Well, I didn’t expect to write this post. I thought I was overrating Christian Yelich when I ranked the top 20 outfielders. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect others to be so much more excited about him. By the way, my wildest dreams include Giancarlo, marmalade and a goat wearing pants. In my dream journal, I call that dream, “Ecstasy: My Bleating Heart.” A schmohawk is so extreme, and I don’t like doing schmohawk posts for guys that are young, and Yelich is younger looking than Neil Patrick Harris when he played Doogie. Yelich should be peaking, but, Hayzeus Cristo, Yahoo and ESPN have Yelich ranked crazy-pants-high. I had a friend who sniffed glue, we called him Elmer, and, after a solid glue-in-nose sesh, he still made more sense than where these people have ranked Yelich. Anyway, why is Christian Yelich overrated for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Go big or go home. That’s not just what a casting agent says to men trying to break into porn, but it’s also how we have to attack these overrated for fantasy baseball posts. I could’ve went Jacob deGrom, but he’s too easy to ignore. He had kelp noodles implanted in his elbow this offseason for tendons, but can any man subsist on sea greens? Nope, so you know a diet of meatballs is coming this summer. You can’t only go kelp noodles; you’re setting yourself up to yo-yo; Oprah would’ve told him that; semi-colons are fun. Jake Arrieta feels far less obvious of a CTRL-ALT-DELETE from draft sheets. At least according to ESPN, where they have him ranked in the top 30 overall. Coincidentally, as of the writing of this post, ESPN has Arrieta ranked right next to our other favorite battering ram boy (he’d love that nickname), Daniel Murphy. But this isn’t about deGrom or Murphy or deGromurphy. This is about Arrieta. Oh, double negatives be damned, this isn’t about not drafting any starter as early as Arrieta is going. I would not draft a pitcher in the top 30, but this is about Jake Arrieta. Anyway, why is Jake Arrieta overrated for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
If this were a Meatloaf song, the title, “Andrew McCutchen, 2017 Fantasy Schmohawk,” would have this “Betting Against The Bounce Back” in parenthesis. Some overrated posts are preordained by the man above, some posts are preordained by the men below. This post is for the men below. Those men are the ones in the comments touting how great Andrew McCutchen still is. I think people get confused by fantasy in the most general sense. I don’t dislike guys personally (okay, Daniel Murphy is the exception that proves the rule). McCutchen seems like a great guy. I’d buy him a beer if I ever saw him. Of course, the beer would get returned to me with the note, “McCutchen only drinks Glenfiddich. He is Scottish, after all.” In real life, I want him to have a long and productive life. May his walks on the beach be accompanied by a loved one and some crutches. For fantasy, I want McCutchen to fail miserably. I want his bounce back to go about as well as the yodeller’s on The Price is Right when the contestant is more than $25 over the actual retail price. Anyway, why is Andrew McCutchen overrated for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Oh no he dint! I dit. No, he dint! I dit! Dint! Dit! That was my right and left side of my brain debating Carlos Gonzalez as overrated. You’d be surprised at how often the two sides of my brain get in these verbal sparring matches. The left side of my brain was in the Debate Club in high school, so you’d think it was an unfair fight, but the right side of my brain conjured up an imaginary Debate Club with six imaginary debaters, an imaginary Debate tourney and an imaginary trip the Debate club went on where I lost my very real virginity. The left side of my brain is like, “Wut!?” Since the right side of the brain made up all of that, it’s understandable that the best argument the left side of my brain can come up with is ‘Oh no he dint!’ Of Coors, I don’t like going against Rockies hitters. This is the first time I’ve labeled a Rockies hitter overrated since I went after Tulo, which came out aces, prolly. No false modesty here, I’m never wrong on these schmohawk posts. You short a schmohawk and you’re golden. Like my Ocean Pacific Bermudas, these are the greatest shorts ever. Anyway, why is Carlos Gonzalez overrated for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
To say Daniel Murphy is a schmohawk transcends fantasy baseball. Murphy said he disagrees with the gay lifestyle, but loves all people because he’s a Christian. “What exactly is the gay lifestyle?” would’ve been the best followup question ever. Daniel Murphy thinks for a moment, then thoughtfully says, “Dressing up in frilly crap, watching Queer as Folk reruns and eating D.” Then, after a moment, “But I love all people!” Or if a gay reporter said, “I’m gay and my lifestyle is watching sports, getting mustard on my old, brown tie, and I don’t even have Showtime. Does my lifestyle bother you?” Murphy pauses, then replies, “Yes, you eat D and I prefer ketchup on my hot dogs. But I still love you.” Every sport needs a bad guy, and that’s why baseball has everyone on the Yankees. Daniel Murphy isn’t a bad guy, he’s just a douche, but, not that long ago, John Smoltz compared gay marriage to a person marrying an animal, so Murphy will probably be working Fox broadcasts in the near future, along with Pete Rose and A-Rod. Fox: We Hire Everyone MLB Asks Us Not To Hire. Any hoo! None of that matters for our purposes, or porpoises if dolphins are reading. This is about what a schmohawk Murphy is for fantasy, that does matter for us. Schmohawk lives matter! Anyway, why is Daniel Murphy overrated for 2017 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?