At some point soon, the Yankees have to say to themselves, “Are we this stupid of an organization? We have a guy that is doing The Mashed Potato in the minors. Look at this…” Then a pile of balls that Aaron Judge hit are piled on the table, but instead of balls, they now look like mashed potatoes with stitches weaving throughout. “No, we didn’t have Lyle’s mom from accountant make a very long string of maraschino cherry stems tied together with her mouth. Those are baseballs with stitches that have been mashed by Judge.” One younger exec picks at a piece of mashed potato-baseball. “Stop picking at your food and eat it!” The young exec puts a piece of gummy baseball into his mouth. “I was kidding, you fool, it’s a baseball! You don’t eat that!” This has to happen soon. Aaron Judge is not getting any younger. Unlike me, I was 35 last year, and am 27 this year. Right now, he’s 24 years old and crushing pink cookies in Triple-A. The Yanks are nine games back and Tokyo drifting. No one on their team is young. Best move for them is to trade everyone or start benching guys to play Judge. Oh, and why do we care? Because Judge has Giancarlo-type power. He could hit 15 homers in a month. Fo’reallies. I have him stashed in one 12-team league, and I’d stash him in any league where I needed power. His time is nigh! Which sounds like something a Nazi would say, but it just means near. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Trevor Bauer has a long history of not being great like he has long toss, which is to say he has it. Was that clear? Good. I’d hate to start us behind the eight ball for understanding one another. Unless it’s a Magic Eight Ball, then we’d be finishing each other’s sentences. But since you didn’t finish that sentence maybe our Magic Eight Ball says ‘Outlook: Cloudy.’ I feel like I just went into Home Depot, bought the color paint, Persimmon, then painted myself into a logic corner. Can we start again? Trevor Bauer’s history is as long as his long toss, which is to say he could throw from here to China, have the ball begin a trade agreement for fortune cookies, with us sending them to China, have fortune cookies become our number export over Kardashians and balance the budget, making Trump announce his running mate is Bauer’s ball from his long toss, the Ball Broker, as it’s colloquially known. That’s how long Bauer’s toss/history is. Long story short, Bauer’s been around a while. Long people short, Altuve. Bauer came up in 2013 with ‘He can be an ace’ pedigree, and failed. Then failed for three more years. Old dude I’m moving on, is what you’re thinking. Well, you’re thinking wrong. He’s only 25 years old. His velocity upticked to 93.3 MPH this year vs. 92.8 last year. His walks have always been issue. So far this year, not much of an issue. His Ks are always around 8.5, still there. His ground balls have been whatevs in the past. This year, they’re way up, which is to say down. Everyone has been burned by Bauer. Been there, need aloe for that. But he looks like he’s finally turned a corner, and he wouldn’t be the first pitcher in his third full year at the age of 25 to accomplish that. If you need a starter, I’d grab him. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You have Eugenio Suarez as your middle infielder and are growing bored, so you check out The Replacements, and there’s so many possibilities. Anything you want, dear, is fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Everything you say, dear, I’ll buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, goodbye Eugenio. He was merely a steward to better things. Sorry, too formal, he was a waiter in the sky. He played/was fair, don’t wanna complain. Don’t want to treat him like a bum, don’t wanna ask Cougs and Ted who I should pick up in case of a tie. Now, I like what I hear about Tim Anderson. If bein’ wrong’s a crime, I’m waiver wiring forever. If bein’ strong’s your kind of pick up, then I need help here this Tim’s got power like a feather. If bein’ afraid is a crime, put the two players side by side. Cause Tim’s at the SAGNOF party down the line. So, Tim Anderson is just steals? Well, not entirely, but that’s what he mostly is. He can also hit for a solid average. In the minors the last three years, he hit .364, .312 and .304. The Honkey Sox seem happy to try him at leadoff, and, with his batting average skills, he should stick there. The speed is real — stealing 49 bases last year in the minors. I’d absolutely take a flyer on him for speed alone. South Park isn’t the only place that has a Tim A. with wheels. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Wikipedia says groupthink is, “A psychological phenomenon that occurs within a group of people in which the desire for harmony or conformity in the group results in an irrational or dysfunctional decision-making outcome. Group members try to minimize conflict and reach a consensus decision without critical evaluation of alternative viewpoints by actively suppressing dissenting viewpoints, and by isolating themselves from outside influences. Now spend forty minutes randomly popping around the internet until you somehow end up on an exercise video of Morgan Fairchild.” I’m sure someone has already done this, but you know how there’s Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon? Why isn’t there an internet six degrees to tepid porn? No matter where you are, you are six clicks from tepid porn. Any hoo! I was thinking about groupthink because of the comments on this site, but it’s more like groupspeak. Just listen to what the groupspeak say. Sometimes you get comments that can be helpful, even if they’re not intentionally trying to be helpful. If you see ten to twenty random comments asking about Danny Duffy, a pattern emerges. A beautiful snowflake pattern because every comment is different unless it’s a catcher question. With that many people asking about Duffy, there might be something there. So, I looked at his stats, and, J. Lo and behold, his peripherals are gorge. In 43 IP, he has a 10.3 K/9, 1.5 BB/9 and a 3.52 xFIP. He’s there with a 95.7 MPH fastball and a change that is buckling hitters. These are not waiver wire pitcher peripherals. These are ace pitcher numbers. I’d go pick him up right now…Which should only take you three clicks, so you have three more clicks to find Morgan Fairchild doing crunches. Enjoy (or be careful)! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Super Two’s time has come, finally. The rules for Super Two’s are as following: any player(s) that has not been called up previously or has been called up previously but has more than and less than 180 service time days. Service time days are counted backwards from 180 and if you get to 75 before you fall asleep, their service time has started. Players who have Scott Boras call the management of the player’s team about service time will not have their service time start. If Boras does not call, but his assistant does call, then service time does not start, unless the commissioner, Our Manfred, has to call Boras back directly. Then service time counts two times as fast or the player has to pitch or hit at a rate of 12 frames per second, which is fast motion. Of course, I have no idea when A.J. Reed or anyone else will be called up! No one does! Teams themselves can’t figure out Super Two. Delegates vs. super delegates is less confusing, but, obviously, also less important. Leave it to Major League Baseball to give you the most arcane rules possible. Reed hasn’t been tearing up Triple-A, but neither has Tyler White in the majors, and the Astros are committed to winning, and winning means trying Reed. Even if he hasn’t killed Triple-A, it doesn’t mean he won’t hit well in the majors, and he has big-time power. Now is the time to grab him in every league, his Super Two thing that no one understands is just about to happen! (So, was he a Super One before? Jesus, can’t someone just say everyone becomes eligible to be called up on June 1st? Would that be too hard?) Anyway, here’s more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You missed out on Julio Urias and are like, “I will never miss out on another top prospect call up, I promise you that,” then you stick your pinkie out to pinkie swear with your reflection, only the girl you’re seeing walks in on you pinkie swearing with yourself and you need to come up with an excuse, so you tell her, you’re practicing drinking tea with your pinkie out and that works because you’re dating Princess Iman bint Al-Hussein of Jordan, who your friends were more impressed with when they thought you were dating Michael Jordan’s lesbian daughter. Well, in order to keep your promise to yourself, you Promise Keeper, you need to pick up Jameson Taillon now now now. Not now, not now now, but now now now. Three nows. An extra now when now now is not fast enough. Why now now now? The Pirates skipped him this past week because they want him to throw more in the majors. Now (one now) they are simply sitting on him until they can call him up in the first week of June. I’d guess Niese or Locke get one more start in the rotation, then Jameson will be here. Is he that good? His numbers are kinda ridiculous in Triple-A — 9+ K/9, 0.9 BB/9, 1.82 ERA. I will now climb into my giant iguana skin throw rug and laugh hysterically like a madman. Jameson can be the number one call-up pitcher this year, and should be owned now now now. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
