@HornyOldGuy Did you get that pic I sent you? I LOL’d really hard. They’ll put anything on cats!

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@EricKarabell I haven’t checked my email today. Trying to get this cellphone to work. Hello? Oh, wait, I was typing that.

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@EricKarabell Please forward. Manny loves to laugh!

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@OldHornyGuy Did you get those preseason rankings I went over?

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Go Sox!

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@EricKarabell Seems like I messed something up when I downloaded the new Aguilera ringtone. Things were much simply when I was writing for Married With Children, Crocodile Dundee II, et al.

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@OldHornyGuy Did you get those rankings?

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@TristanCockcroft There’s proper channels for unsolicited submissions.

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@OldHornyGuy I write for ESPN.

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@EricKarabell How did they get the sombrero on the cat?!

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@I’mMannyYou’reNot Those cats are muy hilarity! Do you think they are safe?

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@BuryingDwarvesOneDwarfAtATime Pedro! Are you going to get traded back to the Sox? We miss you.

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@EricKarabell Can I send my rankings to you?

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@I’mMannyYou’reNot I think they use glue.

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What up, Manny y Pedro?! If there are two things I love, it’s the Red Sox and cats.

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This just in. The Yankees are going to offer Mr Whiskers, that tabby cat, $120 million over 5 years.

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That is a slap a lapper!

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@Dick Vitale Forget about the cats. Let’s talk about the Oakland RAY-DAS. The FROZEN TUNDRA of Lambeau Field. Rumblin’… stumblin’…He COULD…GO…ALL..THE…Hey, you’re with me, leather….

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Uh-oh. Someone forgot to turn off the Bermatron 2000.

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Correction. That was CC Sabathia.

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You people all suck.

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@TristanCockcroft You’re not going to get hired with that attitude.

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@HornyOldGuy Worked for me.

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@SkipBayless Are you David Caruso?

On my way back from a charity fundraiser for koalas who are addicted to pot (This is why koalas sleep 23 hours a day!), I started thinking about the ways I could make this a better world — in addition to the koala relief work. Do I open a pet cemetery in the shape of a giant toilet bowl? Do I manufacture yarmulkes with curly locks attached to the side? Or should I just point out ESPN’s top fantasy analyst, Eric Karabell’s misuse of brains?

As always, you need to be an ESPN Hindsighter™ to fully appreciate Karabell’s dumbitude, but I’ll cut and paste the relevant twigs and berries.

McLouth might or might not have hit the proverbial wall, but you don’t hear his name associated with fantasy MVP honors anymore, not after he’s hit .248 with nine home runs since June 1.

Might or might not have hit the proverbial wall. Hmm… Picture you sit down at a fine dining establishment — no, not Denny’s — and you ask the waiter if the Soup of the Day is any good. Now imagine the waiter says, “It might or might not be good.” Mommy, where’s Daddy? Erica, Daddy’s out hedging his bets. Then the next part about Fantasy MVP is pretty easy thing for him to say about McLouth, until you realize he was the one crowning McLouth Fantasy MVP back in May. I like to call this dish, “The Best Pile of Macaroni Salad You Will Ever Taste, Until I Point To Another Pile of Macaroni Salad and Say It’s Better.” It goes really well with “The Most Robust Wine You Will Drink Until You Have This Other One.” Am I the only one who’s stumped by this Jenga building of logic?

The Japanese import (Fukudome) is owned in far too many leagues for the numbers he’s supplying.

He was the one telling everyone to pickup Fukudome. Or did an evil cyborg take over Karabell’s human skin and give that advice? Or is there a tiny alien inside Karabell’s human skin and he hasn’t figured out the controls yet for the brain?

For the final month, (Jay Bruce’s) OK and should, along with Joey Votto, hit some home runs, but neither guy is tearing it up. Votto has hit .320 since the All-Star break, but with only two home runs. Other Reds with two home runs since the break include Corey Patterson, Javier Valentin and recent callup Chris Dickerson. Bruce has hit eight home runs since then, but the .240 batting average negates quite a bit of it.

