasing drugs.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/12/30/.265/3

96. Joe Mauer – Hit .373 in the 2nd half last year.  Meanwhile, the year he hit 28 homers seems like decades ago.  Can all of baseball admit that these new parks were built with steroids in mind and move in the fences 20 feet across the board?  Like how there used to be monuments in the field of play in old stadiums, there could be a Carl’s Jr. in Petco’s outfield and no one would ever reach it.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/4/35/.315

97. Delmon Young – He had a good 2nd half in 2009 and in 2010.  And he has 2 homers and a .256 average on the year, so he can’t be much worse.  It’s called wishful thinking, go with it.  2011 2nd half projections:  25/10/30/.290/2

98. Neil Walker – “Damn, I knew Grey was drinking when he wrote this.”  That’s you.  I’m putting Neil Walker down to highlight how anyone can give you value in the 2nd half of the season.  Last year, Walker had 9 homers and hit .306.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/8/35/.280/3

99. Michael Cuddyer – At 2nd base, he’s actually been more valuable than Phillips and Zobrist who I have ranked ahead of him.  I might just be misplacing my Morneau anger on whatever Twin I can.  Something else I wanna note on Cuddyer, he’s been the fourth most valuable player in the last month.  With so little time left on the season, current productivity outweighs name value.  There, I’ve now said that about a dozen times in this post.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/8/30/.285/3

100. Whoever Wins You The Championship – It’s now or never, people! Make your move or lose.

Despite Ronnie’s warnings, I fell in love with the Jor-Z, sure.  I still like him a lot.  You can totally Control-Alt-Delete this opening in keeper leagues too.  But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — Jordan Zimmermann is going to be shut down in the next month.  The Nats are saying maybe another 6 or 7 starts.  That’s — how do I say this? — not good.  The inning limit is 160, he’s now at 108 2/3 IP.  If he gets to 158 IP in 7 starts, are they going to send him out for 2 more innings in his 8th start? Why are you bothering me, Random Italicized Voice?  S’s and g’s, G. Next year, they have the House of Strasburg returning and they want to be healthy.  If you have a leaguemate who’s paying LeBron, I’m paying Dwayne Wade to trade away J-Z.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Mike Trout – So what’s my take on Trout besides he’s best served cajun?  He’s kind of like the 3rd Upton brother.  He’s the white Upton, or the Less Uptown Upton.  Call him Upton Sinclair.  As Torii Hunter might say, “We lose Bourjos and get Trout.  They should’ve called that movie Anglos In The Outfield.”  He’s fast, i.e., Trout can really swim upstream.  He could be what we always wanted from B.J. Upton with a 25/40 line.  Prospects don’t get much better.  In only 74 games in the minors, he had 9 homers and 28 steals with a .330 average.  Yet, he probably won’t do anything this year.  When Bourjos returns, Trout may not even stick in the majors.  I still say grab him in every league for the outside possibility of upside.

Cory Luebke – As I profossilized (Made Up Word Of The Day!) in the preseason, I really should’ve just drafted the entire Padres staff on one team and only started them at home.  2.92 ERA, 1.21 WHIP at home.  I’d be near the top in all of my leagues for ratios.  And I wouldn’t have Liriano.  Win-win.

Jason Vargas – I could’ve put Fister here, and, actually by saying that, I am putting Fister here.  Two Mariners pitchers that will lose 2-1 games for the price of 1.  No decision-no decision.

Phil Hughes – Told you not to draft him in the preseason, don’t exactly love him now, but if he’s on waivers, it’s worth a flyer.  Talk about the old hard sell, or is that a hard buy?

David Hernandez – SAGNOF!

Joe Nathan – Let’s put it this way, Matt Capps just picked up Nathan for his fantasy team.

Zack Cozart – I just went over my Zack Cozart fantasy.  I wrote it while getting a tattoo of a unicorn on my back.

Travis Snider – Good source of power, but you can’t take him and his mustache within 500 feet of a schoolyard.  Friend, that is creepy.

Laynce Nix – Two sets of season numbers so far:  30/12/33/.279/2 and 33/6/28/.248/8.  First one is obviously Nix who’s owned in under 20% of ESPN leagues; 2nd one is Jason Bay who’s owned in 90% of leagues.  You make fun of teams for giving names big money contracts, but you’re just as bad.  Yeah, you.

