Fantasy Baseball Advice

Excellers is now a word because you added it to your dictionaries.  The other day I went over some 2nd half hitters.  Today, it’s time for everyone’s favorite 2nd half fantasy baseball pitchers.  Or maybe these won’t be your favorite pitchers.  These are decisions you have to make on your own.  I can walk you to the fantasy baseball water, I cannot drink it for you.  Similarly to hitters, players get in grooves or slumps.  So if a pitcher has been terrible for the last month, but showed flashes in the 2nd half of last year, he’s worth considering, but he’s not suddenly going to be great, i.e., recent history should be weighed, except in CC’s case unless you have a medical scale.  Anyway, here’s some 2nd half fantasy baseball pitchers for 2011:

CC Sabathia – 1.56 ERA in 2008′s 2nd half to lead the league for pitchers over 60 innings.  He was ranked 7th for 2nd half ERA in 2007 with a 2.76.  In 2009, Chubb rock’d a 2.74 ERA, the 9th best in the majors.  Though last year his ERA went up a smidge in the 2nd half to 3.29.  Though, Part II: The Return of Though, that was better than his 3.52 career ERA. Though, Part III: Though Lives, all those innings on his arm could catch up to him. Though, Part IV: Though Part Three Confused Me, the innings have shown no sign of catching up to him, why would they suddenly?  Though, Part V: Why Do They Keep Making Thoughs?

Roy Oswalt – Except for 2009, he’s had great 2nd halfs… Yet, I worry about his injury this year.  And that yet needs a crane to get out of bed.

Wandy Rodriguez – Since 2008, his post-All-Star break ERA is 3.80.  2nd half ERA is 2.86.  Though he wasn’t good at all going into the All-Star break.  Damn, those thoughs (stutterer!).

Clay Buchholz – Had a 2.20 ERA in the 2nd half last year.  Though (again!) with his injury, I’d proceed cautiously.  You, not him.

Bronson Arroyo – I’d prefer to listen to him cover Sarah McLachlan at the latest incarnation of Lilith Fair than own him in the 1st half of a season, but every year Guitar Arroyo is better in the 2nd half.  Over the last three years, his ERA is almost 2 runs lower (5.08 to 3.09).

Scott Baker – Man (or two lady readers), is everyone that is usually good in the 2nd half coming off of injury currently injured?  It’s kinda rhetorical, so, ya know, no need to answer.  I wouldn’t rush out and trade for Baker, but he is only supposed to miss one more start.

Carlos Zambrano – I hate when I do these posts and it doesn’t work out the way I envision it.  Big Z was great last year (1.58 ERA), but he’s all over the place from minute-to-minute, let alone year-to-year.  He wasn’t good in his last start and, if he showed at Wrigley wearing a Gatorade cooler as a barrel dress and Michael Barrett’s head on the end of a tiki torch, it would surprise no one.

Trading season is upon us and Leo Nunez and Heath Bell could be out while Mike Dunn or Mike Adams could be in.  And K-Rod is 5 minutes ago, according to Jessica Shaw.  Every time Bell seems more likely to be traded first, Jeffrey Loria whips his checkbook onto the Marlins GM’s back to trade faster.  Between Dunn and Adams, Dunn is less likely to get saves between him and Adams.  Dunn’s chances skyrocket if he can bake McKeon’s favorite prune cookies or if he pushes Cishek down a flight a stairs.  Outside of trading, Aroldis Chapman is nipping on Francisco Cordero’s heels, but don’t forget Dusty’s penchant to stick with his incumbent.  On a related note, Ancestry.com revealed earlier this week that Dusty is a direct descendent of Jim O’Rourke, the manager of the 1883 Buffalo Bisons who once pitched Pud Galvin 656 1/3 innings in one season.  Your best bet for saves is to grab Mike Adams, Dunn or Chapman, in that order.  Or reverse order if you’re dyslexic.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Bobby Parnell – It’s all SAGNOF, all the time today, huh?  Hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich and put the SAGNOF between your knees.

Jason Isringhausen – Between Parnell and Izzy, I like Parnell.  Okay, that’s a lie.  I like whoever the Mets want to use in the ninth.  But I like Parnell to be used in the ninth more.

Jon Rauch – Him and his neck tattoo will shank you with saves.

Sean Marshall – I originally thought if Marmol gets replaced Wood would (stutterer!) take over over (stop stuttering!) Marshall, but Quade says Marshall, so that’s the guy to grab.  I also don’t think Marmol loses the job for long.  Maybe a few days to a week.

Javy Guerra – Only owned in 18% of ESPN leagues, but 85% of ESPN leagues are abandoned so I guess he’s owned in 103% of leagues.  Sounds a little high.

Paul Maholm – Has a 2.96 ERA, a 1.18 WHIP and you’re standing there with your hands in your pants playing pocket bocci ball.

Vance Worley – A tub of Liquid Paper is about to fall on his stats for some correction, but while he’s pitching well on a good team, as Fonzie’s horse said, what the hey?

Aaron Harang – Good for home starts and if your league has the category, “Ugly.”

