If you have ever seen or heard of the NFL or smelled a jock strap at any point, then you might want to check out what is going down over on my side of the tracks. We’ve got all kinds of hootenannies and shin-digs about to be gettin up and gettin down, so don’t just hole up over here! Venture out into the world and stop by and and take a load off on the Razzball Football porch, there’ll be lightning bugs and we’ll be drinking rot gut out of a mason jar.

Now that the self promotion is over, read my invaluable thoughts on what happened in Major League Baseball yesterday:

Freddie Freeman: Freddie freed the ball from it’s oppressor, the stadium, twice to celebrate Independence Day. Grey’s pick for NL Rookie of the Year is on pace to be in the running. Those were his 10th and 11th homers so he’s on pace for 78 home runs, oh, let me go over those numbers again, make that, hmmm, so if they play 164 games he’d be on pace for 22 home runs, and if you lop off those 2 games in which he would probably have hit like 8 homers, that would put him on pace for 14.

Mark Reynolds: Mini Donkey hit 2 homers yesterday and just missed a third and is as hot as a donkey can be sans the Tijuanian hooker. Five donks in the last 3 games is ok if you are into that kind of thing.

Rajai Davis: Could the call up of Travis Snider have set a fire under Davis? Well, two games in and you’d have to say yes. And with that kind of sample size there’s no way you can go wrong! I had high hopes for him before the season started and my hopes continued to get lower and lower until they got lower than a slug’s belly, so he can’t really go anywhere but up and going 5 for 9 with 4 stolen bases in the last 2 games is up.

Troy Tulowitzki: He strained his quad and looks like he will be out a couple days. The last time I was at the quad it was to do a little hacky-sacking. Right now they are looking at a couple days rest, but you never know! Be afraid!! Or not, it’s just a game.

Travis Snider: He was called up and quickly hit 3 doubles. Three triples would have been more poetic, but hey, you take what you can get.  But be careful, this dude has a TCAP Stache.

Alex Presley: With Jose Tabata out, Alex has yet to leave the building and the with the way he is playing he may not. He is 12 for 33 since being called up with 6 RBIs and 2 stolen bases. Tabata should be back in a week-ish so don’t get too googly-eyed, but you two could have a magical week together! Send me a postcard.

Pablo Sandoval: The panda dog seems to have gotten his power back. He went 3 for 5 with a panda donk yesterday and has hit in 15 straight games and an extra-base hit in 9 games in a row. And if you find a picture of a panda dog wearing sandals give me a holler.

Emilio Bonafacio: Emily Facebone (rough translation) is sagnoffin like crazy. He has 6 stolen bases in the last 6 games and he happens to be hitting a little as well, which probably helps him get on base and thus steal bases. He is 10 for his last 28.

Adrian Beltre: Yesterday he went 2 for 5 with a home run and he’s gone  9 for his last 16 with 5 runs and 7 RBIs.  If you add all that up it spells, well, nothing because numbers don’t usually add up to words.

Brian Duensing: In his first 4 starts he gave up an America, Eff Yeah-sized 21 runs in 20.2 innings. A run an inning does not look too good on the resume. Since then he has given up 10 runs in his last 7 starts for a much more career builder friendly 2.45 ERA, and a 4-2 record. The competition has been somewhat iffy, so he’s still in spot starterville, but I’m keeping my eye on him.

Ricky Nolasco: He has RickNolled anyone who even thought about owning him, but he has looked better of late. It’s a good sign that he held the Phillies to one run yesterday, but of course the Marlins don’t really care to score runs that often.

Danny Valencia: O Valencia! He’s setting the city on fire! He’s 11 for his last 25 with 2 homers and 9 RBIs in the last 6 games. Will he keep this up? Hmm, maybe, maybe not. What am I, some kind of psychic! But I picked him up in a league where David Wright is taking his own sweet time coming back. Third base is a gaping hole of doom.

Adam Dunn: Big Ass decided to go all Big Donkey for the night and hit a home run and got his second hit off a lefty all season (that raised his average against lefties to .036). This of course coincides with me dropping him. I’m skeptically pessimistic.

Mike Napoli: He’s off the DL and got a hit in his first at bat back. That’s good news.

Since this is a fantasy baseball blog, first and foremost, I’ll go over the value changes for the Manny trade. Manny might get a slight hit on his value because he’ll no longer have The Green Mawnster to knock balls off of, but Manny’s a hitting savant and I expect him to make the proper adjustments. Also, this trade could be the kind of motivation Manny hasn’t had in almost four years. This does hurt a few other peripheral pieces in SoCal. Let’s do a basic math problem. If the Dodgers play 6 games a week and they have three outfielders, that means they have 18 possible outfield games. Now those 18 games need to be split between 5 outfielders (Ethier, Jones, Kemp, Pierre and Ramirez). So Manny and Kemp get 5 each, which means 10 outfield games. Now you have 8 outfield games to split up. I say Pierre and Jones get between 3 and 4, which relegates Ethier to 1 to 2 games per week. Drop Ethier. His (minimal) value has been zapped.

For Bay, let’s recollect what we saw last year while he battled through the worst slump of his career. Ground ball to short, ground ball to 2nd, ground ball to short and Bay falls into a mental slump where he’s fooled so bad he swings at some pitches while the ball is still in the pitcher’s hand. Bay will have a better lineup around him, he’ll have the The Green Monster to hit doubles off of and he’ll have the 2nd biggest media town breathing down his neck compared to Pittsburgh, which sports a town that forgot they had the Pirates for parts of ’07 into ’08. I hope Bay fails, but I’d say there’s only a 50/50 slot of it legitimately happening.

Now the two schmohawks that emerge from this trade with their value slightly knocked up (Hey, “slightly knocked up” sounds like that girl I went to high school with whose name I can’t remember) are Brandon Moss and Andy LaRoche. First, Laroche gets reunited with a guy who has the same parents. (BTW, Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time two brothers with a capped letter in the middle of their last name will play together. Actually, Elias Sports Bureau didn’t say that, but it sounds like some nonsense they would say. Some things they have said recently around Elias Sports Bureau’s headquarters, “There’s no M & M’s in the snack machine for the first time since 1999,” “Leandro mowed our lawn on Tuesday for the first time since March,” and “Jimmy, in Accounting, has the worst halitosis of any Elias Sports Bureau employee ever.” But I digress.) So LaRoche only has to beat out Jose Bautista for playing time. Well, color me not worried. LaRoche hasn’t shown many signs in the majors, but he’s a top-level prospect that you should pick up in deep leagues.

Brandon Moss, the new Pirates outfielder, strikes me as the guy in a trade that no one cares about then ends up having lots of value. Or this could be complete hyperbole. Moss flashed some speed and power in the minors and never at the expense of his average. Now he’s not going to be an in-his-prime Bobby Abreu, but he profiles similarly to Andre Ethier. I know, yawn. But unlike Ethier, Moss may get his at-bats and in NL-only play that can help. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! Before we get into today’s roundup, I just wanted to post Manny being Manny, make sure to watch until the 1:30 mark when Manny reenacts the play. If you don’t get a kick out of it, you’re dead on the inside.

The Rays – I knew they were stingy with their prospects, but I thought they would at least upgrade their bullpen. Nope.

Fausto Carmona – Bounced back from that razztastic start last time out against the Twins to throw 6 and 1/3 innings and to only give up 2 earned. Liked him a lot coming back from the DL and I think he can give you some quality starts moving forward.

Juan Rivera – HR yesterday. I’m pretty sure I’ve already said I’m never talking about him again. So this is your last heads up.

Jim Edmonds – 2 HRs. I almost yawned between writing the 2 and the HRs.

Rich Harden – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks. He’s given up three runs as a Cub and has K’d 39 in four starts. Well, la-di-da. This was still only his first win for the Cubs. So there.

Dave Bush – 7.1 IP, 6 ER. That whole ‘only starting Bush at home’ thing has worked out remarkably well. Almost as well as the whole ‘starting Craig Counsell over Russell Branyan’ thing, but not nearly as well as batting Braun fifth. Not sure why Yost wants to get fired, but he’s obviously managing like he does.

Frank Thomas – Was activated from the DL. If you need home runs, I’d take a flier, but don’t drop anyone too valuable because The Big Hurt is aptly named.

Jim Thome – HR yesterday. As I said yesterday when Griffey was traded, Thome’s going to get his at-bats.

Shane Victorino – I was talking to Rudy about how some people bench Victorino or use him as a throw-in in trades and Rudy said an interesting thing to me, “Is Victorino really that different than Carl Crawford?” Things to make you say, “Hmm…”

Chone Figgins – Went 4-for-5 yesterday and almost .400 in the last seven games. As I told someone yesterday, Figgins can get hot and steal a ton of bases in a month or two. Steals is one category you can make up ground real fast. Saves is another.

Ryan Zimmerman – Left yesterday’s game with a hand injury. This could be a great thing for his owners, you might no longer have to delude yourself into thinking he’s valuable.

Khalil Greene – Reports claim Greene decided to place himself on the Disgraceful List when he punched a storage chest and fractured his hand. However, witnesses say the storage chest was starting Greene at SS all season and by all accounts the storage chest actually threw itself at Greene’s hand. Either way, Greene should be dropped in all leagues, even ten team leagues that only use Padres players. (BTW, in a ten team league that only uses Padres players, I think you have to draft Adrian Gonzalez first. Peavy’s great, but you can get pitching late.)

Todd Jones – Speaking of the Disgraceful List, Todd Jones hits the DL. Reason given by the Tigers for this move, “Well… Dur.”

This trade does have some indirect fantasy baseball repercussions. Swisher and Konerko got the ‘ol “How’s Your Father?” this morning. The ‘ol “Put Up Or Shut Up.” The ‘ol “What Have You Done For Me Lately?” Frankly, those two bums should be made to platoon carrying the piss bucket. Neither is worth the energy it’s taking me to type this– Also, I don’t think Guillen will sit Thome and slot Griffey into DH. Thome’s hitting. Why penalize the guy that’s doing his job? He’s currently better than Griffey. All this could be moot the moment Guillen decides it’s a good idea to slot Griffey into centerfield and Griffey thinks he’s 24 again and pulls a hammy.

Over in the opening in the Reds outfield, there’s now a spot for Norris Hopper or Corey Patterson. If that excites you, I have a videotaped Connect Four match between two Civil War reenactors. If Corey gets hot, he could be good for a boatload of steals, but so far this year, he looks like a shell of a shell of his former self. Meanwhile, Hopper looked decent last year with some speed and average. But this year, to paraphrase Thing 1 and Thing 2 from Flavor of Love 3, Hopper has been exposed.

Manny Ramirez – Traded to Marlins? Perhaps. Manny in Florida makes the NL East more fun. (And if you’re an AL fan, trust me, the NL East is already fun. Hanley, Wright, Howard, Utley, Reyes, Brian Schneider, the list goes on) The Sox supposedly want Bay. They nixed Kemp. This confuses me. Is Kemp too raw? Not enough power yet? The Sox have become the Yankees and they can’t wait longer than one winter for a player to fully mature? Can’t be, Manny still hasn’t matured. Either way, Manny anywhere is Manny being Manny. You can’t mess with his head cause he’s like Robert DeNiro in Awakenings. Manny, you’re wearing a pancake on your head. Yeah, so? As for Bay in Boston, this has the upside of a better lineup, but Bay seems like too much of a thinker and Boston could get in his head. I’m 50/50 on whether this is a boon or bust for Bay if it happens. You make the call!

Tim Hudson – Dr. Grisly Andrews says Hudson’s going on his Xmas card list under the category, “Tommy John recipients.” Drop Hudson, if you haven’t yet. Unless you’re stockpiling for 2010, when we will be taking flying cars to our fantasy baseball drafts. Mark my words!

