Fantasy Baseball Advice

Here’s what’s gonna happen.  You’re gonna be out at a family BBQ for Memorial Day.  Your weird uncle that has coke bottle glasses is going to ask your girlfriend if she’ll pass the potato salad just so he can get a glimpse of her bra when she moves her arm, and then your friend is going to text you, “Anthony Rizzo called up!  I grabbed him… Lqqk who sucks –> You!  Say hello to your mother for me.”  First thing you’re gonna think is, why are you friends with this guy?  Bad enough he’s an ass, but he uses Q’s for O’s.  Second thing you’re gonna think is, why you didn’t grab Rizzo and stash him a week ago?  He is absolutely raking in Triple-A:  .359 average, 13 homers in 37 games.  LaHair’s obviously not getting benched, but he can slide into the outfield and Rizzo will be playing 1st base for the Cubs by June 5th.  You can wait until June 4th if your league needs Nerf to supply the balls, but, in most leagues, you better grab him soon.  In the meantime, let’s start calling Rizzo “The Scer.”  You know, if Phil Rizzuto was The Scooter.  Okay, maybe that doesn’t work.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Dale Thayer – Street’s closed, use alternate route.  I’d consider going down Thayer.  Street’s supposed to open again in a few weeks, but city planners and construction have already closed this Street 15 times in the last few years from just wear and tear.  Chances are it’s up and running again are never definite.

Brian Fuentes – I understand people’s hesitation about picking up a guy that’s lost closer jobs before.  How about when you lost the job at Buffalo Wild Wings because you didn’t do the Dracula sneeze and sprayed the wings?  You still landed on your feet at Pita Palace and they didn’t judge you, right?

Addison Reed – Imagine a scenario where you have to go to the bathroom, but to get to the restroom you have to stand on line behind a fat kid trying to pick out an ice cream flavor at a shoppe with 50 flavors.  That fat kid is Robin Ventura.

Casey Janssen – Sergio Santos’s return is imminent.  And so is Lohan’s acting career, if you believe her manager.  Take closer news at face value, then pick up the guy who is currently getting saves and rub it in the face of the ‘imminent’ closer.

Christian Friedrich – Christian sounds like such a handsome guy’s name.  I wonder if it’s a self-hating Jew thing.  Any the hoo!  I don’t know how long Friedrich is going to be worthwhile.  King of the Obvious, “He pitches his home games in Coors and he’s raw,” but his next start is vs. the M’s.

Wei-Yin Chen – Wow, this week’s starters aren’t looking good, but if you own Wei-Yin and Bruce Chen, you can change your team name to “I Got More Chens Than Yo Momma.”

Alex Cobb – I’d go by Al Cobb, if I were him.  I wish I could shortened my name.  Gr?  What the eff is a Gr?  That’s a Lisa Simpson sound effect.  Gre seems pointless.  Gr-Al?  What am I, Superman’s home planet?  Actually, I am.  Don’t touch my crystals!  I wouldn’t go near Cobb in most leagues, but in AL-Only he’s fine.  Shoot, in Al-Only leagues, he’s a first round pick.  Especially with the injury to Al Albuquerque.

Trevor Bauer – Tyler Skaggs could’ve been here too.  This is the time to grab rookies that might see a June 1st call-up.  In my heart of hearts (which is a second baboon heart that I have located inside my human heart), I don’t think we see Bauer until July-ish, but he’s worth the speculative add.

Bud Norris – He’s over my arbitrary 50% owned cutoff (65%), but that’s why it’s arbitrary.

Welington Castillo – I just went over him this morning.  Scroll down.  No, your other down.  Since that morning’s post was written, Soto’s headed to the DL.  Don’t shed any tears for Soto, his knee already did that.

Danny Espinosa – You know what these Buy/Sells are?  They’re player groupings (ploupings?) of all the guys I’ve told you to grab throughout the week.  What I think some other sites do for their weekly Buy/Sell is see who I’m touting all week and then list them.  I’m not bragging when I say this.  I’m fact checking, snitches!

Everth Cabrera – Called up by the Padres to take O-Dog’s spot.  If you need 20+ steals from your MI, EverCab is the man (he’s also available for bar mitzvahs).

