Fantasy Baseball Advice

Every day that Justin Verlander starts, you know there’s a chance of a no-hitter.  You just expect it to be thrown by him and not another pitcher.  Guillermo Moscoso took a no-hitter into the 8th inning against the Royals and finished with 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks in 8 2/3 IP.  He now has 8 wins in 18 starts which is as many wins as Brett Anderson, Dallas Braden, and Rich Harden managed this year combined.  Everything about Moscoso’s year screams fluke.  His 3.63 ERA / 1.14 WHIP does not gel with 5 K/9 and 3 BB/9.  But as an owner of this guy in my AL-only league, all I can say is this guy has been money against bad to average teams.  He’s had 4 ugly starts – @BOS, @TAM, @DET, and home against TAM.  His home WHIP is now under 1.00 in over 60 innings.  His road WHIP is 1.44.  There’s not much time left this season but if he has a start against a bad-to-average team at home – I’d go-go for Moscoso.

In other news…

Jerome Williams – The Angels’ starter has won all 3 of his Angel starts with this past one by far the best – 8 IP with just one hit (a Trayvon Robinson HR) and a walk.  Nothing to see here.  Just a 30 year old journeyman who’s perhaps half a notch more tolerable than Tyler Chatwood.

Chase Utley - Pulled out of the game after being hit in the helmet.  The Phillies brass are concerned he might have a mild concussion but Charlie Manuel is confident it’s just a standard variety ‘noggin burner’ and he just needs to rub some ‘piss ‘n’ vinegar’ on it.

Matt Cain – 7 IP, 2 ER, loss.  Same old song.  He’s now 11-10 despite a 1.06 WHIP.  He’s a career 68-73 despite a career 1.19 WHIP.  He should retaliate against the offense – I suggest he takes a dump in the pine tar.  Just don’t lose your balance or you’ll end up with sticky buns and tempt Pablo Sandoval.

Aaron Harang – Beat the Giants with a 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunner, 3 K start.  He’s now 13-5 for a team that’ s 19 games under .500 (62-81).  He’s like Steve Carlton for the 1972 Phillies except he’s not lefty, not an above average pitcher (3.74 ERA/1.39 WHIP), and has never allegedly said that the world is ruled by 12 Jewish bankers meeting in Switzerland.

Ian Kinsler – 2 HRs to up his season total to 28 and tie for the team lead (with Nelson Cruz).  If it weren’t for the .245 AVG, he’d be in the conversation with Cano and Pedroia for most valuable fantasy 2B (.245/101/28/71/23).  Or as an incompetent announcer would phrase it, “You talk about second baseman who can hit…Ian Kinsler…”

Justin Verlander - Snagged win #22 but gave up 4 ERs thanks to 2 HR / 4 RBI by his kryptonite – Shelley Duncan.  Clearly Verlander can only effectively pitch to batters shorter than him and he’s just lucky that there aren’t a lot of 6’5″+ hitters.  The Yankee and Red Sox scouts should be out recruiting locked-out NBA players for playoff rosters.  If there’s one lesson to be learned from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, it’s that if the other guy is going to go tall, you’ve got to do the same.  If there is a second lesson to be learned from MMPR, it is that if you’re producing a show that has kid actors, it is best to hide their faces behind masks so you can swap in other actors when the original ones get too old or expensive.  Saved By The Bell would still be on if it was set in Milwaukee and each of the kids wore a different sausage costume.  (Kelly Kapowski – Polish sausage.  Slater – Chorizo.  Zach – Bratwurst.  No one qualified for Italian Sausage until the summer season with Stacey Carosi.)

Victor Martinez - Hit a 7th inning grand slam.  His .325 AVG and 89 RBIs are great for a catcher but that was only his 10th HR of the year.  And he’ll have only DH-eligibility next year.  V-Mart is going to be discounted like he’s Wal-Mart.  (Correction: As noted in the comments, V-Mart has 26 games at Catcher this year so should retain C-eligibility next year.)