He told you he was this year’s Ryan Braun. The Ryan Braun of numbers we see hardly never — even if we go back to the days of The Tin Lizzie and when people called their friends, contemporaries? Yeah, that Ryan Braun.

Okay, here’s ESPN’s fantasy coverage. Appetizer — McLouth will be the best hitter of this season, bar none. Entree — McLouth will have some struggles, but this is a horse you wanna ride. Dessert — I just shat into a dirty ashtray and you ate it. Hey, Karabell, go get your shinebox!

Yours,

Hater

Then Karabell pokes his finger around in Bush to see if it moves. There’s some life there, but how many people can you put in this schmohawk while Jeremy Guthrie is owned in 32.9% of ESPN leagues? Guthrie has 17 Quality Starts. Haren is tops in all of baseball with 19. Since he pimped out his Bush, ten runs in 19 innings. Sweet! The crux of his argument is that Bush is all right by him, but he should be played home and away by Yost. Yeah, double your trouble — literally.  Moving on before I fall into an idiotic coma.

His next post title was, “Ortiz, Chipper, Liriano, weekend watch.” David Ortiz, his choice for AL MVP (seriously, you can’t make up shizz this stupid), was predicted to absolutely go off as soon as he returned from the DL. 1 HR, 6 RBIs since his return three weeks ago. Okay, that works. Cool. Now if I can figure out how to get Matt Holliday into every other hitting spot on my team, I’ll be all set. Thanks. Then he went on to say Jeff Baker was an absolute add. “(Jeff Baker) is hardly a fluke, and the fact he’s hitting .522 since the break and .400 in the No. 2 spot in the order aren’t things suddenly about to end.” Jeff Baker is in a 3-for-36 slump and has been benched in three of the last six games. Awesome! Maybe I can slot him into my Utility slot when Ortiz isn’t playing.

I’ll leave you with this last piece of Eric Karabell anti-advice, “I would never sit Ryan Sweeney of the A’s, assuming he could stay healthy. He takes walks, hits doubles and steals bases. I’d like to see him get 500 at-bats.” Rather than have you look up his stats, I’ll just give them to you. In 272 at-bats, he is 36/3/36/.294/8. Over 500 at-bats, that makes Randy Winn seem exciting. How do I get into a league with Karabell? I can see it now, “What do you think about Ryan Sweeney for Arod?” “Hater, that sounds like a go picture!”  What an effin’ jackfruit. Until next time… Karabell, go get your shinebox!

Karabaloney decided to play with his Speak and Spell again as the ESPN “experts” went over their top 340 for the 2nd half rankings. There’s so many things here that make me long for a decent feedback form on the ESPN page that sometimes I find myself filling in the random restaurant comment card with Karabell suggestions:

The dash of cinnamon on the lamb was not lost on me. Delicate enough for taste, but not too fragrant. Now if you can only explain ranking Michael Cuddyer at 181!

So Kosuke Fukudome was ranked 112 overall using ESPN’s mathematical ranking system:

Jack Daniels(Radio Shack calculator)²= Top 340 Fantasy Baseball Players.

Karabell in his infinitesimal wisdom ranked Fukudome 102. Here’s the Karalogic:

Whille Fukudome hasn’t been quite what we thought, let’s remember this is his first year in the states. I think he’ll hit for a better average in the second half since he does take walks and has seen what stuff MLB pitchers have. Plus, let’s not underestimate what a .300 average is worth. It’s underrated, especially since I see him ending the year there, which means he hits .320 or so over the final two months. I see him ending up with 15 homers and 15 steals, which, combined with a good batting average, makes him near a top-100 player.

You need a Bachelors in Stupidity to fully understand this, but luckily I have my Masters in Throwing Out the Karabage. Let’s see, underestimate what a .300 average is worth? It’s worth .300, right? So he’s helping you about as much as who? Skip Schumaker? Excuse me while I yawn. That’s assuming Fukudome doesn’t continue to nosedive in average as he’s currently doing.

