BUY

Edwin Encarnacion – Need a guy that won’t run out a pop up?  Looking to fill your team with lollygaggers?  No need to look further!  For a limited time only, Encarnacion is batting third and hitting .400 over the last week.

Matt Thornton/Octavio Dotel/Scott Linebrink – Octatt Thornbrink, or some combination there within will get Sox saves.

Hank Blalock – Scroll down to morning post.  Go ahead, move your mouse.

Martin Prado – Ah… What to say?  Seriously, what?  He’s been hot recently (over .500 in the last week).  You need more?

Jody Gerut – Batting .500 over the last week with 3 homers.  His name doesn’t seem so girly now does it?  Okay, but not as girly as Suzy.

Every Padres Pitcher – They’re home for the final week.  Stock up!

Brian Duensing – Next week, he gets the Tigers and probably (teams’ final pitching schedules are iffy) the Royals.  He has an under 1 ERA vs. the Tigers in two games and the Royals’ bats have chlamydia.

Wade Davis – Gets the Orioles and the Yankees in the final game of the season.  He doesn’t come without risk, but crossing the street comes with risk, especially in New Delhi.

Rafael Furcal - About time.

Ronnie Belliard – Hitting for average, light power and speed and playing over Orlando Hudson.  Actually, Freddy Sanchez and Orlando Hudson should just start their own team.  The Dirty Hudsons.  They can play in Weehawken overlooking the grand Hudson River.  Instead of The Splash Zone, they can have The Rash Zone.

SELL

Ian Kinsler – Yay, he played more than 120 games.  Not well, unfortunately.  In September, he ran out of gas like OPEC in 2078. (Figures courtesy of Al Gore.)

David Wright – You’d think I didn’t like the Mets the way I’m pushing people to lose Beltran and Wright.  Not true.  Just this year.  Now to go along with Wright’s warning track power, he’s saying he’s scared coming to the plate because of Post-Plunking on the Head Syndrome.  Hopefully, he can get over this by next year, but for the final week I’d look elsewhere if there’s other options.

Chipper Jones – Seriously, drop him.

Any Pitcher That Has Pitched Their Last Game – Even if you’re simply putting in a middle reliever.  It’s do or die time, fellas (and two girl readers).  I’d wish you good luck, but luck’s for beginners and the leprechauns, use your skills!

BUY

Juan Francisco – If I had to take a wild guess, I think Francisco will (try to) man the hot corner in the 2nd half of 2010 after the Reds unload Rolen for spare parts.  I say (try to) because Dusty doesn’t always play rookies.  Also, Francisco’s no guarantee.  He feels a bit to me like Troy Glaus, or even Chris Davis without the Bill James-inspired optimism, i.e., he strikes out nearly once per game and doesn’t walk enough.  He could provide some pop in deep NL-Only keepers.  This isn’t for you, mixed leaguers.

Robinson Tejeda – Wouldn’t be surprised if February Grey has nice things to say about Tejeda.

Ryan Rowland-Smith – He’s been good for a while now.  Like, the whole season.  So is Rowland his maiden name?

Vicente Padilla – After you read Uribe and now Padilla, I’m sure many of you are going to skim the rest of the post.  I don’t blame you.

Kevin Jepsen – SAGNOF!

Dan Wheeler – Could be the closer, but the Rays haven’t had a save since August.  It’s kinda not worth it, but if you’re in a pinch then I’d look at Wheeler since Maddon has said Howell and Balfour are on restrictions (bed by 9, no carbs and a low pitch count) for the rest of the season.

Matt LaPorta – Look at his last week of stats.  Yes, the MLP Package is finally on.

Drew Stubbs – Showing a bunch of power for a guy who looks like he wouldn’t be able to open the pickle jar.

Casey Blake – Currently murdering the ball like his brother, Robert… Well, you get it.

Brett Gardner – The Yankees are coasting into the ‘offs and Gardner could see an increase in playing time.  That means steals.

Kaz Matsui – Obviously, he’s the less glamorous of the Matsuis (Matsuii?) with a markedly smaller porn collection — buy at least a raincoat, man — but no hitter has been hotter over the past week.