Danny Valencia – Now dancing with Charo on Dancing With The Stars… Danny Valencia!  Hola!  Don’t know why but I always picture Valencia in a sequins shirt.  He’s been on a tear for about three weeks now and beyond that he’s batting .240 right now but he’s a .285 hitter.  So keep it going for Danny Valencia!

Emilio Bonifacio – He usually gets hot for a shorter period of time than a menopausal woman, but he is stealing some bags.  Speaking of bags, at Whole Foods they give you a nickel off any purchase if you bring your own bag, so I plan on bringing 1000 bags and getting fifty dollars worth of food for free.

Mark Ellis – He’s currently hitting, but I think owning Ellis is gonna get old quicker than any of those Charlie Sheen catchphrases.  Member when “Winning” was funny for like a minute?  (Not an Urbandictionary minute which is actually a long time.)

Clint Barmes – This is the kinda waiver wire pickup you make then immediately look again at the waiver wire, find someone else and drop Barmes three minutes later.  That kinda waiver wire pickup should have a name in the glossary.  Suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

SELL

Jose Reyes – M-E-S-S, Mess, Mess, Mess!  I’m so done with the Mets.  They got doctors from the med school that Steve Guttenberg went to in Bad Medicine and they keep selling us a bag of injured goods.  Beltran will be out for the weekend — he missed 15 months!  Wright is day-to-day with a broken back –  he’s never returning!  You think Johan’s ever coming back?  I’m being serious.  They built Metco on a haunted cemetery.  Speaking of which, they’re gonna probably tell us Jason Bay actually died last year and they never reported it.  Jose Reyes will probably miss all of July and a part of August.  If you can find someone — read:  sucker — to take Reyes off your hands thinking he’ll be back in a few weeks, go for it.

Nick Markakis – I’m feeling cantankerkis today.  His numbers:  36/7/34/.293/7 look like a healthy Crapolanco.  Whether Markakis is hitting or not, you can probably trade him for a better piece because of his name value then just grab an outfielder off waivers.

Aramis Ramirez – Yeah, he’ll probably hit a home run every game for the rest of the season and make this sell recommendation look silly.  Cause he’s never one to get injured, or go into month long slumps.  No!  Not Aramis.  He’s going to continue to hit like he had Babe Didrikson’s stem cells injected into his buttocks.  You won’t find a guy whose value is higher right now.  I’m not saying to sell him for the babysitting services of Casey Anthony, but I’d explore my options.

Jack McKeon’s got a word for players like Hanley Ramirez — lollygaggers.  For 5 years, Hanley’s been riding the crest of natural ability.  As I’ve said before about Hanley and Manny, insouciance doesn’t age well.  Think about the hot girl who got all the guys in high school then lost her looks ten years later.  She never had to develop a personality and, now at age thirty, she’s screwing guys in the bathroom of some bar with sawdust on the floor and hoping they’ll adopt her two kids, Bob Jr. and Bob Jr. Jr.  Hanley is a hot girl with no personality.  Notice how I said is, not was.  He’s only 27 years old, and I don’t think he’s done yet.  He’s never hit below .300, his HR/FB% is way off his career rate, he’s still stealing bases and he’s getting unlucky with balls hit into play.  I don’t think his end of the year numbers are gonna look good at all, but he could easily hit .350 the rest of the way with a 12/12 2nd half.  If you can get him for fifty cents on the Washington, I’d do it.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jonny Gomes – Gomes is a mnemonic for Great Outfielder? Meh. Eerie Superior to other outfielders for a short period of time?  Yeah.  Okay, so not the best mnemonic.

Jason Bay – He’s been on absolute fire!  *fast, side effect for a medicine commercial voice*  I don’t trust his power, speed or average.  He’s gotten old — fast.  And, if he were anyone else but a guy that once hit 36 homers, we probably wouldn’t even pay attention.  If you have an erection longer than 24 hours after picking up Bay, see a doctor.

Garrett Jones – Robot’s not hard-wired to hit lefties so you have to bench him.  But Apollo Creed couldn’t get at lefties either, even with a snowball, and he did all right (until he was killed by Drago.)

