Fantasy Baseball Advice

I drafted Corey Patterson late in my experts league and so far I gotta say, I’m more than pleased with the results. He just homered against McDung and if Patterson doesn’t go 15/30, I’ll be shocked. Sure he’s not going to hit for average, but you deal with that in other ways. Right now, Dusty’s benching him against lefties, and I’m more than happy with that, since he’s dreadful against them anyway. BTW, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Felix Pie – Reed Johnson is stealing at-bats. I don’t see it stopping soon.

Jonathan Sanchez – Dealing. Sure, it was against the Padres, but ya know what? The rest of the NL isn’t so great on hitting either.

Ryan Spilborghs – Towering home run. You know who was playing him in one league? Me. How did I know? Cause the Rockies were facing a lefty. Spillborghs hits lefties rock hard.

Yorvit Torreabla – I didn’t end up keeping him in my NL-only league, but he hit a bomber, as well. I did get a home run from my catcher, Brian McCann.

Mike Jacobs – I have him in TWO leagues, one for each home run yesterday. (But I had him benched in both leagues. Yahtzee!)

Burke Badenhop – He probably means nothing to you… yet. Listen up, he’s got filthy stuff. In my NL-only keeper league, I’m bidding $2. Fredi G. says he’s 70% sure Badenhop will start Sunday. Watch the Marlins on Sunday. Who ya gonna call… Maroone!

Jack Cust – 7 Ks to Mark Reynolds’s 10 Ks (Rudy Gamble and I have a little side wager. Anyone who wants in, be my guest.) (BTW, instead of saying, ‘Just sayin.’ Can we get people to start saying, “Cust kayin’?”) (Oh, and sorry for the double parenthetical, that’s just sloppy. Actually, this is the third. Ho’d! — for you dyslexics out there.)

Mark Ellis – He’s sitting on waivers in just about every league of mine. He went 4 for 5 and he has two homers. Cust kayin’.

Franklin Gutierrez – Wasn’t playing against the tough righty, Dustin Moseley, in favor of Jason Michaels. Ugh. Let’s re-evaluate on Monday.

Kelly Shoppach – For a second catcher, you could probably do worse.

Zach Greinke – He didn’t look good yesterday. He looked outstanding. Against the Yankees.

Albert Pujols – He lost one last week. Today he hit two. I have him in a league too. Cust Kayin’.

Frequent reader, Mike, alerted me that Rafael Soriano is experiencing pain in his throwing arm. This may be nothing, but it could very well be something. Peter Moylan is the backup to Soriano and should be picked up if you have room on your team. Moylan wasn’t going to close last because he had performed a bris two nights in a row, Manny Acosta was going to close. However, Moylan is the backup and man to get the saves if Soriano goes down.

1 game requirement leagues rejoice! Alex Rodriguez replaces Jeter and gets shortstop eligibility! Too bad it’s probably not going to happen. Girardi said it hasn’t even been discussed, no matter how alluring Ensberg would be at 3rd. Oh, well. We can dream, right? Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday:

Johnny Cueto – He left down 2-1 and he still looked as impressive. 8Ks against zero walks is the makings of a great pitcher. The Bill Hall homer was a no doubter, but the first run was all Adam Dunce’s fault.

Jimmy Rollins – Left the game with an ankle injury, but he should be back in the lineup tomorrow.

Jair Jurrgens – He didn’t look bad considering Kelly Johnson’s got the range of a one-legged turtle.

Oliver Perez – Dude looks good. 18 wins and 200Ks? Looking like it could happen.

Matt Garza – Headed to the DL. He’s got some kind of radial nerve damage. If you have him, I’d grab someone, maybe…

Brian “The Brain” Bannister – He looked unhittable when facing Arod. Against everyone else? Hittable.

Mark Reynolds – I’m fingercuffed and it feels so… eh.

Joey Gathright – Absolutely no one’s team should be lagging badly in steals if Gathright is sitting on your waivers.

Dice-K – Well, I don’t have him on any team, but he looked as good as last year’s advertisement.

Detroit Tigers – The city is a slum that should be condemned; the team looks worse.

Yorvit Torrealba – Doesn’t look good.

Justin Speier – Hafner just made Shields the interim closer.

Miguel Tejada – I told you he’d be pissed off that people were mentioning ‘roids and his name.

Joey Votto – Yesterday, Dusty said this, “You know Votto’s going to have more power and productivity, but, right now, Hatteberg is a better hitter.” Then he plays Votto and he goes 2-for-3. The eff I know what’s going in Dusty’s mind.

