Fantasy Baseball Advice

Twins aren’t winning.  Twins haven’t won all year, actually.  You can look it up.  They’re 0-for-2011.  But Ben Revere wants to steal bases for no reason.  I love that.  I’d prefer my fantasy players act selfishly and just try to inflate their own value.  Maybe that’s lame, but we’re talking about fantasy baseball.  We’re not talking about getting chicks with your IROC.  When a player tries to inflate his own value, it helps us fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!).  With so many players shut down or resting for the playoffs, the best thing we can hope for right now is someone who just wants some stats.  Revere is the player.  In the last week, Revere is hitting .464 with 5 runs, 4 RBIs and 3 steals.  In the last ten games, he has 7 steals.  (BTW, the Twins lost each of those ten games.  Ha!)  He’s not glamorous, you’re not going to want to keep him for next year (outside of very deep leagues that have a “Must Have A Ben” clause), but if you need steals, grab him quick.  Now if only Revere played for the Red Sox, it would be like a player on the Yanks named Sam Yonkers.  Or a Jimmy Burbank on the Dodgers.  Or Sadaharu Tacoma on the Mariners.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Mike Carp - He’s hitting .400 over the last week with two homers.  This from our frequent commenter, Rabbit, “So how much of a team can you fill up with fish-themed players?  You’ve got Carp, Trout, and Anthony Bass.  I’d say you can include Jason Bay and Dan, Tim and Kyle Hudson (but not Vernon Wells – the first two bodies of water contain fish, the other better not) and maybe one of the Thames (whichever one pronounces his name like the river).  Jerry Sands and Brandon Beachy seem a close enough fit.  If you push it a bit, your catcher could be Pierzynski (Where do you fish from?  The pier, Zynski.), and maybe you could have Wilson “Exxon” Valdez (he sure killed a lot of fish).”

Nolan Reimold – Has three homers and three steals in the last ten games.  Sure, he’s flopped a bunch in the past, but who are you to judge Reimold?  Fred Savage?

Jerry Sands – Him and Bugsy helped build Vegas and now Sands is hitting .458 over the last week with 2 homers.

Salvador Perez – In his short time in the majors, he’s hitting .344 with 2 homers.  In the even shorter time of the last week, he’s hitting .579 with one homer.  In the even shortest time of his last at-bat, he’s 1-for-1.  That’s batting one thousand!  Use Ted Williams’s frozen medulla oblongata and carve out Perez’s Hall of Fame plaque!

John Mayberry Jr. – With the Phils clinched, Mayberry’s seeing more time and hitting (.409 with 2 homers in the last week).  It’s Mayberry BFD.

Joel Peralta – Farnsworth should return today, but you never know what can happen, except there will be a plague of locust as we know from The Book of Joel Peralta.

Greg Holland – Besides the saves (which he is getting now), he’s had a much better year than Soria.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!

Mike Aviles – Starting at 3rd base for the Sawx over the last week and he’s hitting .385 with 2 homers.  Last September, he had 6 homers and hit .357.  I accept this H2H trophy on behalf of all the men and women in the Armed Forces, and Mike Aviles.

Eric Young Jr. – Do I dare recommend him again?  I dare, I dare.  Do you care to pick him up again?  You care, you care.  Do you have someone to change your baby’s diaper?  Au pair, au pair.

Mike Moustakas – Over the last seven days, he has 2 homers and is hitting .500.  Finally, someone sprayed some Windex on his bat.

Lonnie Chisenhall – It seems inevitable that all of these guys that are hitting in September are going to be overrated next March.  Cust kayin’.

Brent Morel – Not only is he hitting (4 homers in the last ten games) but he seems like a funghi.

Cory Luebke - If you want a list of starters for the last week of the season, head over to the borderline fantasy starter post.  I wrote it while covering my eyes during the elevator scene in Drive.

SELL

Joakim Soria – I don’t think he’s going to pitch again this year.  Seriously, no Joakim.

Mitch Moreland – Before he just wasn’t hitting, now he’s not playing.  You see how that could hurt his value?  I.e., stop your Mitchin’.

Brett Lawrie – You guys will always have those moments you shared.  No one can take those from you.  Not even the IRS.

Troy Tulowitzki – Unlike previous years, the Rockies threw up the white flag in late August.  Hey, on the bright side, you don’t need a huge September from Tulo to make his season worthwhile.