Brian Dozier – Hey, he’s hitting!  (Okay, I got nothing else nice to say about him, but he is hitting right now — it’s all I got!)

Elliot Johnson – See what I said about Dozier but Find and Replace ‘hitting’ with ‘stealing.’

Freddy Galvis – Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy!  Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy!  Now steal some bases, you Smooth Criminal.

Todd Frazier – I just went over my Todd Frazier fantasy.  I wrote it while performing “Stairway to Heaven, Mon” with Dread Zeppelin.

Nolan Arenado – If you missed out on Frazier in deep leagues, you’re gonna miss out on Arenando too and you’re gonna be waiting for Danny Valencia to get recalled and then cry to sleep.  You wanna cry to sleep?  C’mon, do a headstand with that frown!

Josh Bell – He’s another third baseman that should be playing for his major league team right now.  He’s hitting crazy good in the PCL (almost .400, 4 homers in 22 games), but, as we know, hitting in the PCL is like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat.  For now, Bell’s a solid stash in deep NL-Only leagues.

Yonder Alonso – He’s hitting for average, but he has 1 homer and 1 steal.  BWAHAHAHAHA!  I mean, c’mon.  Move the fences in, Petco overseers!  (And the bases to forty feet apart from each other.)

Chris Heisey – Dusty Baker said he likes Heisey to play every day (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  Heisey could get 20 homers and 10 steals (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  I’d grab Heisey in all mixed leagues (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  Can’t we get Dusty a team where he has no options?  Could someone tape Ludwick and Bailey’s mouths shut, put them in a gorilla suit and ship them to Africa?

Xavier Avery – SAGNOF for Xavery!

Gregor Blanco – There was a legion of Blanco fans (The Whiteys?) that came out of the woodwork the other day when I didn’t mention he was starting for the Giants.  He’s basically a steals guy that might hit a handful of homers, if you had a woodcutting accident and only have 4 fingers.

SELL

David Wright – If you look at our BABIP vs. AVG chart, you’ll find Wright, um, right, there towards the top.  There was one other year he had an inflated BABIP.  The year was 2009.  It was during that year we saw MTV announce it would play more music from 3 AM to 4 AM, The Weather Channel began airing weather-related movies leaving the elderly to wonder where the tornado was and why Bill Paxton was reporting weather and, finally, Al Gore invented running water because he got bored of the Internet.  Also, that year, David Wright had a BABIP of .394, by far his highest BABIP year, and hit .307.  That year he also hit 10 homers.  Now, I’m not saying he’s only going to hit 6 more homers this year or that he’s going to hit .307.  But he’s most definitely not hitting .400, and 20 homers or 20 steals look around his ceiling.  The counting stats will be there, and I don’t think you should trade him for a Fairly OddParents DVD, but his value is high, and may not get higher.

Right now on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater the top outfielders are Hamilton, Kemp, Beltran, CarGo, Braun, Bruce, Jones, Grandy and then Bryan LaHair.  Now, I’m not saying LaHair doesn’t belong in that company– No, that’s exactly what I’m saying.  For 1st basemen, he’s currently above Prince Fielder, Votto and Miggy.  I know, you think of yourself as a brilliant NASA-level scientist who has been working on a pencil made of Doritos crumbs.  Your Dorito pencil will come to fruition; the sour cream and chive eraser is a great addition, but you didn’t plan on LaHair doing anywhere near this good.  If you own LaHair, you stepped in LaCrap.  Right now, a guy who people weren’t sure could make it in the major leagues is hitting .384 with 8 homers in 28 games.  The power isn’t totally bonkers.  He’s on pace for around 40 homers.  25 homers seems doable, maybe even 30.  The batting average is Jimmy Stewart’s rabbit, Harvey.  It’s Keyser Söze.  It’s your imaginary friend that you agreed to marry if you get to 40 years old and you’re both still single.  Right now, he has a .510 BABIP.  The only way he sustains that is if LaHair has some Zapped telekinesis power.  He wouldn’t even be able to sustain it if he hired Willie Aames to run on the field to distract the fielders.  (Willie charges $15/hour for this service if you want him for your softball games.)  His current K-rate (29.1) would have been third worst last year (or third best if you’re a masochist).   Right behind, Mark Reynolds and Drew Stubbs, two guys that are lucky to hit .240.  So if LaHair’s average drops 100+ points, at some point during that slide the Cubs are going to promote Rizzo and then LaHair’s really going to be in trouble.  I’m not saying sell him for a Jägermeister Jell-o shot, but I’d look at offers.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Casey Janssen – Let’s get all of the SAGNOF’ers out of the way up front, shall we?  No reason to say we shall.  I can’t hear you.  You’re reading.