Eugenio Velez – This guy’s like Chone Figgins’s faster brother. He tried to turn a single up the middle into a double, deciding very late to stay at first, then he stole second, then he ran to third and was thrown out. He’s like a black Forrest Gump. Tim Flannery, the Giants third base coach, needs a sign that reads, “Velez, stop!”

Jake Westbrook – Pitched another good game. You never know where a career year might come from.

He looks like a skinny Craig Wilson or an un-curly-haired Eric Byrnes. He’s got no one batting around him unless you count six schmohawks, a pitcher and the X-Man. Is Nate McLouth worth a pickup? Weirdly, yes. He is. Will he continue this? Well, my partner (not in a gay way) Rudy Gamble definitely thinks so. So I watched McLouth play against the Cubs and, not surprisingly, Rudy’s right. McLouth’s locked in right now and deserves a pickup. Weird, right? Unfortunately, he’s probably not available for you to pickup. Oh, yeah, and K-Rod’s injured. Okay, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Francisco Rodriguez – Seems to have injured his ankle. Justin Speier or Scot Shields? I think they turn to Shields because he’s been there longer. A loyalty thing. They might go with Speier. A who’s-better-right-now thing. Where I was able to, I picked up both until this shakes out. Where I wasn’t able to, I went with Shields.

Howie Kendrick – Left with a thumb injury, but it doesn’t appear serious since he stayed in for a few innings after injuring it.

Joe Borowski – Seriously? How is he still the closer? They don’t have one guy better than him. They have two. Borowski isn’t fit to pitch the seventh inning of blowouts. (BTW, after he blew the save by allowing a walk-off grand slam, they played that crappy American Idol song, “Bad Day.” Classic.

Joey Votto – Dusty put in Javier Valentin to pinch hit instead of Votto. Does this mean anything to you? It should.

Brad Lidge – Edwin Encarncion came close to proving Brantley wrong again and hitting another clutch home run. But it turned into a fairly unremarkable long out except, when Encarncion hit the ball to the warning track, Lidge dropped his head like he had just learned his wife left him for his sister. Seriously, Lidge might cry by the end of the year. Not great for a closer.

Felipe Lopez – Played left field. Well, I guess Acta forgave him for sleeping with his wife and threw him in the lineup. Does his value go up with outfield eligibility? No, not really. But if Felipe is starting coupled with his MI eligibility from last year, he’s worth a looksee. This doesn’t mean he’s starting every day yet. It’s at a wait-and-see right now.

Bartolo Colon – Not sure if anyone out there in AL-only leagues was waiting for him to return, but he just landed on the minor league DL with a strained oblique. Whatevs. You got bigger fish to fry with your team if you were waiting for Bart Colon.

Chris Snyder – Dropped to the eighth spot. Well, that didn’t take long. Oh, well.

Carlos Ruiz – He is killing me, cause in the preseason I named Ruiz to the All-Grey-Talks-About Team. There’s nothing worse than grabbing a player and holding onto him out of spite no matter all the signs saying drop him. It’s still early, but soon I might ask you to punt this puta.

Adrian Gonzalez – I sure hope he keeps up his torrid hitting. Unfortunately, he started really hot last year, as well. I’m beginning to think I might say A-Gone in a trade in June.

Brad Thompson – I bid $3 on him in my NL-only league. Just sayin’.

Matt Cain – That was the Padres! I wish I didn’t have to say I told you to stay away from the CainCum combo, but I did.

Wilson Betemit – Played short, replacing Jeter when he left the game with an injury. If Pretty Boy hits the DL and Betemit fills in, I think he’s an immediate grab in AL-only and a looksee in mixed.

Jose Valverde – He’s not a safe reliever. If I had a dollar for every time he burned me, I’d have three or four dollars. That’s all I’m saying right now.

Franklin Gutierrez – I’m worried; he’s pressing. Hopefully it doesn’t last too long or FraGu (<—-forced nickname) may find himself in the nine hole.

Mark Reynolds – I fingercuffed myself with him. (Fingercuffing — in relation to fantasy baseball — is when you have him on a regular team and also on your Fantasy Razzball team, which rewards sucking and striking out and overall crappiness.) Anyway, each home run and strikeout simultaneously pulls me in two separate emotional directions. Hence, fingercuffing.)

Nick Blackburn – He looked good again. And, to be honest, I still don’t know what to make of him. I don’t think he’s as good as he looked, but if you’re in a deep league and need pitching, you gotta take a flier, right?

Tom Gorzelanny – FYI, I dropped him in the one league I was in. Sure, it was only a ten team mixed league, but, well, now you know.