Cliff Pennington – Batting near .400 over the last week with a homer and a steal.  And he sounds like a villain from an 80s movie — You spilled beer on my Izod!

Nick Swisher – Nick, your sideburns were just a crutch. Thank you, random italicized voice!

SELL

Yovani Gallardo – If you’re moving in the Tejedas and Uribes, you need to make room.  Gallardo is getting shutdown.  But he doesn’t wanna!  Yeah, that’s nice.  He should’ve been shut down a month ago.  Now I’m worried about him for next year because of all of his innings this year.  See, now you done worried me.

Chipper Jones – Lose the Glass Chipper.

B.J. Upton – Who’s the Boss?  Apparently, not the Bossman.

Rich Harden – Hasn’t been good recently and now he’s getting skipped.  I’m sure there’s better options out there.

Josh Hamilton – I don’t enjoy being right when I say a player is going to fail and they do.  Okay, let me rephrase that.  I do enjoy being right when I say someone is going to fail and they do.  There, that’s better.

Psyche!  Before we get to the Buy/Sell, just wanted to remind people that Fantasy Football has a fire going.  So, if you like, take your marshmallows over there.

BUY

Marlon Byrd – Batting over .500 for the last week.  More than that, he has 17 homers and 8 steals on the year while batting .287.  Yeah, he’s outperforming Carlos Beltran.  How’s dem apples?  Sour?  Ryght?

Seth Smith – Another guy that is outperforming Beltran on the year.  Weird game we got here, fellas (and two girl readers).  In the beginning of the year if you would’ve told me I’d be better off drafting Seth Smith than Beltran in the 2nd round, I would’ve punched you in the nose.  No apology either.  Just a nod telling you you had it coming.  Smith’s time may get bushwhacked a bit by Fowler, but with the way Smith’s hitting, I think the Rox work him in.

Carlos Gonzalez – Let’s all just own Rockies, shall we?  I like that idea.  The nice thing about CarGo (take that, Carlos Gomez!) is that even when he’s not hitting homers, he’s stealing bases.  Aim to please, that’s CarGo’s MotTo.

Ian Desmond – Scroll down to the last post to see what I had to say about him.  Go ahead, we’ll wait.  This is, after all, all about you.

Juan Gutierrez – Gutierrez is the closer.  Not officially maybe.  Or maybe officially.  What, you need a letter from the Queen of England?  He’s getting saves.  That’s all that matters.  How is he only owned in 6% of ESPN leagues?  If you give me your password, I’ll pick him up for you.

Ryan Madson – In the past, Madson hasn’t been great in the closer role, which leads me to…

Brett Myers – He can sneak in and grab a few saves.  Upwards to 4 saves.  Enticing, eh?  Almost as enticing as having your girlfriend meet a drunk Brett Myers at a bar.  I don’t think the closerousel in Philly will be nearly as clear cut as some might think, but there’s so little time left, any of these guys could run with the job for a few weeks.  How’s that for hedging bets?

Mike Gonzalez – Saves in Hotlanta could be a Mike G. Joint.

Madison Bumgarner – In keepers, you own him.  In other leagues, it’s doubtful he sees another start.

Wade Davis – The Rays decided they were better off with Davis over Sonnanstine.  Rookie nookie is alive and well in Tampa.  Our weather is as humid as our pitchers! What are you talking about?  Never you mind.  Friends of the random italicized voice will appreciate it. Wade Davis is still capable of being mollywhopped so if you can’t handle that caveat, do what you do.

Brandon Morrow – Very few starters are coming into the league right now with potential.  Mostly, you’re relying on matchups at this time of the year.  Build up complete.  Brandon Morrow’s back in the rotation.

Eric Young Jr. – I’m warning you now.  This winter will be The Winter of Eric Young Jr. (patent pending).

Michael Brantley – If you’re the kind of guy who paints a face on fruit right before you bite it just to show you’re in charge, then you know what I’m going to say, because I’m that guy too.  Brantley = SAGNOF!

