True story: one of my childhood friends had a younger brother who was big into WWF or WWE or whatever that wrestling league was called with the Undertaker and so and so and such and such…yeah, it’s clear I didn’t watch it at any point really but that’s not the point of this story. So it was the summertime and said friend and I along with our regular High School crew went out around our town of 5,000 to see what there was to see and do what there was to do. After 10 seconds, we realized that ‘nothing’ was the answer to the previous ‘see/do’ commentary and headed back to his house. When we opened the door, we were shocked to find his brother putting wrestling moves on a stuffed bear but that wasn’t the only segment that was awkward about this. He was doing all of this with only basketball shorts and a Batman utility belt on with wrestling figures in all the belt pockets. When he realized we were taking in his wrestling kabuki theater of horrors, he turned to us with the look of a man who knows he’ll never live it down and balled ‘what are you doing here?!?’ and girlishly ran to his room. We literally couldn’t move for about 10 seconds as we stood and stared into the open space that once held one of the weirdest moments we wished we’d never seen in our lives. And done, thank you for reading and I’ll see you next week! Oh wait, this isn’t my personal blog I’m here to pick a hitter to roll with as the creeper of the week. Ok, I’ll take Chris Nelson for $1000, Alex. Daily Double! Oh, that pun might actually hold into the next paragraph. Wanna find out? Well read on as we see more about Chris for 2013 fantasy baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I don’t have enough spam, give me the Razzball email newsletter!

Weekly Razzball news delivered straight to your inbox.
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Kids these days, you all have it so good. All your video games have the most primo controllers. I went and googled Joystick just to find out how much these things have changed over time and what I saw shocked me. Well, that was partially my fault seeing as I went to google images and had the filter off. Note to self: never look up ‘grab my joystick’ ever again. But I digress, the controllers for these new systems are amazing. The Wii-mote? The coolest. The Playstation one? Stellar. When I had video games at your age – and yes I’m going to pretend you’re all way younger than me and spoiled so just play along – all I got was two buttons, Rob The Robot and a power glove. A FREAKIN POWER GLOVE, PEOPLE. But of course, you just got what the industry calls filler cuz that’s what this industry is full of. There’s no way I can write 500 plus words about Matt Joyce unless I started talking about his family heritage or his love for deep sea fishing. Did you really wanna hear about that? Didn’t think so. Of course, you didn’t wanna hear about joy sticks either but this Joyce stick should probably be in your lineup for week two of 2013 fantasy baseball. Don’t believe me? Well then read on!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Seriously, it’s week one and you already need my help? Really? Your draft go that poorly that you’re looking for a hitter to stream during the very first week of the season? Well, who am I to complain if I’m getting a readership right off the bat, I guess. But next year, why don’t you contact me a little sooner. We can do lunch together. Heck, I might even spring for the check. We might even eat at one of those fancy places that puts a lemon in the water glass where all the waiters remember the daily specials and make you stare up their nose when you talk to them. We can bring in a fake fly and put it in the soup to get them in trouble with their manager and watch some snooty on snooty action which isn’t as much fun but much more sanitary than Snooki on Snooki action. Wait, where was I? Oh right, it’s week 1 and you’re already struggling to compete. I’m no soothsayer but I foresee a tough road ahead for you. But in any event, that’s why I’m here, to guide you to weekly fantasy glory. I’m going to start this crazy little thing off with a hitter who really likes Homeschooling in David Murphy and how he can help you out for week 1 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Not sure if you heard, but last week on Labor Day, some bored Casino in the Twin Cities spent half-a-day cooking a 1000 pound hamburger.

Guinness Records representative Philip Robertson verified the record for biggest burger. He called the feat a result of “remarkable teamwork” and said the burger “actually tastes really good.” Black Bear’s burger included 60 pounds of bacon, 50 pounds of lettuce, 50 pounds of sliced onions, 40 pounds of pickles and 40 pounds of cheese. Please, blog, may I have some more?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So much to write about this week, so little space to put it in. So let’s meditate, gyrate, and procreate our thoughts on this challenge, and condense down to one single topic. After a large amount of concentrating and Captain Morgan, I have read your mind and figured out what you, as my readership, wants to discuss. Please, blog, may I have some more?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

When I think of a creeper, two images flow into my mind— Bachmann-eyezed! and the song ‘Creep’. This combo punch is usually enough to haunt my entire day as I hum Radiohead and cry fearful tears, afraid that I’ll be accused of being part of the Muslim Brotherhood and then be stared at profusely by those hypnotizing conservative eyes. Please, blog, may I have some more?

Please, blog, may I have some more?