Carlos Gonzalez – Probably done for the year.  His season ending stats are 92/26/92/.295/20.  My preseason projections were 90/24/95/.285/20.  Is that a boo-ya?  Or just boo-ya adjacent?

Anyone that is not going to help you win right now – There’s no time left, drop anyone that is not playing and add players that are.  Now excuse me while I go see Moneyball.  BTW, I’d love to hear a review of Moneyball by Joe Morgan.  “Is that John Kruk playing opposite Brad Pitt?  He was excellent!  I didn’t know he could play so Jewish.”

Snap, snap, claw, claw, save.  That’s The Save Vulture Dance.  Snap, snap, claw, claw, save…  Sing it like it’s The Electric Slide.  The save vulture is a scavenger bird.  They see weakness in others’ misfortune.  A closer goes down or struggles and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff.  Peck, Jim Johnson, peck.  Peck, Joel Peralta, peck-peck.  The save vultures are indigenous to rural and metropolitan areas, especially if there’s an injury.  Goodbye, Brian Wilson.  Hello, Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla and Jeremy Affeldt.  Save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about.  “How does my manicure look?”  “Very pretty, Manny Acosta.”   “Did you just call me, Manny Acosta?”  “No.”  Joakim Soria has tightness in his hamstring; the save vulture has limberness in its loins that only Greg Holland can satiate.  If you need closers, there’s quite a few of them out there right now.  There’s also quite a few that you can drop.  Member when you were my closer, Fernando Salas?  Fernando Salas, “I don’t know who you are and why are you sitting on my couch in the dark?”  Doesn’t matter cause I just dropped you for Jason Motte and it felt great.  Snap, snap, claw, claw, save…  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Lonnie Chisenhall – Why don’t you pick up Lonnie Chisenhall?  Afraid of success?  That’s what your ex-wife would say.

Brent Morel – Has 4 homers in the last week with one of them coming off Porcello in a battle of the mushrooms that had the Smurfs gasping.

Juan Francisco – I went over my Juan Francisco fantasy the other day.  I wrote it while huffing grape-scented magic markers.

Omar Infante – If I was teammates with Infante, I’d be like, “What’s up, Toddler?!”  Then he’d be like, “It’s Infante, not Infant-e.”  “That’s cool, Toddler!”  He’d probably hate me.  It’s a’ight, I usually hate him, but right now he’s hitting (.346 in the last week).

Paul Goldschmidt – I’ll probably go all in with Goldschmidt next year, but he’s still a little raw.  To put that in Hell’s Kitchen-speak, if you’re owning Goldschmidt now, you’re probably walking with scallops about a minute early.

Derrek Lee – Back in the 50′s, when Lee was particpating in “Duck and Cover” drills, I wonder how he used to get under the desk.  Any the hoo!  He’s hitting, so there’s that.

Ryan Raburn – He hit two homers this week, and, yeah, I have a hard time trusting him too.  Appropriate his name contains ‘burn’ cause he’s done it to me a bunch of times.

Dee Gordon – Over the last week, he’s looked pretty lost at the plate but he could steal 5 bases this weekend.  It’s like that old joke; you own Gordon cause you need the eggs.

Marco Scutaro – He’s been hitting the cover off the ball Roy Hobbs-style.  Though, hitting the cover off the ball Marco Scutaro-style means one homer and a couple of doubles.

Jon Jay – Even before the Holliday injury, Jay was starting and hitting.  Jon Jay Jingleheimer Schmidt is my fifth outfielder and can be your fifth outfielder too.

Allen Craig – Now he should get extra playing time because of Holliday’s injury.  He reminds me of the best and worst of Infante.  Cute, but peeing in your face when you change his diaper.

Drew Pomeranz – (Or Matt Moore or Brad Peacock or Shelby Miller or any other top pitching prospect.)  These adds are more for dynasty and keeper leagues.  As for other starters at this time of year, they’re all either addable or droppable depending on their matchups.  If you want some under 50% owned starters, look at my borderline fantasy starter post from yesterday.

Wilin Rosario – The Rockies moved on from Iannetta.  In Double-A, Rosario had 21 homers in 426 plate appearances and only walked 19 times.  Sounds like the Rockies found themselves Miguel Olivo Jr.  I will now call you Miguelito, The Tiny Olive.  I wouldn’t run out and add Rosario outside of NL-Only keepers and deep two catcher leagues.

