Jason Bartlett – 4-for-4 with his first home run of the year. Good to see the one person who stuck with him this year was rewarded. Now his Mom can drop him too.

Wandy Rodriguez – He left the game with a strained oblique. I think they’re narrowed his injury down to somewhere in his stomach. Well, it was a fun week and a half where I liked Wandy. Now I must drop him.

Ty Wigginton – HR yesterday to tie the Astros record for the most HRs in a month at 12. No, he did not match, Billy Hatcher. It was Bags.

CC Sabatahia – See what I give you when you let me finish the game. After throwing 117 pitches in his no one hitter, he went to a local carnival and threw 300 more pitches winning stuffed animals for all of the kids. I can’t wait until the Brewers meet the Cubs in the playoffs. I can see it now, Prince Fielder throwing 95 MPH fastballs using CC’s arm and Derrek Lee swinging a bat made of Harden’s ulnar collateral ligament. Fun times!

Mike Aviles – Finger contusion and he’s day-to-day, which is not quite ass-to-ass like in Requiem for a Dream.

Jeff Kent – Career might be over with torn knee cartilage. Here’s hoping the sportswriters make Bonds wait one year for the Hall of Fame as a slap on the wrist then him and Kent can go in together. My first chart-topping R & B song is, “Through Gritted Teeth.”

Kevin Gregg – This is slightly old news because we don’t do our roundup on Saturday (because my girlfriend would fucking kill me — her words), so just reporting this now, but he’s going to be out for at least a week. Matt Lindstrom should get the majority of the saves. (BTW, Matt Lindstrom, Chris Volstad and Josh Johnson… Is it me or don’t these names sound like guys that would be at a frat party where the night would end with a girl pressing charges?)

Carlos Zambrano – Complaining of heavy arm, he’s being pushed until Tuesday. Don’t think he’s startable in any league that’s shallower than 12 team leagues. A very risky play right now.

David Eckstein – Former World Series MVP takes his grit, hustle and just-can’t-put-your-finger-on it-ness to the Diamondbacks. He only okayed the deal after the Arizona Diamondbacks agreed to provide Eckstein with a unlimited supply of Coppertone SPF 45 Sunscreen and a sun umbrella that will be carried around by Augie Ojeda. Augie, there’s sun hitting my elbow! Sorry, Mr. Eckstein.

Max Scherzer and Mat Gamel - Both mentioned in the other day’s fantasy baseball keeper post. Jobacum will get the call; Gamel will more than likely not.

Joe Koshansky – Corner guy for the Rockies. Some pop + Coors = Hall of Fame career? Perhaps. This offseason, Helton (who?) or Atkins or both will be on their way out, which could open some room for Koshansky. NL-Only’ers and keepers should toss a few bucks Koshansky’s way. (BTW, Koshanky, Iannetta and Tulowitzki sounds like an immigration law firm. Or the last surviving immigrants who orginally arrived on Ellis Island.)

Colby Rasmus – LaRussa says Rasmus is not getting the call up. Was he sober when he said this? You make the call!

David Price – A) I don’t think he’s ready to start in the big leagues. B) The Rays staff is filled. C) The Rays are a super-conservative team with prospects. Look for Price in ’09.

Travis Hafner – Well, there’s a rookie name! If you have room on your DL, you can continue to hold him, but he’s missed three games this week in the minors due to shoulder soreness. Let’s not forget the comatose Indians fan who woke to see the Indians backup catcher with 17HRs and think the team was doing well. You may get Pronk’d!

Shaun Marcum – You’re familiar with his issues. You should avoid until TBD.

Brandon Wood -Here’s someone I really like when he gets called up (it will be a bit late because of playoffs for his minor league team). Scioscia will probably bench his regulars here and there when they clinch so he should be able to wedge Wood into the lineup.

Chris Ray – Soon Tommy John surgery will be an outpatient procedure. Bonkers, I tell ya. Absolutely bonkers.

Jerry Owens – Only seeing playing time late in the year if there’s an injury or the Sox clinch with room to spare. Still SAGNOF.

Adam Jones – Another “not really a call up,” but should be back burning jays by next week.

Jason Pridie – Twins prospect/outfielder who might get called up. Has some speed and power. Decided to drop trou and take a dump on his Triple-A production this year. That’s not an endorsement.

Jay Gibbons – His possible reappearance couldn’t even get Dame Jane Goodall’s nipples hard.

Jordan Schafer – As I mentioned the other day, Wren says the Braves will not call up Schafer. Stay tuned… Or not. Or yacht. Or…huh?

Brad Nelson – Needs to get out of the ginormous shadow of Prince Fielder if he’s going to have any chance for success.

Jeff Larish – Already been called up to replace Carlos Guillen. He has pop, but a liability on average. Should be on AL-Only keeper teams already, and worth the flier if he isn’t. Yo, that shizz is Larish!

Cameron Maybin – If he’s not owned in NL-Only leagues already and keepers, he should be. His floor is Mike Cameron. His ceiling is Derrek, who’s this kid I went to high school with that hit something like .790 with 20 HRs and 40 steals in just under 30 games. It was unreal.

J.R. Towles – Casual Reader of this site, “Hey, I drafted him!” Well, don’t go picking him back up.

Blake DeWitt – Mentioned him the other day, in the Ryan Zimmerman fantasy prediction
post-a-roo-ski.

Jon Niese – Supposedly getting the start for Maine on Sept. 2nd or August 33rd for those that don’t want August to end. If the start goes well, you might see more of Niese (BTW, no relation to Eric Nies).

Phil Hughes – For of youse out there with Bobby Meacham pillow cases and “Kiss Me I Got Jeter’s Autograph” t-shirts don’t do it. Put down that Hughes for this year.

Matt Murton – If he doesn’t get the call then The Federation For Equal Treatment of Gingies may have to step in. (That’s definition #2, btw.)

Steve Pearce – I pimped out my merkin with words of praise for Pearce earlier in the year, but he showed everything that Pittsburgh touches turns to Jack Wilson.

Andrew McCutchen – Can’t someone hire Bobby Bonilla to give an inspiration speech about how the Pirates were once good?

Brandon Morrow – I’ve covered him already. I’ll save you a sidebar search. I’m not buying into him for September.

Nadir Bupkus – The future of the San Diego Padres franchise.

Jordan Schafer – To update my excitement from yesterday’s post where I mentioned Schafer. Baby’s black balloon deflates. Wren, Braves GM, says Schafer’s not being called up in September.

Johan Santana – Was he outdueled by Kyle Kendrick? C’mon, seriously?

Josh Hamilton – Out with an abscessed tooth. If he needs oral surgery, can he have painkillers? That’s a serious question. I’m curious.

Dan Wheeler – Picked up his fifth save in the last week and a half. Didn’t I say he was going to be the closer? Even when everyone was saying Balfour would get the saves? Whatever. I don’t understand how everyone can still listen to those schmohawks over at Yahoo when they say shizz like, “Carlos Gomez is not in the lineup according to the Twins.” These things are effin’ automated. No one’s behind the wheel of that jalopy of a fantasy site. Honestly, I’m still trying to figure out why people use Yahoo instead of ESPN. There will be more on this subject in the winter and going into the spring. I don’t like the ESPN fantasy ‘perts, but at least their player news makes sense. “Yahoo Fantasy News doesn’t make sense according to Yahoo Fantasy News.”

Juan Rivera – Got into the game at 2nd base. It was a fluky thing and he won’t see any more time there, but, if your league has one game elgibility, this could be huge.

Gio Gonzalez – 3 IP, 4 ER. Just doesn’t seem ready yet outside of matchups. Drizz-opped.

