Your regular Creeper columnist, Sky, is taking the week off as things start to heat up over on the football side of things here at Razzball. I know, I miss him too. Turn that frown upside down, though, because I’ve got a nice Creeper for you this week in Will Venable. When I went to write this post, I looked for four things: nice matchup(s), a player who is widely available, somebody who’s actually hitting right now, and a player who can contribute in multiple categories for your fantasy team. Venable fits the bill this week. He’s always been the poor man’s power/speed combo player, but he’s frustrating to own long term due to a crowded San Diego outfield cutting into his playing time and an inability to really hit for average. Even so, I think he’s a good bet this week for some power and speed. As an added bonus, he’s one of a handful of players that wasn’t accused of taking PED’s by Jack Clark…so there’s that.Please, blog, may I have some more?
First and foremost, I’d like to start this little piece off with a big thanks to all of those who read these creeper posts. It’s meant a lot to me but I’m afraid I have to move on from them for a while…like for a week. You think I’d abandon you? Never! You’re like a box of fluffy little kittens left outside a grocery store in November. If I could, I’d take you all home with me. But I can’t afford that so I’m gonna have to do the most humane thing I can which is sack you up and drown you in the river…whoops, where was I going with this insanely dark path? I don’t know. I’ll be out next week. Deal with it. But that doesn’t mean I’m not here for you this week, friends. Nope, I’m all in on it for you this week as we examine the curious life of Kole Calhoun and how he’s here to help you for week 19 of the 2013 Fantasy Baseball season…but wait, there’s more! If ya didn’t know this by now, I write for the football side here on Razzball as well. If ya didn’t know part deux, we do our own version of the RCLs over there and you get to win sweet Razzball swag that way as well. So let’s say you’re out of it for baseball’s grand prize this year, we’ve got you covered with the Razzball Football Commenter Leagues, peeps! And before you tell me to close my filthy, whorish mouth realize Razzball is like the 3 Musketeers: we’re all for one and one for all! Anythewho, back to talk to you about what we came to do. Ain’t that right, boo? TRUE!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Homer has so many different meanings. When I say ‘Homer’, I could be referring to Mr. Simpson himself (or Mr. Plow if you prefer). Conversely, I could be referring to when a player hits the ball out of the park. That would make sense given the context but I’m not going that route either. Even further, I could be referring to the Greek poet but we all know I’m not smart enough for that reference. Or better yet, since we’re talking about a Padre, I could be referring to Jaywrong and his dirty affliction for all things Friars. But nay, I talk not of any of these things. I’m here to talk about being a homer like I’m a rapper and I get to make shizz up. I’m gonna call Yonder Alonso a homer for the coming week for 2013 fantasy baseball and if you’d like to find out why, you’ll have to read on into the next paragraph. Be careful with that first step and I’ll meet you there!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Thanks for the welcome back all from my All-Star Weekend excursion. I talked with Grey and he said ‘why the heck didn’t you write one?’ to which I responded ‘but please, sir, you promised me some time off around the break while I worked on the Razzball Fantasy Football side of things. You also said you’d bump my pay from 2 bits to 3 for the year. Does that still apply?’ From that point on there was much caning and agony until I reminded him of my Luke Scott call from the week prior to calm him along with refilling his vape. But of course, none of this matters to you really, you’re here for this week’s creeper. So without much more pomp, let me type with the 4 remaining fingers that work why Justin Smoak is a good pickup for week 16 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season.Please, blog, may I have some more?
