Shane Victorino – The Flying Hawaiian is now the The Benched Fourth Phillie Outfielder™. Heffin’ hey, take Jenkins out of the lineup! Werth has looked the part of starter thus far, but Jenkins? Can I have “Has-Been Players” for one hundred? He is to Milwaukee what Luis Gonzalez is to Arizona. Who is Geoff Jenkins, Alex? Anyway, Victorino’s got too much to offer to be a bench player, he’ll be back in there. Werth’s a six hole hitter (which Jenkins is too) and Victorino’s a one or a two. It’ll all work itself out. Say Victorino doesn’t start for two weeks then he gets what? Four and a half more months to play. He can still get to 15/40. He only played in 131 games last year and he got 12/37. Patience is key.

Chase Utley – I misspoke when I said Chipper’s going to be the Player of the Month. I hope Phillies fans don’t throw any batteries at me now.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Looks like he just needed some razzing to get going. Actually, he hit the home run off Jamie Moyer, who I believe is a grandpappy, so we probably shouldn’t start giving ourselves a reacharound just yet.

Jon Herrera – The new Rockies 2nd basemen as Barmes takes over for Tulowitzki. Herrera’s minors numbers look, well, minor. By ‘minor,’ I mean don’t even bother picking him up.

Jonthan Sanchez – I like him, don’t get me wrong, but his K/BB ratio is not good. He’s liable to have some tough starts ahead.

Austin Kearns – Some how he ropes me every year. I will never tout him again. Please remind me if I ever forget this. Besides never performing well something else that bothers the popcorn out of me — he never seems to care. I officially hate Austin Kearns. Somebody should start austinkearnssucks.com. I have my hands full.

Conor Jackson – Another home run; he can get to 20.

Nick Blackburn – Twins always seem to farm usable pitchers, some times great ones. Blackburn seems usable, not great.

Carlos Quentin – Seven home runs and counting. How about you give me your login and I pick up Quentin for you?

Nick Johnson – Okay, this is uncanny. Nick Johnson after a 3-for-3 game — Nick Johnson after an 0-for-4 game.

Mark Grant – Who? The retired pitcher/Padres announcer. Why? Cuz he’s got a stalker.

Felipe Lopez – Belliard hasn’t had an official at-bat since April 20th.

Travis Hafner – Hafnot wasn’t even starting against Washburn. The same Washburn who Hafnot has lifetime’s numbers of .400/3/7 in 20 at-bats.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu is 9 for 20 on the homestand.

Russell Martin – Home run, but more importantly getting rest from catching by playing third base. He probably won’t get position eligibility at third in most leagues and it doesn’t really matter. You want him at catcher anyway.

Micah Ownings – He hit a pinch hit home run! But I didn’t see because they like everything big in Texas, including commercials.

Randy Johnson – Just a bumpy beginning in what was an otherwise decent start.

Xavier Nady – I told you in the first three days of the season to just pick him up. Nady finished April with 26 RBIs while batting .337. I’d say unload him for someone more trustworthy, but I can’t imagine anyone’s actually buying into this.

Alexis Rios – As member of Da Razzpound pointed out yesterday, he’s been leading off, which would hurt his RBIs. But it’s not going to stay that way. He’s the Jays best hitter. You don’t bat your best hitter leadoff then Rolen third. I mean, this isn’t the Red Sox or Yanks lineup we’re talking about, the Jay aren’t that deep to be batting Rios leadoff. Again, patience.

Dustin McGowan – He’s not out of the woods yet, but getting into the eighth with only one walk is a great thing, know why? Cause now he has some value for you to trade him.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Another guy that had a good start, that I’m not going to get behind. (Frankly, I have a hard time getting behind any American League pitchers, especially ones in the AL East. But I digress.) You can trade him and still be a Son of Sam Horn, they don’t check your teams for Sawx, do they?

Josh Hamilton – Weird how smack and crack are used for both the sound the bat makes when hitting the ball and for drugs.

Brian Bannister – He got smoked by Josh Hamilton.

Derrick Turnbow – Six runs in two-thirds of inning is the kind of middle reliever hit that really hurts. It was a bad situation with the game out of hand. He shouldn’t been in there, and hopefully you didn’t have him in there.

Wladimir Balentien – Rudy just picked him up in one league. Hey, ya’ll, Rudy knows what he’s doing. At the age of 24 in Triple A, Balentien’s numbers were 77/24/84/.291/15. Look at those numbers again. You’re welcome.

Adam Lind – This is who I added in a deep league. Numbers, please… .378 career OBP in almost 1400 at-bats minor league at-bats. Last year he received almost 300 at-bats from the Jays and hit 11 home runs with a putrid OBP. The fact that the Jays called him up already and have been starting him tells me they are committed. He’s, as they say, a flier. I kinda like Balentien better, but I thought I’d spread the Razzball love.

Casey Kotchman – His average isn’t as much a fluke as you might think. He still won’t hit 30 home runs.

Jeff Clement – Eligibility count: 1 game at catcher.

Dioner Navarro – He got 2 RBIs; Salty didn’t play.

Chad Billingsley – I liked him coming into the season. Still do. A pitcher with his stuff, in his division, in his park, it’s almost not fair.

John Smoltz – He says he will come back as a reliever at least initially. I say, he’s not going back to starting. This also takes the shine off of Acosta and Rafael Soriano. Smoltz will get the bulk of the saves.

Max Scherzer – In his relief appearance, Jobacum left without a stain. Now he’s getting the start over Edgar Gonzalez on Monday for his first major league start. Too bad he’s not on the Rangers, then there could’ve been a battery of Jobacum-Salty. For next Monday’s start, I guess we’ll have to settle for Jobacum discharging the Phillies.

Ian Stewart – He might be called up because the Rockies are dealing with Tulowitzki’s injury. Ian Stewart could easily slide into the lineup and be an immediate Rookie of the Year candidate. He’s that good. Someone else that is that good?

Andy LaRoche – I have my doubts about Torre playing him over Nomar when he’s healthy. But worrying about whether someone will start over Nomar if Nomar’s healthy is like worrying if Kim Kardashian will still love you after you sleep with her. How about you cross that vagina bridge when you come to it?

In other news:

Smoltz might go to the bullpen. I’m only reporting this because I told you to sell him less than twelve hours ago. If he moves to the bullpen, I think he can succeed in the closer role again. Member how Myers became a closer last year and it worked okay? Smoltz can actually be very valuable in the bullpen.

Max Scherzer -There was a lot to cover last night and I figured I had just devoted a post to him so there wasn’t more needed, but I underestimated my constituents in the comments section. In his 7 K relief performance, he looked like Linecum and Joba’s love child. He will now be known as Jobacum. You’re welcome.

What would Peter Frampton say about this? Wawaaaaa…Weee…Wah.

Johnny Cueto – Um, yeah… Well, he did retire César Izturis once. Okay, he was rocked. By the Cardinals. Badly. But he’s not the first rookie pitcher to get hit hard. Last year, Lincecum and Gallardo both had their hiccups (or vomitings, depending on your POV). He’s a rookie pitcher and these things have to be weathered or get out of the rookie pitcher game. Will Cueto continue to get rocked? Let’s hope not, but he’s a rookie. He did tweak something in his leg last time out, so maybe that was the issue. Let’s hope so. He still has a tremendous K/BB ratio. You can’t drop him to waivers yet as much as you might want to.

