Fantasy Baseball Advice

Tommy John Surgery, “Hey, has anyone seen Billy Wagner’s arm?” All Pitcher Arms ignore Tommy John Surgery as they continue to read Men’s Fitness Magazine. Tommy John Surgery, “Well, it’s important he gets this message. His arm’s not going to get better without me.” Other Pitcher Arms whistle. Tommy John Surgery, “I will not be ignored!” Then Tommy John Surgery boiled Billy Wagner’s Arm’s Rabbit and followed his kid to a local carnival. Now it looks like Billy Wagner’s career is in danger. Ayala should continue to get the bulk of the saves, but always keep this in mind, Ayala is just not that good. Even in keeper leagues, drop Wagner. He’s no good to you anymore, Tommy John Surgery came calling. Next year, the Mets will probably look to make Francisco Rodriguez the highest paid closer in baseball. Hey, I wonder if Tommy John Surgery and K-Rod were working together? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

B.J. Upton - Out until the weekend with a strained quad. A B.J. quad strain is blue balls, no?

Emmanuel Burriss - For those who just lost Upton. Burriss got a steal yesterday. He might get 3+ steals this week. In all of my H2H leagues, I’m currently starting him. He goes from the Diamondbacks to the Padres later in the week. I could steal against the Padres; I’m not fast. (UPDATE: He was injured yesterday and is no longer a replacement option for Upton.)

Jack Wilson - Might be out for the season with a hairline fracture in his right index finger. Before you throw in the towel because you’ve lost Jack Wilson, take comfort in knowing you don’t own him on any team.

Tim Lincecum - 8.1 IP, 1 ER, 9 K and 126 pitches. I hope his innings/pitches this year don’t catch up to him next year. I do, because I think Lincecum could be special. With that said, why can’t these schmohawks limit him to 100 pitches when he’s up six runs? How much evidence do you need that high pitch counts lead to injuries? If you were making a run for the pennant, would you let him throw 180 pitches? Inconceivable!

Gary Sheffield - 2 HRs. Afterward Sheff said, “Sheff tried to hit the white off the baseball.”

Jon Lester - 7.2 IP, 9 Ks, 0 ER. Looks like Lester didn’t ask Make-A-Wish for just a no-hitter, but a whole season of productivity.

Jeremy Guthrie - Not pitching tomorrow because he has the “flu.” That’s short for he has a crapload of innings on his arm. If you’re still waiting around for him in leagues, I wouldn’t anymore.

Kevin Gregg - Will return on Tuesday and Fredi Gonzalez said he’ll continue to use Matt Lindstrom as the closer. Why? Because Gonzalez is in a H2H matchup and he owns Lindstrom, obviously.

Dave Bush - 8 IP, 2 ER. It’s only fitting that Bush comes right before Wood.

Brandon Wood - 2 HRs. I told you to pickup Brandon Wood on Friday, since then he has three HRs.

Yusmeiro Petit - 2 2/3 innings and 5 ER. And we might see Jobacum again after all. (Yes, Jobacum just came after Bush and Wood. And that’s how you make a triple-decker double entendre sandwich.)

Matt Antonelli - 1-for-21 since being called up. Don’t worry, Padres. You still have the future promise of Khalil Greene.

Albert Pujols - Said he’s considering Tommy John surgery in the offseason. Wasn’t Wagner enough for you, you monster?!

You are now about to witness the strength of fantasy baseball knowledge.

Verse One: Ice McLouth

Crazy motherf**ker named Nate McLouth…
From a gang called Piratez With Attitudes…
Sandoval hit blooper, cuz he was sawed off…
With an eye injury, Nate got hauled off…
Just when he started 100 Miles and Runnin’…
To steal 40 bases by Thursday, he was gunnin’…
Agent said, “Ya know, it looks better if you get to 20/20? Anyway, how’s the kids?”
“I don’t have any–”
“All right, now do the bidz.”
Depends on the newz out of Pittsburgh…
But the newz now all about Roethlisberg…er, Pirates who?
I’d be ready to cut lose McLouths…
Especially in H2H playoffs.
There’s just no time to be waiting around, son…
Look at Dukes, Werth, Shin-Soo Choo and Chris Dickerson.
All right, now you make the call…
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! Before we get into today’s roundup, just wanted to announce our Fantasy Football Forums. We won’t be covering fantasy football on the blog, but if anyone wants to discuss football, there’s a spot you can do it. Anyway:

Billy Wagner - Had a setback and now he seems done for the season. I would drop him if you need the room. Ayala hasn’t done much wrong to lose the job, besides being Ayala. But if Ayala can continue to be Ayala, then there’s no reason why Ayala can’t continue to get the saves — Ayala-style!

