Let’s get in the Wayback Machine. Back in March, Zsa Zsa Gabor was still alive, there wasn’t a legitimate Republican candidate for the White House and Desmond Jennings had loads of potential. Now stepping out of the Wayback Machine we realize those three things are still true.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ryan Zimmerman recently admitted to the Washington Post that his shoulder isn’t at 100%. I recently admitted to the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston Alumni magazine that my pinkie finger has been acting up. I go to type up some fantasy baseball advice and it looks like this, “I drafted Ryan Zimmerman, that piece of @#$%^&*” I don’t reach for the Shift key and symbols, but my pinkie involuntary adds them.Please, blog, may I have some more?
We went over Danny Hultzen in our last fantasy baseball podcast, but that was a bunch of jibber-jabbering, you want the facts! Well, actually, there were some facts in there. Rudy, for instance, stated he thought Hultzen would be up by June 26th. Okay, that’s more of an opinion. Okay, facts. 1) When Hultzen was drafted last year, he was one of the top pitchers in the country and seemed most “major league ready.” 2) “Major league ready” is scout-speak for safe. 3) Fat Jonah Hill fired all the scouts. 4) He throws over 100 MPH. 5) I bet you didn’t know Fat Jonah Hill threw that fast. 6) Hultzen, on the other hand, throws his fastball 91-95 MPH. 7) His ceiling is slightly lower than the top arms in the minors. G) He walked a bunch of batters when he first arrived at a high level of competition, this might translate to the majors.Please, blog, may I have some more?
On Wednesday, Jon Lester gave a line of 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks and I said he found the sweet spot between yawn and ho-hum. Some runs, bunch of hits and not at all dominating. It was just another run-of-the-mill start for Lester. Larry Johnson’s Grandmama could throw that line. Perhapizzle, I say, speaking like a hip-hop Yoda. “There is no try, there is only do-izzle and do not-fizzle.” Yo, Yoda, why you wear your Jedi robe so low? “Easy access, I like.” Maybe there was something else to that Lester start. Maybe, Columbo, things aren’t how they seem. Maybe I’m holding a container of Colombo yogurt and talking to it. Don’t judge me, but let’s judge Lester. That start was also his highest K-rate in one game this year, and he issued no walks. Some people are talking about how he’s got a new approach. He’s peacocking without the flair of Ks. He’s about the pitch-to-contact approach that Charley Lau would’ve enjoyed. Yeah, let’s take what makes us great and instead pitch so people can hit the ball against The Green Monster. You don’t need to hit every branch coming down the Rocket Scientist tree to think that makes no sense. If you have strikeout stuff, you strike people out. On Wednesday, he did that. I think that was a corner turned. June is always his best month, but he usually stays hot in the summer because he likes to keep things appropriate. I wouldn’t trade a top bat for him, but I think his owners are concerned and I’d definitely buy him for the right price. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Andrelton Simmons – Speaking of Star Wars, this guy’s first name sounds like a planet in one of those made up galaxies that Lucas sold at auction for $150,000. “Now up for bid, an imaginary planet in the Arkanis sector of the Outer Rim Territories. Do I hear one hundred thousand? We have a bid from the forty-something year old man with acne. No, not you, sir, the man next to you.” Simmons had 26 steals last year in High-A and 10 steals this year in Double-A through 43 games. He doesn’t look like he has burner speed, but in shallower leagues and very deep leagues I’d take a chance on him. I say those two types of leagues because in one options are so abundant that it’s good to take a flyer on someone for a week. If they take off, great! If they don’t, there’s other options and what did you miss? A week of EverCab? Big whoop. In very deep leagues, you take him because your other options are Daniel Descalso.