Adam Jones is not on a great team. He’s not hitting well. Not to be blunt, but he doesn’t even look like he’s getting stoned anymore in his ESPN profile pic. SOS to Adam Jones, it’s past 4:20, cuz. Grab some Crunk Juice and be fire. Right now, his BABIP, line drive rate, home run rate and walk rate are all way off. Bundle some non-investment-grade triple-B bonds make it seem like a triple-A tranche and trade them for Adam Jones. I.e.Please, blog, may I have some more?
How dare you. How dare you make me write a Buy for Jay Bruce. Did you forget all our pre-draft love? It’s less than two weeks into the season. People need to chillax. Here’s what Jay Bruce had to say to all his naysayers. Jay Bruce could hit 7 homers in April. Still. Before he goes streaking, go to Marshall’s and buy him some pants. You owe him that. Bruce is one of those guys that I wish would slump for another two weeks, so I can trade for him even cheaper. I will Mola Ram the Bruce right out of your team’s chest. Then I will grab a fart and Nolan Ryan it right into your skull Robin Ventura-style. As I cackle. I will cackle loudly. Hold Bruce, covet Bruce. Don’t give up on Bruce. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we jump into the players, I need to make an announcement. Our very own Rudy Gamble is getting married in a few weeks. Sorry our three lady readers, the fro’s off the market. So this weekend we’re in Vegas for his bachelor party and I’m his best man. Yes, I got him a blow up doll to carry and a uber-realistic vulva skullcap to wear all weekend. But that means I won’t be as close to a computer to answer comments until Sunday. You guys need to help each other. I know you can. Make me proud. Anyway II, here’s the post:
Jose Guillen – His last three Aprils –> 199 ABs –> 25/7/25/.211. –> Belch. This April his burps smell like he just chugged some rose water. I don’t think in October we’re going to have conversations about whether we can give Guillen an MVP even though the Royals lost a 100 games, but 30 HRs and a .280 average aren’t out of the question. Also known as, what you were hoping to get from Ludwick.Please, blog, may I have some more?
J.J. Hardy is an easy buy, which isn’t the same as an easy sell. Hardy’s not exactly promoting a yum-yum juicy chicken burger with a side of 30 homers and 20 steals. He’s cheap. His expectations are low. He’s 27-years-old and averaged 83/25/77/.280 at 24 and 25. Last year, he didn’t tune and check out with Khalil Greene, going off to mullet all over. Hardy started the year dealing with back issues and he never recovered. If you invite Hardy onto your team, you don’t need to put plastic sheets on the bed and hide all the good flatware. With O-Dog currently hurt and his grasp on the #2 spot tenuous, Hardy could be next in line for that spot. If so, 160+ R/RBI is definitely reachable and the power is already there. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Ervin Santana – I was saying the other day something like you should move to the exit row. I didn’t say exit. I was preparing my exit. Now when I see he’s only owned in 26% of ESPN leagues, I’m beginning to think people bailed on him too soon. This isn’t a buy, this is a hold. Format constraints and all that.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Our weekly Friday Fantasy Baseball Feature, Buy Low/Sell High is back after an offseason layoff. When asked what this fantasy baseball feature did during the offseason, it said this, “My family and I got together with the Fantasy Baseball Keeper posts’ family and we rented a Cruise America RV. Spent most of our days touring ice fishing spots in Montana and our nights were spent swapping wives.” Alrighty then! To get everyone on the same page, I like the Buy guys. I dislike the Sell guys. Now I’m not saying to actually sell all the guys in the Sell section or to drop them. Lots of times I’m simply saying to expect their current positive vibe to turn negative. Also, if Alcides Escobar is in the Buy section (which he is!) and Berkman is in the Sell section (there too!) that doesn’t mean I recommend you trade Berkman for Escobar. Everything’s relative, Einstein. Anyway, here’s some guys to buy and sell for the 1st week of the fantasy baseball season (start the games already!):
Alcides Escobar – He stole 16 bases in 45 games this winter down in Venezuela. (Ugueth Urbina did the same, but it was with a firearm.) Brewers should bat Escobar 2nd in front of Braun and Fielder. 100+ Runs, 40 steals and a middling average aren’t out of the question.Please, blog, may I have some more?