Daniel Bard - The Sawx’ rumored closer in waiting ruined Tim Wakefield’s billionth chance of being one of the 13 worst pitchers with 200 career wins by posting a 5-spot thanks to a single, HBP, 3 BBs, and the next pitcher giving up a run-clearing double.  That said, aside from having only 2 wins, Bard has been everything a Mr. B could’ve hoped for (2.76 ERA, 0.86 WHIP, 66 Ks, 1 pity save).

Jacoby Ellsbury - 4 for 5 with a HR (#25), 3 RBIs, and 2 Runs.  5 more HRs away from 30-30.  And only 2 HRs and 44 SBs away from joining Rickey Henderson and Eric Davis in the illustrious 27-80 club.  (Oddly enough, both done in 1986 – Davis in 415 ABs!).

Manny Acosta – Got the save for the Mets as Parnell and Izzy threw 30+ pitches the night before and no one else in the bullpen had 299 saves.

Carlos Lee - Hit his 15th HR of the year – and his 3rd in the past 8 games.  Maybe El Caballo doesn’t need to be taken to the glue factory just yet.

Andrew McCutchen – The Dread Pirate HR’d twice against the Astros.  He’s now at 81/22/85 but only 20 SBs and .269.  Jeff Francoeur has 20 SBs.  Braun has more than 20 SBs.  Can’t the Pirates hire Omar Moreno to be his Davey Lopes?

Chris Carpenter - Shut out the Brewers on 4 hits, 2 BB, and 5 Ks.  He also allegedly yelled an expletive at Nyjer Morgan.  Maybe he just mispronounced his name.

Rafael Furcal – Another HR – his 4th in the last 8 games.  He had 4 in his first 63 games.  Even with the sudden power burst, wow do his stats look bad this year.  .215 AVG?  5 SBs?  When did Rafael Furcal turn into Rafael Belliard?

Roy Oswalt – The 2nd best Roy in Philly is looking close to his old magical self again with a 7 IP, 7 K, 2 ER effort vs. Atlanta.  I’m having a premonition – Oswalt pitches well through the regular season + 1st round of the playoffs, makes some bad throws in the championship series, says he’s going to retire to spend more time with his family and tractor in Mississippi, and then end up playing again in 2012, 2013, and 2014.  It’s just the Mississippi way.

Jemile Weeks – 4 for 5, now batting .303 with 22 doubles, 21 SBs, and 0 HRs.  Growing up, Jemile was always the fast one, Rickie was the strong one, and Nynind’haph was the seductive one.

Brett Pill - 2 games, 2 HRs, for the Giant rookie 1B who mashed in AAA the past two years while the Giants skipped over him to promote rookie tease sensation Brandon Belt.  Proof once again that when grabbing for the Belt, it’s better to be safe and take the Pill first.

Daniel Murphy and Juan Nicasio are both out for the year – an undeserving fate that would merely be humane for the Astros (note: the Astros can go .500 for the final 48 games and they’d still lose 101 games – on the bright side, they have a magic number of 4 to best the 1962 Mets).  Murphy tore his MCL making that two season-ending leg injuries for Met 1Bs (Ike Davis fractured his ankle).  Hopefully Keith Hernandez doesn’t get a hip flexor applying Just for Men on his moustache.  While Murphy has yet to show much power in the majors, a .320 average with 1B/2B/3B eligibility provided value in just about any league.  Murphy’s MCL tear was a scrape compared to Nicasio who fractured a vertebrae in his neck after taking an Ian Desmond comebacker on the cabeza.   He’s still being monitored for internal bleeding as I type but hopefully he has a healthy recovery.

On to more trivial, less cranial news…

Tim Lincecum - Snapped the Phillies’ 9 game winning streak (and an awful 1-8 stretch for the Giants) with a solid 7 2/3 IP, 8 baserunners, 1 ER, 5 K start.  Ryan Howard just missed splashing McCovey Cove by a couple feet on several occasions.  Those couple feet were between the ball and Howard’s flailing bat.

Roy Oswalt – Attention all catchers named Siegfried…the two Roys are together again in Philadelphia!  Oswalt’s first start off the DL was not very inspiring – 6 IP, 14 baserunners, 3 ER.  He’s a crafty enough pitcher to keep a respectable ERA despite mediocre stuff (5.3 K/9 this year) but he’s the 5th best starter on the Phillies right now after Vance Worley.  Consider him a matchup play in mixed leagues.

