Yeah, Justin Upton will hit six homers all year and .170. Yup, Jason Hammel will have an ERA under one. You betcha, Gregory Polanco will bat after the pitcher by September. Okay, on that last one, I don’t want to jinx anything, so let’s just say I’m being sarcastic and I don’t need no Polanco batting low in the order. Double negatives be damned! Finally, Jose Abreu is a Cuban sandwich short of pickles, which makes him a ham sandwich, which is a trailer park doorstop. He’s nothing. Done. It was a good ride we had with Abreu, but the last three weeks trumps all the seasons that came before it. And the new president of that sentence is trumps. Abreu, sir, if I may sit you down for a second. Please retire, your career is over. You had a good ride. Let baseball go. Look at Bobby Abreu, for example. He had grandkids and started wearing a dress and now goes by Bubbie Abreu. Take his lead. Your time is gone. Sure, you have an insanely low BABIP. You’re actually walking more this year than last. Your homers per fly balls is absurdly low. Your ground balls are actually lower this year, like subterranean. You’re striking out about the same amount. Alas, it’s over! Hang up your cleats! Not on that hook, that’s for my Par Djoos jersey for when I want to start a Sega video game fight. Or I guess you could just turn around your season; I mean, there are five months left. Yes, you should buy low on Abreu (and Upton). The season is barely nascent. Fun fact! N/A-scent is when you think someone farted, but they actually have a dead raccoon in their jacket. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
To understand Jake Lamb, I think it’s important to go back to the 1964 Summer Olympics when his father’s hero, Lambis Manthos, was competing for Greece in the 50 meter pistol shooting event. Due to a clerical error, Lambis thought he was competing in the 50 centimeter pistol shooting event. Lambis practiced shooting dinner plates from about 20 inches away. At one point, he was able to shoot an olive off a branch from about two feet away. Metaphorically, that meant war, and he knew it. He was ready, which is why this story ended so sadly when he realized it was really a 50-meter event. Lambis was extremely shortsighted and nearly took out a judge when tasked with shooting so far away. Thankfully, tragedy was averted when he only shot into one of those mats high jumpers fall on. At the end of the event, with Lambis in last place, the laughingstock of the competition, a young man by the name of Jake, was so moved with Lambis and his ability to hit close targets, he took his name as his last. This was Jake Lamb Sr., and the legend that Jake Lamb has to live up to. So, besides being a heartwarming story, what does this have to do with fantasy? Not a ton, said the man with four letters at his disposal. Lamb is currently slotted into the six or two hole on most days. He hasn’t shown great ability with lefties, so he’ll likely need to be platooned, but I’d do just that in all leagues. He has some power, some speed and shouldn’t kill you in average. Not from 50 meters or centimeters. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Marcus Semien was so grateful to be the 2nd week’s Buy lede that Semien shot up, overcome, thanking people in spurts. First, Semien said he had to give a hand to Reddick. Then Semien said, as much as it hurts him, Burns challenges him to be better, more fluid in his follow through. Semien says that before he’d get stale like dried paste. I heard through the grapevine that the A’s are being cautious about moving Semien up in the lineup between Burns and Reddick for fear of being labeled NC-17. “I have no recollection of a conversation about Semien, but I would be against it.” That’s Tipper Gore consulting with MLB. Marcus Semien has four homers, hitting .276, and he has 12-steal speed. So, that’s roughly 65/18/65/.260/12 on the year. Yeah, that’s better than that other schmohawk you have in your MI slot. I would absolutely add Semien all over. Plus, it’s a great moisturizer! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Moogly-boogly! It’s been a long winter. The Buy/Sell Column’s back asking, “Did you miss me?!” During the offseason, while you were diddling and thinking about how your middle school nickname was Bracecrotch, I, The Buy/Sell Column was re-reenacting scenes from The Act of Killing with puppets in a staged production on the western tip of Alaska because I’M HARDCORE! You want some Rip Taylor-wannabe, throwing confetti at your feet or you want a Buy/Sell Column that be cutting puppets’ necks with chicken wire while bundled up in fur coats because it was frickin’ cold in Alaska during the winter!? Like Jose Altuve trying to get the Cocoa Puffs, you want the latter! I’m eating puppet stuffing like I’m George “The Animal” Steele just to prove how crazy I am! Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery, I’m in on Domingo Santana. Like all the way in. Like Michael, Sonny, Tom Hagen and Vito — all the way in. Like an Asian man wearing dark sunglasses indoors, pushing his chips into the middle of a table — all the way in! Like Gilligan in quicksand — all the way in! The Brewers are awful, this is not a lie. But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — Miller Park is a great park to hit in. The Brewers offense is not entirely as bad as their pitching. Domingo is a 25 HR, 10 SB guy. Let’s see, that’s better than Hunter Pence. Better than Kole Calhoun. Shoot, that’s better than Matt Kemp. Does Domingo have more risk than those guys? Yeah, word, you betcha. He also has more upside. Right now, Domingo is owned in 33% of ESPN leagues, that’s goofy. Don’t want my word for it? Then stare into Grey’s eyes on his little avatar photo until you see yourself. Now ask yourself if there’s a reason you haven’t picked up Domingo yet, and if there’s no answer, then grab him! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Cardinals never not produce prospects out of nowhere. Double negatives don’t not be damned. Or is that be damned? There’s likely hundreds if not thousands (maybe five or six) prospects that have come out of nowhere for the Cardinals. The big one I can think of is Albert Pujols. Pujols was originally signed as the 402nd pick overall and turned down an offer of $10,000 to play instead in the National Baseball Congress, against Dick Gephardt and Nancy Pelosi. Finally, he signed with the Cardinals when no one else wanted him. We know how that turned out. Jason Motte was a 19th round selection in 2003, and he was still closing games this year (though for the Cubs). In 2001, the Cards drafted a little known shortstop, Michael J. Fox, in the last round and he had a fine career in sitcoms and starring film roles. So, Thomas Pham was drafted in the 16th round of 2006 and came up with little fanfare. “Little fanfare?” No way, this is St. Louis baseball, we have the best fans yadda whatever! Pham was considered a fringe prospect at best and a Thai beef salad at worst. Could’ve Pham just got lost in the shuffle? In 2014, he had 10 HRs, 20 SBs, hitting .324 in Triple-A. Then, with no room to play in the majors, he went back to Triple-A this year and hit 6 HRs with 9 SBs and a .327 average in 48 games. He’s likely more interesting in fantasy than real baseball, but, guess what, you numbnuts, we’re talking about fantasy. For 2016 fantasy baseball, I could see him being a 14 HR, 25 SB, .280 hitter, who gets a huge boost if he stays at the top of the order as he’s been doing thus far. For right now, Pham’s hitting near-.400 in the last week, and taking this back to the beginning with Pujols, he’s in the two-hole with his Phamy jewels. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Don’t you know about Greg Bird? Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! I, honestly, figured you would’ve heard. Heard what, you ask. Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! Well, everybody said about Greg Bird that Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the buy! You know, I thought you’d heard. Heard what? About the Bird! I was watching a TV show on cybercrime recently, and I have an idea on how to attack North Korea. Just pump in the “Bird is the Word” song into their national Bose speakers. (If North Korea has taken over the US by the time you read this, this cyber attack could be used in the reverse direction. I’m yours, Kimchi Jong-il, however you want to use me. I am very loyal.) So, now that we know the word and that word is indeed Bird, what do we do with this info? We pick him up in our leagues. He has seven homers in only 29 games. Sample size, she says. Well, he had six homers in only 34 games in Triple-A, six homers in only 49 Double-A games, seven homers in only 27 games in Double-A last year…Do you see a pattern? Bird’s got power. Not really anything else, but there’s only two weeks left, grab him if you need homers. Or had you not heard? Bird Bird Bird, Bird– Okay, I’ll stop. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Chris Davis currently leads the big leagues with 42 home runs. His .263/.358/.562 triple slash heading into Monday’s game equates to a 148 wRC+ and .389 wOBA, both ranking in the top-10 of qualified hitters. So why am I down on the left-handed hitting masher? Davis is doing his usual dominant performance against right-handed pitchers, however this season he’s crushing southpaws too. It’s a new development and is worth checking out, even in the limited context of a single season platoon split.