Dioner Navarro – I figured since I mentioned Pudge and Inge, I may as well throw a Razz-bone to Dioner. It’s been a while since I’ve mentioned him. Regular readers now I loved him back in May when he first returned from the DL. Well, he’s still hitting .300, but, honestly, this is like a Keppinger .300. I think Yunel excited me more– Scratch that, I think Mini-Me’s sex tape excited me more. The only positive is Dioner is a poor man’s Mauer at an eighth of the price. Yawnstipating at best. I would consider an Inge look if you’re okay at average.

Kelly Shoppach – 2 HRs. If you’re keeping score at home. Shoppach 11 HRs, VMart 0. If I had access to the government’s time machine (and they have one!), then I’d go back in time to March 2008 and draft Shoppach as the first catcher off the board in every league just so I can see my leaguemates’ looks. (I’d still draft Rios in the third round. I’m a slacker like my father!)

Alexi Casilla – Done for the year. Just as he was on his way to the coveted 5/5 club. There’s always next year!

Huston Street - 1 ER and the loss. Somehow he’s still an Athletic and uninjured. Sometimes you roll snake eyes and sometimes you roll your eyes.

Bobby Abreu – 2 HRs and batting .400 since the All-Star break. Next year you’ll look at 2008′s stats which will be 20/20/.310 and you’ll have no idea how Abreu did that last year, so you’ll refuse to draft him again. Then next year, he’ll get 20/20/.310 and you’ll have no idea how he did that, so the following year… Do you see where this is going?

Carlos Pena – 1-for-4, HR. As I said in the rankings of top 100 for the 2nd half, Pena coul actually put up decent numbers. He hit 7 HRs in July. The most HRs for any month this season.

Rocco Baldelli – Set to come off the DL this weekend. However, last time he was due to return, he stubbed his toe on his DL history and broke his foot, or some shizz. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America.

Adam Wainwright – Had a setback in his bullpen session and now won’t go on his rehab assignment until August. Guys, bad news, I don’t think we’re seeing Wainwright until September at the earliest and maybe not at all.  The mouth on the lefthand side of the screen says, “Contingency.” The mouth on the righthand side says, “Plans.”

Chad Billingsley – Shutout, 8 Ks. I said a while back that he was my very early 2009 Cy Young prediction. Unfortunately, now he’s gone and made himself look too good and he’s not going to be a bargain at all next year. Oh, well.

Cliff Lee – 5 IP, 6 ER. I’m under contractual obligation to only mention when he pitches poorly. Something I signed at the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston.

Shane Victorino – HR yesterday. Now has one more than Alexis Rios. I’m so keen-o on Shane Victorino…

Dan Uggla – HR yesterday. Member this dude? In May, he was so going to bat .400 and hit 50 HRs. Member that? Yeah, he hit .145 in July and .122 after the All-Star game. cough Told ya so. cough

Brandon Inge – Hit a HR. Pudge is gone and now you got a fatty for Inge.

Ben Francisco – 2 HRs and 4-for-7. Still batting third for the Indians. Yeah, the Indians collapsed this year. Hafner and VMart should be forced to work one of those winter fantasy camps where the Account Manager for your company goes to play ball with Mike Pagliarulo.

Manny Parra – 5.1 IP, 5 ER, Had a 3.05 Home ERA coming into today’s start. Then the Cubs happened.  I like Parra going forward, but you have to expect bumps. If you can’t handle bumps, a rookie pitcher is not the way to go.

Chad Gaudin – 1.54 ERA in almost 14 IP. As most of youse know, I’m a big believer in solid middle relievers balancing your ratios. Gaudin can help.

Wandy Rodriguez – 4.2 IP, 6 ER. It’s like Daniel Cabrera and Oliver Perez had a son and they named him Wandy.

Ray Durham – Ray Ray started second game in the row over Weeks. From the dugout, on his cellphone, Rickie Weeks, “Hey, whatcha doing?” Giambi, “Watching Sexson strikeout.” Weeks, “Tell me about it. If they wanted a lousy 2nd basemen, they had me!” Giambi, “I know! What, I wasn’t striking out enough for them? That can be fixed. The only thing I can’t do is tall. I guess that’s what they wanted!” Weeks, “Durham’s not even tall. I don’t get it.”

Tyler Yates – Grabow pitched the seventh, Bautista the eighth and Yates pitched the ninth for the save. Ding, ding, ding. We’ve got a winner! Yates is the closer. Johnny, tell him Tyler what he’s won! Maybe ten saves? Awesome!

Milton Bradley – Left yesterday’s game with a strained left quad. You can’t spell Bradley without DL.

Hank Blalock – Back to the DL. Well, that didn’t last long. I have no idea how some of these guys find someone to insure them.

Nelson Cruz – In Triple-A, 37/91/94/.348/24, at one point he hit 11 HRs in a 11 straight games. Here’s one man’s love for Cruz, which links to another man’s love for Cruz then another man’s then another… Follow that link and you’ll be *pinkie to mouth* cruisin’. (BTW, Cruz is available in Yahoo. Weird!)

Michael Young – Member how I said yesterday that he fractured a finger but because Young wanted to get 200 hits in every season so bad he would rush back in a week. Well, he was in yesterday’s starting lineup with a fractured finger. There’s no I in team, but there is a me. Reading between the lines, I don’t think a fractured finger can be good for swinging a bat. Yesterday, he went 0-for-4.

Ichiro Suzuki – With a first inning single, Ichiro reached 3,000 hits combined between Japan and the major leagues. He’s only 11 away from 3,000 singles.

Ben Sheets – 6 ER in 5 2/3, I hate to be the one to remind you of this, but he had a 5.68 ERA after the All-Star break last year. Sheets!

John Lackey – 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks, only 2 hits. Pedroia broke up his no-hitter in the ninth. Damn you, Scrappy Doo!  Youuuuuuk took him deep in the ninth to ruin the shutout. Damn you, Scrappy Jew! Who’s on first? Scrappy Jew. On second? Scrappy Doo. The old Puerto Rican Dude? Third base! It writes itself.

Oliver Perez -6 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks. I repeat, will the real Oliver Perez please stand up?

John Maine – Mild rotator cuff strain. Word in Queens is he’ll be fine, maybe only miss one start. I’d prefer he misses two and returns without reinjuring anything, but that’s just me.

Gil Meche – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks. Sometime in June, Meche stepped up his game. That game, of course, being a decent fifth fantasy starter.

Chris Young – Lurch returns. 5 IP, 2 hits, 8 Ks. I don’t feel completely safe with Young, and this start was against the swing happy D-Backs, but you can’t argue with his results. He’ll go a bit further into the next game, pitch count-wise. BTW, Someone should make up a shirt for Young that says, “That Pujols Hit My Nose Hard.” Unless someone really, really clever already has.

Eugenio Velez/Manny Burris – Both on the bench while Aurilla and Vizquel start. Here’s my theory, Bochy likes his chewing tobacco brought from the clubhouse to him as quickly as possible.

J.J. Putz – 1 Blown save, 2 ER, 1 Harbinger (Word of the Day).

Matt Garza – 9 IP, 5 hits, 5 Ks. Eh, I guess you don’t need shutouts from guys you get off waivers.

Jonathan Broxton – Taking the closing job and running with it. Good, I’m actually glad about this even though Broxton seems like a D-Bag. You know why I don’t care? Cause all closers seem like D-Bags, except Mariano. And every closer, except Mariano, goes by his last name. Weird, but true. Think about it, would you join the army if you didn’t like the gravy and rice? Don’t think about it too long, that shizz will blow your mind. Seriously.

Jeff Samardzija – Came into a blow out and gave up a run. Doooode, he’s not a guy you need on your team. Let someone else get caught up in “the story.” BTW, that’s real D-bag shizz when you put quotes around something. “The story?” Who am I, Spencer Pratt? Or am I, Shia LaDouche?

Carlos Delgado – HR yesterday. Guy’s like a hundred and seventeen years old and still rocking out. I swore Delgado was done as of last year. I wish Beltran would drink some of the Delgatorado. (Actually, I don’t, because I don’t have Beltran on any team because I think he’s overrated, but he should be better than he has been. See how I started this about Delgado, but ended it about Beltran. That’s how it’s done, boyz!)

Brett Myers – On one hand, 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits. On the other hand, the sting from a head smack.

Blanco/Escobar/Kotsay/Norton/Infante/Johnson/Francoeur and the incomparable Corky Miller – Your 2008 Atlanta Braves lineup!

Pitchers returning from Tommy John surgery usually return 12-18 months after the surgery to yawnstipating results. Sometimes they return to gut-wrenching results, see Francisco Liriano’s April. And even when pitchers return after 12-18 months, they usually can’t be counted until the following year. But what about Carpenter specifically? He’s already been sidelined for an entire season (2003) and returned to solid results only 12 months later. While that was an arm injury, it was not Tommy John surgery. Not to mention, Carpenter is five years older now. So I see no reason why Carpenter avoids the same fate as most Tommy John recipients. Predictions for Carpenter – A couple of promising starts, a couple of awful starts.  Hope for beautiful music, but don’t be afraid to purge.

Jorge Posada – Done for the year. You can go ahead and back date this to April.

Michael Young – Fractured his finger, but vows to be back in a week. I believe it. This guy is so set on getting 200 hits every year I could see him not wanting to score a winning run in an extra innings game just so he might get another at-bat and a chance at another hit. Let’s hope Young never gets to 3000 hits, because if you thought Wade Boggs’s induction into the Hall of Fame was boring, you’ve seen nothing. At least Wade’s speech had the “Is he going to mention Margo Adams?” factor and the “Is he going to start eating chicken?”

John Maine – Shoulder tightness forced him out of the game. In ten team leagues, he’s the next guy I cut. I’m looking at Ubaldo, Meche, Randy and Wandy. (BTW, Wandy should pronounce his name like it rhymes with Randy. Cuz that would be awesome, possum.)

Salomon Torres – Kazaam!

Casey Kotchman – HR yesterday, now 3 HRs in a week. And that’s one home run for every mention of him I’ve done in the past week. That’s my quota. He’s now off my list and I won’t mention him again.

Ian Snell – 7 IP, 4 ER and got the win. This was his second win since April 12th. Wow, what a razztastic season.

Jeremy Guthrie – 6.1 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks and the win. This performance bought him a two week reprieve on all of my teams. (Maine and Hudson’s injuries didn’t hurt either. I mean, they did hurt, so that aided in Guthrie’s reprieve… Oh, forget it.)

Mike Mussina – 5 IP, 6 ER. Currently reading The Corrections.

Kevin Slowey – Shutout, 6 hitter, 5 Ks. Great start, but I’m not looking at grabbing him in any league. Am I as smart as a 5th grader? You decide.

Alex Gordon – 3-for-4 with a HR. Also the HR was his first against a lefty all year (so of course it came on the bench in the few leagues where I still have him. Sonavabench!). To call Gordon a disappointment up until this point, would be like calling the Astros’ Randy Wolf trade questionable.

Adrian Beltre – 2 HRs. As I mentioned to my Nana and Popsie, Beltre is good in the 2nd half of the year even when he’s not good in the 1st half.

Zach Greinke – 7.1 IP, 2 ER, 11 Ks and the win. I’d point out how I traded Melky to Rudy for Greinke three months ago, but Rudy’s 21.5 points behind me at this point so it would be cruel to point out anything to do with his team. I probably shouldn’t even be mentioning that he’s 21.5 points behind me. I definitely will not be mentioning that I’m also beating him in our Razzball league. By a lot.