Addison Reed – Imagine getting behind Robin Ventura on a buffet line.  I think I’ll try the Matt Thornton, Reed, Sale, Santiago with a side of the Reed, Thornton, Sale, Santiago with a little extra Sale, Santiago– Just get the meatloaf and move on!  At least Ozzie had Joey Cora to carry his tray.  And massage his shoulders.  And manicure his cuticles.

Rafael Soriano – Robertson blows two more saves in the next five days and he’s lost the job or he settles in for the week and he’s the closer for the rest of the season.  It all hinges on this week, over-the-Internet friend!

Rafael Dolis – Okay, Random Razzball Commenter, since you’re gonna ask.  Dolis, Reed, Janssen, Soriano, Marlins Closer, Thayer, in that order… What?  Marshall’s also available?  Oh, geez.

Dale Thayer – The ex-Ray and Met farmhand as well as the star of the gay porn ‘Brian’s Thong’ is the latest bullpen project for the Padres with 2 saves in the absence of Huston Street.  Figure it’s his until he blows it or gets injured – which is the norm these days.

Steve Cishek – Edward Mujica, Ryan Webb, Heath Bell… You could have a team of all Marlins relievers.  You’d be dead last in your league, unless you played in the NL East, then you’d still have the Phillies below you.  Snap in the Wiz wit formation!

James McDonald – Old McDonald had a great K-rate e-i-e-i-e-i-oh.  Now relatively new McDonald’s K-rate is e-i-e-i-e-i-okay.  Old McDonald had a terrible walk rate e-i-e-i-e-i-oh-no.  Now relatively new McDonald’s walk rate is e-i-e-i-e-i-okay.  Six of one; half dozen of another.  Or e-i-e-i; e-i-oh.

Carlos Zambrano – You know how they take signed celebrity pictures and put them up in restaurants?  Why do I feel like in less than 6 weeks of the season there’s a picture of Big Z in every Cuban restaurant in Miami?   Signed Big Z, “Please consider adding a Cuban Sandwich with a Tres Leches cake in the middle.”

Christian Friedrich – I went over him the other day.  It went something like this, “Blah blah blah, good K/BB, blah blah blah, NL-Only, blah blah blah, next start against the Giants.”  And that’s me blah’ing me!

Brad Peacock – Google Brad Peacock and it returns the question, “Did you mean naked pictures of Grey talking about his favorite young pitcher?”  The A’s are rolling out guys right now that are blehtastic, and when Peacock gets called up, I’m gonna like him better than any other A’s starter, except McCarthy.  Yeah, even that damn Milone, sorry Diane.  Peacock is no streamer, even if it might sound that way.

Chris Johnson – Sticking with our newly established theme of commands an old man screams at the urinal when he’s trying to go to the bathroom, Chris Johnson has 4 homers in the last 10 days and his counting stats ain’t too shabby for an Astro.  Ruh roh!

Ike Davis – One of the first Sell’s of the year featured Ike Davis with a request for you to drop him.  Okay, now it’s time to pick him up.  There’s no flimflammery flip-flopping on fantasy first basemen (say that fast 117 times!), Davis was hideous, and now he no longer is.

Kyle Seager – Member back in March what you wanted from Dustin Ackley prior to your hopes and dreams being squashed?  Yeah, Kyle Seager’s doing that…Against the wind.  (Also, there’s a Kyle Seager fantasy to feast your eyes on.  I didn’t write it, but, if I had, I would’ve said the same thing, except switched out all the didn’t's to dinnit’s.)

Johnny Giavotella – Will share time at 2nd base and could run like crazy, and by ‘crazy’ I mean not always successfully.  Fist pump!

