Just as George wants to be draped in velvet, I want to be draped in Kazmir. Speaking of fabric names, when are we going to get a pitcher with a name like Velvet? Velour? Tweed? Like the very expensive, warm, comfortable fabric, Scott Kazmir ain’t coming to you cheap today, $8,400 to be exact. This is no bargain basket blue light special. This is spending your money and getting your money’s worth. My new Kazmir toga will be the envy of the community. Looking good Jack, that Kazmir looks perfect on you. Thanks DraftKings regulars. Being that today is off day Thursday you have limited options. Speaking of off days, I was watching the 1980′s b-movie classic Mischief the other night during a bout of insomnia. Besides waiting to see Kelly Preston’s boobs and seeing some sweet rides it was just passing time. In the main characters pursuit to lose his virginity he fumbles and stumbles his way to the goal line. Oops! Sorry, that was a football reference my baseball friends. On his way to hitting a home run I was reminded of how this year has gone for many of us. FRUSTRATING!!! If this was twitter the trending would be #TommyJohn and #DL. It’s like I’m trapped in a theater after buying a ticket for Goodfellas and they show us Corky Romano. Hey this isn’t the gangster flick I paid for? Raise your hand if you feel we are in a bizarro season? In all this crazy though we have a stud that has a 2.05 ERA (1.45 at home) facing a team that is ranked 21st on the year in team batting according to Fangraphs. Do we need anything else? He’s been a steal all year and even went undrafted in some 12 team leagues. Sky, our resident deep league writer, has a huge crush on him and keeps a picture of him in his wallet.

Just like last week I encourage everyone to try DraftKings at least once. Nah, let’s shoot for a half dozen times. We have been doing some play with the DK writers league with really good turnouts. If you would like to play with us just post your DraftKings user name in the comments and I will make sure Ralph, our resident organizer, gets you added to the list and we’ll send you invites for when we play. It’s been a blast playing with everyone so far and the more players we get the more fun we’ll have. Here is what else I have for you today:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I don’t have enough spam, give me the Razzball email newsletter!

I don’t mean to just go on and on about my fake teams or how well I’ve been doing lately, but damn, your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru is on fire. The turban is smokin’! Last night I nearly doubled my bankroll and won a little side wager in which our resident Razzball Radio host must wear a T-shirt of my choice on Thursday’s show. That’s almost as satisfying as cash. Almost. With a few more Benjamin’s we’ll be one step closer to a winter of fun in the sun with enough left over for bail and a possible liver transplant. Thanks, Obamacare!

Have you been partaking in the DraftKings fun? Why not, don’t like money?! Get out of here, hippie! Your friendly Razzaholics even provide you with some of the best tools in the biz: Stream-o-Nator, Hitter-Tron and the mighty DFSbot. Use them and buy us a round later, you know, after the liver has healed up.

DraftKings has eight games on the early slate, seven games on the evening schedule and three late games tonight. There are some high over/unders for KC/DET, MIN/BOS and MIL/ARI that we’ll be targeting today.

Let’s get to it and you could be joining me for sunshine, umbrella drinks and thong watching come December. Here be some of the Guru’s picks for Wednesday, June 18th contests on DraftKings for 2014 Fantasy Baseball.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Daily fantasy brings a whole new dimension to the we look at fantasy players.  We’re getting used to streaming pitchers which has become a great strategy being implemented over the last few years, but daily fantasy takes it to a whole new level.  You don’t have to drop anyone to pick up the man of the hour, knowing that his long-term value will be equivalent to Lenny Dykstra’s business ventures.

If you get off watching a pitcher dominate like I do, then you’ll appreciate the pornutopia of starters going today.  Masa-Hero, Darvish, Greinke, Cueto, Scherzer, and Wacha are all on cam today.  If I gotta pick two, I’m taking Cueto and Tanaka.  Darvish has been lit up by the A’s, almost to the extent I want to stack against him today.  Greinke and Wacha have been a bit shaky lately and, besides his last start, so has Scherzer and the Royals bats are about as hot as it gets in baseball right now.  I’m rolling the dice on Roenis Elias today.  He’s had some rough ones lately as well, but he’s also had some dominant outings including a complete game shutout with 8 Ks against the Tigers just ten days ago.  And the K’s seem real as he boasts nearly 8 K/9 this year.  He also has the most tasty matchup on the slate today facing the Padres who get nothing right against lefties as they mutter a .598 OPS against them this year which is marginally crappier than anyone other squad.  A price tag of $8,000 climaxes the excitement with dough to blow on some other nice pieces.