Cory Luebke – Has an ERA of 2.57 and a WHIP of 0.89.  Geez, Officer Luebke, an ERA and WHIP like that?!

Mike Trout – Don’t have much faith in the Los Angeles Angels of Orange County Which Could Become A Different State From Los Angeles playing Trout once Bourjos returns, but I’d hold him to see how it pans out.

Nate Schierholtz – Every dawn has its day, every rose has its thorn and every year Schierholtz gets hot for about two weeks at a time.

Jose Tabata – Does he realize that the B in SB stands for base, not baby?  Maybe, maybe not.  Any the hoo!  He should be back any day now, Annie Potts.  I’d grab him in all but the shallowest leagues.  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  He goes 0-for-35 and steals your baby?  Big whoop!

Brandon Allen – Just went over my Brandon Allen fantasy.  I wrote it while manscaping.  Don’t judge me.

Scott Sizemore – With Grady being yawnstipating, Scott is about the only Sizemore doing anything, unless you count Tom Sizemore doing coke.

Jason Kipnis – Before we starting reaching around on each other that we picked up Kipnis first, what current rookie call up has made a difference on your team if you’re in a league shallower than 14 teams?  I like Kipnis for some light speed and power and decent average.  In two months, he could give you 7/7.  Get one more seven and you’ll have a jackpot in Reno, not so much in fantasy baseball.

Zack Cozart – I gave you my Zack Cozart fantasy last week.  I wrote it while playing craps with Pete Rose.

Eduardo Nunez – Maybe Nunez, the Yankees super-sub, can have A-Rod get Boras on the horn to see if Nunez can get some endorsements while he’s filling in for the next month.  “Bronx Subway’s Super-sub is a steal!”  That’s Eduardo Nunez badly reading a cue card in a local commercial.  BTW, what smells worse — New York subways or a Subway restaurant?

SELL

Shaun Marcum – We had high hopes for Marcum this year, didn’t we?  Well, I did.  Member in January when I had rented that biplane and wrote Marcum in a heart in the sky?  We found out two things that day 1) I loved Marcum 2) I look good in aviator goggles.  He didn’t fully disappoint.  7 wins, 3.39/1.13/101 Ks in the 1st half is nothing to sneeze at unless you’re allergic to productive #2 fantasy starters.  The problem moving forward is I think he’s still hurt.  He’s a man’s man that eats grizzly bear steaks and wears their dead grizzly heads for a hat, so I think he’s going to try to pitch through the pain and be less effective.  I wouldn’t trade him for a Billy Butler-endorsed manssiere, but I’d explore options.

Johnny Cueto – He has a 1.96 ERA and a 1.00 WHIP.  His K-rate is 5.44 and his walk rate is 2.83.  Another temporarily unnamed pitcher has a K-rate of 5.35 and a walk rate of 2.83.  That’s Fausto Carmona and his ERA is 5.78.  Obviously they’re not the same pitcher unless they urinated in a fountain while making a wish.  Cueto’s BABIP is .218 and he’s leaving more than 80% of men on base.  A pimply teenager runs into frame and screams, “Watch out!  Johnny Cueto is gonna fall back to earth!”  I’ve said that before, but everything in Hollywood needs a sequel.

I think I made up the word excellers, but it should be a word, so add it into your Merriam-Webster, who was not a spinoff character from that Emmanuel Lewis show.  Never the hoo!  Here’s some 2nd half hitters for fantasy baseball who should be better than they were in the first half.  To come up with this list, I scoured the last three years of post-All-Star Break numbers, ran it through a supercomputer that’s bigger than your Peugeot, pasted the supercomputer-generated names to my shirt like dollar bills on a wedding dress then went to a palm reader to help me pick ten names out of the thousands.  The palm reader’s name was Erica Karabell; she said there was no relation.  Anyway, here’s the best 2nd half fantasy baseball hitters for 2011:

Derrek Lee – Last year, he played the 2nd half like he was walking onto a yacht with an apricot scarf.  In 2009, .336 with 18 homers.  Last year, .298 with 9 homers compared to a .233 average in the 1st half.  I still don’t really like Derrek Lee compared to a lot of names, but he’ll come a lot cheaper than most.

Matt Holliday – Hit 24 homers in 263 ABs in the 2007 2nd half, 16 homers in 2008 and 16 in 2009, while also having the 6th best average in the majors.  Last year, he hit .327 in the 2nd half compared to .300, though his homers went down by 4 (16 to 12).  Holliday’s on holiday in the 1st half and Holliday’s Holliday in the 2nd half.  Any questions?  Yeah, what are you talking about?  Not now, random italicized voice.

Joe Mauer – Not completely contingent on the fact that he can’t be worse.  Partly?  Sure.  But not completely.

Ryan Raburn – Mr. Al Caps, “NOOOOOOO!  PLEASE DON’T GET ME EXCITED ABOUT THIS GUY AGAIN!  I ALREADY HAVE A BAD TICKER!”  I know, friend.  “DO YOU?!”  Yes.  “OKAY.” In 2009, Raburn hit 10 homers and .310 in the 2nd half.  In 2010, he hit 13 homers and .315 compared to 2 homers and .208 in the 1st half.  If he hits well this 2nd half, at least we’ll know not to pay attention to it in March of 2012.