Adam Jones – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs, HR. I think Michael J. Fox in “Lucky Man” summed it best when he said, “I became so intoxicated on the nectar of money and the ambrosia of unlimited possibility, that I fell completely under its influence, forgetting for a time that it wasn’t real.” So true, Michael J., but Adam Jones is for real. And has the best ESPN player photo to prove it.

John Grabow – Gave up 2 home runs yesterday. I still think he’s first in line for saves, but he could be traded too (or just not covert any saves or just not get any saves to convert). You might need to look at Tyler Yates and Denny Bautista, as well. Honestly, I grabbed Grabow and that’s as deep as I’m going for Pirates saves. These other schmohawks are not being picked up by me, except in the deepest of leagues where I really need saves.

Brian McCann – Out with a mild concussion from The Flying Hawaiian going all Tonga Kid on McCann and giving him a flying headbutt.

Shane Victorino – HR yesterday. Now has 8 HRs (Alexis Rios has 8 HRs, as well).

Billy Butler – Doesn’t he sound like a character from Clue? It was Billy Butler with the candlestick in the library. Anyway, since the All-Star break, Butler has 4 HRs, 14 RBIs and 2 moobs.

Jack Cust – HR yesterday. Will now hit three HRs this week, walk seven times and strikeout ten times. Hot week ahead!

Eric Chavez – He says he could be done as a third basemen. He could’ve said this in 2006.

Manny Ramirez – Says he’ll accept a trade out of Boston. They should trade him to the Nationals and then see how quickly he accepts. Honestly, I couldn’t believe the amount of people falling for Manny’s shizz back in March when everyone was saying Manny’s going to have a career year because of a contract. In December of 2007, I said Manny’s done trying. He’s been done. It’s fine. I just wish people would stop falling for the same nonsense.  Now I know it’s against a high-ranking baseball commandment to say anything against Gammons, but he was even reporting about Manny’s off-season conditioning. Listen, Manny’s off-season conditioning involves Xbox, Chuck E. Cheese and Mama’s Family DVDs.

Nomar Garciaparra – Left the game with knee irritation. After the game, Nomar said he might have injured his knee the previous night when he forgot the safety word with Mia.

Mike Jacobs/Derrek Lee – 22 HRs/60 RBIs and 17 HRs/63 RBIs, respectively. Granted, Lee (Buffalo) is not the negative on average like Jacobs, but Lee is only batting .296. Cust kayin’.

Scott Hairston – 17th HR yesterday. Later this week his bro, Jerry, returns. The brother battle between the Hairstons and the Uptons is almost as lopsided as The Von Erichs and The Bushwackers.

Ubaldo Jimenez – Besides having one of the best first names in baseball, he also put together a solid July. Last year, he had a solid July then got progressively worse as the year went on. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America.

Johan Santana – 7th career complete game. CC Sabathia almost had 7 complete games in July.

Hank Blalock – 2-for-3 and he’s going back to Texas. If he can stay healthy (Yes, that’s a big if. BTW, how come people don’t say it’s a small if something is very probable? Like, “I guess we’ll get donuts if Dunkin’ Donuts, a store that never closes, is open. Yes, that’s a small if.”), Blalock could be in for a big week.

Jeff Samardzija – Got the save yesterday after Marmol threw 1 2/3 innings on Saturday. I suppose he could get more saves if Wood continues to have blister problems, but I think Marmol will out-save him 4 to 1 and if Wood’s out-saving Marmol… Well, you get my drift.

Clayton Kershaw – Got his first major league win. The only thing is, I would start just about anyone at Dodgers Stadium against the Nats.

Marcus Thames – Got one hit yesterday. Guess what it was? Okay, so you platoon Thames and Joyce just like Leyland is doing. They’ll probably hit 45 HRs combined. What, you don’t want 45 HRs?

Javier Vazquez – Was roughed up again on Sunday. It’s of little consolation to his owners (which I’m not, suckas!), but Vazquez’s K rate is fine and his BABIP is at .335, which means he’s been unlucky — sorta like his owners, which I’m not, suckas!

Kyle Lohse – Drop the H.

Brad Ziegler – Set major league rookie record with 27 scoreless innings to start a career. Interesting factoid, he hasn’t given up a home run since he switched to pitching sidearm, 128 1/3 innings ago. Uninteresting factoid, his Mom’s name is Beth.

Casey Kotchman – 5-for-5. If he doesn’t get some kind of kissing disease again from open-mouthing the rally monkey, this could be the start of a hot streak.

Jeff Mathis – Finally hot again. Only took him two and a half months. Eh, doesn’t matter to you, does it? Not like you need a catcher. You do? Oh, well, golly!

Howie Kendrick – 4-for-5. Okay, some of this Angels hitting can be attribute to a thin Indians pitching staff.

Mike Mussina – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks. 13 Across, Mussina’s season co-hosted by Cathy Lee Crosby, “That’s _________!”

Shane Victorino – HR off Maine. Moves in front of Alexis Rios with his 7th HR.

Carlos Quentin – 2 HRs, up to 26. I know how you feel, it’s all icing at this point. I agree, but say you grabbed (HR-hitting OF who’s on waivers) and traded Quentin for a pitcher. So you have a pitcher and (HR-hitting OF who’s on waivers), who could have the same amount of home runs as Quentin from now until the end of the year.  Things that make you say, “Hmm…”

Chipper Jones – If I’m talking about him, what do you think happened? He’s not hitting .400, he didn’t home run… He was injured? Look at the big brain on Brad. Chipper says he won’t need the DL. Instead, he’ll just clog up your bench. Sweet!

Luis Ayala – Remained the 8th inning setup man and managed to tighten Hanrahan’s hold on the closer job by giving up 3 runs.

Jim Thome – HR yesterday. I feel like Thome’s bringing the potatoes and mashing them, but people are still calling him a turkey. In the last month and a half, he’s batted over .320 with 9 HRs and 18 RBIs. If everyone on your team was doing that, you’d be in first place asking for fanny kisses.

Tim Hudson – Elbow tightness, but word on the streets of Hotlanta is he won’t miss a start.

CC Sabathia – So if he gets 8 straight wins, he’s not going to win the Cy Young because stats don’t carry from one league to another. When was this rule put in place? Before the invention of the phonograph? There’s interleague now, you morons! Why are we counting those stats? This “no carrying of stats” can’t even be defended. There’s no one sitting around in a bow-tie (and really all of these baseball elitists wear bow-ties), saying, “By George, Randy Wolf can still win the Cy Young because he was traded within the same league, but CC can’t. We’ve really figured out a way to make our stats matter!”

Ricky Nolasco – He’s been too good thus far to bail this quickly, but he gets the Mets next. He’s either headed for another Zoinks! or a Rebound! I think we’re looking at a Zoinks! (BTW, Rudy picked up Nolasco for this start in our league. Greinke’d!)

Jarrod Washburn – Trade target for the Yanks. Guess they saw the Randy Wolf move by the Astros and didn’t want to be left out.

James Shields – He’s the mother sauce of a great pitching staff. Mother sauce, I tell ya!

Jason Bartlett – Will be activated on Thursday. He’s been on the shelf all month and he still has 18 steals on the year. It was a knee injury though, so use some caution, you.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Glad I just traded him so he could start to get hot. *sticking hand in blender like Chunk*

Billy Wagner – Got the save. That ends the Smith-Duaner-Heilman-Feliciano Experiment until Wagner’s next flare up. (Two weeks.)

Mike Hampton – Set to join Braves rotation next week. I bet a bunch of you went back to reread that. Mike who? Hampton what?

Adam Dunn – Grand slam yesterday. They should weigh all MLB players in Dunns. Allow me to demonstrate, “Eric Byrnes is a third of a Dunn,” “So Taguchi is 3 Dunn arms,” and “Mike Napoli is 4 Dunn legs and 7 Dunn sausage fingers.”

Shaun Marcum – He returned from his elbow injury and gave up six earned runs in 4 2/3. The good news is, he didn’t give up seven earned runs. I’ve been saying I didn’t want him anymore when he first went on the DL.

Mark Buehrle – 7.1 IP, 1 ER. This schmohawk joins Aaron Cook as a guy that I picked up in May and that I can’t believe I still have him on a bunch of teams.

Brad Hawpe – HR. Hawpe is hawt. *cue Rosco P. Coltrane laughter*

Adam Lind – 4-for-5, HR. In deep leagues, there’s a lot worse fliers you can take than Lind.

Clayton Kershaw – Not a good game, but I’d let him start a game at home before casting him off.

Brad Ziegler – 23 2/3 straight scoreless innings streak. According to Elias Sports Bureau, “Ziegler is the first pitcher with a scoreless streak over 20 IP that has a name similar to Ian Ziering.” (Actually, the Elias Sports Bureau didn’t say that, but it sounds like it. Here’s some more things that sound like the Elias Sports Bureau might have said them. “Last Wednesday was the first time in three years that five Elias Sports Bureau employees wore the color beige,” “Seventeen Elias Sports Bureau employees sneezed today for a new all-time high,” and “There’s no one more full of shit than Stephen Baldwin.”

Ubaldo Jimenez – 1 ER, CG. If you had the Rox to start him.

Josh Willingham – I still like him, but he’s been on my bench for a week now. He needs to pretend he’s a 30/.280 guy or I’m chucking him. You’ve been warned.

Denard Span – Span’s leading off and batting .341 as CarGo hits from the nine hole. (I could see myself being a big fan of Carlos Gomez over this winter as we prepare for 2009, but right now he’s overmatched.)

Kerry Wood – May not go on the DL after all. In other news, water is… not wet?

Freddy Sanchez – If you’re suffering through Ty Wiggington or some other schmohawk at MI, Freddy Sanchez is starting to get hot. Steals? Nah. Home runs? Not many, but he could hit .330 for a month.

Joe Blanton – What, you thought he’d be good in the NL? Wait until you see how well he is when pitching in his new home.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis!

Rick VandenHurk – 5 IP, no hits and he still was pulled, what does that tell you about his control? He gave up 5 walks against 7 Ks. VandenHurk and Volstad sounds like a law firm of vampires.

Eric Byrnes – Transferred from the 15-day DL to the I’m-Not-Coming-Back-This-Year-But-I’m-Going-To-Pretend-I-Will List.

Alexis Rios – Hit his 6th HR. Man, what a busted season. If you don’t have him, you may not understand what a bullet you dodged. He has comparable numbers to Victorino, and The Flying Hawaiian was on the DL earlier in the year and he lost playing time to Werth. Incredible.

Duaner Sanchez – 3 ER without recording an out as Duaner made a strong case to never get the ball in the ninth.  I think Heilman gets the ball tomorrow if the Mets have the lead. Or the Mets put some of that numbing spray shizz on Wagner’s shoulder and send him out there.

Chris Davis – HR. Okay, maybe he doesn’t need to be benched when the Rangers aren’t in Arlington.

Randy Wolf – With this trade, I see no way the Astros don’t overtake the Reds and finish in fourth. Unless the Reds trade for Barry Zito. Then the race will be on!

Erik Bedard – After tossing the ball on Sunday, he landed on the MRI table-thingie. Guess what, ya’ll? Not a good sign. Or maybe the Mariners just want an excuse to shut him down for the year and they rigged a VW Bug to look like an MRI machine and they hired some extras to play the part of doctors. In a grand Shakespearan accent, “I did Uncle Vanya in the Park and I was the dog walker in “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.’”

Jorge Posada – To the DL. Might be out for the year. Keep a close eye on this. (Oops, I meant to write, “Keep a closed eye on this.”)