Josh Johnson – CG, 1 ER, 8 K. Been terrific since returning and I’ll be the first one to tell you I didn’t want any part of him this year. It’s fine, I was just erring on the side of caution. At this point, even I would pick him up. Of course, now I’ve just jinxed him.

Matt Harrison – 6 2/3 innings and 1 ER for the victory. He’s starting against the Mariners next week and I’m still not looking at him unless the league is, as the kids say, hella deep.

Pablo Sandoval – HR yesterday as he got the start at third base then was moved to 1st. Unfortunately, I went out and missed this game. Would’ve loved to see someone lay down a bunt and watch Bengie and Sandoval converge. Lincecum, “Nooooooo!!!”

Tim Lincecum – Speaking of “Nooooooo!!!” Member how people were worried Lincecum’s innings were piling up? Yesterday, Bochy Dustied Lincecum for 132 pitches.

Matt Garza – I spotted him in a ten team league and was rewarded. Will not start him next time out against the Yanks, then I’ll start him the next time out against the Jays. As Montell Jordan sang, “This is how we do it…”

Jensen Lewis – Kazaam!

Luis Ayala – Well, it’s about freakin’ time! We officially have a Mets closer. (This will change by this weekend.)

Randy Johnson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 Ks. In a ten team league, he’s more than replaced Maine. I don’t think Pedro’s going to be pitching this well, or at all at the age of 44. It’s probably unfair to say that because of their body types are so completely different, but why do I have to be fair? Who said, “Grey, be fair.”  I’m not cutting up cake to share with my sister while she screams, “Mom, Grey’s not being fair!” No, that’s not what’s going on at all. In fact, I don’t have a sister. Geez.

Kelly Shoppach – 17th HR yesterday. Victor Martinez is in the minors. Waking comatose Indians fan, “Huh? Shoppach what?”

Blake DeWitt – Recalled from Vegas and will cut into Casey Blake’s time against right-handers. According to Elias Sports Bureau, this is the first time in the history of baseball that a player by the first name of Blake will be platooning with a player by the last name of Blake. Actually, they never said that, to my knowledge, but they could have. Here’s some more things Elias Sports Bureau could have said yesterday, “For the third time since ’98, Leandro couldn’t fix the soft drink machine,” “For the fifth time since Monday, Gus has attempted to flirt with Rachel and she’s taken it as him being friendly,” and “For the first time ever, Bob, in Accounting, died.”

Brian Fuentes – On bereavement leave, will be gone for up to 7 days. If you’re desperate for saves, grab Corpas and pray Fuentes’s bereaved gets better, but hope it’s touch and go for a week. Also, the Rockies are still trying to move Fuentes, so it’s not a bad idea to grab Corpas anyway.

Jimmy Rollins – 3 steals, HR and 8-for-10 in the last two games. About time.

Brandon Morrow – Set to make season debut as a starter on September 5th vs. the Yankees. In almost 13 innings in Tacoma, he’s struckout 18 and carries a decent WHIP, but he’s given up 7 runs. I’m going to let him stretch himself out on someone else’s team.

Jorge De La Rosa – 6 IP, 2 ER. In a few deeper leagues, I spotted him in for this start and I will for his next start when he gets the Giants again.

Vladimir Guerrero – Was announced he’d be sitting out some games to recharge. Presumably for the Angels playoff games, or maybe Vlad’s signed on to Dancing With The Stars. Fingers crossed!

Dioner Navarro – Left the game with leg cramps. Aw, must be that time of the month.

Wandy Rodriguez – Almost two weeks ago, I told you to pickup Wandy with absolutely no reason given. You want a reason? Yesterday’s line, 7 IP, 3 hits, 1 ER, 10 Ks. That’s magic, Wandy!

Zach Greinke – 6 IP, 5 Ks, 0 ER. I dropped him about month or so ago so I guess I was Greinke’d by this start. Then again, prior to last night’s start he had over a 5.00 ERA since the All-Star break. Then Again, Part 2:  He has been solid for the last three starts. Then Again, The Reckoning:  His innings are high for the year and the Royals provide little opportunity for wins. Let’s just say, I’m not picking him back up.

Carlos Zambrano – 4.1 IP, 6 ER to outfunk Ian Snell.

Luis Ayala – Blown save yesterday. Wasn’t fully his fault and he could bounce back to get the next five saves or Manuel might look elsewhere. The Mets bullpen aka “As The Turd Turns…”

Jair Jurrjens – 3 IP, 6 ER. Mesa tinks yousa drop me. I agree, Jar-Jar.

Cody Ross – 3-for-5 with a HR. When this sumbitch gets hot, he gets real hot. You’ve been served (with info)!

Bronson Arroyo – CG, 5 hits, 1 ER. If you had him in your lineup, you got balls. If you think you should hold him, you’re nuts.

Geovany Soto – 3-for-5, HR and 7 RBIs. Making a case for the first catcher off the board next year. I won’t be taking him, but someone will.

Cliff Lee – 19th win as he heads towards the Cy Young. Will be real interesting to see where he’s drafted next year. Again, won’t be by me. The Indians fan, who just woke up from a season long slumber, is met by a 30/30 Sizemore and the eventual Cy Young, Cliff Lee. So we’re winning the division? Wild Card? You’ve been Pronk’d!

Ben Francisco – 2 HRs yesterday. Instant replay showed he actually grabbed the pitches and threw both balls over the fence.

John Maine – Not sure if you dropped him yet, but you should. He’s done helping you this season. (Yes, you could backdate that to June.)

Luis Castillo – If you’re desperate for a MI, I still wouldn’t look at Castillo.

Mike Pelfrey – First time in 13 years a Mets pitcher has pitched back-to-back complete game victories. Of course this comes a week and a half after the Mets say they were going to limit Pelfrey’s innings. That’s what losing Maine and Wagner will do to you. Was kinda surprised Pelfrey didn’t strikeout 20 and throw a perfect game. He can do nothing wrong right now.

Victor Martinez – Should be back any day now. Am I taking a flier in any league? Nah, but he could have a respectable month.

Travis Hafner – He’s experiencing soreness in his shoulder.  If you’re holding him for when he returns, prepare to be Pronk’d!

Franklin Gutierrez – HR yesterday. The Big FraGu is hitting .338 with 4 HRs and 13 RBIs in August. Like MC Lyte said, Act Like You Know.

Kosuke Fukudome – 3-for-4 with 4 RBIs and had a HR on Sunday. Fukudome was benched a couple of games last week and he probably was dropped in your league. He’s someone to watch just in case he gets hot.

Grady Sizemore – 2 HRs as he secures his 30/30 season and, according to my Stuff On My Cat Desk Calender, we’re not in September yet.

Nelson Cruz – HR yesterday. He had just under 2,000 HRs this season in the minors. New math: Some pop + Arlington = 8 HRs in the last month.

Jimmy Rollins – As Phillies fans readied their batteries, he went 3-for-3. Hopefully Ryan Howard gets sloppy seconds on Rollins’s slumpbuster.

Brett Myers – 7 IP, 0 ER. Like Gary Glitter, Myers has been lights out since the minors.

Johnny Cueto – Removed after three innings with some soreness in his right triceps. Might be the last we see of Cueto this year. (Actually it should be the last we see of him.) This could bode well for next year, since it won’t allow Dusty to abuse his arm any further.

John Maine – Might get shutdown for the rest of the season. Even if he doesn’t, he shouldn’t be started in any leagues shallower than 15-team right now. As I told you, when he was pitching “decently” against the Nats and Pirates, all the walks will catch up to him and are a sign that things ain’t right. Well, they’re not right, he has a bone spur in his shoulder.

Alex Gordon – Headed to the DL with a torn quadriceps. Before he took his first swing in the big leagues, there were George Brett comparisons. There still are, but they’ve changed slightly. Now, “I saw Brett take a crap that could hit better than Gordon.”