Chris Young - Took a perfect game into the 8th inning. It’s not surprising. I mean, I guess it is somewhat because he wasn’t in Petco. I wouldn’t hesitate to use him down the stretch. He’s way below most pitchers innings count for this time of the season.

Cliff Lee - Comatose Indians Fan just bought four tickets for right behind home for the first round of the playoffs. “Craigslist, Where No One Gets Ripped Off.”

Andrew McCutchen - Could see time if McLouth is out for a while. According to Elias Sports Bureau, this would be the first time in the history of baseball where one Mick would replace another Mick and neither player’s first name is Seamus.

David Purcey - 8 IP, 7 Ks, 0 ER and ruined what should have been a win for Garza. Purcey’s been wildly uneven, but there is a slight pattern of an every other start where he’s been usable, so make like Chicago and “Look Away” in his next start, then show Purcey’s he’s a “Hard Habit to Break” in the start after that.

Matt Garza - See a third of a centimeter above.

Brandon McCarthy - 5.1 IP, 6 ER, I warned all of youse to avoid him.

David Ortiz - Hit his 18th HR yesterday and first homer in 71 at-bats. Not bad for a guy that claims to be a Latin 32.

Adam Wainwright - After I picked him for September Cy Young (an award they are absolutely considering), 8 IP, 1 ER.

Chris Perez - Good to see him get another save because after his last two blown saves, I was starting the worry. Scotch + LaRussa = You Never Know.

Francisco Rodriguez - Recorded 55th save yesterday. I placed him 6th on the list of major league closers for September because I think he gets the 58th save and then the Angels let Arrendondo get a few as they rest K-Rod for the playoffs. Also, that makes Arrendondo more attractive for those chasing saves.

Kerry Wood - Back-to-back poor outings, there’s reason to be concerned. Cust kayin’.

Paul Konerko - 3 HRs in last three games. Has batted over .320 since the All-Star break and over .420 in the last seven games.

Taylor Teagarden - 2 home runs in the last three starts. For those in 2 catcher leagues, you might do well with an herbal Teagarden infusion. The issue is his starts are a bit scatter shot, so you have to watch to see when he’s playing and then put him in your lineup.

Jamie Moyer - 7 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER. He’s one of those players that I can’t recommend ever. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America and all pharmacists.

Wandy Rodriguez - Left after one inning after re-aggravating his oblique. Vague, for sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the next time we see Wandy is in April of ‘09.

Jeff Clement - I don’t think this affects that many of you, but he’s done for the year. He might be in the Mariners plans for ‘09 or knowing the Mariners they might look to acquire someone like Pudge.

Ty Wigginton - Here’s one that affects just about everyone who has read Razzball in the last month. He has a groin strain, which is not quite Jockular Sphincteritis, but hurts just the same. Will sideline him for 7-10 days. Comes at a tough time for Wigginton and his owners.

Jose Lopez/Ryan Feierabend - Yesterday, 2 HRs and 7 IP, 2 ER, respectively. Sorry to make this like ESPN where every team’s news somehow relates to the Yankees, but… Well, that’s that. When the shizz is on the line and you’re losing games to the Mariners like they’re a powerhouse, you need to do like Angela Bassett in her courageous performance of Tina Turner in “What’s Love Got To Do With It” and find your strength from deep within and get away from Ike. Or something.