Raul Ibanez – Well, there’s an exciting name.  Maybe I can point out Omar Infante next.  Ibanez has already started to get hot moving into the 2nd half…Yeah, I’m still not excited.

Jay Bruce – Was better in average and homers in the 2nd half of 2010, better in average in 2009 but an injury cut it short and he was better in homers in 2008 but that could’ve been him just finding his footing.  So, in other words, he’s not definitely better in the 2nd half, but if he does it this year, he’ll have a huge year and be a 2nd round draft pick next year.

Drew Stubbs – Solid in the 2nd half of 2010.  With only last year to look at, Stubbs doesn’t have a huge sample size to go on, but that never stopped my ex-girlfriends either.

Alexei Ramirez – Was much better in 2008, not better in 2009 and slightly better in 2010, so that leads us to maybe he’ll be better in 2011.  How’s that for clearing everything up?

Billy Butler – From 2008 to 2010, he has 883 1st half ABs and 19 homers.  In 763 2nd half ABs, he has 28 homers.  So he goes from a homer every 47th at-bat to every 27th at-bat.  Or from a light-hitting middle infielder to light-hitting middle infielder with moobs.  (BTW, Was sad to see the All-Star festivities couldn’t work in a wet t-shirt contest with Billy Butler and Pablo Sandoval.  Like that wouldn’t be more entertaining than Nick Jonas playing softball.)

Mark Teixeira – What would a list of post-All-Star break hitters be without Mark Teixeira?  Nada, nada, nada damn thing…

So it’s not really the 2nd half mark in the fantasy baseball season, but it’s the All-Star Break so what else are we going to talk about?  The newest The Challenge: Rivals?  If this show were on E!, CT would not only have his own spinoff, but he’d be getting married to a Kardashian by now.  Also, love how they seamlessly drop Real World/Road Rules from the show name, throw in people who you’re not even sure what show they were originally on and make the show better.  The Real World is now just the minor leagues for The Challenge.  Finally, on the last episode Mike in the water sounded like a dolphin getting f**ked by a shark.  Okay, as with all of the other 2011 fantasy baseball rankings, take this list with a grain of salt.  If you need a 2nd baseman, but an outfielder is above him that doesn’t mean you can’t trade the outfielder for the 2nd baseman.  Also, things change in fantasy baseball. Daily.  I could put Miguel Cabrera number one on the top 100 list for the second half of 2011 and he could get injured tomorrow.  Then he wouldn’t be number one.  See how that works.  This list is a road map for where I think guys are valued. It’s not the Holy Grail in the Church of Grey, that would be my mustache.  This list is NOT (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) where I see guys ending up if you were to take the first half and combine it with the 2nd half of their season. This is simply a list of the top hundred fantasy baseball players if you were to pick them up today. So while Stephen Drew did not have the greatest first half, he will appear on this list because he tends to come on in the 2nd half. The projections are not their combined 1st half and 2nd half numbers; they are their projections for the 2nd half of 2011. Anyway, here’s the top 100 for fantasy baseball for the 2nd half of 2011:

1. Miguel Cabrera – I originally put Miggy number one overall in the preseason, then I backed down when Miggy decided to do jello shots while operating heavy machinery.  “I’m allergic to green Jell-O…Unless it’s followed by seven shots of tequila!”  Who knew he had such allergies?  2011 2nd half projections:  45/16/60/.330

2. Ryan Braun – In the 2nd half, The Hebrew Hammer does work at the plate on every day but Yom Kippur.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/14/45/.310/7

3. Matt Kemp – Looks like one of those years where he’s on a mission to prove his worth.  He’s like Bruce Willis when Bruce Willis was cool and not Ashton Kutcher’s stepdad, or whatever their relation is.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/14/50/.290/15

4. Albert Pujols – I put his 2nd half projections a tad higher than Miguel Cabrera’s but I ranked him a tad lower because the injury has me tentative.  I still have as much love for Pujols as any straight man can.  2011 2nd half projections: 40/17/60/.330/3

5. Jose Bautista – I thought he was a one hit wonder last year, but it turned out he was like The Beastie Boys.  They burst on the scene with Fight For Your Right To Party and it seemed like they were a one hit wonder, but they ended up making music for more than 20 years.  That’s Bautista.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/18/50/.280/3

6. Adrian Gonzalez – There’s some signs pointing to a slight drop off for A-Gon in the 2nd half, but then you look at the lineup and ballpark he’s in and those signs go out the window.  Imagine saying that about him last year.  Imagine it!  You can’t.  You, “Mind blown.”  2011 2nd half projections:  50/16/60/.290

7. Mark Teixeira – I drink your PABST (Post-All-Star Break Stats from Te(i)x).  I drink it up!  2011 2nd half projections:  45/15/55/.300

8. Joey Votto – I actually had Votto ranked as low as 25th at one point, then as high as 5th.  This year he’s just missing some flight on his balls — that’s what she said!  2011 2nd half projections:  45/15/50/.320/4