Andres Torres – For all of you Where’s Allen Craig At Commenters, he didn’t make the cut off of less than 50% owned as of yesterday at midnight.  At 11:59 PM, a few diehard Where’s Allen Craig At Commenters enlisted Anonymous’ help to hack into ESPN and push his ownership numbers to 49%, but Anonymous was busy taking down Pujols.  (They have a vendetta because he once said he liked the Interview with the Vampire movie better than the book.)  But, alas, I’ll make an exception inside this Torres blurb.  I’d pick up Allen.  I’d also grab Torres.  If you don’t know what Torres gives you, see Angel Pagan.

Josh Reddick – If you go to the top outfielders of the last 20 days, you’ll see Reddick amongst some pretty big names.

Andy Dirks – I just went over him this morning.  If you close your extraneous porn windows and scroll down, you’ll see it.

J.P. Arencibia – He’s not going to hit for average and power all year, but he is now.  Arencibia — that’s a one spicy catcher!

SELL

Alex Rios – Man, he’s like watching paint dry.  Not even an exciting paint color like forest green or periwinkle.  More like a beige.  Can’t drop Rios in all leagues, but in some shallower ones there’s gotta be better options.  Like Josh Reddick.  He’s better at this point.

Chase Headley – First rule of fantasy baseball:  Don’t draft a Padres hitter.  Second rule of fantasy baseball:  Don’t tell any chicks you do this if you ever want to get laid again.

Lance Lynn – I told you to buy him before the first week of the season and he’s gone 6-0/1.40/0.85/37 in 38 2/3 IP.  I’d say we had a good run.  I’m not saying drop him before the Liquid Paper is thrown all over his stats, but you have to know it’s coming.  He has a 93.8% LOB and a .209 BABIP.  Right now, every ground ball down the line is hitting a base and bouncing to a fielder and he’s escaped more jams than a deaf kid at Jazz Fest.  I wouldn’t sell him for an all-expenses paid spa day in Tijuana, but I’d explore options.

I liked me some Brandon Morrow, but I’m thinking of the old Morrow (not Edward Murrow) that had no control and sat down hitters like he was a furniture salesman whose favorite line was, “Try it out.”  I talked briefly in our last podcast about Morrow.  Rudy tends to think Morrow is a new and improved pitcher.  I think Rudy’s standing too close to a newly-glued diorama.  I just want to get out the facts about Morrow that we think we know compared to what we do know.  FACT:  He’s never had control.  NOT FACT:  Without control, he’s now able to pitch the ball exactly where hitters can make contact, but not get a base hit.  FACT:  His FIP is saying he’s getting lucky.  NOT FACT:  He can leave more runners on than other pitchers.  FACT:  His career walk rate is 4.39.  NOT FACT:  This year he can continue to shave more than two walks per nine off his rate.  FACT:  He pitches in the AL East.  NOT FACT:  He has a parakeet named, Chisel Jaw, that he dresses up in WWII pilot gear with a mini parachute.  FACT:  He’s injury prone.  NOT FACT:  Whenever he orders halibut, he shrugs and says, “I don’t know why I’m ordering this.  Maybe just for the halibut.”  FACT:  He’s at the peak of his value.  NOT FACT:  He liked Jordin Sparks’ latest album on Facebook.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Steve Cishek – Ozzie wrapped a towel around his neck, had Joey Cora spray him with some water so it looked like he just stepped out of a sauna and said Heath Bell’s still his closer.  Two things I don’t agree with there.  First, Heath Bell’s terrible no matter how many times Ozzie says he’s the closer.  Second, if you spray olive oil instead of water, it holds the look of perspiration much better.

Edward Mujica – Member what I said about Heath Bell about twelve words ago?  Yup.

Brian Fuentes – I’d pick up Fuentes in some leagues.  I’d pick up Ryan Cook in some leagues.  I’d even pick up that Eddie Murphy movie guy, Norberto, in some leagues.  But this is far from a clear path to SAGNOF success.

Scott Downs – The Sciosciapath needs Adderall after replacing his closer for one blown save.  I think Walden gets the job back (or back, back, back if Chris Berman is reading), but Downs should definitely be owned.

David Robertson – I went over him this morning.  Try hitting down on your scrolly finger.

