@HornyOldGuy Did you get that pic I sent you? I LOL’d really hard. They’ll put anything on cats!

—————————————————————–

@EricKarabell I haven’t checked my email today. Trying to get this cellphone to work. Hello? Oh, wait, I was typing that.

—————————————————————–

@EricKarabell Please forward. Manny loves to laugh!

—————————————————————–

@OldHornyGuy Did you get those preseason rankings I went over?

—————————————————————–

Go Sox!

—————————————————————–

@EricKarabell Seems like I messed something up when I downloaded the new Aguilera ringtone. Things were much simply when I was writing for Married With Children, Crocodile Dundee II, et al.

—————————————————————–

@OldHornyGuy Did you get those rankings?

—————————————————————–

@TristanCockcroft There’s proper channels for unsolicited submissions.

—————————————————————–

@OldHornyGuy I write for ESPN.

—————————————————————–

@EricKarabell How did they get the sombrero on the cat?!

—————————————————————–

@I’mMannyYou’reNot Those cats are muy hilarity! Do you think they are safe?

—————————————————————–

@BuryingDwarvesOneDwarfAtATime Pedro! Are you going to get traded back to the Sox? We miss you.

—————————————————————–

@EricKarabell Can I send my rankings to you?

—————————————————————–

@I’mMannyYou’reNot I think they use glue.

—————————————————————–

What up, Manny y Pedro?! If there are two things I love, it’s the Red Sox and cats.

—————————————————————–

This just in. The Yankees are going to offer Mr Whiskers, that tabby cat, $120 million over 5 years.

—————————————————————–

That is a slap a lapper!

—————————————————————–

@Dick Vitale Forget about the cats. Let’s talk about the Oakland RAY-DAS. The FROZEN TUNDRA of Lambeau Field. Rumblin’… stumblin’…He COULD…GO…ALL..THE…Hey, you’re with me, leather….

—————————————————————–

Uh-oh. Someone forgot to turn off the Bermatron 2000.

—————————————————————–

Correction. That was CC Sabathia.

—————————————————————–

You people all suck.

—————————————————————–

@TristanCockcroft You’re not going to get hired with that attitude.

—————————————————————–

@HornyOldGuy Worked for me.

—————————————————————–

@SkipBayless Are you David Caruso?

On my way back from a charity fundraiser for koalas who are addicted to pot (This is why koalas sleep 23 hours a day!), I started thinking about the ways I could make this a better world — in addition to the koala relief work. Do I open a pet cemetery in the shape of a giant toilet bowl? Do I manufacture yarmulkes with curly locks attached to the side? Or should I just point out ESPN’s top fantasy analyst, Eric Karabell’s misuse of brains?

As always, you need to be an ESPN Hindsighter™ to fully appreciate Karabell’s dumbitude, but I’ll cut and paste the relevant twigs and berries.

McLouth might or might not have hit the proverbial wall, but you don’t hear his name associated with fantasy MVP honors anymore, not after he’s hit .248 with nine home runs since June 1.

Might or might not have hit the proverbial wall. Hmm… Picture you sit down at a fine dining establishment — no, not Denny’s — and you ask the waiter if the Soup of the Day is any good. Now imagine the waiter says, “It might or might not be good.” Mommy, where’s Daddy? Erica, Daddy’s out hedging his bets. Then the next part about Fantasy MVP is pretty easy thing for him to say about McLouth, until you realize he was the one crowning McLouth Fantasy MVP back in May. I like to call this dish, “The Best Pile of Macaroni Salad You Will Ever Taste, Until I Point To Another Pile of Macaroni Salad and Say It’s Better.” It goes really well with “The Most Robust Wine You Will Drink Until You Have This Other One.” Am I the only one who’s stumped by this Jenga building of logic?

The Japanese import (Fukudome) is owned in far too many leagues for the numbers he’s supplying.

He was the one telling everyone to pickup Fukudome. Or did an evil cyborg take over Karabell’s human skin and give that advice? Or is there a tiny alien inside Karabell’s human skin and he hasn’t figured out the controls yet for the brain?

