BUY

Dale Thayer – Street’s closed, use alternate route.  I’d consider going down Thayer.  Street’s supposed to open again in a few weeks, but city planners and construction have already closed this Street 15 times in the last few years from just wear and tear.  Chances are it’s up and running again are never definite.

Brian Fuentes – I understand people’s hesitation about picking up a guy that’s lost closer jobs before.  How about when you lost the job at Buffalo Wild Wings because you didn’t do the Dracula sneeze and sprayed the wings?  You still landed on your feet at Pita Palace and they didn’t judge you, right?

Addison Reed – Imagine a scenario where you have to go to the bathroom, but to get to the restroom you have to stand on line behind a fat kid trying to pick out an ice cream flavor at a shoppe with 50 flavors.  That fat kid is Robin Ventura.

Casey Janssen – Sergio Santos’s return is imminent.  And so is Lohan’s acting career, if you believe her manager.  Take closer news at face value, then pick up the guy who is currently getting saves and rub it in the face of the ‘imminent’ closer.

Christian Friedrich – Christian sounds like such a handsome guy’s name.  I wonder if it’s a self-hating Jew thing.  Any the hoo!  I don’t know how long Friedrich is going to be worthwhile.  King of the Obvious, “He pitches his home games in Coors and he’s raw,” but his next start is vs. the M’s.

Wei-Yin Chen – Wow, this week’s starters aren’t looking good, but if you own Wei-Yin and Bruce Chen, you can change your team name to “I Got More Chens Than Yo Momma.”

Alex Cobb – I’d go by Al Cobb, if I were him.  I wish I could shortened my name.  Gr?  What the eff is a Gr?  That’s a Lisa Simpson sound effect.  Gre seems pointless.  Gr-Al?  What am I, Superman’s home planet?  Actually, I am.  Don’t touch my crystals!  I wouldn’t go near Cobb in most leagues, but in AL-Only he’s fine.  Shoot, in Al-Only leagues, he’s a first round pick.  Especially with the injury to Al Albuquerque.

Trevor Bauer – Tyler Skaggs could’ve been here too.  This is the time to grab rookies that might see a June 1st call-up.  In my heart of hearts (which is a second baboon heart that I have located inside my human heart), I don’t think we see Bauer until July-ish, but he’s worth the speculative add.

Bud Norris – He’s over my arbitrary 50% owned cutoff (65%), but that’s why it’s arbitrary.

Welington Castillo – I just went over him this morning.  Scroll down.  No, your other down.  Since that morning’s post was written, Soto’s headed to the DL.  Don’t shed any tears for Soto, his knee already did that.

Danny Espinosa – You know what these Buy/Sells are?  They’re player groupings (ploupings?) of all the guys I’ve told you to grab throughout the week.  What I think some other sites do for their weekly Buy/Sell is see who I’m touting all week and then list them.  I’m not bragging when I say this.  I’m fact checking, snitches!

Everth Cabrera – Called up by the Padres to take O-Dog’s spot.  If you need 20+ steals from your MI, EverCab is the man (he’s also available for bar mitzvahs).

Brian Dozier – Hey, he’s hitting!  (Okay, I got nothing else nice to say about him, but he is hitting right now — it’s all I got!)

Elliot Johnson – See what I said about Dozier but Find and Replace ‘hitting’ with ‘stealing.’

Freddy Galvis – Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy!  Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy!  Now steal some bases, you Smooth Criminal.

Todd Frazier – I just went over my Todd Frazier fantasy.  I wrote it while performing “Stairway to Heaven, Mon” with Dread Zeppelin.

Nolan Arenado – If you missed out on Frazier in deep leagues, you’re gonna miss out on Arenando too and you’re gonna be waiting for Danny Valencia to get recalled and then cry to sleep.  You wanna cry to sleep?  C’mon, do a headstand with that frown!

Josh Bell – He’s another third baseman that should be playing for his major league team right now.  He’s hitting crazy good in the PCL (almost .400, 4 homers in 22 games), but, as we know, hitting in the PCL is like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat.  For now, Bell’s a solid stash in deep NL-Only leagues.

Yonder Alonso – He’s hitting for average, but he has 1 homer and 1 steal.  BWAHAHAHAHA!  I mean, c’mon.  Move the fences in, Petco overseers!  (And the bases to forty feet apart from each other.)

Chris Heisey – Dusty Baker said he likes Heisey to play every day (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  Heisey could get 20 homers and 10 steals (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  I’d grab Heisey in all mixed leagues (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  Can’t we get Dusty a team where he has no options?  Could someone tape Ludwick and Bailey’s mouths shut, put them in a gorilla suit and ship them to Africa?

Xavier Avery – SAGNOF for Xavery!

Gregor Blanco – There was a legion of Blanco fans (The Whiteys?) that came out of the woodwork the other day when I didn’t mention he was starting for the Giants.  He’s basically a steals guy that might hit a handful of homers, if you had a woodcutting accident and only have 4 fingers.

SELL

David Wright – If you look at our BABIP vs. AVG chart, you’ll find Wright, um, right, there towards the top.  There was one other year he had an inflated BABIP.  The year was 2009.  It was during that year we saw MTV announce it would play more music from 3 AM to 4 AM, The Weather Channel began airing weather-related movies leaving the elderly to wonder where the tornado was and why Bill Paxton was reporting weather and, finally, Al Gore invented running water because he got bored of the Internet.  Also, that year, David Wright had a BABIP of .394, by far his highest BABIP year, and hit .307.  That year he also hit 10 homers.  Now, I’m not saying he’s only going to hit 6 more homers this year or that he’s going to hit .307.  But he’s most definitely not hitting .400, and 20 homers or 20 steals look around his ceiling.  The counting stats will be there, and I don’t think you should trade him for a Fairly OddParents DVD, but his value is high, and may not get higher.

BUY

Casey Janssen – Let’s get all of the SAGNOF’ers out of the way up front, shall we?  No reason to say we shall.  I can’t hear you.  You’re reading.

Addison Reed – Imagine getting behind Robin Ventura on a buffet line.  I think I’ll try the Matt Thornton, Reed, Sale, Santiago with a side of the Reed, Thornton, Sale, Santiago with a little extra Sale, Santiago– Just get the meatloaf and move on!  At least Ozzie had Joey Cora to carry his tray.  And massage his shoulders.  And manicure his cuticles.

Rafael Soriano – Robertson blows two more saves in the next five days and he’s lost the job or he settles in for the week and he’s the closer for the rest of the season.  It all hinges on this week, over-the-Internet friend!

Rafael Dolis – Okay, Random Razzball Commenter, since you’re gonna ask.  Dolis, Reed, Janssen, Soriano, Marlins Closer, Thayer, in that order… What?  Marshall’s also available?  Oh, geez.

Dale Thayer – The ex-Ray and Met farmhand as well as the star of the gay porn ‘Brian’s Thong’ is the latest bullpen project for the Padres with 2 saves in the absence of Huston Street.  Figure it’s his until he blows it or gets injured – which is the norm these days.

Steve Cishek – Edward Mujica, Ryan Webb, Heath Bell… You could have a team of all Marlins relievers.  You’d be dead last in your league, unless you played in the NL East, then you’d still have the Phillies below you.  Snap in the Wiz wit formation!

James McDonald – Old McDonald had a great K-rate e-i-e-i-e-i-oh.  Now relatively new McDonald’s K-rate is e-i-e-i-e-i-okay.  Old McDonald had a terrible walk rate e-i-e-i-e-i-oh-no.  Now relatively new McDonald’s walk rate is e-i-e-i-e-i-okay.  Six of one; half dozen of another.  Or e-i-e-i; e-i-oh.

Carlos Zambrano – You know how they take signed celebrity pictures and put them up in restaurants?  Why do I feel like in less than 6 weeks of the season there’s a picture of Big Z in every Cuban restaurant in Miami?   Signed Big Z, “Please consider adding a Cuban Sandwich with a Tres Leches cake in the middle.”

Christian Friedrich – I went over him the other day.  It went something like this, “Blah blah blah, good K/BB, blah blah blah, NL-Only, blah blah blah, next start against the Giants.”  And that’s me blah’ing me!

Brad Peacock – Google Brad Peacock and it returns the question, “Did you mean naked pictures of Grey talking about his favorite young pitcher?”  The A’s are rolling out guys right now that are blehtastic, and when Peacock gets called up, I’m gonna like him better than any other A’s starter, except McCarthy.  Yeah, even that damn Milone, sorry Diane.  Peacock is no streamer, even if it might sound that way.

Chris Johnson – Sticking with our newly established theme of commands an old man screams at the urinal when he’s trying to go to the bathroom, Chris Johnson has 4 homers in the last 10 days and his counting stats ain’t too shabby for an Astro.  Ruh roh!

Ike Davis – One of the first Sell’s of the year featured Ike Davis with a request for you to drop him.  Okay, now it’s time to pick him up.  There’s no flimflammery flip-flopping on fantasy first basemen (say that fast 117 times!), Davis was hideous, and now he no longer is.

Kyle Seager – Member back in March what you wanted from Dustin Ackley prior to your hopes and dreams being squashed?  Yeah, Kyle Seager’s doing that…Against the wind.  (Also, there’s a Kyle Seager fantasy to feast your eyes on.  I didn’t write it, but, if I had, I would’ve said the same thing, except switched out all the didn’t's to dinnit’s.)

Johnny Giavotella – Will share time at 2nd base and could run like crazy, and by ‘crazy’ I mean not always successfully.  Fist pump!

Andres Torres – For all of you Where’s Allen Craig At Commenters, he didn’t make the cut off of less than 50% owned as of yesterday at midnight.  At 11:59 PM, a few diehard Where’s Allen Craig At Commenters enlisted Anonymous’ help to hack into ESPN and push his ownership numbers to 49%, but Anonymous was busy taking down Pujols.  (They have a vendetta because he once said he liked the Interview with the Vampire movie better than the book.)  But, alas, I’ll make an exception inside this Torres blurb.  I’d pick up Allen.  I’d also grab Torres.  If you don’t know what Torres gives you, see Angel Pagan.

Josh Reddick – If you go to the top outfielders of the last 20 days, you’ll see Reddick amongst some pretty big names.

Andy Dirks – I just went over him this morning.  If you close your extraneous porn windows and scroll down, you’ll see it.

J.P. Arencibia – He’s not going to hit for average and power all year, but he is now.  Arencibia — that’s a one spicy catcher!

SELL

Alex Rios – Man, he’s like watching paint dry.  Not even an exciting paint color like forest green or periwinkle.  More like a beige.  Can’t drop Rios in all leagues, but in some shallower ones there’s gotta be better options.  Like Josh Reddick.  He’s better at this point.

Chase Headley – First rule of fantasy baseball:  Don’t draft a Padres hitter.  Second rule of fantasy baseball:  Don’t tell any chicks you do this if you ever want to get laid again.

Lance Lynn – I told you to buy him before the first week of the season and he’s gone 6-0/1.40/0.85/37 in 38 2/3 IP.  I’d say we had a good run.  I’m not saying drop him before the Liquid Paper is thrown all over his stats, but you have to know it’s coming.  He has a 93.8% LOB and a .209 BABIP.  Right now, every ground ball down the line is hitting a base and bouncing to a fielder and he’s escaped more jams than a deaf kid at Jazz Fest.  I wouldn’t sell him for an all-expenses paid spa day in Tijuana, but I’d explore options.

BUY

Steve Cishek – Ozzie wrapped a towel around his neck, had Joey Cora spray him with some water so it looked like he just stepped out of a sauna and said Heath Bell’s still his closer.  Two things I don’t agree with there.  First, Heath Bell’s terrible no matter how many times Ozzie says he’s the closer.  Second, if you spray olive oil instead of water, it holds the look of perspiration much better.

Edward Mujica – Member what I said about Heath Bell about twelve words ago?  Yup.

Brian Fuentes – I’d pick up Fuentes in some leagues.  I’d pick up Ryan Cook in some leagues.  I’d even pick up that Eddie Murphy movie guy, Norberto, in some leagues.  But this is far from a clear path to SAGNOF success.

Scott Downs – The Sciosciapath needs Adderall after replacing his closer for one blown save.  I think Walden gets the job back (or back, back, back if Chris Berman is reading), but Downs should definitely be owned.

David Robertson – I went over him this morning.  Try hitting down on your scrolly finger.

Matt Thornton – It’s been a long winding road for Hector Santiago this first month of the season.  At times he looked hittable and at other times he made Matt Thornton actually look good.

Jason Vargas – Marginer!

Chris Capuano – He’s no spring chicken.  His time for greatness has past (unless he goes to Japan, reinvents himself and returns a new pitcher named, Chris Dragono), but he could be that ever-elusive pitcher at the back end of your staff that stabilizes things.  Think Kuroda when he was in LA.

Drew Smyly – People are sure taking a long time to add The Emoticon.  I don’t trust people who el oh el after everything on Facebook that isn’t remotely funny — “Oh my God, my baby just wet itself while I was talking to the bank teller el oh el el oh el el oh el!”  Unless your baby is 37 years old, that’s not funny — But an emoticon?  It’s so innocuous.  And it has Ks.

Mike Trout – Unlike Bryce Harper, I don’t think Trout is deep-water fish.  He could give you 10+ homers and 25 steals right now.  On a side note, for my birthday, I want a picture of Trout, Tim Salmon, Kevin Bass and me in snorkel gear.  Someone make that happen.  Thank you.

Jed Lowrie – WHO! (While Healthy Own)

Alcides Escobar – WHO!  (Now the H is hitting, instead of healthy.)

Josh Reddick – WHO!  (Who let the dogs out?)

Ty Wigginton – I picked up Wigginton to replace Zimmerman and he’s been better than him.  And that’s not saying anything.  That’s like the opposite of saying something.  It’s like the guy who blinked that novel not even blinking.

Allen Craig – Know why he’s here?  Because of this:  Random Razzball Commenter, “Wow, surprised not to see Allen Craig on this list.”

Will Middlebrooks – I just went over my Will Middlebrooks fantasy.  If you click on that link, you’ll burn 7 calories.  You’re welcome, Michelle Obama!

Tony Campana – He steals like the wind… Did you hear that last line in my voice?  I’m in your head now.  Hey, what’s this thing do?  Oops, I think I just spilled chocolate sauce on your medulla oblongata.  I’ll leave your head now.  Sorry.

Chris Johnson – On one hand, I like Chris Johnson.  On the other hand, I don’t like Astro hitters.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on a broomstick, Johnson’s hitting over .300 with some slight speed and power.

Pedro Alvarez – If you went up to a girl at the bar and asked her if you should pick up Chris Davis or Pedro Alvarez, she’d smell the desperation on you.  Here, at Razzball, we welcome desperation and Pedro Alvarez.

SELL

Bryce Harper – But he uses the Shroud of Turin to apply eye black!  And he once ordered pizza to Syracuse from Rome, Italy on a borrowed cell phone!  And he has a butterfly named after him!  The Bryce Harpertail is rare and only found on the island of Guam, but it’s named after him!  Guys (and 4 girls), he’s not going to be the greatest thing since a Hello Kitty toaster this year.  He was struggling in the minors.  Maybe he was disinterested, as most 19 year old’s get, but he’s still only a 10-15 homer, 10-15 steal guy right now.  His value because of hype is way above that.  I wouldn’t sell him for a Groupon to the Ren-Faire, but I’d explore options.  (Don’t sell in keepers.  I’m talking about redraft leagues here.)

Danny Espinosa – It’s with much rueful rumination and fervor that I gather words that I don’t use when I’m speaking or really know what they mean, when I tell you Espinosa is a wanksta that needs some serious minor league seasoning.

Adam Lind – You win some, and you draft Adam Lind and he’s not winsome.

BUY

Santiago Casilla – You know what he possibly gives you this year?  35 saves.  Know what, say, Brett Myers gives you?  25 saves.  We’re Cust kayin’ here, but Casilla should be owned.

Henry Rodriguez – I wish I was in one of the 90% of ESPN leagues where HanK-Rod isn’t owned, but it might be impossible because at least 75% of the ESPN ten-team leagues are one guy who owns all 10 teams with ten alias then goes into the ESPN forums and says, “I’m going to grace you with my presence and answer a few questions.  If you wish to know my credentials, look at my virtual trophies on my virtual mantle on my virtual profile.”

Jake Peavy – Which Peavy are we getting?  The one that’s good when he’s pitching or the one that’s not good at pitching because he’s injured?  Isn’t it clear?  I didn’t say, “Isn’t it the clear?”  Now, now.

Lance Lynn – You know why there’s so many repeat customers in these Buys?  Because people picking up players in ESPN leagues are like De Niro in Awakenings.  Lynn’s pitching well, pick him up and save that fear of success for your real life and leave it out of your fantasy life.

Danny Duffy – A starter with more Ks than innings pitched is all right by me.  Plus, his mom’s name is Muffy.  What’s not to like?  Not rhetorical!  Seriously, tell me.  (I am prepared for this to come back to haunt me on Sunday when he faces the Blue Jays.  I’m looking ahead, young, prematurely balding man!)

Jake Arrieta – Between Krispie getting DL’d and Gardner getting DL’d (about an hour), I owned Arrieta.  I was looking at a way to make my team private, so youse couldn’t see it.  See, I really don’t like taking flyers on O’s SPs and would tell you the same if you asked.  AL East + terrible team = Not a’ight-a.  But Arrieta’s WHIP is intriguing (0.89).  He’s faced two terrible teams, and, keep in mind, I immediately dropped him when I needed another outfielder, but, yeah, I did pick him up.  He’s around a 7-ish K-rate and a high 3 ERA pitcher in the best case scenario.  The way he’s keeping his walks in check right now is something to watch.  If you grab him for the Angels game tomorrow, I’d leave him on my bench in most mixed leagues to see how he does.

Alejandro De Aza – Odd that he has more homers than steals, but that will invert while he still chips in some power.  He’s the new pride of the Dominican Republican.  Or DR Pride, which is not the same as the shirtless guy with the stethoscope and the ass-less chaps.

Luke Scott – I told you to pick him up last week and now he’s owned in 3.5% of ESPN leagues.  We are the three point five percenters!  How’s that for rippling the fantasy baseball world?!  You best recognize!

Mike Trout – On our last podcast, Rudy said he thinks Trout will be up by May 15th.  I think that’s crummy with crackers, but if you’re a Rudy loyalist with a pic in your fro, then you should own Trout right now.

Denard Span – He’s healthy!  That’s all I got.  I picked him up in my RCL because I lost Gardner and was looking for some cheap speed, but, most importantly, Rudy was the one who dropped him, so any chance to rub salt is valid enough for me.  Though waiting for Span to exact any revenge against Rudy is like hiring a contract killer who thinks a spliff is a blunt object.

Matt Carpenter – I just went over him this morning.  Don’t make me go back there!

Chris Davis – This week’s Buy is coming to you from downtown Baltimore, “Our crabs are better than your lady’s!”  At some point, I think the bottom is gonna fall out so bad for Davis that you’ll look up and he’ll be batting .095, but right now he’s hitting, so there’s that.

Mike Aviles – Grab Aviles while Jacoby is D’Ellsburied and your MI spot is as disagreeable as any camel that has ever been on TV or film. (Talk about an animal that needs its own anti-defamation league.  “Let me ask you this, haters of the camel, what other animal is dragging your stupid ass through the desert with no water?  Let’s see you ride on the back of your corgi!”  That’s me as I stump for the hump.)