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I almost made Tim Lincecum today’s Buy. His FIP really isn’t bad. He just always seems to have one bad inning. His numbers with men in scoring position: .346/.471/.547 vs. .243/.313/.379 with none on. But I’m not going to tell you to Buy Lincecum. I’m not sticking my neck out for him! He smokes marijuana! Now, Roy Oswalt I can get lukewarm about! How’s dem apples? Mildly delicious! You do have to think Lincecum can come around though, right? Forget him! We’re through talking about him. We’re talking about that handsome man riding a tractor, wearing $400 overalls. “Roy, when you chew straw, you ever feel like neighing?” “Never, Billy.” That’s Roy talking to Billy, who lives next door from him, and they share a special bond because their bathroom windows face each other from across the yard. It’s like American Beauty, but less beauty and more horses. American Black Beauty, that’s what they call it. But, really, don’t you think Lincecum’s at least worth a roll of the die if you can get him cheap enough? Forget Lincecum! We’re not talking about him. We are talking about Roy Oswalt. Yeah, he’s about to sign with someone. I think he can get around a 3.75 ERA, solid WHIP and a 7-ish K-rate, i.e., AKA, vis-à-vis, ergo, henceforth, where’d the rest of this sentence go, a number four fantasy starter. But what about Lincecum?! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Elliot Johnson – He’s 28 years old. I can almost guarantee you his parents named him after the kid in E.T. While Longoria is on Reese’s, Elliot’s piecing together a solid couple of weeks. What? Terrible?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna be out at a family BBQ for Memorial Day. Your weird uncle that has coke bottle glasses is going to ask your girlfriend if she’ll pass the potato salad just so he can get a glimpse of her bra when she moves her arm, and then your friend is going to text you, “Anthony Rizzo called up! I grabbed him… Lqqk who sucks –> You! Say hello to your mother for me.” First thing you’re gonna think is, why are you friends with this guy? Bad enough he’s an ass, but he uses Q’s for O’s. Second thing you’re gonna think is, why you didn’t grab Rizzo and stash him a week ago? He is absolutely raking in Triple-A: .359 average, 13 homers in 37 games. LaHair’s obviously not getting benched, but he can slide into the outfield and Rizzo will be playing 1st base for the Cubs by June 5th. You can wait until June 4th if your league needs Nerf to supply the balls, but, in most leagues, you better grab him soon. In the meantime, let’s start calling Rizzo “The Scer.” You know, if Phil Rizzuto was The Scooter. Okay, maybe that doesn’t work. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Dale Thayer – Street’s closed, use alternate route. I’d consider going down Thayer. Street’s supposed to open again in a few weeks, but city planners and construction have already closed this Street 15 times in the last few years from just wear and tear. Chances are it’s up and running again are never definite.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Right now on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater the top outfielders are Hamilton, Kemp, Beltran, CarGo, Braun, Bruce, Jones, Grandy and then Bryan LaHair. Now, I’m not saying LaHair doesn’t belong in that company– No, that’s exactly what I’m saying. For 1st basemen, he’s currently above Prince Fielder, Votto and Miggy. I know, you think of yourself as a brilliant NASA-level scientist who has been working on a pencil made of Doritos crumbs. Your Dorito pencil will come to fruition; the sour cream and chive eraser is a great addition, but you didn’t plan on LaHair doing anywhere near this good. If you own LaHair, you stepped in LaCrap. Right now, a guy who people weren’t sure could make it in the major leagues is hitting .384 with 8 homers in 28 games. The power isn’t totally bonkers. He’s on pace for around 40 homers. 25 homers seems doable, maybe even 30. The batting average is Jimmy Stewart’s rabbit, Harvey. It’s Keyser Söze. It’s your imaginary friend that you agreed to marry if you get to 40 years old and you’re both still single. Right now, he has a .510 BABIP. The only way he sustains that is if LaHair has some Zapped telekinesis power. He wouldn’t even be able to sustain it if he hired Willie Aames to run on the field to distract the fielders. (Willie charges $15/hour for this service if you want him for your softball games.) His current K-rate (29.1) would have been third worst last year (or third best if you’re a masochist).Please, blog, may I have some more?