Derrek Lee – I said in January, “In the 2nd half last year, he finally regained his power that was so badly missing after his wrist injury. Post-All-Star break in ’07, he hit 16 of his 22 homers. Watch this trend continue into ‘08.” And that’s me quoting me! Can he hit 45 home runs? Doubtful, but 35 seems more than doable.

Joe Borowski – He’s playing toss, which is to say he’s throwing as hard as he can. Oofa! Yeah, he’s still a few weeks away from pressing Betancourt and even then, I’m skeptical he can be an effective closer. Although…

Rafael Betancourt – Was a shook one. Beltre (who had three walks in a game for the first time since 2004!) hit a bomb. Betancourt’s still fine. For now. Stay posted.

Ben Sheets – Six times in his career he’s walked five or more batters. Tonight he walked seven. I’m guessing he’s hiding an injury. I know, big surprise.

Alfonso Soriano – He’s coming back from the DL on Thursday and will immediately go into the leadoff spot. I’d field offers to see what I could get because, as always, before the injured player returns he has the most value. I wouldn’t trade him for a chicken fetus and toast, but, ya know, send out feelers.

Jonathan Broxton – Looks to be headed to the DL. This actually hurts me more than Smoltz because I have Broxton on a lot of teams. It was described as an injury simliar to Rich Harden’s. *sticking my head in the oven*

Troy Tulowitzki – Ugh. He left the game with an apparent leg injury. Hopefully it’s nothing to serious because he hasn’t even started to hit yet. The last thing his owners (me on a lot of teams) need is for him to be sidelined and never get on track. Baker was supposed to start last night. *turning on the oven*

Chad Cordero – Going back to the DL. Maybe Nomar and Blalock can work him into their carpool schedule. Kids gotta go to school!

Troy Glaus – I know it’s not a sexy pick, but, as I keep saying, he can help you.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – This guy is laying a major turd baby in every single at-bat. Honestly, I thought last year’s 1st half slump was simply a rookie adjusting and his 2nd half numbers were a sign that he would come out fast this year. Well, this article I wrote way back in December was a joke, but seems eerily prescient (Word of the Day, bitches!).

Joel Pinero, Carlos Silva and Josh Fogg – Combined for like 80 innings of 2 run baseball yesterday with like a .00001 WHIP. Why won’t my pitching suck?!

Ryan Zimmerman – Hit his first home run since April 2nd. I’m still not a fan, but this might lead to a hot streak. Those Zimmerfans out there better hope so.

Jose Guillen – If picking up Guillen off waivers causes you to have an erection for longer than four hours, you need to see a doctor, but I told you last week he was a good buy low. Is he exciting? No, but he’ll get some home runs.

Chipper Jones – Player of the month. I’d still trade him tomorrow for the right offer. In fact, I suggest you start trying to trade him. He won’t stay healthy for 150 games like he wants to. His value will never be higher than it will be today.

Mike Cameron – Returned and was placed right into the two hole. He went 3-for-5 with two runs and two RBIs. I felt like Tejada was a great pick this year because he wanted to prove to people that he was clean and under 35. By that twisted logic, Cameron could also be in for a good year. If you won’t pick him up because he cheated, grab JR Towles — he went to Jesus Camp.

Eugenio Velez – Heffin hey, he’s fast. If you need steals, here you go. Still not sure if he can get on base with any regularity.

Mike Napoli – Now at six home runs. Does it really matter if he’s not playing every day? That was rhetorical.

Dan Haren – I didn’t end up with him on any team, but I loved him coming into the season. As I said in the beginning of the season, any concern about his 2nd half stats should be assuaged (Word of The Day) by the move to the NL.

Jon Garland – I’d say he could be a giant bust this year, but I think you need to have positive expectations for that to happen. No one really bought into Garland, did they? Except for The Orange County Angels, of course.

Frank Thomas – He got a triple? I was watching Thing 2 get the boot from Flavor of Love and missed it, but… wow. Did anyone see this? Did Vlad’s leg finally fall off when he was going after the ball? Did the Angels pull their outfield for Frank’s at-bat? I’ve seen The Big Limp barely make it to first legging out a walk; I can’t believe he got a triple. I’d like to see some video evidence of this. BTW, Thomas has value if you need some pop in your utility.

Carlos Quentin – Now with six home runs. If you still have Sheffield on your team while Quentin languishes on waivers, I’m blocking your IP. Expose yourself!

Franklin Gutierrez – Not an exciting 2-for-4, but The Big FraGu still got it. You should take gambles on fifth outfielders. He’s one I’d consider.

Mike Mussina – If he’s on your team, you’re just not trying hard enough. Laffey looked better taking the loss and that’s not praise for either pitcher.

Albert Pujols – He’s batting .382 with five home runs and 20 RBIs. Cust kayin’.

Edwin Encarnacion – Hit in 17 of the last 18 games. I think he might finally be up to 51% owned in ESPN leagues.

Brandon Wood – He was recalled by the Angels and then made to watch from the bench. I don’t understand either.

Daniel Cabrera – Member that corner he turned last week? Yeah, he just turned another corner back to crap.

Hank Blalock – He was placed on the DL? How could it be? That makes no sense. I thought he was already on the DL. Okay, you want to carpool to work because it will save you two hours a day because you’ll be able to drive in the HOV lane. But Hank Blalock and Nomar are the carpool captains for your neighborhood and will be driving you every third week. Do you drive with them or sit in traffic an extra two hours every day? Trick question.  You sell your house and move.

Jorge Posada – Going into the season, Posada looked like one of the bigger possible busts (not including Billy Butler’s moobs) because of his unsustainable average from last year, and now he hits the DL for the first time in his career at the ripe age of 36. I think he might be out for the season because he’s going to see Dr. Julie Andrews, the doctor that puts careers on hold for years at a time. Even if Posada doesn’t need season-ending surgery, you don’t need him. Some catchers I’d look at:  Doumit, Navarro, Saltalamacchia, Snyder, Suzuki — really depends on needs, but that’s the order I’d grab those catchers if value was all you were concerned in.

Mike Cameron – Krispie Young Sr. aka Mr. 20/20/.250 is due back on Tuesday. He shouldn’t be on waivers in any competitive league.

Dave Bush – To paraphrase Lupe Fiasco — Kick, Bush. Kick, Bush. He was sent to the minors to make room for Krispie Young Sr. The Brewers make smart personnel decisions.

Manny Parra – After yesterday’s start (and the last three starts), I could’ve understood him getting the demotion, but I’m glad he didn’t. Meanwhile, he doesn’t look right with very little command of his pitches.

Paul Konerko – As I mentioned the other day, he was dropped in one of my ‘pert leagues last week. Yesterday he hit two home runs. See, we all make mistakes. I still see 35 home runs from Paulie.

Carlos Delgado – Also hit two home runs on Sunday. I’d still leave him for dead. Or trade him.

Gary Sheffield – He just doesn’t look right and the longer you hold onto him the less you’ll ever get for him. At this point, he may be nothing but a throw-in player in a deal.

Brandon Phillips – Hit two runs, as well. I’m still selling.

Justin Verlander – Last year was supposed to be the year after he logged too many innings and got roughed up. Maybe it’s coming a year later? Just like you had to wait out CC, you can’t trade Verlander where is value is at right now.

Edinson Volquez – aka Edison aka Julio Reyes was unhittable against the Ain’ts because either his stuff was filthy or he was extremely wild. Know what, still got the job done. For those savvy owners out there, I’d field offers for Edinson to see what kind of offensive player you could get.

Alexis Rios – Still not regretting having him on four teams.