SELL

Carlos Beltran – It was nice that you held onto him through his lengthy DL stint.  Loyalty!  You’ll make a good husband one day.  But just because he’s back, doesn’t mean he’s back back.  He’s still in the cavernous Metco for his home games and it could take a week or two for him to get up to speed.  You have time to wait for him?  Then throw in his knee might hinder his running game.  If you’re in a deep league, I can understand holding him and hoping for the best.  But if there’s guys on waivers, I’d lose Ricky from My So Called Life.

Brad Hawpe – I told you to sell him in June when he was still hitting.  He really hasn’t hit much since then.  You can’t play these vets who aren’t producing just because you wrote, “I Heart Hawpe,” all over your Trapper Keeper.

Joba Chamberlain – I understand you’re a fan of a descendants of much-maligned British Prime Ministers, but he’s pitching three innings at a time.  And not even pitching them very well.

B.J. Upton – Ankle flare ups are hindering his running game.  Being sucky flare ups are hindering everything else.

BUY

Brad Penny – For Christmas, I want a Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!  But I’ll settle for pitching in the NL.

Barry Zito – No, anyone but Zito! Has a 1.92 ERA since the ASB.  But please keep in mind his last blow out was a 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER game vs. the Padres.  So at any time, at any place he could say to you he just ran over your dog, Arfer Woofruff.

Brian Duensing/Jeff Manship – Why doesn’t Manship give his name a LaRoche-type flair?  A’la ManShip.  Much better, right?  Then DuenSing… Well, that kinda looks like an Asian prison name.  These guys may burn you like chlamydia, but if you need to take match-up chances with AL pitchers, I’d take them here.

Buster Posey – This is more about keepers.  Not girls that can tell you Carney Lansford’s career batting average.  Fantasy baseball keepers.

Wade Davis – Same as above.  Go ahead, shift your eyes up.  Too lazy?  Okay.  I’d only go after Davis in keepers.  Or, of course, AL-Only leagues.

Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 2 ER.  (<–Probable pitching line)  Act like you know, MC Lyte.

Franklin Morales – Huston Street’s MIA for a few days, giving way to Morales.

Phil Hughes – If Mariano has to miss time to prep for the playoffs, Hughes would probably get the majority of the saves.

Juan Gutierrez – SAGNOF!  I’d even grab Zavada and Vasquez in leagues where I’m really hurting for saves.

Brett Myers – I see Myers getting up to 3 saves in September, so think about how bad you need those 3 saves.

Brandon Allen – Strictly for power and in deep leagues.  He hit two homers in the last week and a third was robbed by Andre Ethier’s Mom’s son.

Casey McGehee – 3 HRs and 9 RBIs in the last four games.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t steal any bases, but if you need MI pop, there ya go.

Felix Pie – I’ve mentioned him so much in the last few days, I got Pee-ay coming out my ears.  If you haven’t heard me mention him, where ya been?  Vacay?  That’s nice.  Hope you SPF’d the proper areas.  Skin damage is only cool when you’re under 25.

Andy Marte – Loving me some Marte in some leagues.  Why, Grey?  Do tell, you *pinkie to mouth* Smarte. Sure, random italicized voice.  3 homers in the last 7 games for Marte.  Added bonus:  No relation to Damaso.

Yunel Escobar – Batting near .400 in the last week with two homers.  He goes hot to cold quickly, so grab him no or forever hold your peace.  Or piece, if you’re gangsta.

Michael Brantley – My ‘pert radar is telling me Sizemore’s not long for this season.  Brantley’s got speed.  SAGNOF!

Drew Stubbs – He should only be steals, but he’s been showing power.  The power will stop, the Ks and steals will begin.  Any day now, Annie Potts.

Rajai Davis – He’s only listed here because he’s owned in less than 30% of ESPN leagues.  Why is he owned in less than 30% of ESPN leagues?!  Seriously.  He had 15 steals in August and he’s batting near .400 in the last week.

Matt Diaz – It’s Dye-as.  Lefty killer.  Lately, slaughtering both sides.  Anyone who’s read this site for a long time knows that I’ve always liked Diaz as a platoon outfielder. (Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Kinda like I’ve been doing with David Murphy and The Big FraGu in one league.)  Really Diaz should be in your lineup vs. everyone until further notice.

