CC Sabathia – Winner of the ‘rented mule’ award for the 2nd straight year.  Pitching on 3 days rest for the 3rd start in a row, he went 120+ pitches on Sunday to pitch the Brewers to the playoffs.  Hopefully this rented mule doesn’t get beaten in the playoffs like last year.

Any Hitters or Pitchers on the Tigers, White Sox and Twins – Yahoo doesn’t count tomorrow’s games. This is a travesty in roto. Tomorrow’s games are part of the season. If the White Sox win, the one day playoff on Tuesday between the Twins and White Sox are also a part of the season. This is just lazy on Yahoo’s part. Everyone is aware that ESPN is completely free, right? As for tomorrow, pickup anyone that could help you. If you’re unable to be caught in ERA and WHIP, grab middle relievers for the chance for a vulture win. If you’re fine in average, grab any hitter that could possibly contribute.

Ryan Ludwick – Finishes the year with .299/37/112.  Just as we predicted…for, um, Manny Ramirez.  Remember those hitting stats next time someone says “Hitters are much more predictable than pitchers.”

Freddy Garcia – Pitching Monday and likely will pitch the White Sox into the playoffs for the 2nd time in his career.  Unfortunately, he’s not on the White Sox this year.

Josh Outman – Loses for the A’s ending up 1-2 in a yawnstipating 4 start audition for the A’s this September.  His last name is fitting just not in the way he’d like.  He’s not “The Outman,” he’s just likely gonna be told “Out, man!” when he competes for the A’s rotation next spring.

Randy Johnson – After a year or two of impotence, the Big Unit is back in thrust mode.  A complete game win against the Rockies gives him a winning record for the year (11-10) and an impressive # of starts (30), IP (184) and K/BB (173/45).  With 295 career wins, he’ll likely be returning for another season.  Jamie Moyer will be doing the same as he’s only 54 wins away from 300… *rechecks player profile* Oh, wait, is that 54 years old?

Mike Mussina – Finally got to 20 wins, but he was unable to finish the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle.  Luckily, Rivera was there to finish up the puzzle.

NL Cy Young – Webb has the 22 wins, Lincecum has the 265Ks, Santana has the best ERA and WHIP.  Our pre-season picks of Peavy and Hamels aren’t looking so good… (But don’t forget Grey told you to pickup Nady on the 4th day of the season. Nady!)

Vernon Wells – 2 HRs. Doesn’t his name sound like a city in upstate New York? *old-timey voice* When I was a kid in Vernon Wells, New York, we didn’t have fantasy baseball. We had baseball. And we had fantasy. If you combined fantasy and baseball, you were gay.

Mariano Rivera – Done for the year with a sore shoulder. I imagine Girardi’s so pissed at the mess Torre left him that he can’t even watch a movie that stars Paul Sorvino. Joba Chamberlain will close in Mariano’s place.

Pedro Martinez – Pedro really wanted to help the Mets in some big games. He’s not. It’s actually pretty depressing watching him pitch. He was incredible for some many years. Last night I kinda felt like I was watching him for the last time. Guys who carry around dwarfs aren’t supposed to go out like this!

Micah Hoffpauir – 5-for-5 with 2 HRs yesterday. He had a huge season at Triple-A this year and should see playing time this weekend. Definitely worth a look.

Scot Shields – Got the save yesterday and might get more this weekend as the Angels prepare for the playoffs.

Cliff Lee – Good chance he does NOT pitch on Sunday. (Supersized “not” is for our elderly readers. Hey, they’re showing Car 54, Where Are You? reruns! Ever notice how old people always specify when something is a rerun? Like we didn’t know a show that was off the air for 20 years wasn’t live.)

Mark Reynolds – Sets the strikeout record with 201 Ks. In the beginning of the year, Reynolds said he would not let striking out hinder his approach at the plate. Here’s the thing, Whiffie. 201 strikeouts kinda hinders your approach at the plate. Cust kayin’.

Anibal Sanchez – Lost his last start of the year to rain. Damn, Joba, stop dancing.

Troy Percival – Returned to action yesterday. Had this to say, “The run in from the bullpen is a bit much. Maybe we should bring back the bullpen cars.”

Yovani Gallardo – Did what was expected. Pitched well for 4 innings. Thankfully he didn’t reinjure himself. But there’s always the playoffs.

Carlos Gomez – 4-for-5 yesterday. Obviously he likes playing in April and September.

Kaz Matsui – 3-for-3 yesterday. He’s hit in 7 straight. Those chasing steals in these final days might wanna look at K-Mat aka Godzilla Jr.

Ichiro Suzuki – Supposedly some Mariners players wanted to knock Ichiro out. As in punch him and not stop. Here’s the story. Few things spring to mind — Point #1, All the players on that team and Ichiro is the one you want to beat up? The Mariners play the blame game as well as they play baseball. Point #2, Have any of them seen him run to first? Who was going to catch him? Carlos Silva? Which brings me back to point number #1. Beat up Carlos Silva! Point #3, Ichiro will crane kick your ass. Wax on, wax off, Jose Lopez.

Mark DeRosa – HR yesterday and then a leg injury forced him out of the game. Ah, the agony and the ecstasy… What? I was being poetic.

Hank Blalock – HR yesterday for the 4th game in a row. I told you to pick up Blalock two days before he hit his first. But whatever, you like to be difficult. It’s your thing.

Michael Young – 4-for-4, I think he still has, like, a fractured finger or something. If not scoring the winning run would help the Rangers go into extra innings and allow Young a chance for 200 hits, he would not score that run.

Carlos Zambrano – Since his no-hitter, he’s been a crap satay.

Willy Taveras – Done for the season with a stress fracture. Back date this to August. Dude stole 68 bases this year and collected only 64 runs. According to Elias Sports Bureau, this is the first time in a long time, maybe even forever, that someone stole as many as 68 bases and failed to score that many runs. Okay, maybe they didn’t say that. But here are some things heard around Elias Sports Bureau’s office in the last week, “Gloria, Roy’s secretary, said ‘It’s Jayson Stark calling’ thirty-eight times this week for a new office record,” “Roy said ‘Tell Stark I’m in a meeting’ a record thirty-eight times this week,” and “For a record ten times in one day, Mike coughed “loser” when asked if he was going to William’s birthday party.”

David DeJesus – Left yesterday’s game with a high hip flexor something or other. May not play again this year. Buh-but the Royals are fighting for 4th place!

Edinson Volquez – Likely done for the year. Finally drafting Cueto and Harang before Volquez looks like a smart move.

Andy Pettitte – Done for the year. Aceves will start on Saturday. I like that start, friend.

Ryan Franklin – Got another save. Looks like he’s the Cards closer for the final weekend. Do take note, save vultures.

Manny Delcarmen – There’s more vulture saves where that came from, carcass breath. The Sawx rested Papelbon and gave the save to Manny of Carmen.

Cameron Maybin – 3-for-3 with a steal before leaving the game with a stiff hip. Two stiff hips and he wouldn’t be able to walk out of the bar. Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Eubanks.

Rafael Furcal – Was activated from the DL, and got into the game as a pinch hitter in the 8th inning. I wouldn’t expect too much from him these final few days; Torre says he’ll play “here and there. And I love cannolis.”

Adam Wainwright – In his last start of the year, gave up two earned in six innings. Decent return from injury in the 2nd half. That real upside of his struggles this year will be the fresh arm he’ll have next year. He’ll be on 75% of my teams next year, fo sho.