Hopefully, you’ve been playing along with us at Draftkings so far this year.  If not, c’mon and join us cuz we’ve been having daily leagues for the last two weeks thanks to the zealous @RalphLifshitzbb who’s been heading it up.  We aren’t wagering huge, but just making sure to have some fun with $1 on the line each day.  Come on and hang out and test your mettle with us.  Here’s a link to our fun little cash game today.  The Razzball community only gains strength as we reach out to more avenues.  If you haven’t signed up yet use this link cuz you’ll get a free contest to start building your stack.  Here’s a few more highlights of today’s DFS best offerings:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I see you back there. Yes I’m talking to you. You love risk and I know you do. How can I tell? Well for starters you’re reading my column here at the ‘ole Razzball rag. You don’t know what a ‘rag’ is do you? It’s ok, you’re the internet generation, we’ll let it slide. I can’t wait for the days when my walk up to the check out at the grocery store has touch computer screens of ‘The Sun’ and ‘People’ rather than actual magazines. I’ll swipe my iPhone past Vibe E-zine to get the latest copy and read about 2Pac’s hologram tour across Europe with the Notorious B.I.G. after their rights have been bought out by Apple. It’s gonna be crazy in 2015 y’all! But of course, you didn’t come here for a glimpse of the future…well you did, just not that far so let’s talk Tom Koehler or better yet, let’s talk Chicago Cubs. We know the drill: Cubs offense = teh suck. Team SLG%? Bottom ten. Team wOBA? Bottom five. Team K%? Bottom three. Admittedly, Koehler has been middling at best on the year but given the spacious confines of his home ballpark and the team he gets to take the mound against, I’d say he’s a solid SP2 for your GPP games over on DraftKings today. Don’t like my take? Well how about the DFSBot saying he’s worth about $8K on the day which is what Weaver goes for. As long as he isn’t needled with singles and walks all game, this should be a 20 point start in my book and it’ll free up some dough to buy a high end pitcher and not kill your batting budget. BTW, if you’re used to our resident stock symbol BTXJ on your Mondays, I have a special surprise for you…he’s dead and buried under my gardenias in the back yard. Woah, wrong surprise and dead body! No, my Thursday nights have become too hectic to handle the rigors of DFS writing so we’ve done a perma-swap. Just keep that in mind if you’re looking for me later in the week before you have a Freaky Friday. And with that, it’s time to move on. Here are some other Razzball picks for June 16th contests on DraftKings for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If you’re familiar with Razzball, then you know about all of the handy tools. My favorite is the Stream-o-Nator (SON for short). It gives dollar values for pitchers specific to that day’s match-up and it’s the primary reason I’m recommending A.J. Burnett today against the Cubs. Burnett’s season has been inconsistent at best and he’s battling an injury that will likely last the whole year. He did however put together a really nice start his last time out and he’s a value play today at $7,700. SON likes his start $18, which ranks third overall for the day and is about $10 higher than an “average” start. The Cubs rank dead last in MLB against right handers with a 74 wRC+. Their 22.7% strikeout percentage against right-handed pitching is the fourth highest in baseball. Considering the price and the opponent, I like the risk/reward you’re getting today with Burnett. Happy Father’s Day!

