Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, say hello to the greatest player on Earth in week 13. Allow me to introduce a player who can juggle three positions at once, boasting eligibility at outfield, second base and third base. Hailing from Baní, the capital town of Peravia Province, Dominican Republic, he was recently voted the starting 3B for the American League All-Star game. The star of today’s show, and wrangler of 42 points, is none other than Jose Ramirez. While he might not be able to tame lions, ride a motorcycle in that small circular cage or swallow a flaming sword, Ramirez can certainly play the game of baseball. Truth be told, he might be able to do all of those things I just mentioned, but I couldn’t reach him to confirm. It seems my Razzball press credentials only got me a free hot dog. At least it was kosher. Love me some Hebrew Nationals!Please, blog, may I have some more?
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The answer is “foul balls”. What is “what do you see in the majority of men’s locker rooms on a weekday afternoon?” We asked 100 women, what is the top reason you refuse to give a man oral sex? Survey says “foul balls!” FOUL B_LLS. Pat, I’d like to buy a vowel. Speaking of which, what kind of @sshole buys a vowel in this position. Solve the freaking puzzle and save the $250. Despite not being able to hit the ball in fair territory, week 12’s winner thrived on foul balls. Are foul balls even a category in any league? If there’s a site that tracks foul ball stats I’m starting a foul ball league next year. How about foul balls and fielders choices. Who’s with me?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Joey Gallo has struck out in 43.5 percent of his at bats this season. Sweet Iván DeJesús! In points leagues the penalize for strikeouts that’s a death sentence. Talk about hanging from the gallows. While he does have twenty home runs, it feels almost like tits on a bull at this point. Ignoring the run scored and RBI, a home run is worth four points. Gallo’s twenty bombs are worth 80 points. In -1 point strikeout league his strikeouts are worth -102 points, completely erasing his homers. Now let’s include the guaranteed run scored an RBI that comes with a home run. Now his twenty long balls are worth 120 points. I thought about titling this post “Long Balls”, but I didn’t want to offend our senior male readers. Thanks to his 102 strikeouts, his twenty homers are now worth 18 points. Paul Goldschmidt scores 18 points with his eyes closed. And lastly, the best case scenario is a league that only penalizes half a point for a K. In this case his twenty moon shots are worth 69 points. 69 dudes! As far as points leagues that don’t subtract for strikeouts are concerned, I literally refuse to acknowledge their existence. Gallo has more home runs than any other third baseman yet he’s not even a top-25 3B.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m not a religious person. I just don’t have time for all of that nonsense. If you think it makes you a better person, good for you, but keep it out of my personal space. Although I would like to point out that if you need religion to make you a good person, then you most likely are not a good person. But enough about fairy tales. Let’s talk about something even less exciting. Death. Actually let’s not because I don’t want to bum any of you out. This is supposed to be a fantasy baseball blog and so far I’ve all I’ve done is shit on religion and mention dying. Let’s see if I can tie it all together somehow. In April, fantasy baseball owners could have easily left Edwin Encarnacion for dead. He barely had a pulse. He had four home runs, nine RBIs and a .200 batting average. Scooter Gennett topped that in a single game! In May, Encarnacion began to show some signs of life. He finished the month with six homers, thirteen RBIs and a .263 average. While that’s much better than April, it sounds like a weekend for Aaron Judge. At least with respect to the home runs and RBIs. However, so far in June Edwin has seven knocks, 18 ribbies and is batting .344. One might say he has been re-Encarnacion-ated! In week 11 the artist formerly known as E5, but now more commonly referred to as E3, lead all batters with 45 points. He did so by hitting four homers and driving in ten. He topped his entire April in a single week.Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s getting to that point in the season where it’s time to put up or shut up. This is quite similar to how I prefer when my dates. I like it when they put out and shut up. Despite the recent mistrial outcome I’m quite sure Bill Cosby agrees. I can’t believe how much of a creep Doctor Huxtable turned out to be. The dude ran an OB/GYN practice out of his basement. Come on! You can’t make this shit up. And before you go defending old Heathcliff, the dude is as innocent as O.J. Case closed.