Clayton Kershaw – He’s back and going against the Rockies on Tuesday. If you’re thinking about grabbing him, here’s the yay or nay list. I’d prefer Campillo, Weeks, Kobayashi, Kuroda, Wolf (at home) and Hermida over Kershaw. I want Kershaw over Olsen, Eveland, Edwin Jackson, any A’s or Mariners hitter except Ichiro, Jo-Jo Reyes and Jobacum. Finally, I possibly want Kershaw over Guthrie depending on how Guthrie looks in his next start. He was not good in last year’s 2nd half and his leash is short, as they say in the zoology.

Luis Ayala – I’ve pretty much ignored the Fuentes trade rumors because I don’t think the Rockies are out of the division race and I don’t think they’re moving Fuentes. On the other hand, Rauch should be traded. I’ve picked up Ayala in a few leagues as I await the news.

Jose Valverde – 6 ER in 1/3 of an inning. Brandon Lyon, “Man, he sucks!”

Brett Myers – Soda Popinski is back. I’d take Kershaw over him.

Rickie Weeks – HR yesterday. He looks like a 25-year-old Ray Durham.

Randy Wolf – I kinda wanted to make this the lead for today’s post, but I couldn’t justify it. So the Astros are in discussions to acquire Randy Wolf, the pride of Canoga Park, CA. Seriously, you can’t make this shizz up. Randy Wolf, of a 6.63 road ERA is who the Astros want to acquire. Randy Wolf, of an almost 5.00 ERA in Minute Maid Park over the last three years. Randy Wolf, the guy who fantasy baseball owners know to sit in road games is who the Astros are going after. The Astros, who are 12 games back. Why are the Astros even going after someone? Why Randy Wolf?! I have to move on before this gives me a logic tumor.

Scott Kazmir – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 Ks. I hope he keeps it up; I just don’t think he will.

Rich Harden – 7 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 10 Ks. Kazmir vs. Harden in The Series…. of Injuries.

Kip Wells – In our Razzball league, where I’m currently in last 1st (I think. There’s an at-bat minimum that Yahoo doesn’t factor in, so the standings aren’t always accurate.), I forgot to move Kip Wells into my lineup.  Sonavabench! He only pitched a third of an inning and he gave up 7 ER. 189.00 ERA, 24.00 WHIP. This is the equivalent of having a 24 inning perfect game on your bench. Or a Marcus Thames 17 home run game on your bench. I so wanna bang my head into a moving car.

Miguel Cabrera – 5-for-6. Now at .290, he will end the season at .320. You do the math!

Matt Joyce – When I saw the Tigers scored 19, I knew the man with the smarty-pants sounding name had to get at least 3 RBIs. He got 5 and went 4-for-6. Matt Joyce was just named the Player of the Week and is on the business end side of the platoon when Mags pushes him.

Jon Lester – Held the Mariners scoreless through 7 1/3 innings as Lester drove them McNulty.

Troy Tulowitzki – 4-for-4. Now he just needs to go 146 for his next 146 and he’ll salvage his season.

Robinson Cano – Why don’t the Yankees send him to Winter Ball so he thinks April is the middle of the season?

Heath Bell – Coughed up 3 ER in 1 IP. The other day 4 ER in 1 IP. Bud Black realizes the pain felt by San Diego that comes with every Trevor Hoffman 9th inning blown save so he’s now taught Heath Bell how to blow saves in the 7th or 8th.

St. Louis Cardinals – Glaus is hitting .284 and hits HRs every day.  Aaron Miles just went 3-for-5 with 3 runs and 4 RBI.  Let’s put it this way – if Larussa had the dice in his hand at a Craps table, I’m putting all my chips on the Come line.

Tim Lincecum – 6 IP, 5 ER. When walking outside in SF make sure you keep an eye on the sky, Lincecum’s falling to earth. And there’s nothing worse than getting Lincecum falling in your face. (And that’s a different Come line.)

Aaron Cook – Notched his 12th victory with 7 IP, 3 ER and an under one WHIP. I cannot believe I still have this schmohawk on my team in a ten team league, but he’s been better than I expected. I think the way he pitched in the All-Star game really showcased what he does best — get guys to groundout.

Kelly Shoppach – Now with 8 HRs…one for every million unhappy V-Mart fantasy baseball drafters.

Brian Wilson – A one inning Kazaam outing with 2 ER.  Wilson owners do not smile.  Some even make pet sounds.

Jaime Garcia – Gave up a home run to Cha Seung Baek. Cha Seung Baek you’ve just won a new Hyundai! Garcia is high on walks, decent Ks, very young. Deep league flier and matchups — like yesterday against the Padres, which didn’t turn out that swell. See first sentence of this entry.

Jose Guillen – Out of the starting lineup since the All-Star break with back spasms but contributed on Sunday with a SB and run in a pinch-hitting gig.  Assuming he doesn’t throw a tantrum and hurt himself, he should be a go in the next day or so.  Given he only has 1 RBI in his last 8 starts, keep him on the bench if you have a safer option.

Brandon Lyon – Two straight bad outings. This time, he spared Haren and took out his wrath on Webb.  Who misses Valverde?

Austin Kearns – 3-for-5 and scored 5 times in the rout against Atlanta, finally giving fantasy owners (all 16 of them) the right type of runs.

Mark Teixeira – 2 HRs in a losing cause.  Speak of losing causes, when are the Braves going to trade him?  Maybe the White Sox?

Jacoby Ellsbury – 0-for-5. The law firm of Jacoby Ellsbury just got served (you’re on your own figuring out that mixed metaphor). About .250 over the last two months, which I’d accept if he were stealing bags. He has one in July and it came on the first day of the month.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 4 ER and he actually got lucky or there would’ve been more earned runs. You can’t say I didn’t warn you that the end of the brilliance was near.

Scott Baker – 8 IP, 2 H, 1 ER, 8 Ks and was outpitched by Vicente Padilla who moved to 11-5. When a reporter asked Padilla if he thought he had a shot at 20, Padilla began to cackle at the absurdity of the thought. Latest reports confirm that he is still cackling.

Erik Bedard – Bedard out until August. Glass is half full, that’s only ten days away. Half empty, soon he’ll be out for the season.

Roy Oswalt – To the 15-day DL with a hip abductor strain. I wanted someone to take us through this to better understand how quickly Oswalt could return, so I asked the one person I know with hip problems. Grey’s Grandma, “A hip abductor strain? I think that’s the same thing Milldred got when she shouted Bingo. Supposedly, she didn’t even really have Bingo. She thought the Father said B-4, but he said “before.” Real shame to get something like a hip injury on a falsie. Have you seen my reading glasses? I put them next to the TV Guide and now I can’t find them. I wanted to do the crossword.”

Joe Blanton – This is a lot better move for real baseball than it is for fantasy baseball. I’d throw a few dollars towards him in an NL-only waiver claim or I’d use a mid-level waiver claim. Yes, this is coming from the guy who preaches you should use your waiver claim fast and furious. Why do I say only a mid-level claim for Joe Blah? Cause I don’t really want him in any league, even in an NL-only league.

Chris Iannetta – 2-run HR. I keep getting questions in the comments or the forum about this guy. Grey, should I go with Pudge over Iannetta cuz, like, he has a starting job? Doooode, if you’re forced to have Pudge on your team, you should hope he loses the starting job. Iannetta has 10 HRs in a timeshare. You won’t take 3 or 4 good days a week instead of 6 crappy ones? Not to mention, Iannetta’s going to be getting more and more time in front of Torrealba.

Adam LaRoche – He’s at .415 for the month. If you picked him up today, you care what his April was like? That was rhetorical.

David Wright – Jerry Manuel did such great work to get Wright to hit a HR today. That was sarcastic.

Johan Santana – Tagged for 5 ER in 4 IP. After the game, he was seen dialing up his old friend, Kyle Lohse, for advice.

Marcus Thames – Hit his 18th HR in like 15 at-bats or something. I think if Thames and Dunn were in the home run derby we’d see 50 HRs and our first strikeout.

Francisco Cordero – Gave up 4 ER, 6 hits in 1/3 of an inning. I just traded him in one league with Fuentes for Ellsbury. Now I know how Tina Turner felt when Ike died. Phew.

Edwin Encarnacion – HR yesterday. I was going to put Double E on my top 100 for the 2nd half. Besides him having a good post-All-Star break last year, I couldn’t find a way to justify it. Encarnacion could be solid again, but my faith left the building.

Troy Glaus – 2 HRs. Glaus is another one that almost made the list. I pardon you. Glaus has been torrid of late. If a guy is hot for one month after the All-Star break, then you drop him for some other hot schmohawk in Augtember, you’ll be doing fine. Cust kayin’.

Kyle Lohse – 2 ER in 7 IP and Lohse moved to 12-2. Lohse says he owes it all to a chimpanzee named Ed, who turned out to be a best friend and a hirsute matchmaker of hilarious proportions. With Lohse and the chimp’s help, the Cards just might win the pennant!

Jake Peavy – Gave up four HRs and lost to Lohse. After the game, Peavy said, “I gotta get me a chimp.”

Awesome, Grey, you picked a random day of the season and compiled stats. What did everyone do on August 3rd of 1983? Actually, it’s not a random day. June 10th is approximately 67 games into the season. From today until the end of the 2008 season, guess how many games are left? The blind man picked up the hammer and saw. Now to say hitters and pitchers will do the same in the last 67 games as they did in the first 67 is obviously false. Some players are/were injured; some players always hit/pitch better in the 1st/2nd half and some players will sit after their club clinches/is eliminated. But I don’t think this makes my argument false as much as it reinforces the dire circumstances we are facing as fantasy baseball team owners. It’s now or never, people!

It’s time to start making some hard choices. Albert Pujols sure does dress like a world-class hitter, but if you need steals and saves, he’s not helping you. Though Lidge and Brian Roberts might. The inverse is also true, if you have Lidge, Marte, Broxton and Gregg, trade two of them for a part that could help. Most pitchers will see about 14 to 16 starts from now until the end. Most closers will be lucky to tag 17 saves onto their totals. The best hitters will be lucky to get 40/15/45 and 15 steals.  Trade deadlines are going to be right around the corner. Once trade deadlines pass, you’ll be left with nothing, but free agent pickups. In deep leagues, this can spell doom. (Dee oh oh em, by the way.) When your trade deadline passes, how can you make up ground in saves if you don’t have the closers? Only so many new closers will comes into the league in September. Where are you getting steals from in September? Home runs? You need to make moves now. If no one will give the parts you need, you may have to overpay. It’s not a crime to trade Pujols for Krispie, Marte and Dye if it gets you the championship. It’s crime to get a ten in average and a one in Ks, if it costs you your league. Leave nothing on the table. I want everyone who is reading this to win their league. You can’t win your league because you held onto Lidge when he could’ve got you a necessary piece and the title. It’s now or never, people! Make it count.