The table below displays Davis’ numbers against left-handers from 2008 through 2014 compared to this season. Admittedly the sample size difference is significant, but the table highlights how much better he’s been this year than in previous seasons.Please, blog, may I have some more?
When I hear the name Domingo Santana, I’m immediately transported to a small village in the Catalan region of Spain. A Gregorian monk overlooks the city of Barcelona. A breeze of air rolls in. Not from the Mediterranean, but it’s that breeze of air that rolls over the city from the residents pronouncing Barcelona with a lisp. This is the Gregorian monk’s city, and his name is Domingo Santana Sr. Sr. and the year is 1789, and I feel like I just pitched a cheap wine commercial to a client at an ad agency. “The tag line is: This monk’s got spirit!” Client leaves; I’m fired. I scream, “But I’ve seen every Mad Men episode,” as the screen fades to black. So, Domingo Santana isn’t the best guy on waivers in every league. I’d likely go with Jayson Werth, Wil Myers and a bunch of other guys over Sunday Santana for this year, but some of youse are in keepers and this post can also be for 2016 fantasy baseball, because I said so. According to some Jean Smarts at other sites, Santana made contact on only around 70% of minor league pitches that were in the strike zone over the past two years. Only one other player in the minors was that bad (Rymer Liriano). To put that in perspective, Domingo can’t hit balls that are in the strike zone. So far this year in the majors, he has a 30% strikeout percentage. What do all of these numbers mean? He might hit .230 if he’s lucky. So, why am I crushing on him so hard like I’m a Swede who just found a frozen time capsule filled with Frusen Glädjé? Because Sunday Santana has 30-homer power and 15-steal speed, and kinda reminds me of a young Carlos Gomez with a bit less speed. The same CarGo that struggled until he was 26 years old, and Domingo is only 23. Will Santana ever make enough contact? It’s hard to say, and it may not come in 2016, but I’d definitely grab him for cheap in keepers for a flyer for next year, and I like him in deeper leagues right now for some occasional flashes of the power/speed combo. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m filling in for the Big Magoo today, as he has gone off to Philly to get a sandwich. Yeah, I thought it was weird too, but the guy sends me pics of his lunch. [Jay’s Note: That’s the only reason I’d go to Philly…] Back in July, he covered for me and as my dad says: there is no such thing as a free lunch. Which is weird, because he frequently buys me lunch. Enough about lunch, it’s making me hungry and I just ate…
Here are a some significant adds and drops in fantasy baseball over the past week:Please, blog, may I have some more?
So, I’m here today to talk about The Gregorius D.I.D. Yo, tell me, who’s hot, who’s not, who still out on waivers? Check out my mustache, I’m no shaver. D-I-D P-O-P-P-A, no info from the ESPN. Free agents mad cause I’m flagrant. Call my cell and I’m in my mom’s basement. My fantasy team supreme, stay clean in the offseason. Bats in holsters, pitchers and their effin’ shoulders. Playboy, I told ya, cause I talk to the centerfolds and they talk back to me. Hanley bruise too much, I lose too much. I guess it’s cause you run and come up lame too much. Me lose my touch? Never that! If I did, ain’t no problem to pick up a bat. Yo, waivers, where the true players at? So, Didi Gregorious, BK’s finest, has been smoking hot for the past week and should be owned in every league. In the last week, he’s hitting near .600 with three homers. Will it continue? There’s only three weeks left of the season, it doesn’t matter if it will continue. It’s Cadbury Crunchie time, own players that are producing right now, honeycomb. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?