Mark Reynolds – His 199th K last night to tie the major league record. Earlier in the year, Rudy and I had a friendly wager going for who would strikeout the most, Cust or Reynolds. Unless Cust Ks eight more times than Reynolds this weekend, I should have it locked up. In other words, this bet is still very much undecided.

Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 2 ER. Last start of the year and he’s had prettier ones. I will write a lot more about Jobacum this offseason.

Todd Jones – He’s thrown his last 76 MPH fastball as he announced his retirement in his The Sporting News column. Other topics he covered in his column, “Real Men Rely on Finesse,” “Pussies Throw Fast,” and “Where have you gone, Fu Manchu mustache?” Pour some prune juice out for Jones.

Brandon Moss – With a divot forming on his knee, he needs surgery that will sideline him for 6-8 months. Can’t they just fill his knee in with some sod? Steven Pearce should see action in his stead. Yo, watch where you’re standing! That’s my stead!

Asdrubal Cabrera – Wasn’t supposed to start his suspension until Thursday, but he started it yesterday. Drop The Dribble while he serves his three game suspension.

Ryan Shealy – HR yesterday. The Royals as a team are hot, which is to say they are one game out of last place. Rooting for the Royals is like rooting for your widowed Granny to find a male suitor. It’s nice to see her happy, but you don’t want to see her too happy because that’s just weird.

Chad Billingsley – I love this sumbitch. As Scully may have said (I didn’t watch), Billingsley might not have had his best tonight, but the Padres haven’t had their best all season. The Dodgers are looking like they’re playoff bound. This might cost Billingsley a start on Sunday.

Cliff Pennington – Did nothing yesterday, but he has speed and the A’s have been playing him at 2nd. He’s worth a flier for steals.

Wandy Rodriguez – 5 IP, 0 ER and 7 Ks. The Magic Wandy was strait-jacketed and dunked in a tank of E-9 by Wigginton, causing him to loss because of two unearned runs.

Evan Longoria – HR yesterday. The Rays pulled the ol’ Little League switcheroo yesterday in the second game of the DH. They sat some regulars then let them all pinch hit in the 8th as the Rays rallied for 6 runs. Free soft serve for everyone!

Tim Lincecum – Gave up four earned runs in only 4 and a third innings, but no fear he still threw 102 pitches. I have to think this carves Webb’s name on the Cy Young that the Giants so desperately wanted Lincecum to win more than ever make it through another healthy season.

Kenji Johjima – This KazIwadome rewarded patient owners with a 3-for-4 night and 3 RBIs. And by ‘patient owners,’ I mean owners that haven’t checked their fantasy baseball team since March when they auto-drafted Johjima.

Javier Vazquez – 4 IP, 5 ER. Guillen pulled a Mickey and asked to see Vazquez’s conjones. Vazquez showed marbles.

Scott Baker – 7 IP, 1 ER. Watch your feet, Baker’s throwing down a gauntlet.

Ryan Franklin – Grabbed the save yesterday, while Motte closed out the 7th inning and Chris Perez nailed down the 2nd out of the 8th inning.

Augie Ojeda – Batted 2nd and played 3rd base in the Diamondbacks biggest game of the season. Yost and Melvin obviously had a gentlemen’s bet of $1 to see who could get fired the latest in the season.

Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 5 ER and 12 earned over the last 21 and 1/3 innings. Comatose Indians fan, “Cliff, save some for the playoffs!”

Edinson Volquez – 7 and 1/3 innings, 1 ER and 9 Ks, but was pulled after only 98 pitches. Maybe Dusty let Paper, Rock, Ulnar Collateral Ligament Reconstruction Surgery Scissors decide.

Rich Harden – The Cubs begin to setup their playoff rotation by pushing Harden’s start from Tuesday to Thursday. (This is another reason why H2H is lame. You have playoffs in your league when many players aren’t even interested in the outcome of the games. This is also a solid reason to load up on Mets, Phillies, Diamondbacks, Dodgers and Brewers as they fight for their lives.)

Chris Dickerson – Looking invulnerable for almost a month until his one weakness was exposed, the Achilles. Dickerson has an Achilles stress fracture and he’s done for the year. Don’t worry, Dickerson, I’ll make sure you show up on a sleeper list or two in ’09. Toodles for now.

Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-5 as he returned from shoulder pain to watch his Marlins get officially eliminated. The Marlins might shutdown Hanley before the Nots’ series to avoid further injury for their prized shortstop. Unless they feel compelled to give all the paying Nots fans their money’s worth, which is approximately $4.75.

Jake Peavy – Goes from a two start pitcher to a one start pitcher as his start is pushed back from Tuesday to Thursday. Peaved? Yeah, you are.

Brandon Webb – Won his 22nd game and puts the Cy Young pressure on Lincecum to throw 140 pitches next time out. A Cy Young is soooo (I almost went with two extra snarky ohs, but I felt like three was necessary) much more important than a healthy pitcher next year.

Joey Devine – Got a Hold yesterday as he entered the eighth. Well, there goes his save potential for this last week, right? Not so fast, Ralph Tresvant. Ziegler blew the save and was pulled from the ninth for Embree.

Ervin Santana – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks. On the year, he has an incredible 209/46 K/BB ratio. In case there’s anyone out there that doesn’t follow these sorts of statistics, that ratio is Santanalicious, as in Johan.

Kelly Johnson – HR yesterday. You’re going to look at his 82/12/67/.285/10 numbers next year and think, “He’s exactly what I need at 2nd base!” And he’s not bad, but, man, he gets yawnstipating for months at a time. BTW, my preseason projections for him were 85/17/65/.275/12. Pretty close, huh? I can’t wait until I go over all my preseason predictions this offseason to see how I did — all starting next week! That’s right, put on your excitement shoes!

Stephen Drew – HR yesterday. Hitting .351 with 5 HRs in September. Ain’t that right, Drew? True.

Dan Wheeler – Save yesterday. Bee tee dubya, Percival is not even with the team as he gets readied for the postseason (and middle age).

David DeJesus – 4-for-4 yesterday, in the midst of a 13-game hitting streak and batting over .350 in September. Groove is in DeJesus.

Miguel Cabrera – Lower back tightness forced him out of the game. Make sure you have a backup because the Tigers will not press him into action if he’s hurting.

Hank Blalock – HR yesterday and still healthy. Hank, there’s only six more days you have to live in that bubble! Keep on rollin’!

Joey Devine – Devine was called on to pickup his first save in yesterday’s game. So Ziegler was overworked, right? Wrong. Ziegler was brought into the eighth inning, yet there was no discernible reason why he worked the eighth and was not saved (punny!) for the ninth. The only reason that seems plausible is the A’s want Devine to be their closer in 2009, with Ziegler taking the 7th or 8th innings, and sometimes both. Both pitcher profile better for these roles and Devine has done all he needs to do to prove himself this year. His ERA and WHIP are almost as fly as my mustache.

John Lackey – 6 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER and 12 Ks. Later this week, he might get nothing but a tuneup for the playoffs.

Hank Blalock – HR yesterday. Mentioned to pickup Blalock on Friday. Somehow he made it through the whole weekend without injuring himself so he’s still an add.

Chone Figgins – Back in the starting lineup finally after being sidelined with SSE — Scrawny Sore Elbow. The Angels will probably continue to rest him here and there this week, so he’s no guarantee to play in every game.