SELL

Homer Bailey – Love to be the bearer of good news, but I don’t have any good news for you.  I have bad news.  Bad, unfortunate, sad news.  Bailey has three solid starts in a row, but two were against the Pirates.  If you have to take chances, I kinda understand it.  But Bailey gets the Rockies then the Cubs.  Don’t mind if I don’t.

Brian Matusz/Chris Tillman – Headed for Camp Shutdown.

Kyle Davies – Has back-to-back wins that have netted him a 2.25 ERA and 11 Ks in 12 innings.  Sounds nice, right?  One was vs. the A’s and one was against the M’s.

Adam Jones – Jones is done-zo.

Josh Willingham – Lately, he looks likes the one-tool outfielder he’s always been.

BUY

Jack Cust – Wait, I know a better title for this post, “How To Bore The Crap Out Of Your Readers With Boring Ass Names?” Random italicized voice, you seem like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulders.  No, not at all. Oh, okay.  So Cust may be boring, but when do I tell you to pick up Cust?  Maybe twice a year?  This is one of those times.  (Sidenote:  When I was seven years old, I kept bugging my grandparents to take me to see the hookers in New York because I wanted to see if they really had hooks.  So we go down a street in pre-Giuliani New York filled with prostitutes.  Of course, my grandparents, being the first generation of ridiculous — me being the 3rd, pull up to a prostitute to ask her to show me her hook.  As soon as the window goes down, the prostitute says to my grandfather regarding my grandmother, “Dump the b**ch and make the switch.” Ah, yes, memories.)  To tie it back in, dump Dye and switch to Cust.

Julio Borbon/Chris Davis – Hank Blalock’s loss is Chris Davis and Julio Borbon’s gain.  For Borbon, SAGNOF!  For Davis, pray for less Ks and more power.

Jonathan Sanchez – If you throw out May and June when Sanchez was dirty, and only count the other months when he was filthy, he has a sub-3 ERA.

Scott Podsednik – Never been a big fan of Podsednik’s (though his wife is hot as dog balls), but he’s been terrific just about the whole season.  He’s giving you a poor man’s Victorino right now.  I will call you Feign Victorino.

John Smoltz – Wasn’t that long ago I was pretty down on Smoltz.  Hey, it’s a fantasy baseball ‘pert’s prerogative to change his mind.  Smoltz has a real nice schedule ahead and supposedly Carpenter spotted how he was tipping his pitches.

Leo Nunez – He’s been getting saves for 2 months now.  He’s owned in only 19% of ESPN leagues.  Finally, we figure out how many ESPN leagues have been abandoned.

Eric Young Jr. – SAGNOF!

Tim Hudson – Will return on Monday.  I went over him in this morning’s post.  Go ahead and scroll down.  I’ll wait.  *taps finger, sips water, burps*  Hey, there you are!  Okay, now lower your eyes to the next line.  Lower… Lower… You’re still reading this line.

J.P. Wheelerfour – The Rays have very little room for error.  If Howell continues to blow games, someone will be called in to replace him.  Unfortunately, it’s not clear cut who that somebody will be.

Ryan Roberts – Besides sounding like someone who got their start in the talkies, Roberts has been on fire recently.  Batting near .450 in the last week.

Michael Aubrey – Those Orioles always needing an Aubrey!  Michael Aubrey’s been diddling himself for years in the minors, but the Orioles are giving him time vs. righties.  I wouldn’t pick him up in mixed leagues, but in AL-Only leagues I’d take a flier.

Brandon Allen – Brandon Allen’s giving you his guarantee or your money back!!!  I like Allen better than Aubrey by a lot, but I’m still not crazy for him in mixed leagues.  I also went over him in the September call ups post-a-ma-whoosies.

SELL

Johan Santana – If he’s still owned in your league, your league has an absentee owner.  Send that absentee owner an email telling them they suck.