Troy Glaus – Hit his first home run of the season. As I said a few days ago, everything is telling me no, but Glaus looks fine. Not saying he’s going to hit 40 home runs with a .290 average, but if you can handle .250 for 30 home runs, I think he could get there.

John Lannan – As the French say, he’s a poseur. (The French might not say that, but whatever. Ain’t like you’re quoting me when you’re out on the town with your lady friend.) I don’t buy his starts at all. Play him if you want, but unless he sold his soul to the devil in the offseason, he can’t keep up this numbers.

James Shields – Loved him coming into the year, even going as far as ranking him in my top twenty pitchers overall. Through six starts he has a 2.34 and I’m still buying.

C.C. Sabathia – Of course he’s okay. And so is Big Papi and so is Robinson Cano and so Ryan Howard and so is Prince Fielder and so is any major league starter who is slumping that has proven he’s better than how he is performing right now. As exciting it would be for a proven vet to completely tank (and CC is more or less a tank), it’s not going to happen.

Moises Alou – He might consider peeing on his ankle. He’s going for an MRI, possibly a slight fracture of the ankle.

Jimmy Rollins – Seems his broken ankle was more hyperbole from the world wide web than actual truth. He took batting practice on Saturday.

Jayson Nix – Was sent down. Cut him in all leagues. He won’t be back for a while, if ever.

Blake DeWitt – Nomar’s on the DL. In other news, water is wet.

Carlos Gomez – He homered yesterday, but I don’t think that’s an indication of great things on the horizon. As I said two weeks ago, a guy who tries to bunt with two strikes to get on base is not really someone you want to invest too heavily in. Picture this: Guy buys a Ferrari, but can’t afford gas.

Francisco Liriano – I told you to trade him two weeks ago. He has no value now.

Johnny Cueto – I began writing a strongly-worded letter to Dusty Baker when he let Cueto bat in the fifth inning, but Cueto surprised me and made short work of the Astros in the sixth and seventh inning. I feel like Cueto’s my little brother and I have to defend him, but he really only made a few mistakes in this entire game and half of them were to Berkman, who is on fire right now.

Corey Patterson – Was good to see him get the start against a righty (it’s bad that it’s not a given). Then Dusty pulled him for Freel when he was about to face a different righty. Oh, Dusty, you do have your way, huh? Corey made a baserunning mistake prior to getting yanked; he’s now probably further in the doghouse. He better give Jayson Nix a call for some moral support.

Brian “The Brain” McCann – He was the only top catcher I liked coming into this season for his value versus ADP. Hasn’t disappointed thus far, not to mention his slide into third for his triple was like a Triple Lindy gone bad.

Dustin McGowan – Seven walks. Sixteen on the season. Like when a girl calls you after a first date and says, “I had a really good time tonight.” Too much, too soon.

Jayson Werth – Four home runs and a .300 average. When The Flying Hawaiian returns, Jenkins isn’t going to play a whole lot.

Donnie Murphy – 2 home runs yesterday. Still nothing to see here.

Cliff Lee – For those wondering where this is coming from, he did finish fourth in the Cy Young voting in 2005 when he won 18 games and posted a sub-4.00 ERA. Though the strikeouts to this point are high. If you can move him for Wainwright or Maine, I would.

Miguel Olivo – I thought the lack of Miguel Cabrera post-home run hugs and booty slaps might affect Olivo adversely, but he’s hit three home runs in ten games.

Rafael Betancourt – In case you forgot because he hadn’t recorded a save yet, he is the closer.

Melky Cabrera – 4 home runs and counting.

Adam Melhouse – Injured his right hand. Whoopie-dee-doo, right? If he goes down, Salty comes back. Come again? You need a catcher, right? JARROD SALTALAMACCHIA might get the call-up. (I kinda hope he doesn’t cause his name is a nightmare to spell.)

Mike Napoli – 5 home runs and counting. Does it really matter if he’s not starting every game?

Chad Billingsley – I’m going to try a little experiment. Before the game starts, I’m writing this *****GUESS ALERT: Billingsley’s going to strikeout a lot because the D-Backs are swing-happy, he’ll walk a few cause that’s what he do, and he’ll still lose.***** Okay, I’m back. Wow, I did pretty well. And so did Chad, 12 Ks and only two walks. Very nice, but he still gave up five runs. I have no idea how he pulled that off because I had to watch Survivor. SPOILER ALERT: I can’t believe Jason, James and Erik didn’t try something. They made me embarrassed to be a man (as if it’s not embarrassing enough watching Survivor). James needs to stop talking about Eve and the stupid apple and start playing the game. And when did they develop Natalie’s character? Um, never. She was completely out of left field. You need to plant the seeds that someone is an -ocker short of a rocker. Okay, Survivor rant over. Sorry.

Nomar Garciaparra – He’s batting third. The Dodgers’ offense called and they said they wanted Mike Piazza back. They’d even take ’07 Piazza. (BTW, You know that twitchy shizz Nomar does before he gets into the box? You think he does that before he gets into Mia’s box? If Mia were to let him.

Matt Diaz – (using my big boy voice) Another home run! (using my little boy voice) Against a lefty.

Matt Stairs – Staying with the Matt theme, he can hit 25 home runs.

Alexis Rios – Two days off with the flu. *writing on pink construction paper* Get well soon, Alexis! (Hopefully he wasn’t kissing Casey “I Had the Kissing Disease for Two Years” Kotchman.)

Edwin Encarnacion – Supposedly he’s only owned in 50% of ESPN leagues. So if I can infer something from that, 50% of ESPN’ers draft their team then abandon them. Another reason why you shouldn’t join a random ESPN league. Maybe ESPN shouldn’t be broadcasting these things. Then again they have given Chris Berman a platform for 30 years, so they’ve obviously made some missteps.

Manny Corpas – Looks like Fuentes will be closing a game by this time next week. I don’t think this is the last we’ve seen of Corpas, but he needs to get away from the closer job for a little bit, maybe spend some time with his family, volunteer at the local nursing home and remember why he started playing this game in the first place, or whatever closers do when they lose their job. He’s a righty and will be in the mix again soon. Remember before you drop him, there’s still over five months left of the season.

Alberto Callaspo – Ye of a .348 average in 23 at-bats was about to get the start because of Grudzielanek’s back soreness, but the game was rained out. Maybe Callaspo can get someone to Tony Harding Grud’s knee.

Carlos Quentin – Hit another home run. Sure, it was off a tired Moose, but whatever, that shizz counts too.

Josh Hamilton – Has 21 RBIs. I’m admittedly a fan, but before we start giving each other reach arounds, we have to remember he’s a bit of health risk.

Daniel Cabrera – Pitched a solid game. Most impressive thing, zero walks. Then again, he was facing the Mariners.

Krispie Young – 0-for-5 with four Ks. You have to expect this if you have him on a team.

Troy Glaus – He’s looked surprisingly okay. Still wouldn’t touch him. (BTW, LaRussa has now pinch hit Wainwright in two straight games. Looks like someone’s hitting the hooch again. Take away his keys, Duncan.)

John Lannan – Is this guy for real? His minor league numbers say he’s only starting in the majors because he’s on the Nationals. In three minor league seasons, he had 229 Ks to 127 walks in 326 innings. That, folks, are pretty bad numbers. So is he for real? I wouldn’t start him against the Cubs for his next start.

Jerry Hairston – He keeps hitting like he did yesterday, Corey Patterson might be on the bench for a while. Dusty, I thought you liked Corey… Wha’ happen? (Oh, and for the first comment, “Grey, should I pick up Hairston?” No, I would not.)