Garrett Atkins – HR yesterday for his 20th. Supposed to hit 20 home runs by the All-Star break. Did he get old at the age of 28 or something?

Paul Konerko – HR yesterday. 9 home runs since August 1st, which isn’t exactly a new record or anything, but he’s been usable, especially with the injuries he’s battled.

Scott Lewis – 5 IP, 3 ER. Recorded the win, but barely got out of this one alive as he walked or allowed a base hit to just about everyone he saw.

Diasuke Matsuzaka – 7 IP, 0 ER. Supposed to start on Friday, but you should be prepared for him to throw a short game as he prepares for the playoffs.

David Ortiz – 4th home run in the last 6 games. Pure speculation on my part, but it seems like he got a cortisone shot in his wrist and now it’s paying dividends as the Sawx head to the playoffs. Just as the people on Yawkey would want it. (Again, I’m not a doctor and I don’t even know if you can get a cortisone shot in your wrist. This is all Cust kayin’.)

Roy Oswalt – Only throw 79 pitches so he can throw 80 more in three days if the Astros are still in the Wildcard race, then will start again next Monday if there’s reason to make up the game with the Cubs.

Adam LaRoche – Sore hamstring took him out of the game. He day-to-day, which is slightly less painful than listening to Soul 2 Soul.

Pablo Sandoval – Missed the last two games because of a strained quad. During a press conference, Sandoval’s strained quad said, “Have you seen the size of the guy I’m helping carry around? Next question!” Apparently strained relations, as well.

BUY

Ryan Shealy – He was a prospect in the Rockies organization. Stuck behind Helton (<–’Member him? Nah, me neither.) then he finally saw the Light of Day (<–top five Michael J. Fox drama. Easily. Check out the mullet.) in Kansas City… Wait, with all of these parentheticals I don’t even know what I’m saying. Oh, yeah, Shealy! Might stay hot for the last week of the season. You care if you win with Conor Jackson or Ryan Shealy? Didn’t think so.

Taylor Teagarden – A catching Kevin Maas or Mike Piazza’s catcher? The Legend of Taylor Teagarden grows. He’s haunted!

Pablo Sandoval – I can’t tout Chubb Rock any more than I have. He’s not heavy, he’s my catcher.

Chris Iannetta – Hopefully, the Rox will move Torrealba in the offseason and give the the kid the full-time gizz-ig.

Mark Teahen – Good month for guy’s whose last names start with Tea-.

Scott Lewis – You know those lookout machines at tourist attractions that you have to put money in to see through? A company that manufactures them should have the same motto as Scott Lewis, “Worth a look.” (BTW, that was the longest setup ever.)

Sean Gallagher – Gets the Mariners next, which brings me to this…

Any Pitcher Facing the Mariners, Nots, Padres, Pirates – This list of pitchers will get longer next week because as teams are eliminated or clinch they might sit their vets. For instance, the Sawx don’t seem that threatening when everyone’s out the lineup.

Hank Blalock – Actually, I have this schmohawk on a few teams. Yuck, I know. But when you’re (bla)locked in, you do what you do.

Aaron Cunningham – Nice combination of power and speed. So far in his audition with the big league club, he’s received rave reviews for his spot-on portrayal of a big leaguer. Only thing that worries me is his friend, Potsie.

Asdrubal Cabrera – If I push The Dribble any more, people will call me for a travel.

Eugenio Velez – Razzball and its constituents told you to pick up this guy in March! Sure, it took him six months to get hot, but we were writing that post for our dyslexic readers that are just now reading March’s posts. Dur.

SELL

John Lackey/Josh Beckett/Scott Kazmir/Ervin Santana/Carlos Zambrano/Ted Lilly/Ryan Dempster – Are you seeing a pattern? You can add Johan, Hamels, Sabathia, Sheets, etc to this list if their team clinches.

Jeff Francis – Shut. Down.

B.J. Upton – Turning down a BJ? I know! Eh, the Rays are in the playoffs and they need Upton for that. He’s probably going to be babied this last week.

Yunel Escobar – I can’t imagine he’s on any non-keeper teams, but if he is. Well, you’re not paying attention anyway.

Justin Duchscherer – He was returning this weekend suppose. (BTW, the “dly” on supposedly seems completely unnecessary and I’m done with it. ) But he got shutdown, as I mentioned this morning.

Rickie Weeks – I mentioned this morning Weeks is dead to Sveum.

Manny Parra – Get out of my streamers and get into my bullpen car!

Erik Bedard – Has a torn labrum and it could mean… Well, it could mean nothing for Bedard for a while, if ever again. The Mariners lost Adam Jones, George Sherrill and three prospects for Nadir Bupkus. “Bad trades are a part of baseball; I mean who can forget Milt Pappas for Frank Robinson for gosh sakes.”

Shaun Marcum – Marcum down for done.

Cameron Maybin – 4-for-4 yesterday. Right now, I’m not that excited for this year, but he might get a legit shot next year.

Ben Sheets – In a followup to his sore arm, the GM said today, “He’s got pain, and he sometimes can pitch with it, and he sometimes can’t.” Ringing endorsement! I went over why dropping Sheets was probably the way to go.

Troy Percival – Pitched for the first time in a week, throwing a scoreless eighth, only to watch Wheeler blow the save. Percival will now be back in the closer’s role as long as he stays healthy.

Chris Perez – More than likely not in the closer’s role anymore as he tried to give away last night’s game. Jason Motte figures to see any saves in the last week plus.

Rickie Weeks – First at-bat in 5 days. Every time Ned Yost started Weeks you know Sveum was cringing, muttering that if he were manager he would never start Weeks.

Zach Greinke – 8 IP, 2 hits. I think at this point I’ve been Greinke’d.

Justin Duchscherer – From the files of, “Dur.” His bullpen session was cut short because of pain. Surprise, surprise. He’s done for the year.

Tim Lincecum – Bit of a scary moment for Lincecum in yesterday’s game. The 118 pitches? Nah, he usually does that by the seventh. The scary moment came in the second when Lincecum tried to bunt a Randy Johnson fastball and it smashed his fingers into the bat. He came back with taped fingers and continued on like nothing happened. Later on, Lincecum won a between-innings chili cook-off, taught some youngsters how to use radiometric dating to disapprove The DaVinci Code and then saved Dunn out in the kiddie pool. Wear floaties, big man!

Adam LaRoche/David Ortiz/Hunter Pence – Each with 2 HRs. In my barbecue grill’s vernacular, I’d say these players are HOO or Hot Off Off. I’m sure a lot of you wouldn’t mind a HOW or a WHO or even a WOW.

Edwin Encarnacion – Has pain in his wrist. Never a good place for a hitter to have pain. Also, now is the time of the year when people mysteriously sit out for a week even though they are only day-to-day. Yes, BJ Upton, I’m talking to you.

Hanley Ramirez - 2 HRs. Rejoice! Unfortunately, he came out of the game with shoulder soreness. Dejoice! Though he says he shouldn’t miss more than a game at most. Re-rejoice!

Brad Ziegler – Gave up his first major league home run, but his season ERA is only 0.82, which is actually bested by his teammate, Devine at 0.65. Incredible years these two are having. I think Devine’s going to be closing next year and Ziegler will be setting him up, but stay tuned.

Ty Wigginton – Finally was able to take some weight off his teammates and chip in an 0-for-4.