Ricky Nolasco – 7 1/3 innings and 10 Ks. Been incredible for almost two months. I told you I liked him on July 2nd. If you didn’t grab him, you blame yourself. He’s still a too-many-innings concern.

Jack Hannahan – 2 HRs. He only needs twenty-three homers in September to have a respectable season. As they say in Scuba classes, don’t hold your breath.

CC Sabathia – 6 IP, 1 ER, but loss the win when Torres blew it. This is why I throw nine innings and 140 pitches every start!

Salomon Torres – Blown save, but Torres actually has been fine, just a bad break for CC and his owners.

Mike Cameron – 5-for-5 with a HR and a steal. I’ve been telling people to pickup Mike Cameron for a while now. If you don’t, that’s your bad.

Chris Dickerson – 2 HRs in last two games. I beat Dickerson into the ground when he was first called up. Again, there’s no reason why he should be on waivers in any league.

Robinson Cano – 4-for-5, HR. Batting about .310 since the All-Star break. One of these years, you would think, he has to put together a good season from April until October. I would think, at least.

Rocco Baldelli – 2 HRs in the last three games and batting .400 in last seven. I’m not saying drop anyone worthwhile for him, but this could be the start of something, especially if he starts at DH and if he runs the bases in a bubble.

Dan Wheeler – Blown save, but for those that missed it, it should’ve been a save, Riggans blew it. This denied Sonnanstine the club record for wins with 14, which is currently held by Roland Arrojo. Ah, yes, the storied history of the Tampa Bay Rays. (BTW, recently overheard in Tampa,  “When does spring training start? I miss baseball. Go Yankees!”)

Jo-Jo Reyes – Got pounded by the Cards yesterday. I like what he’s done in the minors and I still like him going forward, but if he doesn’t excel against the Nats in his next start… Well, he shouldn’t be on anyone’s team.

Carlos Beltran – 2 HRs, bringing his total to 19. Every year he somehow puts up a solid season, while simultaneously yawnstipating you.

Luis Ayala – Has only given up one hit in five innings with the Mets, which included a save and a win. Meanwhile, Heilman, Feliciano and others have continued to resemble a wart on the genital region of the Mets.

THE TOPIC: Who are the top pitchers for 2010?

Derek Lowe – 6 1/3 innings, 1 ER. I’m on him for home matchups like Alyssa Milano’s on Valtrex.

James Loney – HR yesterday. Headed to Philly for a weekend series. Stock up on your Dodgers’ bats. Loney’s probably one that is out there.

Greg Smith – 6 IP, 0 ER. Against the Mariners. It’s like being able to hit the ocean with a golf ball from a pier.

Yunel Escobar – HR yesterday. If he gets to ten home runs and five steals with a .290 average, you’re going to look at him next March and think about drafting him. Remember the five months of yawnstipation. Remember.

Brandon Webb/Cliff Lee – 19th and 18th wins respectively. Now disrespectfully, Cliff Lee?! Holy heffin’ hey, are you serious? He’s 29 and his K/BB ratio tripled this year.  What the eff? Imagine if the Indians were good and hadn’t been Pronk’d! Cliff Lee would be looking at a 40 win season and free blow from Drew Carey for life.

Hideki Matsui – First home run since returning three games ago. This is a win for Godzilla, anime and porn.

Joey Votto/Jay Bruce – Both homered yesterday. They should totally watch Beaches together, because Votto’s totally Barbara Hersey and Jay Bruce is Bette Midler. While Jay Bruce is rocking out on Broadway in a musical about Otto Titsling, Votto’s living for some detached jerk and biding his time until he has a baby. But things only appear wonderful for Bruce. His spouse is two-timing on him, he can’t have a kid and he’s butt freakin’ ugly. Wait, I was all ready for a good cry when I realized this was supposed to have something to do with Votto, Bruce and fantasy baseball? Oh, that’s right! Votto’s just as good as Bruce, but he’s getting cold there in Bruce’s shadow.

Al Reyes – To the Mets. That sounds familiar because I told you three days ago Reyes would close for the Mets. Of course the Mets picked him up. The Mets are so desperate, they went to see Giuliani throw to see if he could close, but he just talked their ear off about the tremendous job he did for 9/11. Reyes will get some saves within a week or two. Probably end the season with 5-7 saves.

Hanley Ramirez – Day-to-day after taking a ball off the thumb. There goes his spot-on Fonzie impersonation.

Ryan Church – Will be a backup to Tatis. Aren’t you glad you grabbed him for that DL slot? Zoinks!

R.A. Dickey – Gave up 8 ER in 2 innings. Which is sad for him and for Rudy who was sonavabenched on his Razzball team.

Mark Reynolds – Took fielding practice at 2nd. Well, that’s cool, Grey. And I took a dump in a Wendy’s parking lot yesterday. You going to tell us everything these schmohawks do? Okay, wiseass. When Upton returns, the outfield will get crowded, which could force Dunn to 1st, Tracy to 3rd and Reynolds over to 2nd. Reynolds is startable in just about all leagues if he gets 2nd base eligibility.

Wandy Rodriguez – Got a bum scoring call on a Hardy first inning “hit.” Wait, why am I being apologetic for Wandy? Honestly, I’m not sure. He was very wild and the game could’ve been much worse if he was facing the Brewers A-team. After all, Gabe Kapler was batting third. Not exactly Hannibal.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 with a steal with a modest one game hitting streak going. (Though he has hit in six of the last seven games.) I’m jumping ship in all mixed leagues, but holding in NL-Only leagues and deep leagues I really need steals.

Brett Myers – Complete game shutout against the Nats. Yesterday I said, “The only pitchers I wouldn’t spot start against the Mariners pitch for the Mariners.” That goes double for the Nats. If that monkey from the movie Ed made a comeback (No, not Matt LeBlanc. The real monkey.), I’d spot start him against the Nats.

Jacoby Ellsbury – 3 steals in the last two games. Might be the start of him running wild.

Jair Jurrjens – I’ve jumped ship on Jurrjens in ten team mixed leagues. In 12-team leagues, I’m holding him loosely like .38 Special. His innings are way too high for him. We had a good run. Peace, see ya later. Later? (LATER!) Later, alligator.

Mike Pelfrey – See one centimeter above. He gets the Astros next. I’d hold him for that start, but get ready to bail.

Jeff Francis – Looked respectable against the Dodgers. His next start is against the Giants. I’d go there with JF.

Jerry Hairston Jr. – Returning to the DL. Not surprising. We’re headed to September, he has a nagging hamstring injury and a lot of his value was coming from his legs. Punt. If it’s hurts for you to cut Hairston loose, you have bigger fish to fry. Beans don’t burn on the grill.

Jon Rauch – Picked up the save yesterday. Three weeks ago, I would’ve told you to immediately grab Rauch, but he hasn’t looked good at all. Not even compared to Lyon. Melvin says he’ll conitnue to go to Lyon, I’d believe him. It’s not worth the agita, unless you’re desperate like that kid in The Last American Virgin.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu went deep against Joakim Soria and the Indians rallied to win. The victory was also thanks to Kelly Shoppach’s earlier homer and Jensen Lewis shutting the door. Okay, now picture you’re an Indians fan who was in a coma for three months and you just read the last two sentences. You’d be like, “Jensen who? Franklin what? Shoppach huh? Wow, the Indians must be really kicking ass if these role players are chipping in.” Um, yeah. Listen, comatose Indians fan, you might want to sit down.

Billy Wagner – Out indefinitely.  Ayala, Feliciano, Heilman, Sanchez then Smith, that’s not the order I see them getting saves. That’s alphabetical order. As far as Manuel’s concerned, that might be the order they get saves. What’s the difference between Jesus and the Mets’ current bullpen? At least some people have faith that Jesus saves.