My years of sitting in French cafes, smoking really long cigarettes and wearing a beret, while sneering at children and puppies, has taken its toll. I’m no longer the innocent fantasy baseballer who picks up just any potential rookie call-up. I have more discerning tastes now. When I was a mere jejune tot, I’d sip a combination of ale and grenadine my bartendress called a Monaco and talk about Super 2’s and so-and-so was going to be the next Ryan Braun-like call-up. I’m no longer a tot; now, I’m a full potato, and I drink gin with extra juniper berries. Crunching on juniper berries, coughing from a tumor, watching cyclists in spandex shorts, carrying baguettes. The days bleed together. I take out my daily planner and pencil, lick the pencil, turn the calendar day to make a note to, “Buy more Virginia Slim 120s,” when I read a note to myself, “It’s almost June, start picking up rookie call-ups, you dipshit!” Ah, yes, Daily Planner Grey has a point. Today, I decided to highlight Trea Turner. At this point, he feels like the number one call-up. A.J. Reed, Jameson Taillon, Tyler Glasnow, Orlando Arcia might make bigger impacts, but the Nats consider themselves a playoff team and they’re in a heated division battle right now. I doubt they let Dusty simply ignore Turner because Espinosa is older. Older really isn’t a reason to play someone. An exec has to relay that to Dusty at some point. Turner looks like he could be a Francisco Lindor-type from last year — 7-10 HRs, 15-18 steals, solid average. Basically, a top ten shortstop from the time he’s called up. I would stash him now–*coughs* Sorry, I accidentally bought Virginia Slim 140s. The extra 20 is killing me. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hold the Internet presses (which is just posting a silly video; that makes the internet stop)! Jonathan Villar isn’t owned in more than 50% of leagues? That feels like a personal slight against my manhood. And my manhood is already slight! Hey, Previous Sentence Grey, not cool! My bad, Next Sentence Grey, but you set yourself up! This is like a Yo Momma episode on MTV where everyone called in sick so they had one schizophrenic guy play both sides. Yo, Momma is so fat her blood type is gravy! *same guy runs to other side* Oh! Oh! Okay, well, your Momma is so dumb she drafted A.J. Pollock! Snap! *runs to the other side, but pulls hammy* Yo Momma, shoot, can we pause? My hammy’s torn. *collapses onto ground* Don’t think MTV didn’t consider the one man Yo Momma show. Insider talk, they are one of the cheapest channels. It’s no surprise all of their shows star unknowns. Okay, this is neither funny nor that illuminating. I love Villar because SAGNOF. I hear ya, prematurely balding man, what happens when Arcia is called up? Well, we don’t know when Orlando Arcia will be called up and Villar can play 3rd (since everyone is over Hill, especially Aaron) or Villar can play 2nd, and Scooter’s a platoon guy that can’t always get it out of first. Villar has 40-steal speed and should not be on waivers anywhere. *pulled hammy Yo Momma guy pokes his head up* Yo Momma is so ugly…Yeah, I can’t continue, my hammy is killing me. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Is he learning the English language? Is he drunk? Is he trying to say ‘drawer’ while drunk? Did he have a stroke? Does he just not know that the person he’s thinking of is an artist and he’s calling him a drawer? Did he just have an operation on his teeth and he’s saying jewelry? The jewelry drawer? Does he have marbles in his mouth? Rocks? Gobstoppers? Is he doing an insensitive impersonation of a speech impediment? No, prematurely balding man, he’s trying to say the name Drury! As in Brandon Drawer–Excuse me, Brandon Drury. Yes, he’s about as hot as any hitter in the league and should be owned. In the bigger picture, he had a .331 average in 63 games in Triple-A, and is only 23 years old, so, while he hasn’t shown great power in the minors, it could still be developing. Is Drawer top shelf? Too Drury to say. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yeah, Justin Upton will hit six homers all year and .170. Yup, Jason Hammel will have an ERA under one. You betcha, Gregory Polanco will bat after the pitcher by September. Okay, on that last one, I don’t want to jinx anything, so let’s just say I’m being sarcastic and I don’t need no Polanco batting low in the order. Double negatives be damned! Finally, Jose Abreu is a Cuban sandwich short of pickles, which makes him a ham sandwich, which is a trailer park doorstop. He’s nothing. Done. It was a good ride we had with Abreu, but the last three weeks trumps all the seasons that came before it. And the new president of that sentence is trumps. Abreu, sir, if I may sit you down for a second. Please retire, your career is over. You had a good ride. Let baseball go. Look at Bobby Abreu, for example. He had grandkids and started wearing a dress and now goes by Bubbie Abreu. Take his lead. Your time is gone. Sure, you have an insanely low BABIP. You’re actually walking more this year than last. Your homers per fly balls is absurdly low. Your ground balls are actually lower this year, like subterranean. You’re striking out about the same amount. Alas, it’s over! Hang up your cleats! Not on that hook, that’s for my Par Djoos jersey for when I want to start a Sega video game fight. Or I guess you could just turn around your season; I mean, there are five months left. Yes, you should buy low on Abreu (and Upton). The season is barely nascent. Fun fact! N/A-scent is when you think someone farted, but they actually have a dead raccoon in their jacket. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?