Cliff Lee – Didn’t have his best stuff, but before this bizarro season that would’ve meant he was rocked for ten runs. Instead he got hit around a little, but it wasn’t that awful and just missed recording his 23rd win.

Chone Figgins – Elbow pain from being hit by a pitch isn’t going away. He has no idea why. I have an idea; he weighs a buck-thirty soaking wet and he has skinny, granny bones. I’d expect the Angels to rest him right up until the playoffs.

Tony Peña – As of right now, Peña and Qualls are probably sharing closing duties. That’s if Qualls isn’t hiding an injury, which he might be because he should have been out there for the save last night. Stuck an nena on his en and called it macaroni…

Jeff Francis – Done for the year. Back date this to April.

Michael Young – Left the game yesterday because of pain in his fractured finger. He’s been trying to play through it to get to 200 hits. Don’t worry, Young, when it’s time, I’m sure the Hall of Fame committee will ignore your accomplishments either way.

Aaron Harang – Complete game shutout. Lots of offense all around baseball yesterday and Harang comes out smelling like roses. You say tomato, Harang says tomahto… You say elevator, Harang says lift…

Carlos Gomez – HR yesterday and now has 13 RBIs in the last 7 days. Watch CarGo go.

Brandon Knight – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks. Gets out of KITT, throws a decent couple of innings, but is benefited by facing the Nots, then gets back in KITT and drives off.

Ryan Shealy – Of course he hit a home run. Was there any doubt he would hit one today?

Freddy Garcia – Yes, he looked fine tonight. Yes, he used to be decent. No, I don’t want any part of him. But he goes against the Royals next. Fine, in some deep leagues you can look.

Travis Hafner – HR yesterday. The Comatose Indians Fan can’t wait to see who the Indians are matching up with in the playoffs. Maybe the Tigers! Meanwhile, in Michigan, a young man wakes from a six month coma. He turns on Sportscenter to see the Tigers scored 17 runs with most of the runs coming from the bottom of the order. “They are just like the ’27 Yanks!” Comatose Tigers Fan can’t wait to see his team beat the Yankees in the playoffs.

Chris Volstad – 8 IP, 4 hits, 1 ER. The Astros quadrupled their hit total of the last two games. Zoinks!

Asdrubal Cabrera – HR yesterday. Since I told you to pickup Asdrubal, he continues to be productive.

Josh Beckett – Red State Jeter threw eight innings of three hit baseball against the Rays. Encouraging sign going forward or he just likes facing the Rays? You make the call!

Shaun Marcum – Left the start with forearm numbness. Drop him. He’s done.

Fernando Tatis – Done for the year with a separated shoulder. Right now his mom must be a praying Tatis — oofa!

Ryan Shealy – Don’t skim past this name. HR yesterday and… I see you skimming. Stop! He has five home runs in the last four games. Ride the hot streak.

CC Sabathia/Prince Fielder – CC finally got his first loss.  Fielder finally is on a roll again hitting 2 HRs.  Can’t you see – it’s a see-saw.  Only one can be high at a time.

Fernando Rodney – Blew a 2 run-lead in the 9th without registering an out.  It’s become so commonplace for him to blow saves that we call Kazaam whenever he comes in.  Because if he’s pitching, it’s automatically going to be a non-save situation for the Tigers.

Todd Jones – We miss you.

Dan Haren – Nothing like pitching against SF to right the ship.  9 IP, 0 ER, 12 Ks.  The Giant offense is the equivalent of a rebound fuck….

Matt Cain – 7 IP, 7 Ks, 2 ER. After struggling for a little over a month, just needed to face the Diamondbacks to look decent. Still wouldn’t trust him going forward.

James Parr – 4 1/3 innings, 4 earned runs and 10 hits as Parr hit a bogey.

Brandon Morrow – 4 IP, 6 ER. What frustrates me further, I told everyone not to go near him when he returned. Then he threw a great game against the Yankees and seemed to be properly stretched out. Surprise, he’s not.

Derek Lowe – Since an awful May, he’s been amazing.  127 IP, 11 W, 2.90 ERA, 1.02 WHIP.  With his sinker working so well, Torre was tempted to call him White Wang, but that name’s already taken by someone in nearby San Fernando Valley.

Ted Lilly – 7 IP, 1 hit allowed, 9 Ks. The Astros might officially be in a bit of a slump. No worries, Astros fans. Major League Baseball decided the Astros last homestand of the season will take place in Minute Maid Park, but can only be attended by fans showing up at the park in a Cubs jersey.

Ned Yost – Not really fantasy news other than to say the Brewers players have been simultaneously sucking and blowing for about two weeks now. Oh, and check out the poll on the right.

Matt Antonelli – First major league home run. Nick Tortelli still has zero.

Derrek Lee – First home run since August 22nd and the 2nd home run since July 27th. Now if he hits twenty more this week, all will be forgiven.

Brad Hennessey – 8 IP, 3 ER. A Diamondbacks team that is averaging about two runs a game for the last week made Hennessey look like cognac, but he’s really Mad Dog 20/20.

Chad Qualls – Got the save. If there was any doubt, he’s officially the Diamondbacks closer. Recognize!

Dontrelle Willis – 5 walks tell the story. The story is, “Don’t Pick Up Dontrelle.”

Juan Pierre – HR yesterday. Looks Rudy Gamble underestimated Juan Pierre.

Brandon McCarthy – Just when it seemed like he was starting to put something together, he hurt his finger. Probably be done for the season.

John Maine – Hoping to return to the Mets in the final week as their closer. Closing sounds like just the medicine a pitcher with an ailing shoulder needs.

Adrian Gonzalez – Another HR, for 4 in 5 games. Officially hot. Now if I only would’ve known to bench him for two months in the middle of the summer…

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 0 ER and 3 hits. This is exactly the kind of end of the season matchup you should be looking for. Team fighting for playoffs vs. Team deciding between Ohlendorf and Oh-who-gives-a-dorf.

David Price – In a relief appearance today against the Yankees, David Price made his major league debut. He pitched 5 and 2/3 innings, gave up 2 ER (only one really, the other scored off Hammel after he left) and he looked impressive against a top-notch offense. He’s scheduled for one start on September 23rd against the Orioles. He’s worth the spot start and he might have some value as a middle reliever for AL-Only teams the rest of the year, but David Price’s real value is in keeper leagues and for next year.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 1 ER with 9 Ks. Scherzer took it to the Reds like he was McCarthy.

Andy LaRoche – 3-for-4, but they were all singles. It’ll be interesting to see if the Pirates give LaRoche a chance to play next spring. It’ll be even more interesting to see if Andy LaRoche can live up to his billing as the superior LaRoche brother. Our prediction is that their performance doesn’t get the Pittsburgh faithful singing “We Are Family” anytime soon.

Aaron Cook – 8 IP, 0 ER, might have some value down the stretch if you’re streaming starters. Cook’s usually a pretty reliable, just above average pitcher.

Kevin Gregg – Pulled after pitching to one batter in the ninth. Lindstrom’s still the closer, he was just overworked. Gregg’s about as likely to take over the closer role again as the Marlins are to having a Fidel Castro Bobblehead Doll Day.

Phil Hughes – Will get the start this Wednesday against the White Sox. That doesn’t mean he needs to be on your team.

Vladimir Guerrero – Will sit out three to four games this week. I told you to drop Vlad the other day.