Charlie Haeger – I hate knuckleballers.  The pitch is too unpredictable for even the pitcher.  At any moment, he could give you a roofie shellacking.  So I won’t own Haeger. But he does have a decent matchup next.  If you have room for risk, do what you do.

Chipper Jones – 420 at-bats.  What is the type of at-bats Adam Jones has right after smoking a bowl? No, good guess though.  It’s the over/under for Chipper this year.  He’s at 381.  So do you think he can hit 15 homers in the next 40 ABs that he’ll spread out over the course of a month?  Or do you think you can find someone more valuable on waivers?  This has a lot to do with your league, but Chipper’s struggling with a wrist injury and could be on the DL by September 15th.  So it might be time to lose the glass Chipper in ten team leagues.

Aaron Poreda – I’m crazy for HodgePadres, what can I say?  Actually, I just said it.  But even I’d be careful with Poreda.  In NL-Only leagues, yes, please.  Elsewhere, maybe home matchups.

Madison Bumgarner – Scouting the Unknown broke down, Madison Bumgarner.  Bumgarner will be one of those adds that everyone does and just about everyone regrets (this year).  Though I am prepping a giggle for when Bumgarner attacks Pujols with his number 2.

Tim Hudson – I heard this kid’s got good stuff.  Hope his call up goes smoothly, he might have a nice career ahead of him. /sarcasm

David Purcey – Blech.

Carlos Carrasco – I was bonkers for him in the preseason.  That’s the drawback to working without a net in December.  Carrasco’s hype I extolled was obviously a year too early.  Don’t worry, I’m go crazy for him again this offseason.  You’ve been caveated.

Hector Rondon – Is Wedge trying to get fired?  Are the Indians trying to lose?  Heffin’ hey in the screw hole, bring up Rondon and see what he can do.  Cause right now he do what he do and he do it in Triple A.  Over a 9 K/9 and under a 2 BB/9, which comes out to 42 Ks to 7 walks.

Wade Davis – For a while he looked better than David Price, then for a while he stopped striking out hitters.  And both “whiles” came in the minors, so there will be some growing pains, Kirk Cameron.

Dana Eveland – Had a long look last year and pitched well enough for AL-Only leagues.  Might have some matchup value in September.

Brandon Morrow – Not a rookie, but I think he can make a nice fantasy impact in September.  Worth grabbing in all leagues.

Todd Wellemeyer – He wasn’t that great when he was already in the majors.

Daniel McCutchen – What’s the chances the Pirates have another fantasy-worthwhile McCutchen?  Okay, combine those odds with the chances the Pirates have a worthwhile pitcher.

Jason Heyward – I could shave words of praise in my merkin for Heyward, but it probably won’t do us any good.  If Heyward gets called up, he probably won’t have that large of a role in September.

Mat Gamel – He should be the every day 3rd baseman in Milwaukee in September.  At worse, he plays every day vs. righties.  He’ll be worth an immediate pickup in all leagues for a shot of adrenaline to your fantasy baseball heart.  Speaking of which, Inglourious Basterds… I was kinda bored.  Maybe it was my mood.  Not sure.  Just got sick of looking at slow push-ins.

Kila Ka’aihue – I was actually looking forward to the Hawaiia’an mash machine’s call up last November.  How’s that for prescience!

Jeff Clement – Oh, just call him up already, Pirates.  What are you waiting for?  2012?  He deserves to be up already and given a long look.

Buster Posey – Probably will see some time… In spring training.

Justin Smoak – Was broken down by Scouting the Unknown.  Smoak’s another guy I don’t think we see this year.

Chris Heisey – Should get the call up by the Reds.  Or not!  This is for the Reds to decide.  He has moderate speed and power.  Think 12/12.  In one month, think 3/3.  So, eh.  But keepers should stay alert.

Cameron Maybin – You need to put aside the differences you guys had back in April.  Maybin’s worth look in 12 team, mixed leagues if/when he gets his September call up.

Eric Young Jr. – If you need steals in NL-Only leagues, stash him immediately.  Also, Barmes may lose significant time.