Jose Reyes - Stole 2 bases in Saturday’s game and left Sunday’s game early with a mild hamstring pull.  Probably going on the 15-day DL again.  He’s like George Costanza except he flies too close to the sun on wings of bad hammy instead of pastrami.

Michael Young - Got his 2,000th hit in the Rangers 5-3 win against Cleveland.  The Rangers congratulated him and gave him a plaque saying “Best 2B/SS/3B/DH Ranger Ever”.

Johnny Giavotella - Alcides Escobar is now the veteran of the Royals IF as rookie Giavotella is taking over for Chris Getz at 2nd base.  While he sounds more like a Real World/Road Rules Challenge participant than a ballplayer, he was hitting .338 with 9 HRs and 9 SBs in AAA this year.  In three games, Giavotella has 2 doubles, 1 HR, and 1 SB – which is about a month’s worth of power from Chris Getz (6 doubles, 0 HRs, 351 ABs).  Worthy of a pickup in all league formats if you need MI help.

Jason Kipnis – A slam and legs weekend after last weekend’s 2 HR weekend.  The Cab-n-Kip show is the best middle infield show in Cleveland since Alomar y Omar.

Brett Lawrie - Finishing off the rookie infielder block, Lawrie allegedly hit his first major league HR on Sunday against Alfredo Simon of the Orioles.  Alfredo Simon denies the allegations.

Ervin Santana - Won his 4th straight start, holding* the Mariners to 1 ER in 8 1/3 IP (* as opposed to the Mariners exploding for 3 runs).  And, unlike Jered Weaver, he’s managed not to throw at anyone’s head.

Todd Frazier – Deep goes Frazier!  The ex-Rutgers star and member of the Toms River (NJ) Little League World Championship squad hit his 3rd HR in the past 6 games.  He’s making the most out of injuries to Scott Rolen and Juan Francisco.  Hopefully Dusty doesn’t get too tempted to bench him for the veteran Miguel Cairo.

Ian Kennedy - Kennedy won his 6th straight start over the weekend even though he only struck out 3 batters in 7 IP (after averaging 7 Ks in his last 4 starts).  That’s 14 Wins now for Kennedy with two months left in the season.  Or 10 more wins than Phil Hughes and Joba Chamberlain have on the season if you’re a bitter Yankee fan.

Mark Reynolds – 2 solo HRs against the Blue Jays.  He’s now up to 26 HRs with a .222 AVG – 19 of those HRs coming after June 1st.  The way things are going this year, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the start of a 20+ game hitting streak.

Jorge Posada - It must be another Red Sox – Yankee series as Joe Girardi has demoted Jorge Posada again.  He’s now part-time DH against RHPs.  Luckily, Posada actually showed up to the game this time.  Meanwhile, Brian Sabean is having fantasies where he’s playing Patrick Dempsey in Loverboy with Jorge Posada in the role of an anchovy pizza-lovin’ MILF.

Mat Latos – Beat the reeling Pirates with a 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 K start.  He has 38 Ks and 10 BBs in his last 39 2/3 IP.  That’s at least 1.5 WAHP – Wins Against Hodgepadre.

Jake Peavy – An 8 inning win at Minnesota on Sunday, only giving up 3 hits.  It’s clear that a country boy like Peavy prefers the wide open fields of Minnesota or San Diego to the crammed urban spaces like they have in Chee-cago.

Alex Rios - 5-9 over the weekend with 2 doubles, a HR, and a SB.  Congrats to all of you last place teams who haven’t checked your rosters in the last 2 months as you’re the only ones that benefited from this Halley’s Cometesque outburst.

Prince Fielder – 3 for 4 with a HR, 4 Runs, and 2 RBIs against the Astros.  Now has 85 RBIs which is 2 more than he had all of last year in 177 more ABs.  Whomever follows him in Milwaukee will have tough shoes and extremely tough pants to fill.