Manny Parra – If you’re looking at a 2.20 WHIP and asking how he only gave up only three runs, let me explain. He was lucky he only gave up 3 runs. Duncan hit a liner to Fielder to get him out of the fifth. That liner would’ve easily scored one more run and who knows what that would’ve led to. Manny hasn’t looked in command of his pitches for a couple starts now.

Eric Gagne – I’m far from a Gagne-apologist, but the blown save shouldn’t have been blown. Weeks threw a ball in the dirt and Fielder couldn’t get his big veggie mitts on it so the tying run scored — costing Parra the win.

Casey Kotchman – Hit his fifth homer. I’ve liked Kotchman for two years while he battled the world’s most drawn out case of mono and, of course, the year I don’t have him on one team, he’s doing well. Here’s hoping he catches a common cold and he’s bedridden for four years because of it.

Edinson Volquez – Or should I say Edison or perhaps Julio Reyes (Volquez has gone through three names in his short career.) He looked decent, if not a little wild. If we can get a game like last night from him seven out of ten times, gonna have to take it.

Juan Pierre – The ironic thing (not ironic ironic, but more ironic like “…rain on your wedding day” ironic… Well, now that I think about it, this actually might really be ironic, not Alanis ironic. Anyway…) Juan Pierre is just as bad as Andruw Jones, only a completely different type of bad. What a mess. (BTW, sample Dodgers’ clubhouse conversation — Torre, “Cashman, I got Nomar batting third. I need some free agent bats!”  Cashman replies, “I’m no longer your GM.”  Torre, “Fine! I’ll call George.”)

Adam Dunn – Went deep. Could have five home runs by this time next week. Don’t sleep on Dunn! (Actually you could sleep on him because he’s big and fat and kinda looks like a walking curly-haired mattress. He’s country comfortable!)

Brandon Phillips – Someone I thought would not be good this year so far has lived up down to expectations. But he did homer last night. (BTW, don’t you love strikethroughs, they’re soooooo snarky! It’s also snarky when you put six ohs on the word “so.” Or soooooo I’ve heard. Actually that so doesn’t make sense to have six ohs. Soooooo Taguchi.)

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu went 3 for 5 with 3 runs and 3 RBIs. But, then again, everyone got a hit in this game, except for Pronk. What the eff, Project-Donkey?

C.C. Sabathia – The news of his demise was prematurely reported (or whatever that pithy thing is people say.)

Miguel Tejada – I thought The Player Formerly Aged 31 would be great this year. He’s playing even better than I thought he would be.

Joey Votto – If I could go back and change my ROY prediction, I’d pick Votto. He’ll go through slumps, like anyone, but he looks like a home run-hitting Billy Butler.

Matt Holliday – When he’s swinging the bat, it looks like he’s thinking this, “Of course I’m going to hit a double. Might even be a home run.”

Jayson Nix – To make himself feel better about being benched for Barmes, he checks into the Colorado Marriott and calls Corey Patterson and Rich Aurilla to find out if they get to listen to their iPod during the game. When Nix finds out they do not, he silently fist pumps.

Troy Tulowitzski – Had the night off, probably to clear his head. This is a great buying opportunity. Find the Tulo owner in your league and trade for him.

Manny Corpas – I have Fuentes on a few teams. Cust kayin’.

Ronny Cedeno – I had him active for that grand slam yesterday… on my Razzball team. I was grand slammed. Oh, and I got a home run from Geoff Blum. Yes, the Geoff Blum that you thought retired two years ago.

Gil Meche – Looks like he let Karabell’s praise go to his head.

Andruw Jones – He was batting eighth. If you have him, unfurl your contingency plans — stat.

Corey Patterson – He went into a slide, now he’s not even playing against righties. Not good, friend. Not good at all.

Xavier Nady – Now batting .347 with 17 RBIs. I told you three weeks ago, you never know where hot streaks are going to come from or for how long they’re going to last. Cust kayin’.

Matt Murton – He was called up and benched. Hope he enjoyed sex with Piniella’s wife or whatever it was that put him in the perennial doghouse.

Matt Diaz – He’s sitting against righties again. This could continue indefinitely. It’s much worse than Kelly Johnson sitting against lefties because of the sheer number of righty pitchers.

John Maine – Looked good. Think he can get much better.

Tim Hudson – Don’t take this wrong way, I like him, but he didn’t look that good yesterday. Lots of balls hit hard.

Calos Villanueva – Other than some early inning wildness, he looked decent. Would’ve liked to have seen more Ks, but still a good start.

Mark Reynolds – Why anyone is throwing him fastballs is behind me, but he went deep again. Fingercuffing sucks.

Armando Galarraga – All he does is win! I wouldn’t pick him up. If you can not look good pitching 5 1/3 innings of scoreless baseball, he did it.

Eugenio Velez – On every other team, he’d be in the minors or a pinch runner.

Joba Chamberlain – Hank Steinbrenner said only “an idiot” would keep Joba as a setup man. Cashman and Girardi said they’re idiots then. Good to see no matter what Stein is behind the wheel, same nonsense.

Adam Wainwright – If I were the type to boost my preseason predictions after three weeks, I would boost his.

Michael Bourn – He already has 13 steals. Could he get 70 steals? Yup. In December of ’07, I said to draft Bourn not only because of the steals, but “…Baseball America pointed out (Bourn) as having the “Best Strike Zone Discipline.” Okay, not exactly Best Newcomer at the AVN Awards, but strike zone discipline is not a bad thing to have for a leadoff man. I’m talking to you, Granderson.” And that’s me quoting me.

Frank Thomas – Hater Bell pointed out how Karabell was a part-mental patient, part-Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer when he called Frank Thomas a big 2008 sleeper. Yeah, it didn’t make any sense in March and still doesn’t, but whatever he’s ESPN’s top analyst, ya’ll.

Mark Lowe – I hope you’re not even bothering with this mess anymore. Putz should be back this Tuesday. Don’t bother with the fill-ins.

Rafael Soriano – He still can’t throw without pain. I think he might be out a month at least. Plan accordingly.

Chipper Jones – I should’ve had WebMd sponsor today’s post. Of course he’s hurt. The guy gets hurt on a base on balls. You know that though.

Edwin Encarnacion – (His last name’s spelling is bothering me. Second “a” or no second “a.” If anyone can get a message to Edwin and ask him, mucho gracias en advancemiento.) Hit two home runs on Sunday. I have him on a lot of teams. I hope this is the beginnings of a hot streak.

Carlos Ruiz – Or as he will now be known, Chuck Ruiz. As in chuck him to the waiver wire. Go Doumit, Mathis, Napoli, etc. It’s three weeks; Chuck Ruiz is being abandoned on my teams. He’ll be on the waiver wire, we can go back later if he starts to hit.

Adam Dunn – If anyone’s worried he’s going to hit under .200 for the season, I’d trade for him in a second.

Scott Baker – Going into the season, I pointed out to all of youse in 143.2 innings his K/BB was 102/29. So far this year, it’s 20/4. That’s really good.

Jonathan Sanchez – He strikes people out and in his next start he gets the Reds in SF. Yeah, he should be on your team for at least Friday’s start.

Eric Gagne – Fatty-No-Roids got hit. He was used four straight days, so it’s not anymore of a harbinger than the whole injury-prone thing. The Brewers really, really want him to succeed, so know that as Riske sits on your staff.

Chase Utley – My pick for NL MVP is looking good thus far. Not many of my other picks look so great. BTW, if you haven’t entered that contest yet, there’s still time.