Ronnie Paulino – He’s not even starting against lefties now? Ugh. Good news for Doumit owners, bad news for Paulino owners (as if there are any). And, because I know the comments are coming, yes, I would drop Ruiz for Doumit if you can grab him.

Juan Pierre – Matt Kemp is being benched for him — for the third straight game! The Pierre Situation will have more victims than victors.

Tom Glavine – My hand that holds how crappy the Rockies were is lower than my hand that is holding how good Glavine was.

Rich Harden – He’s headed to the DL. Seriously, why bother?

The first week of fantasy baseball is in the books. More than likely you have at least one team that absolutely sucks. Started the year looking like Beth from The Real World, pre- and post-plastic surgery. I know I do. Well, the fantasy baseball season’s not over yet. Miguel Cabrera’s not going to end the season hitting under .150. So let’s cull some stuff so we can mull some stuff, shall we?

Xavier Nady – Honestly, never thought I’d ever mention him on the blog, but he’s starting the season on fire. Could he keep it going? What, am I Ms. Cleo? I don’t know for sure, but history tells us no. This won’t continue. Know what you can’t do? Let him sit on the waiver wire. Don’t drop Carlos Lee for him, but every year some players come out of nowhere. Maybe this is Nady’s year. I know when I grabbed Beltre after he hit four homers in the first week of ’04, leaguemates laughed at me (I believe Rudy Gamble is included in the list). Yeah, I won that league. You just never know some times. Chad Qualls is swell and all, but you can drop him and take a flier on Nady. He could be this year’s Carlos Pena.

Jason Kendall – He is a .300 hitter. The problem is he has the power of a twelve-year-old girl. Continue to ignore.

Derrek Lee – I pointed out four months ago, “Post-All-Star break in ’07, he hit 16 of his 22 homers. Watch this trend continue into ‘08.”  I don’t think this is going to stop.

Frank Thomas – He could lead the league in homers. I say he falls twenty short. There’s a reason the warranty expires after 100,000 miles.

Yunel Escobar – He’s doing everything right. There’s no reason why he can’t be a young Renteria. (That’s actually not a knock, even if it sounds like one.)

Jayson Nix – Atrocious is being kind for how he’s looked at the plate. Iceberg right ahead!

Manny Ramirez – All them Sons of Sam Horn were slapping fives high saying, “Manny’s back,” after the four RBI March 25th game. Well, he’ll still be okay, but Don’t Believe the SOSH Hype Machine.

Jake Peavy – I told you he was as good as Santana and his division’s hitting is Triple AAAish.

Edinson Volquez and Johnny Cueto – Their weeks won’t always be as good as this one, but they obviously have the stuff. Let’s hope the league doesn’t catch up to them too fast. I’ll probably tell you to trade them in June, but we have time before we have that travail.

Brian Bannister – Not sure he could strikeout Mark Reynolds, but the Royals aren’t a 100 lose team anymore. He’s not going to be exciting, unless 15 wins with a 3.75 ERA excites you. There’s a place for that.

Every Superstar that went 3 for 25 and knocked in 1 run – They’ll get better or, at least, we have to give them a chance to get better. Call off the firing squad for now.

Ben Sheets – Maybe I didn’t say this aloud to all of youse, but the guy can easily win the Cy Young. Health is the issue. His talent is fo realz.

Justin Germano – He pitches half of his games in Petco. If you can’t see there’s NL-only value in that, I can’t help you. In mixed leagues, I’m watching him very closely. Weirder things have happened than a Padres pitcher being good in Petco.

Kason Gabbard - Not interested. I’ll let someone else grab this schmohawk.

Trevor Hoffman – He is old, but he’d have to sexually harass Bud Black’s wife to be removed as the closer.

James Shields – I told you he was a better draft choice than Kazmir. I see no reason why he can’t give you top twenty starter worth.

David Murphy – Doesn’t know how to take a walk and very light hitting. Eh, this was just a good start.

Krispie Young – He has power and speed and he’s currently batting .217. Of course he is. That’s how Krispie do.

Justin Verlander – Um, he’s not starting the year off too well. It’s still early.

Kyle Lohse – He’s 29. Don’t think he suddenly turned the corner into Worthwhile-ville. Twins don’t trade away good pitching prospects; they acquire them.

Joakim Soria – He could save 40 games.

Brandon Lyon – He may not save another game this season.

Mark Lowe – Way to run with the job, dude!

Okay, let’s hear some people you’re giddy about even if you know their pace can’t maintain, but you sure hope it does.