SELL

Adam Jones – Hey, he’s making himself undervalued for next year.  We can appreciate that, right?

Nelson Cruz – He might start, uh, starting games tomorrow or Sunday.  Then he might sit for a day, start, sit, etc. etc. etc.  If you have room to switch him back and forth from your bench, then you hold him.  Otherwise, I want someone I can trust to play.

Kevin Youkilis – Youuuuuuuk looks like puuuuuuke.

Mark Reynolds – He’s in one of his 6 for 40 stretches that makes you want to reconsider your Mini Donkey tattoo.  Or at least it does for me.  Stupid permanent ink.

Carlos Quentin – Ozzie’s currently infatuated with De Aza and Viciedo, which is fine by me.  I’m not hatin’, I’m statement statin’.

Dexter Fowler has been hotter than a junebug on the back of a furnace’s ass, or some other yokelism.  Dexter?  I hardly Fowler!  Huh?  In his last seven games, a .423 average and 2 homers.  He’s not good for anything more than the occasional dinger, which only sounds talk between a wife and her friends.  He is hitting on top of a lineup that puts up runs and he has speed.  While he’s hot, I’d grab him everywhere.  Don’t get left out in the cold.  Remember you can’t spell Denver without Dexter envy.  Or you can’t spell Dexter Fowler without DTF.  That’s Doubles Triples Forget about homers.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

David Murphy – He was nearly the lead for today’s Buy post.  That’s how much I like him.  You have to really strike a nerve about needing to be owned in every league to get the lead, but you have to come close to striking said nerve to almost be the lead.  Talk about the pinnacle of one’s career.  Put it on the back of your ball card, kid!  You almost made a Razzball lead!

Alex Presley – And he almost-almost made the lead!  Wow!  It’s raining praise like a church that mysteriously appears in the Bermuda Triangle! (<–Confusing comparison of the day!)

Alex Rios – He didn’t almost make any lead.  I kinda don’t even want Rios to do anything because I absolutely know it’s just going to cause people to come out of the woodwork next March asking about him. “Buh-buh-buh-but, Grey, sir, your almighty ‘stacheiness, Rios was good last September.  Big things in 2012, right?!”

Alejandro De Aza – Alejandro is hot like Mexico!  And just think, when he’s no longer worth owning, you can tell your friends you just did the Alejandrop.  Don’t get sad!  Imaginary friends work too!

Kosuke Fukudome – It’s the week of the hot outfielders, huh?  It reminds me of that week in 1993 when Jim Eisenreich was in the middle of a 7-for-12 stretch but Philly fans still wanted to throw batteries at him because he kept cursing at them.

Jon Jay – He has 2 homers and hitting .522 in the last week.  I got Federalisztomania!  What, no Phoenix fans?  You, “I thought French rock was a stale baguette.”  You’re such a snob!

Jason Kipnis – Nothing goes better with a bagel and cream cheese like Eli Whiteside.  But Kipnis is good for a nosh if you need a middle infielder.

Scott Sizemore – ESPN wrote something recently saying Sizemore could be a sleeper in 2012.  Way to take a stand!  Of course he’s going to be a sleeper.  The problem is the A’s need to move their fences in about 1.2 miles.  In all directions.  You could have a front row seat by 1st base and need binoculars.

Trevor Plouffe – His last name sounds like the sound a turd makes when it hits the toilet water.  Hehe.  Sorry, that’s juvenile.  But, seriously, he-effin’-he.  Um, so he’s been hot– Sorry, I have to move on.  His name’s just too ridiculous.

Juan Francisco – I spy with my little right eye a worthwhile add for right now in NL-Only leagues.  Since Rolen is following in Glass Chipper’s footsteps, I imagine Francisco will see the majority of the at-bats for the remainder of the season, which means he could become mixed league sexy.  Otherwise known as a swinger.

Dayan Viciedo – He’s done nothing but swing a hot bat since his call-up, so of course Ozzie benched him the other day.  Oh, Ozzie, you make me a little crazy.  *shaking fist at the sky* A little crazy!

Cliff Pennington – Has good speed and can teach you how to golf.

Dee Gordon – He’s good for steals.  Yadda³.  On a side note, I was thinking about how I can’t imagine Don Mattingly ever getting fired.  Maybe because I grew up in the tri-state area when he was a God, but I can’t picture any scenario where Mattingly is blamed for anything.  “Ooh, it’s Donnie Baseball, it’s his back’s fault the Yankees aren’t winning.”  The Dodgers will have to be folded into the Padres (and the Dodres still wouldn’t have a good offense) to get Mattingly out of his job.