For the final month, (Jay Bruce’s) OK and should, along with Joey Votto, hit some home runs, but neither guy is tearing it up. Votto has hit .320 since the All-Star break, but with only two home runs. Other Reds with two home runs since the break include Corey Patterson, Javier Valentin and recent callup Chris Dickerson. Bruce has hit eight home runs since then, but the .240 batting average negates quite a bit of it.

He told you he was this year’s Ryan Braun. The Ryan Braun of numbers we see hardly never — even if we go back to the days of The Tin Lizzie and when people called their friends, contemporaries? Yeah, that Ryan Braun.

Okay, here’s ESPN’s fantasy coverage. Appetizer — McLouth will be the best hitter of this season, bar none. Entree — McLouth will have some struggles, but this is a horse you wanna ride. Dessert — I just shat into a dirty ashtray and you ate it. Hey, Karabell, go get your shinebox!

Yours,

Hater

Then Karabell pokes his finger around in Bush to see if it moves. There’s some life there, but how many people can you put in this schmohawk while Jeremy Guthrie is owned in 32.9% of ESPN leagues? Guthrie has 17 Quality Starts. Haren is tops in all of baseball with 19. Since he pimped out his Bush, ten runs in 19 innings. Sweet! The crux of his argument is that Bush is all right by him, but he should be played home and away by Yost. Yeah, double your trouble — literally.  Moving on before I fall into an idiotic coma.

His next post title was, “Ortiz, Chipper, Liriano, weekend watch.” David Ortiz, his choice for AL MVP (seriously, you can’t make up shizz this stupid), was predicted to absolutely go off as soon as he returned from the DL. 1 HR, 6 RBIs since his return three weeks ago. Okay, that works. Cool. Now if I can figure out how to get Matt Holliday into every other hitting spot on my team, I’ll be all set. Thanks. Then he went on to say Jeff Baker was an absolute add. “(Jeff Baker) is hardly a fluke, and the fact he’s hitting .522 since the break and .400 in the No. 2 spot in the order aren’t things suddenly about to end.” Jeff Baker is in a 3-for-36 slump and has been benched in three of the last six games. Awesome! Maybe I can slot him into my Utility slot when Ortiz isn’t playing.

I’ll leave you with this last piece of Eric Karabell anti-advice, “I would never sit Ryan Sweeney of the A’s, assuming he could stay healthy. He takes walks, hits doubles and steals bases. I’d like to see him get 500 at-bats.” Rather than have you look up his stats, I’ll just give them to you. In 272 at-bats, he is 36/3/36/.294/8. Over 500 at-bats, that makes Randy Winn seem exciting. How do I get into a league with Karabell? I can see it now, “What do you think about Ryan Sweeney for Arod?” “Hater, that sounds like a go picture!”  What an effin’ jackfruit. Until next time… Karabell, go get your shinebox!

Karabaloney decided to play with his Speak and Spell again as the ESPN “experts” went over their top 340 for the 2nd half rankings. There’s so many things here that make me long for a decent feedback form on the ESPN page that sometimes I find myself filling in the random restaurant comment card with Karabell suggestions:

The dash of cinnamon on the lamb was not lost on me. Delicate enough for taste, but not too fragrant. Now if you can only explain ranking Michael Cuddyer at 181!

So Kosuke Fukudome was ranked 112 overall using ESPN’s mathematical ranking system:

Jack Daniels(Radio Shack calculator)²= Top 340 Fantasy Baseball Players.

Karabell in his infinitesimal wisdom ranked Fukudome 102. Here’s the Karalogic:

Whille Fukudome hasn’t been quite what we thought, let’s remember this is his first year in the states. I think he’ll hit for a better average in the second half since he does take walks and has seen what stuff MLB pitchers have. Plus, let’s not underestimate what a .300 average is worth. It’s underrated, especially since I see him ending the year there, which means he hits .320 or so over the final two months. I see him ending up with 15 homers and 15 steals, which, combined with a good batting average, makes him near a top-100 player.