Rich Harden – Forever injured in Oakland, Harden has been amazing for the Cubs (and fantasy owners).  Another 10K game.  I wonder if Cubs fans accidentally call him Mark Prior during their masturbatory fantasies.  Billy Beane should sign Mark Prior and hope it is a lucky break in the DL/time continuum.

Ian Kinsler – Might come back from a slight hernia to play the last week or two of the season. Texas ain’t making the playoffs. Don’t strain yourself, Ian!

Kevin Youkilis – HR yesterday. Youuuuuuuk’s been on fire. .414/6/16 in August.

Josh Beckett – Will have his start pushed as he reported tingling in his arm after sleeping on it wrong.  The way the Blue Jays hit him last outing, that’s probably not the only part of his body that’s tingling right now.

Braden Looper – 7 IP, 1 ER. I told you two weeks ago Looper would be lights out in August. So far, he has a 1.93 ERA. Are you waiting until September to pick him up when he’s not good anymore?

Kevin Slowey – Snow White’s K-challenged dwarf somehow struck out 12 A’s in a rout.  As Billy Beane considers whether to trade some of his young prospects for some promising zygotes.

Brandon Lyon – Came into a 4 run game and gave up 3 earned in a third of an inning. Kazaam!

Ricky Nolasco – Two hit shutout with 11 Ks. Against the Giants, but still. This dooode’s been money. N to the Izz-O, L to the Izz-A.  Fo shizzle, my Nolasco.

Clayton Richard – 6 shutout innings against the Mariners.  The only pitchers I wouldn’t spot start against the Mariners pitch for the Mariners.

Aaron Harang – Start pushed back with neck spasms. “He couldn’t turn his head,” said Reds pitching coach Dick Pole. Funny that’s the coach’s name, cause this year Harang’s been a Cock Punch.

Adam Lind – HR yesterday. 4 homers in the last 6 games. Fans up Toronto probably missed it as they were off celebrating Carol Huynh’s Freestyle Wrestling Gold Medal. Okay, but let’s see her take on the Farmer’s Daughter from GLOW.

Ryan Braun – Ugh, Part II. He left the game after swinging and missing. I’m pretty sure he’s headed to the DL. I wish he would’ve just sat out the last two games so he wouldn’t now need another 15 games, but when it hurts to swing, it’s not a good sign.

Justin Duchscherer – And the hits keep coming. He reinjured the same hip that shut him down last season. He’s thrown nearly as many innings this year as he’s thrown in the last three years combined. You guys had a good run. When Dook-sher goes in for the MRI and CornNuts, leave him by the side of the road.

Greg Maddux – Looks like he’s being traded to the Dodgers. This is the one place where Maddux may have slightly more value than Petco. Dodgers Stadium is also a pitcher’s park, it’s in the same crap division (now he can face the Padres!) and the Dodgers score a few more runs. That is a win, win, win! Though, he’s still a questionable starter depending on matchups.

Barry Zito – 7 scoreless innings against the Braves. After the game, Bobby Cox said, “I’d give back ’95 if someone could make this end.”

Jorge Campillo – 6 2/3 innings, 5 ER. As I mentioned last week, I quit Campillo in all of my leagues. There’s an addendum to that, I picked up Campillo for my Razzball team, so now Campillo’s job is to become the worst pitcher ever.

Matt LaPorta – Was hit on the head during the Olympics and taken to the hospital where Michael Phelps performed open head surgery and now LaPorta will be fine. Phelps also made a the most delicious Dum-Dum Lollipop for LaPorta to suck on while he heals. The ingredients were two parts corn syrup, one part lepruchuan.

Evan Longoria – Rays are still saying September 1st is Longoria’s return date. On a real baseball note, the Rays seem like they’re having one of those special seasons where it doesn’t matter who gets hurt. They could fill Willy Aybar in for their 1 thru 9 hitters and it wouldn’t matter.

Al Reyes – Declined his minor league assignment and is now a free agent. Here’s some obvious speculation, Al Reyes’s new home will be with the New York Mets.

Troy Percival – Supposedly Percival will be able to return without surgery. He’s still due to miss 2-4 weeks, which in old man weeks is 4 weeks. I still like Wheeler to be the Rays closer.

John Maine – 5 scoreless innings only to have the bullpen give it away. He walked four through five innings. Against a better offense, this line may not look as good.

Jason Bay – 2 HRs and a steal. Manny who? The guy who hits a home run every game for the Dodgers. Oh, right!

Adam LaRoche – HR yesterday. 6-for-20 since returning, which for him is hot.

B.J. Upton – After being reprimanded two times prior for lack of hustle, he jogged to 2nd yesterday and was tagged out. Well, everyone knows you shouldn’t rush a B.J.

Hideki Matsui – Set to return on Tuesday. I’d prefer a hot hand, then a vet who’s just returning from injury. Especially a vet that has averaged a HR every 25 at-bats for his career. Not sure what the excitement is, but I guess it’s a Yankee thing. How’s Jeter treating you, Yankee fans?

Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 6 Ks, 1 ER. Should’ve had a win, but Braun took Chan Ho out of the Park.

Chris Dickerson – Hit a homer the other day. Went 3-for-5 yesterday. I think I’ve officially beat Dickerson into the ground.

Chris Davis – About to get third base eligibility if Hank Blalock can return and stay healthy at first. Yes, it’s an if the size of the Grand Canyon.

Andre Ethier – 2 HRs yesterday. He’s been starting over Juan Pierre on most days and has 4 HRs in his last four starts.  Torre sits him against lefties, which makes your job easy for when to start him.

Carlos Pena – HR yesterday. Four HRs last week. When I ranked him 46th in the top 100 for fantasy baseball’s 2nd half, here’s what I said, “For those looking for someone who can hit 20 HRs in the 2nd half. Here’s one.” And that’s me cutting and pasting me!

Javier Vazquez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks. June, 7.48 ERA; July, 5.65; August, you dropped him. Hey, Vazquez, how about you buy me dinner first?

Melvin Mora – 5-for-6 with 2 HRs. As I mentioned, in this week’s Buy/Sell, Mora’s feces has been smelling like Reese’s Pieces.

Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 0 ER. This doesn’t mean he’ll go on another run like in the beginning of the year, he’s just trying to find his way to a 3.50 ERA. He’s currently at 2.73.

Rickie Weeks – Left with a thumb injury. Nomar, “I feel ya, man!” If Weeks is hitting the DL is the point, you play the Pass Line.

Alexis Rios – 5-for-6, there will be a point during this offseason when I’ll write a post making a case for Rios being a sleeper for next year. Just comment, “No.”

Roy Oswalt – Threw a one hitter over 8 IP. Looks like he put his hip injury behind him (or beside him).

Ty Wiggington – Accounted for all three of the Astros’s runs yesterday and this week he went 9/3/9/.560. There was a bit of a Wiggington Fan Club forming yesterday in the comments. I’m assuming future meetings of the WFC will be taking place in the octagon.

B.J. Upton – HR yesterday. May all your pitchers pitch at Petco and all your hitters hit at Arlington. Amen.

Jensen Lewis – Got the save yesterday as Perez entered the game in the seventh. Lewis is being viewed as the closer, whether he’s the best guy for the job is irrelevant. If you’re holding Perez for saves, you’re only going to get the very rare situational ones.

Adam Lind – HR, 3-for-6. Averaging a HR in just over five games since his recall and hitting .330.

Todd Jones – Went back to the DL, but it looks like Rodney is the closer now anyway. (Rodney is now sure to give up five runs just because I wrote he’s the closer.)

Brandon Moss – Left the game with an ankle injury. Now he may gather some moss.