Alex Presley – A Buy with two Pirates and one former in the first four names?  That’s the Jeopardy question to the answer, “How do you make Razzball readers yawn?”

Cameron Maybin – It’s funny, by which I mean it’s not funny at all, some players I love when they’re prospects then when they actually start playing I realize their upside is most players’ downside.  That’s so Maybin!

Desmond Jennings – According to the hash marks on the inside of my cave, Jennings will be called up within the next week or so because of his Super Two status.  Now, excuse me, while I make dinner for me and my volleyball.  (BTW, Jennings has been a Buy for like three weeks in a row.  Watch out, deaf ears, something’s falling!)

Eric Thames – Lotta borderline outfielders this week.  Or as I like to call them, bored-er line.  Wocka wocka wocka!

Mike Napoli – He’s due back on monday, so that means two things:  1) Now’s the time to grab Napoli. 2) Monday’s the time to grab his Mom.  “No, Ms. Napoli, I’m not drinking pineapple juice for any particular reason.”  Then we’d laugh and probably discuss Napoli’s playing time.

Geovany Soto – He’s hitting for the first time all year, but on a different note — is it me or is Geovany Soto wearing makeup?  Was he on the way to the theater to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show?

Daniel Murphy – Here’s a Cust Kayin’ for you.  For the season, Murphy’s been more valuable Billy Butler (unless your league counts Moob Size).

Lonnie Chisenhall – Just went over my Chisenhall fantasy.  I wrote it while playing Angry Birds on my iPhone while riding on the back of an ostrich.

Chris Davis – Supposedly the Rangers are about to call him up again.  Aw, geez, now someone has to change Bill James’s sheets.  I’m done with Davis until he actually hits in the major leagues, but, if you’re hurting at corner infidel, go for it.  He has hit something like 30 homers in 20 games in Triple-A this year.

Yuniesky Betancourt – Has two homers and two steals in the last ten games… Eh, he’s terrible, but I just picked him up in one league and I’m trying to convince myself he’s decent.  Betancourt is decent!  Yeah, ain’t working.

Cory Luebke – May just be a hodgepadre, but it’s worth the flyer to find out.  What’s the worst that happens?  A 6 IP, 2 ER start?  Ooh, I guess you’re too good for that with your fancy jeans and Ed Hardy t-shirt.

Javy Guerra – Bastardo has three saves this year and he’s been the closer for like a minute — and that’s not an Urban Dictionary minute which is actually a long time.  So, really who’s the bastardo in this equation?  Guerra, that’s who.  Yet, he’s supposedly the closer, but if Mattingly threw Elbert in there for the next save, wouldn’t surprise me in the least.   Or is that would surprise me in the least?  Eh, I couldn’t care less.  Or is that could care less?

Antonio Bastardo – I think Charlie Manuel seriously considered Michael Stutes for the closer job, but he just had too much fun saying Antonio Bastardo’s name.  (BTW, Bastardo was the 666th word of this post.  We’re all damned!)

Vinnie Pestano – Chris Perez went to bereveament leave because his grandmother died.  We’re sorry for his loss and hope the days off give him time to mullet over what she meant to him.  Grab Pestano for some vulture saves.  Or just grab him because he’s been good.  His middle name should be Italy because he’s a VIP.

SELL

Adam Dunn – A few weeks ago I told you to sell him, as in trade.  I think that ship’s sailed about as well as the Titanic.  Depending on your leagues, it’s now time to just drop the Big Donkey Ass.

Jeremy Hellickson – His K-rate is just over 6 and his xFIP is 4.38.  In other words, blech and belch.  In other other words, see if you can still get something before things get worse.  (Feel free to ignore this advice in keeper leagues.  Assuming you do follow some of my advice.)

