Fantasy Baseball Advice

USA Today may no longer appreciate the insights shared by Larry King in his long-running column but we at Razzball were thrilled when he accepted our invitation to share his thoughts on Fantasy Baseball….

It’s 2011 and I haven’t been more excited to start a fantasy baseball season since Babe Ruth gained OF eligibility….I’d like to pass Miguel Cabrera some advice I once got from Ann Margaret at Art Garfunkel’s ‘Carnal Knowledge‘-themed New Year’s party – “Easy there, Tiger”…My friend Tony Gugliotta from Brooklyn is drafting J.P. Arencibia because he reminds him of his favorite pasta sauce. Guess he’s saying ciao to Francisco Cervelli…..The Angels sure like fishing for talent…first Tim Salmon, now Mike Trout….if I was playing in front of an Angels scout, I’d change my name to Larry Gefilte….My good friend Fred Wilpon is no sucker, but if he was, he’d be a Charms….Since when did the Braves start playing in Atlanta?….Whenever I hear the song ‘Deep in the Heart of Texas’, I think of Michael Young….Whenever I see LOL I think of Mickey Lolich’s boisterous laugh…My wife and I play this game where we use a rhyming baseball player’s name for a word like ‘Not Robb Nen’ for ‘Not again’ or ‘Joel Skinner time’ for ‘Dinner time’…..Boy does she hate it when I say ‘Something smells funny in my Duane Kuiper’….Dontrelle Willis might not be a major-league caliber pitcher anymore but he’s an all-star gentleman in my book….The guy who invented WHIP must have been as smart as one….I’m afraid to leave my door open this Passover seder in fear that Elijah Dukes will come and eat all the horseradish….Why do you wear a tie to eat French food but you don’t wear a beret to eat Thai food?….I would consider trading in my suspenders for San Francisco 1B prospect Brandon Belt….I feel for Yankee fans as I know how it feels to put your faith in a damaged Colon….I think Eat Pray Love was just one shower scene away from an Oscar nomination….How would we know if a switch-hitter was actually identical twins?…You can’t spell Will Venable without winable….I had dinner last night with Oriole/Angel great Doug DeCinces – he’s such a stand-up guy that all the letters in his last name should be capitalized….I already miss Bobby Cox and Joe Torre.  I pitched MLB.com a talk show with the two of them called Cox-Torre and they were a-giggle at the possibilities…How come Subway doesn’t carry pumpernickel bread?…If you combined Don Sutton’s perm with new HOFer Bert Blyleven’s beard, you’d have one sexy man….The Padres may have Cantu but, with Chone Figgins and Brendan Ryan, the Mariners have “can do”….Did you hear about this high school pitcher with two artificial legs….if heart were legs, he’d be a caterpillar….You have to figure that either Roy Halladay or Roy Oswalt is named after Brooklyn Dodger great Roy Campanella, right?…Who’d have thought there’d be three catchers named Molina before the next Yogi?…I won’t wear fur but I’d make an exception for Minka Kelly…I think Matt Stairs is a professional human being…If you don’t think Angel owner Cesar Romero made a wise move by trading for the incomparable Vernon Wells then the joke is on you….I wish I could change wives as quickly as Javier Vazquez changes teams….Great joke I heard from my pal Morty – what does the Reds first baseman and Angie Dickinson have in common…they both make you say Votto-voom!

USA Today might no longer appreciate the insights shared by Larry King in his long-running column but we at Razzball were thrilled when he accepted our invitation to share his thoughts on Fantasy Baseball….

Greetings friends, acquaintances and ex-wives!  Congratulations to the San Francisco Giants!  I can’t wait to see your parade where you celebrate your pride….  How about the fact that whomever won Bengie Molina was guaranteed a ring?  That reminds me of my 4th marriage….  I’m so happy for Cody Ross’ family.  His great-great-great grandmother was a wonderful woman and a hell of a seamstress….  I once bought a day old bagel and cracked a tooth.  Since then “I feared the schmeared….”  Some of you might have saw the great matriarch, Barbara Bush, at game four.  She wasn’t keeping score, we were doing some old school texting…  I do wish both teams could’ve won the World Series.  Then some of my hedge bets would’ve made sense….  I just don’t understand Paranormal Activity 2.  Why don’t they just buy a nightlight?… You know what never gets old?  A conversation with my doorman…. The sales people at Best Buy are so knowledgeable.  They knew exactly why I was feeling a jolt every time I used my universal remote.  Will have to have Dr. Kapawitz look at my pacemaker….   Michael Jackson would be so happy to see his parents raise his children…. Does anyone know where I put my pants?… Isn’t it crazy the way Angelenos talk?  It’s all Spanish to me!  Ah, there’s my pants, on the ol’ gams like they should be….  Where’s Bob Newhart been?  He stole my hand soaps….   Youtube looks like a Kenyan name….

USA Today might no longer appreciate the insights shared by Larry King in his long-running column but we at Razzball were thrilled when he accepted our invitation to share his thoughts on Fantasy Baseball….