You need a Bachelors in Stupidity to fully understand this, but luckily I have my Masters in Throwing Out the Karabage. Let’s see, underestimate what a .300 average is worth? It’s worth .300, right? So he’s helping you about as much as who? Skip Schumaker? Excuse me while I yawn. That’s assuming Fukudome doesn’t continue to nosedive in average as he’s currently doing.

What if he’s more than his overly optimistic .300 average. Let’s say Fukudome gives you a little bit of everything. That’s more vauable, isn’t it? It sure is. So let’s look at the most comparable player, David Dejesus. (Actually, he’s not completely comparable because he did better than Fukudome in the 1st half, but let’s say he is comparable.) If Karabell said Fukudome should be at 102, where’s Dejesus on the list? Dead last at 340. Well, that makes sense. Yo, Karabell, go get your shinebox!

People who draft a team, then abandon it should be taken into a San Fernando Valley warehouse and turned into a spit cup. Why are you using Yahoo or ESPN to practice your drafting? You can’t use one of the sites that are available to do Mock Drafts? There’s even a site called, Mock Draft Central! You can’t work Google to find it? What, there’s a restraining order between you and smart? Or you just get off on randomly abandoning your teams and ruining everyone else in that league’s season? How about I abandon your stupid ass in the City of God? Your head will be a fútbol, you cross-eyed, nipple sucker. You know what’s really disgraceful? Self-proclaimed fantasy experts who abandon their team in self-proclaimed expert leagues. That shows a pretty competitive streak. How about you let your kid beat you in Connect Four while you make dinner for your wife as she blows your neighbor? How about I Googlestalk your ass, move next door and fill-in for your neighbor? Too bad “Largest Vagina” isn’t a category. You and your wife could be tied for first. Now go get your shinebox!

Morrow should keep the closer job at least another month, pass Putz and save 15 games. Just don’t cut Putz, as he could end up with 15 saves as well.

Brandon Morrow has 6 saves right now for the Mariners, easily the worst team this side of the Potomac. Last week, Morrow suffered from back spasms causing him to miss some time. Morrow is pitching well, but he’s going to save 15 games in a month? The Mariners won’t win 15 games this month. Then Putz is going to return for 15 saves? Seriously, this wouldn’t make sense to a foreign exchange student who never heard of fantasy baseball or English. This is like a new level of stupid. I’m moving on before my ability to think straight is somehow hampered.

Todd Jones has a little hiccup from time to time, but we all know that, so why does a single Joel Zumaya save get everyone so excited?

Cause Todd Jones sucks. Okay, moving on.

Borowski sticks around and gets 12 more saves the rest of the way, finishing at 18.

This was written the day Borowski was removed from the job as closer. Not even the day before. I guess we’re lucky it wasn’t written the day after knowing Karabell’s reading comprehension. Erica Karabell, “Daddy, read to me The Baby-Sitter’s Club!” Eric, “Ask Mommy. Daddy’s playing tic-tac-toe with Matthew Berry.”

Look for Street to continue his success and end up with 33 saves.

Blame Karabell when Street’s traded into a setup role in a week.

Jenks is well protected by a number of pitchers who are ownable in fantasy, so leads will keep coming his way, and he’ll save 38 games.

Not even a mention that Jenks has been bothered by back pain. This pretty much confirms Jenks will continue to have problems. Prepare for Linebrink to be the closer by next week.

Hey, guys, did you know when you press seven numbers on this thing they call a “phone,” you can talk to people that aren’t in the same room as you?

Oh, wait, Karabell didn’t say that. It just seems like he should. Now get the crayons outta your mouth, Karabell, and go get your shinebox!