SELL

Gaby Sanchez – You thought he (she?) had no power in the old (ugly) Marlins ballpark?  Welcome to the new (ugly and large) park!  I wouldn’t drop him (her?) for Jeffrey Loria’s address so you can egg his house, but… Actually, I’d consider that trade-off.   Nah, seriously, I wouldn’t drop him, but maybe you can use him as an artificial sweetener in a trade.

Paul Goldschmidt – This one hurts, because I really did like him in the preseason, but as long as Gibson’s slo-mo arm pumping Overbay into lineup, you need alternatives.  In most leagues, I wouldn’t drop AuShizz out right, but he needs every day playing time for the majority of mixed leagues.

Logan Morrison – We’re pot-committed to Stanton and his wonky knees (wonknee).  I’m not selling him for pennies on the dollar.  Morrison, on the other hand, has a wonknee and he doesn’t have 40 homer power and he’s playing in a stadium where the coach needs binoculars and glow sticks to direct his outfielders where to play.  As he waves glow sticks, Ozzie says, “Oye, Rooster, are the outfielders moving to the right?”  As he looks through binoculars, Joey Cora says, “I think you’re directing the nacho guy in section 7 B.”  Ozzie, “Puta, this is the worst stadium the devil ever puked up!”

BUY

Hector Santiago – On the podcast the other day, I distinctly remember saying (in my high-pitched Jersey accent that actually makes dogs howl) that Addison Reed would end up with more saves than Santiago this year.  Well, la dee whatever, right now you should own Santiago.

Fernando Rodney – A crap reliever, yes.  But getting saves, yup.  Somewhere, Bob Wickman and his fans that used to dress as candles are smiling.

Brad Lidge – Storen is out for a few months.  Does he come back at all this year?  I don’t know, but when that’s even a question you should be speculating on the doodes getting saves for the Nats.  Right now, that’s Lidge and Henry Rodriguez — or Benry Ridge, which sounds like a green-conscious company.  Here at Benry Ridge we know your stool isn’t just something short people stand on.

Santiago Casilla – I just went over him and Romo this morning.  Try the scroll, player.

Chone Figgins – Batting leadoff and over .300 as of this writing.  Do I love him?  Figgy, please!  But there’s some value here.  On a side note:  I had to draft a 12-team AL-Only team for Rudy the other day (and drafted Figgy for like $4).  Anyway, due to ESPN’s terrible draft room and my friend’s dog that I was watching, I accidentally nominated Scott Baker (after it was announced he’d be out for the season) and ended up with him for $1.  I only nominated him because he was on the top of the out-of-date list and my time ran out because I had my hands filled with a barking dog.  Obviously, I’m not drafting him and an online draft should be the best approximation to an in-person one.  You shouldn’t be penalized because of stupid draft software.  Immediately, I asked the draft to be paused — as we had paused it numerous times already because people accidentally bid too much or something — only this time it turned out that the host of the draft wasn’t there anymore, so no one had the controls to pause the draft.  Seriously, if you host a league, have the decency to be at the draft.

Kyle Seager – In that same AL-Only league that I drafted for Rudy, I grabbed Seager for cheap.  The next day Rudy was like, “Good grab on Seager.”  I thought he was being sarcastic.  That shows you how much I think of Seager.  He’s a guy with an outside chance for a 10/10 season.  Honestly, he may not be that much worse than Ackley this year.

Zack Cozart – Think this makes 4 weeks in a row I’m recommending you pick him up.  Next week, he’ll break the the all-time record currently held by Ty Wigginton.

A.J. Pierzynski – Okay, now I will walk into oncoming traffic for suggesting Pierzynski.

David Murphy – There’s a contingent of people that love David Murphy, and some that just don’t get it.  Call it the Murph Wars.  In the big picture, he’s really a 15/12 guy with a decent average that should only be started vs. righties.  But he’s also a guy that seems to produce whenever you pick him up, though that might be confirmation bias or some other fancy Psych 101 term.

Kirk Nieuwenhuis – I like Nieuwenhuis even if his name is impossible to spell.  His surname sounds like a starter home in Sweden.  He has decent pop and the Mets just have to stop playing Bay.  Like fo’ real, fo’ real.

Lance Lynn – I like Lance a lot.  His walks and Moor time he sees in the rotation may be his undoing, but he brings a solid ground ball and K-rate to the round table.  (<–Dorkiest puns ever!)

Jeff Samardzija – The buzz feels a little stronger on Samardzija than Lynn.  I get it, he was throwing near-100 MPH at the end of his first start.  That’s exciting, that gets the blood flowing to the nether regions without any blue pills.  I think Samardzija does have a higher upside, but Lynn should be a tad safer.  With upside comes downside, i.e., sex is nice, but now she’s emotionally attached and she just called you “Poopsie” around your friends.

Edinson Volquez – Kinda surprised I have to beg people to pick him up.  Everyone open your prayer book to “Guys who can get 200 Ks that are on waivers.”  Okay, now read from it.  You, “Edinson Volquez.  Um, that’s all it says.”  Yup.

Joe Weiland – Hodgepadre!

Juan Nicasio – Has a 7+ K-rate and should have around a 3.75 ERA.  There’s always the Coors Field factor, but that’s to scare girls (no offense, 4 girl readers, that’s a figure of speech).

Jon Niese – “Hey, Grey, let me ask you a pregunta that you can use your big brain for?  Edinson, Nicasio, Samardbfslkbkfwsa, Lynn or Niese?  Thank you and your mustache; it looks extra bushy today!”  Niese is the safest without the upside.

J.D. Martinez – He’s hitting third for the Astros and… Gah!  I tried so hard to get through that compliment.  He’s a’ight.  Will probably have solid counting stats and 20+ homers.  He’s really not that different than LaRoche (obviously a different position).  Rudy likes him a decent amount.  Rudy knows his shizz.  Some time ask Rudy about the time he vomited in the back of a taxi, then, once you got him talking, ask him about J.D.

Alejandro De Aza – You pick him up for the steals and you stay for the occasional homer and fun you can have singing his first name at a gay bar.  In all seriousness, he could be a cheap Victorino.

Alex Presley – I was downright floored — floored, I tell ya! — when I saw he was only owned in 6.6% of ESPN leagues.  Save that fear of success shizz for your real life, this is fantasy baseball!

Jordan Schafer – What’s this a 4,000 word post about speedy outfielders that have some minor pop?  I will pop you, son!

Ryan Sweeney – I told you to pick him up last week and I’m not going to repeat myself.  And that’s me quoting me, but, and this is a J. Lo-sized but, what a schmohawk!  Are you being meta?  Yes, Random Italicized Voice.

SELL

Mark Trumbo – I was surprised to get questions the last few days about dropping Trumbo.  I didn’t think people drafted him.  Stone Hands At 3rd + Pujols + Morales + Crowded Outfield = A near mint Dave Concepción rookie card.  Hmm, that math looks wrong.  I think I forgot to carry a one somewhere.  Either way, you need to look elsewhere if you own Trumbo.

Chad Billingsley – Is there any pitcher that had cushier matchups his first two times out?  Padres are like a throwback offense to the dead ball era and the Pirates haven’t had a winning season since Chuck Tanner.  If you think you can flip Bills, I’d make sure I had some back support.  If you think you can trade him for someone like, say, Luebke, I’d do it.

Brandon Belt – I still like him, but he’s the sun and Bochy’s head is the moon and there’s a total eclipse of the gooftard.

BUY

Alfredo Aceves – How about we get SAGNOF out of the way right off the bat this week?

Joel Peralta – I just hope this doesn’t turn into a closer Frankenstein named Joel P. HowGeeney.

Matt Thornton – Know what Robin Ventura needs?  A good Nolan Ryan noogie.  I hope Matt Thornton walks away with this job, even if I don’t trust him at all, but for now it’s a closer by committee.  I’d grab Thornton, Jesse Crain, Addison Reed and Hector Santiago, in that order.  Actually, I’d only grab Thornton.  I’m not speculating on four closers on a terrible team, but your straits may be more dire than mine.  Saves for nothing and the chicks for free.

Jim Johnson – As expected, Johnson was named the Orioles closer.  On a related note, my johnson is named, “The closer.”

Brad Lidge – I went over Lidge and HanK-Rod this morning.  It went something like this, “Yadda yadda eeny meeny miney yadda yadda.”  Riveting stuff.  If they gave out Pulitzers for fantasy baseball blogs, I’d be wearing a bunch of those puppies around my neck.  I’d be like the Flavor Flav of blog Pulitzers.

Henry Rodriguez – See 1/8th of an inch above or like 48 inches below to the other post.  Choose your own adventure!

Sean Rodriguez – At shortstop, he could be like Ben Zobrist but as a batting average risk and who doesn’t sound Jewish.  Or Low-BA Nobris.

Rafael Furcal – Looks like your standard Early Bird Special, which is fine for April, but if you show up too late you may have to pay full price for the egg salad sandwich.

Freddy Galvis – Haven’t talked much (if it all) about Galvis.  He’s the Phillie fill-in (kinda stutterer!) for Utley while he recovers from Glass Chipperitis.  Never one to shy away from telling you to pick up a guy about three weeks before everyone else and looking like a complete ass while doing it, I bring you Freddy Galvis.  Last year in Double-A, he had 19 steals in 104 games and 4 more in Triple-A in 33 games.  For a fast guy, he’s pretty egregious at getting on base and might hit under .220, which is, as a bowling alley that doesn’t cater to little people will tell you, no small feat.  If you’re crunched for speed and in a deep league, I’d take a look at him.

Lorenzo Cain – Lo-Cain will get you high without the teeth grinding and you don’t need long fingernails like you’re an old Asian man.

Ryan Sweeney – I baited you this morning to come back to read about Sweeney, and — surprise! — I’m kinda lukewarm on him.  He doesn’t have a ton of power or speed, but he can get you some average over the next month while Crawford is out.  He reminds me of Omar Infante.  Let’s call him, Omar ByMayImmaFinished.

Kirk Nieuwenhuis – Just went over him this morning.  Use your scrolly finger.

Juan Nicasio – Ma nish ta nitcher.  That’s, “How is this pitcher different than all other pitchers?” for those that don’t know Hebrew.  Nicasio can give 140 Ks and a three and a half ERA over the course of the season, that’s how.

Tommy Milone – Let’s get down to brass tacks!  Or is it brass tactics?  (And while we’re clarifying shizz, is it Tom or Tommy Milone?  What yo’ momma name you, fool?!  You say Tommy?  I say you full of Milone!)  Never the hoo!  You can’t get WHIP help off waivers and every team needs WHIP help unless you drafted Halladay, but then you need hitting help and that’s a whole nutter can of beans.  Yeah, I’m saying nutter instead of another.  Go with it.

Edinson Volquez – Okay, you can get strikeout help late.  Tis is true.  But you can’t get 200 K strikeout help later.  So there’s a nutter thing.

Chris Johnson – Won the Astros’ starting 3rd base gig.  That’s a lower case yay.  He had a huge spring with 5 homers.  That’s a medium case yay that doesn’t really matter anymore.  In deep leagues, you might catch lightning in a bottle out of the gate.  Plus, if you shout his name while in a urinal, you sound like you have a prostate problem.

Juan Francisco – As adults who are trying to sound like teenagers might say, dawg’s got pop for days.  I’d pick him up for a minute until Daddy Hurt Legs returns.

SELL

Jonathan Broxton – He was just named the Royals closer.  You know what?  That’s hella awesome, and I got a tip from Hella Awesome:  SAGNOF!  A basic tenet of SAGNOF! is that closers come and go and some go quicker than others.  Broxton could be fine, and don’t drop him if you lucked out into grabbing him, but, if you need any other piece, Broxton’s value will never get higher.  As soon as he pitches, his value will probably fall.  Act fast, young, premature balding man!

Michael Pineda – You knew better than Grey.  You said, “Grey’s an effin’ jerk with feathered hair, but a really cool mustache.”  I know, you did.  I don’t hate you for it.  But when you drafted Pineda, you done messed up.  You know that, right?  He’s reporting he can play catch.  That’s great news…That you tell the trade partner in your league why he should trade you something for Pineda, before he’s mysteriously shut down again.

Jason Heyward – I know it’s one game.  But I’m scared, y’all.  I think Fredi Gonzalez hates Heyward about as much as he likes to throw Venters.  And Heyward’s been striking out a lot.  He might need a change of venue.  I actually hope I’m wrong here.  I hope I’m reading too much into one game, but something’s up.  He’s far too talented to be hitting 7th, then if Chipper returns and Prado moves to the outfield and Diaz plays, Heyward could sit vs. lefties.   That’s death for his fantasy and potential trade value.  I wouldn’t trade him for a VHS of Mama’s Family blooper reels, but I would explore options.

BUY

Lorenzo Cain – Let’s see, Carlos Quentin is owned in 38% of ESPN leagues and Cain is owned in 28%, but only 95% of teams have drafted already, but 60% of those public ESPN teams have already abandoned their team and joined a Yahoo league instead because ESPN is a piece of crap roster managing site…  I’m sure glad ESPN made it easy to find the Transactions Log for teams.  It’s much more important to have Referenda accessible, right?  More like Reeferenda, as in what they were smoking when they designed their fantasy site.   What does this have to do with Cain…Sugar!?  Nothing really, but I’ve talked about him enough, just pick him up.

Jose Tabata – He’s only owned in 11% of leagues and that’s actually dropped in the last week.  Did I miss something about him?  Why’s he being dropped? For s’s and g’s?  In that case, drop Denard Span for s’s and g’s and pick up Tabata.

Zack Cozart – I can’t imagine who’s reading this doesn’t own Cozart, so I’m writing this for everyone who’s not reading.  Hey, gooftard, go back to ESPN!

Chris Parmelee – Supposed to be the Twins starting first baseman.  This sounds crackers to me.  Not sure how Mauer, Doumit and Morneau are all gonna see 1st base and DH time.  Could leave Doumit severely crunched for playing time.  Outside of AL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t go near Parmelee. There’s not a lot of upside (maybe 15 homers), he’s playing his home games in Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome and Doumit/Morneau/Mauer will all steal time from him.

Josh Donaldson – The starting 3rd baseman for the Oakland A’s is… Josh Donaldson?  Colby’s brother?  Is he as bonkers as Russell’s nephew?  Yeah, Donaldson has about as much upside as a case of hemorrhoids — hey, at least I get to rub my ass with ointment!  But Donaldson has catcher eligibility.  Probably the best second catcher in a 2-catcher league you’re gonna find for under five bucks at your auction.

Jeff Samardzija – The only thing holding him back from being successful is his control. So far this spring, he has 16 Ks and one walk. Keith Law commented this is the best he’s ever seen him, then he tweeted some pompous thing about Russian literature and coq au vin.  It’s worth an add on Samardzija, but I’m not sure I’d start him his first time out.

Francisco Liriano – Seriously, kill me right now.  Ugh.  F-Liriano, indeed.  But he is owned in less than 50% leagues and when Ricky Nolasco is owned in more, that’s not copacetic.

Tommy Milone – In the same ballpark as Brandon McCarthy (literally!) and Stauffer (not!), shouldn’t be great for Ks, but could provide nice WHIP support like Jiffy Lube.

Lance Lynn – Will fill in for Carpenter in the early part of the season and put a country-western album in August, “Lance Lynn Sings:  My WHIP Drives Around No Heartaches.”

Jonathon Niese – Here’s what I said in the top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball, “(Niese) had a K-rate of 7.89 last year and showed in the minors that is about right and could be even a little higher.  Also, he had a slightly off BABIP and poor LOB%, so he wasn’t really a near-four and half ERA pitcher, but probably three-quarters of a run better.  All these good vibes about Niese make me want to do my Grind workout.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Jonathan Broxton – Broxton’s got back, and saves apparently.  Yes, you should grab him.  SAGNOF!

Henry Rodriguez – Could get saves, will get Ks, could hurt your WHIP.  6 of one, half dozen of another and six of a negative.  That’s 6, which is not a prime number.  Oh, no!

Brad Lidge – Should be first to get saves in Washington.  Not to throw a bucket of cold urine on Storen owners, but I wouldn’t be shocked if Lidge gets more saves than Storen this year.

SELL

Chris Carpenter – I don’t know, I guess I wouldn’t drop him.  I guess I’d DL him if I already drafted him against my advice.  But I sure as heckfire wouldn’t draft him now, if you haven’t drafted yet.

Kendrys Morales – People are really excited about him right now.  I heard the other day he saved a kitten from a tree…By ripping said tree from the ground and gently placing it down next to the kitten’s baby mama.  It’s a moving story.  As discussed in our fantasy baseball podcast, Morales isn’t going to see enough at-bats in 12 team mixed leagues.  I wouldn’t drop Morales out right because of the previously aforementioned enthusiasm that I already mentioned aforementionedly.  I would see if I could get something for him in a trade.  Maybe a cheap Donkeycorn.

Mark Trumbo – Guys and four girl readers, where is he playing?  The Sciosciapath said he’d get 40 games at 3rd.  That’s not over the course of 40 games, that’s over the course of the season.  Where is he playing the other 120 games?  Angels playing with two DHs?

Daniel Murphy – He’s owned in 92% of ESPN leagues.  A guy with 12 homer upside?!  I feel like Matthew Modine in Short Cuts saying, “He said, ‘You want to have a go at it?’”  A guy with 12 homer upside?!  Two homers a month?!  This is Grey’s brain.  This is Grey’s brain baffled.

Drew Storen – Splash!  That was the bucket of cold urine.  A closer who can’t throw in Spring Training because of arm troubles is, um, trouble.  I wouldn’t trade Storen for an opened bag of candy corn from Halloween ’95, but I’d explore options.

BUY

Mike Carp - He’s hitting .400 over the last week with two homers.  This from our frequent commenter, Rabbit, “So how much of a team can you fill up with fish-themed players?  You’ve got Carp, Trout, and Anthony Bass.  I’d say you can include Jason Bay and Dan, Tim and Kyle Hudson (but not Vernon Wells – the first two bodies of water contain fish, the other better not) and maybe one of the Thames (whichever one pronounces his name like the river).  Jerry Sands and Brandon Beachy seem a close enough fit.  If you push it a bit, your catcher could be Pierzynski (Where do you fish from?  The pier, Zynski.), and maybe you could have Wilson “Exxon” Valdez (he sure killed a lot of fish).”

Nolan Reimold – Has three homers and three steals in the last ten games.  Sure, he’s flopped a bunch in the past, but who are you to judge Reimold?  Fred Savage?

Jerry Sands – Him and Bugsy helped build Vegas and now Sands is hitting .458 over the last week with 2 homers.

Salvador Perez – In his short time in the majors, he’s hitting .344 with 2 homers.  In the even shorter time of the last week, he’s hitting .579 with one homer.  In the even shortest time of his last at-bat, he’s 1-for-1.  That’s batting one thousand!  Use Ted Williams’s frozen medulla oblongata and carve out Perez’s Hall of Fame plaque!

John Mayberry Jr. – With the Phils clinched, Mayberry’s seeing more time and hitting (.409 with 2 homers in the last week).  It’s Mayberry BFD.

Joel Peralta – Farnsworth should return today, but you never know what can happen, except there will be a plague of locust as we know from The Book of Joel Peralta.

Greg Holland – Besides the saves (which he is getting now), he’s had a much better year than Soria.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!

Mike Aviles – Starting at 3rd base for the Sawx over the last week and he’s hitting .385 with 2 homers.  Last September, he had 6 homers and hit .357.  I accept this H2H trophy on behalf of all the men and women in the Armed Forces, and Mike Aviles.