Jair Jurrjens – I’m assuming after all of the times I’ve mentioned Jurrjens, you’ve already picked him up. If you haven’t, you should. Even when he lost this year, he looked good.

Milton Bradley – He hit a home run off Wakefield today. Whatever, just yesterday he was sitting with a sore knee.

Paul Konerko – He was actually dropped in one of my ‘pert leagues. I don’t understand that. It’s still very early in the season. I’m going to try and get him off of waivers, but since all the other ‘perts read this, I probably won’t get him. So why say anything? If you have him, bench him, but don’t drop him. It’s still early.

Edinson Volquez – As I mentioned earlier in regards to umps, Volquez was getting squeezed so much he should press sexual harassment charges (sorry, that sounds like something an ESPN announcer would say). Let’s just say, Volquez didn’t walk in one run by walking Ted Lilly. He struck him out and the ump didn’t call it. He did not walk four batters. Maybe two. (Quick aside, I have a conspiracy theory. I think because MLB had to crack down on steroids, which will hurt offense — and offense puts asses into the seats — MLB had to do something to ‘enhance’ the offense. What did they do? They told the umps to shrink their strike zone. I have no proof of this and if you were to hear someone saying this in a bar, you’d probably roll your eyes and walk away. But I digress.)

Joey Votto – I know Dusty gets no love in the United States of The Blogosphere, but he’s playing Votto.

Pat Burrell – Burl, not Bur-rell, went to college with my girlfriend and slept with one of her friends. That will never get old! (Unless, of course, I find out her ‘friend’ was her, then I might vomit. And breakup with her. While vomiting. Anyway…) Burrell will hit 35 home runs, but I’d try and trade him, except in leagues that count OBP.

Joe Crede – “You can put it on the booooard… YES!” Harrelson’s a doucebag. Oh, and send my regards to Josh Fields.

Franklin Gutierrez – And you thought you’d never have to hear about him again. He turned on a Verlander fastball and sent it down the line for a double. Two days ago, two steals. Today, two hits. Cust kayin’.

Justin Verlander – Rudy’s pick for Cy Young doesn’t look so good. (My pick’s on the DL, sweet!) If it wasn’t for Peralta grounding into a double play with the bases loaded in the first inning, Verlander’s line would look much worse. Verlander was the one AL pitcher in the first tier, I actually considered drafted (I didn’t, but I considered it). Well, I’m sure some pundit is breaking down how Verlander’s curve has flattened because the tilt of his elbow has changed from 42° to 48°. Well, whatever, brainiac. I would not trade for him or trade him away (same with Sabathia). Unfortunately, you need to take a wait and see approach.

Fausto Carmona – I also don’t have him on any team, but he’s continuing what he started last year. Low Ks, okay WHIP, keeping his team in it for a win. He also got his control back after his last start, which is a good sign. Maybe last time out it was too much Cristal after signing that big contract.

Prince Fielder – Gathering all his strength from his inner veggie burger, he went deep. Take that meat lover’s! BTW, I see 45 homers more on the way.

Eric Gagne – I inexplicably left him off this week’s closer look. Probably because he looked good last week. He’s still a ticking bomb. A big, ex-steroid-taking, ticking bomb.

Ryan Zimmerman – I avoided him like the plague in drafts and I wish I could assuage (Word of the Day, May 23rd, 1999) your fears, but I can’t. I don’t see him having a good season. Someone might. I would trade him.

Carlos Quentin – Maybe it’s his good eye, but I love Carlos Quentin, have for a long time. If I wasn’t soooo busy with the Alex Gordon Fan Club, I’d totally start a Quentin one. Anyhoo, he’s getting his at-bats. I would grab him if you had room. Oh, and start the blog GreyLovesQuentin.com, I’ll guest post, if you’ll have me.

Nick Markakis – Three homers, four steals. To start a fire, you need a sparkakis!

Bobby Jenks – I’m no more worried about him today than I was yesterday. Which is to say, I have Dotel on one team.

Jake Peavy and Jeff Francis – Both pitched extremely well. I think I could throw quality start in Petco.

John Lannan - Before you get any ideas, he had 16 Ks in over 45 innings up until tonight. Blip on the radar.

Melky Cabrera – Considering I took him with the 283rd pick in my ‘pert league, I’d say I’m getting value. Are you?

Jose Reyes – He loves to go on tears. Hold on, it’ll be a fun ride.

Josh Hamilton – It’s boring always being right, but I have him on a few teams too. I’m just hoping he doesn’t succumb to the allure of crack in May. Just Say No! (Or get injured.)

Rafael Furcal – 4 for 4 with a home run. He’s been looking like a great bounce back candidate since February. If someone in your league doesn’t know it, they do now.

A.J. Burnett – Yes, that was him in the 14th inning. Good idea to throw the injury-prone guy out there.

Jason Botts – I’d love to see him get some starts. Might be a good platoon mate when the Rangers are playing lefties at home. Cust kayin’.

Hank Blalock – (Lots of  Rangers news, right?) He’s day-to-day with a sore back. That means a 15-day DL stint that turns to 60-day then he gets mono from Casey Kotchman.

Jason Isringhausen – Struggled to get the save. He’d have to be injured to lose the job. Trade for him.

Jose Valverde – Later today you’ll be getting a closer report, let’s just say Brocail was picked up by me in three leagues last night. Valverde was NOT good before last year.

Carlos Gomez – If you have Miguel Cabrera at third and Helton at first and really need steals, here you are.

Carl Crawford – I believe he gets to 25 home runs this year.

Josh Fogg – What a Razztastic that start was. I jumped down 6 points in the standings. (Farkin’ Mark Redman messed up my perfect day.) Unfortunately, with the shizz Fogg threw up there, Homer Bailey (who’s been outstanding in the minors) might be getting the call soon. I know, that’s not unfortunate for a lot of you.

C.C. Sabathia – Okay, this is purely conjecture, and I welcome others thoughts on this, but ‘member how he threw something like 657 innings last year including the playoffs? I know his velocity has been fine, could there be some residual tiredness thing going on? Not sure, but feel free to CC me your thoughts.

Alfonso Soriano – Was hurt catching the ball. He didn’t look good at all being helped off the field. Maybe Murton time? I picked up Murton in one NL-Only league, just in case.

Michael Bourn – All he does is steal bases. No, seriously, that’s all he does. Is it me or are there more all-speed, nothing else guys now than ever? Bourn, Gomez, Gathright, Taveras, Pierre, a third of the Giants lineup, etc. It’s a renaissance for speed guys. It’s like someone cracked down on power-enhancing drugs or something. Weird!

Andruw Jones – I said this about three months ago, but he seriously may be retired within three years. He’s lazy, ya’ll.

Erik Bedard – Hits the DL. Yeah, and doodie smells.

Jose Valverde – He was not a reliable closer before last year. Don’t forget about Brocail.

Jair Jurrgens – He walked Willingham on a questionable pitch (who stole his second base of the day!) then Jacobs got a clean double to score one run. Then Willingham inexplicably hit a triple later in the game. Jurrgens looks great so far. I hope people are paying attention. BTW, April 17th is Benihana Thursdays in Marlins Stadium! (I can’t even imagine what this is, but it sounds wonderful. Maybe Alfredo Amezaga flips shrimp tails into his shirt pocket?)

Shawn Chacon – I’m sure glad I have him on my Razzball team. Ugh. Maybe Pineiro can throw a shutout later in the week.

Mark Teixeira – He’s starting slow. Yeah, and doodie still smells.

Derrek Lee – He’s headed for a big year.

Chad Qualls – Might be slowly working his way into the closer role.