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for $10 schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes, Jesse Crain)
2. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
3. Brad Lidge, PHI (Ryan Madson, Chad Durbin)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Joba Chamberlain, Jose Veras)
5. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez)
6. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Jose Arredondo, Scot Shields, Justin Speier)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

7. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Octavio Dotel, Matt Thornton, Scott Linebrink)
8. Francisco Cordero, CIN (David Weathers)
9. Jonathan Broxton, LAD (Hong-Chih Kuo, Joe Beimel)
10. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
11. Salomon Torres, MIL (Eric Gagne, Guillermo Mota)
12. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
13. Brian Fuentes, COL (Manny Corpas, Taylor Buchholz)
14. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
15. Frank Francisco, TEX (Joaquin Benoit)
16. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Jon Rauch, Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
17. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell)
18. Chris Perez, STL (Ryan Franklin, Chris Carpenter)

BRAIN FREEZE

I’m going to a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and broke Pena’s thumb with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Kerry Wood, CHI (Carlos Marmol, Bob Howry, Jeff Samardzija)
20. Matt Capps/John Grabow, PIT (Denny Bautista)
21. Brad Ziegler, OAK (Huston Street, Joey Devine)
22. Jensen Lewis, CLE (Rafael Betancourt, Rafael Perez)
23. Fernando Rodney, DET (Kyle Farnsworth)
24. J.J. Putz, SEA (Sean Green)
25. Mike Gonzalez, ATL (Blaine Boyer, Will Ohman)
26. Joel Hanrahan, WAS (Saul Rivera)
27. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell)
28. Luis Ayala, NYM (Billy Wagner, Aaron Heilman, Al Reyes, Duaner Sanchez)
29. Matt Lindstrom/Joe Nelson, FLA (Kevin Gregg)
30. Jamie Walker, Dennis Sarfate, Jim Palmer, Senator Clay Davis, BAL (George Sherrill)

Ervin Santana went 7 and one-third innings yesterday, gave up one earned run and struckout eight. For the season, he has an impressive 169/51 K/BB ratio– Oh, wait, that’s Johan Santana. Ervin Santana has actually been better at 191/44. (BTW, no wonder Earvin Johnson went by Magic. You can’t write or say Ervin or Earvin by itself. You have to add in the last name just to make it sound normal.) This season Ervin (weird, right?) has cut his HRs allowed and his numbers aren’t pointing to a regression for next year. Know what’s been the big change? Those funky Wandy home/away splits are gone. Ervin Santana’s only 25 and he’ll be on my short list for next year. Johan, Carlos and Tito move over; there’s a new Santana in town. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Kinsler - Kinsler’s done for the season. Back date this to last month when I told you he was done.

Carlos Zambrano - Big Z got inflammation of the thingie he uses to throw a baseball. Not good, ya’ll. Maybe the 247,000 pitches the last couple of years weren’t the best idea. Just a guess.

Joey Votto - I chose to put Votto in my fantasy baseball keeper post yesterday and he rewarded us with a home run. You’re welcome.

Torii Hunter - HR yesterday. His season can be found next to yawnstipating in the Razzball glossary.

Ramon Ramirez - When Fogg left with a groin injury, he came on to pitch a perfect three innings. I like to think Dusty told him to do the exact opposite of what Fogg did and Ramirez is just a very good listener. Ramirez should get some starts down the stretch and could excel simply because hitters won’t be familiar with him, while possibly facing some B lineups.

Billy Wagner - Supposed to return next Tuesday. I see a blown save in the Mets’ future for next Wednesday.

Kevin Gregg - Said he should be ready to go next week at this time. I see blown saves (<–that’s plural, Razzballers!) in the Marlins’ future.

Travis Snider - 3-for-3 and HR yesterday. In yesterday’s comments, I said, “Shorthand, (Snider’s) a lot like Chris Davis and Jay Bruce. He strikes out a lot and he has power. He could also catch pitchers under prepared to get him out and he could have a solid three weeks. In other words, worth a flier, but he might go 0-for-next week. He’s very underdeveloped.” And that’s me quoting me!

Melvin Mora - He said, “It’s day by day” and he said he won’t return by this weekend. That sounds just like that other Orioles 3rd baseman of the 80s and 90s.

Jesse Litsch - Shutout with 3 Ks. The lack of Ks in that line is the problem with Litsch, but he used to be a bat boy. That shizz is heartwarming!

