It’s 2011 and I haven’t been more excited to start a fantasy baseball season since Babe Ruth gained OF eligibility….I’d like to pass Miguel Cabrera some advice I once got from Ann Margaret at Art Garfunkel’s ‘Carnal Knowledge‘-themed New Year’s party – “Easy there, Tiger”…My friend Tony Gugliotta from Brooklyn is drafting J.P. Arencibia because he reminds him of his favorite pasta sauce. Guess he’s saying ciao to Francisco Cervelli…..The Angels sure like fishing for talent…first Tim Salmon, now Mike Trout….if I was playing in front of an Angels scout, I’d change my name to Larry Gefilte….My good friend Fred Wilpon is no sucker, but if he was, he’d be a Charms….Since when did the Braves start playing in Atlanta?….Whenever I hear the song ‘Deep in the Heart of Texas’, I think of Michael Young….Whenever I see LOL I think of Mickey Lolich’s boisterous laugh…My wife and I play this game where we use a rhyming baseball player’s name for a word like ‘Not Robb Nen’ for ‘Not again’ or ‘Joel Skinner time’ for ‘Dinner time’…..Boy does she hate it when I say ‘Something smells funny in my Duane Kuiper’….Dontrelle Willis might not be a major-league caliber pitcher anymore but he’s an all-star gentleman in my book….The guy who invented WHIP must have been as smart as one….I’m afraid to leave my door open this Passover seder in fear that Elijah Dukes will come and eat all the horseradish….Why do you wear a tie to eat French food but you don’t wear a beret to eat Thai food?….I would consider trading in my suspenders for San Francisco 1B prospect Brandon Belt….I feel for Yankee fans as I know how it feels to put your faith in a damaged Colon….I think Eat Pray Love was just one shower scene away from an Oscar nomination….How would we know if a switch-hitter was actually identical twins?…You can’t spell Will Venable without winable….I had dinner last night with Oriole/Angel great Doug DeCinces – he’s such a stand-up guy that all the letters in his last name should be capitalized….I already miss Bobby Cox and Joe Torre.  I pitched MLB.com a talk show with the two of them called Cox-Torre and they were a-giggle at the possibilities…How come Subway doesn’t carry pumpernickel bread?…If you combined Don Sutton’s perm with new HOFer Bert Blyleven’s beard, you’d have one sexy man….The Padres may have Cantu but, with Chone Figgins and Brendan Ryan, the Mariners have “can do”….Did you hear about this high school pitcher with two artificial legs….if heart were legs, he’d be a caterpillar….You have to figure that either Roy Halladay or Roy Oswalt is named after Brooklyn Dodger great Roy Campanella, right?…Who’d have thought there’d be three catchers named Molina before the next Yogi?…I won’t wear fur but I’d make an exception for Minka Kelly…I think Matt Stairs is a professional human being…If you don’t think Angel owner Cesar Romero made a wise move by trading for the incomparable Vernon Wells then the joke is on you….I wish I could change wives as quickly as Javier Vazquez changes teams….Great joke I heard from my pal Morty – what does the Reds first baseman and Angie Dickinson have in common…they both make you say Votto-voom!

Greetings friends, acquaintances and ex-wives!  Congratulations to the San Francisco Giants!  I can’t wait to see your parade where you celebrate your pride….  How about the fact that whomever won Bengie Molina was guaranteed a ring?  That reminds me of my 4th marriage….  I’m so happy for Cody Ross’ family.  His great-great-great grandmother was a wonderful woman and a hell of a seamstress….  I once bought a day old bagel and cracked a tooth.  Since then “I feared the schmeared….”  Some of you might have saw the great matriarch, Barbara Bush, at game four.  She wasn’t keeping score, we were doing some old school texting…  I do wish both teams could’ve won the World Series.  Then some of my hedge bets would’ve made sense….  I just don’t understand Paranormal Activity 2.  Why don’t they just buy a nightlight?… You know what never gets old?  A conversation with my doorman…. The sales people at Best Buy are so knowledgeable.  They knew exactly why I was feeling a jolt every time I used my universal remote.  Will have to have Dr. Kapawitz look at my pacemaker….   Michael Jackson would be so happy to see his parents raise his children…. Does anyone know where I put my pants?… Isn’t it crazy the way Angelenos talk?  It’s all Spanish to me!  Ah, there’s my pants, on the ol’ gams like they should be….  Where’s Bob Newhart been?  He stole my hand soaps….   Youtube looks like a Kenyan name….