1. Alex Rodriguez – I’d trade my left nut for Arod. In fact, to prove a point, I just did. Are you happy? I’m one-nutted now. You’re welcome.
2. Hanley Ramirez – And there goes my right nut. Now I’m a woman.
3. Jose Reyes – To answer the Bee Gees, my love goes deep, especially for Reyes. He’s on pace for 135/18/70/.300/60. I think he exceeds those steals numbers, which means he does better in the 2nd half.
4. Chase Utley – My only regret this season is not having him on one team. I thought he should go 7th in the beginning of the year and I just never had the right pick.
5. David Wright – His average usually picks up in the 2nd half and he fills every category.
6. Matt Holliday – Think he can chip in ten steals while hitting twenty home runs in the 2nd half. Oh, and a .330 average.
7. Albert Pujols – I’m starting to feel like he’s overrated. .340/17/45 is solid for the 2nd half, but he’s that much better than Teixiera?
8. Lance Berkman – I think he slows down a bit as the season wears on and when he realizes he’s doing it all for nothing. Making the season count out of nothing at all…
9. Johan Santana – No reason why he can’t win 12 games in the second half, even though he only won 8 in the first. Recognize!
10. Ryan Braun – 17/10 in the 2nd half as the Hebrew Hammer does work at the plate on every day but Yom Kippur (<—-forced!).
11. Ryan Howard – Gets to 50/150. You take that with a .250 average and you like it.
12. Prince Fielder – Hey, why do my Tofutti Cuties taste like hamburger? *Yost smiles devilishly*
13. Miguel Cabrera – As I have said before, he’ll have the same numbers at the end of the year he always has.
14. Mark Teixeira – PABST, Post-All-Star Break Stud Teixeira.
15. Grady Sizemore – 15/15/.270 Tastes like Rollins with more power.
16. Jimmy Rollins – Tastes like Sizemore with more steals.
17. Josh Hamilton – First one I don’t feel completely comfortable with, but after his first half I couldn’t drop him any further.
18. Carl Crawford – Strong 2nd half last year. A force in steals, runs and average.
19. Jake Peavy – If the DL-stint this year didn’t worry me, he’d be sitting in first class with Santana.
20. Brandon Webb – His 2nd half last year was insane. I wouldn’t bank on any player to be the same this year as they were last year. It’s not how things work, but I still think he can be excellent.
21. Carlos Lee – Lisa Gray, who’s funny for a broad, calls him Clank Lee. (A funny girl who knows baseball? You schmohawks should be combing your hair just reading that.)
22. Ichiro Suzuki – I don’t know why I can’t get behind Ichiro. I love sushi. Love! I once dated a Japanese girl, which turned out miserably, but other than my current girlfriend, they all end badly, right? I mean, at some point in every relationship you gotta say, “The sound of your breathing irritates me. Let’s breakup.”
23. Ian Kinsler – He can actually build on his 1st half power, but his average will probably come down.
24. Nick Markakis – On the last day of the season, when Markakis reaches 110/30/110/.315/20, there will be a party at my house called, “My Girlfriend Gets Me Back On The Final Day Of The Season If I Still Have A Girlfriend By Then” Party. Hopefully she gets us a stripper.
25. Brandon Phillips – Every single time I rank him, I always want to drop him further, except if I’m ranking overrated players. For some reason, Phillips always makes me feel like this reporter.
26. CC Sabathia – I almost moved him above Peavy, that’s how much I like him in the 2nd half.
27. Vladimir Guerrero – Almost 40 points below his career average, I think he gets much closer to it, which would make for a very hot 2nd half.
28. Carlos Beltran – My placement of so many Mets in the top 30 shows I obviously think they’re going to continue their winning ways. I’m not exactly a fan of Willie Randolph, but it’s a shame that Manual will get credit for the Mets’ resurgence. They are just playing how they should’ve been the whole time, which, in this case, is very good.
29. Aramis Ramirez - I’m still a fan even though I feel like the first half of the year he was giving his owners a dutch pantry. (The first entry, of course. BTW, why is Dutch an adjective that equals kinky shizz dealing with farts? Or you “can go Dutch?” Which is splitting a check. Don’t try and figure this out. You’ll just waste precious man hours.)
30. Justin Morneau – I just went over why I like Morneau.
31. Garrett Atkins – The last two seasons’ second halves have been tremendous. I kinda wanted to push him into the top 30, but his HRs just haven’t been high enough.
32. Chipper Jones – What’s left on the Braves’s season? 67 games. Chipper makes a run at 40 of them, but not a run at .400.
33. Derrek Lee – Mostly a yawn after April. Swapping him for Howard would’ve been the move. But you didn’t do that, did you?
34. B.J. Upton – And, unlike Brandon Phillips, I always wanna move Upton, um, up. Maybe because his initials are BJ. I gotta call my shrink and tell her I’m making progress!
35. Nate McLouth – Tastes like Sizemore but much riskier.
36. Alfonso Soriano – I hope this is the year of the Cubs just so I don’t have to hear how this is the year for the Cubs every year. BTW, Soriano is this low because he has an injured hand. I wouldn’t want to mortgage the farm on a hitter with an injured hand. But he has shown great resiliency in the past so he could be a bargain.
37. Robinson Cano – I’m drunk on my love for Cano. Leave me alone.
38. Adrian Gonzalez – I don’t think he gets above 35 HRs. He’s at 22 HRs. You do the math!
39. Jacoby Ellsbury – 5/30 with a kagillion runs is great. Hopefully his average doesn’t continue to dip.
40. Corey Hart – Just a bit off of Sizemore in terms of production and “getting ladies,” which I guess could be consider production, as well.
41. Josh Beckett – Only a few pitchers moved up in the top 100 from where they appeared in the March top 100.
42. Curtis Granderson – He’s one of the few players that I disliked in March that I actually like more now. Primarily because of his ’07 post-All-Star Break numbers.
43. Cole Hamels – Few pitchers give you 8 Ks even when they have an off game.
44. Bobby Abreu – 10/10 with a chance for a pile of runs and RBIs.
45. Matt Kemp – Power has come on, his Ks are a bit worrisome, but I’m finally buying.
46. Carlos Pena – For those looking for someone who can hit 20 HRs in the 2nd half. Here’s one. I actually like Pena more now than in the beginning of the season. Partly because he can’t have a much worse half than his 1st.
47. Adam Dunn – Here’s another post-All-Star Break twenty home run possibility.
48. Manny Ramirez – The season is long and Manny’s attention span is short. This is the time of year I don’t want Manny.
49. Dan Uggla – If he only hits 10 HRs in the 2nd half with a .240 average, you’ll wish you had Yunel.
50. Roy Halladay – Halladay looks like he’s everything he used to be, but hadn’t been for the past two years. If that makes sense.
51. Jason Bay – I wanted to drop him even further, but when someone’s on pace for 36/10 with respectable peripherals you just can’t do it.
52. Torii Hunter – He’s one hot streak away from a 17/10 2nd half.
53. Carlos Zambrano – One of the few pitchers that’s at even odds for ten wins after the Break.
54. Brian Roberts – Bad three year Post-All-Star Break average and he slows down in the 2nd half.
55. Magglio Ordonez – I don’t feel good about his placement in the rankings because of the injury, but he should be back right after the All-Star Break.
56. Carlos Quentin – I’m worried the average keeps falling, that’s why he’s ranked this low. If you, ya know, were wondering.
57. Michael Young – Two shots of solid, one shot of steady and absolutely no excitement.
58. Shane Victorino – I feel like The Flying Hawaiian is not getting his due. His pace 110/9/55/.280/40. To think some people dropped him in the beginning of the season. Or traded him to Rudy for Matt Capps.
59. John Lackey – Yes, I’m a fetishist for NL pitchers, but I likey Lackey. The problem is the injury in the beginning of the year and his last two starts.
60. Dan Haren – His 2nd half troubles last year are well-documented, I won’t tack on more of the same.
61. Pat Burrell – One of the few players who I would double their stats to this point and say that’s close to what you’re going to get on the season.
62. Brian McCann – Putting up Victor Martinez numbers while V-Mart puts up Jason Kendall numbers. Weird!
63. Geovany Soto – For the search term “Geovany,” this guy used to be on the first page of Google. Nice hat!
64. Justin Verlander – As we said the other day, “Since June 1, 8 starts, 5 Wins, 55 IP, 52 Ks, ERA/WHIP in the 2.70/1.10 area.” And that’s me quoting us!
65. Joe Nathan – Current number one closer in my book. But my book is titled, “I’d Never Draft A Number One Closer.”
66. Jonathan Papelbon – Should be trading these closers sooner rather than later, if you have holes elsewhere.
67. Francisco Rodriguez - Just because he closed 38 games in the 1st half doesn’t mean he reaches 55.
68. Mariano Rivera – And the closer run ends.
69. Tim Lincecum – Innings will begin to pileup and the Giants (if they have any sense in their collective heads) will limit Lincecum in the 2nd half.
70. Kevin Kouzmanoff – So far he’s hit .293 in July. Last year in the 2nd half, he hit .317 with 11 HRs. Maybe this is his thing.
71. Brad Lidge – His Ks can actually make a difference.
72. Chone Figgins – There’s very few players on this list that can impact one category like a healthy Figgins.
73. Derek Jeter – If Jeter starts dating Arod’s ex-wife, I’ll draft him in the first round next year, until that time…
74. Ervin Santana – A decent bet to get to 20 wins and possibly 200 Ks. He’s only ranked this low because he’s never done any of this before.
75. Adrian Beltre – In past years, even when he wasn’t good in the 1st half, he’s been solid in the 2nd half.
76. Mike Jacobs – See no reason why he can’t go .260/15/40 which could be better than Adrian Gonzalez. Cust kayin’.
77. Evan Longoria – Hey, Alex Gordon, this is how you don’t let people down.
78. Chris B. Young – I tried to do these rankings for the most part without looking at my top 100 from March. But I peeked in at where I ranked Krispie. In the 90s. So not only did Krispie have an awful 1st half, but he jumped 12 spots up. He’s failing upwards! Well, this is another sign that these rankings are really trying to look forward instead of look back. I don’t like a lot about Krispie, but his splits last year leaned towards the 2nd half of the year and really all we care about is the 2nd half.
79. Alexis Rios – I hope he finishes strong just so I can stop the hate mail over the winter.
80. Troy Tulowitzki – There’s really nothing that points to Tulo being placed this high. He started off miserably, got hurt, came back with limited results then hurt himself again. So why is he ranked here for the 2nd half? Because if I had to choose between Carlos Guillen and a healthy Tulo, I’d try my hand at Tulo.
81. Carlos Guillen – I’m not a huge fan of Guillen to begin with and his 2nd half last season wasn’t good.
82. Jhonny Peralta – Second to only Hanley and Michael Young for shortstop HRs and RBIs respectively.
83. Chad Billingsley – I believesley.
84. Ben Sheets – I kinda wanted to drop him off the list because of injury history and last year’s 2nd half.
85. Russell Martin – I suppose a catcher going 7/7 excites some.
86. David Ortiz – Papi will hold his best for the playoffs and the Sox will be fine with it.
87. Milton Bradley – It’s just a matter of keeping the injuries in check. The talent was always there.
88. James Shields – Notice who he’s ranked just in front of. The significance is deafening.
89. Scott Kazmir – I put him right after Shields to magnify who I like better. Shields. Dur.
90. Jason Giambi – Stumbled a bit into the All-Star Break, but he can have a ten home run month and pile on the RBIs
91. Paul Konerko – Three year post-All-Star Break average is 16/44/.297.
92. Jeff Francoeur – What, you can root for Hamilton to turn his life around, but you can’t root for Frenchy to turn around his season?
93. Alex Gordon – If he can turn it on this 2nd half like he did last year, he’s worth this spot. If he doesn’t, he further infuriates me. You’ve been warned, Gordon!
94. Hunter Pence – Can be a 15/10 guy in the 2nd half. (I’m not sure I believe that myself, but he can go 15/10. Nope, still don’t believe it.)
95. Miguel Tejada – I considered leaving him off and he seems like he won’t be anything but a higher profile name putting up Kelly Johnson-type numbers.
96. Rickie Weeks – Throw him in Krispie’s sidecar as someone who doesn’t deserve to be on the list, but what he can do makes him impossible to leave off. Actually, I could’ve left him off but I didn’t.
97. Mike Lowell – He’s Puerto Rican and only 34. I always find that curious. Anyway, carry on.
98. Kevin Youkilis – I know he has a history of 2nd half swooning, but he wasn’t even good in June and July last year and he has been this year. I’m going to go out on a wild limb here and say he wins the AL MVP with numbers like 115/30/125/.320/5.
99. Edinson Volquez – When rookie pitchers start to accumulate too many innings, struggles turn to rotation spots being skipped. Then again, Management, “Dusty, you need to limit Edinson’s innings.” Cut to: Dusty’s blank stare.
100. Joey Votto – More valuable than Bruce.
101. Erik Bedard – Because no top 100 list is complete without a 101. Liked Bedard coming into the season. Do not like him at all in the 2nd half. His return is a question mark and he may be shutdown come September. He’s on this list because I wanted to say how much I didn’t like him.  “Yo, Point, where you going?” “Home.” “Jump in, I’ll drive you.”
102. Cliff Lee – I didn’t forget him. I just wanted to.
103. Carlos Gomez/Willy Taveras/SAGNOF – If you need steals, you overpay for them. Why? Because it’s now or never.
104. Jonathan Broxton/Damaso Marte/SAGNOF – If you need saves, you… See right above.
105. Whatever Player Gets You The Championship – It’s now or never, people. I cannot stress this enough. Actually, I can and will post about this tomorrow.

