Fantasy Baseball Advice

After 85 years, Yankee Stadium closed its doors last night. Some of the landmark feats that occurred there include, Dale Berra once did a line of coke in the very place where his Dad said something bordering on stupid, but was misconstrued as brilliant, Bernie Williams once tossed a guitar pick to Jeter who used it to de-semenate Jessica Alba and Babe Ruth once told Lou Gehrig, “You should’ve just got herpes like me.” But alas Yankee Stadium’s bidding us adieu. Here’s hoping all of the graffiti artists, trench-coated scalpers, pickpockets and general nogoodniks find their way across the street to the new park. Maybe they can drive a stolen car over there. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joey Devine – Devine was called on to pickup his first save in yesterday’s game. So Ziegler was overworked, right? Wrong. Ziegler was brought into the eighth inning, yet there was no discernible reason why he worked the eighth and was not saved (punny!) for the ninth. The only reason that seems plausible is the A’s want Devine to be their closer in 2009, with Ziegler taking the 7th or 8th innings, and sometimes both. Both pitcher profile better for these roles and Devine has done all he needs to do to prove himself this year. His ERA and WHIP are almost as fly as my mustache.

John Lackey – 6 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER and 12 Ks. Later this week, he might get nothing but a tuneup for the playoffs.

Hank Blalock – HR yesterday. Mentioned to pickup Blalock on Friday. Somehow he made it through the whole weekend without injuring himself so he’s still an add.

Chone Figgins – Back in the starting lineup finally after being sidelined with SSE — Scrawny Sore Elbow. The Angels will probably continue to rest him here and there this week, so he’s no guarantee to play in every game.

Garrett Atkins – HR yesterday for his 20th. Supposed to hit 20 home runs by the All-Star break. Did he get old at the age of 28 or something?

Paul Konerko – HR yesterday. 9 home runs since August 1st, which isn’t exactly a new record or anything, but he’s been usable, especially with the injuries he’s battled.

Scott Lewis – 5 IP, 3 ER. Recorded the win, but barely got out of this one alive as he walked or allowed a base hit to just about everyone he saw.

Diasuke Matsuzaka – 7 IP, 0 ER. Supposed to start on Friday, but you should be prepared for him to throw a short game as he prepares for the playoffs.

David Ortiz – 4th home run in the last 6 games. Pure speculation on my part, but it seems like he got a cortisone shot in his wrist and now it’s paying dividends as the Sawx head to the playoffs. Just as the people on Yawkey would want it. (Again, I’m not a doctor and I don’t even know if you can get a cortisone shot in your wrist. This is all Cust kayin’.)

Roy Oswalt – Only throw 79 pitches so he can throw 80 more in three days if the Astros are still in the Wildcard race, then will start again next Monday if there’s reason to make up the game with the Cubs.

Adam LaRoche – Sore hamstring took him out of the game. He day-to-day, which is slightly less painful than listening to Soul 2 Soul.

Pablo Sandoval – Missed the last two games because of a strained quad. During a press conference, Sandoval’s strained quad said, “Have you seen the size of the guy I’m helping carry around? Next question!” Apparently strained relations, as well.

There’s just over a week left on the season. Really, at this point, anything goes in non-keeper leagues. If you don’t need home runs because the schmohawk right behind you is 12 home runs away, but you desperately need steals, why are you still carrying Adam Dunn? You waiting for his speed to come around? Pickup some steals. All you need is two saves to gain a point and you’re sitting on excess starters? Punt! Pickup some possible closers. Of course, you need to think about what the other fluffernutters in your league are doing? Are they going to snatch up your John Lackey as soon as you drop him? Then maybe you shouldn’t drop him. You need to suck every point out of your standings. Anyway, here’s some more fantasy baseball players to buy and sell:

BUY

Ryan Shealy – He was a prospect in the Rockies organization. Stuck behind Helton (<–’Member him? Nah, me neither.) then he finally saw the Light of Day (<–top five Michael J. Fox drama. Easily. Check out the mullet.) in Kansas City… Wait, with all of these parentheticals I don’t even know what I’m saying. Oh, yeah, Shealy! Might stay hot for the last week of the season. You care if you win with Conor Jackson or Ryan Shealy? Didn’t think so.