9. Troy Tulowitzki – Riskiest guy so far, and I feel like I say that every time I rank Tulo.  If he didn’t get so G-D hot for a month at a time, he’d be ranked 15 spots lower.  2011 2nd half projections:  50/15/45/.295/5

10. Roy Halladay – This late in the season there’s very few pitchers that can impact your ratios.  Here’s one.  Or Juan, if you’re Spanish.  Razzball:  We’re Sorta Bilingual!  2011 2nd half projections: 10-2/2.20/0.95/100

11. Hanley Ramirez – As of this writing, he’s batting .237 and has been less productive than Danny Espinosa.  So maybe it’s the name factor, um, factoring in here, but you don’t have the name factor without a long track record.  Remember that!  Or don’t.  We’ll still be cool.  2011 2nd half projections: 40/10/40/.320/10

12. Prince Fielder – “For a vegetarian, he sure has serious beef with his dad.”  Sounds like a De La Soul lyric.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/15/50/.275

13. Evan Longoria – I’m not even completely honest with my shrink, but I will be with you.  I think this might be a lost season for Longoria like the lost season of The Honeymooners when Ralph and Norton had sex.  2011 2nd half projections: 35/12/40/.280/5

14. Matt Holliday – His lack of steals makes me wanna drop him in the rankings, but he’s just so bloody reliable — hey, I’m Gordon Ramsay! — I ranked him here.  BTW, I hated Ramsay for always, but am kinda enjoying Master Chef.  Crazy Hat Ben has a rainbow afro for hair.  Count on it!  2011 2nd half projections:  40/14/45/.320/2

15. Justin Upton – The Upton brothers — minus Upton Sinclair (Mike Trout) — are the opposite of reliable.  Justin had his star mitzvah in 2009 then slide back last year and is now, for lack of a more Jewish word, is reconfirming himself.  2011 2nd half projections: 40/12/45/.275/12

16. Carlos Gonzalez – Hopefully he remembers it’s paint the fence, not faceplant the fence.  2011 2nd half projections:  50/14/40/.280/12

17. Ryan Howard – Every time I rank Howard, I want to rank him higher.  I’m such a whore for Ks from pitchers and homers from hitters.  At least I’m not in denial.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/18/60/.260

18. Robinson Cano – To give you an idea how fluky only half a season can be.  Last year Raburn had a better 2nd half than Cano and Cano had a huge year in 2010.  Of course, Cano’s here and Raburn wouldn’t be in my top 300 because Cano does it every year.  2011 2nd half projections: 40/12/50/.310/3

19. Jacoby Ellsbury – Well, if Crawford was doing what he’s supposed to be doing instead of Ellsbury doing a Crawford impersonation, he’d be ranked here, so… I actually just got lost in my own logic.  I feel like the Memento guy trying to figure out how to end that sentence.  “Comma, comma, I’m lost.”  That’s me.  2011 2nd half projections:   55/7/40/.290/25

20. Tim Lincecum – I tend to rank pitchers a little higher at the halfway mark because if you need a big ace to try and fix what Liriano wrought, Lincecum is equal to any hitter in the top 20.  Continued in the next blurb.  2011 2nd half projections:  9-4/2.55/1.15/110

21. Felix Hernandez – Is it ideal to trade, say, Votto for F-Her?  Nope, but Votto’s not helping your pitching if that’s what you need.  What you need is more important than names at this point.  More on pitchers in the next blurb.  2011 2nd half projections:   7-3/2.65/1.10/100

22. Cole Hamels – Nope, that was all I had to say on that topic.  2011 2nd half projections:   8-2/2.80/1.05/90

23. Jered Weaver – Actually, there is two more things to say about starters.  First, just because I put Lincecum in front of Weaver, I wouldn’t trade Weaver for Lincecum.  They’re tomato-tomahto.  Don’t trade tomahto for tomahto.  Trade tomahto for potahto.  Or trade two tomahtos for one potahto upgrade.  2011 2nd half projections:  7-4/2.60/1.00/90

24. Justin Verlander – Second, I also rank pitchers higher at the halfway mark because once they’ve established themselves for the season, they seem a lot less likely to fall off in the 2nd half.  Unless they’re named Dan Haren.  2011 2nd half projections:  6-2/2.75/1.00/95

25. Dustin Pedroia – Not only should you buy a Sparky Anklebiter t-shirt, but buy one and give it to Pedroia when you’re stalking him in Boston Commons.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/9/35/.295/12

26. Andrew McCutchen – The Dread Pirate’s season is interesting (to me, at least).  He’s not exactly lighting up the scoreboard with shouts of “I’m a golden God!” but he’s filling up all five roto categories like a top ten outfielder.  Shows you that 25/25 over the season breaks down to 3 homers and 3 steals a month and, when you’re living that, it doesn’t seem as exciting.  That wasn’t even interesting to me by the time I got done writing it.  Sorry.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/12/45/.280/14

27. Curtis Granderson – I’ve only ranked him this low because I just can’t believe Grandy gets to a 40/25 year.  I am a non-believer, which is different than a witch, but only to some people.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/12/40/.255/10