Brandon Allen – Besides sounding like a furniture store, he has good power, has already been called up and has a legit shot of seeing a lot of time at first for the Diamondbacks in September.

Tyler Flowers – Sticking with the mall store names, Flowers may get called up in September, but his role will be limited like cumin in chili.

Jeff Larish – Yo, 70’s Bowie was Larish!  Wait, that’s not right.  Jeff Larish is an all power, heavy K 1st baseman.  He probably won’t see much playing time if he’s called up.  And he’s androgynous.

Krispie Young – Now there’s a hot rookie name!

Chris Davis – With the Rangers in the hunt, I doubt they give Davis the requisite at-bats he’ll need to continue his assault on the all-time strikeout record.  Though he’s capable of a huge month, so it’s worth a flier.

Brandon Wood – Yeah, Scioscia will play him.  And in other news, water is dry.

Austin Jackson – For all of youse out there with Don Mattingly pillow cases and “Jeter’s My Homeboy” t-shirts don’t do it. Put down Jackson for this year.

BUY

Matt LaPorta – The MLP Package is on in Cleveland.  Now it’s up to LaPorta to make it watchable.

Drew Stubbs – Has great speed and BBQ.

Kyle Blanks – For power, you could do worse.  Fun fact about Kyle Blanks, every year for Halloween, he dresses as Michael Clarke Duncan and he wears no costume.

Julio Borbon – Great, terrific, wonderful.  All signs pointing to fantastic.  Could win Player of the Week.  Has a long way to go to being worthwhile for an extended period of time, but while he’s hot, grab him.

Carlos Gonzalez – We’re all gonna go blind if I keep flagellating Carlos Gonzalez.

Rajai Davis – SAGNOF!  I’m only mentioning him again, because he’s still only owned in 25% of ESPN leagues.  Even if 75% of ESPN leagues are abandoned… Wait, does that means he’s 100% owned?  Hmm… Color me confused.

Bronson Arroyo – He’s had one bad start since the All-Star Break.  That is all.

Billy Wagner – Lukewarm buy here.  If you really need saves, okay.  But he needs to not only get dealt, but he needs to end up on a team where he’ll be getting saves.

Mark Ellis – Picking up Mark Ellis and an orangutan couldn’t even get Jane Goodall’s nipples hard, but Ellis has been hot and he has 2nd base eligibility, so there.

Jeff Baker – I almost went with the title, The Fabulous Baker Boy and Jeff Baker as the lead.  Jeff Baker?  Boy, perhaps.  Fabulous?  Seems to be overselling him.  Wow, this is already shaping up to be a major sell on this buy.  So what can we expect of Jeff Baker?  He has great eligibility!  How’s that for a buy?  He has good pop that never fully materialized in Colorado.  So now it’s going to materialize? Yeah, I know what you’re saying.  He hit 20+ homers in his last full year of Triple-A.  He also has ten steal speed over an entire season.  Right now, he’s the Cubs starting 2nd baseman.  So if you need some pop from your MI slot, Baker’s worth a look.

SELL

Aubrey Huff – I didn’t like him at all in the preseason.  Then when he was terrible, I looked at his 2nd half splits.  Splits, indeed.  But like Biff Tannen, make like a banana.   I’m done ever liking him.

Brett Anderson/Trevor Cahill -  Way over their innings.  Beane needs to either shut them down or trade them for seven first round picks.

David Price – Another guy that’s pushing the limits of what a young pitcher should throw.  Murmurs say Sonnanstine will be taking over Price’s rotation spot in September.  Murmurs also say, the guy on Megan Wants a Millionaire is a murderer, but I really want to see the rest of the season.  C’mon, VH1!  This could be the best TV ever.  He goes to open a wine bottle and you try to imagine what he’s thinking about holding a corkscrew.

Ryan Doumit – I preach patience with catchers relying on the Ron Popeil, “Set It and Forget It” method.  I’m going to make an exception for Doumit because he’s been terrible.  Even the Pirates have noticed his egregiousness and moved him down the order.  When the Pirates are moving guys down the order, it’s time to abandon ship.