Eric Young Jr. – Do I dare recommend him again?  I dare, I dare.  Do you care to pick him up again?  You care, you care.  Do you have someone to change your baby’s diaper?  Au pair, au pair.

Mike Moustakas – Over the last seven days, he has 2 homers and is hitting .500.  Finally, someone sprayed some Windex on his bat.

Lonnie Chisenhall – It seems inevitable that all of these guys that are hitting in September are going to be overrated next March.  Cust kayin’.

Brent Morel – Not only is he hitting (4 homers in the last ten games) but he seems like a funghi.

Cory Luebke - If you want a list of starters for the last week of the season, head over to the borderline fantasy starter post.  I wrote it while covering my eyes during the elevator scene in Drive.

SELL

Joakim Soria – I don’t think he’s going to pitch again this year.  Seriously, no Joakim.

Mitch Moreland – Before he just wasn’t hitting, now he’s not playing.  You see how that could hurt his value?  I.e., stop your Mitchin’.

Brett Lawrie – You guys will always have those moments you shared.  No one can take those from you.  Not even the IRS.

Troy Tulowitzki – Unlike previous years, the Rockies threw up the white flag in late August.  Hey, on the bright side, you don’t need a huge September from Tulo to make his season worthwhile.

Carlos Gonzalez – Probably done for the year.  His season ending stats are 92/26/92/.295/20.  My preseason projections were 90/24/95/.285/20.  Is that a boo-ya?  Or just boo-ya adjacent?

Anyone that is not going to help you win right now – There’s no time left, drop anyone that is not playing and add players that are.  Now excuse me while I go see Moneyball.  BTW, I’d love to hear a review of Moneyball by Joe Morgan.  “Is that John Kruk playing opposite Brad Pitt?  He was excellent!  I didn’t know he could play so Jewish.”

BUY

Lonnie Chisenhall – Why don’t you pick up Lonnie Chisenhall?  Afraid of success?  That’s what your ex-wife would say.

Brent Morel – Has 4 homers in the last week with one of them coming off Porcello in a battle of the mushrooms that had the Smurfs gasping.

Juan Francisco – I went over my Juan Francisco fantasy the other day.  I wrote it while huffing grape-scented magic markers.

Omar Infante – If I was teammates with Infante, I’d be like, “What’s up, Toddler?!”  Then he’d be like, “It’s Infante, not Infant-e.”  “That’s cool, Toddler!”  He’d probably hate me.  It’s a’ight, I usually hate him, but right now he’s hitting (.346 in the last week).

Paul Goldschmidt – I’ll probably go all in with Goldschmidt next year, but he’s still a little raw.  To put that in Hell’s Kitchen-speak, if you’re owning Goldschmidt now, you’re probably walking with scallops about a minute early.

Derrek Lee – Back in the 50′s, when Lee was particpating in “Duck and Cover” drills, I wonder how he used to get under the desk.  Any the hoo!  He’s hitting, so there’s that.

Ryan Raburn – He hit two homers this week, and, yeah, I have a hard time trusting him too.  Appropriate his name contains ‘burn’ cause he’s done it to me a bunch of times.

Dee Gordon – Over the last week, he’s looked pretty lost at the plate but he could steal 5 bases this weekend.  It’s like that old joke; you own Gordon cause you need the eggs.

Marco Scutaro – He’s been hitting the cover off the ball Roy Hobbs-style.  Though, hitting the cover off the ball Marco Scutaro-style means one homer and a couple of doubles.

Jon Jay – Even before the Holliday injury, Jay was starting and hitting.  Jon Jay Jingleheimer Schmidt is my fifth outfielder and can be your fifth outfielder too.

Allen Craig – Now he should get extra playing time because of Holliday’s injury.  He reminds me of the best and worst of Infante.  Cute, but peeing in your face when you change his diaper.

Drew Pomeranz – (Or Matt Moore or Brad Peacock or Shelby Miller or any other top pitching prospect.)  These adds are more for dynasty and keeper leagues.  As for other starters at this time of year, they’re all either addable or droppable depending on their matchups.  If you want some under 50% owned starters, look at my borderline fantasy starter post from yesterday.

Wilin Rosario – The Rockies moved on from Iannetta.  In Double-A, Rosario had 21 homers in 426 plate appearances and only walked 19 times.  Sounds like the Rockies found themselves Miguel Olivo Jr.  I will now call you Miguelito, The Tiny Olive.  I wouldn’t run out and add Rosario outside of NL-Only keepers and deep two catcher leagues.

SELL

Adam Jones – Hey, he’s making himself undervalued for next year.  We can appreciate that, right?

Nelson Cruz – He might start, uh, starting games tomorrow or Sunday.  Then he might sit for a day, start, sit, etc. etc. etc.  If you have room to switch him back and forth from your bench, then you hold him.  Otherwise, I want someone I can trust to play.

Kevin Youkilis – Youuuuuuuk looks like puuuuuuke.

Mark Reynolds – He’s in one of his 6 for 40 stretches that makes you want to reconsider your Mini Donkey tattoo.  Or at least it does for me.  Stupid permanent ink.

Carlos Quentin – Ozzie’s currently infatuated with De Aza and Viciedo, which is fine by me.  I’m not hatin’, I’m statement statin’.

BUY

David Murphy – He was nearly the lead for today’s Buy post.  That’s how much I like him.  You have to really strike a nerve about needing to be owned in every league to get the lead, but you have to come close to striking said nerve to almost be the lead.  Talk about the pinnacle of one’s career.  Put it on the back of your ball card, kid!  You almost made a Razzball lead!

Alex Presley – And he almost-almost made the lead!  Wow!  It’s raining praise like a church that mysteriously appears in the Bermuda Triangle! (<–Confusing comparison of the day!)

Alex Rios – He didn’t almost make any lead.  I kinda don’t even want Rios to do anything because I absolutely know it’s just going to cause people to come out of the woodwork next March asking about him. “Buh-buh-buh-but, Grey, sir, your almighty ‘stacheiness, Rios was good last September.  Big things in 2012, right?!”

Alejandro De Aza – Alejandro is hot like Mexico!  And just think, when he’s no longer worth owning, you can tell your friends you just did the Alejandrop.  Don’t get sad!  Imaginary friends work too!

Kosuke Fukudome – It’s the week of the hot outfielders, huh?  It reminds me of that week in 1993 when Jim Eisenreich was in the middle of a 7-for-12 stretch but Philly fans still wanted to throw batteries at him because he kept cursing at them.

Jon Jay – He has 2 homers and hitting .522 in the last week.  I got Federalisztomania!  What, no Phoenix fans?  You, “I thought French rock was a stale baguette.”  You’re such a snob!

Jason Kipnis – Nothing goes better with a bagel and cream cheese like Eli Whiteside.  But Kipnis is good for a nosh if you need a middle infielder.

Scott Sizemore – ESPN wrote something recently saying Sizemore could be a sleeper in 2012.  Way to take a stand!  Of course he’s going to be a sleeper.  The problem is the A’s need to move their fences in about 1.2 miles.  In all directions.  You could have a front row seat by 1st base and need binoculars.

Trevor Plouffe – His last name sounds like the sound a turd makes when it hits the toilet water.  Hehe.  Sorry, that’s juvenile.  But, seriously, he-effin’-he.  Um, so he’s been hot– Sorry, I have to move on.  His name’s just too ridiculous.

Juan Francisco – I spy with my little right eye a worthwhile add for right now in NL-Only leagues.  Since Rolen is following in Glass Chipper’s footsteps, I imagine Francisco will see the majority of the at-bats for the remainder of the season, which means he could become mixed league sexy.  Otherwise known as a swinger.

Dayan Viciedo – He’s done nothing but swing a hot bat since his call-up, so of course Ozzie benched him the other day.  Oh, Ozzie, you make me a little crazy.  *shaking fist at the sky* A little crazy!

Cliff Pennington – Has good speed and can teach you how to golf.

Dee Gordon – He’s good for steals.  Yadda³.  On a side note, I was thinking about how I can’t imagine Don Mattingly ever getting fired.  Maybe because I grew up in the tri-state area when he was a God, but I can’t picture any scenario where Mattingly is blamed for anything.  “Ooh, it’s Donnie Baseball, it’s his back’s fault the Yankees aren’t winning.”  The Dodgers will have to be folded into the Padres (and the Dodres still wouldn’t have a good offense) to get Mattingly out of his job.

Marco Scutaro – Hitting .476 in September and…Ugh, don’t make me say anything else nice about Scutaro.  He’s hot as of right now, that’s all I got.

Edwin Jackson – Hasn’t had a bad start in over a month…Which makes me think he’s gonna have one tonight because I just jinxed him.  Stupid superstitions.  Anyone see where I put my rabbit’s foot?

Bud Norris – BTW, I just went over borderline fantasy starters for the next week, and, really, this late in the season there’s no reason to look more than one week in advance in most leagues.

Bobby Parnell – Own unless you’re in a British ex-con league with a No-Bobby rule.

Kenley Jansen – Word out of the mean streets of sunny LA is Jansen or Guerra could be the closer next year.  So those in deep keeper leagues who are looking to stick someone on their team for cheap this year that could have huge value next year, grab Jansen.

Jason Motte – Member during the 2010 preseason when I said Motte should be the closer?  So I was a year and a half early.  Well, here’s the thing, I time travel so much I sometimes forget what year I’m in.  BTW, invest in AOL, they’re about to merge with Time-Warner.

SELL

Fernando Salas – I could see holding him in some leagues where you’re very desperate, but in most leagues you’re looking at a guy that might get a save or two or might be closing out the seventh inning.  I.e., I’d prefer the apple sauce instead of the misspelled Mexican sauce.

Brandon Morrow – His next start is against the Sawx, who just mollywhopped him for 8 earned, and the Jays might limit him since he’s above his career high in innings.  You guys had a good run.  Get his address and go hide in his garbage can with a Jiffy Pop container over your head so you can see anytime you want.

John Danks – Who’s more infuriating than this schmohawk?  A three hitter followed by an 8 earned run game.  There’s gotta be better matchup guys on waivers.  Move on, there’s nothing to see here.

Jair Jurrjens – He’s out until the playoffs.  That’s nice.  Later!

Grady Sizemore – I guarantee you, with his stats, if his name was Crappy McCrapstein, you wouldn’t own him.

Adam Lind – I hate to outright drop a guy capable of a four homer week, but it seems like his wrist is sore and his power looks zapped, and not zapped like that awesome early 80′s movie with Scott Baio.  I wonder if him and Willie Ames are still friends.  They were like peas and carrots.  I bet David Aardsma is glad that Willie Aames devoted his prodigious talent to acting instead of baseball so he can stay first in the baseball dictionary.

BUY

Jack Hannahan – Perennial Carson favorite hit three homers in two days this week and .420 (stoner!) in August.  Didn’t hurt that he brought his liger to the clubhouse to scare Lonnie Chisenhall.

Kyle Seager – Last week I suggested he was like Omar Infante.  We’ll call him Omar Little.

Omar Infante – Speaking of the devil.  He’s been relatively hot recently.  If your relative is hitting near .300 over the last week.

Luke Hughes – Has four homers in the last week.  Maybe you should pick him up.  That’s my Hughes clues.

Dee Gordon – Guess who’s back?!  Dee Gordon, man (and three girl readers).  C’mon, that was easy.  His name is in front of this blurb.  If you need speed, Dee Gordon’s like Jeff Gordon without the car.  I have no idea if that makes sense.  I don’t know Nascar.  I’m guessing there are cars though since it’s in the name.  It’s not Nasbicycle.

Cliff Pennington – Hitting near .400 over the last week and has three steals in the last five games.  Plus, if you have a category in your league for Players That Sound Like They Should Be Wearing Plaid Pants, Cliff Pennington wins you that category.

Jose Altuve – Through 154 ABs, he has 2 homers, 4 steals and he’s hitting .305.  So, of course, his ESPN ownership went down from 9% to 7.4% this week.  I’m guessing Craig Biggio owns 20,000 fantasy teams and is bitter.

Mike Trout – 4 homers and batting .400 since his recall.  He’s a bit green, Scioscia may not play him, which has me blue, but if you don’t add him, you’re yellow.  And that’s my rainbow Trout.

Brandon Allen – I was thinking to myself, “Grey, there’s no reason to mention Allen this week.  He must already be over 50% owned in ESPN.  Also, could you scratch your back?  I’m itchy.  Thanks!”  Turns out Allen is nowhere near 50% owned.

Austin Jackson – I’m not a fan of a leadoff hitter with a sub-.320 OBP.  Rickey Henderson says, “Rickey Henderson says amen!”  But Jackson is currently hot, hitting near .400 over the last week.

Leonys Martin – I just went over my Leonys Martin fantasy.  I wrote it while sipping a Mint Julep, wearing a big floppy hat.

Alejandro De Aza – This is a pretty tentative buy.  He has been hot, but I think that could end by the time I finish this sent–

David Murphy – He’s the type that is unownable for the better part of a season then becomes relevant.  I wouldn’t put Baby Boo-Boo’s college fund on it, but I think he’s about to go through one of those relevant stretches.

Jordan Schafer – I wouldn’t pick up Schafer outside of a NL-Only league.  I don’t like where he’s playing, not a huge fan of his but he does provide some speed and a bit of Zimmermania.

Brandon McCarthy – Last game, he K’d 10.  He hasn’t had one month over a 4.00 ERA all year.  As for his lousy record… Too many Urkels on his team, that’s why his wins low.

Javier Vazquez – Hey, I was burned by him too.  I get it.  But he’s been good for two months now.  Stop being a pill and pick him up.

Doug Fister – Usually the lack of Ks is a problem — a than but no thans, but over his last 21 2/3 IP he has 18 Ks.  So that’s an old issue of Fister’s Journal, which I do not subscribe to and would not Google.

Bobby Parnell – You know what the kids in Washington Park say about this part of the Buy section?  Coca, puff-puff, SAGNOF!

Sergio Romo – You can’t tell me the whole time he was growing out his beard it wasn’t some kind of All About Eve plot brewing behind the scenes.  Just happens that Wilson gets hurt and Romo jumps in to replace him and all the windyweather fans in San Fran are like, “Hey, our touristy beards we bought at the souvenir stand still work!”  Then again, Santiago Casilla, Jeremy Affeldt or Ramon Ramirez might get saves too.

Steve Cishek – I think he gets the most saves in Florida in September and Nunez has multiple meltdowns.  It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich.

Jesus Montero – I just went over my Jesus Montero fantasy.  I wrote it while wearing an orange jumper, picking up litter on the side of the highway.

SELL

Freddie Freeman – Had a heck of a season, if you’re the type to use a word like heck.  Almost sorta blasphemy!  Freeman has 18 homers through 5 months.  What’s that?  3.6 homers per month?  It’s worth taking a chance on a hot hitter; you’re not gonna miss out on much with Freeman.  And what on earth does sixth-tenths of a homer look like anyway?

Michael Cuddyer – Another guy who has 18 homers on the year, but this schmohawk is also dealing with a hurt wrist.  Ride or Cuddyer?  I’d ride.

David Freese – He has 8 homers in 266 ABs this year.  So, unless he gets 400 ABs in September, I’m thinking you can move on to a hot schmotato.

Nelson Cruz – This kinda goes for any player that is on the DL.  If you don’t have DL room, lose him and move on.

Alexi Ogando – You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can send him a postcard.  But get him off your team.

Tommy Hanson – Mmmdrop.

Mitch Moreland – Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia!  Mamma mia, let him go!

BUY

Kyle Seager – The other day I compared him to Omar Infante.  I’ll see that comparison and raise him Martin Prado.  Personally, I don’t like guys like Infante or Prado outside of NL-Only leagues, but I also don’t like people who write personally either, so there’s that.  I’m a contradiction wrapped inside of lazy writing pitfalls.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Picking up Kouzmanoff leaves a fantasy baseballer (<–my Mom’s term) in a spirited debate with themselves over God, free will, morality and why there aren’t any other 3rd basemen to pick up.

Jose Lopez – Hitting .333 over the last week with 2 homers.  This week’s third basemen pickups remind me of the Bottle Rockets song, “1000 Dollar Car.”  To quote, “If a $1000 car was truly worth a damn, then why would anybody ever spend ten grand?”

Danny Valencia – Hitting .333 over the last week with 2 homers.  Hmm… Just had deja vu.  Weird.

Jimmy Paredes – Leave it to the Astros to promote a guy straight from Double-A who wasn’t even playing that well.  But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — he’s hitting right now, has speed and good position eligibility.

Eric Young Jr. – I’m unabashedly a fan, if I’m using the word unabashedly right.

Jeremonio Affirezo – That’s a portmanteau of Jeremy Affeldt, Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla and Ramon Ramirez, i.e. the closerousel in San Fran.  Ram-Ram seemed like the first choice, but he didn’t look good on Wednesday and Casilla got the save.  But II, The Return of But, Romo returns this weekend.  But III, This But Is Gonna Be Huge, Affeldt could see saves if the ninth is mostly lefties.

Bobby Parnell – He’s getting saves for the Mets and he can win you a SpongeBob at a carnival with his 102 MPH fastball.

Steve Cishek – I just went over my Cishek fantasy.  I wrote it while eating the marshmallows out of my Lucky Charms.

Mike Minor – Has 52 Ks in 55 2/3 IP! *whispering fast*  With a 1.49 WHIP and 4.37 ERA.  *loud again*  Next he gets the Mets and the Dodgers.  Not in the same start.  Who is he, Joel Youngblood?

Stephen Strasburg – Set to return on September 6th.  Don’t Washington-area seismologists have enough to do?

Brandon Allen – After his two homer game, Bob Melvin said Allen would be the starter for the foreseeable future.  As long as his foreseeable replacement is Conor Jackson, Allen should play.  Sorry, CoJack, I don’t love you, baby.

John Mayberry Jr. – Charlie Manuel hinted that Mayberry could see everyday playing time even after Ibanez returns, saying, “Time comes when tadpoles gotta frog up.  Now where’s Utley’s pomade?  I gotta slide outta my uniform.”

Lucas Duda – Since August 14th, he has 4 homers.  Terry Collins knows when he’s got a good thing.  Like at 3rd base and shortstop when Reyes returns.  Duda’s a 20 homer guy if he plays all year.  Kinda like a poor man’s Willingham.  Or a Willingspam.

SELL

Gaby Sanchez – No Gaby Gaby!

Trevor Cahill – Has a 7.00 ERA post-All-Star break.  I’m thinking you can probably find that off waivers from someone else.  It’s a hunch, ya’ll!

Bobby Abreu – He’s over 60% owned in ESPN leagues, so he made my imaginary self-imposed cut off that I occasionally ignore.  What good is an imaginary self-imposed cut off that isn’t self-imposed?  Nada, nada, nada damn thing.

Justin Morneau – Right now, it’s kinda sad the way you keep going back to him.  The relationship is hurting both of you.  It reminds me of a line from my upcoming, breakout Middle East rap song, “Why can’t we get together and take it easy… I’ll be your Qaddafi, if you’ll be my Condoleezza.”

BUY

Ramon Ramirez – What do you get when you mix a Horacio Ramirez (Hor-Ram) and an Asdrubal Cabrera (As-Cab)? A Man-Ram Ram-Ram — heyo!  Casilla could see saves, and Affeldt, and Ram-Ram.  Basically, anyone in the Giants bullpen may see saves.  I’d grab Ram-Ram first, only because he’s already got a save in Wilson’s stead.

Rafael Betancourt – He’s the closer right now.  If that’s the kind of thing that gets your goat, bleat bleat.

