This is a tough one for me this week. I just attended a funeral the other day for the death of Avisail Garcia‘s 2014 season. We all had such high hopes here at Razzball for the winner of the Miguel Cabrera look-a-like contest. When he was with the Tigers they called him Minnie-Miggy.  He had just come off his best game of the year where he smacked two home run’s and was making me look like the creep whisperer…..That really sounds like I whisper in a really creepy way, which I don’t, I have a sexy whisper.  Hey there four girl readers! (What’s yo’ name, what’s yo’ number?) Now we must move on and bury our Avisail dreams, unless you are in a deep keeper league, then I would take a deep breath, put him on your DL and go out and grab Marlon Byrd… for the week. Ok, he might be worth owning longer, but this week he’s my Creeper. Before I get to all the blah blah blah for why he is my keeper, I want to talk about what a cool name Byrd is. You got Larry Bird, Harvey Birdman, the Dirty Bird, Lady Bird Johnson, and Robin Thicke. Hey wait a minute J-FOH, Robin Thicke is a type of bird? That is correct diligent Razzican, but he is a damn sexy type of bird. The man makes beautiful music that gets the ladies into the mood, with the help of alcohol too, to give J-FOH the sweet sweet loving he needs. Do my dirty work Robin, you have replaced Michael McDonald, serenade their repulsion’s away so I can play outside my division.  Damn that gives me an idea, a collaboration made in the heavens, Robin Thicke and Michael McDonald team up for the ultimate lovers album.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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I’m sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea, I’ve got to be free, free to face the life that’s ahead of me. The Virgin Sea is Coors Field and you have got to be free to add Avisail Garcia ASAP. What sweet sweet rock n’ roll poetry to get week 2 of the season started. The 1970’s and early 80’s hit making band Styx provided me with that brilliant piece of intro for this week’s Creeper of the Week. Their classic, Come Sail Away, has been a radio staple, as well as a beautiful remade meoldy by Eric Cartman on South Park.  In week 2, we get the early season gift of Avisail Garcia making his Coors debut and like any lover of sleepers out there we love these kind of trips. If I was wealthy, I’d hop a plane to cheer this 6’4 240lb Venenzuelan onto fantasy week 2 gold. I’d also want to go get a room in the team hotel (stalker alert) and that way I can make sure anytime he isn’t on the field no one is trying to disrupt this treasured hitter. Wait a minute, before you all think I’m crushing too hard on him be reminded I’m not the only person at Razzball with a crush on Avisail. (He was Jammed by the Gurutargeted by Greya sleeper by Grey, loved by Mike and Bill Mahoney in the White Sox Fantasy Preview, and is one of Jay’s top 100 keepers) So why is he only 11.6% owned in ESPN? I’ll tell you why, 88.4% of all ESPN leagues don’t read Razzball (for shame) and only contain ESPN employees and their family members. Thankfully we have a good readership in Yahoo who sports a 34% for my Creeper of the Week. Props to you Yahoo players for reading the Razz on the regular.

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When Grey asked me if I wanted to be the creeper of the week, I thought I was being scolded for inappropriate behavior in the comments section. What a relief it was when I found out I would get to write for the readers on a weekly basis talking about Creepers. After doing some research, I’ve found out that to be a good creeper you need a good pair of binoculars, a really nice van, and a list….lipstick optional.  Unfortunately I didn’t need the binoculars or the van to write this article, but I’ll keep them anyway. Though the list has been valuable and the lipstick is quite empowering,  I think it it’s time to get this party started. I started with a list and whittled it down and realized there were too many young guys people have taken flyers on. But what I did see was a lot of veteran streaky hot schomatato types. As I sat here digging through the piles of the unwanted to find that one guy that should be available in most 12-team leagues and usable in terms of SAGNOF, HR’s, great park/matchups, I came across a name we all know and love to hate…..Adam Dunn (14.3% owned).

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Seriously, I’ve been on a bad streak on these. I’m giving you that fair warning. It seems no matter what research I do – and yes I do research – flies back in my face like I just spit out the car window. Chris Colabello? Awful. Dustin Ackley? Egads. Michael Morse? There are baby diapers out there that were stuffed full of more stats then he was. It’s such a tough stretch of year to not only nail down playing time but to also performance. But one thing I thought I could nail down? You guys knowing who the current starting first baseman was for the Saint Louis Cardinals. This feels cheaper than a date with Jaywrong, but I just have to point out the 14.8% owned Matt Adams and how he should be able to assist you in week 25 of your 2013 Fantasy Baseball season path to dominance (or futility, if that applies)…