If you are new to DraftKings, use our promo link to get started. New players that click on that link will get a free contest ticket with a first time deposit (only new users eligible). The winner of the contest gets entry into our $500k Showcase with a $100k top prize. Also, if you haven’t tried the DFSBot via Rudy, check it out: it compares projected values to actual DFS prices for the day. Here are some of today’s other picks for DraftKings contests on 6/15/2014…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Growing up one of my favorite films was Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. The movie has everything; boat chases; hot Austrian scholars turned Nazi’s, Sean Connery, Knights, the Holy Grail and one of the greatest scenes in movie history. If you haven’t seen it *spoiler alert*,(actually can you give a spoiler alert if a movie is 25 years old?) in one of the last scenes of the movie Indy has to go through a series of booby traps and make choices on how to conquer them based on his knowledge of Jesus. BT-dubs doesn’t booby traps seem like it could be Justin Verlander’s current issue? Maybe he’s trapped by the power of Kate Upton’s assets and spends most road trips locked in his hotel room getting to second base? Anyyyyy way where was I? Oh yeah the booby traps! After making his way through the obstacles Indy ends up in an old dusty room at the back of a cave guarded by one of a collection of Knights whose sole duty is to protect the Grail. In order for Indiana to get access to the Grail and save the day he must choose between bevies of gaudy cups and find the true Grail. At this moment the Knight urges him to choose wisely! If you haven’t seen it watch the clip here. Either way where I’m going with this is we are presented with a far less dramatic choice every day when playing daily fantasy games on DraftKings. There are several approaches and strategies and someone is lying if they tell you they approach each day’s games the same as the day before. Sometimes you’re better off investing in hitting, and other times you’re better off splashing the dollars on arms. No one approach holds true every day. For example for today’s early games the pitching options are limited to say the least and I couldn’t blame you for going cheap on pitching and spending on hitting. The night games are slightly better with Stephen Strasburg, Garrett Richards, and Shelby Miller all seeming like solid plays.

Speaking of choosing wisely, you can start your day of good choices off by playing DraftKings with us. In fact if you haven’t played DraftKings before you can play for free by signing up here. For all newbies and experienced players alike, I will post a link in the comments to play with me and some of the other Razzball writers in a league. Without further ado below are the Razzball picks for Saturday June 14th.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

To all you dads out there, I salute you. You’re raising your families, keeping your wives happy and you’ve got a holiday dedicated to you and what are you gonna get from it? Socks? Maybe a few nice ties? At best, you’re hoping for some quiet Sunday time to yourself. Maybe you’ll go play golf but you’re probably not getting what March 14th is supposed to bring, I’m assuming. The definition of Rage Quit should have an addendum attached specifically marked for Father’s Day and all the tripe that goes with it from what I’ve heard. My heart goes out to you. So in lieu of knowing you’re gonna get some weird smelling Eau de toilette in your little basket of daddy goodies, I figured I’d have you open my gift first. Sure, it actually probably smells worse than what you’ll get on Sunday but I can assure you this new fresh scent from Flushing, Bartolo Colon, will leave you irresistible to the ladies. Ok, I’m not gonna lie, it’s gonna smell real bad. I mean, seriously, a cologne that smells like Bartolo? Have you seen this man? I’m not even gonna quote it, I’m just gonna link to it. But you wanna know what all the ladies can’t resist? The fat stacks he’ll earn you over on DraftKings since he’s only $7,300 on the day and gets the Padres. Not sure why that’s a good thing? Well let me enlighten you. The Pads have the worst team road wOBA in the MLB. Heck, they have the worst team wOBA period. And the even bestier part? They strike out at a 22.8% clip as a team as well. That’s 5th best – if by best we mean worst – in the league. I’m not one for guessing end lines for games but if Big Bartolo Colon doesn’t go 7 IP with at least 6 K and max 2 runs, I’m gonna be extremely disappointed and surprised. He’s priced right to help you succeed today, Razzballians. So spritz on some Bartolo and let the smell of success singe your nostrils. No wait, that’s just the Bartolo smell. You might need an oatmeal bath to get that off to be honest so my apologies. To make up for this, I’ll show you an image that will probably make the HOF even if Bartolo doesn’t…but you gotta click the read more to get it! So roll on to see the pic and more Razzball picks for Friday DK contests for 2014 Fantasy baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If this title doesn’t make any sense to you then you are probably not familiar with the New Zealand rap duo hiphopopotamus and rhymenoceros. Also known as the Flight of the Conchords, Jemaine and Bret throw it down hard like Roenis Elias did earlier this year against the Yankees at Yankee Stadium. In that contest he had a season high 10 K’s in 7 innings that made all fantasy baseballers take notice. I’m not blown away that he K’d 10 Yankees, half those guys collect social security checks and can remember the Kennedy presidency. But it does set a little precedence here. I’m always a little weary of the second time around after success the first time around but I’m going to give this one a pass. The first time was in New York, bonus point, and this time it’s in Seattle, double bonus point, which should lead to another great day. With a price tag of $8,600 I’m a buyer on my budget play today. This Cuban doesn’t have a cool nickname yet, so I’m going to name him after one of my favorite Cuban dishes: Papas Rellenas! Writers Note: This dish is popular across Latin American cuisine but the first time I had it was at a Cuban restaurant. Here is a recipe and picture for you.