Chris Sale – The White Sox want to move Sale into a starting role next year, so, of course, Ozzie sends him out for some saves.  Santos is still their closer, but Sale will see some saves, depending on how long the time is between his blinks.

Bobby Parnell – He’s the closer in Metco because Izzy reached the who-knew-it-was-coveted 300 save plateau.

Frank Francisco – All SAGNOF, all the time today, huh?

Stephen Strasburg – I just wrote my Strasburg fantasy.  I wrote it while doing a body shot off your sister.  She likes mustaches.  Blame her.

Randy Wolf – I almost left the Wolfman off the list because I have so little faith in him.  He seems as likely to go eight innings in his start tomorrow vs. the Mets as he does going five innings and giving up four runs.

Wade Miley – In Triple-A, he had a 3.64 ERA and 56 Ks in 54 1/3 IP.  Yawn, Grey.  How about Miley sigh…Bust?  I understand, Random Italicized Voice, it doesn’t look good but that was in the hitter-friendly PCL.  Where the baseballs are made of helium?  Yes, I’d grab Miley in NL-Only leagues and watch in mixed.

Jesus Montero – What is that you’re feeding your horse, Apollo?  Hay, Zeus.  At some point, Montero is going to get called up and be a huge letdown because of all his freakin’ build up.  Should just start calling him The Phantom Menace.

Brandon Belt – He hit two homers the first day after his recall, since then it looks like he should be recalled in the other sense of the word.  He still has great promise for a better tomorrow.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Elect Grey Albright for Public Office and Stop Whoever Keeps Vandalizing the L Out of the Word Public.

Lucas Duda – In the last seven Duda Duda days, he has two homers while batting .292.

Brandon Allen – The man who sounds like a furniture store has been hitting with the A’s and playing every day sofa, but to couch my comments I’m not sure it’ll continue.

Johnny Giavotella – Playing 2nd base for the peasant Royals and running like crazy, and by crazy I mean not always successfully.  Fist pump!

Jimmy Paredes – Speaking of middle infidels that can get you steals, Paredes had 29 steals in Double-A (with a yawnstipating caught stealing percentage, but whatever).  He’s playing 3rd every day for the Astros.  Welcome to the Dominican Republican Paredes, My Chemical Romance.

Darwin Barney – The Purple Evolutionist is hitting again as he did in the beginning of the season when he gave a little bit of everything except power and speed.

Ryan Raburn – “He’s hitting so much…”  Match Game audience response, “How much is he hitting?”  He’s actually hitting, that’s how much.  Remind me next year that Raburn’s big 2nd half isn’t a sign that a big 1st half in 2012 is coming.

Delmon Young – The other day I went over my Delmon Young fantasy.  I wrote it while applying deodorant in an Arby’s bathroom.

Peter Bourjos – If you were to hold Tabata and Bourjos’s season stats next to each other, it would be like Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill, which looks like it might be the worst comedy ever made by a non-Wayan.

Jose Tabata – See 1/8th of an inch above.

Garrett Jones – 41/14/46/.247/5 is his line so far this year.  That’s the line that, uh, draws the line between serviceable in NL-Only and mixed leagues.

Ben Revere – He has 21 steals so far this year and he’s hitting leadoff every day for the Twins, who need to run.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see Revere get to 35 steals by the end of the year.  The steals are coming, the steals are coming!

Nate Schierholtz – He’s currently hitting, but, and maybe this is just me, on teams where I own Schierholtz, I have a hard time looking at my team with the lights on.

SELL

Michael Pineda - I love Ks as much as the next guy, potentially more, but at some point you gotta stop the bleeding.  Pineda’s ERA in July was 6.75 and it’s 6.55 in August.  He’s young, wearing down, yadda³.  We’ll grab him again next year, don’t worry.

Carlos Beltran – People are dropping Beltran like Pat Burrell drops flies, and I understand it.  Aging vet, bad ballpark and now has a hand injury.  Even when he returns, I don’t have much hope for him.

Jason Kubel – Frankly, no relation to Cliff, Kubel isn’t that exciting when he’s hitting, and he has not been hitting anything the whole season.  Kinda like the entire Twins offense.

Jason Bay – He has 9 homers, 10 steals and a .239 average on the year.  Now I want you to look deep in your soul to answer this next question, would you own him if his name was Crappy McCrapstein?

Todd Helton – We’re cleaning out your father’s fantasy team’s closets today, huh?  To preemptively answer your question, I’d go with Carp over Helton.  And Morneau (and we know how much I like him).  And Moreland.  And Jesus Guzman.  Okay, I’d go with a lot of guys over Helton.  If you think I’m crazy, you may want to check to make sure you’re not watching Sportscenter on ESPN Classic.

BUY

Casey Kotchman – Which of these statements is false:  1) He’s hitting .337. 2) He had mononucleosis for two years because the Angels Rally Monkey used his toothbrush.  3) He considered legally changing his first name to I’mplaying1stbasey.

Mike Carp – Just went over my Mike Carp fantasy.  I wrote it while wearing giant gold sunglasses like Pitbull.

J.D. Martinez – He went from a lukewarm buy to a must have in less than a week.  He could revert back to a lukewarm buy by (stutterer!) next week.

Brandon McCarthy – Has a 3.31 ERA, 1.17 WHIP and a 74:16 K:BB rate.  McCarthy’s taking on every team this year like they’re the Reds.  Hopefully he keeps it up tonight vs. the Rangers and doesn’t leave his initials on the mound.

Dontrelle Willis – For a long time his career looked as promising as the person who told Jordan a Hitler mustache was the way to go.  His ERA looks the best its looked in years, but better still is he’s keeping his BBs in check better than Ralphie.

Jake Peavy – He’s looked good the last four times out.  If you had him for those starts, take a lap around your computer, cheering yourself.  You deserve it.

Rafael Furcal – Nothing says fresh blood infused into your fantasy team’s veins like an oldie-timer.

Eric Young Jr. – I ran into Eric Young Sr. and Eric Young Jr. Jr. at a Carl’s Jr. the other day and they agreed that the only thing that’s stopping Eric Young Jr. from stealing 60 bases a year is playing time.  Then they began to argue over the real star of the duo, Junior Senior.

Jose Altuve – Has hit in ten of his last twelve games while batting .330 since his call up and is owned in 1.5% of ESPN leagues.  Jed Lowrie, who has one good week every year or so, is owned in 13.4% of ESPN leagues.  Then again ESPN dedicates five hour programming blocks to the Sawx so I guess it makes sense.

Johnny Giavotella – Could have some speed, power and abbreviate his last name as GTL.  I’ll cop to picking up Giavotella in one league.  Hey, if you can’t beat ‘em or file a restraining order…

Yuniesky Betancourt – Hitting over .400 in the last week with a homer and a steal.  Not a long term add but hot schmotatoes rarely are.

Jose Constanza – His name translates to Joe With Poem so here’s one in his honor.  Constanza is playing over Jason Heyward/Leaving a hole in my outfield the size of a fjord/Now I’m blahtooning Eric Young and Peter Bourjos/What rhymes with that? Orange juice?

Jesus Montero – Will be called up shortly and hit 2 to 4 homers while collecting 9 to 13 RBIs; I can hardly wait!

Rafael Betancourt – He can be found in the definition of Cuddle Boy, but that shouldn’t stop you from handcuffing Huston Street who once pulled a hamstring from around a candied ham and strained his elbow.

Vinnie Pestano – If Chris Perez blows one more game in horrific fashion, Pestano will be the closer.  If Perez blows two more games in less than horrific fashion, Pestano will take over.  If Perez just shows up at the game wearing a mismatched outfit, he should be fine.

SELL

Vernon Wells – If you think Vernon Wells has another month and a half of productivity in his bat, then the Blue Jays GM Alex Snuffaluffagus has a bridge in Kansas to sell you.

Derrek Lee - Has a team ever traded for someone then put him on waivers within a few weeks?  I don’t know, but Derrek Lee or Ryan Ludwick might be the first ones.  Pirates spokesman, “Listen, we were never really in the running and now we’re really not in the running… Anyone wanna take these schmohawks off our hands?  How about Ryan Doumit?  How about Dyan Roumit?  How about a catcher to be named later?”  Sure, Lee is wily with grit, but put grit and wily into Google and you get “Did you mean John McCain?” and he can’t play baseball.

Carlos Lee - Sticking with the old Lee theme, if you have Chuck Lee, stop fighting the power and shut him down.

Jason Heyward – I wouldn’t drop him in keeper leagues or leagues 12 team or deeper.  In those leagues, I’d walk into traffic wearing a burlap sack muttering about how Heyward betrayed you.  But in shallow redraft leagues, it’s time to move on.  What’s the best he can give you in a month-plus?  6 homers?  Rick Ankiel called and said he’d give you that, but not to call him back and his number is unlisted.

BUY

Derek Holland – I’m not a huge fan of borderline Ranger starters.  Sorry, Nolan.  Their home park is Coors South.  Seems like at any moment Holland could give up seven earned runs in two-thirds of an inning.  Now that I’ve undersold (underbought?) him, he does have three shutouts in his last five starts.

Brett Cecil – Member what I said earlier today?  Actually, I’m writing this before I said anything, but I’m sure I’ll say something.  I always do.  Oh, Grey.

Ivan Nova – 5 IP, 1 ER or 6 IP, 4 ER.  That would be my exacta box if I had to choose Nova’s next start.

James McDonald – I almost called him James McStreamer.  He’s been solid for the last two months, besides a start in Citizens Flank and yesterday.  Can’t hold that against him; a lot better pitchers have been hit hard in Philly and yesterday’s start was four earned on four hits, that’s just mistimed big hits.

Alex Cobb – The Tampa Bay Peach has an ERA of 2.79, a WHIP of 1.20 and he gets those not-so-Athletics tomorrow.  Yes, please and why not?

Charlie Furbush – Then after you pick him up you can cheer him on, “I love Furbush!” and your significant other can overhear and misunderstand you like in an O. Henry story and throw out her razors.

Jason Kipnis – Nothing says nourishing like some homers from Kipnis and a side of stuffed derma.

Brett Lawrie – Hope you didn’t miss out on him to the guy in your league that owns Desmond Jennings.  People will point and laugh at you.  Can you handle that sort of ridicule?

Chris Davis – It’s easy to look past his three years of failed hitting…Actually, it’s not easy to look past it.  His grandmother Ann B. Davis would be very disappointed, and she’s fun-loving and carefree.  If you’re really struggling at a corner slot, you could do worse (though not much, potentially).

Eric Young Jr. – Playing and stealing… Because he can! (And Tracy’s playing him and he’s fast.)

Eduardo Nunez – In one of my deepish leagues, someone dropped Eduardo Nunez.  On one hand, I understand it.  He’s not doing all that much.  Then on the other hand, he can slot in at MI and steal bases.  Then on the the third lesser known hand that is actually just a big ear, you should probably play the hot hand… Wait, another hand?  Now I’m confused.

Rafael Furcal – Member when he was good?  Yeah, I faintly do too.  Was a while ago.  He looks like he’s hitting now between DL stints, so it’s worth a flyer.

Dee Gordon – See Eric Young Jr. or an inch above.

Josh Willingham – The other white meat is hot with a side order of hot schmotato.

J.D. Martinez – The only thing standing between you and J.D. Martinez is the common sense that says don’t pick up an Astros hitter.  I get it, but in some deep NL-Only leagues you have no choice.

Mike Carp – He keeps hitting but without power because he plays in one of those godforsaken ballparks that end in -co.  We’ve cleaned baseball of steroids… Now move the fences in 100 feet!  I miss 70 homer seasons.  (Yet, no one thought it was weird at the time.  70 homers?!)

Lucas Duda – If I keep touting him, people are gonna start to think I really like this schmohawk.  I mean, he’s a’ight.  The preceding was taught in Hedging Your Fantasy Advice 101 at the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston.  You, “This guy is a fraud.  I’ve done Google searches and the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston appears nowhere except on this site.  I tried Bing and it doesn’t show up there either.  What gives, Grey?  This isn’t a ruse, is it?  I can’t handle ruses.”

SELL

Danny Espinosa – I’ll be honest, I hate doing these Sells.  The Buys either hit or they don’t and you drop them.  The Sells require you to drop them, then they get hot out of nowhere and you end up sending me anthrax.  With that said, Espinosa’s doing a whole lot of nothing.  He’s dug himself a hole — and I mean a hole literally and figuratively — and the best I see from him is maybe 6 more homers, a few steals and a lousy average.  You can probably find that elsewhere, unless your league is so deep you can’t.  These are decisions for you to make.  Or not.

Rajai Davis – In most leagues, you want someone who is going to steal bases AND (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) play every day.  Right now, Davis is on the outside looking in on a Jays lineup that is filled with one outfielder, two 3rd basemen and six DHs.

Jordan Zimmermann – I told you to trade him a little over a month ago. Now you’re lucky to get the Padres top prospect, Nadir Bupkis.

Anibal Sanchez – Has nearly a 5.00 ERA in the last month and a half.  BTW, you think Anibal and Gaby Sanchez ever double date with two girls named Kevin and Bob?

Juan Pierre – Has 4 steals in the last two months.  Or one less than Eric Young Jr. in the last week.  Since we started this post with a nod to Kanye, let’s end it the same way, “You’ve been putting up for Alex Rios for way too long…. Kenny Williams is so gifted at findin’ what you don’t like the most…  So I think it’s time for us to have a toast… Let’s have a toast for Juan Pierre who stopped stealing bags… Let’s have a toast for Adam Dunn who’s in an o-for-78 hole… Let’s have a toast for Alex Rios who raised the white flag… Let’s have a toast for Gordon Beckham who didn’t have the decency to take a day off…”

BUY

Hideki Matsui – Hello, time travelers from 2004.  You are not in 2004 anymore.  You are in 2011.  Hideki Matsui is just hitting again.  Though that is not Madonna on your radio, that is Lady Gaga.

Alejandro De Aza – Speaking of Lady Gaga, it’s Alejandro who’s not hot like Mexico.  He’s hot like a bagel that was toasted 15 minutes ago.  He could steal some bases like a motivated Alex Rios once did, that’s about it.

Collin Cowgill – I just went over my Cowgill fantasy.  I wrote it while picking through my garbage for my accidentally discarded contact lens.

Lucas Duda – It’s nice to have all the buys in one place, right?  I mean you guys (and three girls) do realize I go over just about all of these players all week long.  Just the other day, I was blabbering about how it’s Duda’s day and we’re off to the camptown races.  Duda, Duda, day!  Duda, Duda, day!  Duda, Duda, day!  Duda– Sorry, record was skipping.

Jason Bourgeois – Could be the best steals guy since Alex Sanchez stole 52 bases with nothing but a pair of used Keds and steroids.  He’s a must own as long as he’s starting – though Jason resents the implication that ‘owning’ him means he’s part of the proletariat.  You’ve been Marxed!

Jon Jay – From Bourgeois to a revolutionary diplomat, bring down the wall…between you and the light-hitting outfielders and Putin Jay!

Josh Reddick – Right now, he’s hitting like he’s getting tips directly from Ted Williams’ frozen head.  “I’m so cold, I think I see dead people.”  That’s a worker at a cryogenic lab getting a laugh from his co-workers.  Are we having a laugh?

Dexter Fowler – Hitting near .400 in the last week.  Why won’t you pick up Fowler?  Chicken?

Eduardo Nunez – Five steals in the last week.  It’s as simple as 1, 2, SAGNOF!

Jason Kipnis – Has started 3 times since he’s been called up and done a whole lot of nothing.  Call it a career!  He’s done!  Or maybe you give him a few more days.  You’re so reactionary, but that’s also why we get along so well.  Or is it?

Yonder Alonso – I just went over my Yonder Alonso fantasy.  I write it while being screamed at by Wally Backman.

Derrek Lee – Hello again, 2004 time traveler!  Don’t adjust your calender.  Derrek Lee is simply hitting again.  Oh, and we no longer refer to Lindsay Lohan as a star or Brittany Murphy as alive.

Edwin Jackson – Back in the league where he’s had little to no success, he’s bound to either prove us wrong or right.  Really, is there any other way?

Jeff Niemann – I told you to grab him last week.  You didn’t tune me out, did you?  I hate when you do that.  Maybe we should see other people.  I hear fantasy baseball (fill-in word for expert) dot com just broke up with their significant other.

James McDonald – Him and Maholm should think about why they’re so available in fantasy leagues.  It just seems, I don’t know, desperate.

Mike Adams – Grab him for potential saves and, if you also own Jon Jay, you can change your team name to The Waiver Wire Fore-Fodders.

Octavio Dotel – Salas has been fine in the closer job, but two hiccups and one mention of how much he liked Rasmus and Dotel could see looks.

Matt Lindstrom – Another totally speculative pick up in case of a trade.  Do I really think Huston Street gets traded?  No, probably not, but you just need to hold Lindstrom until Monday, then drop him if there’s no movement.  Hehe, I said movement.  Also, I could’ve put Bobby Parnell here.  Hey, look, I just did!

Edward Mujica – Looking more and more (and more?) like Nunez isn’t going to be traded, but, just in case, why not grab Mujica?  And instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

SELL

Ian Stewart – Consider Chris Davis here too.  These guys owe me at least five hours of my life back for the amount of times I’ve picked up and dropped them.  To think I once christened Stewart with the Mini-Mini Donkey nickname.  You, sir, are no donkey.  Mini-Mini or otherwise.

Ryan Roberts – This drop is more for mixed leagues.  You and Roberts had a good run.  You originally thought you were drafting Brian Roberts and it turned out much better than you could’ve ever expected.  Now it’s time to move on.

Alfonso Soriano – Member back in April when I kept telling you how good he was?  Because he’s good in April.  We’re pretty far removed from then.  Right now at the plate, Gordon Shumway Soriano looks like he’s on the wrong planet.

Ian Desmond – Alas, he never got on track this year.  Has 3 homers and a .220-something average.  Steals or no steals, that’s p to the athetic.  To be clear, when I wear my flowery doily dress that I nicknamed my Desmond tutu, it’s for Jennings.

BUY

Phil Hughes – Actually pretty surprised all that Noo Yawk hype hasn’t raised Hughes over the 50% ownership mark.  Ya’ll must be still basking in your dirty water dogs and Jeter’s 3,000 hit.  “During Jeter’s tremendous accomplishment, when no one was looking, I chipped off a piece of the Pesci pole.  Now it’s framed above the coke spoon I used with Dale Berra.”

James McDonald – Some smarter-than-thou commenter pointed out to me that McDonald has 23 Ks in his last 24 1/3 innings while lowering his ERA from 4.86 to 4.15 in the last month.  We have the best commenters (except Lance Berkman; he only wants to talk about himself).

Brandon Belt – Just went over my Brandon Belt fantasy.  I wrote it while contemplating the meaning of life and eating Cheetos.

Edwin Encarnacion – His hot hitting — or hotting, if you enjoy portmanteaus — has my heart stopped…. captured…. arrested… It’s a case of Edwin Incarceration.

Michael Martinez – Since I’ve been talking about the smooth stylings of Michael Martinez and his speed, his ESPN ownership has gone up from 0.1% to 1.3%.  Razzball — we’re the one-point-two percenters!

Jose Altuve – His speed/power combo and five-four frame makes me feel like I’m the only mustached girl in the world.

Jason Kipnis – He was in this morning’s post.  If you scroll down real fast, you can still catch it.

Carlos Guillen – You wouldn’t be as cruel to make me come up with something positive to say about Guillen.  He’s healthy and hitting, let’s leave it at that.

Ezequiel Carerra – Has crazy speed, but he may not have a job for long.  Better grab him before his rumspringa is over.