Dan Wheeler – Got the save on Sunday when Balfour couldn’t get the job done. (Balfour did intentionally walk Hamilton with the bases loaded. This is the only time this has happened to anyone, except Barry Bonds in the last 60 years, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. Actually, they didn’t say it, but they could’ve. Here’s some other things Elias Sports Bureau could’ve said this week around the office, “Tuesday was the first time Jim in Accounting didn’t call his wife three times before noon,” “Thursday marked the seventeenth time since March that Sally, Burt’s secretary, dropped a call” and “Fridays will no longer be Casual Fridays for Peter because he can’t tell the difference between pants and sweatpants.”

Troy Percival/Grant Balfour/Dan Wheeler – Percival left the ninth with a knee sprain. Balfour tried to say, “Hey, dudes, I got this one.” Only he didn’t leave to the slow clap as much as the hanging-head-of-shame. I grabbed Wheeler where I had room.

Brad Ziegler - Orel Hershiser laughs maniacally, removing the pin from his Zielger doll.

Aramis Ramirez – HR yesterday, but injured his hip later in the game. He’s day-to-day, which shouldn’t be confused with Soul II Soul.

Jerry Hairston Jr. – Supposed to return for Friday’s game. He sure has got a lot of press lately. Guys, if I may call you that even though there might be chicks here, Hairston’s not really a .343 hitter. Cust kayin’.

Rocco Baldelli – Guess why I’m writing his name. Go ahead. I’ll wait. *scratches nose, itches head, dusts off my framed picture of Michael J. Fox* Baldelli’s injured! Dur.

Jason Kendall – From The Files of the Unfair:  Because of a game started clause, Kendall will earn 4.25 million next year. WTF?!

Chris Iannetta – Yorvit Torrealba has a small tear in his knee. If there was any concern about Iannetta’s playing time, this helps.

Ryan Franklin – Got the save yesterday, but that was just so they didn’t overuse Perez. Never fear, Razzballers.

Brad Penny – Returns to the DL. Nomar, “See, this healthy thing ain’t so easy… Ow! I juth bit my lip when I said eathy. Thee!”

Todd Wellemeyer – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER. Dave Duncan says, “I’ll see your Mazzone and I’ll do it without the rocking back and forth.”

Chris Dickerson – The first cheap steal schmohawk in yesterday’s post went 3-for-5 with two doubles and a triple. Sometimes recently called-up players excel while pitchers try and figure them out. Dickerson might be one of those, so he may have even more value now than later. There will be a Buy/Sell later today as there is every Friday afternoon, and I may just beat my Dick…er, um, what was I saying–erson later today. Tasteful!

John Maine – 5 IP, 6 Ks to beat the Nats. (BTW, can we start calling the Nats home, The Peach Pit? Thank you.)

Mike Lowell – To the DL. Oblique strain, but I think they’ve narrowed it down to somewhere in his stomach.

Joel Zumaya – To the DL with a sore right shoulder. Someone must have challenged him to a marathon session of Mario Kart and now this happens. Fernando Rodney should get the first look for saves now (as I write this, Farnsworth is probably saving a game. I keed.). Then guess who returns on Friday, Todd “Your Mother Throws Harder Than Me” Jones. You’re not jonesing for any of that, I tell ya!

Tom Gordon – Out for the season. Back date this to some time in April. Sorry, TG, but you’ve done nothing for a while. Cleats meet hook on the back of closet door. Closet door hook meet cleats.

Chipper Jones – Out of Wednesday lineup with a tummy ache. That whole “I’m playing every game this year” thing he said in April lasted a lot longer than either of us thought it would. The “us” being you and I. Hey you!

Braden Looper – I told you he’d be good this month. Dare I say, Looper’s been super.

Billy Wagner – Due back on Monday. The Mets pitching staff lets out a collective breath. Then Johan, “Wait, Wagner was crappy too.” The Mets pitchers sullenly nod their heads then Pedro Feliciano, “Johan, be happy. Like me.”

Delmon Young – HR yesterday for the second straight game. Somebody’s hot. Who? Delmon, ya’ll.

Jeff Samardzija – Word out of Wrigleyville is the Shark’s starting on Sunday.

Mike Gonzalez – Kazaam! Oh, wait, you kinda have to get the occassional saves to be considered a closer and to get Kazaam’d.

John Grabow – Got his third save. As I said the day before Marte was traded (Ms. Cleo, bitches!), Grabow would get the bulk of the saves. Yates-Schmates.

Tim Lincecum – Said he’ll make his next start. Guess we gotta believe him, though my first inclination is not to.

Chris Perez – Got the save. I try to watch all teams, but sometimes I miss certain players while I flip around Direct TV. Anyway, I saw Perez last night for the first time. Wild at times, but he’s a major league closer.

Ryan Braun – The Hebrew Hammer (BTW, can you imagine Prince Fielder calling Ryan Braun that? About as likely as Bill Gates calling Warren Buffett, “T-Bone.”) says he’s feeling better and should be back by the weekend.

Vernon Wells – Grand slam yesterday. Could have a solid final month and a half, but keep in mind his last huge month was two years ago.

Jorge Campillo – FYI, just so you know, for what it’s worth, I’m bailing. It was good while it lasted, but you gotta know when to hold them and know when to…

CC Sabathia – 114 pitches in 7 innings. All that work Dusty Baker did mentoring Yost and he pulls him after seven?! What happened with changing his name to CG?!

Russell Martin – As his slump drags on, he’s dropped to the 8 hole.  Torre batted Posada 6th through thick and thin. Guess we know which restaurant Torre eats at in the food court — Sbarro!

In other injury news, there is the Flyin’ Hawaiian and The Overrated Mulatto. Shane Victorino came out of yesterday’s game with stiffness in his back, while Jeter left the game with a foot injury after fouling a ball off it earlier in the game. Both players are listed as day to day, which is sports journalist code for “I have no idea.” I wish I could get away with this in my every day life. Are you going to pickup dinner? Day to day. What’s that sore on your lip? Day to day. Why are you peeing on my leg? Day to day. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carl Crawford – It’s official. He’s done. Off to have surgery. This is probably a blessing for your team in some leagues. Crawford wasn’t having the best year, yet you had to start him because he was Crawford. Buh-bye.

Evan Longoria – I’d expect him to miss the rest of the season too, but the Rays are saying he should be back by September 1st.

David Ortiz – 2 HRs in the 1st inning with 6 RBIs. It’s the kind of inning that makes owners drool. Ortiz is now on pace for 430 HRs and 1.7 million RBIs for the rest of the year. He might fall short. Let’s not forget he did hit the HRs against Scott Feldman. If you’re not familiar with the name, that means you’re not related to Scott Feldman. Congratulations. Let’s not forget, Part II: The Return of More Deflating News From Grey, Ortiz was just complaining of a sore wrist.

Emilio Bonifacio – Since going 8-for-18, he’s gone 0-for-20. If he keeps going from feast to famine like this, the Nats might have to make Bonifacio watch the very special episode of The Facts of Life when Blair had an eating disorder.

Randy Johnson – 7 starts, 6 wins, 1.58 ERA and a .85 WHIP. Obviously, he’s ownable in every league. Even two team leagues where the other guy’s already quit.

Jermaine Dye – Hit his 28th HR yesterday. I picked him up off waivers in my 15 team ‘pert league back in April, but I’ve since traded him and Kouzmanoff to the ghost of George Carlin, which I kinda regret.

Lance Berkman – HR yesterday after hitting only two since July 1st. He was due for a cold spell. Too bad he’s not injury prone like Chipper so you could’ve just replaced him for a month or two.

Felipe Lopez – Landed in perhaps the only place where he could actually have value, St. Louis. If LaRussa can turn Aaron Miles, Adam Kennedy and Cesar Izturis into serviceable nine hitters, he might make Lopez into a decent number 2. And a “decent number two” is exactly what Lopez is.