Matt Thornton – It’s been a long winding road for Hector Santiago this first month of the season.  At times he looked hittable and at other times he made Matt Thornton actually look good.

Jason Vargas – Marginer!

Chris Capuano – He’s no spring chicken.  His time for greatness has past (unless he goes to Japan, reinvents himself and returns a new pitcher named, Chris Dragono), but he could be that ever-elusive pitcher at the back end of your staff that stabilizes things.  Think Kuroda when he was in LA.

Drew Smyly – People are sure taking a long time to add The Emoticon.  I don’t trust people who el oh el after everything on Facebook that isn’t remotely funny — “Oh my God, my baby just wet itself while I was talking to the bank teller el oh el el oh el el oh el!”  Unless your baby is 37 years old, that’s not funny — But an emoticon?  It’s so innocuous.  And it has Ks.

Mike Trout – Unlike Bryce Harper, I don’t think Trout is deep-water fish.  He could give you 10+ homers and 25 steals right now.  On a side note, for my birthday, I want a picture of Trout, Tim Salmon, Kevin Bass and me in snorkel gear.  Someone make that happen.  Thank you.

Jed Lowrie – WHO! (While Healthy Own)

Alcides Escobar – WHO!  (Now the H is hitting, instead of healthy.)

Josh Reddick – WHO!  (Who let the dogs out?)

Ty Wigginton – I picked up Wigginton to replace Zimmerman and he’s been better than him.  And that’s not saying anything.  That’s like the opposite of saying something.  It’s like the guy who blinked that novel not even blinking.

Allen Craig – Know why he’s here?  Because of this:  Random Razzball Commenter, “Wow, surprised not to see Allen Craig on this list.”

Will Middlebrooks – I just went over my Will Middlebrooks fantasy.  If you click on that link, you’ll burn 7 calories.  You’re welcome, Michelle Obama!

Tony Campana – He steals like the wind… Did you hear that last line in my voice?  I’m in your head now.  Hey, what’s this thing do?  Oops, I think I just spilled chocolate sauce on your medulla oblongata.  I’ll leave your head now.  Sorry.

Chris Johnson – On one hand, I like Chris Johnson.  On the other hand, I don’t like Astro hitters.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on a broomstick, Johnson’s hitting over .300 with some slight speed and power.

Pedro Alvarez – If you went up to a girl at the bar and asked her if you should pick up Chris Davis or Pedro Alvarez, she’d smell the desperation on you.  Here, at Razzball, we welcome desperation and Pedro Alvarez.

SELL

Bryce Harper – But he uses the Shroud of Turin to apply eye black!  And he once ordered pizza to Syracuse from Rome, Italy on a borrowed cell phone!  And he has a butterfly named after him!  The Bryce Harpertail is rare and only found on the island of Guam, but it’s named after him!  Guys (and 4 girls), he’s not going to be the greatest thing since a Hello Kitty toaster this year.  He was struggling in the minors.  Maybe he was disinterested, as most 19 year old’s get, but he’s still only a 10-15 homer, 10-15 steal guy right now.  His value because of hype is way above that.  I wouldn’t sell him for a Groupon to the Ren-Faire, but I’d explore options.  (Don’t sell in keepers.  I’m talking about redraft leagues here.)

Danny Espinosa – It’s with much rueful rumination and fervor that I gather words that I don’t use when I’m speaking or really know what they mean, when I tell you Espinosa is a wanksta that needs some serious minor league seasoning.

Adam Lind – You win some, and you draft Adam Lind and he’s not winsome.

Nolan Reimold has started this season like I thought he’d start the 2009 season.  And the 2010 season.  And the 2011 season.  See a pattern?  If not, I suggest answering C on all standardized tests and lowering your safety school expectations.  It feels like Reimold’s been sleeping on his post-hyper’dom since Branch Rickey was just a twig.  He has 25-ish homer power and 10-ish steal speed.  If he gets on one, he hits 30 homers and steals 15 and is a top 25 outfielder.  If he hits his head on his post-hyper-ness, you drop him.  In my Nolan Reimold fantasy from January, I gave him the line of 65/24/80/.250/10.  Don’t wanna trust January Grey because he’s been known to hit the bottle?  ZiPS updated their projections for Reimold to 65/22/68/.260/10.  So don’t trust me.  But you gotta trust someone in this life.  You can’t go it alone.  Cause when you let people in, the world opens up to you.  I think the preceding was a speech given by Patrick Dempsey in an 80′s movie that was followed by a slow clap.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Santiago Casilla – You know what he possibly gives you this year?  35 saves.  Know what, say, Brett Myers gives you?  25 saves.  We’re Cust kayin’ here, but Casilla should be owned.