Lorenzo Cain – Warm it up, Cain — he’s about to!  Or is he?  No, he is.  He should be promoted shortly.  If you don’t know how I feel about Cain, welcome to the site.  Can I offer you some tea?  Crumpets?  On the right side there are ads, on the left there is archives.  Allow me to search for you, “(Cain) has 20+ steal speed and some light pop (over the course of a season).  Worst case scenario, he’s unownable and while you’re dropping him to waivers you throw out your back and end up in traction.”  And that’s me quoting and adding addendums to me!

Kyle Blanks – Just went over my Kyle Blanks fantasy.  I wrote it while in line for cucumbers at Souplanation.

Jarrod Saltamalacchia – The nicest thing I can say about Saltymochachino is he’s currently hitting.  The worst thing I can say is he kicks puppies.  The former is substantiated, the latter is not.

Edward Mujica – I said on Tuesday that I thought Mujica would be the Marlins closer, then Jack McKeon read that and said the same thing.  Hey, I see eye-to-eye with an 112-year-old!  “Bleh, that big band music is big noise!  Give me some Yankee Doodle Dandy!”

Javy Guerra – He’s the Dodgers closer…  You, “Buh-buh-buh-but Grey, what about Broxton?”  The guy who hasn’t pitched effectively in over a year?  Nope.  You, “Buh-buh-buh-but Grey, what about Kuo?”  The guy who started walking around the clubhouse in a burlap sack because he went crackers?  Nope.

Jason Isringhausen – I’d still continue to hold Bobby Parnell, in the non-sexual way. Unless he’s giving you bedroom eyes, then make him feel welcome on your team.

Antonio Bastardo – Right this very instant he’s the Phils closer, but he might not be by the time you finish this sent–

SELL

Jason Bay – Since we’re in the time of the year where you need to be trading away players no matter who they are if you need pieces for your team, the Sell is going to be more of a Drop, but it’s going to keep its Sell name because it already has monogrammed towels.  As for Bay, he’s the conductor on the suckwagon.  Find someone else.

Matt Capps – You guys had some good times, if you define ‘good’ by a lousy ERA and some saves, but, in most leagues, it’s time to move on.

Colby Rasmus – Deep leagues need to be more prudent about who they drop, assuming I’m using the word prudent correctly.  Rasmus is hitting like he’s Jon Jay’s agent trying to get him a bigger contract.

Alex Rios – Member when you drafted him in March?  You were so happy with yourself.  Now you blame him for his poor hitting.  When do you blame yourself?  Your fantasy loyalty to him was too much pressure.

Bobby Abreu – He’s hitting one-something in the last month.  Listen, you’ll always have the summers on the Cape with his brothers, Jack and Teddy Abreu.

CC Sabathia – 1.56 ERA in 2008′s 2nd half to lead the league for pitchers over 60 innings.  He was ranked 7th for 2nd half ERA in 2007 with a 2.76.  In 2009, Chubb rock’d a 2.74 ERA, the 9th best in the majors.  Though last year his ERA went up a smidge in the 2nd half to 3.29.  Though, Part II: The Return of Though, that was better than his 3.52 career ERA. Though, Part III: Though Lives, all those innings on his arm could catch up to him. Though, Part IV: Though Part Three Confused Me, the innings have shown no sign of catching up to him, why would they suddenly?  Though, Part V: Why Do They Keep Making Thoughs?

Roy Oswalt – Except for 2009, he’s had great 2nd halfs… Yet, I worry about his injury this year.  And that yet needs a crane to get out of bed.

Wandy Rodriguez – Since 2008, his post-All-Star break ERA is 3.80.  2nd half ERA is 2.86.  Though he wasn’t good at all going into the All-Star break.  Damn, those thoughs (stutterer!).

Clay Buchholz – Had a 2.20 ERA in the 2nd half last year.  Though (again!) with his injury, I’d proceed cautiously.  You, not him.

Bronson Arroyo – I’d prefer to listen to him cover Sarah McLachlan at the latest incarnation of Lilith Fair than own him in the 1st half of a season, but every year Guitar Arroyo is better in the 2nd half.  Over the last three years, his ERA is almost 2 runs lower (5.08 to 3.09).

Scott Baker – Man (or two lady readers), is everyone that is usually good in the 2nd half coming off of injury currently injured?  It’s kinda rhetorical, so, ya know, no need to answer.  I wouldn’t rush out and trade for Baker, but he is only supposed to miss one more start.

Carlos Zambrano – I hate when I do these posts and it doesn’t work out the way I envision it.  Big Z was great last year (1.58 ERA), but he’s all over the place from minute-to-minute, let alone year-to-year.  He wasn’t good in his last start and, if he showed at Wrigley wearing a Gatorade cooler as a barrel dress and Michael Barrett’s head on the end of a tiki torch, it would surprise no one.

BUY

Bobby Parnell – It’s all SAGNOF, all the time today, huh?  Hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich and put the SAGNOF between your knees.

Jason Isringhausen – Between Parnell and Izzy, I like Parnell.  Okay, that’s a lie.  I like whoever the Mets want to use in the ninth.  But I like Parnell to be used in the ninth more.

Jon Rauch – Him and his neck tattoo will shank you with saves.

Sean Marshall – I originally thought if Marmol gets replaced Wood would (stutterer!) take over over (stop stuttering!) Marshall, but Quade says Marshall, so that’s the guy to grab.  I also don’t think Marmol loses the job for long.  Maybe a few days to a week.

Javy Guerra – Only owned in 18% of ESPN leagues, but 85% of ESPN leagues are abandoned so I guess he’s owned in 103% of leagues.  Sounds a little high.

Paul Maholm – Has a 2.96 ERA, a 1.18 WHIP and you’re standing there with your hands in your pants playing pocket bocci ball.

Vance Worley – A tub of Liquid Paper is about to fall on his stats for some correction, but while he’s pitching well on a good team, as Fonzie’s horse said, what the hey?

Aaron Harang – Good for home starts and if your league has the category, “Ugly.”

Cory Luebke – Has an ERA of 2.57 and a WHIP of 0.89.  Geez, Officer Luebke, an ERA and WHIP like that?!

Mike Trout – Don’t have much faith in the Los Angeles Angels of Orange County Which Could Become A Different State From Los Angeles playing Trout once Bourjos returns, but I’d hold him to see how it pans out.

Nate Schierholtz – Every dawn has its day, every rose has its thorn and every year Schierholtz gets hot for about two weeks at a time.

Jose Tabata – Does he realize that the B in SB stands for base, not baby?  Maybe, maybe not.  Any the hoo!  He should be back any day now, Annie Potts.  I’d grab him in all but the shallowest leagues.  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  He goes 0-for-35 and steals your baby?  Big whoop!

Brandon Allen – Just went over my Brandon Allen fantasy.  I wrote it while manscaping.  Don’t judge me.

Scott Sizemore – With Grady being yawnstipating, Scott is about the only Sizemore doing anything, unless you count Tom Sizemore doing coke.

Jason Kipnis – Before we starting reaching around on each other that we picked up Kipnis first, what current rookie call up has made a difference on your team if you’re in a league shallower than 14 teams?  I like Kipnis for some light speed and power and decent average.  In two months, he could give you 7/7.  Get one more seven and you’ll have a jackpot in Reno, not so much in fantasy baseball.

Zack Cozart – I gave you my Zack Cozart fantasy last week.  I wrote it while playing craps with Pete Rose.

Eduardo Nunez – Maybe Nunez, the Yankees super-sub, can have A-Rod get Boras on the horn to see if Nunez can get some endorsements while he’s filling in for the next month.  “Bronx Subway’s Super-sub is a steal!”  That’s Eduardo Nunez badly reading a cue card in a local commercial.  BTW, what smells worse — New York subways or a Subway restaurant?

SELL

Shaun Marcum – We had high hopes for Marcum this year, didn’t we?  Well, I did.  Member in January when I had rented that biplane and wrote Marcum in a heart in the sky?  We found out two things that day 1) I loved Marcum 2) I look good in aviator goggles.  He didn’t fully disappoint.  7 wins, 3.39/1.13/101 Ks in the 1st half is nothing to sneeze at unless you’re allergic to productive #2 fantasy starters.  The problem moving forward is I think he’s still hurt.  He’s a man’s man that eats grizzly bear steaks and wears their dead grizzly heads for a hat, so I think he’s going to try to pitch through the pain and be less effective.  I wouldn’t trade him for a Billy Butler-endorsed manssiere, but I’d explore options.

Johnny Cueto – He has a 1.96 ERA and a 1.00 WHIP.  His K-rate is 5.44 and his walk rate is 2.83.  Another temporarily unnamed pitcher has a K-rate of 5.35 and a walk rate of 2.83.  That’s Fausto Carmona and his ERA is 5.78.  Obviously they’re not the same pitcher unless they urinated in a fountain while making a wish.  Cueto’s BABIP is .218 and he’s leaving more than 80% of men on base.  A pimply teenager runs into frame and screams, “Watch out!  Johnny Cueto is gonna fall back to earth!”  I’ve said that before, but everything in Hollywood needs a sequel.

Derrek Lee – Last year, he played the 2nd half like he was walking onto a yacht with an apricot scarf.  In 2009, .336 with 18 homers.  Last year, .298 with 9 homers compared to a .233 average in the 1st half.  I still don’t really like Derrek Lee compared to a lot of names, but he’ll come a lot cheaper than most.

Matt Holliday – Hit 24 homers in 263 ABs in the 2007 2nd half, 16 homers in 2008 and 16 in 2009, while also having the 6th best average in the majors.  Last year, he hit .327 in the 2nd half compared to .300, though his homers went down by 4 (16 to 12).  Holliday’s on holiday in the 1st half and Holliday’s Holliday in the 2nd half.  Any questions?  Yeah, what are you talking about?  Not now, random italicized voice.

Joe Mauer – Not completely contingent on the fact that he can’t be worse.  Partly?  Sure.  But not completely.

Ryan Raburn – Mr. Al Caps, “NOOOOOOO!  PLEASE DON’T GET ME EXCITED ABOUT THIS GUY AGAIN!  I ALREADY HAVE A BAD TICKER!”  I know, friend.  “DO YOU?!”  Yes.  “OKAY.” In 2009, Raburn hit 10 homers and .310 in the 2nd half.  In 2010, he hit 13 homers and .315 compared to 2 homers and .208 in the 1st half.  If he hits well this 2nd half, at least we’ll know not to pay attention to it in March of 2012.

Raul Ibanez – Well, there’s an exciting name.  Maybe I can point out Omar Infante next.  Ibanez has already started to get hot moving into the 2nd half…Yeah, I’m still not excited.

Jay Bruce – Was better in average and homers in the 2nd half of 2010, better in average in 2009 but an injury cut it short and he was better in homers in 2008 but that could’ve been him just finding his footing.  So, in other words, he’s not definitely better in the 2nd half, but if he does it this year, he’ll have a huge year and be a 2nd round draft pick next year.

Drew Stubbs – Solid in the 2nd half of 2010.  With only last year to look at, Stubbs doesn’t have a huge sample size to go on, but that never stopped my ex-girlfriends either.

Alexei Ramirez – Was much better in 2008, not better in 2009 and slightly better in 2010, so that leads us to maybe he’ll be better in 2011.  How’s that for clearing everything up?

Billy Butler – From 2008 to 2010, he has 883 1st half ABs and 19 homers.  In 763 2nd half ABs, he has 28 homers.  So he goes from a homer every 47th at-bat to every 27th at-bat.  Or from a light-hitting middle infielder to light-hitting middle infielder with moobs.  (BTW, Was sad to see the All-Star festivities couldn’t work in a wet t-shirt contest with Billy Butler and Pablo Sandoval.  Like that wouldn’t be more entertaining than Nick Jonas playing softball.)

Mark Teixeira – What would a list of post-All-Star break hitters be without Mark Teixeira?  Nada, nada, nada damn thing…

1. Miguel Cabrera – I originally put Miggy number one overall in the preseason, then I backed down when Miggy decided to do jello shots while operating heavy machinery.  “I’m allergic to green Jell-O…Unless it’s followed by seven shots of tequila!”  Who knew he had such allergies?  2011 2nd half projections:  45/16/60/.330

2. Ryan Braun – In the 2nd half, The Hebrew Hammer does work at the plate on every day but Yom Kippur.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/14/45/.310/7

3. Matt Kemp – Looks like one of those years where he’s on a mission to prove his worth.  He’s like Bruce Willis when Bruce Willis was cool and not Ashton Kutcher’s stepdad, or whatever their relation is.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/14/50/.290/15

4. Albert Pujols – I put his 2nd half projections a tad higher than Miguel Cabrera’s but I ranked him a tad lower because the injury has me tentative.  I still have as much love for Pujols as any straight man can.  2011 2nd half projections: 40/17/60/.330/3

5. Jose Bautista – I thought he was a one hit wonder last year, but it turned out he was like The Beastie Boys.  They burst on the scene with Fight For Your Right To Party and it seemed like they were a one hit wonder, but they ended up making music for more than 20 years.  That’s Bautista.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/18/50/.280/3

6. Adrian Gonzalez – There’s some signs pointing to a slight drop off for A-Gon in the 2nd half, but then you look at the lineup and ballpark he’s in and those signs go out the window.  Imagine saying that about him last year.  Imagine it!  You can’t.  You, “Mind blown.”  2011 2nd half projections:  50/16/60/.290

7. Mark Teixeira – I drink your PABST (Post-All-Star Break Stats from Te(i)x).  I drink it up!  2011 2nd half projections:  45/15/55/.300

8. Joey Votto – I actually had Votto ranked as low as 25th at one point, then as high as 5th.  This year he’s just missing some flight on his balls — that’s what she said!  2011 2nd half projections:  45/15/50/.320/4

9. Troy Tulowitzki – Riskiest guy so far, and I feel like I say that every time I rank Tulo.  If he didn’t get so G-D hot for a month at a time, he’d be ranked 15 spots lower.  2011 2nd half projections:  50/15/45/.295/5

10. Roy Halladay – This late in the season there’s very few pitchers that can impact your ratios.  Here’s one.  Or Juan, if you’re Spanish.  Razzball:  We’re Sorta Bilingual!  2011 2nd half projections: 10-2/2.20/0.95/100

11. Hanley Ramirez – As of this writing, he’s batting .237 and has been less productive than Danny Espinosa.  So maybe it’s the name factor, um, factoring in here, but you don’t have the name factor without a long track record.  Remember that!  Or don’t.  We’ll still be cool.  2011 2nd half projections: 40/10/40/.320/10

12. Prince Fielder – “For a vegetarian, he sure has serious beef with his dad.”  Sounds like a De La Soul lyric.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/15/50/.275

13. Evan Longoria – I’m not even completely honest with my shrink, but I will be with you.  I think this might be a lost season for Longoria like the lost season of The Honeymooners when Ralph and Norton had sex.  2011 2nd half projections: 35/12/40/.280/5

14. Matt Holliday – His lack of steals makes me wanna drop him in the rankings, but he’s just so bloody reliable — hey, I’m Gordon Ramsay! — I ranked him here.  BTW, I hated Ramsay for always, but am kinda enjoying Master Chef.  Crazy Hat Ben has a rainbow afro for hair.  Count on it!  2011 2nd half projections:  40/14/45/.320/2

15. Justin Upton – The Upton brothers — minus Upton Sinclair (Mike Trout) — are the opposite of reliable.  Justin had his star mitzvah in 2009 then slide back last year and is now, for lack of a more Jewish word, is reconfirming himself.  2011 2nd half projections: 40/12/45/.275/12

16. Carlos Gonzalez – Hopefully he remembers it’s paint the fence, not faceplant the fence.  2011 2nd half projections:  50/14/40/.280/12

17. Ryan Howard – Every time I rank Howard, I want to rank him higher.  I’m such a whore for Ks from pitchers and homers from hitters.  At least I’m not in denial.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/18/60/.260

18. Robinson Cano – To give you an idea how fluky only half a season can be.  Last year Raburn had a better 2nd half than Cano and Cano had a huge year in 2010.  Of course, Cano’s here and Raburn wouldn’t be in my top 300 because Cano does it every year.  2011 2nd half projections: 40/12/50/.310/3

19. Jacoby Ellsbury – Well, if Crawford was doing what he’s supposed to be doing instead of Ellsbury doing a Crawford impersonation, he’d be ranked here, so… I actually just got lost in my own logic.  I feel like the Memento guy trying to figure out how to end that sentence.  “Comma, comma, I’m lost.”  That’s me.  2011 2nd half projections:   55/7/40/.290/25

20. Tim Lincecum – I tend to rank pitchers a little higher at the halfway mark because if you need a big ace to try and fix what Liriano wrought, Lincecum is equal to any hitter in the top 20.  Continued in the next blurb.  2011 2nd half projections:  9-4/2.55/1.15/110

21. Felix Hernandez – Is it ideal to trade, say, Votto for F-Her?  Nope, but Votto’s not helping your pitching if that’s what you need.  What you need is more important than names at this point.  More on pitchers in the next blurb.  2011 2nd half projections:   7-3/2.65/1.10/100

22. Cole Hamels – Nope, that was all I had to say on that topic.  2011 2nd half projections:   8-2/2.80/1.05/90

23. Jered Weaver – Actually, there is two more things to say about starters.  First, just because I put Lincecum in front of Weaver, I wouldn’t trade Weaver for Lincecum.  They’re tomato-tomahto.  Don’t trade tomahto for tomahto.  Trade tomahto for potahto.  Or trade two tomahtos for one potahto upgrade.  2011 2nd half projections:  7-4/2.60/1.00/90

24. Justin Verlander – Second, I also rank pitchers higher at the halfway mark because once they’ve established themselves for the season, they seem a lot less likely to fall off in the 2nd half.  Unless they’re named Dan Haren.  2011 2nd half projections:  6-2/2.75/1.00/95

25. Dustin Pedroia – Not only should you buy a Sparky Anklebiter t-shirt, but buy one and give it to Pedroia when you’re stalking him in Boston Commons.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/9/35/.295/12

26. Andrew McCutchen – The Dread Pirate’s season is interesting (to me, at least).  He’s not exactly lighting up the scoreboard with shouts of “I’m a golden God!” but he’s filling up all five roto categories like a top ten outfielder.  Shows you that 25/25 over the season breaks down to 3 homers and 3 steals a month and, when you’re living that, it doesn’t seem as exciting.  That wasn’t even interesting to me by the time I got done writing it.  Sorry.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/12/45/.280/14

27. Curtis Granderson – I’ve only ranked him this low because I just can’t believe Grandy gets to a 40/25 year.  I am a non-believer, which is different than a witch, but only to some people.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/12/40/.255/10

28. Kevin Youkilis – Here’s another example where his name has him ranked way above where his stats say he should be.  Youuuuuk’s Stats, “Don’t put words in mouth.”  2011 2nd half projections:  50/14/55/.310

29. Nelson Cruz – One of those players that can be a top 5 guy in the 2nd half or get injured and be worse than Morneau.  The chances of either scenario are about 50%.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/18/50/.270/3

30. Rickie Weeks – I still have a hard time trusting Weeks, but I’m going to gather November, December and January Grey in Tahoe during the Thanksgiving break to see if I can come around.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/12/35/.260/5

31. Cliff Lee – The Adverb didn’t modify your teams for the positive last year in the 2nd half (3.79 ERA).  2011 2nd half projections:  8-3/3.05/1.05/85