Dan Uggla – The hitting streak is up to 28 games and he’s now hit 6 HRs in his last 9 games.  Uggla has always been streaky but this hitting streak is crazy given his penchant for K-ing and he had a .173 average while watching July 4th fireworks.  Some may argue regression or luck but here’s my theory.  A single father invested his life savings in a high-stakes fantasy baseball league.  Things looked bleak because he owned both Dan Uggla and Adam Dunn.  Shamed and despondent, he killed himself on July 4th and left his baby to Dan Uggla and Adam Dunn out of spite.  The two players fought over the baby until the ghost of Solomon appeared.  He suggested they cut the baby in half – with each player getting 50% of the baby.  Before even asking whether the suggested incision would be horizontal or vertical in nature, Uggla protested and Solomon awarded him the baby.  Dunn shrugged and walked off to take a glug from the local water tower.  Uggla sold the baby on the black market for three fetuses’ (fetii?) worth of stem cells then chowed them down like he was Bartolo Colon and the stem cells were either stem cells or Big Macs.  It’s just a theory.

It’s trade deadline time, a full baseball weekend, and Grey is at a crawfish festival asking ladies whether he has any chum in his moustache.  Anyway, the Indians spoiled the Yanks and Sawx plans by nabbing Ubaldo for a bunch of prospects including their top two pitching prospects (Drew Pomeranz and Alex White).  Moving to the AL Central is definitely better for Ubaldo’s stock than the AL East and you’d think moving a mile closer to sea level for home games would help in the long run.  I expect a good finish this year for him as ALers adjust to his stuff.

As for Pence, what a shocker that Philadelphia and Houston made a trade!  Ruben Amaro Jr. is like the jerk in a fantasy baseball keeper league who keeps tapping the same goober (Ed Wade) for advantageous trades.  The Phillies got Brad Lidge and Roy Oswalt the past two years and the Astros have Brett Wallace, JA Happ, and (had) Michael Bourn to show for it.  Time will tell whether the prospects in this trade are worth it but the change in scenery should definitely help Pence.  He hit 5th on Sunday which should give him some solid RBI opportunities behind Utley and Howard.  Plus, he can look forward to many Pence-sylvania puns!

In other news…

Erik Bedard - The Red Sox nixed a trade with Oakland for Rich Harden because of injury concerns and then ok’d a trade to Seattle for Erik Bedard.  When pressed on why they signed off on Bedard but not Harden, Red Sox doctors pointed out that Bedard’s right arm looked a lot healthier than Harden’s.  We’re disappointed they didn’t pull off both trades.  They could put Erich Bedarden as the probable starter and then start the healthy one.  Suffice it to say, going from Seattle to Boston should only help Bedard’s Wins, hurt his ERA/WHIP, and maim non-New Englanders’ eardrums during unsuccessful home starts (You sahck cahk Bedahd!).

Michael  Bourn - Traded to Atlanta for Jordan Schafer and the Atlanta B-prospect orchestra.  This was all news to him when he woke up today in the wrong part of Atlanta, not knowing how he got there.  Luckily he outran all his attackers until he was able to surmise his past role as a SAGNOF operative.

Rafael Furcal - Traded to the Cardinals.  McCourt offered to send a $10,000 check as well if the Cards could just wire him $5,000.  No real change in value for Furcal.  He’s barely startable when healthy and barely healthy when he starts.

Dee Gordon - With Furcal traded, the Dee Gordon era has arrived in LA.  Dodger fans, SAGNOF fans, and What’s Happening fans, rejoice!

Doug Fister - The Mariners traded Fister to a team (Tigers) where he might have a chance at the occasional win.  Fister has 3 wins and 12 losses (only 2nd in the AL to Jeremy Guthrie’s 13 losses) despite a 3.33 / 1.17 ERA/WHIP.  Fister’s lack of K’s (5.5 Ks) makes him only spot start worthy in shallow mixed leagues.  I just wish Seattle would’ve added catcher Adam Moore to the deal to preserve possibly the best pitcher-catcher battery of all-time (Fister-Moore).