28. Kevin Youkilis – Here’s another example where his name has him ranked way above where his stats say he should be.  Youuuuuk’s Stats, “Don’t put words in mouth.”  2011 2nd half projections:  50/14/55/.310

29. Nelson Cruz – One of those players that can be a top 5 guy in the 2nd half or get injured and be worse than Morneau.  The chances of either scenario are about 50%.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/18/50/.270/3

30. Rickie Weeks – I still have a hard time trusting Weeks, but I’m going to gather November, December and January Grey in Tahoe during the Thanksgiving break to see if I can come around.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/12/35/.260/5

31. Cliff Lee – The Adverb didn’t modify your teams for the positive last year in the 2nd half (3.79 ERA).  2011 2nd half projections:  8-3/3.05/1.05/85

32. Clayton Kershaw – I love Kershaw.  No, it’s lurve.  2011 2nd half projections:  7-4/3.10/1.07/95

33. CC Sabathia – CC and the Pitching Factory gonna make you sweat if you’re going against him in H2H.  2011 2nd half projections:  9-2/3.25/1.15/95

34. Jay Bruce – Perhaps his staycation in June where he didn’t get a hit for three weeks is reason to not trust him, but when he gets hot he carries a fantasy team.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/15/45/.260/5

35. Hunter Pence – Guys and two girl readers, Pence doesn’t flaunt big power like he’s tying rubber bands around his biceps a’la The Ulimate Warrior, but he’s steady as he goes, The Raconteurs.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/14/45/.290/8

36. Tommy Hanson -  First name:  Hommy.  Last name:  Tanson.  Middle name:  Gas.  2011 2nd half projections:  7-3/3.15/1.05/85

37. Jon Lester – To read your mind — Yes, if he didn’t just get injured he would’ve been ranked higher.  And, no, you shouldn’t put “I can burp the alphabet” on your resume.  2011 2nd half projections:  7-2/2.90/1.15/75

38. Ian Kinsler – He just needs to hit one of those grooves where everything’s going right.  And for the love of all that is holy, stay healthy.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/10/30/.250/12

39. Adrian Beltre – I want to draft a fantasy team next year where I only own Padres and Mariners pitchers and Rockies and Rangers hitters.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/12/40/.260

40. Carl Crawford – In the beginning of the year, I said McCutchen would be Crawford but cheaper.  That now seems like an insult to The Dread Pirate.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/10/35/.280/15

41. Paul Konerko – For what it’s Wuertz, he hit the third most home runs after the break last year with 19.  Behind only Bautista and Pujols.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/15/50/.290

42. Ryan Zimmerman – Definitely hasn’t taken the step forward I thought he would so far this year.  Knowing this schmohawk though, he’ll have a big 2nd half to make everyone buy into him again for next year then disappoint in 2012.  BTW, his first half stats were 15/4/15/.254/1.  That is the new blech.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/10/40/.285/3

43. B.J. Upton – Below-average average (stutterer!) or not, he can still hit 10 homers and steal 20 bags in half a year.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/10/40/.245/15

44. Drew Stubbs – I think Stubbs and Upton are gonna be forever tied together until one can break away.  Sorta like how I tied Adam Jones and Markakis together for a year or two until Markakis started to suckakis.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/10/30/.250/15

45. David Wright – I already regret ranking him here.  Can’t MLB contract the Mets?  2011 2nd half projections:  30/10/35/.290/5

46. Elvis Andrus - A 5 homer, 40 steal year looks great.  A 2 homer, 15 steal half not so much.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/2/25/.270/15

47. Brandon Phillips – If it wasn’t for his counting stats, his season would be atrocious.  5 steals in more than half a year?  Belch.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/12/40/.285/7

48. Josh Hamilton – He’s becoming the number one case example for the thriving field of Saberhagenmetrics.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/12/40/.310/2

49. Lance Berkman – I’m sure he’ll comment below that he should be ranked much higher.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/13/45/.270

50. Brian McCann – This post is pushing 2500 words and I’m only halfway through so quickly:  McCann is the best catcher which makes him the cream of the crap.  BTW, imagine instead of writing this post on a blog, I had written all of this in longhand in a lined notebook.  You’d have me committed.   2011 2nd half projections:  25/10/40/.280

51. Victor Martinez – This ranking is another one that’s more about what he’s done in the past than what he’s done this year.  Cause, friend, his power numbers look terrible so far.  2011 2nd half projections:  25/9/35/.295

52. Ben Zobrist – I was like, “Yo, Grey, how ya gonna rank Zobrist so high?”  Then I was like, “He’s been better than Brandon Phillips and I already ranked him.  And stop talking in third person, it’s really annoying.”  Then I was like, “I hear ya.  Keep doing your thing, boss!”  2011 2nd half projections: 50/7/30/.265/12

53. Jason Heyward – My sophomore year of college I was hit by a car, which nearly killed me.  It’s not in my e-book, maybe the sequel.  Yet, my sophomore effort looks better than following up Reservoir Dogs with Pulp Fiction compared to Heyward’s.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/11/35/.280/4

54. Jose Reyes - See Wright, David.  Or 9 inches above.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/3/20/.290/14