Greetings friends, acquaintances and ex-wives!  Wow, another baseball season is in the books!  I’d like to tip my hat to Joe Girardi.  If I had a son, I’d name him Joegirardi King… I haven’t been this excited for a Yankees win since the Civil War… Don’t worry, Philadelphia – at least you still have that delicious cream cheese….  The last game reminded me of the time I had lunch with Wolf Blitzer.  I fell asleep during both…. I wish there were fjords in Kansas…. The only thing new Cardinal hitting instructor Mark McGwire has to apologize for is his killer smile…. I hope Cole Hamels’ mom teaches him a thing or two about spunk… If I threw a party, I’d invite Carlos Ruiz and ask him how he squats behind the plate.  My knees don’t work so good anymore… I was enchanted by Sandra Bullock’s performance in All About Steve.  When she does an accent, Oscar says, “Yes!”… I don’t think Chone Figgins is going to leave the Angels because it’ll take too long to teach everyone at another stadium to say his name correctly… Why can’t I find my pajamas?  I’m cold…. The best restaurant on the Upper East Side is the alleyway behind Le Cirque where the bus boys hang out and smoke… I’m bucknaked as I type this, and I’m not typing with my fingers… Where has Celine Dion been? I’m dying for a music-inspired soundtrack for James Cameron’s latest, Avatar…  Speaking of which, am I the only one that wants to pronounce it Ava Tar?… If Sean Casey is the Mayor, then Mark Grace is the Comptroller… The player I most identify with in the Major Leagues is Manny Ramirez…We both are from a New York borough…We both use erectile dysfunction pills…We both pee at inappropriate times…. Ah, there’s my pajamas, who put them in the microwave?…. The Pirates fans better get their season tickets early, you got Akinori Iwamura now!  I regretted not buying a baseball team until watching Frank McCourt’s ordeal.  Such a shame as Angela’s Ashes is one of my favorite books of all time.  Let’s just hope that Peter and Maya Angelos stay together…

Greetings fantasy baseballers!  I’m tingling all over and I hope it’s because of fantasy baseball…Am I the only one that wants to call that Ranger kid Nelson Cruz Jr?  I sure hope he names his son Nelson.  Or Caribbean….. If hustling on the baseball field cost 5 cents, Marco Scutaro would have to stock up on nickels…… Don’t worry about Brian McCann – I sent him to my opthamologist Dr. Schneweiss…… I’m glad I don’t own any bases because I’d be afraid Carl Crawford would steal them……. Mr. Rollins may be slumping but he still puts the Jimmies on my baseball sundae….. Am I the only one that wants to call that pitcher on the Cardinals Adam Wainwright III?…. Is goosenfeffer a word?….. The Nats bullpen is equal opportunity these days – it must make President Obama happy….Fare thee well, Jim Bowden.  You are a 5-tool human being in my book……Speaking of GMs, wouldn’t it be funny if there was one named Ford?  Or Chrysler?  Or Lenny?……Am I the only one that wants to call the Florida middle reliever Pope Leo X Nunez?…..Pronounce it tomato or tomahto – it still makes for a delicious juice….. If I was Edinson Volquez’s teammate, I’d nickname him Crazy Eddie because his lack of control is insane. I’d nickname Aaron Harang “Wolfgang” because Mozart loved a good rhyme….. I breathed a big sigh of relief when Casey Kotchman tested negative for swine flu….. I finally found the MLB Network on my cable box and I love it.  Harold Reynolds must be drinking from the Fountain of Couth…… Am I the only one that wants to call Cardinals pitcher/lawyer Mitchell Boggs and ask him to take my 5th wife out of the will?….. That new Yankee Stadium is something.  I got box seats behind the plate and, before I knew it, I was sitting in the right-field bleachers……. You know why people shortened doughnut to donut?  Because there’s nothing ‘ugh’ about them…..

Hello, fantasy baseball fans, in America and abroad! Can you believe another season is over? Way to go, Philadelphia Phillies! One story of the World Series that was under reported is the size of Ben Zobrist’s hands. They’re tiny!…. Philly may be The City of Brotherly Love, but Tampa is definitely The City of the Classy Waitress. Not one sideways glance when you leave a 12% tip….If you only saw one game these playoffs, I hope it was the last third of the last game of the World Series….Feels like yesterday I was watching my beloved Brooklyn Dodgers beat the Yankees in the 1955 series and proposing to my then second wife. Or was it third?…. Thank you, Cliff Lee, for such a tremendous 2008 performance. You have the same name as the computer tech guy in my building that told me I don’t need to wear a baseball cap covered in aluminum foil for good television reception. Goodbye to my telly cap!…. Why don’t blueberries come in other colors? Redberries sound delicious!…. Yesterday I got into an elevator with all-time great, Jeff Reardon. He will make you laugh!….The more I think about it, the more I appreciate spoons….Tough break for the Brewers and their fans, but you can’t blame their skipper, Dale Sveum. Those last twelve games of the season that he managed were the most courageous managed games I’ve ever seen…. I love to eat at Popeye’s!…. With the Rays performance in 2008, I think the Pirates have to be early favorites in ’09…. Why does wood get so dusty?…. Have you seen “Nights in Rodanthe?” Three words, Gere meet Oscar…. Where did I put my reading glasses? I think this keyboard’s written in Chinese!….