Travis Hafner – I placed him 4th overall for all first basemen. Not only did Hafner not deliver what I had hoped, he didn’t deliver anything, except a message that read, “I don’t deserve my uber-cool nickname, Pronk, and my bones have atrophied 500% in the last two years.” Unless Hafner gets in that pool from the movie, “Cocoon,” we’re done with each other forever. Skinny dip with Wilford Brimley or it’s goodbye. Your call, Pronk.

Rich Hill – I put everyone in this schmohawk, including Carl in the first comment here. I think Carl promised to hate me forever if the trade backfired. Luckily, all he lost was Krispie Young. I hate you, Rich Hill, for coming between me and Carl!

Jeff Francoeur – Even in leagues that don’t count OBP, I hate guys that don’t take a walk, but Frenchy had a certain je ne sais quoi. Maybe his free swinging ways made him like Vlad, but white — as most Vlads are.  Well, I was wrong here (even choosing him over Josh Hamilton in that ‘pert league), here and here. I swung and missed with Franceour about as many times as he did. Next time I tout Frenchy, my article title may as well be, “Grey’s Gay for Francoeur.”

Robinson Cano – There were times on this site when I should’ve changed my Don Mattingly look-a-like picture and put Cano up there with a big heart over it. I was blinded by Cano’s youth and flat, line drive stroke that is Carew-like. (If his swing was anymore like Carew’s, he’d have to circumcise the knobs on his bat.) Or maybe I was attracted to Cano’s absurdly low BABIP that made me think again and again he had to be a Buy Low…. Actually, I’m still buying. Act like you know, MC Lyte!

Edwin Encarnacion – When I placed him 15th out of all third basemen, I said this, “Maybe I’m effin’ crazy, but I like Encarnacion.” I was crazy. See, your first instinct is always right. Go ask Malcolm Gladwell.

Alex Gordon – I loved Gordon coming into the year. Was I wrong? That’s what this post is about. Why are you asking rhetorical questions that do nothing but hurt me? When you cut me, do I not bleed?

Alexis Rios – This is Rios’s fault as much as it’s mine. Why does your swing have to be so sweet?

Aaron Harang – I called Harang up the other day on my cellular phone. “Grey here.” “Oh, I was just calling in an order for some Hot & Sour Soup and potstickers and didn’t hear the phone ring.” “Yeah, that’s cool. Listen–” “Who did you say you were again?” “Never mind that.  Just let me say something.” “Um… Who?” “Listen, this isn’t easy. I’m sorry for putting so much pressure on you. I thought you were a solid starter that was wholly underrated. I see now you weren’t underappreciated, just under-skilled–” “This is an apology?” “Yeah, give me a second. So when I told everyone they should not only draft you, but trade for you. Why did you then shit my house? Cause I think the–” “This doesn’t sound like an apology.” “I’m getting to it!” “Okay, but I think I have another call.” “Oh, okay, I just figured you owed me some kind of apology–” “Me apologize to you?” “Yeah, you completely ruined five of my fantasy teams!” “I thought you were the one who was supposed to apologize.” “Yeah, you’re right. I apologize for believiing in you, you fat, mother– Hello? Hello? Aaron?”

Takashi Saito – Came out of Saturday’s game with elbow pain. Time for some math, ya’ll — Pitcher + elbow pain = Broxton closer for at least two weeks as Saito hits the DL.

Jhonny Peralta – He was so insulted by our lumping him in with fellow extraneous H Khalil Greene that he finishes the half with a flourish — 11-for-30 / 7R / 4 HR / 12 RBI in his last 7 games.

A.J. Burnett – The #1 crazy hot chick in baseball. Today against the Yanks, hot. Next start, pretending to be pregnant so you can’t watch football. Worth the gamble if you need K’s or agita.

Kevin Youlikis – Left the game after being hit by a Daniel Cabrera fastball. Youch. The tragic part. Cabrera was trying to throw a pitchout.

Hanley Ramirez/Carl Crawford – Sat because of a sore shoulder and a sore hamstring respectively. Don’t be too concerned; this is like Senior Day in the majors. I hear they’re all meeting at The Max then going to TP Mr. Beldings’.

Mike Gonzalez – Kazaam!

Jorge Campillo – On my cursed ‘pert team (Rich Hill, Harang and Wainwright), I had Campillo. He pitched well then fouled a ball off his foot in the sixth. Hopefully he’ll be all right. Otherwise, I’m going for Charlie Morton. You’ve been warned.

CC Sabathia – CG, 9Ks, 2 ER. Seems to be a good fit in Milwaukee. Schmiel, Schmazzle, Hossenfeffer Incorporated…ba pa ba pa ba ba pa…they’re gonna do it….CC and Prince sharing a carefree ride on a tandem bicycle, CC blowing a bubble with sausage casing at a bratwurst factory and sticking it on top of a brat….

Tim Lincecum – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks, now has a 11-2 record. Somehow the Giants are ahead of both the Padres and Rockies right now. Wow. I’m not sure if that’s more a compliment to Lincecum or a kick in the nuts to the Padres and Rockies. (BTW, Does a kick in the nuts hurt more or less when you’re a mile high?)

Justin Verlander – Since June 1, 8 starts, 5 Wins, 55 IP, 52 Ks, ERA/WHIP in the 2.70/1.10 area. When Rudy predicted him to win Cy Young, he assumed that Verlander was going to pitch like this and not take April off. Kudos to anyone who picked him up on the cheap.

Jeff Clement – HR yesterday. His .165 AVG shows that Seattle can get the same production from young players that they normally get from high-salaried guys like Sexson, Kenji, and Vidro. Clement’s got upside though…keep him around if you’re in a 2 catcher league. Otherwise, throw him back into the FA pool.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Dice-K’s now 10-1. I say smoke. You say mirrors. I say smoke. You say mirrors. If you think a .257 BABIP and 5.68 BB/9 IP is unsustainable, say “Regression”….

Jerry Hairston Jr. – Left the game with a right hamstring pull. 1800 miles away, Scott Hairston yelped in pain.

Matt Joyce – 4 HR in 5 games for Detroit. Guess Marcus Thames gave him the HR conch shell. His minor league stats point to power with no speed or great average. Ride him while he’s high, drop him when he starts falling.

Mike Aviles – Three hit game yesterday. He’s at 21/4/21/.310/3 over 58 games. If I’m not wrong, aren’t these numbers pretty yawnstipating? I get more questions about this schmohawk. People got rookie nookie on the brain. Aviles is fine, but he’s not F-I-N-E or winning you any league, unless you’re playing in the “Most Mediocre SS League,” but then you’re probably going to lose to the team with Renteria anyway.

Pat Burrell – HR yesterday. Goes into the All-Star break with 23/57/.275. Is it me or does he run like he’s on a mop pony? It’s like he’s accompanying King Arthur to find the Holy Grail. The 1B coach should have to hit coconuts together when he runs. I’m sure Victorino can supply the coconuts.

Vernon Wells – Hits the DL with a Grade 2 strain. Or as we called it in Grade 2, a boo-boo. He’ll be out 4-6 weeks; I’d drop him. Send your Get Well Soon cards to Toronto c/o Nobody Cares.

Richie Sexson – Was released by the Mariners. I was trying to come up with the perfect Sexson blurb, but all I kept thinking of was “Blechhhh!” So Sexson doesn’t get a blurb, he gets a burp. (BTW, I almost made him the lead, but I realized he’s been a non-story for two years. If he was the lead, his title would’ve been, “My Girl Doesn’t Like Sexson The Bumhole.”)

John Maine – He should’ve dusted the Giants like Mrs. Garrett did the Drummond household. (BTW, “Mrs.” my ass. Unless she was hitched in Hawaii to Paula Poundstone.) I can only assume the forearm cramps are bothering Maine still. Hopefully the All-Star Break gives them time to heal.

Erik Bedard – Hits the DL. But he was more or less on the DL anyway. Eff why eye, I wouldn’t be looking to grab Seattle Mariners for their 2nd half race to a 100 losses.

Moises Alou – Revealed he has a torn left hamstring. I guess peeing on his leg only made it worse. I think this might be the last we see of an Alou until his son, Shlomo, makes it to the majors in 2012.

Justin Upton – Oblique strain, but I think they’ve narrowed it down to somewhere in his abdominal.

Dustin McGowan – Tear in his rotator cuff. Punt.

Kevin Slowey – 6 ER in less than 4 IP. I said I liked him, I never said I loooooved him. For those Twins fetishists out there, I’d prefer Baker in a ball gag.

Justin Morneau – 5-for-5, someone asked in the comments if I liked him better than Atkins. I do. What else do you want me to say?! (I’ll talk more about this in Friday’s afternoon Buy/Sell. Or not! Wait and see! Or not! Actually, these “Or not”s could go on forever. Or not!)

Todd Jones – Blew a save yesterday. Guess how many that is. Go ahead. I’ll wait. *taps foot, picks nose and checks watch* Time’s up! Only his second blown save. Zumaya will see some chances soon, but I don’t know if Jones goes the way of Borowski just yet.

Aaron Harang – Placed on the 15-day DL. Strained forearm. Funny, cause he strained my patience. Supposedly he’ll be back right when his two week DL-stint is over.

Homer Bailey- Being called up to start on Saturday in place of Harang against Brewers. I’m sure the Brewers won’t mind either way.

Steven Pearce – And back down to the minors. When a team makes move as cunning as the Pirates, it’s baffling why they’ve had a losing record since 1992. It’s the Curse of Bream! Why don’t the Pirates invite Bream to Opening Day 2009 and surprise him with a clubbing? Hey, Sid, your fly’s down. Get em, boys! I’m sure Randall Simon’s available to do the clubbing.

Brandon Morrow – Kurt Suzuki took him deep to blow his save. When Suzuki circled the bases, from the way he was smiling, you would’ve thought he just won the World Series, except for the tumbleweeds blowing through the stands.

Dave Bush – 8 IP, 13 Ks, 0 ER, 3 H and one of the best starts of the year. His home/road splits are big enough to take a flier on him when he’s at home, right? I can’t make a ball gag joke and tell you to stay away from Bush in the same post, can I? Am I secure enough in my testes? As Lupe Fiasco might say, “Kick, Bush.”

Zach Greinke/Mark Buehrle/Jeremy Guthrie – Guys I have on quite a few teams. One team, all three — 21 1/3 IP, 19 Ks, 2 ER, .85 WHIP, Zero Wins. I think I’ve been Greinke’d!