What if he’s more than his overly optimistic .300 average. Let’s say Fukudome gives you a little bit of everything. That’s more vauable, isn’t it? It sure is. So let’s look at the most comparable player, David Dejesus. (Actually, he’s not completely comparable because he did better than Fukudome in the 1st half, but let’s say he is comparable.) If Karabell said Fukudome should be at 102, where’s Dejesus on the list? Dead last at 340. Well, that makes sense. Yo, Karabell, go get your shinebox!

People who draft a team, then abandon it should be taken into a San Fernando Valley warehouse and turned into a spit cup. Why are you using Yahoo or ESPN to practice your drafting? You can’t use one of the sites that are available to do Mock Drafts? There’s even a site called, Mock Draft Central! You can’t work Google to find it? What, there’s a restraining order between you and smart? Or you just get off on randomly abandoning your teams and ruining everyone else in that league’s season? How about I abandon your stupid ass in the City of God? Your head will be a fútbol, you cross-eyed, nipple sucker. You know what’s really disgraceful? Self-proclaimed fantasy experts who abandon their team in self-proclaimed expert leagues. That shows a pretty competitive streak. How about you let your kid beat you in Connect Four while you make dinner for your wife as she blows your neighbor? How about I Googlestalk your ass, move next door and fill-in for your neighbor? Too bad “Largest Vagina” isn’t a category. You and your wife could be tied for first. Now go get your shinebox!

Morrow should keep the closer job at least another month, pass Putz and save 15 games. Just don’t cut Putz, as he could end up with 15 saves as well.

Brandon Morrow has 6 saves right now for the Mariners, easily the worst team this side of the Potomac. Last week, Morrow suffered from back spasms causing him to miss some time. Morrow is pitching well, but he’s going to save 15 games in a month? The Mariners won’t win 15 games this month. Then Putz is going to return for 15 saves? Seriously, this wouldn’t make sense to a foreign exchange student who never heard of fantasy baseball or English. This is like a new level of stupid. I’m moving on before my ability to think straight is somehow hampered.

Todd Jones has a little hiccup from time to time, but we all know that, so why does a single Joel Zumaya save get everyone so excited?

Cause Todd Jones sucks. Okay, moving on.

Borowski sticks around and gets 12 more saves the rest of the way, finishing at 18.

This was written the day Borowski was removed from the job as closer. Not even the day before. I guess we’re lucky it wasn’t written the day after knowing Karabell’s reading comprehension. Erica Karabell, “Daddy, read to me The Baby-Sitter’s Club!” Eric, “Ask Mommy. Daddy’s playing tic-tac-toe with Matthew Berry.”

Look for Street to continue his success and end up with 33 saves.

Blame Karabell when Street’s traded into a setup role in a week.

Jenks is well protected by a number of pitchers who are ownable in fantasy, so leads will keep coming his way, and he’ll save 38 games.

Not even a mention that Jenks has been bothered by back pain. This pretty much confirms Jenks will continue to have problems. Prepare for Linebrink to be the closer by next week.

Hey, guys, did you know when you press seven numbers on this thing they call a “phone,” you can talk to people that aren’t in the same room as you?

Oh, wait, Karabell didn’t say that. It just seems like he should. Now get the crayons outta your mouth, Karabell, and go get your shinebox!