32. Clayton Kershaw – I love Kershaw.  No, it’s lurve.  2011 2nd half projections:  7-4/3.10/1.07/95

33. CC Sabathia – CC and the Pitching Factory gonna make you sweat if you’re going against him in H2H.  2011 2nd half projections:  9-2/3.25/1.15/95

34. Jay Bruce – Perhaps his staycation in June where he didn’t get a hit for three weeks is reason to not trust him, but when he gets hot he carries a fantasy team.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/15/45/.260/5

35. Hunter Pence – Guys and two girl readers, Pence doesn’t flaunt big power like he’s tying rubber bands around his biceps a’la The Ulimate Warrior, but he’s steady as he goes, The Raconteurs.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/14/45/.290/8

36. Tommy Hanson -  First name:  Hommy.  Last name:  Tanson.  Middle name:  Gas.  2011 2nd half projections:  7-3/3.15/1.05/85

37. Jon Lester – To read your mind — Yes, if he didn’t just get injured he would’ve been ranked higher.  And, no, you shouldn’t put “I can burp the alphabet” on your resume.  2011 2nd half projections:  7-2/2.90/1.15/75

38. Ian Kinsler – He just needs to hit one of those grooves where everything’s going right.  And for the love of all that is holy, stay healthy.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/10/30/.250/12

39. Adrian Beltre – I want to draft a fantasy team next year where I only own Padres and Mariners pitchers and Rockies and Rangers hitters.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/12/40/.260

40. Carl Crawford – In the beginning of the year, I said McCutchen would be Crawford but cheaper.  That now seems like an insult to The Dread Pirate.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/10/35/.280/15

41. Paul Konerko – For what it’s Wuertz, he hit the third most home runs after the break last year with 19.  Behind only Bautista and Pujols.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/15/50/.290

42. Ryan Zimmerman – Definitely hasn’t taken the step forward I thought he would so far this year.  Knowing this schmohawk though, he’ll have a big 2nd half to make everyone buy into him again for next year then disappoint in 2012.  BTW, his first half stats were 15/4/15/.254/1.  That is the new blech.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/10/40/.285/3

43. B.J. Upton – Below-average average (stutterer!) or not, he can still hit 10 homers and steal 20 bags in half a year.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/10/40/.245/15

44. Drew Stubbs – I think Stubbs and Upton are gonna be forever tied together until one can break away.  Sorta like how I tied Adam Jones and Markakis together for a year or two until Markakis started to suckakis.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/10/30/.250/15

45. David Wright – I already regret ranking him here.  Can’t MLB contract the Mets?  2011 2nd half projections:  30/10/35/.290/5

46. Elvis Andrus - A 5 homer, 40 steal year looks great.  A 2 homer, 15 steal half not so much.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/2/25/.270/15

47. Brandon Phillips – If it wasn’t for his counting stats, his season would be atrocious.  5 steals in more than half a year?  Belch.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/12/40/.285/7

48. Josh Hamilton – He’s becoming the number one case example for the thriving field of Saberhagenmetrics.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/12/40/.310/2

49. Lance Berkman – I’m sure he’ll comment below that he should be ranked much higher.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/13/45/.270

50. Brian McCann – This post is pushing 2500 words and I’m only halfway through so quickly:  McCann is the best catcher which makes him the cream of the crap.  BTW, imagine instead of writing this post on a blog, I had written all of this in longhand in a lined notebook.  You’d have me committed.   2011 2nd half projections:  25/10/40/.280

51. Victor Martinez – This ranking is another one that’s more about what he’s done in the past than what he’s done this year.  Cause, friend, his power numbers look terrible so far.  2011 2nd half projections:  25/9/35/.295

52. Ben Zobrist – I was like, “Yo, Grey, how ya gonna rank Zobrist so high?”  Then I was like, “He’s been better than Brandon Phillips and I already ranked him.  And stop talking in third person, it’s really annoying.”  Then I was like, “I hear ya.  Keep doing your thing, boss!”  2011 2nd half projections: 50/7/30/.265/12

53. Jason Heyward – My sophomore year of college I was hit by a car, which nearly killed me.  It’s not in my e-book, maybe the sequel.  Yet, my sophomore effort looks better than following up Reservoir Dogs with Pulp Fiction compared to Heyward’s.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/11/35/.280/4

54. Jose Reyes - See Wright, David.  Or 9 inches above.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/3/20/.290/14

55. Mike Stanton – In the 2nd half of the 2010 season, Stanton had the 5th most homers in the major leagues.  He was like 12 years old last year.  Anyone who can’t understand my love for Stanton has never seen him play.  Watch some highlights of him, Goofus and Gallant.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/16/40/.250/2

56. Jimmy Rollins – The rest of the season is going to happen so fast, that you could grab a guy off waivers and get better stats than a bunch of these players.  In other words, don’t get caught up by names.  In other other words, Rollins could be solid or droppable in a month.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/5/25/.260/12

57. Michael Young – His stats remind me of a non-Grey favorite Prado.  Solid average, runs and RBIs.  I want homers and steals!  Wah!  2011 2nd half projections:  35/7/40/.315/2

58. Aramis Ramirez – I think I speak for all Aramis owners when I say I wish the All-Star break didn’t happen because of fear it might cool him off.  Hopefully he didn’t shut off the engine, just left it idling in the driveway.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/10/40/.280

59. Shane Victorino – Seems to be one of those players that misses 15 days every couple of months but picks things up right where he left off.   2011 2nd half projections:  35/7/25/.280/10

60. Dan Haren – Could be absolutely fine in the 2nd half and put his usual 2nd half slump behind him, but you’re really risking it by going out and trading for him?  2011 2nd half projections:  6-3/3.30/1.10/80

61. Dan Uggla – Had the 5th most homers after the break last year and this year he’ll come even cheaper to buy for your team.  Assuming you’re crazy enough to trade for him.  Takes giant beach balls sometimes to win leagues.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/14/45/.255

62. Yovani Gallardo – Hopefully now that we’re more than halfway through the season, YoGa is properly stretched out and can lower his ERA and his number of outings that make me want to stick my head in the oven.  2011 2nd half projections:  6-4/3.55/1.30/85

63. Krispie Young – If you look at his 1st half numbers, he could actually be ranked even higher.  Make an airplane noise with your fork and chew on that!  2011 2nd half projections:  45/14/40/.245/9

64. Adam Lind - Goes on these crazy streaks where he seems like a first rounder, then cools off to the point where he’s unownable.  Like a rich man’s Wigginton — call him Winthorpeington.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/15/45/.275

65. Matt Cain – Looks like his ERA has finally caught up to his FIP.  Or as David Price said in the next blurb… 2011 2nd half projections:  5-4/3.30/1.15/80

66. David Price – Sometimes it’s better to not over-analyze things.  2011 2nd half projections:  8-4/3.60/1.10/85

67. Josh Johnson – His porn star brother, Gosh, emailed me to say I’ve got his little brother ranked too low.  He also included jpegs that I can’t share.  2011 2nd half projections:  4-2/2.35/1.00/50

68. Carlos Quentin – CQ has stretches where he’s as unownable as a DVD of Roman Coppola’s CQ.  He’s a cheap Nelson Cruz though, because when he gets hot he carries your team for a while.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/15/50/.255

69. Zack Greinke – His K-rate is absurdly beautiful compared to his atrocious ERA.  Could be the best pitcher in the 2nd half.  That’s not idle chitchat.  2011 2nd half projections:  5-4/3.70/1.20/85

70. Josh Beckett – Ever have some players you don’t like for no reason at all?  Beckett just gives the vibe of the douchebag that makes you do naked jumping jacks to get into a frat party.  Not that I’ve ever had to do that.  So…good weather today, huh?  2011 2nd half projections:  7-2/3.50/1.10/80

71. James Shields – His Ks have been so great I’m willing to overlook the fact that I think his ERA goes up to the mid-3 range.  2011 2nd half projections:  6-3/3.55/1.10/85

72. Asdrubal Cabrera – As I said about a month ago when I wrote a Sell on The Drubal, I think the best is behind him and I don’t mean his glutes.  2011 2nd half projections:  45/7/40/.275/8

73. Chase Utley – To give you an appreciation of how much I care, I flip-flopped Espinosa and Utley in the rankings about two dozen times, unable to decide who I’d want more.  I’m still not sure, but if I had Utley I’d be able to trade him for more than Espinosa so that makes him ever-so-slightly more valuable.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/6/30/.295/7

74. Danny Espinosa -  Hey, it’s my pen pal…If he ever wrote back to me and my letters with all my pink highlighter hearts adorning the envelopes didn’t keep getting returned.  I love you, Espinosa.  Write back soon!  Or when you get a chance.  I just want to know you’re okay.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/10/35/.250/8

75. Mark Reynolds – All brays to Mini Donkey for being the only donkey worth his hay this year.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/15/35/.230/3

76. Starlin Castro – If he was an outfielder, he wouldn’t be owned in 12 team leagues, but he’s not so there’s that.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/2/25/.315/8

77. Michael Bourn – He’s either worth a top 20 player to you, or he’s not worth a top 200 player.  All depends on how badly you need an injection of SAGNOF.  2011 2nd half projections:  50/0/20/.270/25

78. Mariano Rivera – Put him with Bourn on purpose.  Closers share the SAGNOF definition with speedsters on purpose.  You either need saves or steals or don’t and it doesn’t matter where they come from.  As the top starters are boosted in the 2nd half rankings, closers are bumped down.  Really, if you need saves, does it matter if you get 12 saves from Rivera or Kevin Gregg?  2011 2nd half projections:  2-1/2.25/1.00/20, 18 saves

79. Adam Jones – At the end of the season, his stats will look eerily similar to Hunter Pence.   He’s like Skeet Ulrich to Johnny Depp.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/12/35/.280/5

80. Howie Kendrick – His numbers will look better for the whole season than just for the 2nd half.  Wait, every player is like that.  Well, you get what I’m saying.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/8/30/.315/7

81. Jayson Werth – Here’s a prediction for what won’t happen in the 2nd half.  He’ll get an extension from the Nats.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/12/35/.260/8

82. David Ortiz – His average is like an impressionist painting.  Up close it looks like it’s .300.  Step back a few paces and it looks like it’s .275.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/15/50/.275

83. Pablo Sandoval – He’s a Latin Billy Butler with a tad bit more power.  Call him Mooblo.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/8/30/.300

84. Ubaldo Jimenez – Hairs to you, Ubaldo!  I nearly left him off the top 100, but we’re at the point now in the rankings where there will be guys on waivers that do better than some of these guys.  2011 2nd half projections:  6-3/3.55/1.25/80

85. Carlos Beltran – Solid 2nd half or he’ll tweak something and the Mets will say he’s day-to-day then he’ll miss two months.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/12/35/.265/2

86. Kelly Johnson – Easily could hit 10+ homers and have a better 2nd half than Utley.  Remember we’re still just waiting for Johnson’s balls to drop.  Hehe.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/10/30/.250/5

87. Carlos Marmol – See Rivera, Mariano.  Or 7 inches above.  2011 2nd half projections:  1-2/2.70/1.30/40, 15 saves

88. Alexei Ramirez – This was actually the last blurb I wrote because I stopped at Ubaldo then worked backwards to Scherzer then went back to Beltran.  I tell you this because I have nothing to say about Alexei.  Enjoy your All-Star break!  2011 2nd half projections:  40/8/30/.275/5

89. Max Scherzer – Honestly, I’m ranking him here and I don’t even know if I’d start him in his next start.  2011 2nd half projections:  5-4/3.75/1.30/85

90. Gaby Sanchez – He (she?) can give you modest power and solid counting stats.  Plus, you can pretend you have a girl on your team.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/10/40/.285

91. Matt Garza – Go ahead, laugh.  His K:BB, K-rate and… Okay, I’m crazy.  He has to be better.  Has to!  I’m not even convincing myself here.  2011 2nd half projections:  5-3/3.80/1.30/85

92. Adam Dunn – Big-bellied players tend to get old quick, but this is insane.  Did Billy Butler eat David Eckstein and disguise himself as Adam Dunn?  Dunn probably shoudn’t be ranked at all, but he could hit 20 homers in the 2nd half.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/14/40/.220

93. Stephen Drew – Except in 2009, he’s always been better in the 2nd half.  Oh, and no matter how good he is in the 2nd half this year, I’m not going near him in 2012.  2011 2nd half projections:  40/10/40/.280/3

94. Mike Napoli – Will lead catchers in 2nd half homers.  I can feel it in my bones.  Or maybe I’m feeling something else because I just looked at Napoli’s mom.  2011 2nd half projections:  25/12/30/.245

95. Corey Hart – Member the huge first half he had last year?  Yeah, I don’t either.  Stupid mind-erasing drugs.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/12/30/.265/3

96. Joe Mauer – Hit .373 in the 2nd half last year.  Meanwhile, the year he hit 28 homers seems like decades ago.  Can all of baseball admit that these new parks were built with steroids in mind and move in the fences 20 feet across the board?  Like how there used to be monuments in the field of play in old stadiums, there could be a Carl’s Jr. in Petco’s outfield and no one would ever reach it.  2011 2nd half projections:  35/4/35/.315

97. Delmon Young – He had a good 2nd half in 2009 and in 2010.  And he has 2 homers and a .256 average on the year, so he can’t be much worse.  It’s called wishful thinking, go with it.  2011 2nd half projections:  25/10/30/.290/2

98. Neil Walker – “Damn, I knew Grey was drinking when he wrote this.”  That’s you.  I’m putting Neil Walker down to highlight how anyone can give you value in the 2nd half of the season.  Last year, Walker had 9 homers and hit .306.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/8/35/.280/3

99. Michael Cuddyer – At 2nd base, he’s actually been more valuable than Phillips and Zobrist who I have ranked ahead of him.  I might just be misplacing my Morneau anger on whatever Twin I can.  Something else I wanna note on Cuddyer, he’s been the fourth most valuable player in the last month.  With so little time left on the season, current productivity outweighs name value.  There, I’ve now said that about a dozen times in this post.  2011 2nd half projections:  30/8/30/.285/3

100. Whoever Wins You The Championship – It’s now or never, people! Make your move or lose.

BUY

Mike Trout – So what’s my take on Trout besides he’s best served cajun?  He’s kind of like the 3rd Upton brother.  He’s the white Upton, or the Less Uptown Upton.  Call him Upton Sinclair.  As Torii Hunter might say, “We lose Bourjos and get Trout.  They should’ve called that movie Anglos In The Outfield.”  He’s fast, i.e., Trout can really swim upstream.  He could be what we always wanted from B.J. Upton with a 25/40 line.  Prospects don’t get much better.  In only 74 games in the minors, he had 9 homers and 28 steals with a .330 average.  Yet, he probably won’t do anything this year.  When Bourjos returns, Trout may not even stick in the majors.  I still say grab him in every league for the outside possibility of upside.

Cory Luebke – As I profossilized (Made Up Word Of The Day!) in the preseason, I really should’ve just drafted the entire Padres staff on one team and only started them at home.  2.92 ERA, 1.21 WHIP at home.  I’d be near the top in all of my leagues for ratios.  And I wouldn’t have Liriano.  Win-win.

Jason Vargas – I could’ve put Fister here, and, actually by saying that, I am putting Fister here.  Two Mariners pitchers that will lose 2-1 games for the price of 1.  No decision-no decision.

Phil Hughes – Told you not to draft him in the preseason, don’t exactly love him now, but if he’s on waivers, it’s worth a flyer.  Talk about the old hard sell, or is that a hard buy?

David Hernandez – SAGNOF!

Joe Nathan – Let’s put it this way, Matt Capps just picked up Nathan for his fantasy team.

Zack Cozart – I just went over my Zack Cozart fantasy.  I wrote it while getting a tattoo of a unicorn on my back.

Travis Snider – Good source of power, but you can’t take him and his mustache within 500 feet of a schoolyard.  Friend, that is creepy.

Laynce Nix – Two sets of season numbers so far:  30/12/33/.279/2 and 33/6/28/.248/8.  First one is obviously Nix who’s owned in under 20% of ESPN leagues; 2nd one is Jason Bay who’s owned in 90% of leagues.  You make fun of teams for giving names big money contracts, but you’re just as bad.  Yeah, you.

Danny Valencia – Now dancing with Charo on Dancing With The Stars… Danny Valencia!  Hola!  Don’t know why but I always picture Valencia in a sequins shirt.  He’s been on a tear for about three weeks now and beyond that he’s batting .240 right now but he’s a .285 hitter.  So keep it going for Danny Valencia!

Emilio Bonifacio – He usually gets hot for a shorter period of time than a menopausal woman, but he is stealing some bags.  Speaking of bags, at Whole Foods they give you a nickel off any purchase if you bring your own bag, so I plan on bringing 1000 bags and getting fifty dollars worth of food for free.

Mark Ellis – He’s currently hitting, but I think owning Ellis is gonna get old quicker than any of those Charlie Sheen catchphrases.  Member when “Winning” was funny for like a minute?  (Not an Urbandictionary minute which is actually a long time.)

Clint Barmes – This is the kinda waiver wire pickup you make then immediately look again at the waiver wire, find someone else and drop Barmes three minutes later.  That kinda waiver wire pickup should have a name in the glossary.  Suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

SELL

Jose Reyes – M-E-S-S, Mess, Mess, Mess!  I’m so done with the Mets.  They got doctors from the med school that Steve Guttenberg went to in Bad Medicine and they keep selling us a bag of injured goods.  Beltran will be out for the weekend — he missed 15 months!  Wright is day-to-day with a broken back –  he’s never returning!  You think Johan’s ever coming back?  I’m being serious.  They built Metco on a haunted cemetery.  Speaking of which, they’re gonna probably tell us Jason Bay actually died last year and they never reported it.  Jose Reyes will probably miss all of July and a part of August.  If you can find someone — read:  sucker — to take Reyes off your hands thinking he’ll be back in a few weeks, go for it.

Nick Markakis – I’m feeling cantankerkis today.  His numbers:  36/7/34/.293/7 look like a healthy Crapolanco.  Whether Markakis is hitting or not, you can probably trade him for a better piece because of his name value then just grab an outfielder off waivers.

Aramis Ramirez – Yeah, he’ll probably hit a home run every game for the rest of the season and make this sell recommendation look silly.  Cause he’s never one to get injured, or go into month long slumps.  No!  Not Aramis.  He’s going to continue to hit like he had Babe Didrikson’s stem cells injected into his buttocks.  You won’t find a guy whose value is higher right now.  I’m not saying to sell him for the babysitting services of Casey Anthony, but I’d explore my options.

BUY

Jonny Gomes – Gomes is a mnemonic for Great Outfielder? Meh. Eerie Superior to other outfielders for a short period of time?  Yeah.  Okay, so not the best mnemonic.

Jason Bay – He’s been on absolute fire!  *fast, side effect for a medicine commercial voice*  I don’t trust his power, speed or average.  He’s gotten old — fast.  And, if he were anyone else but a guy that once hit 36 homers, we probably wouldn’t even pay attention.  If you have an erection longer than 24 hours after picking up Bay, see a doctor.

Garrett Jones – Robot’s not hard-wired to hit lefties so you have to bench him.  But Apollo Creed couldn’t get at lefties either, even with a snowball, and he did all right (until he was killed by Drago.)

Alex Presley – A Buy with two Pirates and one former in the first four names?  That’s the Jeopardy question to the answer, “How do you make Razzball readers yawn?”

Cameron Maybin – It’s funny, by which I mean it’s not funny at all, some players I love when they’re prospects then when they actually start playing I realize their upside is most players’ downside.  That’s so Maybin!