Andre Ethier – Missed the last two games of the Rockies series because his wife is giving birth. Will return to the team on Monday. Why isn’t Juan Pierre helping Ethier’s wife with Lamaze? Or freakin’ James Loney.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis! No, I am Sparkakis!

Oscar Salazar – 2 HRs. Who? Some total schmohawk, but he also went deep on Saturday. These last two days are surely aberrations (Word of the Day), but if he puts some aberrations together to turn them into regulariocities (Made Up Word of the Day), then you might want to grab him in H2H leagues.

Radhames Liz – 8 IP, 0 ER. Not an option in any league. Unless you’re in a league where your pitchers’ first names have to sound like an expensive condom.

Nick Blackburn – 4 IP, 6 ER. His last name and strikeout totals make him sound like a Pirate. He’s not, he’s a Twin and he has excellent command, which makes him yawnstipating but effective.

Oliver Perez – 7 IP, 2 ER. So consistently inconsistent that it was only fitting that the Mets’ consistently inconsistent bullpen blew his chance at a win.

Luis Ayala – Blew a big game for the Mets. The kind of game that pundits point to as the one that got away. Obviously no one ever told pundits it’s impolite to point. The blown save and breach of etiquette caused Billy Wagner to cry again.

Cameron Maybin – Will be called up on Monday. Could be cheap steals if the Marlins play him. SAGNOF.

Matt Garza – Will start on three days rest on Wednesday. This isn’t great news. He had a nice rhythm going where he was good every other start. This move might throw off his rhythm.

Jeremy Sowers – In three innings, Sowers gave up 3 ER on 75 pitches. Or about half as many pitches Lincecum threw in a shutout on Saturday.

Justin Upton – HR yesterday that went about 450 feet to straightaway center. I’ll be getting excited about this guy in the offseason.

Shane Victorino – HR in the first game, 4-for-4 in the second game. The Flyin’ Hawaiian got his wings back.

Brett Myers – 9 IP, 1 ER and only 2 hits. Afterwards, Brett felt really bad saying he didn’t mean two-hitter.

Mark Ellis – Out the rest of the season with a torn labrum. This gives Eric Patterson a boost in value as he fills in for Ellis. He has speed and he is a middle infielder, do you need to know more? Rhetorical!

Adrian Beltre – Debating whether to shut it down for the season to have surgery on his torn ligament in his thumb. Guess he doesn’t want to miss out on the race to a .400 winning percentage.

Francisco Liriano – Pitched a season-high eight innings at just the right time. He should be up to speed for spring training next year and ready to put together a solid season. I’m sure he’ll be on everyone’s winter “Players to Watch” list. He might be on my “Players That Are On Everyone’s ‘Players to Watch’ List And Have Suddenly Become Overpriced” list.

B.J. Upton – Might be used as pinch hitter this weekend, but he’s not playing on Friday, according to Maddon ’08.

George Sherrill – Will be back on Friday and thrust right into the closer’s role. If he’s out there and you need saves, there’s no reason not to grab him.

Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 2 ER, while walking 4. Here was the erratic pitcher from the minors. This is closer to what I would expect going forward, rather than the number he did on the Yankees last week.

Adrian Gonzalez - 2 HRs. Wow, did he take two and a half months off or what? With these two home runs, he has 10 home runs since July 1st. He had 10 home runs in May. As Thigpen would say, “Bleh!”

Josh Hamilton – Day-to-day with a bruised foot. You really can’t complain. You were getting high on his supply all summer.

Eugenio Velez – Another two hit night. If you pick him up, it doesn’t mean you endorse him. You’re just using him for a couple of days. Maybe a week.

Matt Cain – He took a dump sometime in August and it’s been running down his leg ever since. I would not be counting on him the rest of the way.

Rich Harden – Got the win in the return as he was limited to 86 pitches. His velocity was down; his moxy was up. If he can get through three more starts, consider yourself lucky.

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 4 ER and 10 Ks. The Ks are on the high side for him, but 6 IP with 3 to 4 earned runs is about what should be expected.

David Price – The Orioles are hinting he might start the September 23rd game. Presumably, after doing the weather for The Early Show.

Francisco Rodriguez – Tied Bobby Thigpen’s Major League record for saves. Bobby Thigpen watched the record-tying save from his personalized booth at his local Outback Steakhouse. When asked about what the record has meant to him, he said, “Bleh!” When pressed he said, “Bleh! Bleh!” When asked to elaborate, he burped.

Tom Gorzelanny – Left the game with an irritation in his middle finger. Pirates fans will happily give him their middle finger.

Scott Lewis – The Lewis without bunions threw 8 innings of shutout ball. He pitched well in the minors this year and I would take a flier in deep leagues. He gets the Twins next time out.

Eugenio Velez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, including the 2nd day in a row that he knocked in the game-winning runs. He’s a 2nd baseman with speed that might now get a majority of the starts over Ochoa.

Brian Wilson – 2nd blown save in a row (that I predicted in the comments yesterday and the day before). He’s not going anywhere as the closer unless he’s hiding an injury, which I doubt.

Joel Hanrahan – Kazaam!

Brandon Lyon – In a sign of solidarity with his fellow Diamondbacks pitchers, he blew his own win. He did manage to lower his post All-Star break ERA to 10.91.

Taylor Teagarden – HR yesterday for his 4th in 24 at-bats. Right now, the Rangers seem like the Rockies of the late 90s. They could plug in Luis Castillo and get 30/100. Yet still suck. Nelson Cruz, Chris Davis, Teagarden, they all homered yesterday and they all could homer tomorrow (or K three times). Recognize!

Kelly Shoppach – 2 HRs yesterday. I have Shoppach, Dioner and Doumit on three separate teams. One was an All-Star, one was hyped up and one backed up V-Mart. Guess which one is doing the best. Fantasy Baseball, this shizz is predictably unpredictable. Ya gotta love it.

Manny Ramirez – Nearly .400 while chipping in 14 HRs and 40 RBIs in 129 at-bats since joining the Dodgers. Good thing the Sawx got that albatross off from around their necks.

Ted Lilly – 8 IP, 1 ER. Wholly inconsistent and I wouldn’t want my fantasy baseball championship decided by this schmohawk, but you do what you do. He gets the Brewers next.

Kevin Slowey – 7 IP, 1 ER. Here’s a schmohawk I can get behind. He gets the Indians next.

James Parr – 6 IP, 0 ER and no relation to Jamie Farr. So far he’s thrown 12 innings of shutout ball. Maybe he’s just got hitters baffled because they haven’t seen him before. Deep leagues should be looking at him just in case he can keep it going. I have my doubts though.

Troy Percival – Left the game with back spasms. The Rays should just have Wheeler play 2nd when Percival pitches to save everyone time by doing a double switch. By his own admission, Percival will be out for a few days. I don’t think he said it in third person like Suede from Project Runway.

Felix Pie – Will see time down the stretch. Weird, cause I really thought Edmonds and Fukudome were doing a spot-on job.

Adam LaRoche – HR yesterday. He’s not only due, but he’s hot. Hot and due (yes, that does sound like a weird preggers porn) is a great combo to have in mid-September.

Kelly Johnson – 2 HRs yesterday. Against righties, he should be started on all teams. When he gets hot, he can put up very nice stats in a short period of time. He’s already hitting .486 in September. Get on that Johnson! (Um, huh?)