EricKarabell @TristanCockcroft Love those pics you emailed me. Can’t believe the stuff they get to sit on top of cats. about 2 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @BillSimmons Hey, not sure if you got my last emails, but REALLY liked your “The Mag” piece. Write back, dude! about 3 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @RobNeyer Saw that piece on Burrell. I know you follow those saber-whatchamacallits, but I think it’s too early to make a call on Burrell’s chances in the Hall. Not too many people know this, but he sacrifices his natural speed so the average fan can blink while watching him. about 4 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @BusterOlney Your St. Louis Post-Dispatch link about Adam Kennedy getting a game in at first crashed my browser. about 5 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @BillSimmons So I’m going to Espys… Prolly! Are U? If so, I was wondering if you wanted to hang before. I told my wife you can get us in to see a movie premiere. I want to see something funny, she wants to see anything with Ryan Gosling. Ha! about 6 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry Did you really mean what you said at lunch? Because I would never say Brad Evans is a better fantasy baseball expert than you. about 7 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry Okay, I just realized that you can see what I write to other people. Sorry about saying I wouldn’t give your phone number out to any attractive female. I hope she calls you! about 8 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry Hello? You there? Is this about the Doumit thing? Cause there’s no hard feelings about the rankings on my end. I just thought Ryan Doumit shouldn’t have been top hundred. Hope you’re not really mad. about 9 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @JaysonStark I think Berry is mad at me. I can’t believe I even bothered to give our El Torito waitress his phone number. He said I should give it to any attractive female, but I’m not going to anymore. It’s not my fault he lost his wingman, Harold Reynolds. about 10 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry I get the sense you’re mad at me. Is this about leaving you off that El Torito Evite? It was a couples thing. about 11 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @JaysonStark Erica and I had such a good time last night at El Torito. Definitely should do it again. about 12 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry I got this great idea for a screenplay. It’s Rounders in the world of fantasy baseball. Do you think your agent would be interested? You around to discuss? about 13 hours ago from web

After a few weeks, he says Jay Bruce is going to be this year’s Braun. Yes, I realize Jay Bruce is the only known offspring of Superman and Wonder Woman, but Braun’s numbers last year were a once in a lifetime deal. To say a hitter, who majored in striking out in the minors, is going to match Braun is dangerous hyperbole.

Later, when Karabell says he’s totally on board with Josh Hamilton, it scares the beejezus out of me, because I have Hamilton on a few teams where Josh has carried the offense and I need him to keep producing. Why would that giant melonhead jinx Hamilton? Ugh. Don’t worry, we shouldn’t pay too much credence to any of this because he listed Nate McLouth as a possible sell-high guy. That’s right, a week after he said McLouth would win his fictitious Fantasy MVP. Hey, Karabell, go get your shinebox!

McLouth isn’t running very much, but I think he will, and he’s looking like a 25-homer guy, at least. Like Florida’s Ramirez, he’s no longer leading off, he’s hitting third. This is legit.

Then he puts Berkman at number one. I won’t argue necessarily with that (I could; I just won’t), but listen to this turd nugget:

When Berkman slows down a bit, literally and figuratively, I think McLouth will pass him on this list…

Wow. I can’t imagine he’s not throwing darts at a board. Literally and figuratively. A) McClouth’s hitting third on the Pirates and in that lineup spot he has zero home runs. B) McClouth was a career .248 hitter coming into 2008. C) He isn’t running much, but he will is probably true, but to rank him number two overall on a promise of more steals is asinine. D) I’m moving on before I shove my head into a blender.

Then Karabell lists his fantasy Cy Young candidates. Edinson Volquez comes in 2nd. Now I have Volquez on a lot of teams, so I don’t want to jinx him too bad and this was covered the other day, I’ll just say Volquez is pitching a wee bit over his head right now. The real turd nugget Karabell pinched off was by drinking the Cliff Lee Kool-Aid, who he placed number one:

I think he threatens for 20 wins and keeps his season ERA around 2.50. To me, that doesn’t make him a prime sell-high.

Lee will probably be over 2.50 by June 15th. Granted, Karabell wrote that three days before Lee’s outing where he gave up six runs in five innings. So does that excuse his stupidity? No, it illustrates it. Not to mention, Lee and Volquez placed in front of Webb, who Karabell just listed as the number one overall fantasy baseball player. Not just pitcher. I’m going to now paper cut my eyelids then submerge my face into a shark tank.

You need to start listening to some ’80s PE, and stop watching Flavor of Love. You need to get angry, quickfast. Put down the wine cooler and pick up a four-oh of OE. Stop holding your girlfriend’s pocketbook while she’s in the bathroom. Take her cash out of her wallet, drop the purse in the garbage and take the eighteen-year-old Wetzel’s Pretzels girl home and do her like Karabell’s been doing to his readers for the last seven years. You’re all to blame. Karabell et al is the meter maid who gave you a ticket while you ran into the store to get change. Karabell’s your eighth grade crush who asked your best friend to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Karabell’s your insecurity and that shizz is eating you alive. /rant

…with one month down, it’s no longer so big a gap (between leagues) that we should evaluate pitchers differently. The current league ERA in the NL is 4.07, and in the AL it’s 4.23. In 2007, it was also a small difference, 4.43 to 4.51. Maybe the designated hitter isn’t such a big deal anymore, eh?