Chris Davis - He’ll finally get his 3rd chance to prove he’s a major league hitter after getting traded with Tommy Hunter to Baltimore for Koji Uehara.  If he’s your best option at cornerman, my condolences.   I can see Chris Davis and Mark Reynolds becoming great friends, swapping tips on how to walk back to the dugout after striking out.

Brandon Allen - Man, just when Arizona started playing him, they trade him to the A’s for Brad Ziegler.  Allen is getting sent to AAA for now but I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets called up soon.

Paul Goldschmidt - With Allen out of town, the Diamondbacks plan to call him up to take over at 1B.  He’s shown great power and I’d give him a flier as a corner power option.  I predict he’ll surpass Jason Schmidt (7) and end up with the 2nd most career HRs for someone with Schmidt in their last name.

Mike Adams – Traded to the Rangers for two pitching prospects where he apologized to all owners who held onto him in mixed leagues hoping he’d inherit the Padres closer job when Heath Bell was traded.  He’s still worth owning as a middle reliever – especially as a handcuff if you own Feliz.

Ryan Ludwick - Traded to the Pirates.  His value moves from yaaawwwn to yawn.  Once Tabata comes back, this is going to mean a big drop in playing time for Garrett Jones.

Derrek Lee – Also traded to the Pirates.  He’s been hitting of late and is serviceable when on a hitting streak.   In related news, if your beer league softball team needs a 1B, Lyle Overbay is available.

Orlando Cabrera - Traded to the Giants as Sabean is looking for the right mix of Tejada’s over-the-hillness and Brandon Crawford’s weak bat.

Lance Berkman – Returned after a few days off to hit a 3-run HR on Sunday.  That’s 28 HRs in 308 ABs.  See Colby, that’s what happens when you listen to the Cardinals coaches.  Although, it should be said, that McGwire’s success with Berkman is largely because Lance pictures a Big Mac in place of McGwire’s face when getting batting tips.  If only the Astros had hired Mayor McCheese as batting coach…

Justin Verlander – Took a no-hitter into the 8th inning for the 3rd time this year, outdueling AL Cy Young front-runner Jered Weaver in a 3-2 win.  He’s now 15-5 with a 2.24 ERA, 0.87 WHIP, and 178 Ks in 181 IP.  Almost every award prediction I made this preseason looks awful except Verlander for Cy Young.  If only I drafted him on one of our teams.

Jered Weaver – Lost the duel against Verlander to ‘fall’ to 14-5 with a 1.88 ERA and 0.94 WHIP.  Worse yet, he got ejected for throwing one high and tight on pitch after Carlos Guillen took a few minutes to admire his HR.  While I can see why Weaver was mad, he needs to realize that might’ve been one of the only notable accomplishments for Guillen in like 4 years.  Let the man have his moment.

Domonic Brown – Sent down to AAA as the Phillies decided John Mayberry at least lets them put out an MVP outfield (Mayberry, Victorino, Pence).

Joe Saunders - Oh the joys of pitching in the NL West.  He’s followed up a complete game victory @SD with a 7.2 IP, 2 ER win against LA.  He’s got another start coming up against the Dodgers which makes him a pretty solid streaming candidate.

Jeremy Hellickson – The H-E-double hockey st-ickson is bringing the Devil back into the Rays.  He got his 10th win of the year albeit against the Mariners and with only 2 Ks in 7 IP.  At 10-7, Hellickson and Pineda are battling for top non-Roofie this year.

Brett Wallace / Chris Johnson – The ineffective corners of Houston were sent down to AAA.  This will finally give some playing time to top prospects…..oops, those are their top prospects.  That’s the bad karma you get when you play in the park formerly known as Enron Field.  Unlike Ed Wade, at least the Enron executives got to feel like the ‘Smartest Men in the Room’ for a little while.

Jason Bourgeois – Slam and legs with an extra side of legs for the upper class Astro.  With Michael Bourn and Hunter Pence gone, Bourgeois should get plenty of time to hit at the top of the lineup and steal bases.  Given the current state of the Astros lineup (Bourgeois hit 3rd on Sunday!), he better steal during his first 3 ABs because there may not be a 4th AB.