Marco Scutaro – Hitting .476 in September and…Ugh, don’t make me say anything else nice about Scutaro.  He’s hot as of right now, that’s all I got.

Edwin Jackson – Hasn’t had a bad start in over a month…Which makes me think he’s gonna have one tonight because I just jinxed him.  Stupid superstitions.  Anyone see where I put my rabbit’s foot?

Bud Norris – BTW, I just went over borderline fantasy starters for the next week, and, really, this late in the season there’s no reason to look more than one week in advance in most leagues.

Bobby Parnell – Own unless you’re in a British ex-con league with a No-Bobby rule.

Kenley Jansen – Word out of the mean streets of sunny LA is Jansen or Guerra could be the closer next year.  So those in deep keeper leagues who are looking to stick someone on their team for cheap this year that could have huge value next year, grab Jansen.

Jason Motte – Member during the 2010 preseason when I said Motte should be the closer?  So I was a year and a half early.  Well, here’s the thing, I time travel so much I sometimes forget what year I’m in.  BTW, invest in AOL, they’re about to merge with Time-Warner.

SELL

Fernando Salas – I could see holding him in some leagues where you’re very desperate, but in most leagues you’re looking at a guy that might get a save or two or might be closing out the seventh inning.  I.e., I’d prefer the apple sauce instead of the misspelled Mexican sauce.

Brandon Morrow – His next start is against the Sawx, who just mollywhopped him for 8 earned, and the Jays might limit him since he’s above his career high in innings.  You guys had a good run.  Get his address and go hide in his garbage can with a Jiffy Pop container over your head so you can see anytime you want.

John Danks – Who’s more infuriating than this schmohawk?  A three hitter followed by an 8 earned run game.  There’s gotta be better matchup guys on waivers.  Move on, there’s nothing to see here.

Jair Jurrjens – He’s out until the playoffs.  That’s nice.  Later!

Grady Sizemore – I guarantee you, with his stats, if his name was Crappy McCrapstein, you wouldn’t own him.

Adam Lind – I hate to outright drop a guy capable of a four homer week, but it seems like his wrist is sore and his power looks zapped, and not zapped like that awesome early 80′s movie with Scott Baio.  I wonder if him and Willie Ames are still friends.  They were like peas and carrots.  I bet David Aardsma is glad that Willie Aames devoted his prodigious talent to acting instead of baseball so he can stay first in the baseball dictionary.

The Big Donkey, Adam Dunn, was a big ass.  Carlos Quentin’s status is TBD even when we know the ETA which we don’t right now.  This leaves Dayan Viciedo playing.  It’s addition by the subtraction of Ozzie’s choices.  “Can Brent Lillibridge play first and third at the same time?”  Things Ozzie has recently asked his bench coach.  Viciedo was always a top Cuban raftee and, through his first four games, he has a homer, steal and is batting .538.  Maybe we shouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’ head just yet, but you don’t need Mapquest to know he’s going in the right direction.  Not to mention, I’m not even sure Mapquest still exists.  Start a viable service and Google will take you over.  I like your concept, Groupon, I will now do the exact same thing.  With Viciedo’s 3rd base eligibility, he’s worth a flyer anywhere you need a corner infidel.  That’s right, patch Dayan into your team for Golda Meir.  (If you didn’t need to Google that last line, props to you.)  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jack Hannahan – Perennial Carson favorite hit three homers in two days this week and .420 (stoner!) in August.  Didn’t hurt that he brought his liger to the clubhouse to scare Lonnie Chisenhall.

Kyle Seager – Last week I suggested he was like Omar Infante.  We’ll call him Omar Little.

Omar Infante – Speaking of the devil.  He’s been relatively hot recently.  If your relative is hitting near .300 over the last week.

Luke Hughes – Has four homers in the last week.  Maybe you should pick him up.  That’s my Hughes clues.

Dee Gordon – Guess who’s back?!  Dee Gordon, man (and three girl readers).  C’mon, that was easy.  His name is in front of this blurb.  If you need speed, Dee Gordon’s like Jeff Gordon without the car.  I have no idea if that makes sense.  I don’t know Nascar.  I’m guessing there are cars though since it’s in the name.  It’s not Nasbicycle.

