I don’t necessarily love Adam LaRoche. Or LaLove him, for that matter. Sure, I’d like him more if he slept with a groupie then screamed, “And that’s how you screw LaPooch!” But I have no way of knowing that, and thinking of LaRoche having groupies is like thinking people actually buy John Tesh CDs. Though I do enjoy La Bouche — want to be my lover, be my lover! LaRoche reminds me of the guy you have on your team that you’re looking to drop all season long for anyone that’s hot, but still gives you 25 homers and passable counting stats. Strike that, he doesn’t remind me of that guy. He is that guy. Are you gonna wake up one morning and say to yourself, “I may have been fired, can’t make my mortgage payment this month and have yellow pits on my favorite t-shirt, but I own LaRoche… Today’s gonna be a good day!” Nah, son, shizz ain’t gonna be that sunny, but he’s hitting and healthy and should be owned. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Hector Santiago – On the podcast the other day, I distinctly remember saying (in my high-pitched Jersey accent that actually makes dogs howl) that Addison Reed would end up with more saves than Santiago this year. Well, la dee whatever, right now you should own Santiago. Please, blog, may I have some more?
That sound you hear is my heart going a pitter patter for Brandon Belt. That sound you might also hear is Bruce Springsteen on my iTunes. He’s singing the September 11th Telethon version of My City Of Ruins. It gives me chills eleven years later. Now to completely sully that beautiful image, I keep hearing, “Now the sweet veils of fantasy… Drift through the evening news… Young men at my corner…Like scattered leaves… The boarded up closers… I can’t believe one of the injured closers wasn’t Huston Street… The hustlers and base thieves… My pants are down below my knees… Where’s my Belt? My team’s in ruins! My team’s in ruins! Come on rise up! I need a Belt. Come on rise up! I need my Belt!” At this point, I don’t care if Belt plays every day, he should be owned IN CASE (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) he plays every day. He’s capable of great things. Trust me, if you drop, say, Jason Kubel, you won’t regret it, but if you don’t pick up Belt you may. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Alfredo Aceves – How about we get SAGNOF out of the way right off the bat this week? Please, blog, may I have some more?
Last year, the Buy/Sell brought you such brilliant ideas as “Grady Sizemore is gonna bounce back big time!” and “I don’t believe a concussion can knock a player out for a full year… Can I get a Morneau?!” Buy/Sell, “You know, I don’t point all of your crappy suggestions… Vernon Wells as a sleeper? 2003 called and said it wants its sleeper back. You’re lucky I even returned this year. A.J. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Twins aren’t winning. Twins haven’t won all year, actually. You can look it up. They’re 0-for-2011. But Ben Revere wants to steal bases for no reason. I love that. I’d prefer my fantasy players act selfishly and just try to inflate their own value. Maybe that’s lame, but we’re talking about fantasy baseball. We’re not talking about getting chicks with your IROC. When a player tries to inflate his own value, it helps us fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!). With so many players shut down or resting for the playoffs, the best thing we can hope for right now is someone who just wants some stats. Revere is the player. In the last week, Revere is hitting .464 with 5 runs, 4 RBIs and 3 steals. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Snap, snap, claw, claw, save. That’s The Save Vulture Dance. Snap, snap, claw, claw, save… Sing it like it’s The Electric Slide. The save vulture is a scavenger bird. They see weakness in others’ misfortune. A closer goes down or struggles and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff. Peck, Jim Johnson, peck. Peck, Joel Peralta, peck-peck. The save vultures are indigenous to rural and metropolitan areas, especially if there’s an injury. Goodbye, Brian Wilson. Hello, Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla and Jeremy Affeldt. Save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about. “How does my manicure look?” “Very pretty, Manny Acosta.” “Did you just call me, Manny Acosta?” “No.” Joakim Soria has tightness in his hamstring; the save vulture has limberness in its loins that only Greg Holland can satiate. If you need closers, there’s quite a few of them out there right now. There’s also quite a few that you can drop. Member when you were my closer, Fernando Salas? Fernando Salas, “I don’t know who you are and why are you sitting on my couch in the dark?” Doesn’t matter cause I just dropped you for Jason Motte and it felt great. Snap, snap, claw, claw, save… Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Lonnie Chisenhall – Why don’t you pick up Lonnie Chisenhall? Afraid of success? That’s what your ex-wife would say. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Dexter Fowler has been hotter than a junebug on the back of a furnace’s ass, or some other yokelism. Dexter? I hardly Fowler! Huh? In his last seven games, a .423 average and 2 homers. He’s not good for anything more than the occasional dinger, which only sounds talk between a wife and her friends. He is hitting on top of a lineup that puts up runs and he has speed. While he’s hot, I’d grab him everywhere. Don’t get left out in the cold. Remember you can’t spell Denver without Dexter envy. Or you can’t spell Dexter Fowler without DTF. That’s Doubles Triples Forget about homers. Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Big Donkey, Adam Dunn, was a big ass. Carlos Quentin’s status is TBD even when we know the ETA which we don’t right now. This leaves Dayan Viciedo playing. It’s addition by the subtraction of Ozzie’s choices. “Can Brent Lillibridge play first and third at the same time?” Things Ozzie has recently asked his bench coach. Viciedo was always a top Cuban raftee and, through his first four games, he has a homer, steal and is batting .538. Maybe we shouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’ head just yet, but you don’t need Mapquest to know he’s going in the right direction. Not to mention, I’m not even sure Mapquest still exists. Start a viable service and Google will take you over. I like your concept, Groupon, I will now do the exact same thing. With Viciedo’s 3rd base eligibility, he’s worth a flyer anywhere you need a corner infidel. That’s right, patch Dayan into your team for Golda Meir. (If you didn’t need to Google that last line, props to you.) Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Jack Hannahan – Perennial Carson favorite hit three homers in two days this week and .420 (stoner!) in August. Didn’t hurt that he brought his liger to the clubhouse to scare Lonnie Chisenhall. Please, blog, may I have some more?
This will be the last time I mention Logan Morrison for some time. Hashtag that. Not that I don’t like him, it’s just I’ve given him enough press, assuming the word ‘press’ still makes sense even though I’m dictating this post to a Montessori-taught monkey that I’ll occasionally catch looking at me like he wants to kill me and take over Razzball, which makes dictating that even more awkward. Imagine in 300 years when they find this post in a time capsule with Snooki’s poof. They’ll read that monkey sentence and think they’ve figured out the major problem with our society was we had monkeys taking dictation only to be disappointed when they read this sentence. Sorry, future reader! We’re more complicated than that! Whoa, that was a major sidetrack. So Morrison was sent down because he needed to “work on all aspects of being a Major Leaguer,” which basically meant he used to grab his farts and throw them at Hanley. If someone dropped Morrison when he was demoted, I’d go ahead and re-add him. Or have your monkey re-add him for you. I’m kidding, future reader, our monkeys don’t manage our fantasy teams. They only give advice which we decide whether or not to follow. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Kyle Seager – The other day I compared him to Omar Infante. I’ll see that comparison and raise him Martin Prado. Personally, I don’t like guys like Infante or Prado outside of NL-Only leagues, but I also don’t like people who write personally either, so there’s that. I’m a contradiction wrapped inside of lazy writing pitfalls. Please, blog, may I have some more?
If the name Casper Wells doesn’t get you excited, check your pulse. You probably still have one, otherwise I’m not sure how you’re reading this. Are you reading this from beyond the grave? Wow, nothing else to do in the afterlife but read about fantasy baseball? That’s awesome! In Triple-A last year, Casper Wells hit 21 homers and chucked in 7 steals. He’s never been much of an average hitter, hmm, that’s not exactly true. He’s a very average 5th outfielder for fantasy, but he doesn’t hit for much of an average. He fails to take a walk and strikes out a decent amount. Earlier this week, Casper hit the sheets out of the ball, homering in four straight games. That’s obviously the ceiling, but, for some pop (assuming you’re not from Minnesota), I’d grab Casper. BTW, Casper’s cheering section should boo. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Ramon Ramirez – What do you get when you mix a Horacio Ramirez (Hor-Ram) and an Asdrubal Cabrera (As-Cab)? Please, blog, may I have some more?
And all the pitchers in the top 10, please allow Stephen Strasburg to bump thee. Let’s see what we can say about Strasburg that hasn’t been said before. Mikhail Gorbachev’s port wine birthmark on his head is actually Strasburg mid-windup. I don’t think that had been said before. Please, blog, may I have some more?