Besides, using the word ‘eh,’ there’s about four hundred things wrong with this (you don’t draft entire staffs or entire leagues, you don’t draft every single middle man that is influencing these stats, you don’t start three of five starters in Citizen’s Bank or four of five in Coors, you draft maybe one Marlins starter, maybe two Pirates starters — I could go on, but I’m getting a tumor thinking about this.). So I’m going to focus on the most obvious:

The designated hitter isn’t such a big deal, eh? Who in their right mind would prefer to face a designated hitter instead of a pitcher? Heffin’ hey, are Karabell’s posts being written by Corky for Life Goes On? Sure, Karabell could shat on a piece of paper and win a FSWA.ORG award, but to say the DH is irrelevant is stoopid. (BTW, The FSWA has a mission statement. It’s akin to someone writing down rules for Rock, Paper, Scissors. Picture the FSWA getting together for drinks. “Hey, man, I’m not paying for your second colada!” “Figured I could sneak it through… Like I snuck Wade Boggs through in ’87!” *Belly laughs all around.* But I digress.) In 2007 (I’m going to ignore 2008′s stats because, unlike maybe Karabell, those are the stats I drafted with. Not to mention, one month of stats isn’t indicative of anything other than someone who doesn’t know how to sort stats correctly), the fourteen AL teams placed in the top fifteen teams for OPS for the ninth placed hitter. The only NL team that snuck in was the Cardinals. Why? Because LaRussa, who’s cracked out of his mind, batted the pitcher eighth. So with current DHs sucking up the suck pot, does this mean it’s easier to face them than the NL pitcher? C’mon, only Karabell would think that nonsense. Or another way to put this, Karabell’s off his meds.

Then Karabell talked a bit about how awful some DHs have hit thus far. Again, it’s only one month, but we’ll let Karabell play with his Speak & Spell. Frank Thomas was on his list. The same Frank Thomas who Karabell pegged as a big sleeper. Dude, I’m telling you, you can’t make this shizz up. It’s like Karabell is not a real person but an amalgamation (Word of the Day) of whatever the interns are talking about while they pickup Kruk’s lunch.

Someone else who was in this list, David Ortiz. Now I’m not sure how I even missed this one back in March, but Karabell described David Ortiz as his pick for AL MVP! (Sorry for the exclamation point, but I felt it was needed.) A DH who has off-season knee surgery is who he chooses? Seriously, this is ESPN’s top fantasy analyst. Did he forget when Ortiz had his best seasons people wouldn’t vote for him because he was a DH? Did Karabell call in his pick from Tijuana after a night of ‘ludes and donkey shows? When he chose Ortiz, was he eating a Sonic Coney that caused him to hallucinate? Does his high school bully still torment him and was giving him a noogie until he chose Ortiz? Please, someone explain this to me, cause I’m about to lose it. Meanwhile, Karabell, go get your shinebox!

Karabaloney ranks Gil Meche ahead of Zach Greinke, saying this:

Meche is not off to the same start as last year, of course, when his April ERA was 2.18, and if you remove that month from his 2007 ledger, his final ERA jumps from 3.67 to 4. Maybe he is just average. Isn’t that OK? I have no problem that he is, because Meche is relatively safe at the back end of a fantasy rotation. He’s the most experienced pitcher on the Royals staff, about the only one capable of strikeouts….

Now before you argue with that, he preceded that by saying:

Look, I won’t listen to any arguments about the current statistics. It’s just too early.

Well, that squashes anything anyone could possibly say.  Anyway, what Karabaloney says about it being early is true. So that makes it surprising when he takes Greinke’s early season stats and uses them as fact.