Johan Santana – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 Ks. Has only struckout ten or more batters in a game twice this year. Cust kayin’.

Pedro Feliciano – Won the bullpen paper, rock scissors and got the save.

Mike Cameron/Jody Gerut – Two Carlos Lee replacements, two home runs yesterday.

Austin Kearns – 2-for-4 with a steal. My third Carlos replacement.

Juan Rivera – HR yesterday. I don’t currently have him on a team, but he might be heating up again after hitting well in July. (He was not good in August thus far.)

Brad Ziegler – Save yesterday. Officially the A’s closer and he’s pitched 38 straight scoreless innings.

Gio Gonzalez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks. After watching him pitch well last week (minus the first inning), I held onto him and was rewarded tonight with Savviest Fantasy Baseball Owner for August 12th. First, I wanna thank God. Without him, none of this would be possible. Second, I wanna thank Yahoo for having Gio Gonzalez in your database. We had some touch and go moments this season, but you came through when I needed you. Third, I wanna thank Aaron Cook for shitting the bed a couple of starts in a row and forcing me to pick a pitcher off waivers.

Gary Sheffield – 2 HRs yesterday. He obviously hit these homers because he was pissed off he was being placed on waivers. Can’t they hire someone to come into the locker room to insult Sheff? “Yo mama is so fat, she can only fit into a throwback Cecil Fielder jersey.” Maybe they can get Wilmer Valderrama.

Mark Reynolds/Krispie Young/Adam Dunn – .246/.235/.235/ respectively. Stinker to Whatevers to Fat Chance.

Evan Longoria – Fractured wrist sends Longoria to the DL. Word around Wisteria Lane is the injury happened from bitch-slapping Nicolette Sheridan. It’s tough being the youngest and prettiest on the block… For the Rays, this is a tough 1-2 after losing Carl Crawford. It’s as if the world realizes something is amiss with the Rays winning and wants to put things back in order. Bad news for Longoria owners. There’s a chance the Rays rush him back for the pennant race, but there’s also a good chance he may not return this year in time to help anyone or he may return and not be the same hitter in the final month. Wrist injuries are often doom for hitters’ short-term production.

CJ Wilson – Done for the season. Guardado will remain the closer until he begins to look more like the real Guardado then Frank Francisco will take over. ETA for real Guardado? 3 days to one month.

Justin Verlander – 4.1 IP, 6 ER. Reports are saying he has a dead arm. That doesn’t mean he’s walking around like a zombie with his arm sticking out. It means Leyland had him throw 130 pitches last week then had him throw 4 days later. Luckily, a dead arm is not as bad as an injured arm. But it’s the first step.

Aaron Heilman – 3 ER, blowing the save. If Heilman’s got Jerry Manuel pulling out his hair, he might want to call Guiseppe Franco. When the best righty closer in your team’s 40+ year history is Armando Benitez, you’ve got to expect the worst. If you’re Double D’d with closers, you might want to punt this whole situation.

John Grabow – Save for Pittsburgh. Might be good for 5-7 more saves the rest of the way which will require 10-12 Tums.

Glen Perkins – Kudos to those of you who had the cajones to start the now 9-3 Perkins against the Yanks as he shut them out for 8 innings.  He’s not going to give you K’s or a great WHIP but he might be worth keeping an eye on for spot starts the rest of the way.

Carlos Lee – Had surgery on his pinkie. The operating doctor said, “It had been torn apart like a jigsaw puzzle that we put together.” Okay, but was it like a snow scene puzzle where there’s like 3000 white pieces or was it a dogs playing poker puzzle?

Shaun Marcum – 6 IP, 2 ER. He looks flat-out usable. (Which is, of course, below flat-out dominating and above flat-out awful.)

Nomar Garciaparra – Returns from the DL on Tuesday. Hopefully he doesn’t hurt anyone else reinjuring himself on Wednesday.

Hideki Matsui/Joba Chamberlain – Hideki’s running the bases and Joba’s set to throw on Friday. Everything’s all right in Yankee land, except for getting shutout by the aforementioned Glen Perkins. And batting Justin Christian lead off. And being 9 games behind the Rays. And being closer to the fourth place Jays than the second place Sox. And starting Sidney Ponson every fifth day. And starting Rasner. And relying on Xavier Nady. And still paying Carl Pavano. And thinking Ivan Rodriguez would really matter in the big picture. But other than those things, all is right in Yankee land.

Carl Crawford – The other “Carl loss” is our good friend, Carl Crawford. Looks like it was a bad year to predict he would finally show some power. However, it was a good year for me to trade him for Ryan Braun about two months ago. Phew. The right hand injury that forced Carl Crawford to the DL could force him out of action for the rest of the season. I would not drop Crawford just yet, because he thinks he’ll be back in 15 days. We’ll see. This opens up a spot for Rocco Baldelli to get quickly injured, Cliff Floyd to throw a tantrum and Gabe Gross to pickup the pieces. Hopefully you have different options than the Rays.

Chris Carpenter – Right triceps strain. At the best, gone for a start. At the worst, gone ’til March. You shouldn’t have been counting on Carpenter for much anyway.

Brad Lidge – Complaining of a sluggish shoulder. Hopefully no one puts salt on it. (Get it? Cause if you put salt on a slug…Oh, forget it.) Ryan Madson got the save yesterday. Chad Durbin got the save on Saturday. Probably will be some combination of the two (or even JC Romero, if the matchup is right) that will fill-in for Lidge. If this doesn’t turn into a 15-day DL stint for Lidge, I’d be shocked. If the Phillies push him through, it could turn into a “Lidge hopes to be ready for spring training”-type deal.

Orlando Hudson – Will need season-ending surgery to fix a dislocated wrist. If you were counting on O-Dog for anything, you have bigger fish to fry. This boosts Conor Jackson’s value a bit because he’ll be inserted into the three hole on a regular basis. Looks like Upton will have to find someone else to carry him around.

Aaron Harang – 4 IP, 8 ER. Good to see him pickup right where he left off.

Scott Rolen – Placed on the DL with a sore shoulder that has caused him problems in the past. Unless you’re in a league that only used aging vets that are drafted on name recognition alone, you probably didn’t have Rolen anyway. And, if you’re in a league like that, grab Aurilla. He’ll suit you just fine.

Cliff Lee – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 K. The C. Lee that didn’t break any hearts this weekend.

Mike Hampton - 4 IP, 6 ER. After the game, he didn’t say, but should have said, “I sucked, but that shouldn’t surprise you.”

Todd Helton – If you just read his name and said to yourself, “Oh, wow! I totally forgot Todd Helton existed.” You’re not alone. Helton had a minor setback and now might not return this season.

Carlos Quentin – HR yesterday. 10th since the All-Star Break. Making a strong case for AL MVP and being pretty overvalued next year.

Manny Parra – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks vs. the Nats. Ah, to pitch against the Nats, if only you weren’t followed by Backne. Parra, “Hey, Billingsley, I saw Kuo blew your lead–” “Actually, Alyssa Milano is blowing my lead right now.”

Fernando Rodney – Got the save yesterday, but the Tigers made it a five run game in the bottom of the 8th so it wasn’t a traditional save. As to who would get the ball in a traditional save opportunity, whoever Leyland wants to point his yellow-stained finger towards. My guess is Rodney, Zumaya and Farnsworth, in that order.

Huston Street – Not sure how far down the depth chart Street’s fallen? He entered the 5th inning  yesterday and gave up 3 runs. Joey Devine might get a save before Street. (BTW, Street only had 18 saves in three quarters of the season. You gotta ask yourself how badly do you want those other five saves he might get.)