David Wright – “He’s due back within the next week!!!  Or two.”  That’s you talking to another owner in your league.  “Honestly, I can’t believe I’m giving you my first round pick for Lind and Daniel Hudson.  Maybe I shouldn’t play this fantasy baseball thingie — do you want me to throw in Aaron Hill?”  That’s you too, then you giggle like Lisa Simpson when she’s swooning for a boy.  This sell is called salvaging a rotten season from Wright.  He’s never been one to just rebound immediately after an injury and he’s dealing with a back issue.  So is he gonna steal knowing he’s gotta slide?  Is he going to have a setback?  Re-injure himself?  I wouldn’t trade him for a hard candy out of your grammie’s pocketbook, but I’d explore options.

Recently, I had the pleasure of doing karaoke with Johnny Cueto.  He decided to go with Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.  Here’s what he sang, “I took my ERA and I took it down….  I climbed a mountain and I turned around…  And I saw my xFIP in the snow covered hills… Well, I’ve been afraid of changing… ‘Cause I’ve kicked the life out of Jason LaRue… Awh, take this ERA, and TAKE IT DOWN!…”  Then I joined him on stage for Islands in the Stream.  Cueto was pitch perfect with Stevie Nicks even if he did skip lines here and there to keep it related to fantasy baseball.  Right now, his ERA is 1.63.  Oh, c’mon.  Seriously, come on.  Come on, come on, come on Chameleon!  His xFIP is 3.52.  His K-rate is 6.23 which isn’t good and below previous season marks.  He’s leaving 83% men on and has a .216 BABIP.  There’s not one category he’s excelling in right now except ERA.  The mouth on the left side says, “S.” The mouth on the right side says, “ell.”  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jonathan Broxton – ‘So much junk, so much junk inside that trunk’ could be lyrics about the Dodgers bullpen or specifically about Broxton.

Mark Melancon – He doesn’t make the cut off of 50% owned in ESPN for this post, but that’s my own self-imposed rule, so screw you, homes!  Kidding.  (Or am I?!)  I’m listing Melancon because his ownership is actually going down.  Um, he’s the closer, what gives?

Chris Carter – I just went over my Chris Carter fantasy.  I wrote it while waiting for a studio light to fall on Carson Daly’s head.

Ty Wigginton – I just got a Lane Bryant spring collection catalog in the mail so that could only mean one thing… I accidentally got my neighbor’s mail.  Oh, and Ty Wigginton’s hitting.

Jeff Baker – While the Purple Evolutionist is off mending and writing in his journal about the dodo bird, Baker is seeing starts in his stead.  “Yo, get out of my stead!”  That was a farmer in the 1860′s.

Jemile Weeks – Just went over him this morning, shut all your porn windows and pay attention to Razzball!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – This will be the last mention of Nishioka in a Buy column.  Won’t mean I like him more or less, but shizz is getting repetitive.

Chris Getz – Has stolen a decent amount of bases this season (12 — well, I did modify with ‘decent’), but he’s strictly a poor man’s everyman.

David Freese – Over the course of a full season, he’s capable of 20 homers and a solid average.  He won’t be playing a whole season. Don’t quibble, Random Italicized Voice.  But I’m hungry. That’s not what quibble means.  Riiiight. I’d grab Freese and expect some power and a good average.

Dayan Viciedo – I think we’re finally affecting change.  Last week I told you to pick up Viciedo and this week he’s gone up 0.1% in ownership at ESPN.  Woo-hoo!  Razzball, we’re the tenth-percenters!

Roger Bernadina – I told you to grab him about a month ago.  In that time, he’s been better than Victorino, Ethier, Beltran, Bautista (eat it!), Bossman Upton, Abreu, Ichiro, etc. etc. etc.  How is he owned in only 24% of ESPN leagues?  Oh, as we just learned, he’d only be owned in 23.9% of ESPN leagues without us.  Yay me!

Jason Bay – Haven’t been a big fan of his for years and I’m not suddenly flipping sides like Anakin.  I told you to grab him the other day after his 3-for-3, home run game.  Then he went back to old Bay without the delicious fish, meat or chicken seasoning.  If he’s available, I’d take a flyer that he might get hot.

Wily Mo Pena – Probably only a very short term add for power.  On the bright side, his strikeouts generate electricity.

Jonny Gomes – It’s Jonny cat!  Frisky!  I love this short term add for power, but you must be able to switch him in and out of your lineup when he’s not playing.

Desmond Jennings – I’m guessing he’s up in the next week to ten days.  If someone wants to Gillooly Fuld and Ruggiano, that time can be bumped up.