Taylor Teagarden – A catching Kevin Maas or Mike Piazza’s catcher? The Legend of Taylor Teagarden grows. He’s haunted!

Pablo Sandoval – I can’t tout Chubb Rock any more than I have. He’s not heavy, he’s my catcher.

Chris Iannetta – Hopefully, the Rox will move Torrealba in the offseason and give the the kid the full-time gizz-ig.

Mark Teahen – Good month for guy’s whose last names start with Tea-.

Scott Lewis – You know those lookout machines at tourist attractions that you have to put money in to see through? A company that manufactures them should have the same motto as Scott Lewis, “Worth a look.” (BTW, that was the longest setup ever.)

Sean Gallagher – Gets the Mariners next, which brings me to this…

Any Pitcher Facing the Mariners, Nots, Padres, Pirates – This list of pitchers will get longer next week because as teams are eliminated or clinch they might sit their vets. For instance, the Sawx don’t seem that threatening when everyone’s out the lineup.

Hank Blalock – Actually, I have this schmohawk on a few teams. Yuck, I know. But when you’re (bla)locked in, you do what you do.

Aaron Cunningham – Nice combination of power and speed. So far in his audition with the big league club, he’s received rave reviews for his spot-on portrayal of a big leaguer. Only thing that worries me is his friend, Potsie.

Asdrubal Cabrera – If I push The Dribble any more, people will call me for a travel.

Eugenio Velez – Razzball and its constituents told you to pick up this guy in March! Sure, it took him six months to get hot, but we were writing that post for our dyslexic readers that are just now reading March’s posts. Dur.

SELL

John Lackey/Josh Beckett/Scott Kazmir/Ervin Santana/Carlos Zambrano/Ted Lilly/Ryan Dempster – Are you seeing a pattern? You can add Johan, Hamels, Sabathia, Sheets, etc to this list if their team clinches.

Jeff Francis – Shut. Down.

B.J. Upton – Turning down a BJ? I know! Eh, the Rays are in the playoffs and they need Upton for that. He’s probably going to be babied this last week.

Yunel Escobar – I can’t imagine he’s on any non-keeper teams, but if he is. Well, you’re not paying attention anyway.

Justin Duchscherer – He was returning this weekend suppose. (BTW, the “dly” on supposedly seems completely unnecessary and I’m done with it. ) But he got shutdown, as I mentioned this morning.

Rickie Weeks – I mentioned this morning Weeks is dead to Sveum.

Manny Parra – Get out of my streamers and get into my bullpen car!

Did Longoria outproduce Alex Gordon? Yeppers. Ryan Braun? Nopers. Somewhere in the middle’s not a bad place to be, ask Malcolm and Monie Love. Three home runs last night gave Longoria 25 on the year in only 111 games. What’s really nice to see is he hit these three after sustaining a broken wrist. He should be safe for the last week-plus of the season, but I have to think the Rays are going to rest him a bit during next week’s games because the franchise’s first playoff series means a bit more. So keep that in mind going forward. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Erik Bedard – Has a torn labrum and it could mean… Well, it could mean nothing for Bedard for a while, if ever again. The Mariners lost Adam Jones, George Sherrill and three prospects for Nadir Bupkus. “Bad trades are a part of baseball; I mean who can forget Milt Pappas for Frank Robinson for gosh sakes.”

Shaun Marcum – Marcum down for done.

Cameron Maybin – 4-for-4 yesterday. Right now, I’m not that excited for this year, but he might get a legit shot next year.

Ben Sheets – In a followup to his sore arm, the GM said today, “He’s got pain, and he sometimes can pitch with it, and he sometimes can’t.” Ringing endorsement! I went over why dropping Sheets was probably the way to go.