Hiroki Kuroda – Regarding his concussion, he said through a translator, “The first two days I had a hard time sleeping and I even had a dream about getting hit.”  The translator was Nicole Kidman.  Weird!

Travis Hafner – At this point, the only advantage to owning Hafner would be to use his head to crack open walnuts.

BUY

Gil Meche – Here’s the kind of pitcher I’ll take a flier on for a 5th to 6th starter in leagues over the random Texas Rangers rookie starter of the day.  If you ignore two terrible starts from Meche out of his last ten starts, he has a 2.66 ERA.  Sure, it’s cherrypicking stats, but it’s my blog so there.

Chris Coghlan – I’ve been remiss in not mentioning Coghlan much, but he’s yawnstipating to me outside of OBP leagues.  Rocks solid eligibility, but even when he’s hot he has very mild power and some speed he doesn’t like to show.  *removing my chewed-up cigar*  It’s the bigs, kid.  Show your speed.

Alcides Escobar – SAGNOF!  Don’t expect much else unless your league credits secondary characters in Medellin.

Cliff Pennington – Isn’t this the guy who told me flip-flips weren’t appropriate footwear for the country club? No, random italicized voice.  This is the guy who’s currently hitting way over his head, but has some speed and plays middle infield.  I think he’s the guy at the country club too.

Carlos Gonzalez – CarGo is a pending trademark by Carlos Gomez, so I’m not sure we can use it for him.  Then again, Carlos Gomez may have let that lapse, like he let his career.  Carlos Gonzalez is not without his caveats, Latin Americans.  He usually only plays vs. righties.

Randy Ruiz – I don’t actually own this random outfielder schmohawk behind door number three, but I do like saying his name… Randy Ruiz, Randy Ruiz, Randy Ruiz…

Alex Gonzalez – The Sawx finally figured out their shortstop shituation.  Gonzalez isn’t worth grabbing in mixed leagues unless you’re in dire need of power at MI, but I’d grab him in an AL-Only league.

Wladimir Balentien – Transylvania’s number one son is hitting near .400 in his last 7 games, and he’s been playing nearly every day.  The average will come down, but his power could explode.  In NL-Only leagues, he should be owned.  Mixed leagues, I’d wait and see.

Trent Oeltjen – If you don’t own Oeltjen, it means you probably have some sense in your head.  I, on the other hand, lack sense.  I own him so many places it’s kinda embarrassing.  I might need utility scab rehab after the season. It would be me and five fat guys in a room talking about how we dropped Dexter Fowler after a 3-for-30 slump only to watch him steal 4 bases in his next 7 games.  Just us, and coffee, cigarettes, a bowl of assorted jellybeans that all taste like the black ones, an assortment of Danish Cookies and WD-40, because of its multi-purpose eligibility.  Yes, I’ve given this too much thought.

SELL

Junichi Tazawa – Solid Sawx prospect.  Just like they said about Buchholz, Masterson, Bard….  Wait, no, he’s a solid import like they said about Dice-K.  He’s also about 15 points short of Javier Vazquez in Scrabble.  He’ll be good in a year or two, I wouldn’t own him in non-keepers this year.

Nate McLouth – McLousy.

Vernon Wells – This isn’t a sell as much as a drop, and this isn’t for just Vernon Wells.  This is for all the guys that are currently owned because their name says they should be.  Vernon Wells hasn’t been good in a while.  Was he solid then?  Yeah, and maybe one day you’ll be sitting behind Vernon and his grandkids in a Friendly’s and you can hear all about it.  Until then, lose the nostalgia.

Tommy Hunter - For Neftali next year, I’m going to work all winter on getting used to owning a Rangers pitcher, but I just can’t get behind one right now.  Besides, Tommy Hunter?  C’mon, that’s a Witness Protection name.  He’s hiding something.

BUY

Will Venable – Don’t cha love Padres hitters?  They’re like other team’s hitters without the messy HRs, RBIs and Runs to worry about.  Venable’s been hot.  What, you don’t like hot?  I expect you’re going to want to drop Venable by the middle of August, but worth a week grab. (I used to try for the “weak grab” back in college.  The girls would retaliate with the “strong slap.”  Good times!)