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Well, I keep going deep on these calls and keep digging a bigger hole so I figure why stop? Let’s dig straight to Italy. Why didn’t I say China you ask? Because that little boot of a country had the player I’m talking about this week on its National team this year. Which is really weird when you consider his wiki page says he’s an American. Um, don’t you have to be of said nationality to play for said nationality? Sounds like the standards for playing for a National team are pretty loose. I’d love to see the fill-out sheet to join. Wonder if it looks like this. Well, never mind, these things matter not. What DOES matter is Chris Colabello looks like a nice power pickup for week 24 of our 2013 Fantasy Baseball season…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yep, you know me. I only cover Mariners. Though I’m not as much of a homer as JayWrong is with his San Diego Chargers, Padres, Zoos, Comic-Cons, and even Newscasters, I admittedly let my pieces of Pacific Northwest flair get the best of me last week, believing in Michael Morse. What else should I be? All apologies…I wanted to believe Morse was worth at least a HR or two but as of this Saturday morning typing, the lumbering oaf doesn’t even have a double and I’m guessing probably won’t do much the last two days. Maybe I should’ve gone with Bogusevic…but rather than wallow in self-loathing and then project it onto the internet for everyone to see, I’m looking to move on. I’m gonna suggest to you a guy who’s actually been hot over the last few weeks but hasn’t really caught on with the masses like I thought he would at this point given positional scarcity. We’re here to talk about none other than the post-hype sleeper that is Dustin Ackley and why he’ll help you for week 23 of the 2013 Fantasy Baseball season…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings and good cheer, my fellow Razzballians (which sounds like a portmanteau of ‘Razzball Aliens’ but I swear it’s not; the status of your US green card is not knowledge we currently own. Note the word ‘currently’.) and welcome to the end of days. See how if you say it nicely how well it goes over? ‘Huzzah my good and lovely wife of 15 years, I’m here to divorce you!’. Try it, it might work out to where you don’t have to give up 50% of your Furby collection. Hrm, maybe I shouldn’t hand out life advice and stick to fantasy baseball…anywho, our season is winding down and it gets harder and harder to find a good bat on waivers. Trust me I know. If I hadn’t seen some hope for Michael Morse this week, you might’ve been hearing about Bogusevic here. We’re scraping the bottom of the barrel full of monkeys at this point and if you’ve ever cleaned one of those barrels out, you know what the bottom is full of. You haven’t and you don’t, you say? You don’t get the implication, you dully respond? I’m talking about fecal matter here, people, of the primate variety or ‘monkey poo’ if you need it in layman’s terms. By the end of the year, you’re trying to justify any and all pickups since most ownable players are already on teams and the rosters haven’t expanded for some September rookie upside plays yet. So without further ado, let’s discuss the monkey poo that that is Morse for 2013 Fantasy baseball…oops, my boss over at Razzball Football is telling me something via my bluetooth (hint: I am my own boss over there…so yeah, I’m basically talking to myself in this made up scenario). It seems that some of you do play Fantasy Football and for those that do, you can join a Razzball Commenter Leagues for football just like you did for baseball. There’s all the same things you’d expect to find on the baseball side. Good league mates, a grand prize, an image of Grey lying naked on a Polar Bearskin rug with a meerschaum pipe. So hop over there, create/join a league, then hop back over here to finish the story of my great Re-Morse…

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And just like Lazarus, I’ve come back from the dead. Well not really from death. I was just on vacation but after being gone this long I’m sure you’re all saying ‘you’re dead to me’ upon reading this. I know, it was one of the worst times of the year to leave you. You’re pushing for the playoffs in head to head leagues or trying to wiggle up your standings at the final turn of the season. I left you cold, naked and afraid like that one time the boyfriend came in and you were bumping uglies with his girl and you had to hide in the stand up freezer. I understand no apology will erase this frost-bitten memory for you but hopefully my player of choice this week can put me back into your good graces. To be fair, JB and I and the rest of the Razzball Football crew have been pretty busy trying to get Commissioners for the 2013 Fantasy Football season in our Razzball Commenter Leagues so it’s not like we haven’t still been working hard for you, we just changed the shape of the ball. But with that, I come to you for this fine week 21 with a power crazed man with a sweet home ballpark. So let me give unto you Darin Ruf for week 21 of the 2013 Fantasy Baseball season…

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Your regular Creeper columnist, Sky, is taking the week off as things start to heat up over on the football side of things here at Razzball. I know, I miss him too. Turn that frown upside down, though, because I’ve got a nice Creeper for you this week in Will Venable. When I went to write this post, I looked for four things: nice matchup(s), a player who is widely available, somebody who’s actually hitting right now, and a player who can contribute in multiple categories for your fantasy team. Venable fits the bill this week. He’s always been the poor man’s power/speed combo player, but he’s frustrating to own long term due to a crowded San Diego outfield cutting into his playing time and an inability to really hit for average. Even so, I think he’s a good bet this week for some power and speed. As an added bonus, he’s one of a handful of players that wasn’t accused of taking PED’s by Jack Clark…so there’s that.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

First and foremost, I’d like to start this little piece off with a big thanks to all of those who read these creeper posts. It’s meant a lot to me but I’m afraid I have to move on from them for a while…like for a week. You think I’d abandon you? Never! You’re like a box of fluffy little kittens left outside a grocery store in November. If I could, I’d take you all home with me. But I can’t afford that so I’m gonna have to do the most humane thing I can which is sack you up and drown you in the river…whoops, where was I going with this insanely dark path? I don’t know. I’ll be out next week. Deal with it. But that doesn’t mean I’m not here for you this week, friends. Nope, I’m all in on it for you this week as we examine the curious life of Kole Calhoun and how he’s here to help you for week 19 of the 2013 Fantasy Baseball season…but wait, there’s more! If ya didn’t know this by now, I write for the football side here on Razzball as well. If ya didn’t know part deux, we do our own version of the RCLs over there and you get to win sweet Razzball swag that way as well. So let’s say you’re out of it for baseball’s grand prize this year, we’ve got you covered with the Razzball Football Commenter Leagues, peeps! And before you tell me to close my filthy, whorish mouth realize Razzball is like the 3 Musketeers: we’re all for one and one for all! Anythewho, back to talk to you about what we came to do. Ain’t that right, boo? TRUE!

Please, blog, may I have some more?