Emilio Bonifacio - His hitting streak was snapped at 26 games but he did hit a HR on Sunday.  Mr. Dimaggio, you dodged a bullet.  Mr. Bonds, hope you’re ready for some Boneface.

Johnny Cueto – Threw a 3-hit shutout against the new look Giants offense.  Why can’t Volquez take a sip of whatever Cueto is drinking (1.72 ERA / 0.98 WHIP)?

Coco Crisp – 3 SBs to tie his career high from last year at 32 SBs.  No wonder why Ice-T loves him so much.

Juan Nicasio - 7 IP, 1 ER and 10 Ks at San Diego – his first good road start this whole year.  I’d say he’s a great bet for K’s but he has only K’d more than 6 in one other start…..@COL against the Padres (9 Ks).  The R0ckies should rest him for a few weeks and then start him every game in their next series with San Diego.  Also, not for nothing, if his parents had gringo’d his name to John, he could have had the best 80′s keyboardist name of all time (Johnny Casio).

Roger Bernadina – In the midst of an 0-for-17 slump (or 8-for-50 if you want to go back further), the Nats sent him down to AAA.  For the love of SAGNOF, WTF?!  Ankiel owners should benefit the most from this although, if anyone owns Ankiel in a shallow mixed league, they probably checked out 3 months ago.  On Sunday, the Nats decided to start Brian Bixler in CF.  This is the Brian Bixler whose awful bat (.177/.237/.227 in 203 ABs) wasn’t good enough for Pittsburgh’s SS position (when they sucked).  This was the equivalent of Bixler taking a bat and hitting Bernadina in the balls – assuming Bixler would actually make contact.

Brandon McCarthy - Two straight wins for McCarthy after dispatching the Twins yesterday with a 9 K effort.  He’s doing his part to rid the McCarthy name of its embarrassing affiliation with Communist witch-hunts, vaccination witch-hunts, and falling for redheads from the wrong side of the tracks.  If you leave Brandon, don’t leave now!

Dustin Moseley - The NL Doug Fister (3-10 despite a 3.30 ERA) went on the 15 day DL with a bad shoulder on his non-pitching arm.  That’s weak.  Jim Abbott pitched just fine with a bad arm on his non-pitching shoulder.

So Grey lost his stache in a tragic sparkler related accident, but did manage to partially recover the remnants and is having them reattached as we speak, so I’m going to fill in for him on this sacred of holidays, July 5th.

If you have ever seen or heard of the NFL or smelled a jock strap at any point, then you might want to check out what is going down over on my side of the tracks. We’ve got all kinds of hootenannies and shin-digs about to be gettin up and gettin down, so don’t just hole up over here! Venture out into the world and stop by and and take a load off on the Razzball Football porch, there’ll be lightning bugs and we’ll be drinking rot gut out of a mason jar.

Now that the self promotion is over, read my invaluable thoughts on what happened in Major League Baseball yesterday:

Freddie Freeman: Freddie freed the ball from it’s oppressor, the stadium, twice to celebrate Independence Day. Grey’s pick for NL Rookie of the Year is on pace to be in the running. Those were his 10th and 11th homers so he’s on pace for 78 home runs, oh, let me go over those numbers again, make that, hmmm, so if they play 164 games he’d be on pace for 22 home runs, and if you lop off those 2 games in which he would probably have hit like 8 homers, that would put him on pace for 14.

Mark Reynolds: Mini Donkey hit 2 homers yesterday and just missed a third and is as hot as a donkey can be sans the Tijuanian hooker. Five donks in the last 3 games is ok if you are into that kind of thing.

Rajai Davis: Could the call up of Travis Snider have set a fire under Davis? Well, two games in and you’d have to say yes. And with that kind of sample size there’s no way you can go wrong! I had high hopes for him before the season started and my hopes continued to get lower and lower until they got lower than a slug’s belly, so he can’t really go anywhere but up and going 5 for 9 with 4 stolen bases in the last 2 games is up.

Troy Tulowitzki: He strained his quad and looks like he will be out a couple days. The last time I was at the quad it was to do a little hacky-sacking. Right now they are looking at a couple days rest, but you never know! Be afraid!! Or not, it’s just a game.

