Hello, new readers who found us from Googling the title! You probably weren’t expecting a fantasy baseball site. Don’t let that stop you. We’re an equal opportunity offender. And if the title didn’t interest you, how about Giants to add Bum to ‘Cum topped staff? Hello, our newest readers that didn’t find us due to the title, but did find us due to that last sentence! You probably will be offended. But say the title was, “Giants ‘Cum Led Staff Points To Bum Insertion.” Now if you found us due to that hypothetical title. Well, ahoy there! Don’t even get me started on Filthy Sanchez. All right, a detailed Madison Bumgarner outlook can be found where it says, “Madison Bumgarner outlook.” Bumgarner is risky, but in the NL West and with his stuff, worth a look in deep mixed and NL-Only leagues. In keepers, pursue him aggressively. So far this year, he has a 47:20 K:BB ratio and a 3.13 ERA in 69 innings. I’d definitely take a flyer (is it flier?) in certain mixed leagues where I needed the upside. Still, there’s a bunch of arms I’d want over him. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Brett Cecil – Besides having a name of a 70′s British pinup, Brett Cecil has a 0.99 WHIP and decent Ks. Sure, the matchups are terrible, but there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be owned in every league. For what it’s Wuertz, Cecil has appeared in three Buy columns dating back to April. Watch out, deaf ears, something’s falling! Please, blog, may I have some more?
You know how cutters cut themselves to take their mind off some pain in their life? (RIP, Frankie from The Real World… San Diego!) Well, I have an idea that major league teams can employ. They should hire absolutely terrible ex-major leaguers to make slumping hitters feel better about themselves. “Pena, you’re in a real bad slump, but imagine how I felt when I hit .195 for the better part of the 1990′s?” Wait, they already do this. They’re called major league managers. So, Carlos Pena is capable of 10+ homer months and 40 homers on the year. His average isn’t going to be good. He’s not a .170-something hitter though. Even if he hits only .210 this year. That’s a forty-something point increase from where he is. Right now, fantasy baseballers (<–my Mom’s term) aren’t just trading Pena on the low, they’re flat out dropping him. So you don’t have to buy him for a lot, you barely have to buy him for anything. You could throw a Pena owner a bag of empty pistachio shells that you already licked and they’d probably be happy to get Pena off their team. In fact, I just saw a guy walk through heavy traffic wearing a Carlos Pena jersey. Hmm… Maybe that was Carlos Pena. Come back, Pena, you’ll be better! (Note: I wrote this before I was told that Pena was a Buy Low guy at ESPN. Though I still haven’t read what they said, it makes sense when a 40 homer guy is struggling. Note from Hater Bell: Hey, Grey, you and Karabell should get a room and have sex.) Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
John Axford – Hoffman will either suddenly hang ‘em up and retire or he’ll be the closer again by the end of the month. At least that’s what my Magic Eight Ball that I purchased at Spencer’s Gifts says. In the meantime, grab Axford. He could get sloppy with his walks at some point, but he’s getting saves now. And, yes, I am an Axfordian scholar. Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Nats will probably bring Stephen Strasburg into Washington in the bubble car with the albino John Lannan charged with throwing rose petals at his feet. This was recently overheard in the Nats bathroom sometime in the near future, “Um, John, do you think you can stop with the petals?” “Stephen, it’s my duty.” “Yeah, well, this is my doodie and I’m going to be about 20 minutes.” “Fair enough, sire!” I went over Strasburg for fantasy already. Been there, drunkenly wrote that. I’m not changing my projections from that post. A three and a half ERA seems optimistic enough. Could he do a 2.75 ERA? Sure, but I’m not counting on that. I’m already giving him what I think we can get from Greinke. So a 3.50 ERA… Let’s see, who else could bring such luster to our fantasy El Camino. In 303 and a third 2nd half innings over the last three years, Bronson Arroyo has a 3.06 ERA. Would anyone in their right mind trade Strasburg for Arroyo? Not right now. The hype is way too strong with the young Austrian. Today, I think you can sell Strasburg for someone’s kidney. I’m not sure what you’d do with three kidneys. Maybe a bookend. Think about how you felt owning Matusz, Smoak, Ike Davis, etc. Please, blog, may I have some more?
It seems like every year around this time I make Mark Teixeira a prime breakout candidate. Why can’t he hit in April? Does he need mittens? His last three Aprils have produced a .245 average and 9 homers in 261 ABs. No other month is close to that bad. Please, blog, may I have some more?
In one article about Mike Stanton in The Miami Herald, a longtime season ticket holder, Fran, was asked if any player every matched Stanton’s sheer mollywhopping, pony sticking ability. The gist is no. Fran, at 85, had seen them all too. About Randy Johnson, Fran was quoted as saying, “Wild as any turkey ever got to be. He had that hair, and when he pitched and got sweaty, he had the nastiest head of hair you ever seen.” Now if I worked as a reporter for The Miami Herald, I’d make sure I had at least one quote from Fran in every article. If I could somehow find someone to match her quotey-ness, I’d say the quote was “frantastic.” If another reporter asked me to read their piece and they lacked a Fran quote, I’d say it’s not franny enough. Can we get a interview with Fran? Or should I just call up any retirement home in Miami-Dade County and interview anyone I get on the phone about the Marlins prospects? Mrs. Please, blog, may I have some more?