Troy Percival – Pitched for the first time in a week, throwing a scoreless eighth, only to watch Wheeler blow the save. Percival will now be back in the closer’s role as long as he stays healthy.

Chris Perez – More than likely not in the closer’s role anymore as he tried to give away last night’s game. Jason Motte figures to see any saves in the last week plus.

Rickie Weeks – First at-bat in 5 days. Every time Ned Yost started Weeks you know Sveum was cringing, muttering that if he were manager he would never start Weeks.

Zach Greinke – 8 IP, 2 hits. I think at this point I’ve been Greinke’d.

Justin Duchscherer – From the files of, “Dur.” His bullpen session was cut short because of pain. Surprise, surprise. He’s done for the year.

Tim Lincecum – Bit of a scary moment for Lincecum in yesterday’s game. The 118 pitches? Nah, he usually does that by the seventh. The scary moment came in the second when Lincecum tried to bunt a Randy Johnson fastball and it smashed his fingers into the bat. He came back with taped fingers and continued on like nothing happened. Later on, Lincecum won a between-innings chili cook-off, taught some youngsters how to use radiometric dating to disapprove The DaVinci Code and then saved Dunn out in the kiddie pool. Wear floaties, big man!

You know how you never really see yourself for who you are? Right, well, I wonder if Sheets doesn’t see himself as injury-prone. Instead, Sheets sees everyone else and thinks they’re Magoo’ing their way through their life. He sits in the locker room and he’s like, “Wow, Fielder I can’t believe you didn’t just twist your ankle right there!” And Fielder looks at him confused, “Ben, I was just tying CC’s shoelaces for him.” (Cause Prince and CC obviously have to tie each other’s shoelaces.) Also, I wonder if Sheets’s family is constantly trying to get him out of harm’s way. His wife, “Let Ben Jr. go get you some more flapjacks from the buffet. Those heatlamps look hot.” Either way, Sheets is injured. A few starts ago he complained of groin tightness. That was obviously bull–Sheets now is complaining of elbow pain. I’d make plans to be without Sheets and drop him if you need the roster room. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adam LaRoche/David Ortiz/Hunter Pence – Each with 2 HRs. In my barbecue grill’s vernacular, I’d say these players are HOO or Hot Off Off. I’m sure a lot of you wouldn’t mind a HOW or a WHO or even a WOW.

Edwin Encarnacion – Has pain in his wrist. Never a good place for a hitter to have pain. Also, now is the time of the year when people mysteriously sit out for a week even though they are only day-to-day. Yes, BJ Upton, I’m talking to you.

Hanley Ramirez - 2 HRs. Rejoice! Unfortunately, he came out of the game with shoulder soreness. Dejoice! Though he says he shouldn’t miss more than a game at most. Re-rejoice!

Brad Ziegler – Gave up his first major league home run, but his season ERA is only 0.82, which is actually bested by his teammate, Devine at 0.65. Incredible years these two are having. I think Devine’s going to be closing next year and Ziegler will be setting him up, but stay tuned.

Ty Wigginton – Finally was able to take some weight off his teammates and chip in an 0-for-4.

Cliff Lee – Didn’t have his best stuff, but before this bizarro season that would’ve meant he was rocked for ten runs. Instead he got hit around a little, but it wasn’t that awful and just missed recording his 23rd win.

Chone Figgins – Elbow pain from being hit by a pitch isn’t going away. He has no idea why. I have an idea; he weighs a buck-thirty soaking wet and he has skinny, granny bones. I’d expect the Angels to rest him right up until the playoffs.

Tony Peña – As of right now, Peña and Qualls are probably sharing closing duties. That’s if Qualls isn’t hiding an injury, which he might be because he should have been out there for the save last night. Stuck an nena on his en and called it macaroni…

Jeff Francis – Done for the year. Back date this to April.

Michael Young – Left the game yesterday because of pain in his fractured finger. He’s been trying to play through it to get to 200 hits. Don’t worry, Young, when it’s time, I’m sure the Hall of Fame committee will ignore your accomplishments either way.