Travis Snider: He was called up and quickly hit 3 doubles. Three triples would have been more poetic, but hey, you take what you can get.  But be careful, this dude has a TCAP Stache.

Alex Presley: With Jose Tabata out, Alex has yet to leave the building and the with the way he is playing he may not. He is 12 for 33 since being called up with 6 RBIs and 2 stolen bases. Tabata should be back in a week-ish so don’t get too googly-eyed, but you two could have a magical week together! Send me a postcard.

Pablo Sandoval: The panda dog seems to have gotten his power back. He went 3 for 5 with a panda donk yesterday and has hit in 15 straight games and an extra-base hit in 9 games in a row. And if you find a picture of a panda dog wearing sandals give me a holler.

Emilio Bonafacio: Emily Facebone (rough translation) is sagnoffin like crazy. He has 6 stolen bases in the last 6 games and he happens to be hitting a little as well, which probably helps him get on base and thus steal bases. He is 10 for his last 28.

Adrian Beltre: Yesterday he went 2 for 5 with a home run and he’s gone  9 for his last 16 with 5 runs and 7 RBIs.  If you add all that up it spells, well, nothing because numbers don’t usually add up to words.

Brian Duensing: In his first 4 starts he gave up an America, Eff Yeah-sized 21 runs in 20.2 innings. A run an inning does not look too good on the resume. Since then he has given up 10 runs in his last 7 starts for a much more career builder friendly 2.45 ERA, and a 4-2 record. The competition has been somewhat iffy, so he’s still in spot starterville, but I’m keeping my eye on him.

Ricky Nolasco: He has RickNolled anyone who even thought about owning him, but he has looked better of late. It’s a good sign that he held the Phillies to one run yesterday, but of course the Marlins don’t really care to score runs that often.

Danny Valencia: O Valencia! He’s setting the city on fire! He’s 11 for his last 25 with 2 homers and 9 RBIs in the last 6 games. Will he keep this up? Hmm, maybe, maybe not. What am I, some kind of psychic! But I picked him up in a league where David Wright is taking his own sweet time coming back. Third base is a gaping hole of doom.

Adam Dunn: Big Ass decided to go all Big Donkey for the night and hit a home run and got his second hit off a lefty all season (that raised his average against lefties to .036). This of course coincides with me dropping him. I’m skeptically pessimistic.

Mike Napoli: He’s off the DL and got a hit in his first at bat back. That’s good news.

Tampa is no South Beach.  His Wade-in-crime (Davis) isn’t quite as stellar.  But James Shields is looking a lot more Kingly than LeBron these days.  Facing the red-hot Red Sox (9 straight wins @ 9+ runs scored per game), Shields threw a 5-hit, 3-walk shutout.  That’s Shields’ 6th win with a 2.60 ERA, a 1.05 WHIP, and 98 Ks in 103.2 IP.  His ERA is almost half of last year’s 5.18 debacle.  Sure, he’s playing slightly above the talents he brought to Tampa (.269 BABIP, 82% strand rate) but his peripherals (K/BB) are as solid as anyone in the AL (including Verlander).  Hold him if you got ‘em.  Be confident to trade for him if you don’t.  Just watch out when he starts against the Tigers – that Dirks is clutch.

Elsewhere in fantasy baseballdom….

Justin Verlander - A 12 K, 2 hit shutout with the Indians’ first hit coming with one out in the 8th inning.  Clearly, Verlander was pissed that Francisco Liriano flirted with a 2nd 2011 no-hitter the other night.  He is Verlander, there can only be one.

Aaron Hill – 3 for 5 with a double and his 2nd HR of the year.  Not what I was expecting when I paid $18 for him in my AL-league.  Seems like an off year for a number of HR + high-K guys (Dunn, Reynolds, Hill, Uggla).  Reminds me of the mid-1980′s when suddenly all the coked up, slap-hitting SB guys all fell to the floor – or should I say LeFlore!