Jon Jay – Four score and one month ago, I told you Juan Hay would get value when Holliday went to the DL.  He did a’ight, but didn’t really shamwow my fantasy teams.  Well, he’s getting another opportunity with Pujols carrying the burden of one million fantasy teams ruined.

Jordan Schafer – The Braves announced that even with the return of McLousy, Schafer will be the starter.  Now when Prado returns something’s gotta give, old lady movie.  Until then, I’d grab Schafer for some speed.

Brandon Beachy – I’ve talked about him so much that he should be on everyone’s team that reads this site.  There’s really no excuse.  And that’s me just being real with you.

Cory Luebke – If he were on any other team, I’d tell you to hold, but in Petco very little can go wrong (damn, if that’s not a jinx I don’t know what is).

Carlos Carrasco – His name sounds like an upscale Mexican restaurant and he’s throwing some good stuff at the plate.  It’s a mashup of puns!  I’m like Girl Talk of fantasy baseball bloggers.  (If you don’t know Girl Talk, shame on you.  Download All Day.  Here’s your preemptive you’re welcome.)

Doug Fister – Fister?  But he hardly knew her!  Sorry, so hard to resist that.  He’s at a 3.34 ERA and 1.21 WHIP on the season.  Yeah, that’s better than that other schmohawk you own.  And him too.

SELL

Rick Porcello – Of course you should drop him.  I’m only listing him to make a point.  We get some comments in the Buy/Sell that there are so many more Buy’s than Sell’s.  Well, yeah, dur.  I’m not going to list 35 names of players to drop.  Plus, people have players that are injured and need short term replacements so that’s what the Buy does.  Gives you some names for fill-in’s.  Now back to the Sell…

Ryan Vogelsong – He’s up to about 97% owned which means there’s been some Johnny-come-lately’s who have gone to the waiver wire in your league to find Vogelsong gone.  After that, they’re like, “Damn, you so-and-so always get the hot waiver wire adds.”  At that point, you sell Vogelsong to them.

Michael Morse – Sorry, you knew it was coming though, right?  I mean, he hit .400+ in May and around .330 so far in June.  If he hit .270 the rest of the way, it wouldn’t completely surprise me.  He has 13 home runs now, he might hit ten the rest of the way.  That would give him around 25 homers and .280 for the whole season.  That’s great, wonderful, superlative.  Now I’m not trading him for a Bed, Bath and Beyond 20% off coupon, but I would explore options.

Jair Jurrjens has a xFIP of 3.64 and a K-rate of 5.23.  Sounds like you should brave the trade winds with Jar-Jar.  Or maybe I should say, “Wash that Jurrjens right outta your Jair!”  Okay, breathe, Grey, you got puns, I get it. You’re right, random italicized voice, lost my shizz there for a second.  Jurrjens’s K-rate is the lowest of his career and it wasn’t that good to begin with.  He did have one of these lucky years before (2009) when he left men on and had some luck with his BABIP, but he was K’ing a little over one more batter per nine innings then.  I can’t imagine Jurrjens keeps anywhere near the ERA he currently has (2.13) with his down peripherals, which was not a Kelsey Grammer movie.  So don’t make the same mistake as George Lucas and fall in love with Jar-Jar.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Charlie Blackmon – Is the vicious homers?  Nope.  Is the haircut?  Nope.  Is it the shoes?  Nope.  Is it the extra long shorts?  Nope.  Is it the short socks?  Nope.  It’s gotta be the steals!

Jordan Schafer – Sticking with the retro Nike feel, I’m mentioning Jordan.  He’s currently hitting, but, in the big picture, he’s just okay.  Jordan is His Fair-ness.

Justin Ruggiano – I wonder if Sam Fuld would pick up Ruggiano on his fantasy team.  On one hand, he knows what it’s like to be a hot schmotato and how fast they can go cold.  On the other hand, Ruggiano is stealing his playing time.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a foot wearing a mitten, Ruggiano was much more interesting in the minors leagues than Fuld.  (BTW, I think every baseball player should have to participate in a public fantasy league.  I’d love to see who would actually own themselves, what pitchers hitters would own and vice versa.  Jason Kubel is coming up to bat vs. Brandon Morrow.  You may not own either but after Morrow’s last start Kubel dropped him in his league and now Morrow beans him.  Intrigue!)