Aaron Hill – Could be very valuable to balance out your fifth outfielder who only steals.

Aaron Harang – I know it’s a little consolation because I have him on a few teams too, but the wind was blowing out big time in Wrigley.

Joey Votto – I’m getting the sneaky suspicion that Dusty might actually play him regularly.

Krispie Young – 13 hits, five of which are home runs, with 18 strikeouts for a .228 average. Cust kayin’.

Evan Longoria – He looks really solid. I still don’t think you should sell your dead nana’s jewelry to acquire him.  Remember Braun’s ’07 was the exception not the rule. Longoria hit a fastball in the seats. Off speed pitches are usually the bump in the rookie ride.

Nick Markakis – He has four steals already. If he gets to 30 homers (which he should eventually), you’re gonna wish you had him.

Carlos Gomez – In your box score it shows a K in the first inning. He struckout trying to bunt with two strikes. You’re thinking, “Well, that shows how committed he was to moving the guy over.” Dude, he was leading off the game! I really don’t think you want CarGo on your team right now. He doesn’t know what’s coming or going with pitch selection.

Alexis Rios – Sweet stroke meet Sherrill’s fastball.

Pat Neshek – I love middle men, there I said it. But when they’re struggling — ugh. I dropped Neshek for Dotel in one league I had him.

Zach Greinke – He should’ve got out of the third without giving up any runs. Did he crawl into a ball and start weeping? No. He handled it very well. He’s passed the mental health check so far. Unfortunately, he’s not striking out men like he should be. Am I worried? His ERA went up after giving up only one run in 9 innings. Of course, I’m not worried.

Adam Jones – He looked really solid. I still wouldn’t touch him.

Rafael Betancourt – It’s got to be a matter of time. Borowski cannot get people out. How long can the Indians let a guy who you wouldn’t trust in the seventh inning keep getting the ball in the ninth? I don’t think very long. If you have Borowski without Betancourt on your team, I would try and get Betancourt in a trade quick-fast.

Nick Markakis – I’ve been walking around my house screaming, “I am Markakis! No, I am Markakis!” for the last two weeks trying to spur him on to greatness. (My girlfriend has been thrilled.) Finally, he went yard. I hope this is the sparkakis he needs to go on a hot streak. He’s a notorious slow starter so if he can start hot this year, we could be in for a nice ride.

Francisco Liriano – Ah, the aforementioned Liriano. As I said on Friday, you should’ve traded him on Saturday.

Alex Gordon – I hope he reaches the 20/20 season I predicted because I have him in just about every league except for my NL-only ones (and don’t think I didn’t try and sneak him through).

Cliff Lee – I think he’s on Rudy’s list of players who should be Asian given their name. Anyway, pitched a great game against the woeful A’s. He has the Twins, Royals and Mariners up next. Two out of three on the woeful scale isn’t bad.

Jon Rauch – He’s great for K, Whip and ERA help so I wouldn’t drop him just because Cordero is back. (Because, frankly, I don’t know how long Cordero is going to be back.)

Joe Crede – Do I think Crede finishes the season with 184 homers and 377 RBIs? Maybe not, but he could hit three more homers this week then reverts to the Crede we know and hate. I’d pick him up until he reverts if you have room. You gotta ride hot streaks.

Wandy Rodriguez – I played the Wandy start at home/sit on the road game last year. It worked out well for me.

Burke Badenhop – I watched him play before I put in my claim. Saying he’s a poor man’s Derek Lowe, is an insult to poor men everywhere.

Shane Victorino – While I didn’t get him in any leagues this year, because he ended up going much higher than I would’ve paid for him, I still love The Flying Hawaiian™ and I hope he gets well soon. Meantime, put him on your DL. I hope Victorino doesn’t prove to be injury-prone his entire career because he’s beginning to seem that way.

Javier Vazquez – Man, the ’08 Tigers and ’27 Yankees comparisons ended real quick.

Franklin Gutierrez – No idea if he’ll ever get a chance to play again regularly after starting so slow, but if he does, I might go back for more pain. He’s talented and is only 25. As of right now, I’m done with anyone who regularly gets benched for Jason Michaels.

Johnny Cueto – Well, we all knew there would be some speed bumps, but Jason Bay? C’mon, your farkin’ initials are JC. Honestly, he walked one guy and had some balls up in the strike zone. I’ll take my chances if every pitcher on my staff gives up one walk against six strikeouts in six innings.

Felix Pie – Reed Johnson is stealing at-bats. I don’t see it stopping soon.

Jonathan Sanchez – Dealing. Sure, it was against the Padres, but ya know what? The rest of the NL isn’t so great on hitting either.

Ryan Spilborghs – Towering home run. You know who was playing him in one league? Me. How did I know? Cause the Rockies were facing a lefty. Spillborghs hits lefties rock hard.

Yorvit Torreabla – I didn’t end up keeping him in my NL-only league, but he hit a bomber, as well. I did get a home run from my catcher, Brian McCann.

Mike Jacobs – I have him in TWO leagues, one for each home run yesterday. (But I had him benched in both leagues. Yahtzee!)

Burke Badenhop – He probably means nothing to you… yet. Listen up, he’s got filthy stuff. In my NL-only keeper league, I’m bidding $2. Fredi G. says he’s 70% sure Badenhop will start Sunday. Watch the Marlins on Sunday. Who ya gonna call… Maroone!

Jack Cust – 7 Ks to Mark Reynolds’s 10 Ks (Rudy Gamble and I have a little side wager. Anyone who wants in, be my guest.) (BTW, instead of saying, ‘Just sayin.’ Can we get people to start saying, “Cust kayin’?”) (Oh, and sorry for the double parenthetical, that’s just sloppy. Actually, this is the third. Ho’d! — for you dyslexics out there.)

Mark Ellis – He’s sitting on waivers in just about every league of mine. He went 4 for 5 and he has two homers. Cust kayin’.

Franklin Gutierrez – Wasn’t playing against the tough righty, Dustin Moseley, in favor of Jason Michaels. Ugh. Let’s re-evaluate on Monday.

Kelly Shoppach – For a second catcher, you could probably do worse.

Zach Greinke – He didn’t look good yesterday. He looked outstanding. Against the Yankees.

Albert Pujols – He lost one last week. Today he hit two. I have him in a league too. Cust Kayin’.

Johnny Cueto – He left down 2-1 and he still looked as impressive. 8Ks against zero walks is the makings of a great pitcher. The Bill Hall homer was a no doubter, but the first run was all Adam Dunce’s fault.

Jimmy Rollins – Left the game with an ankle injury, but he should be back in the lineup tomorrow.

Jair Jurrgens – He didn’t look bad considering Kelly Johnson’s got the range of a one-legged turtle.

Oliver Perez – Dude looks good. 18 wins and 200Ks? Looking like it could happen.

Matt Garza – Headed to the DL. He’s got some kind of radial nerve damage. If you have him, I’d grab someone, maybe…

Brian “The Brain” Bannister – He looked unhittable when facing Arod. Against everyone else? Hittable.

Mark Reynolds – I’m fingercuffed and it feels so… eh.

Joey Gathright – Absolutely no one’s team should be lagging badly in steals if Gathright is sitting on your waivers.

Dice-K – Well, I don’t have him on any team, but he looked as good as last year’s advertisement.

Detroit Tigers – The city is a slum that should be condemned; the team looks worse.

Yorvit Torrealba – Doesn’t look good.

Justin Speier – Hafner just made Shields the interim closer.

Miguel Tejada – I told you he’d be pissed off that people were mentioning ‘roids and his name.