I liked me some Brandon Morrow, but I’m thinking of the old Morrow (not Edward Murrow) that had no control and sat down hitters like he was a furniture salesman whose favorite line was, “Try it out.” I talked briefly in our last podcast about Morrow. Rudy tends to think Morrow is a new and improved pitcher. I think Rudy’s standing too close to a newly-glued diorama. I just want to get out the facts about Morrow that we think we know compared to what we do know. FACT: He’s never had control. NOT FACT: Without control, he’s now able to pitch the ball exactly where hitters can make contact, but not get a base hit. FACT: His FIP is saying he’s getting lucky. NOT FACT: He can leave more runners on than other pitchers. FACT: His career walk rate is 4.39. NOT FACT: This year he can continue to shave more than two walks per nine off his rate. FACT: He pitches in the AL East. NOT FACT: He has a parakeet named, Chisel Jaw, that he dresses up in WWII pilot gear with a mini parachute. FACT: He’s injury prone. NOT FACT: Whenever he orders halibut, he shrugs and says, “I don’t know why I’m ordering this. Maybe just for the halibut.” FACT: He’s at the peak of his value. NOT FACT: He liked Jordin Sparks’ latest album on Facebook. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Steve Cishek – Ozzie wrapped a towel around his neck, had Joey Cora spray him with some water so it looked like he just stepped out of a sauna and said Heath Bell’s still his closer. Two things I don’t agree with there. First, Heath Bell’s terrible no matter how many times Ozzie says he’s the closer. Second, if you spray olive oil instead of water, it holds the look of perspiration much better.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Nolan Reimold has started this season like I thought he’d start the 2009 season. And the 2010 season. And the 2011 season. See a pattern? If not, I suggest answering C on all standardized tests and lowering your safety school expectations. It feels like Reimold’s been sleeping on his post-hyper’dom since Branch Rickey was just a twig. He has 25-ish homer power and 10-ish steal speed. If he gets on one, he hits 30 homers and steals 15 and is a top 25 outfielder. If he hits his head on his post-hyper-ness, you drop him. In my Nolan Reimold fantasy from January, I gave him the line of 65/24/80/.250/10. Don’t wanna trust January Grey because he’s been known to hit the bottle? ZiPS updated their projections for Reimold to 65/22/68/.260/10. So don’t trust me. But you gotta trust someone in this life. You can’t go it alone. Cause when you let people in, the world opens up to you. I think the preceding was a speech given by Patrick Dempsey in an 80′s movie that was followed by a slow clap. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Santiago Casilla – You know what he possibly gives you this year? 35 saves. Know what, say, Brett Myers gives you? 25 saves. We’re Cust kayin’ here, but Casilla should be owned.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I don’t necessarily love Adam LaRoche. Or LaLove him, for that matter. Sure, I’d like him more if he slept with a groupie then screamed, “And that’s how you screw LaPooch!” But I have no way of knowing that, and thinking of LaRoche having groupies is like thinking people actually buy John Tesh CDs. Though I do enjoy La Bouche — want to be my lover, be my lover! LaRoche reminds me of the guy you have on your team that you’re looking to drop all season long for anyone that’s hot, but still gives you 25 homers and passable counting stats. Strike that, he doesn’t remind me of that guy. He is that guy. Are you gonna wake up one morning and say to yourself, “I may have been fired, can’t make my mortgage payment this month and have yellow pits on my favorite t-shirt, but I own LaRoche… Today’s gonna be a good day!” Nah, son, shizz ain’t gonna be that sunny, but he’s hitting and healthy and should be owned. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Hector Santiago – On the podcast the other day, I distinctly remember saying (in my high-pitched Jersey accent that actually makes dogs howl) that Addison Reed would end up with more saves than Santiago this year. Well, la dee whatever, right now you should own Santiago.Please, blog, may I have some more?