Desmond Jennings – According to the hash marks on the inside of my cave, Jennings will be called up within the next week or so because of his Super Two status.  Now, excuse me, while I make dinner for me and my volleyball.  (BTW, Jennings has been a Buy for like three weeks in a row.  Watch out, deaf ears, something’s falling!)

Eric Thames – Lotta borderline outfielders this week.  Or as I like to call them, bored-er line.  Wocka wocka wocka!

Mike Napoli – He’s due back on monday, so that means two things:  1) Now’s the time to grab Napoli. 2) Monday’s the time to grab his Mom.  “No, Ms. Napoli, I’m not drinking pineapple juice for any particular reason.”  Then we’d laugh and probably discuss Napoli’s playing time.

Geovany Soto – He’s hitting for the first time all year, but on a different note — is it me or is Geovany Soto wearing makeup?  Was he on the way to the theater to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show?

Daniel Murphy – Here’s a Cust Kayin’ for you.  For the season, Murphy’s been more valuable Billy Butler (unless your league counts Moob Size).

Lonnie Chisenhall – Just went over my Chisenhall fantasy.  I wrote it while playing Angry Birds on my iPhone while riding on the back of an ostrich.

Chris Davis – Supposedly the Rangers are about to call him up again.  Aw, geez, now someone has to change Bill James’s sheets.  I’m done with Davis until he actually hits in the major leagues, but, if you’re hurting at corner infidel, go for it.  He has hit something like 30 homers in 20 games in Triple-A this year.

Yuniesky Betancourt – Has two homers and two steals in the last ten games… Eh, he’s terrible, but I just picked him up in one league and I’m trying to convince myself he’s decent.  Betancourt is decent!  Yeah, ain’t working.

Cory Luebke – May just be a hodgepadre, but it’s worth the flyer to find out.  What’s the worst that happens?  A 6 IP, 2 ER start?  Ooh, I guess you’re too good for that with your fancy jeans and Ed Hardy t-shirt.

Javy Guerra – Bastardo has three saves this year and he’s been the closer for like a minute — and that’s not an Urban Dictionary minute which is actually a long time.  So, really who’s the bastardo in this equation?  Guerra, that’s who.  Yet, he’s supposedly the closer, but if Mattingly threw Elbert in there for the next save, wouldn’t surprise me in the least.   Or is that would surprise me in the least?  Eh, I couldn’t care less.  Or is that could care less?

Antonio Bastardo – I think Charlie Manuel seriously considered Michael Stutes for the closer job, but he just had too much fun saying Antonio Bastardo’s name.  (BTW, Bastardo was the 666th word of this post.  We’re all damned!)

Vinnie Pestano – Chris Perez went to bereveament leave because his grandmother died.  We’re sorry for his loss and hope the days off give him time to mullet over what she meant to him.  Grab Pestano for some vulture saves.  Or just grab him because he’s been good.  His middle name should be Italy because he’s a VIP.

SELL

Adam Dunn – A few weeks ago I told you to sell him, as in trade.  I think that ship’s sailed about as well as the Titanic.  Depending on your leagues, it’s now time to just drop the Big Donkey Ass.

Jeremy Hellickson – His K-rate is just over 6 and his xFIP is 4.38.  In other words, blech and belch.  In other other words, see if you can still get something before things get worse.  (Feel free to ignore this advice in keeper leagues.  Assuming you do follow some of my advice.)

David Wright – “He’s due back within the next week!!!  Or two.”  That’s you talking to another owner in your league.  “Honestly, I can’t believe I’m giving you my first round pick for Lind and Daniel Hudson.  Maybe I shouldn’t play this fantasy baseball thingie — do you want me to throw in Aaron Hill?”  That’s you too, then you giggle like Lisa Simpson when she’s swooning for a boy.  This sell is called salvaging a rotten season from Wright.  He’s never been one to just rebound immediately after an injury and he’s dealing with a back issue.  So is he gonna steal knowing he’s gotta slide?  Is he going to have a setback?  Re-injure himself?  I wouldn’t trade him for a hard candy out of your grammie’s pocketbook, but I’d explore options.

BUY

Jonathan Broxton – ‘So much junk, so much junk inside that trunk’ could be lyrics about the Dodgers bullpen or specifically about Broxton.

Mark Melancon – He doesn’t make the cut off of 50% owned in ESPN for this post, but that’s my own self-imposed rule, so screw you, homes!  Kidding.  (Or am I?!)  I’m listing Melancon because his ownership is actually going down.  Um, he’s the closer, what gives?

Chris Carter – I just went over my Chris Carter fantasy.  I wrote it while waiting for a studio light to fall on Carson Daly’s head.

Ty Wigginton – I just got a Lane Bryant spring collection catalog in the mail so that could only mean one thing… I accidentally got my neighbor’s mail.  Oh, and Ty Wigginton’s hitting.

Jeff Baker – While the Purple Evolutionist is off mending and writing in his journal about the dodo bird, Baker is seeing starts in his stead.  “Yo, get out of my stead!”  That was a farmer in the 1860′s.

Jemile Weeks – Just went over him this morning, shut all your porn windows and pay attention to Razzball!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – This will be the last mention of Nishioka in a Buy column.  Won’t mean I like him more or less, but shizz is getting repetitive.

Chris Getz – Has stolen a decent amount of bases this season (12 — well, I did modify with ‘decent’), but he’s strictly a poor man’s everyman.

David Freese – Over the course of a full season, he’s capable of 20 homers and a solid average.  He won’t be playing a whole season. Don’t quibble, Random Italicized Voice.  But I’m hungry. That’s not what quibble means.  Riiiight. I’d grab Freese and expect some power and a good average.

Dayan Viciedo – I think we’re finally affecting change.  Last week I told you to pick up Viciedo and this week he’s gone up 0.1% in ownership at ESPN.  Woo-hoo!  Razzball, we’re the tenth-percenters!

Roger Bernadina – I told you to grab him about a month ago.  In that time, he’s been better than Victorino, Ethier, Beltran, Bautista (eat it!), Bossman Upton, Abreu, Ichiro, etc. etc. etc.  How is he owned in only 24% of ESPN leagues?  Oh, as we just learned, he’d only be owned in 23.9% of ESPN leagues without us.  Yay me!

Jason Bay – Haven’t been a big fan of his for years and I’m not suddenly flipping sides like Anakin.  I told you to grab him the other day after his 3-for-3, home run game.  Then he went back to old Bay without the delicious fish, meat or chicken seasoning.  If he’s available, I’d take a flyer that he might get hot.

Wily Mo Pena – Probably only a very short term add for power.  On the bright side, his strikeouts generate electricity.

Jonny Gomes – It’s Jonny cat!  Frisky!  I love this short term add for power, but you must be able to switch him in and out of your lineup when he’s not playing.

Desmond Jennings – I’m guessing he’s up in the next week to ten days.  If someone wants to Gillooly Fuld and Ruggiano, that time can be bumped up.

Jon Jay – Four score and one month ago, I told you Juan Hay would get value when Holliday went to the DL.  He did a’ight, but didn’t really shamwow my fantasy teams.  Well, he’s getting another opportunity with Pujols carrying the burden of one million fantasy teams ruined.

Jordan Schafer – The Braves announced that even with the return of McLousy, Schafer will be the starter.  Now when Prado returns something’s gotta give, old lady movie.  Until then, I’d grab Schafer for some speed.

Brandon Beachy – I’ve talked about him so much that he should be on everyone’s team that reads this site.  There’s really no excuse.  And that’s me just being real with you.

Cory Luebke – If he were on any other team, I’d tell you to hold, but in Petco very little can go wrong (damn, if that’s not a jinx I don’t know what is).

Carlos Carrasco – His name sounds like an upscale Mexican restaurant and he’s throwing some good stuff at the plate.  It’s a mashup of puns!  I’m like Girl Talk of fantasy baseball bloggers.  (If you don’t know Girl Talk, shame on you.  Download All Day.  Here’s your preemptive you’re welcome.)

Doug Fister – Fister?  But he hardly knew her!  Sorry, so hard to resist that.  He’s at a 3.34 ERA and 1.21 WHIP on the season.  Yeah, that’s better than that other schmohawk you own.  And him too.

SELL

Rick Porcello – Of course you should drop him.  I’m only listing him to make a point.  We get some comments in the Buy/Sell that there are so many more Buy’s than Sell’s.  Well, yeah, dur.  I’m not going to list 35 names of players to drop.  Plus, people have players that are injured and need short term replacements so that’s what the Buy does.  Gives you some names for fill-in’s.  Now back to the Sell…

Ryan Vogelsong – He’s up to about 97% owned which means there’s been some Johnny-come-lately’s who have gone to the waiver wire in your league to find Vogelsong gone.  After that, they’re like, “Damn, you so-and-so always get the hot waiver wire adds.”  At that point, you sell Vogelsong to them.

Michael Morse – Sorry, you knew it was coming though, right?  I mean, he hit .400+ in May and around .330 so far in June.  If he hit .270 the rest of the way, it wouldn’t completely surprise me.  He has 13 home runs now, he might hit ten the rest of the way.  That would give him around 25 homers and .280 for the whole season.  That’s great, wonderful, superlative.  Now I’m not trading him for a Bed, Bath and Beyond 20% off coupon, but I would explore options.

BUY

Charlie Blackmon – Is the vicious homers?  Nope.  Is the haircut?  Nope.  Is it the shoes?  Nope.  Is it the extra long shorts?  Nope.  Is it the short socks?  Nope.  It’s gotta be the steals!

Jordan Schafer – Sticking with the retro Nike feel, I’m mentioning Jordan.  He’s currently hitting, but, in the big picture, he’s just okay.  Jordan is His Fair-ness.

Justin Ruggiano – I wonder if Sam Fuld would pick up Ruggiano on his fantasy team.  On one hand, he knows what it’s like to be a hot schmotato and how fast they can go cold.  On the other hand, Ruggiano is stealing his playing time.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a foot wearing a mitten, Ruggiano was much more interesting in the minors leagues than Fuld.  (BTW, I think every baseball player should have to participate in a public fantasy league.  I’d love to see who would actually own themselves, what pitchers hitters would own and vice versa.  Jason Kubel is coming up to bat vs. Brandon Morrow.  You may not own either but after Morrow’s last start Kubel dropped him in his league and now Morrow beans him.  Intrigue!)

Travis Snider – Supposedly, he’s going to get recalled in a few weeks.  Rudy and I were talking over IM about how some guys are just such a tease.  Everyone rushes out to grab Snider every time he gets called up.  Do you forget why he was back on waivers to begin with?  He’s okay as a flyer, but I’m not going crazy with him until he actually shows something.  I’m turning over a new, more conservative leaf.  Now how about Dee Gordon?!

Alexi Casilla – Forget everything you know about Alexi Casilla…Okay, forget that you don’t know anything about Alexi Casilla.  He’s hitting over .400 in the last week and is on pace for 25 steals. (As if you’re gonna keep him on your team all year!  Hahahahahaha….  Mid-haha I totally forgot what I was laughing at.)

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Two Twins middle infielders?  Um… Yay?  I think Nishioka will probably end up with more value than Casilla, but he might take a bit longer to get going.

Dustin Ackley – Just went over my Dustin Ackley fantasy.  I wrote it while trying to avoid eye contact in my gym’s locker room.

Jemile Weeks – Ackley is gonna have more buzz in fantasy leagues, but I imagine him and Weeks are pretty much the same thing this year.

Eduardo Nunez – If you had Jeter (did you draft him hoping he’d get you laid?) or need a quick one week fill-in, Nunez has speed and some slight power.

Jonathon Niese – For those with a short term memory — hey, who said that?! — I liked Niese in the preseason.  A 3 and a half ERA and solid K’s doesn’t seem to be that farfetched.

Tim Stauffer – This will sound rhetorical, but I’d take an answer.  How does a guy go unowned in so many leagues when he pitches his home games in a stadium where the center field fence has the infinity sign on it?

Andrew Miller – To continue from Stauffer’s blurb… Yet, if Miller pitches well vs. the Padres his ownership will skyrocket.  Miller who’s failed so many times in the major leagues and isn’t even guaranteed a rotation spot.

Jeff Baker – As long as the Cubs sit him vs righties, he’s only an add in deep, daily leagues where you can swap him in and out.

Dayan Viciedo – Kenny Williams said Viciedo is finally ready for the majors.  Ozzie said the same but put a hashtag on it.  He’s hit 10 homers in 62 games in the minors and his 3rd base eligibility makes him immediately ownable.  Though I would like to know where he’s going to play.  If he starts every day at 3rd base, I like him a lot, but he can’t play 3rd.  If he’s off the bench here and there in the outfield, then belch.  If the Sox bench Pierre and play Viciedo, then giddy up.

Luke Scott – Know how Miguel Olivo’s never happy hitting just one home run?  That goes doubly for Luke Scott.  BTW, doubly might be one of my top five favorite words.  When you say it, it’s hard to not sound drunk.

SELL

Michael Young – His counting stats don’t look terrible, but 3 home runs and 4 steals prorated over the whole year sounds Crapolanco-ish.  I wouldn’t drop him, but I’d sweeten a deal with Young and just grab an MI off waivers in leagues where that’s possible.

Josh Beckett – At some point, he’s going to look human again.  It may not be today…Well, it’s definitely not today because he’s not pitching.  It may not be tomorrow…Well, it won’t be tomorrow.  Not pitching then either.  It may not be until July, but at some point it’ll happen.  Don’t believe me, ask Ubaldo about his 1st half last year.

Joe Mauer – Welcome back, Joe!  Now trade him immediately.  Word out of Minnesota is Mauer will be sitting in a beach chair behind the plate to avoid crouching.  I just jumped out of a DeLorean and I have the big news from next year’s baseball preseason.  Bud Selig and Ed Wade switch toupees to raise money for lupus with a fundraising drive called, Raise the Wolf.  The 2nd biggest story:  after another down year in 2011 for Mauer, he will play primarily first base in 2012.  Then everyone will go crazy for a 12 homer hitting 1st baseman thinking he’ll be that much better if he doesn’t have to catch.  Well, that’s for another day (or year).  For this year, Mauer’s all name value.

BUY

Dee Gordon – Gordon is so fast he just ran into Kitchen Stadium, spit on Michael Symon’s head, buffed it and ran out without Alton even noticing.  I see no reason why you shouldn’t own Gordon everywhere for a few weeks to see if he not only sticks but steals some bases.  For more on my Dee Gordon fantasy, see that link.  I wrote it while picking out all the strawberry Dippin’ Dots from the Banana Split mix.

Jemile Weeks – I’m less excited about Jemile because his power and speed aren’t of the game-changing variety.  Could he get hot and be a worthwhile pickup in all leagues?  Do I call 16-year-old girls that are dressed too old for their age prostitots?  Yes and yes.

Cord Phelps – Um…Well…He has patience.  Great, go back to school and become a kindergarten teacher.  He’s all right in AL-Only leagues where anyone with a starting job is worth owning.

Scott Sizemore – He’s better than Cord Phelps, who is one of those guys you have to say both his names for it to sound right, but Sizemore’s playing time is a bit iffier.

Anthony Rizzo – I just went over my Anthony Rizzo fantasy.  I wrote that while riding an ostrich through downtown Detroit.

Mike Carp – He was hitting the dickens out the ball in the PCL, but since that’s so hitter friendly I wouldn’t have great expectations.

Mike Moustakas – I just went over my Mike Moustakas fantasy.  Scroll down, it’ll burn calories and then you can have some extra dessert.

Chris Johnson – He’s pretty yawnstipating but he has been hitting better this month.  Do what you will with that information.  Keep in mind, you may have to hold a gun to my head in the comments to tell you to pick him up.  Or I guess you could just ask me if I like him or Chone Figgins.

Miguel Olivo – He’s hitting home runs.  Plural-ing there on purpose, because he doesn’t ever hit just one.  He’s like the Lay’s of catchers.

Charlie Blackmon – Dexter Fowler is sidelined due to sucking so the Rox called up Blackmon.  Blackmon is actually an exciting flyer if this wasn’t the Rockies who have 5 great upside flyers per position.  Hey, Rockies, take a cue from the Astros and get boring.  Thank you!

Lucas Duda – Supposed to be called up today.  Zip-a-dee-Duda, zip-a-dee-ay.  My, oh my, what a Duda day.  He has slightly-above average power and no speed.  Outside of very deep mixed leagues and NL-Only leagues, I’d wait to see what Duda brings to the Camptown Races.

Ben Revere – He feels like one of those short-term plays that actually stays in your fantasy lineup for much longer because he’s producing.  Wherever you’re struggling with a 5th outfielder, I’d give him a shot.

Nyjer Morgan – Here’s the situation, last year Chris Volstad hit Nyjer Morgan with a pitch, Nyjer Morgan charged the mound and got mollywhopped.  Cut to last week, Nyjer comes up to face Volstad and takes him deep.  The face on Nyjer as he trotted around the bases sorta made him my new favorite player ever in everdom.  Then I dug into what other shenanigans he’s been up to and I found a video that sums him up in a big ball of crazy.  He gets the walk-off hit and had no idea, he thought his team was winning.  Yes, he thought his team was winning even though they were the home team and it was the ninth inning.  I love you, Nyjer.  Don’t ever change, or get arrested for whatever drugs you’re on.  Oh, as for fantasy, he’s on the strong side of a platoon and can steal.

Jason Bourgeois – If you can swap him in and out of your lineup, you may get 30+ steals from a part-time player.  Cust kayin’.

Xavier Paul – He could be 12-team mixed league worthy if he had a starting job.  Unfortunately, he’s not the fortunate one.  In NL-Only daily leagues, I’d grab him, but you gotta be ready to put your keys in the fish bowl and swap.

Rubby de la Rosa – There’s something so rhythmic about the last name de la Rosa that you can put any name in front and it sounds cool.  “Hola, compadres, Grey de la Rosa aqui, let’s talk fantasy!”  See?  The great thing about Rubby is he can strike out hitters.  Though he does walk people, that’s the rub(by).

Edinson Volquez – “Striking out and walking people?  That’s my bag, baby!”  That’s Volquez reading the last blurb.

Dillon Gee – You know the Hodpadres get a lot of love here, but the guys toeing the rubber in Metco seem underappreciated.  I’m about to course correct.  Hope you ain’t too cool for the safe belt.

Jon Niese – His home ERA is 2.76.  Okay, course corrected.

Charlie Morton – I’ve been telling you to pick him up since April.  He has a 2.52 ERA.  It won’t stay that low, but, c’mon, you can still own him.

Javy Guerra – “Muahahahahahaha…”  That’s Mattingly laughing at you trying to figure out who his closer is.

Jon Rauch – Farrell said Rauch is the Blue Jays closer.  Then Farrell sang, “Tattoos make great necks…They’ll make great necks!”

SELL

Justin Morneau – Your best bet at this point is to pull off The Patented Flip-Flop Flop* (*Patent pending).  The Patented Flip-Flop Flop* (*Patent pending) is when you take an underwhelming star and trade them for someone else’s headache.  Because, really, what else are you going to do with this schmohawk at this point?  If you can’t pull off a Patented Flip-Flop Flop* (*Patent pending), in most 12 team and under leagues, it’s time to cut bait.  He’s playing hurt and he looks like he should be shutdown.

Adam Dunn – I’ve ranked these four Sell candidates for The Patented Flip-Flop Flop* (*Patent pending) in order of least chance of a rebound to greatest.  I’m worried about Dunn more than Uggla because of the position eligibility and because of Ozzie.  It wouldn’t surprise me to see Ozzie sit Dunn vs. all lefties moving forward even if he starts hitting.  Not saying Dunn shouldn’t sit vs. them but it’ll hurt his counting stats either way.  Or Ethier way.  I do think Dunn can still get to 30 home runs, but the average and counting stats will probably be poor.