Cristian Guzman – 2 HRs yesterday. In other news, smoking is a healthy alternative to “just breathing.”

Brandon Phillips – Broken right index finger and his season comes to a close. I’m going to go over preseason projections vs. end of the season numbers in the off-season (we will have posts here all winter!), but I wanted to look real quick at what I wrote back in January, “Projections: 80/19/75/.240/25 and is benched in July because his slump is ‘all in his head.’” Well, he wasn’t benched until August for the slump that was “all in his head,” but let’s look at Brandon Phillips’s final numbers: 79/21/77/.262/23. Now, if you were here in April, this is not a surprise to you, but when he got hot in the beginning of the year, I told you to trade Brandon Phillips. And that’s me quoting me, linking to me and quoting me again!

Paul Konerko – Sprained MCL — which is not the Razzball Commenters League that is coming right down to the wire. Will it be the upstart girl? The other white meat? A dark horse? Stay tuned! Or not! That’s on you. — Konerko’s probably done for the year. You have to find someone else to hit home runs on your bench.

Andre Ethier – 23 for his last 46. That’s .500 or “What will win the NL West, Alex?”

Josh Anderson – Schmohawk I mentioned in Friday’s fantasy baseball players to get post, he stole a base yesterday and he’s been leading off for the Braves.

Wade LeBlanc – 6 IP, 1 ER. Risky going forward, but anyone who pitches their home games in Petco is a potential ace. I’m pointing my oversized foam finger at you, Baek.

Warner Madrigal – Got the save. Just when you think you understand what the Rangers are doing, they go and do some dumb shizz. This move is perplexing because Frank Francisco probably was available. Let’s hope Warner got the save because the Rangers wanted to see how he looked rather than anything being wrong with Francisco. Warner Madrigal? What’s that, a German songbird?

Alfredo Aceves – 7 IP, 1 ER. It’s been a while since Yankees fans had anything to get excited about, but Aceves looks like he could have some late-September value.

Troy Glaus – Day-to-day with a strained right shoulder. Look elsewhere.

Chris Volstad – Came out of the game when he was hit by a grounder. He should make his next start.

Dontrelle Willis – Skinny CC Sabathia will make a start next Monday against the A’s. Here’s hoping they let him hit so he has some value for the Tigers.

Carlos Delgado – 3-for-3, 2 HRs. He looks like a non-Latin 35 again.

Jeremy Sowers – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks. He’s someone to look at down the stretch in your leagues.

Eugenio Velez – Perhaps driving in the winning run will earn him some playing time. Ivan Ochoa, the speedy schmohawk that did start, is oh-for-September. Those that have lost Phillips and/or Upton recently might want to keep an eye on Velez. (That’s if you have two good eyes. If you wear an eye patch, don’t waste your one good eye on Velez.)

B.J. Upton – Out until the weekend with a strained quad. A B.J. quad strain is blue balls, no?

Emmanuel Burriss – For those who just lost Upton. Burriss got a steal yesterday. He might get 3+ steals this week. In all of my H2H leagues, I’m currently starting him. He goes from the Diamondbacks to the Padres later in the week. I could steal against the Padres; I’m not fast. (UPDATE: He was injured yesterday and is no longer a replacement option for Upton.)

Jack Wilson – Might be out for the season with a hairline fracture in his right index finger. Before you throw in the towel because you’ve lost Jack Wilson, take comfort in knowing you don’t own him on any team.

Tim Lincecum – 8.1 IP, 1 ER, 9 K and 126 pitches. I hope his innings/pitches this year don’t catch up to him next year. I do, because I think Lincecum could be special. With that said, why can’t these schmohawks limit him to 100 pitches when he’s up six runs? How much evidence do you need that high pitch counts lead to injuries? If you were making a run for the pennant, would you let him throw 180 pitches? Inconceivable!

Gary Sheffield – 2 HRs. Afterward Sheff said, “Sheff tried to hit the white off the baseball.”

Jon Lester – 7.2 IP, 9 Ks, 0 ER. Looks like Lester didn’t ask Make-A-Wish for just a no-hitter, but a whole season of productivity.

Jeremy Guthrie - Not pitching tomorrow because he has the “flu.” That’s short for he has a crapload of innings on his arm. If you’re still waiting around for him in leagues, I wouldn’t anymore.

Kevin Gregg – Will return on Tuesday and Fredi Gonzalez said he’ll continue to use Matt Lindstrom as the closer. Why? Because Gonzalez is in a H2H matchup and he owns Lindstrom, obviously.

Dave Bush – 8 IP, 2 ER. It’s only fitting that Bush comes right before Wood.

Brandon Wood – 2 HRs. I told you to pickup Brandon Wood on Friday, since then he has three HRs.

Yusmeiro Petit – 2 2/3 innings and 5 ER. And we might see Jobacum again after all. (Yes, Jobacum just came after Bush and Wood. And that’s how you make a triple-decker double entendre sandwich.)

Matt Antonelli – 1-for-21 since being called up. Don’t worry, Padres. You still have the future promise of Khalil Greene.

Albert Pujols – Said he’s considering Tommy John surgery in the offseason. Wasn’t Wagner enough for you, you monster?!

Verse One: Ice McLouth

Crazy motherf**ker named Nate McLouth…
From a gang called Piratez With Attitudes…
Sandoval hit blooper, cuz he was sawed off…
With an eye injury, Nate got hauled off…
Just when he started 100 Miles and Runnin’…
To steal 40 bases by Thursday, he was gunnin’…
Agent said, “Ya know, it looks better if you get to 20/20? Anyway, how’s the kids?”
“I don’t have any–”
“All right, now do the bidz.”
Depends on the newz out of Pittsburgh…
But the newz now all about Roethlisberg…er, Pirates who?
I’d be ready to cut lose McLouths…
Especially in H2H playoffs.
There’s just no time to be waiting around, son…
Look at Dukes, Werth, Shin-Soo Choo and Chris Dickerson.
All right, now you make the call…
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! Before we get into today’s roundup, just wanted to announce our Fantasy Football Forums. We won’t be covering fantasy football on the blog, but if anyone wants to discuss football, there’s a spot you can do it. Anyway:

Billy Wagner – Had a setback and now he seems done for the season. I would drop him if you need the room. Ayala hasn’t done much wrong to lose the job, besides being Ayala. But if Ayala can continue to be Ayala, then there’s no reason why Ayala can’t continue to get the saves — Ayala-style!

Chris Young – Took a perfect game into the 8th inning. It’s not surprising. I mean, I guess it is somewhat because he wasn’t in Petco. I wouldn’t hesitate to use him down the stretch. He’s way below most pitchers innings count for this time of the season.

Cliff Lee – Comatose Indians Fan just bought four tickets for right behind home for the first round of the playoffs. “Craigslist, Where No One Gets Ripped Off.”

Andrew McCutchen – Could see time if McLouth is out for a while. According to Elias Sports Bureau, this would be the first time in the history of baseball where one Mick would replace another Mick and neither player’s first name is Seamus.

David Purcey – 8 IP, 7 Ks, 0 ER and ruined what should have been a win for Garza. Purcey’s been wildly uneven, but there is a slight pattern of an every other start where he’s been usable, so make like Chicago and “Look Away” in his next start, then show Purcey’s he’s a “Hard Habit to Break” in the start after that.

Matt Garza – See a third of a centimeter above.