Cole Hamels - Another great start (7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners) but left with a sore back.  Musta picked it up from ol’ balky-back Roy Oswalt.  Next thing you know, Hamels will be riding to games in a John Deere or strapping a V8 onto Cliff Lee and painting a Confederate flag on both his sides.

Domonic Brown - Two solo HRs for Domonic that both were no-doubters.  I’m starting to give him the googly eyes I usually reserve for Mike Stanton.  Homers just seem easier to hit when you’re 6’5″.  Well, except when you’re Michael Jordan.  (last basketball reference, i promise)

Jered Weaver – A 5-hit shutout just like Shields’ except it was against the Mariners vs. the Red Sox.  His other two shutouts this year were against Minnesota and Oakland.  Next time an ace throws a gem against a crappy offense, we should just write “He went to Jered’s!”.

Yovani Gallardo - Gallardo rebounded from an off start against the Mets (10 hits in 4 IP) with a 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 K performance against the Cubs.  He got the no decision as the Brewers bullpen blew the lead.  Congrats to everyone in Quality Starts leagues!

Josh Johnson - Now officially out through the All-Star break.  Even worse for the Marlins, Javier Vazquez is still healthy.

Chase Utley - 2nd HR in 3 games and 3rd straight multi-hit game.  He’s also got 3 SBs so far.  That’s how you play hurt, Heyward!

Ryan Zimmerman – Returned from the DL after a 2-month break with an abdomen injury.  Now if only the Nats had 5-7 more Zimmerman(n)s, I think they could make a run at a 90 win season.  If only 1912 near-Triple Crown winner Heinie Zimmerman was 105 years younger and alive.

Pablo  Sandoval - Returned from the DL as well.  Guess it was a good day for DL’d 3Bs not named Pedro Alvarez.

Lance Berkman - Another day, another HR for Berkman.  He leads Pujols in all the Triple Crown categories.  Feel free to gloat if you have Berkman or puke if you have Pujols.

Yuniesky Maya - 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  This Cuban got smoked.

Jaime Garcia – A solid start (6 ER, 7 Ks, 2 ERs) but the bullpen blew the win.  The thing with Garcia is that you either catch him early for an 11-run outburst or he gets into a rhythm.

Roger Bernadina – Rick Ankiel has the health yips again (came out in 2nd inning) which can only help Bernadina’s playing time.  With 9 SBs in 122 ABs, he’s a worthwhile catch off SAGNOF Harbor.

Philip Hughes – Had a successful side session throwing in the low 90′s.  If he’s available in your league and you’ve got DL space, I’d give him a flier.  Probably not back until early July but he’s got solid starter potential if he can pitch at that speed.  He’s got Cy Young potential if they’d inject some Colon fat into this arm.

Alexi Ogando - Alexi had his owners (who started him) saying ‘Oh God no’ with 6 ER in 1 2/3 IP at Yankee Stadium.  And that’s why you bench almost every pitcher @NYY outside of H2H leagues and AL-only.

Charles Blackmon - Another SB.  He’s making Dexter’s baserunning look fouler by the minute.

Trevor Cahill - 4 ER in 4 1/3 IP isn’t pretty but here’s the ugly stat.  0 Ks and 7 BBs.  Against the Royals.  And two of those walks were to Francouer.  Ain’t that a kick in the Cahill!  Brett Anderson threw up a clunker like this and he turned out to be hurt.  Wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case here too.  Damn you Moneyball movie.  You’re a worse curse than the Madden cover.

Jon Niese - Had his 4th straight quality start albeit over a 16 game stretch for the Mets because he needs time to rest.  His ERA is 2.76 in home games and 4.22 in away games which makes sense but….his WHIP is lower on the road (1.20) than home (1.44).  That doesn’t make sense but…..I’m still going to call him an East Coast Hodgepadre.  Start him at home and favorable away games.

Freddie Freeman – Scratched with a mild oblique strain.  I didn’t realize that oblique strains make one itchy.

Adam LaRoche – Out for the season with a torn labrum.  He tried to play through it until a clubhouse attendant pointed out that the labrum is in the shoulder.  You mean all those weeks of icing my LaNutsack after games was for nothing!