Greinke’s problem could be strikeout rate. It wasn’t an issue a year ago…

Greinke’s strikeout rate is also after three outings?! How is okay to look at Meche and say, “Hey, it’s early. He’s gonna be just fine. I bet my ugly face on it.”

Over 1000 innings, Meche’s major league strikeout rate is 6.38. Just under 500 innings, Greinke’s K/9 is 6.41.  Sure, it’s a smaller sample size but he’s five years younger and he went caca-cuckoo for a year so there’s less miles on his arm. Last year Greinke’s rate was probably a little high because of a lot of it came in middle relief, so what’s fair to say about both of these guys? Both of their K/9 is close to 6. That means Meche is not the only pitcher capable of strikeouts.

Also, Meche will walk more hitters than Greinke. Maybe none of this means anything to Karabaloney, but Meche’s career WHIP is 1.41. Greinke is 1.37.  Now is Meche safer because of his track record? It makes him more predictable, and if we look at his track record, it makes him pretty bleh. On the other hand, Greinke has upside. Will Greinke be a top twenty pitcher at the end of 2008? No, probably not, but to say Meche is better is just stoopid. Now go get your shinebox!

Roy Halladay – The ESPN ‘perts ranked him at 67. The rest of the free world ranks him at 99. You can’t say someone is overrated when you are the one overrating him?! Inconceivable! This would be like me saying Alex Gordon’s overrated after rating him sixty spots higher than everyone south of Canada and north of Mexico. Halladay may be good value at 99 because other than Ks, he has a proven track record of Wins, ERA, WHIP and injuries. He’s not in my top hundred for a reason.

Placido Polanco – The ESPN ‘perts ranked him 133. Everyone else ranked him at 163. This is akin to me saying I’m an overrated lay, even though I’m the only saying I’m good in bed. Polanco will guarantee you 90/7/65/.310/7 and a fifth place finish in your league. Try harder!

Travis Hafner – The World says 42. ESPN says 37. I said 34, and I thought I was overrating him. Hafner’s one of my risky picks because of his injury history and his position eligibility. I could understand if you passed him by, but to say he’s overrated… Ugh.

Bobby Abreu – Check out this Karabell turd nugget, “I bet most people who draft him think he can still be a 30/30 player. I do not.” Seriously, is it me or is Karabell The Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer? Abreu hasn’t come close to 30 homers in a while; does anyone actually believe they are getting a 30/30 guy? My projections were 120/15/110/.310/20. Sure doesn’t look like 30/30. Abreu hasn’t hit 30 homers since ’04 and has only recorded two 30 homer seasons in his career. Who’s expecting 30/30 at the age of 34? Seriously. crickets

What have we learned from this exercise? ESPN overrates players then dispatches their experts to tell us to be careful they’re overrated. Do yourself a favor and ignore ESPN. They will hurt you. And they’re owned by Disney. Do you need other reasons?

The Big Hurt isn’t young, has a limited ceiling and certainly isn’t the same player who put up Hall of Fame stats for more than a decade, but he’s hardly a bad option at this point. In fact, in one of the January drafts I had, Thomas was my 22nd-round pick, the second to last player I chose. I kept waiting and waiting and nobody wanted the guy. I was stacked on offense, and intended to use my utility spot for steals, but how could I turn down a shot at Thomas?

Utility spot filled with a diminishing-skills 40-year-old? This is mind numbing. Was Dave Roberts already off the board? How about Mike Schmidt? Greg Luzinski?

Karabaloney doesn’t say who was still on the board this late in the draft, but you absolutely have to take an upside guy (LaRoche, Kotchman, Votto, etc.) or round out your pitching with a quality middleman who might get you saves (Rodney, Broxton, Betancourt, etc.). If you take Frank Thomas, you’re just not trying hard enough or paying attention. The Big Limp is not hitting as many fly balls and his average is (updated) around .260 since 2001. Sure, he takes walks, but he should be lifted every time he gets on the basepaths. Watching him run is as painful as watching Claire Danes act. At age forty, if his career continues to decline (which there’s no reason to think it won’t), he’s lucky to go 22-80-.260 with a paltry 60 runs. As Rich Dad might say, that’s a liability not an asset. You’re welcome.