Brandon McCarthy – 5.1 IP, 6 ER, I warned all of youse to avoid him.

David Ortiz – Hit his 18th HR yesterday and first homer in 71 at-bats. Not bad for a guy that claims to be a Latin 32.

Adam Wainwright – After I picked him for September Cy Young (an award they are absolutely considering), 8 IP, 1 ER.

Chris Perez – Good to see him get another save because after his last two blown saves, I was starting the worry. Scotch + LaRussa = You Never Know.

Francisco Rodriguez – Recorded 55th save yesterday. I placed him 6th on the list of major league closers for September because I think he gets the 58th save and then the Angels let Arrendondo get a few as they rest K-Rod for the playoffs. Also, that makes Arrendondo more attractive for those chasing saves.

Kerry Wood – Back-to-back poor outings, there’s reason to be concerned. Cust kayin’.

Paul Konerko – 3 HRs in last three games. Has batted over .320 since the All-Star break and over .420 in the last seven games.

Taylor Teagarden – 2 home runs in the last three starts. For those in 2 catcher leagues, you might do well with an herbal Teagarden infusion. The issue is his starts are a bit scatter shot, so you have to watch to see when he’s playing and then put him in your lineup.

Jamie Moyer – 7 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER. He’s one of those players that I can’t recommend ever. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America and all pharmacists.

Wandy Rodriguez – Left after one inning after re-aggravating his oblique. Vague, for sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the next time we see Wandy is in April of ’09.

Jeff Clement – I don’t think this affects that many of you, but he’s done for the year. He might be in the Mariners plans for ’09 or knowing the Mariners they might look to acquire someone like Pudge.

Ty Wigginton – Here’s one that affects just about everyone who has read Razzball in the last month. He has a groin strain, which is not quite Jockular Sphincteritis, but hurts just the same. Will sideline him for 7-10 days. Comes at a tough time for Wigginton and his owners.

Jose Lopez/Ryan Feierabend – Yesterday, 2 HRs and 7 IP, 2 ER, respectively. Sorry to make this like ESPN where every team’s news somehow relates to the Yankees, but… Well, that’s that. When the shizz is on the line and you’re losing games to the Mariners like they’re a powerhouse, you need to do like Angela Bassett in her courageous performance of Tina Turner in “What’s Love Got To Do With It” and find your strength from deep within and get away from Ike. Or something.

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for $10 schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes, Jesse Crain)
2. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
3. Brad Lidge, PHI (Ryan Madson, Chad Durbin)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Joba Chamberlain, Jose Veras)
5. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez)
6. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Jose Arredondo, Scot Shields, Justin Speier)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

7. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Octavio Dotel, Matt Thornton, Scott Linebrink)
8. Francisco Cordero, CIN (David Weathers)
9. Jonathan Broxton, LAD (Hong-Chih Kuo, Joe Beimel)
10. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
11. Salomon Torres, MIL (Eric Gagne, Guillermo Mota)
12. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
13. Brian Fuentes, COL (Manny Corpas, Taylor Buchholz)
14. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
15. Frank Francisco, TEX (Joaquin Benoit)
16. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Jon Rauch, Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
17. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell)
18. Chris Perez, STL (Ryan Franklin, Chris Carpenter)

BRAIN FREEZE

I’m going to a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and broke Pena’s thumb with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Kerry Wood, CHI (Carlos Marmol, Bob Howry, Jeff Samardzija)
20. Matt Capps/John Grabow, PIT (Denny Bautista)
21. Brad Ziegler, OAK (Huston Street, Joey Devine)
22. Jensen Lewis, CLE (Rafael Betancourt, Rafael Perez)
23. Fernando Rodney, DET (Kyle Farnsworth)
24. J.J. Putz, SEA (Sean Green)
25. Mike Gonzalez, ATL (Blaine Boyer, Will Ohman)
26. Joel Hanrahan, WAS (Saul Rivera)
27. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell)
28. Luis Ayala, NYM (Billy Wagner, Aaron Heilman, Al Reyes, Duaner Sanchez)
29. Matt Lindstrom/Joe Nelson, FLA (Kevin Gregg)
30. Jamie Walker, Dennis Sarfate, Jim Palmer, Senator Clay Davis, BAL (George Sherrill)

Ian Kinsler – Kinsler’s done for the season. Back date this to last month when I told you he was done.

Carlos Zambrano – Big Z got inflammation of the thingie he uses to throw a baseball. Not good, ya’ll. Maybe the 247,000 pitches the last couple of years weren’t the best idea. Just a guess.

Joey Votto – I chose to put Votto in my fantasy baseball keeper post yesterday and he rewarded us with a home run. You’re welcome.

Torii Hunter – HR yesterday. His season can be found next to yawnstipating in the Razzball glossary.

Ramon Ramirez – When Fogg left with a groin injury, he came on to pitch a perfect three innings. I like to think Dusty told him to do the exact opposite of what Fogg did and Ramirez is just a very good listener. Ramirez should get some starts down the stretch and could excel simply because hitters won’t be familiar with him, while possibly facing some B lineups.

Billy Wagner – Supposed to return next Tuesday. I see a blown save in the Mets’ future for next Wednesday.

Kevin Gregg – Said he should be ready to go next week at this time. I see blown saves (<–that’s plural, Razzballers!) in the Marlins’ future.

Travis Snider – 3-for-3 and HR yesterday. In yesterday’s comments, I said, “Shorthand, (Snider’s) a lot like Chris Davis and Jay Bruce. He strikes out a lot and he has power. He could also catch pitchers under prepared to get him out and he could have a solid three weeks. In other words, worth a flier, but he might go 0-for-next week. He’s very underdeveloped.” And that’s me quoting me!

Melvin Mora – He said, “It’s day by day” and he said he won’t return by this weekend. That sounds just like that other Orioles 3rd baseman of the 80s and 90s.

Jesse Litsch – Shutout with 3 Ks. The lack of Ks in that line is the problem with Litsch, but he used to be a bat boy. That shizz is heartwarming!

Dan Wheeler – Picked up the one out save. Zoinks! Percival’s back, what gives? Not entirely sure what Joe Maddon was thinking, but I believe it was because the Yankees rallied in the ninth so fast that Maddon didn’t want to rush his old, oft-injured closer into the game at the last second, so he opted for the better qualified one. Sorry I don’t know more, I was watching the RNC and our possible VPILF.

Jim Johnson – About to have an MRI because his shoulder hurts? No, because Trembley’s an awful manager. Jamie Walker, Fernando Cabrera, Dennis Sarfate and as a dark horse candidate, Radhames Liz. And before the NAACP contacts me, I wasn’t being punny when I wrote dark horse.

Scott McClain – Hit his first HR of his career after 29 HRs in Triple-A. Some day Woody Harrelson will gain 120 lbs. and play him in the movie adaption of his life.

Pablo Sandoval – 2nd HR of the year. Benicio Del Toro will borrow the fat suit Adrian Grenier used in Medellin to play Sandoval.

Dave Bush – 5 IP, 6 ER. You saw Bush just sitting there and you couldn’t keep your hands off. Now you feel used and it burns when you pee. Serves you right.

Lance Cormier/Dennis Sarfate – Outdueled Dice-K but still lost. This is the number one reason why people don’t bet on baseball and why most of the time you’re better off to just go with your top guys. Baseball’s an unpredictable game day-to-day but fairly predictable over 162 games. And I officially sound like some crappy baseball announcer — see Don Sutton.