Howie Kendrick – I went to a concert last night, so I missed some stuff, but when I came home and saw Kendrick hit two home runs, a few things that passed through my mind, 1. Why did the Rangers bring the outfield in in the 2nd and 5th innings? 2. Did they let Kendrick bat from 2nd base? 3. Why was Corey Feldman pitching for the Rangers? 4. Could I hit a home run in Arlington?  5. Have the Rangers considered a humidor? 6. I went to high school with a kid by the name of Howie. He has more Myspace friends than me. 7. Did they let Kendrick use an aluminum bat? 8. Howie Kendrick is like a poor man’s Polanco. So if Keppinger is Blanco Polanco, what does that make Kendrick? 9. Could ten things actually pass through my mind about Kendrick hitting 2 HRs? 10. Yup.

NO-BRAINERS

This tier is filled with a bunch of closers that are too good to be true. They seem indispensable, but they’re not. They just have an allure over you that scares you to trade them away. Set them free and if it’s meant to be… Or some shizz. I don’t know, why don’t you read the Hallmark blog if you want girly nursery rhymes? These closers are as safe as closers get, so trade them away.

1. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes, Jesse Crain)
2. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
3. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Justin Speier, Scot Shields, Jose Arredondo)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Kyle Farnsworth)
5. Brad Lidge, PHI (J.C. Romero, Ryan Madson)
6. Takashi Saito, LAD (Jonathan Broxton)
7. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez)
8. Kerry Wood, CHI (Carlos Marmol)

BRAINERS

Greed, Gluttony and Envy are three of the seven deadly sins. Then throw in coveting your neighbor’s closers and masturbating three times a day and fantasy baseball is going to send you straight to hell, unless you focus your energies on these closers, the Brainers. These closers seem risky, but end up paying dividends.

9. Jon Rauch, WAS (Luis Ayala)
10. Billy Wagner, NYM (Duaner Sanchez, Aaron Heilman)
11. Francisco Cordero, CIN (Jared Burton, David Weathers)
12. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
13. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
14. Mike Gonzalez, ATL (Blaine Boyer, Will Ohman, Rafael Soriano)
15. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
16. George Sherrill, BAL (Bunch of Schmohawks)
17. Damaso Marte, PIT (Tyler Yates)
18. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell)
19. Kevin Gregg, FLA (Renyel Pinto, Matt Lindstrom)
20. Todd Jones, DET (Joel Zumaya, Fernando Rodney)

BRAIN FREEZE

Saves are wonderful. I love saves! I have Fuentes, Morrow, Kobayashi, Wilson and Franklin on one team! They just combined for two-thirds of an inning and 17 earned runs. OW! Brain freeze! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Huston Street, OAK (Santiago Casilla, Alan Embree, Keith Foulke, Joey Devine)
22. Salomon Torres, MIL (Eric Gagne, Guillermo Mota)
23. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
24. Brian Fuentes, COL (Taylor Buchholz, Manny Corpas)
25. C.J. Wilson, TEX (Eddie Guardado, Joaquin Benoit)
26. Brandon Morrow, SEA (Sean Green)
27. Ryan Franklin, STL (Jason Isringhausen, Chris Perez)
28. Masa Kobayashi, CLE (Rafael Perez, Rafael Betancourt)
29. Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell, TAM (Al Reyes, Troy Percival)
30. Octavio Dotel, Scott Linebrink, Matt Thornton, CHW (Bobby Jenks)

Dustin McGowan – Placed on the McDL. I’d look McElsewhere. He’ll be an interesting sleeper (as they say in the biz, whatever biz this is) next spring.

Scott Linebrink – It was annonced he would fill-in for closer. So, of course, Dotel got the save. Yeah, that works. Thanks. If I was looking for a few saves, Dotel would now be the man I’d target.

Ryan Spilborghs – To the DL with an oblique strain. Doctor, I have an oblique problem. Well, Ryan, why don’t you just be more specific? Oofa!

Derek Lowe – Almost pitched a perfect game. Sounds like Alyssa Milano’s giving herpes to someone tonight.

Scott Hairston – HR yesterday. Guess how many he has. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Wrong! 14. You ready for a double dose of brain freeze? You would’ve got better production if you drafted the Hairstons instead of the Uptons. Ow, my temples hurt! Wait, here comes the knuckler — ESPN: The Magazine should’ve featured the Hairston brothers on their baseball issue instead of the Uptons. Stop, Grey, my eyes are bleeding from these sentences that make no sense!

Moises Alou – Still battling nicks and crannies. Probably has something to do with him being 84-years-old and older than his father.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis!

Jonathan Sanchez – Got a tough break when the rain came and forced his start to get cut short. He could’ve went another two innings. Or not! What am I, psychic?

Carlos Quentin – 2 HRs. I see no reason why he can’t hit 5 home runs a month from now until the end of the year aka 35 HRs total also also known as 14 more HRs.

Garrett Atkins – 2 HRs. Now has 14 on the year, I say he ends with 27. That’s less than most think, making him a Buy Low of Moderate Proportions.

Mark Mulder – In the forums, Peter had this to say, “Mulder recorded one out in the top of the 1st, walked 2, then left the game with an injury…. On the bright side, neither of the runners scored… so it is arguably Mulder’s most effective start since May 17, 2006.” It’s funny, because it’s true.

Josh Hamilton – He gets high on K-Rod’s supply.

Juan Rivera – Hit his third home run and this is officially the last time I will mention him. Some other guys I officially stopped talking about this season are Carlos Quentin, Josh Hamilton, Dioner Navarro, Shane Victorino, Eugenio Velez… Okay, they weren’t all gems. (BTW, Velez just got recalled and Bochy said something like this (I don’t feel like looking up the exact quote), “Velez might get to pinch run, but that’s about it.” Seriously, he said something like that. Ouch, right? What? Without the actual quote it loses its oomph? You look it up then.)

Lance Berkman – 2 steals, now 14 on the year. Berkman is making a strong case for Fantasy MVP, if they gave out an award for that shizz. His numbers so far 76/22/70/.348/14. He will absolutely kill some fantasy owners next year when he’s drafted too early.

Jeff Francoeur – You ride out Player A for three months through the worst slump of their career, then you drop Player A on Friday when they are demoted to the minors. Now Player A returns three days later and, in his second game back, he hits a home run. Do you pick up Player A again? Or do you risk watching Player A perform well on someone else’s team? Within the answer to this question is your very existence. If you pick up Player A again, you’re the type to give people lots of chances, including girlfriends. Sure, she slept with my best friend, but she was thinking about me. Sometimes this leads to people walking all over you. You’ll think you’re happy, but you won’t actually be for your entire life. Now if you’re the type that doesn’t pick up Player A, you’re tough as nails, and no one walks over you. You also distance yourself from people and don’t cut people enough slack. We broke up because she talked during the opening fifteen minutes of Goodfellas. NOBODY’S allowed to talk during that. You’ll probably find yourself cold and alone for the rest of your life. And that my friends is the Intro to the Tao of Frenchy. You’re welcome.

Ben Sheets/CC Sabathia – Now that the Cubs can match their frail righty (Harden) and tubby flamethrower (Zambrano), will the Cardinals ask the Yanks for Ponson back to team up with Carpenter later this year?

Bobby Jenks – Hater Bell was mystified last week when Karabell told everyone (who pays for ESPN’s Hindsighter™) to bank on Jenks. Jenks has been reporting back pain for over a week. Linebrink (or Thornton or Dotel) will step in and get some saves. This didn’t seem like rocket science to me, but maybe it was for Karabell. Now Jenks heads to the DL. Well, dur.

Miguel Cabrera – 2 HRs yesterday. In three years, you’ll be telling someone about how Cabrera wasn’t good for you back in ’08 and they’ll look at his stats and say, “Nuh-uh.” And then you’ll say, “Didn’t the Martians say we couldn’t use the phrase, ‘Nuh-uh? Busted!’”

Mike Pelfrey – Another quality start (7 IP, 3H, no ER).  Granted, it was against the Giants, but still…. Actually, I’m still not buying into Pelfrey.

Mike Aviles – 4-for-7 or as I like to say, “Khalil Greene has only had two 3 hit nights all year.” What I also could’ve said, “Greene is 3-for-22 in July.” Which means, “I hate Tulo for making me play Greene in a deep league.”

Aubrey Huff/Joe Crede – How do these guys have 34 HRs between them (18 for Huff, 16 for Crede)?  Those would’ve been our over/unders for their full season totals.  Maybe ex-Devil Ray Huff is getting some of the good fortune befitting his old team.  Wait…Jorge Cantu is having a hell of a season.  How come Delmon hasn’t gotten the memo?  As for Crede, we give up.  He’s like the younger Mike Lowell.  He can hit .250 or .300.  15 HR or 35 HR.  Play 150 games.  Play 60 games.  Nothing surprises anymore.  Hear that.  You can’t surprise us any more.

Randy Wolf – Another quality Petco start with 7 IP of 1 ER ball.  He’s like a wolf when he pitches at home and like Randy Wolf when he pitches away.

Alexis Rios – I missed the Jays last night because I was watching “I Love Money.” (Bee tee dubya, it’s a new reality show high. They’ve brought back 15 of the “best” reality show contestants who were looking for money while they were supposedly looking for love. Only now they are being open about it being all for money, but it looks like some inadverently fall in love. However, the first time it was obvious they were only interested in money and some fell in love anyway. It’s like a Möbius strip of nonsense. But I digress.) So all I saw of the Jays was this scroll, “Rios scored the game-winning run in the bottom of the ninth…” I was like, “Aw, sookie. Triple, Double? Single?” It was a walk.

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 6 Ks, 1 ER, the win and the saving grace for the proud people of Curaçao.

Brian McCann/Geovany Soto – They are having nearly identical seasons. Brianvany SotoCann should totally switch Varsity jackets and see if their dates notice.

Dustin McGowan – I warned people about McGowan’s overuse last season. Yesterday, he exited early for an MRI. Quick math problem: An MRI + Overuse = 15-day DL that gets extended to 30 days.

Chase Headley – 24 Ks/0 walks. He’s really not much better than Bruce, it just seems it because it’s a little less feast or famine (which is, like, soooooo American of you to like Headley more. It’s the middle class.)

Ryan Dempster/Justin Duchscherer – 16 IP, 4 hits allowed and 1 ER. Combined. If you made us GM for a year, we’d turn all the relievers into starters.  Except Gagne.  We’d turn him into a team mascot like the Quazy Quebecois.

Aaron Harang – Fuck you.

Ryan Church – May not return this year because of persistent migraines. Perhaps his head would toughen up if Moises Alou peed on it.

Torii Hunter – His 2 HR day puts him on pace for his yawnstipating 20/20 season (22/17 to be exact). But he’s only on pace for 77 RBIs – this has more to do with the anemic Angels offense than double-i, but it’s still pretty pathetic for the AL. Didn’t Sizemore get this many last year from the leadoff spot?

Chris Davis – HR yesterday. Until further notice, I’m only starting him when he’s at home, unless it’s a short schedule day.

Manny Parra – Pitched an inning of relief in the Rockies game yesterday. I mentioned in the forums that I think it was just his throw day. Later, Suppan was put on the DL to make room in the rotation. We’re all good, gang.

Damaso Marte – Notched a save, his second. I see no reason why he can’t get to 15 saves.

Ubaldo Jimenez – Ubaldo was solid last year, if you remove a mediocre September. He looked good in his last start and he was good last night (7 IP, 3 H, 0 ER, 7 Ks). He might go on a two month stretch where he can be very usuable. He gets the Mets this Saturday.