Ty Wigginton – From August 1st to August 30th, give Wiggy one more chance.

Jim Johnson – Sure would be nice to see him get a save so we know it’s even him I should be touting.  I mean, I’m pretty sure it is, but ya never know.  I’d also be holding Danys Baez too, just in case.

Alex Gordon – Hitting near .300 since his return and he just hit his first homer since April 15th.  How’s dem apples?!  Yeah, not very delicious.  But if you’re hurting at CI, you can do worse.  Maybe!

Casey McGehee – Casey McGehee stars in, “The MI That Won’t Go Away,” with Claude Rains.  Razzball’s Buy/Sell’s going all noir on yo’ ass!  <– You might remember that line from MC Dark Shadows’s most famous song, “Fred MacMurray’s Macking Your Wife.”

Rajai Davis – SAGNOF!  Oh, and not just any SAGNOF.  We’re talking Bourn-type numbers in a very affordable off-waivers price tag.  It’s a steals for clunkers-type deal.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2 homers and over .400 in his last seven games.  When I say, As… You say, Drubal…  As… Drubal… As… Drubal… As… You got it.

Neftali Feliz – Guy’s sick, but not sick as in ill, but sick as in healthy.  But he’s still just a middle reliever, so I don’t suggest you grab him in every league, but if you need a little relief — hehe — go for it.

Elijah Dukes – If he has a solid final two months, prepare yourself for every fantasy site telling you he’s a sleeper next year, until he’s no longer a sleeper.  Cust kayin’.

Matt Lindstrom – We now begin our portion of the program of middle relievers that may be closing by this time next week.

Mike Gonzalez – Soriano could lose the job any second now.

Yusmeiro Petit – Show me a -eiro, named Busta!  What, no LONS fans in the Razzpound?  Maybe Yusmeiro took the -eiro power from Pineiro, maybe he gets shelled next time out like the latter -eiro.  In certain leagues, I’d gamble on Petit (namely H2H ones), but keep your caveats in check.

Ryan Roberts – Johnny, who’s the MI schmohawk behind door number three?  Ryan Roberts!!!  The crowd looks around, “Should we cheer?”  One guy stands up and screams, “I want Clint Barmes to get hot again!”  With the help of her granddaughter, an older woman stands, “You and your (bleeping) Barmes!  Shut the *bleep* up!”  A chair flies.  A melee ensues.

SELL

Tom Gorzelanny – Don’t let a Cubs fan get in your ear telling you they’ve stumbled on something with Gorzelanny.  His solid game was vs. the Reds.  Gorzelanny needs to do it for another month before I consider owning him next year.

Randy Wells – Had a 120 IP last year, and he’s already at 120 this year with the minors and majors combined.  This has nothing to do with his stuff, but the Cubs should start limiting his innings/skipping his starts soon.  Lesser Known Fact of the Day:  His middle name is David.

Jarrod Washburn – I’m pretty sure his ESPN ownership numbers and his suddenly poor pitching are directly related.  He gets over 50% owned, he gets dusted like Tom Joad.

Gordon Beckham – Let’s get it out of the way right off the bat, I don’t think you should trade him for a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20.  I like Beckham.  I think he can be solid.  But here’s the thing, CBS wrote a cover story on him, ESPN gave him some pub….  (Bee tee dubya, I was the first one to go for the side of the barn title of, Buy It Like Beckham.  Since then, I’ve seen Hit It… Break In… and Rake It…  Just remember who’s setting the trends on layup titles.  Also, take a second and look at that Buy/Sell link.  I could sit here and tell you the numbers Beckham’s done since July 3rd, but I’ll let your eyes dance through those stats on your own time.)  People are starting to realize how good Beckham’s been in the last month plus (over .400, 4 homers, 3 steals).  In one year leagues, has he been that much better than, say, Asdrubal Cabrera?  No, not really.  Gordon Beckham will be one of my favorites for next year, but this year, he’s still just a rookie trying to get his swerve on while hitting the slurve.  If someone overvalues Beckham, fleece ‘em, North Face.