Travis Snider – Supposedly, he’s going to get recalled in a few weeks.  Rudy and I were talking over IM about how some guys are just such a tease.  Everyone rushes out to grab Snider every time he gets called up.  Do you forget why he was back on waivers to begin with?  He’s okay as a flyer, but I’m not going crazy with him until he actually shows something.  I’m turning over a new, more conservative leaf.  Now how about Dee Gordon?!

Alexi Casilla – Forget everything you know about Alexi Casilla…Okay, forget that you don’t know anything about Alexi Casilla.  He’s hitting over .400 in the last week and is on pace for 25 steals. (As if you’re gonna keep him on your team all year!  Hahahahahaha….  Mid-haha I totally forgot what I was laughing at.)

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Two Twins middle infielders?  Um… Yay?  I think Nishioka will probably end up with more value than Casilla, but he might take a bit longer to get going.

Dustin Ackley – Just went over my Dustin Ackley fantasy.  I wrote it while trying to avoid eye contact in my gym’s locker room.

Jemile Weeks – Ackley is gonna have more buzz in fantasy leagues, but I imagine him and Weeks are pretty much the same thing this year.

Eduardo Nunez – If you had Jeter (did you draft him hoping he’d get you laid?) or need a quick one week fill-in, Nunez has speed and some slight power.

Jonathon Niese – For those with a short term memory — hey, who said that?! — I liked Niese in the preseason.  A 3 and a half ERA and solid K’s doesn’t seem to be that farfetched.

Tim Stauffer – This will sound rhetorical, but I’d take an answer.  How does a guy go unowned in so many leagues when he pitches his home games in a stadium where the center field fence has the infinity sign on it?

Andrew Miller – To continue from Stauffer’s blurb… Yet, if Miller pitches well vs. the Padres his ownership will skyrocket.  Miller who’s failed so many times in the major leagues and isn’t even guaranteed a rotation spot.

Jeff Baker – As long as the Cubs sit him vs righties, he’s only an add in deep, daily leagues where you can swap him in and out.

Dayan Viciedo – Kenny Williams said Viciedo is finally ready for the majors.  Ozzie said the same but put a hashtag on it.  He’s hit 10 homers in 62 games in the minors and his 3rd base eligibility makes him immediately ownable.  Though I would like to know where he’s going to play.  If he starts every day at 3rd base, I like him a lot, but he can’t play 3rd.  If he’s off the bench here and there in the outfield, then belch.  If the Sox bench Pierre and play Viciedo, then giddy up.

Luke Scott – Know how Miguel Olivo’s never happy hitting just one home run?  That goes doubly for Luke Scott.  BTW, doubly might be one of my top five favorite words.  When you say it, it’s hard to not sound drunk.

SELL

Michael Young – His counting stats don’t look terrible, but 3 home runs and 4 steals prorated over the whole year sounds Crapolanco-ish.  I wouldn’t drop him, but I’d sweeten a deal with Young and just grab an MI off waivers in leagues where that’s possible.

Josh Beckett – At some point, he’s going to look human again.  It may not be today…Well, it’s definitely not today because he’s not pitching.  It may not be tomorrow…Well, it won’t be tomorrow.  Not pitching then either.  It may not be until July, but at some point it’ll happen.  Don’t believe me, ask Ubaldo about his 1st half last year.

Joe Mauer – Welcome back, Joe!  Now trade him immediately.  Word out of Minnesota is Mauer will be sitting in a beach chair behind the plate to avoid crouching.  I just jumped out of a DeLorean and I have the big news from next year’s baseball preseason.  Bud Selig and Ed Wade switch toupees to raise money for lupus with a fundraising drive called, Raise the Wolf.  The 2nd biggest story:  after another down year in 2011 for Mauer, he will play primarily first base in 2012.  Then everyone will go crazy for a 12 homer hitting 1st baseman thinking he’ll be that much better if he doesn’t have to catch.  Well, that’s for another day (or year).  For this year, Mauer’s all name value.