First off, let me just say I am hanging my head in shame about my Danny Valencia call last week. Not only did he only see 3 at-bats up to Saturday morning, he was DFA’ed by Wednesday. Painful, and I’m not just talking about the shot to my pride. Grey’s paddle is pretty formidable and has ‘O.B. Badass’ written on one side of it. I used to be such a sweet, sweet thing till they got a hold of me…but I have to let the past lie in the past and move on. Or do I? Maybe instead this week I should go Back To The Future on y’all and revisit a man who used to be a great weekly ride but has shown his age a bit this year and see what’s left in the tank. So join me as we see why Luke Scott should be a nice pick-up for week 15 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hello one, hello all it is your gracious and well manscaped travel agent, Sky. I promise I’ll do my best to accommodate all your traveling needs and not relive my past years glory while I do it. Truthfully, I don’t have two tickets to paradise for you this week. Heck, I don’t even have a 7 day vacation package ready for you like you asked for. We didn’t ask for anything. Who are you and why are you talking to me? I already told you I was Sky, silly, and I’ve been writing over on the Razzball Fantasy Football side for ages. And by ‘ages’ I mean since last year but in the internet world that’s practically like running a family car wash for 50 years. Grey asked me to come over here and give the worst advice possible a while back so he looks better but I decided y’all are too good for that and have suggested guys like Eric Chavez, Brandon Moss and Adam Lind to you in the past. But this week was stickier than those little buns you like…um, I’m talking about sticky buns guys…where were YOU going with that? But enough about how you sticky your buns, I’m here to talk about Danny Valencia and more importantly why he’s a good get for week 14 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
The way you hit it. I can’t believe it. I ain’t never seen an Astro like dat…the way you swing it, you make my fantasy team go…DUH DOING DOING DOING! I had to look up the lyrics to that song so I could figure out how to spell ‘DOING’, by the way, and it still feels wrong. What are you doing? Doing’ing? Must be like Polish and polish. Did you read those two right? You read the last one like what you do to all of your fantasy baseball trophies and the first one is the one you hear in all your grandpa’s racist ‘screw in a lightbulb’ jokes. It’s all in the capital letter to pronounce it differently. Maybe all caps makes doing refer to pitching a tent. This is a fantasy baseball blog, why are you talking about camping?!? It’s summer, you should go camping at least once readers, really. Enjoy the sunshine while you can. Don’t live in a cave writing about fantasy sports all day like we do. Hrm, I don’t know how to transition back to the point of this conversation now so I’ll just awkward segue to it. Matt Dominguez is home for five games and I want him on my team for that amount of time. Wanna know why? Well read in the next paragraph as I explain it for week 13 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Do you hear that? Grrrrrrrr. Is that a bear? Grumble, grumble. Is that Grey complaining about how he traded away Manny Machado for David Price while picking up every rookie pitcher known to man? The sound you make while pronouncing Prince’s weird symbol name. Ah, I know what that is. That’s my gut. Not only does it tell me when I’m hungry, it speaks fluent crazy musician. True fact: it once explained G’n’R’s Estranged video to me. It’s quite simple really: Axl Rose is a nuttier than a bukkake video. Hrm, maybe I didn’t need my gut to tell me that…anywho, my gut is now trying to tell me something about fantasy baseball for this week and it’s telling me this Oakland guy named Brandon Moss will be a good play this week and is only 31% owned in ESPN leagues and 21% in Yahoo. Ok, it didn’t tell me the last part, my eyes did cuz I looked him up. But I can tell you’re not convinced so let’s see why Moss should be a good play for week 12 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Look, I know we’re not friends. At least not true friends, we’re internet friends. You barely know me, I barely know you. We occasionally share drink recipes and quips about reality television. But you come here every week, you read the content on this site which means you do know something about me: my fantasy baseball abilities. I heard you snickering! But for cereal, it feels like you’re not listening to me. I know you’re not doing it on purpose. You wouldn’t flat out ignore me, would you? We’re not married so I don’t see why you would so I’m trying to figure out why Adam Lind is only 35% owned, with 27% of that ownership happening in the last week. I mean, I mentioned him quite clearly on this Razzball Podcast. You probably snickered then too. Admittedly, I didn’t think the kid was gonna stay this hot for this long. It’s getting to the point of ridiculousness on a grand scale but I am not gonna stop talking about him until he’s at least 50% owned. I’m serious, take this as a threat or he’s the Creeper of the Week for week 12 as well! But enough with idle threats – or are they? – I’m here to talk about why he’s a creeper for this week of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Last week around the Razzball water cooler, Sky was like, “you should be my creeper of the week.” Boy does he wish he took that back. I rolled up about 5 driveways down from his house at 13(redacted)5 (redacted)field Lane, (redacted)town, (redacted) in my 1985 maroon Chevy Astro and grew a Derek Holland/Tyler Skaggs-esque-stache until the moment was ripe. While he may have you think he’s working on some awesome content over there at Razzball Football, I actually hired a look alike off Craigslist to post his work. I mean, look at how fuzzy his picture is, I could get anyone from Channing Tatum to The Elephant Man to Tehol. Trust me, that’s not the only thing Tehol advertises as “his services” on Craigslist.Please, blog, may I have some more?