I know some people who rank Hanley No. 1, over A-Rod, and I don’t call them crazy. Too many fantasy owners simply, and lazily, look at the 2007 stats and assume that’s what they’re getting. This isn’t the case at all. You’re getting 2008 stats, for better or worse.

Some analysts simply, and lazily, refuse to take a side for fear they’ll be wrong. Hanley is not going to do what he did last year.

A) He doesn’t take enough walks. Stats here, if you don’t believe me.

B) He swings wildly and injures himself. From September, 2007:

The Associated Press is reporting Florida Marlins SS Hanley Ramirez fanned on a high fastball and winced in pain as he dropped the bat during his follow through during the Sept. 3 game against the Washington Nationals.

Later in that month:

The Palm Beach Post’s Joe Capozzi reports Florida Marlins SS Hanley Ramirez is considering having shoulder surgery in the offseason and won’t play winter ball.

In October:

Juan C. Rodriguez, of the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, reports Florida Marlins SS Hanley Ramirez underwent arthroscopic surgery on his left shoulder Wednesday, Oct. 3. Ramirez is not expected to be at full strength for the start of spring training.

C) The Marlins top paid player for 2008 is Jose Castillo. Hanley doesn’t even have Dontrelle to knock in anymore. Could Hanley try and do too much? He might.

Sure, Hanley is a bona fide talent. He can get you 20 homers and 40 steals, but he’s not as safe as Arod, Jose Reyes, Albert Pujols, David Wright, Jimmy Rollins or Chase Utley. Frankly, I might consider Peavy or Johan safer. You want safety with your first pick; Hanley is not it. He has too many question marks.

On Friday, November 30, 2007, at 12:26 PM, Blurry Blurred Name wrote:

prince fielder, his upside is as big as his backside. if he doesn’t hit at least 40 HRs, he’ll have hit 39 or less.

On Friday, November 30, 2007, at 11:29 AM, Blurry Blurred Name wrote:

crawford, 26, numbers probably won’t get better. at least not until the
new season.

On Friday, November 30, 2007, at 10:42 AM, Blurry Blurred Name wrote:

soriano. he could hit either 100 HRs and steal 200 bases or hit 25 HRs and steal 10 SBs. split the difference.

On Friday, November 30, 2007, at 10:07 AM, Blurry Blurred Name wrote:

if shandler plays 81 games at coors, i’m taking him!

On Friday, November 30, 2007, at 9:26 AM, Blurry Blurred Name wrote:

Drew Carey, 43, will kill himself like Ray Combs within five years.

1. Alex Rodriguez: Even with some statistical regression, you can’t go wrong.
2. Hanley Ramirez: Power and speed, and someday manning center field.
3. Jose Reyes: Nobody steals more bases, and he could reach 15 homers.
4. David Wright: No, he’s not moving to second base. He’ll still run.
5. Albert Pujols: And that was an off-year. He can put up A-Rod numbers.
6. Jimmy Rollins: Take the power down a notch, but still, fantastic.
7. Alfonso Soriano: Split the difference from ’06 and ’07.
8. Chase Utley: Now there are two top second basemen, but still.
9. Miguel Cabrera: And it’s not like Florida’s park has been good to him.
10. Matt Holliday: Can’t go wrong as long as he calls Coors home.
11. Carl Crawford: Extremely talented, even if this is the best he can do.
12. Vladimir Guerrero: It wouldn’t hurt to have lineup protection.
13. Johan Santana: Could make the case to put him in round one.
14. Ryan Howard: No reason why he can’t get back to 50 home runs.
15. Jake Peavy: Imagine the Cy Young race if Johan goes to NL!
16. Grady Sizemore: I don’t think he goes 30/30, but he could.
17. David Ortiz: With the knee fixed, the extra power resumes.
18. Ichiro Suzuki: A must-get if you plan on taking Adam Dunn later.
19. Prince Fielder: I still think Ryan Howard has more upside though.
20. Brandon Phillips: Time for everyone to believe this is legit.
21. Ryan Braun: With the steals, could make the case for round one.
22. Carlos Beltran: It’s not like he’s too old to steal some bases.
23. Mark Teixeira: Capable of hitting anywhere, and could hit 40.
24. Lance Berkman: Go middle infield first, and he’s still around later.
25. Carlos Lee: I admit he’s a steal this late. Look at his stats, and Vlad’s.

