At least that’s the creed that Francona and Epstein keep repeating to themselves as they sit in the fetal position on opposite corners of the clubhouse shower. Carl Crawford seems like a nice guy. Something about the name Carl. So innocuous. “Hey, sis, what’s your new boyfriend’s name? Carl? I’m gonna like him on Facebook.” That’s you jibber-jabbering with your family. Because Carl seems like a nice guy could be partially why it’s so sad to see him struggle this much. Doode better not stand too close to the Pesky pole in a lightning storm cause he will get struck. That’s been his luck so far. Franconian measures were taken to get Crawford going by openly mocking him with a lineup switch. That never helps. It’s like when you’re a teenager and your Mom makes an appointment for you to see a dermatologist. Suddenly, you realize you’re not hiding your acne as good as you thought you were. Crawford is really doing nothing wrong other than getting extremely unlucky. That luck will turn around and he’ll suddenly look like the 2nd round pick he was in the preseason. To misquote a cliche, get in now while the gettin’s not good. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Justin Smoak – I just went over my Smoak fantasy. I wrote it riding on the back of a bicycle through downtown Milwaukee while Shirley steered. Please, blog, may I have some more?
The man who looks like the man from Man Vs. Food’s father, Lance Berkman, is on a ginormous Kaiser roll. Speaking of pastry, it’s not a coincidence that Lance Berkman’s initials are LB. When he got to St. Louis, he asked the cabbie where the second arch is and why isn’t it painted gold. If you think you have 2010 Konerko, you might. But you also might have the 2011 Berkman, which isn’t nearly the player the 2006 Berkman was. For Berkman, this is either a great month or it’s the beginning of a great year. When dealing with a player on the downside of his career, I invariably go with the former, if the former is the first one where I think it’s just a great month. At least when he was on the Astros, they could just play him at 1B so he didn’t injure himself in the OF. It’ll take an apocalyptic event for that to happen in St. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Not that there’s anything wrong about being from NJ. Both Rudy and I are proud to be from NJ, though not in NJ. NJ ex-pats are great. We spread our love of high-haired women and capicola around the country. As for Jay Bruce, he’s sucking on the ol’ suckhole. You can say that again, but please don’t just say it again cause that’s lame; I really don’t like when people do that. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Around 7 AM on Sunday morning, my smoke detector started beeping every few minutes. Hungover, I rolled out of bed. I figured the battery was low, so I removed it and went back to sleep. An hour later, it started beeping again. So I removed the smoke detector from the wall and it stopped beeping. Then at 3 AM Monday night, it started beeping again. I pulled out my ladder and, like I was defusing a bomb but not caring if it blew up, I indiscriminately cut all the wires from the smoke detector and went back to sleep. About 5 hours later, it started beeping again. I pulled a hammer from my tool box and began smashing the smoke detector. Then I went into my office and did the same to that smoke detector just to make sure. Then I removed the one from my bedroom and did the same. No more beeping…. Please, blog, may I have some more?
After a long, much-needed vacation, Friday’s Buy/Sell returns. Friday’s Buy/Sell, “I spent the better part of the last four months having my naughty bits lathered in Marshmallow Fluff.” *crickets* Friday’s Buy/Sell, “All right, let’s get to the post.” Brett Gardner hit leadoff on Opening Day. In case you recently emerged from a coma, I’ll give it to you one more time. Gardner equals Jacoby Ellsbury. They’re the same. Tomato-tomato with a different emphasis. Right now, maybe you’re like, “No dur.” Okay, but in our Funston-fueled draft, Ellsbury went 70 picks before Gardner, so you may be saying “No dur,” but someone else is saying “Yeah dur.” If you’re a yeah dur’er and not a no dur’er, you might want to reconsider your dur’s. Or it’s dur on you. You want dur on you? No, you want no dur. Now, I’m not saying you should sell Ellsbury for less than his worth. I think he’s going to be fine, but if you can sell Ellsbury for a big bat or SP and get Gardner much cheaper, you do that. Dur. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Mark Trumbo – May not start every day, may not last in the majors when the once-singular Kendrys returns. Don’t matter to me. You’re not dropping anyone worthwhile to take the gambo. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Doesn’t Danny Valencia sound like a bad actor’s stage name? “For my audition, I’m going to do the scene ‘Eating the Old 96er’ from The Great Outdoors.” Okay, try not to choke. (Quick side note: My aunt used to date Danny Aiello. But not Danny Aiello, the actor. A different Danny Aiello. It was like McDowell’s vs. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Before the NAAPP, National Association for the Advancement of Polish People, write me, it’s not Polish, it’s polish. Pa-lish. Not Pole-lish… Oh, forget it. David Murphy has a hit in every game this month and, with Hamilton out, he’s playing every day. In the month of September, he has a .380 average, 2 homers, 3 steals, 10 RBIs and 7 instances of “Who the hell is David Murphy?” from fantasy owners. Texas Rangers media guide has him listed as “That Guy” and a picture of William Fichtner. When Murphy goes to the plate, there’s no song playing. Know why? Cause he’s unsung! Thank you, don’t forget to tip your waitresses. I know the prevailing thought with Murphy is he’s a platoon player, but why does that have to be Murphy’s Law? Well, because he can’t hit lefties usually but he is right now, so, like a trophy wife, own while hot. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Emilio Bonifacio – If you picked up Bonifacio in April of 2009 in your keeper then were abducted by aliens, your team’s looking good again. The Xavier Nady pickup doesn’t look too bad either. Though you may want to switch out Cantu. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Let’s go over the Danny Espinosa positives first, shall we? A) In Triple-A, he had 18 homers and 20 steals. B) At MI, you need another positive after A? C) B was already forced and you want a C? D) Hmm… You need another positive, huh? Umm… How about D. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Can’t decide if Roger Bernadina sounds like a park bench real estate agent or a telemarketer. Hey, this is Roger Bernadina– Hey, Roger, I’m in the middle of dinner. I’ll be quick. I just want to inform you that I’m hitting and stealing bases. Please, blog, may I have some more?
September 1st is an exciting time for fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!). Seasons change and it’s out with the old and in with new in baseball. For us in the fantasy baseball trenches, September 1st means rosters expand and rookies are called up. Unlike the September hitter call-ups I took my magical pencil to the other day, I’d use kid gloves with these pitching call-ups. Pitchers can hurt you. If you need to take a flier on a rookie pitcher, tread carefully, young Razzball reader. Anyway, here’s some potential September call-ups to keep your eye on for fantasy baseball, the starters:
Jenrry Mejia – Was up in the beginning of the year as a reliever then was sent down to get stretched out. Hey, I’m Mr. Please, blog, may I have some more?