Lastings Milledge – Hit another HR yesterday. Has 5 HRs in the last ten games. Might give Mike Cameron a run for the least owned 20/20 man in the history of fantasy baseball.

Emilio Bonifacio – 0-for-6 and nary a hit all weekend. I’m giving him until the end of the week and then will reevaluate. To try and jumpstart Bonifacio, I’m wearing a rally merkin (Weird Thing of the Day) on my head.

Scott Schoeneweis – With Wagner out, the question was who would step in his shoes. Schoeneweis entered the ninth and promptly blew the save. Looks like the Mets found a Wagner replacement. Now to find a closer.

Aaron Heilman – 2/3 of an inning and the gift win. Don’t worry, he’ll balance it out with a loss when he’s inserted into the closer role.

Jody Gerut – Another HR yesterday. Okay, this the last time I’m mentioning him.

Chase Headley – 2 HRs in last two games. In the one league where I had Headley, I got bored of him and the Padres’ offense so I picked up Andy LaRoche. What invariably happens when you drop someone? They get hot.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 IP, 6 ER. I told you last week, “Last year, (Ubaldo) had a solid July then got progressively worse as the year went on. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America.” And that’s me quoting me!

Justin Duchscherer – 5 IP, 4 ER. Member that correction I warned you about? The one where I said Duchscherer is going to fall back to earth? Yup and uh-huh.

Scott Feldman – 7 IP, 2 ER. Mazel Tov. You’re a man now!

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 7 Ks, 1 ER. Evidently, Alyssa Milano’s advice to breath through his eyeballs helped. That and the blow job.

Jeff Francis – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER also known as the ‘Colorado Rockies Quality Start.’ Throw Francis in the Snell Bag of starters who were useful last year, but currently are not.

Chris Volstad – 6 IP, 0 ER. While his name makes him sound like a cocky little douche like Josh Beckett, he’s actually a sinker ball pitcher. Go figure.

AJ Burnett – Despite a 4.50 ERA and pitching for the Jays, Burnett pitched a so-so game to net his 14th win. That’s worth 9 wins in America. Ask Johan.

Dan Uggla – 0-for-4. .179 since July 1st. It’s a long, bumpy road back to a .250 career average.

Brian Giles – Might be traded to the Red Sox. Could be interesting to see him hit some walks off The Green Monster.

Jim Leyland – Suggested newly appointed closer, Joel Zumaya, go to an instructional league this winter to learn to be a closer. If that makes no sense to you, welcome to my brain. Hopefully the instructional league is somewhere without forest fires or Guitar Hero. Leyland volunteered to visit him in hopes that the Caribbean Duty-Free stores have nice discounts on Marlboro Reds.

Manny Ramirez – HR yesterday. The league is investigating the circumstances surrounding the Red Sox-Dodgers trade of Manny Ramirez. When asked about his departure from the Red Sox, Manny responded “By plane.”

Gio Gonzalez – Doooodes, he looked good. I’m sorry. The numbers don’t tell the whole story. I watched him give up the 2-out home run to Barajas. I watched him strikeout some schmohawks. He may not be startable in all leagues, but I’m holding him in deep leagues. In keepers and AL-Only leagues, I’m really holding.

Joba Chamberlain – As expected, he’s been moved to the DL.  Brian Cashman has laid out Joba rules for the doctors – don’t test his shoulder on consecutive days, wear kids gloves at all times, and give him lollipops after his visits.

C.J. Wilson – Told you yesterday that he was headed to the Disgraceful List. Guess where he is now? Notice how I never say, I told you so. But I did tell you so. Yes, I just said I told you so. And again. Eddie Guardado will be the closer. Frank Francisco will be his setup man. I wouldn’t trust my dead grandmother’s life with Guardado. (BTW, she threw faster than Guardado. Still might.)

Bobby Crosby – HR yesterday. 2nd this week. He’s worth a looksee, even if his unhealthiness makes you want to take care of him. Don’t chew, Bobby….Momma Bird will take care of that.

Jody Gerut – Another HR yesterday. Now has 9. Or one more than Alexis Rios.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis!

Mike Cameron – He’s streaky.  5 hits and 2 SBs across 2 games might be the start of something.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 7 Ks, 1 ER. For those hoping this is the bounce back you’re waiting on, I say it was Oakland. I’d tread carefully.

Brandon Backe – After his 11 ER debacle last night, Backe seems to be challenging Barry Zito for the Sigh Young Award.  A 6-11 record with 5.35 ERA and 1.63 WHIP falls somewhat short of Zito’s 13 losses and 1.74 WHIP but there’s still 2 months to go….

Jeff Karstens – Nothing like a fresh start, eh?  On the Yanks, this guy is a poor man’s Darrell Rasner.  On the Pirates, he nearly throws a perfect game and is now scoreless in 15.  Rudy still stands by him for his Razzball team but might have to leave this shitpie on the window sill a bit longer for it to cool.

Elijah Dukes – Like many a Bowden Fluffer before, ‘Put Up Your’ Dukes has been put back down on the DL with a calf strain.  The lesson – don’t expect good health from a 5-tool player with a Jewish first name.  Elijah Dukes, Milton Bradley, Shawn Green….

Joba Chamberlain – Okay, like the Real World kids at the Improv Olympics, I’m going to, like, free associate. Harrison Ford was put on ice by Jabba the Hut. Then he went on to play Dr. Jones. Now Joba’s off to see Dr. Freeze. Scuba! And… scene!

Adam Jones – Fractured foot. Like Wyclef almost sang, he’ll be gone ’til September. Jones was hitting pretty well too, so this is a tough… wait for it… Here it comes… Eh, now it’s too built up. It’s not that good anyway. Forget it… Aw, I’m just playing. Tough… break! Oofa!

Jody Gerut – I know this is gonna make me sound like a stunod, but I just picked up Gerut in an NL-Only league. In his last seven, 2 HRs and over .300. And, no, you don’t want him in a ten team league. Only for deep-sea fishing.

Jose Vidro – Put out to pasture. If the Expos were still around, I’d put five dollars down that Vidro would be hired as the Expos Spanish Language Announcer for their radio games. Assuming the Expos had a radio deal and that the French-Canadians spoke Spanish.

Livan Hernandez – Rockies claimed him. All I ask is you look at the comments here. Not only am I psychic, but I can predict the future. (Speaking of these charlatans (Word of the Day), if they were psychic, wouldn’t they only go into work when there was going to be customers? Your empty red velour couch gives you away, faker!)

David Ortiz – He’s hearing a click in his wrist. Sell, Mortimer!

Jason Isringhausen – It was good to see Izzy come into a three run game. I mean, anyone should be able to get a save in that situat–Brain Freeze!

Eddie Guardado – Got the save after Wilson came into the game in the eighth and gave up four earned runs. Um… Wilson’s headed to the Disgraceful List. I mean, there’s nothing official, but he’s headed there. Cust kayin’.

Placido Polanco/Jason Kubel – 2 HRs apiece. There’s nothing else to say about either of these two schmohawks.

Fernando Rodney/Joel Zumaya - Leyland officially removes Rodney from the role of closer and inserts Zumaya. *wipes hand, lights cigarette, whistles* Then Rodney throws three innings of no-hit baseball while K’ing 5. Meanwhile, Zumaya gives up 4 runs, three unearned, to blow the save and take the loss. Bad week to quit sniffing glue.

Chris Carpenter – 5 IP, 2 Ks, 0 ER. Solid start, but Ks are low. He gets the Cubs next. That will be when we find out if his fantasy baseball owners have coconuts or marbles.

Shane Victorino – 11th homer yesterday. Rios still has 8.

Mike Hampton – 7 IP, 2 ER and his first win since God knows when. If you think this is a sign to pick him up, get your head examined.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 5 ER. Take out the Liquid Paper cause we’re making corrections.