Joey Votto – Yesterday, Dusty said this, “You know Votto’s going to have more power and productivity, but, right now, Hatteberg is a better hitter.” Then he plays Votto and he goes 2-for-3. The eff I know what’s going in Dusty’s mind.

Eugenio Velez – This guy’s like Chone Figgins’s faster brother. He tried to turn a single up the middle into a double, deciding very late to stay at first, then he stole second, then he ran to third and was thrown out. He’s like a black Forrest Gump. Tim Flannery, the Giants third base coach, needs a sign that reads, “Velez, stop!”

Jake Westbrook – Pitched another good game. You never know where a career year might come from.

Francisco Rodriguez – Seems to have injured his ankle. Justin Speier or Scot Shields? I think they turn to Shields because he’s been there longer. A loyalty thing. They might go with Speier. A who’s-better-right-now thing. Where I was able to, I picked up both until this shakes out. Where I wasn’t able to, I went with Shields.

Howie Kendrick – Left with a thumb injury, but it doesn’t appear serious since he stayed in for a few innings after injuring it.

Joe Borowski – Seriously? How is he still the closer? They don’t have one guy better than him. They have two. Borowski isn’t fit to pitch the seventh inning of blowouts. (BTW, after he blew the save by allowing a walk-off grand slam, they played that crappy American Idol song, “Bad Day.” Classic.

Joey Votto – Dusty put in Javier Valentin to pinch hit instead of Votto. Does this mean anything to you? It should.

Brad Lidge – Edwin Encarncion came close to proving Brantley wrong again and hitting another clutch home run. But it turned into a fairly unremarkable long out except, when Encarncion hit the ball to the warning track, Lidge dropped his head like he had just learned his wife left him for his sister. Seriously, Lidge might cry by the end of the year. Not great for a closer.

Felipe Lopez – Played left field. Well, I guess Acta forgave him for sleeping with his wife and threw him in the lineup. Does his value go up with outfield eligibility? No, not really. But if Felipe is starting coupled with his MI eligibility from last year, he’s worth a looksee. This doesn’t mean he’s starting every day yet. It’s at a wait-and-see right now.

Bartolo Colon – Not sure if anyone out there in AL-only leagues was waiting for him to return, but he just landed on the minor league DL with a strained oblique. Whatevs. You got bigger fish to fry with your team if you were waiting for Bart Colon.

Chris Snyder – Dropped to the eighth spot. Well, that didn’t take long. Oh, well.

Carlos Ruiz – He is killing me, cause in the preseason I named Ruiz to the All-Grey-Talks-About Team. There’s nothing worse than grabbing a player and holding onto him out of spite no matter all the signs saying drop him. It’s still early, but soon I might ask you to punt this puta.

Adrian Gonzalez – I sure hope he keeps up his torrid hitting. Unfortunately, he started really hot last year, as well. I’m beginning to think I might say A-Gone in a trade in June.

Brad Thompson – I bid $3 on him in my NL-only league. Just sayin’.

Matt Cain – That was the Padres! I wish I didn’t have to say I told you to stay away from the CainCum combo, but I did.

Wilson Betemit – Played short, replacing Jeter when he left the game with an injury. If Pretty Boy hits the DL and Betemit fills in, I think he’s an immediate grab in AL-only and a looksee in mixed.

Jose Valverde – He’s not a safe reliever. If I had a dollar for every time he burned me, I’d have three or four dollars. That’s all I’m saying right now.

Franklin Gutierrez – I’m worried; he’s pressing. Hopefully it doesn’t last too long or FraGu (<—-forced nickname) may find himself in the nine hole.

Mark Reynolds – I fingercuffed myself with him. (Fingercuffing — in relation to fantasy baseball — is when you have him on a regular team and also on your Fantasy Razzball team, which rewards sucking and striking out and overall crappiness.) Anyway, each home run and strikeout simultaneously pulls me in two separate emotional directions. Hence, fingercuffing.)

Nick Blackburn – He looked good again. And, to be honest, I still don’t know what to make of him. I don’t think he’s as good as he looked, but if you’re in a deep league and need pitching, you gotta take a flier, right?

Tom Gorzelanny – FYI, I dropped him in the one league I was in. Sure, it was only a ten team mixed league, but, well, now you know.

Ronnie Paulino – He’s not even starting against lefties now? Ugh. Good news for Doumit owners, bad news for Paulino owners (as if there are any). And, because I know the comments are coming, yes, I would drop Ruiz for Doumit if you can grab him.

Juan Pierre – Matt Kemp is being benched for him — for the third straight game! The Pierre Situation will have more victims than victors.

Tom Glavine – My hand that holds how crappy the Rockies were is lower than my hand that is holding how good Glavine was.

Rich Harden – He’s headed to the DL. Seriously, why bother?

Xavier Nady – Honestly, never thought I’d ever mention him on the blog, but he’s starting the season on fire. Could he keep it going? What, am I Ms. Cleo? I don’t know for sure, but history tells us no. This won’t continue. Know what you can’t do? Let him sit on the waiver wire. Don’t drop Carlos Lee for him, but every year some players come out of nowhere. Maybe this is Nady’s year. I know when I grabbed Beltre after he hit four homers in the first week of ’04, leaguemates laughed at me (I believe Rudy Gamble is included in the list). Yeah, I won that league. You just never know some times. Chad Qualls is swell and all, but you can drop him and take a flier on Nady. He could be this year’s Carlos Pena.

Jason Kendall – He is a .300 hitter. The problem is he has the power of a twelve-year-old girl. Continue to ignore.

Derrek Lee – I pointed out four months ago, “Post-All-Star break in ’07, he hit 16 of his 22 homers. Watch this trend continue into ‘08.”  I don’t think this is going to stop.

Frank Thomas – He could lead the league in homers. I say he falls twenty short. There’s a reason the warranty expires after 100,000 miles.

Yunel Escobar – He’s doing everything right. There’s no reason why he can’t be a young Renteria. (That’s actually not a knock, even if it sounds like one.)

Jayson Nix – Atrocious is being kind for how he’s looked at the plate. Iceberg right ahead!

Manny Ramirez – All them Sons of Sam Horn were slapping fives high saying, “Manny’s back,” after the four RBI March 25th game. Well, he’ll still be okay, but Don’t Believe the SOSH Hype Machine.

Jake Peavy – I told you he was as good as Santana and his division’s hitting is Triple AAAish.

Edinson Volquez and Johnny Cueto – Their weeks won’t always be as good as this one, but they obviously have the stuff. Let’s hope the league doesn’t catch up to them too fast. I’ll probably tell you to trade them in June, but we have time before we have that travail.

Brian Bannister – Not sure he could strikeout Mark Reynolds, but the Royals aren’t a 100 lose team anymore. He’s not going to be exciting, unless 15 wins with a 3.75 ERA excites you. There’s a place for that.

Every Superstar that went 3 for 25 and knocked in 1 run – They’ll get better or, at least, we have to give them a chance to get better. Call off the firing squad for now.

Ben Sheets – Maybe I didn’t say this aloud to all of youse, but the guy can easily win the Cy Young. Health is the issue. His talent is fo realz.

Justin Germano – He pitches half of his games in Petco. If you can’t see there’s NL-only value in that, I can’t help you. In mixed leagues, I’m watching him very closely. Weirder things have happened than a Padres pitcher being good in Petco.

Kason Gabbard - Not interested. I’ll let someone else grab this schmohawk.

Trevor Hoffman – He is old, but he’d have to sexually harass Bud Black’s wife to be removed as the closer.