Henry Rodriguez – I wish I was in one of the 90% of ESPN leagues where HanK-Rod isn’t owned, but it might be impossible because at least 75% of the ESPN ten-team leagues are one guy who owns all 10 teams with ten alias then goes into the ESPN forums and says, “I’m going to grace you with my presence and answer a few questions.  If you wish to know my credentials, look at my virtual trophies on my virtual mantle on my virtual profile.”

Jake Peavy – Which Peavy are we getting?  The one that’s good when he’s pitching or the one that’s not good at pitching because he’s injured?  Isn’t it clear?  I didn’t say, “Isn’t it the clear?”  Now, now.

Lance Lynn – You know why there’s so many repeat customers in these Buys?  Because people picking up players in ESPN leagues are like De Niro in Awakenings.  Lynn’s pitching well, pick him up and save that fear of success for your real life and leave it out of your fantasy life.

Danny Duffy – A starter with more Ks than innings pitched is all right by me.  Plus, his mom’s name is Muffy.  What’s not to like?  Not rhetorical!  Seriously, tell me.  (I am prepared for this to come back to haunt me on Sunday when he faces the Blue Jays.  I’m looking ahead, young, prematurely balding man!)

Jake Arrieta – Between Krispie getting DL’d and Gardner getting DL’d (about an hour), I owned Arrieta.  I was looking at a way to make my team private, so youse couldn’t see it.  See, I really don’t like taking flyers on O’s SPs and would tell you the same if you asked.  AL East + terrible team = Not a’ight-a.  But Arrieta’s WHIP is intriguing (0.89).  He’s faced two terrible teams, and, keep in mind, I immediately dropped him when I needed another outfielder, but, yeah, I did pick him up.  He’s around a 7-ish K-rate and a high 3 ERA pitcher in the best case scenario.  The way he’s keeping his walks in check right now is something to watch.  If you grab him for the Angels game tomorrow, I’d leave him on my bench in most mixed leagues to see how he does.

Alejandro De Aza – Odd that he has more homers than steals, but that will invert while he still chips in some power.  He’s the new pride of the Dominican Republican.  Or DR Pride, which is not the same as the shirtless guy with the stethoscope and the ass-less chaps.

Luke Scott – I told you to pick him up last week and now he’s owned in 3.5% of ESPN leagues.  We are the three point five percenters!  How’s that for rippling the fantasy baseball world?!  You best recognize!

Mike Trout – On our last podcast, Rudy said he thinks Trout will be up by May 15th.  I think that’s crummy with crackers, but if you’re a Rudy loyalist with a pic in your fro, then you should own Trout right now.

Denard Span – He’s healthy!  That’s all I got.  I picked him up in my RCL because I lost Gardner and was looking for some cheap speed, but, most importantly, Rudy was the one who dropped him, so any chance to rub salt is valid enough for me.  Though waiting for Span to exact any revenge against Rudy is like hiring a contract killer who thinks a spliff is a blunt object.

Matt Carpenter – I just went over him this morning.  Don’t make me go back there!

Chris Davis – This week’s Buy is coming to you from downtown Baltimore, “Our crabs are better than your lady’s!”  At some point, I think the bottom is gonna fall out so bad for Davis that you’ll look up and he’ll be batting .095, but right now he’s hitting, so there’s that.

Mike Aviles – Grab Aviles while Jacoby is D’Ellsburied and your MI spot is as disagreeable as any camel that has ever been on TV or film. (Talk about an animal that needs its own anti-defamation league.  “Let me ask you this, haters of the camel, what other animal is dragging your stupid ass through the desert with no water?  Let’s see you ride on the back of your corgi!”  That’s me as I stump for the hump.)