Alfonso Soriano – HR yesterday. I never have him on any team. Haven’t in a few years. I think I’m drafting Soriano next year. The more injury prone he is, the better. If you would’ve had… *pulls name from hat* Cody Ross while Soriano was down, your overall numbers would look pretty good right now.

Brandon Morrow – GM What’s His Face, “Okay, guys, we’ve made some seemingly intelligent decisions lately so that allows us the chance to slide a stupid move through. Any suggestions?” Yes Man, “Have the cable company charge extra money to watch Ichiro bat!” Yes Man 2, “Bring back Jose Guillen for Fan Appreciation Day.” Yes Man 3, “Curse at the elderly!” GM What’s His Face, “No, I need something just plain dopey.” In the back of the room, the Janitor pipes in, “Make the best reliever a starter.” “Well, it did work for the A’s…. And either way, we’ll still suck. Give that Janitor Sunday nights off!”

Cliff Lee – I figured since I hadn’t watched him in over two months, it was time to jinx him. I was so close in the 2nd when I got him to walk a few and load the bases. Alas, he pitched well in every other inning. Never fear, non-Cliff Lee owners, I will grab him like some friggin’ floating astronaut and drag him back to earth.

C.J. Wilson – Wilson says he’s feeling fatigued, maybe he got mono from a Kotchman open-mouth kiss. Either way, Eddie Guardado should be owned in all leagues because he would step in if C.J. pulls a Prince Valium.

Jason Bartlett – Won’t be able to throw a baseball for a few days, maybe Kotchman kissed his hand.

Kerry Wood – Word out of Wrigleyville is Wood can close again, but he’s going to get a bit of work in the middle innings then move into the closing role by the end of the week.

Gil Meche – Everyone mocked KC for signing him to that ridiculous contract but who’s dancing now.  That’s right.  Good ol’ Gil.  9 Ks in a 6 IP win against the Sox.  10-9 for an awful team – including 9-5 with a 3.27 ERA since May.

Ryan Zimmerman – Zimmerman says he should be able to avoid the DL with his bruised hand, so he can just clog up your bench instead.

Eric Chavez – Shut down for the year.  Maybe they could build a healthy 3B out of the spare parts of Chavez and Blalock?  Those A’s don’t have a long shelf life, do they?  Mulder, Hudson, Chavez, Byrnes… Who’d have thought Harden and Giambi would be the poster children of durability?

Jay Bruce – 3 HRs in 4 games.  That’s the Bruce we know and love.  He obviously idolized Griffey Jr. and was emulating the current version.  Now that he’s out of Cincy, he’s back to emulating the 90′s version.

Bronson Arroyo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  This on the heels of Zito besting Peavy yesterday.  Guess it’s premature for both to retire and start a rock trio with Slow Hand Pete called Baked Zito and the Republic of Bro-Yo, featuring Slow Hand Pete.

Roy Halladay – 8 IP, 1 ER. Queue the projector.  It’s time for another installment of Out of Contention Run For Cy Young in Toronto. (see Clemens, Hentgen, Halladay…)

Tyler Yates – Third of an inning, 5 ER. This works out to a 135 ERA, 15 WHIP and 1 less closer on all of my teams.

Manny Parra/Prince Fielder – Hit hard by the Reds, hit harder by Fielder in the dugout. I haven’t seen anything this lopsided since Andre took on this guy. “Stop talking about meat and I mean it!”

Billy Wagner – 2 MRIs in 2 weeks is 2 many; 2 bad; K.I.T, BFF. On a scale of worthy replacements, Aaron Heilman and Duaner Sanchez fall right between Shemp and Curly Joe. The Mets called up Eddie Kunz, their Double-A closer. This, fellas, is anyone’s ballgame for at least a few weeks, if not the rest of the season.

John Maine – Maine hit the 15-day DL. This is a move that’s probably about a month overdue. He should be back in a couple of weeks.

Manny Ramirez – 4-for-5, HR, 3 RBIs. Imagine you’re a waiter for Applebee’s. You slack off for two years, deciding customers can get their own mozzarella sticks from the kitchen. Then Applebee’s starts saying you haven’t been doing your job, which is absolutely true, but you don’t want to hear it. You quit and take a job at the Olive Garden, knowing if you work for two months then you will get a huge bonus in the winter and be able to go anywhere — Chili’s, Cheesecake Factory, you name it. So do you bust your hump at the Olive Garden or do you continue to slack?

Stephen Drew – Yesterday, 3-for-5 with a HR, and over .350 in last 7 games. So far not a “step forward” season, but he’s worth the gamble the rest of the way to see if he can get hot.

Xavier Nady – 4-for-5, HR and 6 RBIs. Let’s go back to the 7th day of the season, shall we? “Honestly, never thought I’d ever mention (Nady) on the blog, but he’s starting the season on fire. Could he keep it going? What, am I Ms. Cleo? I don’t know for sure, but history tells us no. This won’t continue. Know what you can’t do? Let him sit on the waiver wire. Don’t drop Carlos Lee for him, but every year some players come out of nowhere. Maybe this is Nady’s year.” You know what’s funny? (Not funny funny, just mildly interesting funny.) People are still asking me if they should pick up Nady. No love for the X-Man.

Fernando Rodney/Kyle Farnsworth/Joel Zumaya – Triumvirate, noun 1. a group of three closers that are making Todd Jones feel missed. 2. Sounds like it’s a Latin combination of triumphant and irate, but it’s not.

Mike Aviles – 4-for-4, HR. Check out his ESPN player photo. Talk about respect. For those who are interested in what he looks like, here’s Mike Aviles.

Mariano Rivera – Back spasms. Supposedly he’ll be okay. Jose Veras would’ve been who they turned to. Okay, save vultures, pick apart Veras’s bones.

Jose Guillen – Homered for the 2nd straight day and 3rd this week. Worth a pickup, just drop him when he realizes he’s stuck with the Royals until the end of the season.

Alfonso Soriano – The other day someone asked me for some names that could hit 15 HRs between now and end of season. In two months, this is a very difficult assignment (to hit 15 HRs, it’s not difficult to pick guys), the list looked like this (the order is their likelihood of getting to 15 HRs): Dunn, Soriano, Holliday, Burrell, Braun, Carlos Lee, Hamilton, Cust, Krispie and Vlad.

Andy LaRoche – HR yesterday. In leagues where you need to take some risks, I’d look at LaRoche. Then try and find anyone else, then look at LaRoche again, then take a steam, get a massage (you look stressed), get a bite to eat, play nine holes, then look over your 3rd base choices again and, if your choices are still limited, grab LaRoche.

Rafael Soriano – He’s done for the year. Back date this to April.

Chone Figgins – Another 4 hit game. Oh Figgy give him one more chance.

Joel Hanrahan – Picked up his first save since Rauch was traded. As I said when the trade went down, Rauch only had 17 saves in over half of a year, Hanrahan’s not netting 20 in two months. And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Jorge Campillo – 7 IP, 6 Ks, 0 ER. He replaced Harang on most of my deeper teams. Now I don’t care if I ever see Harang again. Okay, that’s mean. I wanna see Harang again, just not on any of my teams.

Shane Victorino – 10th HR as he threatens to run away with the HR crown in the Victorino vs. Rios battle.

Ryan Ludwick – I’m convinced LaRussa could make Austin Kearns an All-Star (while batting him ninth and the pitcher fourth).

Brett Myers – Only one walk in his last two starts. Definitely worth taking a look in deeper leagues. Maybe he’s taking a similar route to Wainwright last year when it took him half a year to shake being a closer the previous year. Or maybe Myers’s trip to the minors smacked some sense into him. Though it’s usually Myers smacking the minors.