James Shields – I told you he was a better draft choice than Kazmir. I see no reason why he can’t give you top twenty starter worth.

David Murphy – Doesn’t know how to take a walk and very light hitting. Eh, this was just a good start.

Krispie Young – He has power and speed and he’s currently batting .217. Of course he is. That’s how Krispie do.

Justin Verlander – Um, he’s not starting the year off too well. It’s still early.

Kyle Lohse – He’s 29. Don’t think he suddenly turned the corner into Worthwhile-ville. Twins don’t trade away good pitching prospects; they acquire them.

Joakim Soria – He could save 40 games.

Brandon Lyon – He may not save another game this season.

Mark Lowe – Way to run with the job, dude!

Okay, let’s hear some people you’re giddy about even if you know their pace can’t maintain, but you sure hope it does.

A few impressive things looking forward that can be gathered from Cueto’s start.  First, the home run did not faze him. Came right back and got the next three guys. Second, he has great command. 10 Ks against no walks. Are you heffin’ kidding me? Third, no one in the league is familiar with his stuff. This will stay great for a while. Don’t see adjustments until at least the All-Star Break.

The only drawback — Dusty Baker. Cueto should’ve been pulled from the game in the bottom of the sixth when his turn to bat came up (it also cost them a run because while Cueto was on third there was a wild pitch that just about anyone outside of Giambi would’ve scored on). Long term, Baker’s a major negative. He’s getting old and he wants to retire after winning a championship. If that means, throwing his pitchers for too many innings, then so be it. He’s thinking about the here and now, but for the near future, Cueto is the here and now.

Dan Uggla, Luis Gonzalez took Pedro Martinez deep. Beltran took an awful route to a ball for a Hanley triple to score an AA chip. In another at-bat, he made Uggla seem discriminating. Gary Cohen put it best, “Best thing Pedro did tonight was his at-bat.” But against VandenHurk, it’s a very small consolation. I’m not pleased. He should’ve dominated this team. There were lots of meatballs thrown by Pedro. He didn’t look in command of anything. He can no longer overpower people and… He left with an injury. Looked like a hamstring or a groin tweak. Didn’t look serious, but at his age, it could be. Word from Pedro, he heard a pop. That’s never a good thing. Or as Willie said, ” That’s not always good, but we’ll let it calm down and get an MRI.” Is there a time it is good? Jorge Sosa gets his next start for NL-only leagues, everyone else needs to wait and see. To be continued.

Must look at Angel Pagan in NL-only leagues. He’s no more than a reserve at this point. He’s got good speed, but nothing more than a fill-in for the Mets and probably shouldn’t be much more for you.

Posada hit into a double play to the right side of the infield. This will be a recurring theme.

Melky could put 5/5 numbers and his defense will keep him in the lineup. Fortunately, he will not put up those numbers. He will be a lot better. There was some comment chatter on this post about who will be better between Butler, McLouth, Ethier, Milledge and Gutierrez. Rudy added Melky into that group. Makes sense. I like them Butler, Gutierrez, Melky, Milledge, McLouth then Ethier. But Ethier placing last is a testament to the other guys and not that huge of a knock on Ethier. This group will be watched all year.

Both Halladay and Wang looked good, except no Ks. Probably the most boringest matchup that could take place. Was like watching paint dry. Paint that doesn’t strike anyone out. Really farkin’ boring paint. Oh, wait, there was something more boring-er.

The Cardinals hitting. Skip Schumaker? Cesar Izturis? Kyle Lohse batting 8th? Larussa has outdone himself this year.

I hate Kip Wells. How could he pitch so well and not so… er, Wells? Did he really strikeout Pujols?

Joba v. Rios — Rios BB. Joba’s the most exciting reliever since steroid-ed Gagne. Rios would’ve been a consensus 2nd round pick, if he played for the Yanks or Mets and not just on my list. People need to see him play.

Matt Kemp was out of the lineup in favor of Juan Pierre. The Pierre Situation is quickly becoming a nightmare that could ripple into the entire outfield, not just Andre Ethier. I’d much rather see Kemp than Ethier out there. Frankly, I’d prefer to see Andruw Jones sit.

If you’re looking to handcuff Jose Valverde, Doug Brocail has been declared the primary setup man, not Oscar Villarreal.

As much as Rich Aurilla should retire, the Giants should not be playing him.

Scott Hairston went deep and Bourn stole another base (but it was against Bard and Young, so dur, of course). Hairston’s someone who never got a fair shot in Arizona, but he’s got a good eye, posting over a .400 OBP in the minors.

Verlander was dealing. He easily could’ve gotten the win, if not for…

Alex Gordon. After ranking him extremely high in my top 100, I’ll be watching closely all year.

When Miguel Cabrera hit his homer, he sprinted down the first base line hoping to get a double, which is what he would have had in South Florida. He’s accustomed to the Dolphin Stadium. He’s in for a huge season. And that’s not a waistline crack.

If Gary Sheffield stays healthy, he’s in for a terrific season batting in that lineup. His hands are still quick and he takes walks.

Tigers Announcers, Rod Allen and Mario Impemba, suck.

Nationals Announcers, Don Sutton and Bob Carpenter, are worse. They inexplicably described Pedro Feliz as one of the most underrated players in the league.

Surprisingly, Don’s kid, Darin Sutton, is one of the best announcers.

Nick Markakis has a stolen base. Here comes 30/20. Outside of The Greek God of Roto, the Orioles will be painful to watch this year and I would stay away from all Orioles starters and relievers. Sherrill won’t even be worth it.

Victor Martinez was pulled from the game with a hamstring injury. Am I worried? No, because I didn’t draft V-Mart in any league. Should you be worried if you did draft him? Yup. Someone you might want to think about…

Chris Snyder was batting fifth. He’s looking like a great pickup if he lasts in that spot.

Torre put Posada Russell Martin in the sixth hole. Guess it’s a force of habit for him to bat a catcher sixth. This could be an issue for Martin’s value.

Mark Reynolds might strikeout 200 times this year.

No reason to think Jim Thome can’t hit 35 home runs if he stays healthy.

My better logic says it’s only one day, my gut is telling me Franklin Gutierrez is in for a great year. I already said this, “…Franklin Gutiérrez is 25 and about to get the right field job on one of the best offensive AL teams. Gutiérrez could go 70/20/80/.270/20 in the ninth hole.” Between Gutierrez and Lastings Milledge, I like Gutierrez better.

Johan Santana… Oh, man.

Eric Gagne… Oh, crap.

Kerry Wood… You knew that was coming. Carlos Marmol will be closing by May and end the season with more saves than Wood.

Carlos Zambrano, I’m not too concerned he was pulled because of the forearm cramp. Big Z could find a way to throw 120 pitches with a broken hand.

On one team, I had Pujols and Wainwright. Not thrilled I lost the home run, but I am thrilled there was a home run to lose. You should be too. Though I’m having a hard time seeing the positive in losing the Wainwright start.

Ian Snell will find a way to lose more games than he wins, but he’ll keep the games close. Always gives up a home run at some point.

I’m hoping Cox moves Matt Diaz up and Mark Kotsay down in the order against righties.

Michael Young hit a home run. That projects to 162 on the season. I’d say he falls short by about 150.

Yunel Escobar looked good. Quick wrists, knocking the ball to the opposite field.

Michael Bourn stole 2 bases. Granted, Ronnie Paulino could steal against Bard, but I told you to avoid drafting steals early and grab Bourn late. He might steal 50 this season.

I hate Tom Gordon.