55. Mike Stanton – In the 2nd half of the 2010 season, Stanton had the 5th most homers in the major leagues.  He was like 12 years old last year.  Anyone who can’t understand my love for Stanton has never seen him play.  Watch some highlights of him, Goofus and Gallant.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/16/40/.250/2

56. Jimmy Rollins – The rest of the season is going to happen so fast, that you could grab a guy off waivers and get better stats than a bunch of these players.  In other words, don’t get caught up by names.  In other other words, Rollins could be solid or droppable in a month.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/5/25/.260/12

57. Michael Young – His stats remind me of a non-Grey favorite Prado.  Solid average, runs and RBIs.  I want homers and steals!  Wah!  2011 2nd half projections:  35/7/40/.315/2

58. Aramis Ramirez – I think I speak for all Aramis owners when I say I wish the All-Star break didn’t happen because of fear it might cool him off.  Hopefully he didn’t shut off the engine, just left it idling in the driveway.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/10/40/.280

59. Shane Victorino – Seems to be one of those players that misses 15 days every couple of months but picks things up right where he left off.   2011 2nd half projections:  35/7/25/.280/10

60. Dan Haren – Could be absolutely fine in the 2nd half and put his usual 2nd half slump behind him, but you’re really risking it by going out and trading for him?  2011 2nd half projections:  6-3/3.30/1.10/80

61. Dan Uggla – Had the 5th most homers after the break last year and this year he’ll come even cheaper to buy for your team.  Assuming you’re crazy enough to trade for him.  Takes giant beach balls sometimes to win leagues.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/14/45/.255

62. Yovani Gallardo – Hopefully now that we’re more than halfway through the season, YoGa is properly stretched out and can lower his ERA and his number of outings that make me want to stick my head in the oven.  2011 2nd half projections:  6-4/3.55/1.30/85

63. Krispie Young – If you look at his 1st half numbers, he could actually be ranked even higher.  Make an airplane noise with your fork and chew on that!  2011 2nd half projections:  45/14/40/.245/9

64. Adam Lind - Goes on these crazy streaks where he seems like a first rounder, then cools off to the point where he’s unownable.  Like a rich man’s Wigginton — call him Winthorpeington.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/15/45/.275

65. Matt Cain – Looks like his ERA has finally caught up to his FIP.  Or as David Price said in the next blurb… 2011 2nd half projections:  5-4/3.30/1.15/80

66. David Price – Sometimes it’s better to not over-analyze things.  2011 2nd half projections:  8-4/3.60/1.10/85

67. Josh Johnson – His porn star brother, Gosh, emailed me to say I’ve got his little brother ranked too low.  He also included jpegs that I can’t share.  2011 2nd half projections:  4-2/2.35/1.00/50

68. Carlos Quentin – CQ has stretches where he’s as unownable as a DVD of Roman Coppola’s CQ.  He’s a cheap Nelson Cruz though, because when he gets hot he carries your team for a while.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/15/50/.255

69. Zack Greinke – His K-rate is absurdly beautiful compared to his atrocious ERA.  Could be the best pitcher in the 2nd half.  That’s not idle chitchat.  2011 2nd half projections:  5-4/3.70/1.20/85

70. Josh Beckett – Ever have some players you don’t like for no reason at all?  Beckett just gives the vibe of the douchebag that makes you do naked jumping jacks to get into a frat party.  Not that I’ve ever had to do that.  So…good weather today, huh?  2011 2nd half projections:  7-2/3.50/1.10/80

71. James Shields – His Ks have been so great I’m willing to overlook the fact that I think his ERA goes up to the mid-3 range.  2011 2nd half projections:  6-3/3.55/1.10/85

72. Asdrubal Cabrera – As I said about a month ago when I wrote a Sell on The Drubal, I think the best is behind him and I don’t mean his glutes.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/7/40/.275/8

73. Chase Utley – To give you an appreciation of how much I care, I flip-flopped Espinosa and Utley in the rankings about two dozen times, unable to decide who I’d want more.  I’m still not sure, but if I had Utley I’d be able to trade him for more than Espinosa so that makes him ever-so-slightly more valuable.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/6/30/.295/7

74. Danny Espinosa -  Hey, it’s my pen pal…If he ever wrote back to me and my letters with all my pink highlighter hearts adorning the envelopes didn’t keep getting returned.  I love you, Espinosa.  Write back soon!  Or when you get a chance.  I just want to know you’re okay.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/10/35/.250/8

75. Mark Reynolds – All brays to Mini Donkey for being the only donkey worth his hay this year.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/15/35/.230/3

76. Starlin Castro – If he was an outfielder, he wouldn’t be owned in 12 team leagues, but he’s not so there’s that.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/2/25/.315/8

77. Michael Bourn – He’s either worth a top 20 player to you, or he’s not worth a top 200 player.  All depends on how badly you need an injection of SAGNOF.  2011 2nd half projections:  50/0/20/.270/25