EricKarabell @TristanCockcroft Love those pics you emailed me. Can’t believe the stuff they get to sit on top of cats. about 2 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @BillSimmons Hey, not sure if you got my last emails, but REALLY liked your “The Mag” piece. Write back, dude! about 3 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @RobNeyer Saw that piece on Burrell. I know you follow those saber-whatchamacallits, but I think it’s too early to make a call on Burrell’s chances in the Hall. Not too many people know this, but he sacrifices his natural speed so the average fan can blink while watching him. about 4 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @BusterOlney Your St. Louis Post-Dispatch link about Adam Kennedy getting a game in at first crashed my browser. about 5 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @BillSimmons So I’m going to Espys… Prolly! Are U? If so, I was wondering if you wanted to hang before. I told my wife you can get us in to see a movie premiere. I want to see something funny, she wants to see anything with Ryan Gosling. Ha! about 6 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry Did you really mean what you said at lunch? Because I would never say Brad Evans is a better fantasy baseball expert than you. about 7 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry Okay, I just realized that you can see what I write to other people. Sorry about saying I wouldn’t give your phone number out to any attractive female. I hope she calls you! about 8 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry Hello? You there? Is this about the Doumit thing? Cause there’s no hard feelings about the rankings on my end. I just thought Ryan Doumit shouldn’t have been top hundred. Hope you’re not really mad. about 9 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @JaysonStark I think Berry is mad at me. I can’t believe I even bothered to give our El Torito waitress his phone number. He said I should give it to any attractive female, but I’m not going to anymore. It’s not my fault he lost his wingman, Harold Reynolds. about 10 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry I get the sense you’re mad at me. Is this about leaving you off that El Torito Evite? It was a couples thing. about 11 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @JaysonStark Erica and I had such a good time last night at El Torito. Definitely should do it again. about 12 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry I got this great idea for a screenplay. It’s Rounders in the world of fantasy baseball. Do you think your agent would be interested? You around to discuss? about 13 hours ago from web

After a few weeks, he says Jay Bruce is going to be this year’s Braun. Yes, I realize Jay Bruce is the only known offspring of Superman and Wonder Woman, but Braun’s numbers last year were a once in a lifetime deal. To say a hitter, who majored in striking out in the minors, is going to match Braun is dangerous hyperbole.

Later, when Karabell says he’s totally on board with Josh Hamilton, it scares the beejezus out of me, because I have Hamilton on a few teams where Josh has carried the offense and I need him to keep producing. Why would that giant melonhead jinx Hamilton? Ugh. Don’t worry, we shouldn’t pay too much credence to any of this because he listed Nate McLouth as a possible sell-high guy. That’s right, a week after he said McLouth would win his fictitious Fantasy MVP. Hey, Karabell, go get your shinebox!

McLouth isn’t running very much, but I think he will, and he’s looking like a 25-homer guy, at least. Like Florida’s Ramirez, he’s no longer leading off, he’s hitting third. This is legit.

Then he puts Berkman at number one. I won’t argue necessarily with that (I could; I just won’t), but listen to this turd nugget:

When Berkman slows down a bit, literally and figuratively, I think McLouth will pass him on this list…

Wow. I can’t imagine he’s not throwing darts at a board. Literally and figuratively. A) McClouth’s hitting third on the Pirates and in that lineup spot he has zero home runs. B) McClouth was a career .248 hitter coming into 2008. C) He isn’t running much, but he will is probably true, but to rank him number two overall on a promise of more steals is asinine. D) I’m moving on before I shove my head into a blender.

Then Karabell lists his fantasy Cy Young candidates. Edinson Volquez comes in 2nd. Now I have Volquez on a lot of teams, so I don’t want to jinx him too bad and this was covered the other day, I’ll just say Volquez is pitching a wee bit over his head right now. The real turd nugget Karabell pinched off was by drinking the Cliff Lee Kool-Aid, who he placed number one:

I think he threatens for 20 wins and keeps his season ERA around 2.50. To me, that doesn’t make him a prime sell-high.

Lee will probably be over 2.50 by June 15th. Granted, Karabell wrote that three days before Lee’s outing where he gave up six runs in five innings. So does that excuse his stupidity? No, it illustrates it. Not to mention, Lee and Volquez placed in front of Webb, who Karabell just listed as the number one overall fantasy baseball player. Not just pitcher. I’m going to now paper cut my eyelids then submerge my face into a shark tank.