In an unprecedented move, I’m making Aramis Ramirez a Buy after labeling him a schmohawk in the preseason. Crazy, right? Get me a constituency and a mistress, I’m a flip-flopping politician? I’ll run on the “No more new tuxes” campaign. Then when people elect me and say they thought it was a typo or a weird lisp, I’ll tell them, “No, I’m just not buying a new tuxedo.” I don’t want to talk up Aramis too much because I don’t think he’s a surefire stud. He is what he is. A 25 homer, 90+ RBI, .280 guy. This past April was his worst month ever. The next closest month of the last six years was when he hit .197 in April of 2006. In the last six years, he never had more than two months under .250 in the same year. Right now, his BABIP is the unrealistic .160. His career mark is .288. That’s obviously a far way off. I wouldn’t give my dead grandma’s broach to get Aramis, but right now his owners don’t even want him or your nana’s forget-me-not. You can probably trade a Brain Freeze and a schmohawk and get him. Check raise the bettor, cause you have alligator’s blood. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Kris Medlen – In the minors, he averaged a 9+ K/9. Last year in 67+ innings with the Braves, he had a 9+ K/9. I don’t think he’s just going to walk away with Jurrjens’ rotation spot, but if Jurrjens has a setback (that’s a lilliputian “if”), Medlen could stick around for a month or so, giving a mid-3 ERA, a manageable WHIP and great Ks. I <3 Medlen. Please, blog, may I have some more?
This is a moderate Buy. I wanted to find a player that would make you excited to buy, but I also wanted to cover Grady Sizemore. I owed it to you, loyal Razzball reader. So here we are. Grady has NOT (Hey, it’s Caps Night!) been terribly unlucky. I know BABIP makes you say WTF, but I need to go there super quick. His BABIP shows a guy that isn’t that far off from his career mark. His line drive rate is around its norm and his fly ball rate is down. His K-rate is up and his walk rate is down. So to break this down into your Leisure Suit Larry terms, I think he’s pressing (that’s what the walks and Ks are telling me), his average should go up (his line drives), which should help his steals (guessing). There’s got to be some homers in his bat. Guy just doesn’t lose his shizz at 27. Actually, they’re supposed to gain it. I wouldn’t pay more than sixty cents on the dollar, but I would buy Grady. The Indians are despised, according to the Wall Street Journal (that’s real PC there, WSJ), but that doesn’t mean Grady needs to be. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the post, I wanted to tell everyone I’m in Austin this weekend to attend Rudy’s wedding. I won’t be near a computer for the weekend, so please help each other. You can do it! Now make me proud. Anyway II, here’s the post…
Brandon Wood – I will now attempt to avoid any Wood puns. As I opine… Dah! If you’re hard up… Gah! I give up, grab Wood. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Adam Jones is not on a great team. He’s not hitting well. Not to be blunt, but he doesn’t even look like he’s getting stoned anymore in his ESPN profile pic. SOS to Adam Jones, it’s past 4:20, cuz. Grab some Crunk Juice and be fire. Right now, his BABIP, line drive rate, home run rate and walk rate are all way off. Bundle some non-investment-grade triple-B bonds make it seem like a triple-A tranche and trade them for Adam Jones. I.e. Please, blog, may I have some more?
How dare you. How dare you make me write a Buy for Jay Bruce. Did you forget all our pre-draft love? It’s less than two weeks into the season. People need to chillax. Here’s what Jay Bruce had to say to all his naysayers. Jay Bruce could hit 7 homers in April. Still. Before he goes streaking, go to Marshall’s and buy him some pants. You owe him that. Bruce is one of those guys that I wish would slump for another two weeks, so I can trade for him even cheaper. I will Mola Ram the Bruce right out of your team’s chest. Then I will grab a fart and Nolan Ryan it right into your skull Robin Ventura-style. As I cackle. I will cackle loudly. Hold Bruce, covet Bruce. Don’t give up on Bruce. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we jump into the players, I need to make an announcement. Our very own Rudy Gamble is getting married in a few weeks. Sorry our three lady readers, the fro’s off the market. So this weekend we’re in Vegas for his bachelor party and I’m his best man. Yes, I got him a blow up doll to carry and a uber-realistic vulva skullcap to wear all weekend. But that means I won’t be as close to a computer to answer comments until Sunday. You guys need to help each other. I know you can. Make me proud. Anyway II, here’s the post:
Jose Guillen – His last three Aprils –> 199 ABs –> 25/7/25/.211. –> Belch. This April his burps smell like he just chugged some rose water. I don’t think in October we’re going to have conversations about whether we can give Guillen an MVP even though the Royals lost a 100 games, but 30 HRs and a .280 average aren’t out of the question. Also known as, what you were hoping to get from Ludwick. Please, blog, may I have some more?
J.J. Hardy is an easy buy, which isn’t the same as an easy sell. Hardy’s not exactly promoting a yum-yum juicy chicken burger with a side of 30 homers and 20 steals. He’s cheap. His expectations are low. He’s 27-years-old and averaged 83/25/77/.280 at 24 and 25. Last year, he didn’t tune and check out with Khalil Greene, going off to mullet all over. Hardy started the year dealing with back issues and he never recovered. If you invite Hardy onto your team, you don’t need to put plastic sheets on the bed and hide all the good flatware. With O-Dog currently hurt and his grasp on the #2 spot tenuous, Hardy could be next in line for that spot. If so, 160+ R/RBI is definitely reachable and the power is already there. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Ervin Santana – I was saying the other day something like you should move to the exit row. I didn’t say exit. I was preparing my exit. Now when I see he’s only owned in 26% of ESPN leagues, I’m beginning to think people bailed on him too soon. This isn’t a buy, this is a hold. Format constraints and all that. Please, blog, may I have some more?