1. First off, Arod number #1. How’s that limb look, Karabull? Don’t want to venture out on it, eh? I wonder who he went out on a limb with last year, Pujols? I say take Reyes. But that will have to wait for a future column.

2. Hanley Ramirez is a bold pick for number two. Completely asinine, but bold nevertheless. Has anyone seen Hanley swing? Anyone worried about his shoulder that he hurts once a month when he swings? Yeah, me too.

3. If I see Jose Reyes at number three, I would take him gleefully. If the top two guys in your league skip Jose, they’re morons or they work for ESPN.

4. David Wright sucks donkey feces. Sure, he’ll get you 25/25 but so will Rollins with much more speed upside. To paraphrase Ralph Kramden, “Karabull!!!”

5. Pujols has an off year (that wasn’t that off). His first off year in the majors and he drops to five. I hope none of Karabull’s kiddies comes home with a B-. Off to boarding school with Tristan Cockcrap’s thumb suckers.

6. Jimmy Rollins makes sense at sixth. The next one will blow your mind.

7. Soriano?!?!? Dude, between you and me. Let someone else take Soriano then mock them for taking him.

8. Utley, I like. Numerous reasons. Biggest reason, the guy actually seems to want to play every single inning of every single game. My man’s a future MVP.

9. Cabrera just ate your draft cheat sheet. Personally, I want about six players instead of Cabrera, but he is a pure hitter. Plain and simple. Also, he loves to hug Miguel Olivo. Might be the shared name thing, might be something else. Keep an eye on it.

10. Holliday is officially priced out of “I got a steal” territory, which is a shame. He took about three non-intentional walks this year. I’d be wary. Karabull obviously wasn’t, “Can’t go wrong as long as he calls Coors home.” Expert analysis! (Exclamation point now indicates sarcasm.)

11. Crawford is now falling into the “I got a steal” territory. As for Karabull’s comment, “Extremely talented, even if this is the best he can do.” No, this isn’t the best he can do. He was playing hurt, Karanumbskull.

12. Vlad just got back from his third tour of Nam, or at least his legs appear that way. Don’t take him.

13. Johan beats Peavy? Nah, he really doesn’t actually. To use Karabull expert anlysis, “Not as long as Peavy calls Petco home and he’s facing the weakest hitting division sixty percent of the time.”

14. Ryan Howard at 14? Yeah, I would take that, but he’s not going to be here.

15. Peavy is fantasy’s newest ace. Karabull will make note of that at the end of November in ’08.

16. Grady Sizemore — see Howard, Ryan.

17. Ortiz, I’m sure there will be a Son of Sam Horn (do they actually call themselves this with a straight face?) who might take Ortiz at 17, but at strictly utility I would not. Aside, I bet Miguel Cabrera and Big Papi could hug each other for hours.

18. Ichiro at 18? Last year, this same nitwit probably (I don’t feel like looking it up) ranked Ichiro somewhere between 25 and 30. He’s the same guy every year. Eventually, he will slow down and you don’t want to be there when that happens. Pass.

19. Prince Fielder will be at number 9 next year, you do the math. BTW, is it me or is Karabull living in 2006 for some of these choices?

20. Phillips… Ugh, can’t argue with this, but I don’t want him. Doesn’t feel as safe as his 20th placed ranking should. I’d let someone else deal with Phillips.

21. Ryan Braun is going to be good, but he doesn’t hit righties as well as I’d like to take him here. The fact Karabull’s comment is saying there’s a case for round one makes me even more nervous.

22-24 Carlos Beltran, Tex and Berkman… Seriously, this guy is their top analyst.

25. I want Carlos Lee above all three of the aforementioned bozos. The horse is a natural slugger.