In September, Nick Markakis hit a wall like Super Dave Osbourne. For the month, he’s currently ranked behind Grady Sizemore (who hasn’t played since September 3rd), Cory Sullivan and Justin Maxwell for value amongst outfielders. If those names don’t sound familiar to you, they shouldn’t. They suck. Hold up, Albright. You’re telling people to grab Edwin Encarnacion and drop Markakis?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Who doesn’t love to show their frenemies their fantasy baseball teams in October and say, “Look at what I won with?” Then they see Juan Uribe and they’re confounded, “How did you win with Juan Uribe?” That is the secret to fantasy baseball in September. If you win your league, I guarantee someone will look at your team at the end of the year and be completely confused by some of the guys you own. Cliff Pennington? Robinson Tejeda? Did the other teams in your league quit?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yes, the title does sound like a Chinese R & B song. Krispie Young (For new readers, Krispie Young is the phonetic pronunciation of Chris B. Young to help avoid confusion with Cristal Young.) has been hot as cauliflower after a good broiling. 5 homers in 4 games this week; the post-All-Star Break last year saw him go 9/9 with a respectable (for him) .278. In 2007, he hit 19 homers and stole 18 bases in the 2nd half (ah, those were the days for Krispie). It’s critical to have the hot hands on your team this time of the year, especially in H2H leagues. I’d absolutely lose a cold player to take a chance on Young. Really, what do you have to lose, besides your league. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get to the Buy/Sell, just wanted to remind people that Fantasy Football has a fire going. So, if you like, take your marshmallows over there.Please, blog, may I have some more?
How about them White Sox?! Yeah, they chucked in the pale towel sometime between Ozzie Guillen’s Monday outburst and Ozzie Guillen’s Tuesday outburst of this week. One of the pieces them grabbed that was hailed by many as being a stroke of genius was Jake Peavy. Yeah, the Padres actually made a good trade there as Peavy struggles with an elbow injury. Another piece, Alex Rios. I think even Jessica Shaw would concur Rios is so fifteen minutes ago.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Before we get into today’s Buy/Sell, I want to clear something up. Last week someone commented that my Buy/Sell post only had Buy guys in it for very deep leagues. This is sorta true. With only a little over a month left of the season, just about every league’s trade deadline has past. So I could tell you to buy Manny Ramirez, but how are you going to do that? I do believe in the last month of the season, there’s something else you should be doing. Or actually not doing. You should no longer be waiting around for production. Jermaine Dye‘s put up fine stats this year. You guys going to get a room in October and talk about his great May? If Rajai Davis is on your waivers and you need steals and don’t need power, forget Dye’s previous production and go for the here and now. You’re up against the clock, fantasy baseballers (<–my Mom’s term). You only have so much time to make this shizz happen. If it’s going to happen. This is more or less for one year leagues. In keepers, you need to be prudent about who you can drop. Oh, and bee-tee-dubya, Jermaine Dye was dropped to fifth in the order and has one homer in the past month while batting .187. Cut the umbilical, doode. You guys are done. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell for this week in fantasy baseball:
Jack Cust – Wait, I know a better title for this post, “How To Bore The Crap Out Of Your Readers With Boring Ass Names?” Random italicized voice, you seem like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulders. No, not at all.Please, blog, may I have some more?
September 1st may mean autumn is around the corner for meteorologists, but you’re not Sam Champion, are you? No, of course you’re not. He’s handsome. For us in the fantasy baseball trenches, September 1st means rosters expand and rookies are called up. Unlike the September hitter call ups we went over yesterday, I’d use kid gloves with these call ups. As Paula Dean might say, pitchers can hurt you, ya’ll. If you need to take a flier on a rookie pitcher, tread carefully, young Razzball reader. Anyway, here’s some potential September call ups to keep your eye on for fantasy baseball, the pitchers:
Aaron Poreda – I’m crazy for HodgePadres, what can I say? Actually, I just said it. But even I’d be careful with Poreda. In NL-Only leagues, yes, please. Elsewhere, maybe home matchups.Please, blog, may I have some more?