As I was flipping through my records the other day I came across my 45 of Devo’s Working in a Coal Mine. Originally a hit by Lee Dorsey, it was covered by the men in the funny hats and was a very popular song off the Heavy Metal soundtrack. For those that don’t know what Heavy Metal is you can look here. I would like to put up the trailer but it’s a NSFW kinda thing. Listening to this song reminded me of a guy that got lost in this seasons pool of injuries. Kole Calhoun is due back this week, most likely Tueday, and his ownership has dropped down to 10.8% in all of ESPN leagues! As this injury epidemic continues on we have been forced to drop some good players to make room for our studs. In all my years playing this maddening little game I have never seen anything like this. You must be some kind of wizard if you don’t have a player on the DL right now. Seriously go buy some lotto tickets and a couple of tall cans. You can pre-celebrate because you’re destined to be a winner. I shouldn’t try and explain all this craziness because that would be futile. Ok, maybe I’ll try one theory…maybe Bud Selig made a deal with the devil and now it’s time to pay the piper or maybe the devil and Bud Selig are one in the same. Insert your favorite evil laugh here….mine is Skeletor!

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Cameron Maybin has been one of the most frustrating and intriguing players to watch over the last eight years. After flying through Detroit’s system just under two years, he made his first appearance in 2007 with lackluster results. Following that 2007 season, he was the centerpiece, along with Andrew Miller, in the Miguel Cabrera deal between the Marlins and the Tigers. He opened the 2008 season with the Marlins AA team and put together his best season to date, when in 459 AB’s, he gave us a line of 73/13/49/21/.277. He followed that with a September call up where he stole 4 bags and scored 9 runs in 32 PA’s. I remember being disappointed in 2009, when after that great call-up, he was set to start the year in AAA and we all had to wait to add him when he got the call. At the time I didn’t know SAGNOF yet, but I was playing it. Always searching for the cheap SB’s or anyone playing against Chris Young when he was on the Padres. For those that forgot, in 2006 and 2007, Chris Young gave up 41 and 44 SB’s respectively, which averaged out to about one every four innings. YIKES! Sorry, back to Maybin. After that, it was just one long roller coaster of solid minor league performance followed by MLB disappointment until a trade that put him in a San Diego uniform, with a chance to start over.

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What does Juan Lagares have to do with this title? Not very much, but this day only comes around once a year, and I’m going to honor it by using it as the title of my post. I’m such a nerd that I still have my Star Wars lunch box from when I was a kid, and I ain’t selling it. My inner-Jedi has been searching around to try and find a stop-gap who has the force flowing through them for the next week. Many of us need help in our lineups while we deal with injuries and non-performers. I own Adam Eaton, Billy Hamilton, and Kole Calhoun in one league, and I’m in serious need of a bat right now that won’t kill my team. If you were a diligent reader of the pre-season awesomeness here at Razzball, then you may own some of these players too. It’s a predicament of Sarlaccian proportions and as we dodge asteroids in our Millennium Falcons, we need to find that bat to help us through this mess.

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In case you missed it, I’m still the Creeper and the premise is still the same. I had a hiccup last week and let my 4th personality in the door and did Norichiko Aoki as my Jack’s Hit of the Week. For that momentary lapse of reason, I apologize to my regulars who look forward to a hot add for the coming week. As I stand here before you in my shame suit, I ask you to read on because this ride is a doozy. They say a scooter is fun to ride but you would never want your friends to see you on one. [Ed. Note -- Just like your mom!] Well I can say, they are quite fun, and if you ask not-real-life brother and sister Christian Slater and Helen Slater, they will confirm they are worth starting a rebellious social phenomenon over. Like the Legend of Billie Jean, watch the link to follow this, we are starting a revolution here today because fair is fair and Scooter Gennett needs to be owned for the next week and maybe a lot longer.

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They say the more things change, the more they stay the same. This might actually apply here for my column name change. Last year, Sky put up a stellar Creeper of the Week every week, something I am still striving to live up to. But now I have my new feathered haircut, my acid washed Levi’s, seat covers for my El Camino… all these things have given me a different look, but underneath, I was still the same. The haircut scored me no brownie points with the ladies, the jeans made it look like I was wearing girls pants, and the seat covers were to cover up a cheap whiskey and firecracker incident… don’t ask. This isn’t like when they introduced New Coke, which I loved because I was a Pepsi drinker (the formula is the same, it just has my name inserted in a nothing kind of way). So in case this made no sense, I am still writing the Creeper of the Week, it’s just under a new title.