SELL

Gaby Sanchez – You thought he (she?) had no power in the old (ugly) Marlins ballpark?  Welcome to the new (ugly and large) park!  I wouldn’t drop him (her?) for Jeffrey Loria’s address so you can egg his house, but… Actually, I’d consider that trade-off.   Nah, seriously, I wouldn’t drop him, but maybe you can use him as an artificial sweetener in a trade.

Paul Goldschmidt – This one hurts, because I really did like him in the preseason, but as long as Gibson’s slo-mo arm pumping Overbay into lineup, you need alternatives.  In most leagues, I wouldn’t drop AuShizz out right, but he needs every day playing time for the majority of mixed leagues.

Logan Morrison – We’re pot-committed to Stanton and his wonky knees (wonknee).  I’m not selling him for pennies on the dollar.  Morrison, on the other hand, has a wonknee and he doesn’t have 40 homer power and he’s playing in a stadium where the coach needs binoculars and glow sticks to direct his outfielders where to play.  As he waves glow sticks, Ozzie says, “Oye, Rooster, are the outfielders moving to the right?”  As he looks through binoculars, Joey Cora says, “I think you’re directing the nacho guy in section 7 B.”  Ozzie, “Puta, this is the worst stadium the devil ever puked up!”

I don’t necessarily love Adam LaRoche. Or LaLove him, for that matter.  Sure, I’d like him more if he slept with a groupie then screamed, “And that’s how you screw LaPooch!”  But I have no way of knowing that, and thinking of LaRoche having groupies is like thinking people actually buy John Tesh CDs.  Though I do enjoy La Bouche — want to be my lover, be my lover!  LaRoche reminds me of the guy you have on your team that you’re looking to drop all season long for anyone that’s hot, but still gives you 25 homers and passable counting stats.  Strike that, he doesn’t remind me of that guy.  He is that guy.  Are you gonna wake up one morning and say to yourself, “I may have been fired, can’t make my mortgage payment this month and have yellow pits on my favorite t-shirt, but I own LaRoche… Today’s gonna be a good day!”  Nah, son, shizz ain’t gonna be that sunny, but he’s hitting and healthy and should be owned.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Hector Santiago – On the podcast the other day, I distinctly remember saying (in my high-pitched Jersey accent that actually makes dogs howl) that Addison Reed would end up with more saves than Santiago this year.  Well, la dee whatever, right now you should own Santiago.

Fernando Rodney – A crap reliever, yes.  But getting saves, yup.  Somewhere, Bob Wickman and his fans that used to dress as candles are smiling.

Brad Lidge – Storen is out for a few months.  Does he come back at all this year?  I don’t know, but when that’s even a question you should be speculating on the doodes getting saves for the Nats.  Right now, that’s Lidge and Henry Rodriguez — or Benry Ridge, which sounds like a green-conscious company.  Here at Benry Ridge we know your stool isn’t just something short people stand on.

Santiago Casilla – I just went over him and Romo this morning.  Try the scroll, player.

Chone Figgins – Batting leadoff and over .300 as of this writing.  Do I love him?  Figgy, please!  But there’s some value here.  On a side note:  I had to draft a 12-team AL-Only team for Rudy the other day (and drafted Figgy for like $4).  Anyway, due to ESPN’s terrible draft room and my friend’s dog that I was watching, I accidentally nominated Scott Baker (after it was announced he’d be out for the season) and ended up with him for $1.  I only nominated him because he was on the top of the out-of-date list and my time ran out because I had my hands filled with a barking dog.  Obviously, I’m not drafting him and an online draft should be the best approximation to an in-person one.  You shouldn’t be penalized because of stupid draft software.  Immediately, I asked the draft to be paused — as we had paused it numerous times already because people accidentally bid too much or something — only this time it turned out that the host of the draft wasn’t there anymore, so no one had the controls to pause the draft.  Seriously, if you host a league, have the decency to be at the draft.

Kyle Seager – In that same AL-Only league that I drafted for Rudy, I grabbed Seager for cheap.  The next day Rudy was like, “Good grab on Seager.”  I thought he was being sarcastic.  That shows you how much I think of Seager.  He’s a guy with an outside chance for a 10/10 season.  Honestly, he may not be that much worse than Ackley this year.