Every week I tell you all to play DraftKings and I have no idea if anyone is listening. I’m starting to think I sound like my mother beating a dead horse day after day after day after day after day. You get the point. I would like to find a way to get some of us together in a big razzball bragging rights league. If you play and would like to join me and the other writers…oh and TV on the radio host Nick, then leave your DraftKings handle in the comments and we’ll try to organize some events. Don’t worry we have all been taking it in the shorts lately with Kevin Correia, Jaime Garcia and Shelby Miller taking the 1927 Blue Jays out to the woodshed. No mas stack attacks! And now back to our regularly scheduled program. Below are good value plays tomorrow. I’m not going to tell you to grab all studs because you can’t afford it. If you play this entire lineup you got $500 bucks to spare, but I’m not saying that unless you really trust me. You can swap Jones out for the Dread Pirate and now you got no change. Before I move on, I have one last thing for you. The PROMO LINK. Just click and play already!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Happy Hump Day, my Razzballin’ degenerates. I just did that in my best commercial camel voice and GEICO owes me 27 cents. It’s back to the grind and by grind I mean making green on DraftKings. Unfortunately, for your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru, I’ve hit a bit of a cold streak. I believe it was the Greek philosopher Heraclitus that said, “Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em. Know when to walk away, Know when to run.” However, I’m not foldin’ and I’m not running. Tonight I sacrifice my Steve Balboni bobblehead to the fantasy gods in hopes the cold streak runs hot. I’m almost at my goal of a winter of fun in the sun, umbrella drinks, thong watching and a likely call to the Cancun bail bondsman.

We have 13 games on the evening slate tonight at DraftKings with a few aces on the mound and teams to stack in Colorado, Baltimore and Detroit (stay away rain and random drive-by shootings). I’ll be digging deep into the research and convening with my good friends DFSBot, Stream-O-Nator, HitterTron and Islay scotch to find the best matchups to grow the bankroll. If you haven’t given Draftkings a shot yet, today’s the day you get in the game. Just hit the Razzball promo link to get a first time deposit match and come play with the Razzball gang in a 50/50 contest.

Here are some of my top picks and value plays for Wednesday, June 11.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s been pretty well written about that a top tier starter is the way to go in Draftkings. There’s some really, really, really, really nice, sexy, and really pretty expensive options out there in Mad Bum, Waino and Klubes. I like them almost as much as I like looking at myself in the mirror. There’s a potential bounce back, former ace candidate in Verlander who can remove his underwear without removing his pants. He should turn it around soon… But I’ve been working on my humanitarianisms and I am going to say that I like the stacks of hitters out there today even more than my reflection. It’s nice to a have pitcher who pitchers really good. I’m a fan of pitchers who look and pitch really good. But today, I’m deepening myself and taking a tour of “A Center for Hitters Who Can’t Read a Lefty Pitch So Good.” It’s my newest attempt at beautifying the future children of America.

Many of you may say that I’m punting pitching here. That’s a lie! I see beauty in these matchups. Vidal Nuno isn’t good, but he pitches solely with his left hand which is customary practice in some parts of the world. Did I just confuse his pitching with ass wiping? That’s actually normal if you’ve seen him pitch, but if you’ve seen the Mariners face a LHP then you know he’ll only need one square to get the job done. Pitching in the Mariners home park he’s a Safeco bet to give you a quality start and rack up some Ks. He’s a thrifty, nifty choice today at $6,200.

There’s some beautiful matchups out there today to exploit and we’re stacking across the board. If you haven’t given Draftkings a try, today’s a good day to play. First shot at winning real cash is on the house if you use this link. I got some more nice plays for you to check out, but don’t ever, EVER forget to pay homage to the DFSBot and his parents Stream-O-Nator and HitterTron.

Please, blog, may I have some more?