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This is a tough one for me this week. I just attended a funeral the other day for the death of Avisail Garcia‘s 2014 season. We all had such high hopes here at Razzball for the winner of the Miguel Cabrera look-a-like contest. When he was with the Tigers they called him Minnie-Miggy.  He had just come off his best game of the year where he smacked two home run’s and was making me look like the creep whisperer…..That really sounds like I whisper in a really creepy way, which I don’t, I have a sexy whisper.  Hey there four girl readers! (What’s yo’ name, what’s yo’ number?) Now we must move on and bury our Avisail dreams, unless you are in a deep keeper league, then I would take a deep breath, put him on your DL and go out and grab Marlon Byrd… for the week. Ok, he might be worth owning longer, but this week he’s my Creeper. Before I get to all the blah blah blah for why he is my keeper, I want to talk about what a cool name Byrd is. You got Larry Bird, Harvey Birdman, the Dirty Bird, Lady Bird Johnson, and Robin Thicke. Hey wait a minute J-FOH, Robin Thicke is a type of bird? That is correct diligent Razzican, but he is a damn sexy type of bird. The man makes beautiful music that gets the ladies into the mood, with the help of alcohol too, to give J-FOH the sweet sweet loving he needs. Do my dirty work Robin, you have replaced Michael McDonald, serenade their repulsion’s away so I can play outside my division.  Damn that gives me an idea, a collaboration made in the heavens, Robin Thicke and Michael McDonald team up for the ultimate lovers album.

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I’m sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea, I’ve got to be free, free to face the life that’s ahead of me. The Virgin Sea is Coors Field and you have got to be free to add Avisail Garcia ASAP. What sweet sweet rock n’ roll poetry to get week 2 of the season started. The 1970′s and early 80′s hit making band Styx provided me with that brilliant piece of intro for this week’s Creeper of the Week. Their classic, Come Sail Away, has been a radio staple, as well as a beautiful remade meoldy by Eric Cartman on South Park.  In week 2, we get the early season gift of Avisail Garcia making his Coors debut and like any lover of sleepers out there we love these kind of trips. If I was wealthy, I’d hop a plane to cheer this 6’4 240lb Venenzuelan onto fantasy week 2 gold. I’d also want to go get a room in the team hotel (stalker alert) and that way I can make sure anytime he isn’t on the field no one is trying to disrupt this treasured hitter. Wait a minute, before you all think I’m crushing too hard on him be reminded I’m not the only person at Razzball with a crush on Avisail. (He was Jammed by the Gurutargeted by Greya sleeper by Grey, loved by Mike and Bill Mahoney in the White Sox Fantasy Preview, and is one of Jay’s top 100 keepers) So why is he only 11.6% owned in ESPN? I’ll tell you why, 88.4% of all ESPN leagues don’t read Razzball (for shame) and only contain ESPN employees and their family members. Thankfully we have a good readership in Yahoo who sports a 34% for my Creeper of the Week. Props to you Yahoo players for reading the Razz on the regular.

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When Grey asked me if I wanted to be the creeper of the week, I thought I was being scolded for inappropriate behavior in the comments section. What a relief it was when I found out I would get to write for the readers on a weekly basis talking about Creepers. After doing some research, I’ve found out that to be a good creeper you need a good pair of binoculars, a really nice van, and a list….lipstick optional.  Unfortunately I didn’t need the binoculars or the van to write this article, but I’ll keep them anyway. Though the list has been valuable and the lipstick is quite empowering,  I think it it’s time to get this party started. I started with a list and whittled it down and realized there were too many young guys people have taken flyers on. But what I did see was a lot of veteran streaky hot schomatato types. As I sat here digging through the piles of the unwanted to find that one guy that should be available in most 12-team leagues and usable in terms of SAGNOF, HR’s, great park/matchups, I came across a name we all know and love to hate…..Adam Dunn (14.3% owned).

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Seriously, I’ve been on a bad streak on these. I’m giving you that fair warning. It seems no matter what research I do – and yes I do research – flies back in my face like I just spit out the car window. Chris Colabello? Awful. Dustin Ackley? Egads. Michael Morse? There are baby diapers out there that were stuffed full of more stats then he was. It’s such a tough stretch of year to not only nail down playing time but to also performance. But one thing I thought I could nail down? You guys knowing who the current starting first baseman was for the Saint Louis Cardinals. This feels cheaper than a date with Jaywrong, but I just have to point out the 14.8% owned Matt Adams and how he should be able to assist you in week 25 of your 2013 Fantasy Baseball season path to dominance (or futility, if that applies)…

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Well, I keep going deep on these calls and keep digging a bigger hole so I figure why stop? Let’s dig straight to Italy. Why didn’t I say China you ask? Because that little boot of a country had the player I’m talking about this week on its National team this year. Which is really weird when you consider his wiki page says he’s an American. Um, don’t you have to be of said nationality to play for said nationality? Sounds like the standards for playing for a National team are pretty loose. I’d love to see the fill-out sheet to join. Wonder if it looks like this. Well, never mind, these things matter not. What DOES matter is Chris Colabello looks like a nice power pickup for week 24 of our 2013 Fantasy Baseball season…

Please, blog, may I have some more?