Dan Wheeler - Picked up the one out save. Zoinks! Percival’s back, what gives? Not entirely sure what Joe Maddon was thinking, but I believe it was because the Yankees rallied in the ninth so fast that Maddon didn’t want to rush his old, oft-injured closer into the game at the last second, so he opted for the better qualified one. Sorry I don’t know more, I was watching the RNC and our possible VPILF.

Yesterday, Carlos Zambrano was scheduled for an MRI but failed to show. Possible reasons why: A) He showed up five minutes late and his appointment was given away to Steve Bartman. B) The doctor looked like Michael Barrett. Z was escorted out. C) He decided to check out The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 instead. Z’s priorities are out of order. If you’re in your H2H playoffs , you need to cut bait and see who else is out there. In some leagues, I’m looking at Randy Wolf (I know, you just threw up a little in your mouth), but his confidence should be sky high after his complete game and he faces the Pirates next. Some other names I like that I’ve seen on various waiver wires include Slowey, Garza, Kuroda, Blackburn, anyone facing the Mariners, Nats or Padres. (BTW, if you’re in H2H playoffs, I think you’ll be able to appreciate one man’s H2H playoff breakdown.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jim Johnson - About to have an MRI because his shoulder hurts? No, because Trembley’s an awful manager. Jamie Walker, Fernando Cabrera, Dennis Sarfate and as a dark horse candidate, Radhames Liz. And before the NAACP contacts me, I wasn’t being punny when I wrote dark horse.

Scott McClain - Hit his first HR of his career after 29 HRs in Triple-A. Some day Woody Harrelson will gain 120 lbs. and play him in the movie adaption of his life.

Pablo Sandoval - 2nd HR of the year. Benicio Del Toro will borrow the fat suit Adrian Grenier used in Medellin to play Sandoval.

Dave Bush - 5 IP, 6 ER. You saw Bush just sitting there and you couldn’t keep your hands off. Now you feel used and it burns when you pee. Serves you right.

Lance Cormier/Dennis Sarfate - Outdueled Dice-K but still lost. This is the number one reason why people don’t bet on baseball and why most of the time you’re better off to just go with your top guys. Baseball’s an unpredictable game day-to-day but fairly predictable over 162 games. And I officially sound like some crappy baseball announcer — see Don Sutton.

Dustin Nippert - 7 IP, 0 ER and only seven hits with no walks. Holy heffin’– Oh, it was the Mariners.

Jorge Campillo - 5 IP, 7 Ks. I kinda felt a decent start was coming because the Marlins do enjoy swinging and missing.

Joe Nelson - Got the save yesterday. Guess he’s the number two man behind the recently overworked Matt Lindstrom.

Dustin Pedroia - 17th HR yesterday. David Ortiz, 17 HRs.

Mark Reynolds - 4 Ks as he heads towards 200 Ks. You haven’t heard much about me fingercuffing Reynolds because I dropped him about two months ago in my Razzball league. I just couldn’t stand all of the home runs he was giving me. I still have him in a NL-Only league. In other news, yawn.

Yunel Escobar - Has a sore shoulder, supposedly he’s battled this all year. Yeah, and my excuse is I have a monkey writing these posts.

Troy Percival - Kazaam! More importantly, I wouldn’t pop your Wheelers just yet.

Alex Rodriguez - Hit a meaningless HR yesterday. Wait, Joe Maddon’s throwing his challenge flag! Cut to 2 minutes, 15 seconds later. Yes, it is a meaningless home run!

Dallas McPherson - After hitting 42 home runs in Triple-A, he made his first start yesterday. He walked twice and K’d. McPherson grew up masturbating to Adam Dunn. That’s sincerely a compliment.

Rich Harden - Arm discomfort. He reports it’s “nothing serious.” Yeah, and taco diarrhea doesn’t burn.

Wade LeBlanc - Top Padres pitching prospect made his major league debut and pitched like a Nats prospect, 4 IP, 5 ER. LeBlanc has a HR problem and there’s no way he’ll ever shake the Joey typecasting.

Blake DeWitt - HR yesterday. He’s been starting at 2nd base. If he can get that eligibility, his value goes from one dollar to one Euro.

Chris Dickerson - HR yesterday. Could he get to 10/10 in a month and a half? I wanna have shirts made up that say, “I (heart) Dick…” and on the back, “…erson.” What?