78. Mariano Rivera – Put him with Bourn on purpose.  Closers share the SAGNOF definition with speedsters on purpose.  You either need saves or steals or don’t and it doesn’t matter where they come from.  As the top starters are boosted in the 2nd half rankings, closers are bumped down.  Really, if you need saves, does it matter if you get 12 saves from Rivera or Kevin Gregg?  2011 2nd half projections:  2-1/2.25/1.00/20, 18 saves

79. Adam Jones – At the end of the season, his stats will look eerily similar to Hunter Pence.   He’s like Skeet Ulrich to Johnny Depp.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/12/35/.280/5

80. Howie Kendrick – His numbers will look better for the whole season than just for the 2nd half.  Wait, every player is like that.  Well, you get what I’m saying.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/8/30/.315/7

81. Jayson Werth – Here’s a prediction for what won’t happen in the 2nd half.  He’ll get an extension from the Nats.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/12/35/.260/8

82. David Ortiz – His average is like an impressionist painting.  Up close it looks like it’s .300.  Step back a few paces and it looks like it’s .275.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/15/50/.275

83. Pablo Sandoval – He’s a Latin Billy Butler with a tad bit more power.  Call him Mooblo.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/8/30/.300

84. Ubaldo Jimenez – Hairs to you, Ubaldo!  I nearly left him off the top 100, but we’re at the point now in the rankings where there will be guys on waivers that do better than some of these guys.  2011 2nd half projections:  6-3/3.55/1.25/80

85. Carlos Beltran – Solid 2nd half or he’ll tweak something and the Mets will say he’s day-to-day then he’ll miss two months.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/12/35/.265/2

86. Kelly Johnson – Easily could hit 10+ homers and have a better 2nd half than Utley.  Remember we’re still just waiting for Johnson’s balls to drop.  Hehe.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/10/30/.250/5

87. Carlos Marmol – See Rivera, Mariano.  Or 7 inches above.  2011 2nd half projections:  1-2/2.70/1.30/40, 15 saves

88. Alexei Ramirez – This was actually the last blurb I wrote because I stopped at Ubaldo then worked backwards to Scherzer then went back to Beltran.  I tell you this because I have nothing to say about Alexei.  Enjoy your All-Star break!  2011 2nd half projections:  40/8/30/.275/5

89. Max Scherzer – Honestly, I’m ranking him here and I don’t even know if I’d start him in his next start.  2011 2nd half projections:  5-4/3.75/1.30/85

90. Gaby Sanchez – He (she?) can give you modest power and solid counting stats.  Plus, you can pretend you have a girl on your team.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/10/40/.285

91. Matt Garza – Go ahead, laugh.  His K:BB, K-rate and… Okay, I’m crazy.  He has to be better.  Has to!  I’m not even convincing myself here.  2011 2nd half projections:  5-3/3.80/1.30/85

92. Adam Dunn – Big-bellied players tend to get old quick, but this is insane.  Did Billy Butler eat David Eckstein and disguise himself as Adam Dunn?  Dunn probably shoudn’t be ranked at all, but he could hit 20 homers in the 2nd half.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/14/40/.220

93. Stephen Drew – Except in 2009, he’s always been better in the 2nd half.  Oh, and no matter how good he is in the 2nd half this year, I’m not going near him in 2012.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/10/40/.280/3

94. Mike Napoli – Will lead catchers in 2nd half homers.  I can feel it in my bones.  Or maybe I’m feeling something else because I just looked at Napoli’s mom.  2011 2nd half projections:  25/12/30/.245

95. Corey Hart – Member the huge first half he had last year?  Yeah, I don’t either.  Stupid mind-erasing drugs.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/12/30/.265/3

96. Joe Mauer – Hit .373 in the 2nd half last year.  Meanwhile, the year he hit 28 homers seems like decades ago.  Can all of baseball admit that these new parks were built with steroids in mind and move in the fences 20 feet across the board?  Like how there used to be monuments in the field of play in old stadiums, there could be a Carl’s Jr. in Petco’s outfield and no one would ever reach it.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/4/35/.315

97. Delmon Young – He had a good 2nd half in 2009 and in 2010.  And he has 2 homers and a .256 average on the year, so he can’t be much worse.  It’s called wishful thinking, go with it.  2011 2nd half projections:  25/10/30/.290/2

98. Neil Walker – “Damn, I knew Grey was drinking when he wrote this.”  That’s you.  I’m putting Neil Walker down to highlight how anyone can give you value in the 2nd half of the season.  Last year, Walker had 9 homers and hit .306.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/8/35/.280/3

99. Michael Cuddyer – At 2nd base, he’s actually been more valuable than Phillips and Zobrist who I have ranked ahead of him.  I might just be misplacing my Morneau anger on whatever Twin I can.  Something else I wanna note on Cuddyer, he’s been the fourth most valuable player in the last month.  With so little time left on the season, current productivity outweighs name value.  There, I’ve now said that about a dozen times in this post.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/8/30/.285/3