Aaron Harang – Complete game shutout. Lots of offense all around baseball yesterday and Harang comes out smelling like roses. You say tomato, Harang says tomahto… You say elevator, Harang says lift…

Carlos Gomez – HR yesterday and now has 13 RBIs in the last 7 days. Watch CarGo go.

Brandon Knight – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks. Gets out of KITT, throws a decent couple of innings, but is benefited by facing the Nots, then gets back in KITT and drives off.

Ryan Shealy – Of course he hit a home run. Was there any doubt he would hit one today?

Freddy Garcia – Yes, he looked fine tonight. Yes, he used to be decent. No, I don’t want any part of him. But he goes against the Royals next. Fine, in some deep leagues you can look.

Travis Hafner – HR yesterday. The Comatose Indians Fan can’t wait to see who the Indians are matching up with in the playoffs. Maybe the Tigers! Meanwhile, in Michigan, a young man wakes from a six month coma. He turns on Sportscenter to see the Tigers scored 17 runs with most of the runs coming from the bottom of the order. “They are just like the ‘27 Yanks!” Comatose Tigers Fan can’t wait to see his team beat the Yankees in the playoffs.

James ‘Dr. Freeze’ Andrews – bah!  Not when Canada’s finest caribou and shoulder surgeon can do it on the Canadian dime (worth $.09). Erik Bedard will go under the knife for what they are calling exploratory surgery. How appropriate for a pitcher that shares his name with a Viking. Hopefully, it turns out as well as Carlos Silva’s trip to the doctor when his rectal bleeding was diagnosed as his body repelling the massive amounts of salsa he’s eaten throughout the season. Stay tuned, this surgery could effect Bedard’s 2009. The USS Mariner has already sunk, and now they have to start worrying about next year being lost to sea. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Volstad – 8 IP, 4 hits, 1 ER. The Astros quadrupled their hit total of the last two games. Zoinks!

Asdrubal Cabrera – HR yesterday. Since I told you to pickup Asdrubal, he continues to be productive.

Josh Beckett – Red State Jeter threw eight innings of three hit baseball against the Rays. Encouraging sign going forward or he just likes facing the Rays? You make the call!

Shaun Marcum – Left the start with forearm numbness. Drop him. He’s done.

Fernando Tatis – Done for the year with a separated shoulder. Right now his mom must be a praying Tatis — oofa!

Ryan Shealy – Don’t skim past this name. HR yesterday and… I see you skimming. Stop! He has five home runs in the last four games. Ride the hot streak.

CC Sabathia/Prince Fielder – CC finally got his first loss.  Fielder finally is on a roll again hitting 2 HRs.  Can’t you see – it’s a see-saw.  Only one can be high at a time.

Fernando Rodney – Blew a 2 run-lead in the 9th without registering an out.  It’s become so commonplace for him to blow saves that we call Kazaam whenever he comes in.  Because if he’s pitching, it’s automatically going to be a non-save situation for the Tigers.

Todd Jones – We miss you.

Dan Haren – Nothing like pitching against SF to right the ship.  9 IP, 0 ER, 12 Ks.  The Giant offense is the equivalent of a rebound fuck….

Matt Cain – 7 IP, 7 Ks, 2 ER. After struggling for a little over a month, just needed to face the Diamondbacks to look decent. Still wouldn’t trust him going forward.

James Parr – 4 1/3 innings, 4 earned runs and 10 hits as Parr hit a bogey.

Brandon Morrow – 4 IP, 6 ER. What frustrates me further, I told everyone not to go near him when he returned. Then he threw a great game against the Yankees and seemed to be properly stretched out. Surprise, he’s not.

Derek Lowe – Since an awful May, he’s been amazing.  127 IP, 11 W, 2.90 ERA, 1.02 WHIP.  With his sinker working so well, Torre was tempted to call him White Wang, but that name’s already taken by someone in nearby San Fernando Valley.