Greetings friends, acquaintances and ex-wives!  Wow, another baseball season is in the books!  I’d like to tip my hat to Joe Girardi.  If I had a son, I’d name him Joegirardi King… I haven’t been this excited for a Yankees win since the Civil War… Don’t worry, Philadelphia – at least you still have that delicious cream cheese….  The last game reminded me of the time I had lunch with Wolf Blitzer.  I fell asleep during both…. I wish there were fjords in Kansas…. The only thing new Cardinal hitting instructor Mark McGwire has to apologize for is his killer smile…. I hope Cole Hamels’ mom teaches him a thing or two about spunk… If I threw a party, I’d invite Carlos Ruiz and ask him how he squats behind the plate.  My knees don’t work so good anymore… I was enchanted by Sandra Bullock’s performance in All About Steve.  When she does an accent, Oscar says, “Yes!”… I don’t think Chone Figgins is going to leave the Angels because it’ll take too long to teach everyone at another stadium to say his name correctly… Why can’t I find my pajamas?  I’m cold…. The best restaurant on the Upper East Side is the alleyway behind Le Cirque where the bus boys hang out and smoke… I’m bucknaked as I type this, and I’m not typing with my fingers… Where has Celine Dion been? I’m dying for a music-inspired soundtrack for James Cameron’s latest, Avatar…  Speaking of which, am I the only one that wants to pronounce it Ava Tar?… If Sean Casey is the Mayor, then Mark Grace is the Comptroller… The player I most identify with in the Major Leagues is Manny Ramirez…We both are from a New York borough…We both use erectile dysfunction pills…We both pee at inappropriate times…. Ah, there’s my pajamas, who put them in the microwave?…. The Pirates fans better get their season tickets early, you got Akinori Iwamura now!  I regretted not buying a baseball team until watching Frank McCourt’s ordeal.  Such a shame as Angela’s Ashes is one of my favorite books of all time.  Let’s just hope that Peter and Maya Angelos stay together…

USA Today might no longer appreciate the insights shared by Larry King in his long-running column but we at Razzball were thrilled when he accepted our invitation to share his thoughts on Fantasy Baseball….

Greetings fantasy baseballers!  I’m tingling all over and I hope it’s because of fantasy baseball…Am I the only one that wants to call that Ranger kid Nelson Cruz Jr?  I sure hope he names his son Nelson.  Or Caribbean….. If hustling on the baseball field cost 5 cents, Marco Scutaro would have to stock up on nickels…… Don’t worry about Brian McCann – I sent him to my opthamologist Dr. Schneweiss…… I’m glad I don’t own any bases because I’d be afraid Carl Crawford would steal them……. Mr. Rollins may be slumping but he still puts the Jimmies on my baseball sundae….. Am I the only one that wants to call that pitcher on the Cardinals Adam Wainwright III?…. Is goosenfeffer a word?….. The Nats bullpen is equal opportunity these days – it must make President Obama happy….Fare thee well, Jim Bowden.  You are a 5-tool human being in my book……Speaking of GMs, wouldn’t it be funny if there was one named Ford?  Or Chrysler?  Or Lenny?……Am I the only one that wants to call the Florida middle reliever Pope Leo X Nunez?…..Pronounce it tomato or tomahto – it still makes for a delicious juice….. If I was Edinson Volquez’s teammate, I’d nickname him Crazy Eddie because his lack of control is insane. I’d nickname Aaron Harang “Wolfgang” because Mozart loved a good rhyme….. I breathed a big sigh of relief when Casey Kotchman tested negative for swine flu….. I finally found the MLB Network on my cable box and I love it.  Harold Reynolds must be drinking from the Fountain of Couth…… Am I the only one that wants to call Cardinals pitcher/lawyer Mitchell Boggs and ask him to take my 5th wife out of the will?….. That new Yankee Stadium is something.  I got box seats behind the plate and, before I knew it, I was sitting in the right-field bleachers……. You know why people shortened doughnut to donut?  Because there’s nothing ‘ugh’ about them…..

USA Today might no longer appreciate the insights shared by Larry King in his long-running column but we at Razzball were thrilled when he accepted our invitation to share his thoughts on Fantasy Baseball….

Hello, fantasy baseball fans, in America and abroad! Can you believe another season is over? Way to go, Philadelphia Phillies! One story of the World Series that was under reported is the size of Ben Zobrist’s hands. They’re tiny!…. Philly may be The City of Brotherly Love, but Tampa is definitely The City of the Classy Waitress. Not one sideways glance when you leave a 12% tip….If you only saw one game these playoffs, I hope it was the last third of the last game of the World Series….Feels like yesterday I was watching my beloved Brooklyn Dodgers beat the Yankees in the 1955 series and proposing to my then second wife. Or was it third?…. Thank you, Cliff Lee, for such a tremendous 2008 performance. You have the same name as the computer tech guy in my building that told me I don’t need to wear a baseball cap covered in aluminum foil for good television reception. Goodbye to my telly cap!…. Why don’t blueberries come in other colors? Redberries sound delicious!…. Yesterday I got into an elevator with all-time great, Jeff Reardon. He will make you laugh!….The more I think about it, the more I appreciate spoons….Tough break for the Brewers and their fans, but you can’t blame their skipper, Dale Sveum. Those last twelve games of the season that he managed were the most courageous managed games I’ve ever seen…. I love to eat at Popeye’s!…. With the Rays performance in 2008, I think the Pirates have to be early favorites in ’09…. Why does wood get so dusty?…. Have you seen “Nights in Rodanthe?” Three words, Gere meet Oscar…. Where did I put my reading glasses? I think this keyboard’s written in Chinese!….