Dan Uggla – It’s as simple as the nose on your face (and the eye patch you wear just for looks).  If Uggla hits .220 and 25 home runs at 2nd base, it’s not good, but it would be worse at 1st base.  Am I trading a decent guy for him?  No, I’m not.  I would trade one of the two above schmohawks for him though.  And I’d trade Josh Tomlin for him.  And other players of that ilk.  And, yes, ilk is as douchey a word to write as it is to say.

Shin-Soo Choo – You know when they say a player just has to get out of his own way?  Yeah, I don’t know who they are, but they could’ve been talking about Choo.  Nothing wrong with Choo other than he’s in a shame spiral about his DUI and he’s about to commit seppuku.  He just needs a good talking to and maybe a marathon bukkake session and Choo will be back doing what he do.  I’d still sell him, I just wouldn’t sell him for a Groupon for a Segway tour of the South Bronx.

BUY

Laynce Nix – He’s another platoon (doesn’t face lefties often) player, but he’s also only owned in 22% of ESPN leagues and he’s hit 3 homers in the last week.  If someone grabs Nix off waivers before you, call yourself a wambulaynce.

Jon Jay – After hitting .397 in May with 3 homers and 3 steals, he had the best month of his career since he wrote The Federalist Papers.

Nyjer Morgan -  SAGNOF!

Jason Bourgeois – I heard through the grapevine that he’s coming back this weekend, and by ‘grapevine,’ I mean I read it on the internet.  Thank you, Al Gore!

Tony Campana – While Marlon Byrd plays piano in the cellar for the next 6 weeks, Campana should see time.  He can get on base at a decent rate and he has crazy speed.  In fact, he just ran into your room, messed your hair and ran back out and you didn’t even know it.

Andres Torres – A fantasy baseball Rorschach test would have an ink blot of Angel Pagan and Andres Torres.

Allen Craig – Hit .350 in May and is the starting 2nd baseman, assuming Pujols doesn’t try and get that eligibility too.  Craig’s a 15/8 guy if he plays all year, which is great for a middle infidel not named Asdrubal.

Danny Espinosa – I’m not sure why he’s only owned in 37% of ESPN leagues other than 10,000 ESPN leagues might be owned by one guy who goes by the initial X who just likes to mess with me by picking up and dropping random players.  X, “What?  I have some free time.”

Josh Willingham – The other white meat is smoking with a side order of hot schmotato.

Brian Matusz – For full disclosure purposes, I wouldn’t pick up Matusz outside of an AL-Only league, and he’d be owned there anyway.  I just have a mental block about Orioles pitchers.  Don’t worry, I’m in therapy.

Daniel Murphy -  It’s absolutely bonkers to me that no other fantasy sites are touting Daniel Murphy.  Granted, I don’t read other fantasy sites and Murphy is pretty yawnstipating, but, I mean, c’mon!

Ty Wigginton -  Wiggy, Wiggy, Wiggy, can’t you see, sometimes your streaks just hypnotize me.  His picture should be next to the definition of hot schmotato (and it would say, “See also Luke Scott”).

Anthony Rizzo – It’s interesting that there’s times that I’ll talk about a player a lot and make myself even more excited for him, and other times when I dull my excitement the more I mention someone.  And I should have modified interesting with “to only me.”  Rizzo’s starting to bore me and he’s not even in the majors yet.  A few badonkadonks though and that can all change.

Ryan Theriot -  Know what I really like about Theriot?  Yeah, um, well, he does have a pretty cool last name.  He also has, um, hmm…Uh…  Well, he’s currently hitting and has some speed.

Eric Young Jr. – I kinda want to start another league just so I can redraft and take Young with my first pick.  The unabashedly crazy bro-love comes from the fact that Young has 60 steal speed.

Brett Lawrie – Just went over my Lawrie fantasy.  I wrote it while doing vodka shots with Karen Allen.

Brent Lillibridge – In the Razzball Glossary section of the forums, someone suggested peg boy replace hot schmotato.  I’m not ready to make the change, though, if you wanted your son to grow up to be a peg boy, you’d name him Brent Lillibridge.

Brandon Crawford – I think Crawford is one of those adds that by the time they get on your team they’ve overstayed their welcome.

Aaron Crow – Everyone in the preseason who said Soria’s the best closer in baseball is eating Crow.  Wah-wah-wahhhhh…Sad trombone.

Vicente Padilla – Mattingly said Padilla will take the closer job back.  Very surprising since he juggled seven different guys to varying degrees of failure in his absence.

Juan Nicasio – High risk, high reward type flyer.  Could get you a couple of high-K starts, might give you an ulcer, will probably be bumped from the rotation for Aaron Cook.

Jordan Lyles – Just went over my Jordan Lyles fantasy.  I wrote it in 1996, stuck it into a bottle and found it fifteen years later off the coast of Brazil.

SELL

Michael Pineda – Out of 11 starts, Pineda’s only had 4 starts vs. teams with a better than .500 record (as of yesterday. (I didn’t feel like figuring out who was over .500 when he faced them. (If you’d like a refund of your no money paid, let me know))).   In the 4 starts vs. the .500+ teams, he gave up 12 runs in 24 innings, giving him a 4.50 ERA.  In 2009, he missed a lot of the season with an elbow injury so the Mariners would have to be run by Ed Wade’s Toupee to push Pineda deep into September, eliminating his usefulness in H2H playoffs.  Now to completely hedge, I’m a fan of Pineda and don’t think he’s going to become side-of-the-barn hittable, but I would look at options.

Carlos Lee – He slashed .325/.341/.470 in May.  Wait, why isn’t El Caballo in the Buy section?  Oh, I know.  Cause he also hit only 2 homers last month.  Blech.  Who is he, Mike Aviles?  In most mixed leagues, I’d turn Caballo into glue.

Darwin Barney – Dropping Darwin would be intelligent design.

BUY

Brandon Belt – Just went over my Brandon Belt fantasy.  I wrote it while sitting in the Statue of Liberty’s torch thinking about our forefathers.

Anthony Rizzo – The best part about Rizzo is his power.  The worst part is he’ll be hitting in Petco.  The moderately good part is the Padres are fools if they don’t call him up and play him every day.  The moderately worst part is the Padres are fools.

Juan Miranda – Carmen’s son was hit by a pitch on Sunday and hasn’t played since.  Sounds like someone you want on your team immediately, huh?  Yeah, I seduce you with my lukewarm buys.  I know I do.  Now come here and scratch my back.  Lower.  Lower.  Wait, where were we?  Oh, yeah, Miranda.  The D-Backs released Branyan and are giving Miranda room to sink or swim.  He was swimming before he was hit by the pitch.  He should be back in the pool soon.

Ryan Ludwick – Sorry, having a hard time finding something nice to say, but he’s been hitting recently.

Josh Reddick – I just went over him this morning.  If you scroll with your right finger, your left will get jealous.

Nolan Reimold – I did used to love Reimold.  Thanks for asking, long time reader of Razzball.  Right now, I’m still smarting from how many times he’s burned me, but I’m willing to apply an ointment and try him one more time.

Mike Morse – Some of these waiver wire pick ups are, to misquote Wilco, “It’s a war on bore, it’s a war on bore, it’s a war on bore…”  I mean, Ludwick?  Really?  But not Morse.  He actually has the potential to break out and be a contributor for the rest of the season.  I’d grab him across all leagues.

Mike Moustakas – Big voice, “I’ll tell you what, those Royals are gonna be incredible!”  Small voice, “In, like, two years if everything breaks the right way.”

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – He’s due back in a week or two.  When he first signed in the states, here’s what I said, “(He) hit .346 last year and the first player in the Pacific League to get 200 hits since Ichiro.  He also hit 11 homers and stole 22 bases.  Before last year though, he hit .260 with 14 homers and 26 steals.  You’d take that at middle infield and like it.  Only problem is sometimes things get lost in translation.  Kaz Matsui hit .332 with 36 homers and 33 steals when he was a 26-year-old in Japan.  We all know how well he turned out in the States.  So will Nishioka be great in his first year or will he look like he’s fresh off the bloat?”  And that’s me quoting me!  Assuming his speed isn’t hurt by the injury, I’d stash him now.

Eric Young Jr. – The Rockies designated Jose Lopez for assignment.  That assignment was to stop sucking.  Good luck!  The Rockies matched that ‘making sense’ move with another I’m fond of.  The recall of Eric Young Jr.  I tried to grab him in every league, but 9 out of ten fantasy baseball ‘perts beat me to it and I only got him in one league.  I suggest you grab him everywhere, because at MI it’s kinda nice to have a guy that can steal 35 bases in three-quarters of the season.

Rubby de la Rosa – Could see some Dodger saves, and he sounds like a Venezuelan masseuse.  I say buy and you say how much!  Or you just say “No, I’m not in an NL-Only league or that desperate for saves.”

Jon Rauch/Octavio Dotel – SAGNOF!

Grant Balfour – Not only was he just terrific on Melrose Place, but he’s getting saves in Oakland.  It’s called SAGNOF and it sounds just as it’s spelled.

Jonathan Lucroy – He used to play for the Ragin Cajuns and he’s striking out at a high rate.  I will call him, The K’ing of Mardi Gras.   Also, he’s getting lucky with balls in play and he doesn’t have big power, but he is currently hitting, so there’s that.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Has 4 homers in his last 6 starts.  Unfortunately, that’s over 11 days because Tito’s playing Jason Varitek like he’s on a farewell tour.  I’d call the tour, This Is Shit.

SELL

Asdrubal Cabrera – Said a’la Duffman, “Not.  The.  Drubal.”  Said a’la Cher from Clueless, “As…DRUBAL!”  I have much love for Asdrubal.  He’s so money that money borrows money from him.  But, I mean, c’mon.  He has 10 homers already and he’s the fifth best hitter for all of fantasy, according to ESPN’s Player Rater.  There’s no way he comes anywhere near this pace.  If he only got to 17 homers on the year, it wouldn’t surprise me.  I’m not saying sell him for a pair of Champion shorts that lost their drawstring, but I’d explore options.  His value will never be higher.

Josh Tomlin – Aw, man, no offense to the Indians, but Tomlin has a 4.53 K/9 and is leaving men on at a 85% rate.  Those numbers don’t jive with his ERA.

Kyle Lohse – Looking at his photo, don’t you picture a minituare Fred Astaire standing on his lips, leaning against his upside down, umbrella-shaped facial hair like in Singin’ In The Rain?  Okay, maybe it’s a mirage.  Kinda like his insanely low ERA.

BUY

Justin Turner – I’d have no interest in him if he didn’t have 2nd base eligibility.  How’s that for a hard sell?  Or is it a hard Buy?  Or maybe it’s a soft Buy…

Elliot Johnson – He sounds like a Vice President candidate from the early 1900s.  Elliot Johnson is a firm believer in woman suffrage.   Hopefully Nucky backs him.  It feels like the middle of the Rays infield is a black hole for upside.  Hey, is that Reid Brignac floating past the Russian space station?  Way to reach your potential!  Johnson has decent speed (~25 speed potential over a full season) and some light power.

Jason Bartlett – Speaking of black holes, it’s the Padres offense!  “I’ve been hitting the ball well for the last ten days.”  That’s a Bartlett quotation.

Carlos Pena – He’s over the ESPN ownership threshold that I usually look for (50% owned), but, even in ESPN leagues where the majority of the leagues are one owner with ten aliases, Pena should be owned more than he is.

Eric Hinske – This is the type of player I don’t like telling people to pickup outside of deep NL-Only leagues because at any moment he’ll either go back to the bench or start sucking from the suckhole.

Brandon Belt – He should be back any day (week?) now.  As we saw on his first trip through the majors, there’s no guarantee on how he’ll perform, but he should be better than he was.

Scott Rolen – You know what Scott Rolen is?  Gritty!  He’s cut from a different cloth than today’s players.  And he seems like a total douche.  While he’s healthy, I’d grab him.  He’s usually good for a short term add.

Rafael Furcal – He should be back within a week, so that puts his next DL-stint ETA at around three weeks from now.  Any the hoo!  You should own him while he’s playing (assuming you don’t have one of around 20 middle infielders that are better and/or less injury-prone).

Laynce Nix – He’s hitting around .400 over the least week.  Him and his brother, Jayson, tend to get hot for about one week a year.  Usually they’re pretty layme.  “I’m gonna make you eat that mustache of yours!” That’s their drunk, unemployed brother, Jaymes, prank calling me.

Corey Patterson – Started with Justin Turner Overdrive and now we’re talking about Corey “I could easily go 0-for-35 at any moment” Patterson.  This Buy post is a barn burner like the posse searching for John Wilkes Booth.

Roger Bernadina – I feel like I’ve heard his name somewhere before… Let me check my Memento-style tattoos:  1. Talk about Bernadina.  2. On Razzball.  3. There’s no 3.

Eric Thames – Don’t you wanna call him Ericus Thames?  Hey, maybe it’s just me!  He put up some pretty spectacular numbers in the PCL, but, as we all know, hitting in the PCL is like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat.  Thames still has pop… Jose Bautista, “Call me Dad.”  Um, okay, Bautista.  If I were in an AL-Only league, I’d grab Thames for a little HBI (Hot Bat Injection), but he’ll probably strike out a ton and I’d hold for now in mixed leagues.

Domonic Brown – He’s going to get called up within the next two weeks.  Or my name is not Grey “I’ll Admit To Seeing Brian Setzer In Concert…Once!” Albright.

Matt Guerrier/Kenley Jansen – See this morning’s post, it can be found in less than one mouse click.  Good luck!

Fernando Salas – Looks to be locked in as Cards closer, which, obviously, means he could get replaced by Sunday.

Wilton Lopez – Melancon is good to poop on, I wouldn’t even waste my waste on Lyon and Lopez is buried in the bullpen of a team that doesn’t win.  It’s not great, but that’s why they call it SAGNOF.

Jamey Wright – SAGNOF!

Jake Arrieta – People are starting to catch on at ESPN that Arrieta should be owned, so be careful because that means he’s due for an explosion like you after a meal at El Torito.

SELL

Josh Johnson – No, don’t trade him for an autographed picture of Phyllis Diller.  But, yeah, I don’t like his injury history and he just had a forearm issue.  Everyone is saying he’s fine, and I believe them.  That still doesn’t mean another injury isn’t right around the corner.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper puts his pants on like everyone else.  One leg at a time.  Only he pulls a hamstring when he does it.  I’d drop him in most mixed leagues.

Justin Morneau – Hit his 2nd home run yesterday.  As Arnold used to say about his lover, “I love four baggers.”  We all do, Arnie.  But Morneau still doesn’t look right.  He’s too skinny.  Is he prepping a model chic look for Milan?  He looks malnourished like you should be sending a dollar a month to Minnesota to get him clean water and a bowl of rice.  I don’t know if his concussion led him to a diet of raw foods and Master Cleanses but something is up.  That’s between me, you and the guy behind you who’s photocopying his hand while he reads over your shoulder.  So you parlay this  “Morneau is back after his home run!” chatter and see if you can pawn him off for anything to another owner.  Now is your time to sell– nay, it’s your duty to act.  Go forth, young, socially awkward man and prosper!

BUY

Julio Borbon – Was moved to the top of the order in Texas.  You know why?  Cause Ron Washington is mixing things up!  “How much powdered sugar are you putting on your donuts?”  “That’s not powdered sugar…I’m mixing things up!”  That’s Ron in other aspects of his life.

Domonic Brown – He was in last week’s Buy column, he’ll be in next week’s and every week until he’s called up.  That is my promise to you, now buy American!

Roger Bernadina – He’s been doing a whole lot of bupkis since he got called up, but for his upside I’m giving him another week.  Now get hot you schmohawk!

Mark Trumbo – Maybe the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County shouldn’t have took Trumbo’s doctor recommendation for Kendrys.  Never the hoo!  Pitch a tent in the middle of your fantasy lineup for Trumboner.

Anthony Rizzo – I’m Anthony Rizzo, jerky!  He has 10 homers in 31 games in Triple-A, so I don’t think Petco is going to kill his power completely.  For now, I’d just grab him in NL-Only leagues.

Danny Valencia – More of a very deep, short-term add because he doesn’t have enough power to really get the blood flowing.

Mark Melancon – He sounds like a comedian/ventriloquist who plays in an Indian casino.  Speaking of which, my friend recently went out with a puppeteer.  I told him to ask her if he can try and move her mouth by putting his hand up her–  Wait, this is a family show.  Um, Melancon, yeah, he should be getting saves for the time being.

Vicente Padilla – No, I can’t believe I keep recommending Padilla for pick up.  Yes, it is weird.  Yes, I am reading your mind’s eye for questions you have.  No, you shouldn’t have Chipotle for lunch.  You had that yesterday.

Eduardo Sanchez – SAGNOF!

Jake Arrieta – In his 2nd start of the year vs. the Rangers, he gave up 8 runs in 3 1/3 IP.  He bounced back from that mugging like Bernie Goetz.  In all other games, his ERA 2.14.  Zoinks!

Travis Wood – Should be owned.  Don’t believe me today?  Go back and read what Yesterday Grey had to say.  Yesterday Grey, “Do your own work, man.”

James McDonald – There’s certain players that make it seem like I’m higher on them than I am because they’re never owned but should be, forcing me to talk about them a lot.  That doesn’t mean they should be owned over say Kuroda.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Hedge All Bets in Regards to Picking Up McDonald.

Chris Iannetta – Ever notice Italians seem to catch more than any other position?  Berra, Piazza, Torre, Girardi, Garagiola, Campanella (half), Lo Duca, Napoli, Iannetta, Sal Fasano…  My theory is because Italians like to be in charge and what better way to control the game than from the catching position.  Or maybe it’s because they all enjoy eating so they like it behind the plate.  As for Iannetta, he’s hitting so ride the green, white and red lightning.

Scott Sizemore – He’s not exactly lighting the world on fire…Shoot, he’s not even sparking a match over a stack of dry newspapers.  (For our 18 to 25-year-old demographic, newspapers were regularly scheduled publications containing news of current events, informative articles, diverse features and advertising.  Thanks, Wikipedia!)  Sizemore is still a solid upside MILF (Middle Infielder I’d Like to take a Flyer on).

SELL

Ryan Roberts – Hey, you guys had a good couple of weeks.  Friend him on Facebook so you guys can keep in touch and drop him.

Jason Bay – Other than Reyes and Wright, I’m not a huge fan of the Mets hitters (or pitchers for that matter).  I’ve been called names for expressing yawnstipation for Ike Davis.  Some of those names were accurate.  I am gooftarded from time to time.  Still, potatoes to chips, old Bay isn’t helping any fantasy teams reach its full flavor potential.

Jeff Francoeur – I wouldn’t drop Frenchy outright, but right now he’s sandwiched between A-Gon and Miguel Cabrera on ESPN’s Player Rater.  That’s as good as it baguettes for Frenchy.  You should see what you can get in a trade before his average drops out and he stops hitting Freedom Flies.

Gaby Sanchez – He (she?) is batting .336 and just came off a home run binge (binger!).  It’s nice, huh?  You should go to a Marlins game (if you can get seats — real hot ticket!), sit in the first row and blow kisses to Gaby.  He (she?) will like that.  He’s still around a 20 homer, .275 hitter.  I wouldn’t trade him for a You Can’t Do That On Television autographed cast photo, but I’d explore options.