100. Whoever Wins You The Championship – It’s now or never, people! Make your move or lose.

Despite Ronnie’s warnings, I fell in love with the Jor-Z, sure.  I still like him a lot.  You can totally Control-Alt-Delete this opening in keeper leagues too.  But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — Jordan Zimmermann is going to be shut down in the next month.  The Nats are saying maybe another 6 or 7 starts.  That’s — how do I say this? — not good.  The inning limit is 160, he’s now at 108 2/3 IP.  If he gets to 158 IP in 7 starts, are they going to send him out for 2 more innings in his 8th start? Why are you bothering me, Random Italicized Voice?  S’s and g’s, G. Next year, they have the House of Strasburg returning and they want to be healthy.  If you have a leaguemate who’s paying LeBron, I’m paying Dwayne Wade to trade away J-Z.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Mike Trout – So what’s my take on Trout besides he’s best served cajun?  He’s kind of like the 3rd Upton brother.  He’s the white Upton, or the Less Uptown Upton.  Call him Upton Sinclair.  As Torii Hunter might say, “We lose Bourjos and get Trout.  They should’ve called that movie Anglos In The Outfield.”  He’s fast, i.e., Trout can really swim upstream.  He could be what we always wanted from B.J. Upton with a 25/40 line.  Prospects don’t get much better.  In only 74 games in the minors, he had 9 homers and 28 steals with a .330 average.  Yet, he probably won’t do anything this year.  When Bourjos returns, Trout may not even stick in the majors.  I still say grab him in every league for the outside possibility of upside.

Cory Luebke – As I profossilized (Made Up Word Of The Day!) in the preseason, I really should’ve just drafted the entire Padres staff on one team and only started them at home.  2.92 ERA, 1.21 WHIP at home.  I’d be near the top in all of my leagues for ratios.  And I wouldn’t have Liriano.  Win-win.

Jason Vargas – I could’ve put Fister here, and, actually by saying that, I am putting Fister here.  Two Mariners pitchers that will lose 2-1 games for the price of 1.  No decision-no decision.

Phil Hughes – Told you not to draft him in the preseason, don’t exactly love him now, but if he’s on waivers, it’s worth a flyer.  Talk about the old hard sell, or is that a hard buy?

David Hernandez – SAGNOF!

Joe Nathan – Let’s put it this way, Matt Capps just picked up Nathan for his fantasy team.

Zack Cozart – I just went over my Zack Cozart fantasy.  I wrote it while getting a tattoo of a unicorn on my back.

Travis Snider – Good source of power, but you can’t take him and his mustache within 500 feet of a schoolyard.  Friend, that is creepy.

Laynce Nix – Two sets of season numbers so far:  30/12/33/.279/2 and 33/6/28/.248/8.  First one is obviously Nix who’s owned in under 20% of ESPN leagues; 2nd one is Jason Bay who’s owned in 90% of leagues.  You make fun of teams for giving names big money contracts, but you’re just as bad.  Yeah, you.

Danny Valencia – Now dancing with Charo on Dancing With The Stars… Danny Valencia!  Hola!  Don’t know why but I always picture Valencia in a sequins shirt.  He’s been on a tear for about three weeks now and beyond that he’s batting .240 right now but he’s a .285 hitter.  So keep it going for Danny Valencia!

Emilio Bonifacio – He usually gets hot for a shorter period of time than a menopausal woman, but he is stealing some bags.  Speaking of bags, at Whole Foods they give you a nickel off any purchase if you bring your own bag, so I plan on bringing 1000 bags and getting fifty dollars worth of food for free.

Mark Ellis – He’s currently hitting, but I think owning Ellis is gonna get old quicker than any of those Charlie Sheen catchphrases.  Member when “Winning” was funny for like a minute?  (Not an Urbandictionary minute which is actually a long time.)

Clint Barmes – This is the kinda waiver wire pickup you make then immediately look again at the waiver wire, find someone else and drop Barmes three minutes later.  That kinda waiver wire pickup should have a name in the glossary.  Suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

SELL

Jose Reyes – M-E-S-S, Mess, Mess, Mess!  I’m so done with the Mets.  They got doctors from the med school that Steve Guttenberg went to in Bad Medicine and they keep selling us a bag of injured goods.  Beltran will be out for the weekend — he missed 15 months!  Wright is day-to-day with a broken back –  he’s never returning!  You think Johan’s ever coming back?  I’m being serious.  They built Metco on a haunted cemetery.  Speaking of which, they’re gonna probably tell us Jason Bay actually died last year and they never reported it.  Jose Reyes will probably miss all of July and a part of August.  If you can find someone — read:  sucker — to take Reyes off your hands thinking he’ll be back in a few weeks, go for it.

Nick Markakis – I’m feeling cantankerkis today.  His numbers:  36/7/34/.293/7 look like a healthy Crapolanco.  Whether Markakis is hitting or not, you can probably trade him for a better piece because of his name value then just grab an outfielder off waivers.

Aramis Ramirez – Yeah, he’ll probably hit a home run every game for the rest of the season and make this sell recommendation look silly.  Cause he’s never one to get injured, or go into month long slumps.  No!  Not Aramis.  He’s going to continue to hit like he had Babe Didrikson’s stem cells injected into his buttocks.  You won’t find a guy whose value is higher right now.  I’m not saying to sell him for the babysitting services of Casey Anthony, but I’d explore my options.