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Holy cow! Somebody call Phil Rizzuto because scooter pies are on this week’s menu. I’ve never even seen one of these, let alone eaten one, but from what I gather they are very similar to moon pies. Can anyone confirm said statement? Personally I was more of a Devil Dog, Ring Ding and Yodels kind of guy. I was a staunch supporter of Drake’s Cakes back in the day. I used to love collecting the baseball cards on the back of the boxes when they ran that promotion. I still have a bunch of them buried in some box in my baseball. I’ll have to dig them suckers up one of these days.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Clap your hands everybody, and everybody clap your hands. We’re Lambda Lambda Lambda and Omega Mu. We come here on stage tonight to do our show for you. We got a rockin’ rhythm and a hi-tech sound that’ll make you move your body down to the ground. We got Jake Lamb on the violin, and Mark and Aaron will be joining in. We got Mike Moustakas on the mean guitar and a rap by little ol’ me Nomar. We got Schebler beating on his gong, the boys and the Mu’s are clapping along. And just when you thought, ya seen it all, along comes a Lambda four foot tall. So Altuve come on out here on the floor, so we can move our bodies, like never before. Break!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Springer springer hit a dinger. Actually he hit five of them in week 9. Until last week you might say that he was having a rather pedestrian start to the 2017 season. Coming into the week he wasn’t even a top 30 outfielder with respect to points. As a matter of fact his starting percentage was slowly taking a dip, and as a result, there were quite a few angry managers staring at 45 points on their bench last week. I have a rule that I nearly always abide by in weekly league: Play your studs. Well if George Springer was curious about what it’s like to be in the top 20, he now knows as his week 9 performance has catapulted him in the 17 spot.
Enough about this George dude from Houston, what you all really want to know is who won week 9. Actually there are probably only a small handful that really care. That would be those of you that had at least an outside chance of winning. Well wait no longer. The winner is the contestant that picked George Springer. Since there was only one of you that did so, the mystery winner should be easy to figure out. Ok, fine. I won’t make you go back and do the leg work. The winner was Fungazi with 90 points. Fungazi picked George Springer (45), Carlos Correa (40) and Brian Dozier (5). Dozier’s five points were meaningless considering Springer and Correa were the top two highest scoring players of the week. Second place was The Padre with 73 points. Like I said, no thanks to Dozier. Congrats Fungazi!
Here are the top 5 from Week 9:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Okay, full disclosure. This post was planned for last week, but after Masahiro Tanaka and Jose Quintana‘s sh!t shows of a performance I decided I’d rather chug beers and yell racial slurs at online images of those two bastards. I was actually planning to title this post Smoak and Mirrors, but in Saturday’s Hey Batter³ Contest post Larry Chip 10 picked Smoak ‘n Mirrors as one of his three batters. Once that happened I realized I was going to have to either shift gears or throw him a footnote. It didn’t help that Mike Maher titled his most recent Top-100 Hitters post Full Bour Or Smoak And Mirrors? So here we have a slightly modified title for today’s points league post.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Do you know the difference between Anthony Rendon and Kris Bryant? Well if we are comparing them from a points league perspective, the answer is “very little at all”. The two have posted extremely similar numbers so far this season. To be more precise, Rendon has 145 points and Bryant has 146. And while we’re comparing, Bryant has had 16 additional plate appearances. While I’d obviously prefer to have Bryant, I just wanted to point out how much of a return Rendon’s owners are getting on their draft day investment.
Anthony Rendon led all batters with 43 points in week 8. Sadly, no one in the contest picked him. Next was Lucas Duda with 39. No one picked the Duda either. Then Charlie Blackmon (35 and Unpickable), Adam Duvall (35), Anthony Rizzo (33 and Unpickable) and Jordy Mercer (30). It’s not until Jose Abreu and Melky Cabrera, each with 29 points, do we find a batter that was picked by someone in week 8.
You Know Nothing, J.T. Snow picked Melky, but he was not the week’s winner. That honor goes to Smallwine who selected Jose Abreu, Jose Bautista and Michael Conforto for a total of 71 points. After finishing second in week 7, Smallwine jumped right back in the saddle and took care of business. Nice work! Don’t under do it finished second with 64 points.
Here are the top 5 from Week 8:Please, blog, may I have some more?