Jack Wilson – The Dodgers “have zeroed in on Jack Wilson to replace Rafael Furcal.” Zeroed has never been more apt a description for a trade target.

Josh Johnson – Scheduled to start against the Dodgers on Thursday. Josh Johnson hasn’t pitched in so long that we’re not sure if he played Casey in Dawson’s Creek. Would Katie Holmes start him? I don’t think so.

David Ortiz – He took batting practice today. Supposedly he’ll be ready just after the All-Star break. I’d say August.

Adam LaRoche – It’s the 2nd half so it’s time for LaRoche to hit. 11 for 21 w/ 2 HR and 9 RBI in the last 7 games. Why don’t the Pirates insist he play winter ball?

Nomar Garciaparra – HR yesterday. Nomar gave Mia the game ball, but that didn’t stop her from making a scene in the parking lot when Nomar told her that he drank half a beer after the game. Not on a school night!

Adrian Beltre – As the Mariners languish in last, Beltre gets predictably hot.

Hiroki Kuroda – Ah-so this is why the Dodgers got him! Actually, he’s been solid all season aside from a few hiccups. Yesterday he pitched a one-hit, shutout.

Vladimir Guerrero – HR against the Rangers. That brings his career numbers against the Rangers to 22 HRs/.408 in 77 games. In related news, the Rangers pitching used to suck/still sucks/will suck.

Jason Varitek – Your backup AL all-star catcher! Between him and Jeter, the AL is packed with baseball IQ, a never say die attitude and you-just-can’t-put-your-finger-on-it-ness.

J.J. Hardy – Hit two more home runs yesterday. Four weeks a year, J.J. Hardy reminds me of a young Miguel Tejada. Twenty weeks of the year, he reminds me of a muy stale Tecate. Imagine you’re a teacher and four weeks a year you teach the students well, knowing they are the future and blah-diddy, blah blah, then for the rest of the school year you just phone it in… Actually, now that I think about it, most of my teachers didn’t even make an effort four weeks a year. Well, there goes that argument. I suppose in many ways it’s better that Hardy gets all of his prodcution out of the way, now you can trade him in three weeks and get someone who will continue to produce.

Scott Linebrink – Got the save yesterday. As Hater Bell pointed out on Saturday, Bobby Jenks is hurting a bit right now and is no guarantee to be fine. He may be out until the All-Star Break. If you consider yourself a save vulture, this is old news. Go take a nap!

Cody Ross – Knocked in something like 55 runs in the four game series in Coors. Meanwhile, back on earth, the Marlins are looking to trade for a center fielder. That’s right; Cody Ross’s 15 home runs are so quiet his team doesn’t even know about them.

Juan Rivera – Mentioned him last week as a guy that could get hot and hit 15 to 20 home runs. He currently has 2 home runs; yesterday he hit his second of the week. (BTW, because I type with two fingers, yesterday is a super easy word to type. My WPM would probably be close to 60 if someone asked me to transcribe “Yesterday.” Since it seems like a pointless exercise and I don’t like The Beatles, I wouldn’t do it unless the money was right, which brings me to my reality show idea, Insipid Proposal. It’s Indecent Proposal for the easily entertained. You offer someone a penny to walk around the block. If they refuse, you raise the amount of money until they accept. I didn’t think they’d walk around the block for less than a dollar, but, wow, sixty-five cents! This show isn’t about skill, it’s about inanity. Now someone needs to make this happen.)

Oliver Perez – Perez and Kyle Kendrick in a pitcher’s duel? That’s why they play the games.

Nick Markakis – He is Sparkakis! 13th HR of the year and Markakis is a 2nd half player. Well, guess what? It’s the 2nd half.

Edinson Volquez – Got the win yesterday with 6 IP, 3 ER and only 3 Ks against the Nats. This shouldn’t be viewed as a good start. I’d still be selling.

Evan Longoria – 16th HR, he’s looking 2/3 Braun and only 1/3 Gordon or Ryan Braundon.

Chris Volstad – The Marlins pitching prospect was called up the other day and threw two innings of middle relief yesterday. Volstad will get the start on the 11th against the Dodgers. In a keeper league and an NL-only league, Volstad probably is gone by now. If I had room in a deep mixed league or if Yahoo adds him before the 11th (<—doubtful!), I’d take a flier, but keep expectations in check. Personally, he strikes me as Derek Lowe — third starter stuff.

Aaron Cook – I benched him in the one league I have him because the Broncos-Fins games the previous three days were out of control on offense. Cook ended up throwing 7 1/3 IP and 7 ER, but it would’ve been five if not for Cody Ross’s home run in the 8th. Everywhere you look, there Cody is.

Nate Robertson – 9 IP, 1 ER, one God-awful Mariners lineup.

Jon Garland – Garland a Tinseltown success! 9 IP, 1 ER, 3 Ks in under 100 pitches. I actually yawned when I wrote that. Then again, it’s after 10pm on Sunday and I’m not really a night person. Not so much a morning person either. I’m an afternoon person. After 2pm and before 5pm, I’m pure razzle-dazzle.

Michael Bourn – Had an 0-for-7 yesterday with 3 Ks. I’m surprised how little the mainstream media is covering this, but Bourn’s actually putting together a tremendous Razzball season. 38/4/15/.218/76 Ks. He’s no Tony Pena Jr., but it’s nothing to sneeze at. (Not to mention, if you were to sneeze at him, from the way his season is going he’d probably get pneumonia from your sneeze germs.)

Rafael Furcal – Well, I said yesterday that Furcal probably won’t be contributing much this year. Now it seems like he won’t contribute anything. How do you go from a sore back to back surgery after two months of rehabilitation? Seriously, they couldn’t have operated two months ago? Maybe when he got hurt? Not after he rehabbed. Ugh, this is frustrating. I hate Furcal.

The Angels – The regular readers probably already know this, but I live in Los Angeles. So my hometown teams are the Dodgers and the trying-hard-to-be-the-Dodgers Angels. Well, I managed to get to July before I watched a whole Angels game. I tend to watch the NL and I have Direct TV, so I usually watch all teams rather than one in particular. I have favorites to watch, in no particular order, the Marlins, Brewers, Braves, Cubs, Padres, Rays, Rangers, Phillies, Diamondbacks, Mets… Wait, what was I saying? Oh, yeah, the Angels. I watched them today. Holy mother of the inventor of Doritos, they are boring. I think my eyes yawned. Here’s some things I saw that I didn’t want to: Kendrick sparking the offense with slap hits, not being able to gauge if Eveland/Saunders are good or the Angels/A’s are bad, the OC kids jumping around like/with rally monkeys, Red Hudler saying, “That’s how Vladdy goes… From his heads to his toes…” and thinking how ironic it is that there’s a minority owner, but The OC is known as The Orange Curtain because of its lack of minorities. For fantasy baseball purposes, I saw a few things. Juan Rivera hit a home run. He could have a decent second half, he’s done it before. Chone Figgins looks unusable. It’s still early so he could put together a 15 steal month, but it may not be this month. Vladimir Guerrero looks like he’s suffering more this year than previous years, causing him to run like Cousin Geri from the Facts of Life. Bobby Crosby batting third is good for Crosby and bad for the A’s. Erick Aybar batted third and homered. I think Scioscia’s tipping ‘em back with LaRussa.

Roger Berandina – He was mentioned in the forums or the comments (Heffin’ hey, I gotta keep track of where things are mentioned too?). I thought Berandina was a solid NL-only pickup in a keeper league. He has speed, he’s batting leadoff until Milledge returns and he looks like he couldn’t hit the side of a barn with a broom. Eugenio Velez called, he wants his fantasy baseball outlook back.

Ricky Nolasco – 7 IP, 8 Ks, 2 ER. I’m told his name in Gaelic translates to “this start was against a team that had Paul LoDuca at first and Berandina leading off.” However, I do like Nolasco moving forward, even when LoDuca isn’t the opposing first baseman. (BTW, I went to look at what I’ve said in the past on this site about LoDuca and I found this, “(LoDuca) says he wants to prove the Mets wrong. I say, how? By hitting 7 homers and twelve doubles.” And that’s me laughing at me!

Jay Bruce – In five games, he’s at 12/6/16/.680/2. Unfortunately, those games are scattered all over the place. (Someone at Elias Sports Bureau just died from my misuse of stats.) Okay, after Bruce’s two homer game last night, you have two options. First option, you smile and congratulate yourself on holding Bruce through his lean times. Second option, you sell him because you know he hit those two home runs off a Pirates pitcher that might be named Van Beanstalk. You make the call!

Xavier Nady – 2 HRs. I kinda wish I took my own advice and picked him up on the 2nd day of the season. If I did, I wouldn’t have Adam Lind on one team.

Adam Lind – Watchoo talkin’ ’bout, Xavier Nady’s player news? I hit a home run last night.

Chris Davis – Hit another HR. Now has 3 in like 2 at-bats to go along with five Ks or something. Listen, it’s more of the same, you take the flier if you can afford to drop someone because you never know where something great is going to come from. He Ks and hits home runs. That’s what he do. He can hit 20 home runs in half a season. Most veterans won’t do that. I’ve bought in in three leagues, I dropped Ken Griffey Jr., Pedro Martinez and Jorge Campillo. Oh, and I still can’t pick him up in one league — Yahoo Fantasy Baseball sucks.

Daryl Thompson – This guy’s numbers in the minors were major (<—-pun!). Unfortunately, it seems like he’s now being rushed.  Luckily, he has Dusty to nurture him and watch his pitch counts.

Jeff Francis – To the DL. That’s the Disgraced List.

Clayton Kershaw – Back to Double-A. Looks like Alyssa Milano will have to find someone else to give herpes to.

Chris Snyder – Came down with Jockular Sphincteritis. IowaCubs, a frequent commenter, said Snyder busted a nut. That’ll be a tough line to beat for Razzball Comment ‘O Week.

J.R. Towles – Member that doooode that no one could get enough in the preseason? Yeah, he’s back. His return isn’t because of great production in the minors; Quintero is on the 15-day DL.

Yorvit Torrealba – It’s getting warm in Coors and balls are jumping out. I’m licking stamps and thinking about shipping Navarro off on a few teams.

Steven Pearce – I mentioned him in the Buy/Sell last week. Well, Steven Pearce was just called up by the Pirates. Okay, here’s the thing. There’s nowhere to play him, but the Pirates will be sellers (as they have been for years) at this trading deadline. So they could move LaRoche, Bay or Nady within a week and Pearce then gets a long look. NL-only people need to grab him immediately. Mixed leaguers need to wait and see.

Pedro Martinez – I’m dropping him in all ten team leagues. This was Rudy and I over IM yesterday, Rudy, “Are you starting Pedro @ STL?” Me, “No, I’m done with Pedro. And since I can’t start him, there’s no reason to hold onto him. He’s gone.” “Yeah, you make some really good calls when it comes to fantasy baseball. They should call this hobby of ours, Grey’s fantasy baseball. In fact, they should call hobbies — Grebbies. To work your name in there.” “I agree.”

Chris Duncan – Hit another home run. He’s getting hot. Definitely worth substituting in when he’s facing righties. In other Duncan news, Shelley dislocated his shoulder giving a high five.

Chase Headley – HR yesterday, now 4 HRs since callup to go along with 18 Ks and 0 walks. But, Grey, you tout Davis who Ks and doubt Headley? Are you facist? No, but Davis has immense power and he plays in Texas. Headley has solid power and he plays in a stadium that makes Randy Wolf look awesome. Speaking of which…

Randy Wolf – 7 ER in 4 IP. He said after the game that he felt like the “worst pitcher in baseball.” I say, “Only on the road, Randy. Only on the road.”