Hello, fantasy baseball fans in America and abroad! I can’t believe the season is almost half over. Or is it half-full?…. Aren’t the Rangers something? Milton Bradley should add “Fun For All Ages” at the end of his name…. Why can’t Josh Hamilton play every position and call himself a PitCatch1st2nd3rdShortOutman?…. I’m going to live in a bubble so I reach my 200s…. Willie Randolph’s tenure was short but dignified just like Mickey Rooney…. Was anyone else surprised Miguel Tejada made news for lying about his age? Maybe my third wife had a right to be mad…How come they don’t describe tall players like Chris Young as statuesque?…..Go see Sex In The City. Sarah Jessica Parker is enchanted and I like her nose!… Maybe the Middle East should have Jim Leyland coach it through bad times…. I’d like to make a Fearless Award and give it to Jim Eisenreich….I wonder how you say sprained foot in Taiwanese. I bet it sounds delicious…. Joe Torre just called and said L.A. fans are the greatest in the world…. I think there should be Mount Rushmore for Michael Bourn, Juan Pierre and Willy Taveras — they’re fast!…. Why can’t the cable company call me when I’m not home?…. No, I don’t want any additional stations…. Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a post for Razzball.com…. I thought you were Torre calling back to say something else insightful…. I ran into Antonio Banderas the other day, he’s hilarious…. Acorns are my favorite part of trees…. Okay, I’m hanging up on the cable company now…. My fantasy baseball team’s name is Jews Dig The Long Ball and it’s led by Ryan Braun and Ryan Zimmerman…. Why isn’t every color blue?…. I’d love to get stuck in an elevator with Sean Casey and Carol Channing. What a hoot that would be!…. Don’t you think they should go back in time and change the name of marshmallows to yummy-yum-yums?…. Mad About You is the only show I’ll never tire of. If Paul Reiser were a baseball player, he’d be Jorge Cantu because of his inability to do anything wrong….Are grapes and olives related in any way?

Hello, fantasy baseball fans in America and abroad! Hope your teams are doing better than mine – I keep forgetting that the Dodgers no longer play in a hitter’s park….Am I the only one who gets Grady Sizemore and Brady Anderson mixed up?….One of my favorite players is David Ortiz because we have so much in common – bad knees, we’re older than we claim, and we both like being called Big Papi….Glad to see David Eckstein land in Toronto – I just hope they keep the dome closed during day games to protect his skin….Forget Hollywood, the best director of a cast of characters in LA is Joe Torre. I drafted all four Dodgers OFs just to be a part of it….CC Sabathia’s starts remind me of my prostate exams – I keep hoping for a happy ending but I just end up coughing and looking to the side….Am I the only one that gets Cracker Jack and Crunch ‘n Munch mixed up?….Sorry Mr. Westbrook but the best Jake pitching today is Jake Peavy….SF’s Brian Bocock is the best amateur middle infielder I’ve seen since Billy Crystal….The most insightful Baseball Tonight personality is John Kruk – boy am I glad he’s not in my fantasy baseball league….second most insightful Baseball tonight personality is a 14-way tie….I feel bad for Chad Cordero and Joe Borowski as I lose things all the time too….If Michael Bourn and Carl Crawford ran a race, I’d recommend that the spectators not blink…..Am I the only one that gets Jose Mesa and Jose Valverde mixed up?…..If managing baseball is like a game of chess, Dusty Baker is a Grandmaster…..The only thing hotter than the weather and the women in Arizona are the trio of Brandon Webb, Dan Haren, and Micah Owings…they go as well together as my face and a pair of fake knockers….

Greetings fellow fantasy baseball enthusiasts! Let me fill you in on a little secret – I’ve been dominating my leagues since I spent a 10th round pick on a young Rogers Hornsby. Chase Utley might not hit .400 like Hornsby but he makes up for it in moxie….My favorite three nicknames in baseball are Boof, Pronk, and Melky…I wouldn’t trade Johan Santana for all the Little Leaguers in China….Talking about baseball fantasies, whatever happened to Morgana the Kissing Bandit?….I think some people are scared off of fantasy baseball because of terms like sabermetrics and WHIP…The most underrated Ray in Tampa Bay is my grade school chum and stickballer extraordinaire Ray Abbandando. Sandy Koufax avoided pitching to him like he was food on Yom Kippur…I nearly crapped my pants when I heard Albert Pujols had a high grade tear in his elbow but that doesn’t say much….I had Renteria once – nothing Penicillin and a trade couldn’t fix….If I was a scout in Latin America, I’d just sign every player named Cabrera or Ramirez….Look up ‘consistent’ in Baseball Prospectus and you’ll see a picture of Brad Ausmus….I don’t care what his middle initial is, there is no better nine-stat contributor than Chris Young…..Frank Thomas doesn’t look a day over 30….Say what you will but Miguel Tejada brought some class to the position of Oriole SS….If I could pick a coach for my fantasy team, it would be Clint Hurdle….The reason behind Eric Byrnes’s breakout season: suspenders….The best draft strategy is to go to the bathroom beforehand….I’ll say this about steroids. If baseball had the same-sized problem with asteroids, there would be a lot more domed stadiums…Best sleeper pick of all time was Nap Lajoie in 1901…