Zack Cozart – Think this makes 4 weeks in a row I’m recommending you pick him up.  Next week, he’ll break the the all-time record currently held by Ty Wigginton.

A.J. Pierzynski – Okay, now I will walk into oncoming traffic for suggesting Pierzynski.

David Murphy – There’s a contingent of people that love David Murphy, and some that just don’t get it.  Call it the Murph Wars.  In the big picture, he’s really a 15/12 guy with a decent average that should only be started vs. righties.  But he’s also a guy that seems to produce whenever you pick him up, though that might be confirmation bias or some other fancy Psych 101 term.

Kirk Nieuwenhuis – I like Nieuwenhuis even if his name is impossible to spell.  His surname sounds like a starter home in Sweden.  He has decent pop and the Mets just have to stop playing Bay.  Like fo’ real, fo’ real.

Lance Lynn – I like Lance a lot.  His walks and Moor time he sees in the rotation may be his undoing, but he brings a solid ground ball and K-rate to the round table.  (<–Dorkiest puns ever!)

Jeff Samardzija – The buzz feels a little stronger on Samardzija than Lynn.  I get it, he was throwing near-100 MPH at the end of his first start.  That’s exciting, that gets the blood flowing to the nether regions without any blue pills.  I think Samardzija does have a higher upside, but Lynn should be a tad safer.  With upside comes downside, i.e., sex is nice, but now she’s emotionally attached and she just called you “Poopsie” around your friends.

Edinson Volquez – Kinda surprised I have to beg people to pick him up.  Everyone open your prayer book to “Guys who can get 200 Ks that are on waivers.”  Okay, now read from it.  You, “Edinson Volquez.  Um, that’s all it says.”  Yup.

Joe Weiland – Hodgepadre!

Juan Nicasio – Has a 7+ K-rate and should have around a 3.75 ERA.  There’s always the Coors Field factor, but that’s to scare girls (no offense, 4 girl readers, that’s a figure of speech).

Jon Niese – “Hey, Grey, let me ask you a pregunta that you can use your big brain for?  Edinson, Nicasio, Samardbfslkbkfwsa, Lynn or Niese?  Thank you and your mustache; it looks extra bushy today!”  Niese is the safest without the upside.

J.D. Martinez – He’s hitting third for the Astros and… Gah!  I tried so hard to get through that compliment.  He’s a’ight.  Will probably have solid counting stats and 20+ homers.  He’s really not that different than LaRoche (obviously a different position).  Rudy likes him a decent amount.  Rudy knows his shizz.  Some time ask Rudy about the time he vomited in the back of a taxi, then, once you got him talking, ask him about J.D.

Alejandro De Aza – You pick him up for the steals and you stay for the occasional homer and fun you can have singing his first name at a gay bar.  In all seriousness, he could be a cheap Victorino.

Alex Presley – I was downright floored — floored, I tell ya! — when I saw he was only owned in 6.6% of ESPN leagues.  Save that fear of success shizz for your real life, this is fantasy baseball!

Jordan Schafer – What’s this a 4,000 word post about speedy outfielders that have some minor pop?  I will pop you, son!

Ryan Sweeney – I told you to pick him up last week and I’m not going to repeat myself.  And that’s me quoting me, but, and this is a J. Lo-sized but, what a schmohawk!  Are you being meta?  Yes, Random Italicized Voice.

SELL

Mark Trumbo – I was surprised to get questions the last few days about dropping Trumbo.  I didn’t think people drafted him.  Stone Hands At 3rd + Pujols + Morales + Crowded Outfield = A near mint Dave Concepción rookie card.  Hmm, that math looks wrong.  I think I forgot to carry a one somewhere.  Either way, you need to look elsewhere if you own Trumbo.

Chad Billingsley – Is there any pitcher that had cushier matchups his first two times out?  Padres are like a throwback offense to the dead ball era and the Pirates haven’t had a winning season since Chuck Tanner.  If you think you can flip Bills, I’d make sure I had some back support.  If you think you can trade him for someone like, say, Luebke, I’d do it.

Brandon Belt – I still like him, but he’s the sun and Bochy’s head is the moon and there’s a total eclipse of the gooftard.