Cliff Pennington – Hitting near .400 over the last week and has three steals in the last five games.  Plus, if you have a category in your league for Players That Sound Like They Should Be Wearing Plaid Pants, Cliff Pennington wins you that category.

Jose Altuve – Through 154 ABs, he has 2 homers, 4 steals and he’s hitting .305.  So, of course, his ESPN ownership went down from 9% to 7.4% this week.  I’m guessing Craig Biggio owns 20,000 fantasy teams and is bitter.

Mike Trout – 4 homers and batting .400 since his recall.  He’s a bit green, Scioscia may not play him, which has me blue, but if you don’t add him, you’re yellow.  And that’s my rainbow Trout.

Brandon Allen – I was thinking to myself, “Grey, there’s no reason to mention Allen this week.  He must already be over 50% owned in ESPN.  Also, could you scratch your back?  I’m itchy.  Thanks!”  Turns out Allen is nowhere near 50% owned.

Austin Jackson – I’m not a fan of a leadoff hitter with a sub-.320 OBP.  Rickey Henderson says, “Rickey Henderson says amen!”  But Jackson is currently hot, hitting near .400 over the last week.

Leonys Martin – I just went over my Leonys Martin fantasy.  I wrote it while sipping a Mint Julep, wearing a big floppy hat.

Alejandro De Aza – This is a pretty tentative buy.  He has been hot, but I think that could end by the time I finish this sent–

David Murphy – He’s the type that is unownable for the better part of a season then becomes relevant.  I wouldn’t put Baby Boo-Boo’s college fund on it, but I think he’s about to go through one of those relevant stretches.

Jordan Schafer – I wouldn’t pick up Schafer outside of a NL-Only league.  I don’t like where he’s playing, not a huge fan of his but he does provide some speed and a bit of Zimmermania.

Brandon McCarthy – Last game, he K’d 10.  He hasn’t had one month over a 4.00 ERA all year.  As for his lousy record… Too many Urkels on his team, that’s why his wins low.

Javier Vazquez – Hey, I was burned by him too.  I get it.  But he’s been good for two months now.  Stop being a pill and pick him up.

Doug Fister – Usually the lack of Ks is a problem — a than but no thans, but over his last 21 2/3 IP he has 18 Ks.  So that’s an old issue of Fister’s Journal, which I do not subscribe to and would not Google.

Bobby Parnell – You know what the kids in Washington Park say about this part of the Buy section?  Coca, puff-puff, SAGNOF!

Sergio Romo – You can’t tell me the whole time he was growing out his beard it wasn’t some kind of All About Eve plot brewing behind the scenes.  Just happens that Wilson gets hurt and Romo jumps in to replace him and all the windyweather fans in San Fran are like, “Hey, our touristy beards we bought at the souvenir stand still work!”  Then again, Santiago Casilla, Jeremy Affeldt or Ramon Ramirez might get saves too.

Steve Cishek – I think he gets the most saves in Florida in September and Nunez has multiple meltdowns.  It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich.

Jesus Montero – I just went over my Jesus Montero fantasy.  I wrote it while wearing an orange jumper, picking up litter on the side of the highway.

SELL

Freddie Freeman – Had a heck of a season, if you’re the type to use a word like heck.  Almost sorta blasphemy!  Freeman has 18 homers through 5 months.  What’s that?  3.6 homers per month?  It’s worth taking a chance on a hot hitter; you’re not gonna miss out on much with Freeman.  And what on earth does sixth-tenths of a homer look like anyway?

Michael Cuddyer – Another guy who has 18 homers on the year, but this schmohawk is also dealing with a hurt wrist.  Ride or Cuddyer?  I’d ride.

David Freese – He has 8 homers in 266 ABs this year.  So, unless he gets 400 ABs in September, I’m thinking you can move on to a hot schmotato.

Nelson Cruz – This kinda goes for any player that is on the DL.  If you don’t have DL room, lose him and move on.

Alexi Ogando – You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can send him a postcard.  But get him off your team.

Tommy Hanson – Mmmdrop.

Mitch Moreland – Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia!  Mamma mia, let him go!