Dustin Nippert – 7 IP, 0 ER and only seven hits with no walks. Holy heffin’– Oh, it was the Mariners.

Jorge Campillo – 5 IP, 7 Ks. I kinda felt a decent start was coming because the Marlins do enjoy swinging and missing.

Joe Nelson – Got the save yesterday. Guess he’s the number two man behind the recently overworked Matt Lindstrom.

Dustin Pedroia – 17th HR yesterday. David Ortiz, 17 HRs.

Mark Reynolds – 4 Ks as he heads towards 200 Ks. You haven’t heard much about me fingercuffing Reynolds because I dropped him about two months ago in my Razzball league. I just couldn’t stand all of the home runs he was giving me. I still have him in a NL-Only league. In other news, yawn.

Yunel Escobar – Has a sore shoulder, supposedly he’s battled this all year. Yeah, and my excuse is I have a monkey writing these posts.

Troy Percival – Kazaam! More importantly, I wouldn’t pop your Wheelers just yet.

Alex Rodriguez – Hit a meaningless HR yesterday. Wait, Joe Maddon’s throwing his challenge flag! Cut to 2 minutes, 15 seconds later. Yes, it is a meaningless home run!

Dallas McPherson – After hitting 42 home runs in Triple-A, he made his first start yesterday. He walked twice and K’d. McPherson grew up masturbating to Adam Dunn. That’s sincerely a compliment.

Rich Harden – Arm discomfort. He reports it’s “nothing serious.” Yeah, and taco diarrhea doesn’t burn.

Wade LeBlanc – Top Padres pitching prospect made his major league debut and pitched like a Nats prospect, 4 IP, 5 ER. LeBlanc has a HR problem and there’s no way he’ll ever shake the Joey typecasting.

Blake DeWitt – HR yesterday. He’s been starting at 2nd base. If he can get that eligibility, his value goes from one dollar to one Euro.

Chris Dickerson – HR yesterday. Could he get to 10/10 in a month and a half? I wanna have shirts made up that say, “I (heart) Dick…” and on the back, “…erson.” What?

Jesus Flores – In a bizarre decision, Chase Utley tried to steal home while Ryan Howard was up to bat (maybe it’s not that bizarre considering how Howard has been lately, and by lately I mean all season). Chase ended up giving Jesus Flores a flying elbow and sending him to the doctor like Snuka after he was met by that coconut to the skull. I was impressed Flores held onto the ball, but would be shocked if he returned this season. I believe the Nats are left with Wil Nieves at catcher. In a league that only uses Nats players, I would think Nieves is still available. He should remain that way.

Aaron Harang – Just when you think he’s turned the corner, he puts it into reverse and runs over your foot.

Jon Niese – 3 IP, 5 ER and it could’ve been much worse. His curve looked legit, but he had the control of an incontinent person after eating a mango.

Zach Greinke – 7 IP, 2 ER. Maybe I got off the rails a little too early on this crazy train.

Carlos Zambrano – After the game, he complained of arm soreness. Tomorrow he’ll see Dr. Gryzlo, who once dated Wendy Wallace, who went to school with Tom Pewter, who used to go to the same car wash as Dr. James Andrews. Trouble! I’m hesitant about using Big Z in the near future as it becomes obvioius I was Jokey Smurf’d in one league where I traded for him. The Cubs are going with Sean Marshall and he could have some value if he stays in the mix for starts. This might be a blessing in disguise for the Cubs. They would’ve had to roll Big Z out there in the playoffs out of loyalty, whether he was good or not. Now if he’s injured, they can go with whoever is pitching well.

Clayton Kershaw – He looked fantas– Oh, Padres. Right.

Yusmeiro Petit – Didn’t look good yesterday, though a ten day lay off can do that. This might be the opening that Jobacum needs for an explosion on the scene.

Felipe Lopez – 2-for-3 with a HR. Honestly, Buddy Biancalana could still productive if he were being managed by LaRussa. It must be something in the water. Though I don’t think it’s water.

Matt Garza – I told you he would be bad against the Yanks. Now start him next time out against the Jays.

Dustin Pedroia – 16th home run yesterday. Big Papi sits at 17. (For what it’s worth, Papi hit a double into the right field corner yesterday that he used to send 20 rows back into the seats.)

Jeremy Guthrie – Will have his turn skipped this Wednesday. As I’ve been saying for a few weeks now, he’s a very risky play going forward.

Troy Percival – Was activated from the DL. It’s only a matter of time.

Andre Ethier – A double away from the cycle yesterday. Guarantee the people over at Elias Sports Bureau were scrambling to see if someone came within a double of a cycle back in 1920. “Bootstrap” Carlyle went 3-for-4, did he almost get a double? I must know!

Joba Chamberlain – Supposedly he’ll be out of the bullpen in 2009 as the Yanks remain cautious with The Joba Rules. They should institute Pavano Rules. Hit Pavano over the head with a blunt object, bury him in the Pine Barrens and let Joba start.

Adam Jones – HR yesterday in his first game back and celebrated with a Phillie Blunt and a cup of Golden Seal Tea.

Justin Verlander – 1.2 IP, 5 ER. I was about to smack my pug, Arfer Woofruff, with a newspaper, but that was actually Verlander who defecated in my living room.

Randy Johnson – 8 Ks in less than four innings, but was hit for 5 runs. Blame the four HRs. I’m holding him for his next game against the Dodgers. Might bail after that. Recognize!

Johan Santana – If he pitched into the extra innings, the Mets would find a way to win the inning after he came out.

Shin-Soo Choo – 3-for-4 yesterday and in the last week he’s hit 3 HRs and a .450. Might stay hot for another week or two, which could make all the difference in H2H playoffs.

Jason Schmidt – Shut down for rest of season. Some of you might be wondering if this is news from April and I just forgot to post it. You wouldn’t be entirely wrong.

Ryan Zimmerman – HR yesterday. I give Zimmerman a lot of crap, but it’s only fair to point out his successes too. So if he had any success, I would point it out.

Ben Sheets – Left his start after the top of the fifth with a tight groin. After the game Sheets said. “I think it’s gonna be fine. I really think I’ll be OK. I’ll just pay a little more attention to it, hopefully move forward.” Is it me or does he sound like Rainman right before he starts banging his head with his hand?

Joba Chamberlain – Set to return to the bullpen on Tuesday. He’s not going to start until the end of September. I think if the Yankees are out of it, Joba won’t start at all, which is to say he’s not starting again this year.

Cliff Lee – Goes to 20-2 and the magical season for Cliff Lee and Comatose Indians Fan continues. Next stop for Cliff Lee is Cy Young. Next stop for Comatose Indians Fan is a haircut.

Chris Young – 5 IP, 4 ER. This may as well be spring training for him, but worth rostering for his home games.

Dallas McPherson – Wasn’t mentioned in the September call ups post, but would’ve been if I mentioned him. How’s dat logic?  He’s worth a pickup in NL-Only keeper leagues just in case he gets some playing time.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Going for an MRI with elbow soreness. Fun fact of the day, I can’t go for an MRI because I have a metal plate in my head. Yes, I hold notes to my head with magnets.

Paul Byrd – 7 IP, 4 ER and a win. That’s so Byrd. (BTW, wouldn’t it be great if Marlon was traded to the Sox so their jerseys could say, Pa. Byrd and Ma. Byrd?)