This will be the last time I mention Logan Morrison for some time.  Hashtag that.   Not that I don’t like him, it’s just I’ve given him enough press, assuming the word ‘press’ still makes sense even though I’m dictating this post to a Montessori-taught monkey that I’ll occasionally catch looking at me like he wants to kill me and take over Razzball, which makes dictating that even more awkward.  Imagine in 300 years when they find this post in a time capsule with Snooki’s poof.  They’ll read that monkey sentence and think they’ve figured out the major problem with our society was we had monkeys taking dictation only to be disappointed when they read this sentence.  Sorry, future reader!  We’re more complicated than that!  Whoa, that was a major sidetrack.  So Morrison was sent down because he needed to “work on all aspects of being a Major Leaguer,” which basically meant he used to grab his farts and throw them at Hanley.  If someone dropped Morrison when he was demoted, I’d go ahead and re-add him.  Or have your monkey re-add him for you.  I’m kidding, future reader, our monkeys don’t manage our fantasy teams.  They only give advice which we decide whether or not to follow.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Kyle Seager – The other day I compared him to Omar Infante.  I’ll see that comparison and raise him Martin Prado.  Personally, I don’t like guys like Infante or Prado outside of NL-Only leagues, but I also don’t like people who write personally either, so there’s that.  I’m a contradiction wrapped inside of lazy writing pitfalls.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Picking up Kouzmanoff leaves a fantasy baseballer (<–my Mom’s term) in a spirited debate with themselves over God, free will, morality and why there aren’t any other 3rd basemen to pick up.

Jose Lopez – Hitting .333 over the last week with 2 homers.  This week’s third basemen pickups remind me of the Bottle Rockets song, “1000 Dollar Car.”  To quote, “If a $1000 car was truly worth a damn, then why would anybody ever spend ten grand?”

Danny Valencia – Hitting .333 over the last week with 2 homers.  Hmm… Just had deja vu.  Weird.

Jimmy Paredes – Leave it to the Astros to promote a guy straight from Double-A who wasn’t even playing that well.  But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — he’s hitting right now, has speed and good position eligibility.

Eric Young Jr. – I’m unabashedly a fan, if I’m using the word unabashedly right.

Jeremonio Affirezo – That’s a portmanteau of Jeremy Affeldt, Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla and Ramon Ramirez, i.e. the closerousel in San Fran.  Ram-Ram seemed like the first choice, but he didn’t look good on Wednesday and Casilla got the save.  But II, The Return of But, Romo returns this weekend.  But III, This But Is Gonna Be Huge, Affeldt could see saves if the ninth is mostly lefties.

Bobby Parnell – He’s getting saves for the Mets and he can win you a SpongeBob at a carnival with his 102 MPH fastball.

Steve Cishek – I just went over my Cishek fantasy.  I wrote it while eating the marshmallows out of my Lucky Charms.

Mike Minor – Has 52 Ks in 55 2/3 IP! *whispering fast*  With a 1.49 WHIP and 4.37 ERA.  *loud again*  Next he gets the Mets and the Dodgers.  Not in the same start.  Who is he, Joel Youngblood?

Stephen Strasburg – Set to return on September 6th.  Don’t Washington-area seismologists have enough to do?

Brandon Allen – After his two homer game, Bob Melvin said Allen would be the starter for the foreseeable future.  As long as his foreseeable replacement is Conor Jackson, Allen should play.  Sorry, CoJack, I don’t love you, baby.

John Mayberry Jr. – Charlie Manuel hinted that Mayberry could see everyday playing time even after Ibanez returns, saying, “Time comes when tadpoles gotta frog up.  Now where’s Utley’s pomade?  I gotta slide outta my uniform.”

Lucas Duda – Since August 14th, he has 4 homers.  Terry Collins knows when he’s got a good thing.  Like at 3rd base and shortstop when Reyes returns.  Duda’s a 20 homer guy if he plays all year.  Kinda like a poor man’s Willingham.  Or a Willingspam.

SELL

Gaby Sanchez – No Gaby Gaby!

Trevor Cahill – Has a 7.00 ERA post-All-Star break.  I’m thinking you can probably find that off waivers from someone else.  It’s a hunch, ya’ll!

Bobby Abreu – He’s over 60% owned in ESPN leagues, so he made my imaginary self-imposed cut off that I occasionally ignore.  What good is an imaginary self-imposed cut off that isn’t self-imposed?  Nada, nada, nada damn thing.

Justin Morneau – Right now, it’s kinda sad the way you keep going back to him.  The relationship is hurting both of you.  It reminds me of a line from my upcoming, breakout Middle East rap song, “Why can’t we get together and take it easy… I’ll be your Qaddafi, if you’ll be my Condoleezza.”