The night before I wrote this post I had a dream that Matt Adams was painted green from head to toe and sitting above Mike Matheny who was dressed as Princess Leia in a bikini as I bartered for the return of the carbon-frozen Grady Sizemore, after we went nipple shopping and Matt Adams decided on silver dollar ones. I think I have to do less Soda Streaming prior to bedtime. At least I wasn’t dreaming about Candy Crush. (BTW, if you’re seeing the symbol for AT&T and thinking it looks like a blue striped candy, you need other hobbies. Totally speaking from experience here.) Let’s see if we can get excited about Matt Adams without picturing him slowly unlatching his bra. Last year, Fatt had more homers than anyone with so few plate appearances (the only other players that were even close were Hanley Ramirez and Wilson Ramos). In just 319 plate appearances, he hit 17 homers. This comes in an era when 24 homers is a lot — hey, Joey Votto, I’m subtly looking in your direction. Adams also hit .284 with a ton of counting stats for the amount of plate appearances he saw. Then again, everyone on the Cardinals had counting stats last year. Matt Adams, I understood the most. He loves ribbies. Anyway, what can we expect from Matt Adams for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Wilson Ramos smells of Salvador Perez. A catcher that could be drafted as a fringe top ten catcher with the chance of performing as a top five catcher. I take my Latin catchers’ abuelitas seriously, and so should you after Salvador Perez lost two months last year when his Maw-Maw passed. Luckily, Wilson Ramos has two extremely healthy abuelitas. One abuelita just did the Baja California 5K, and his other abuelita likes to cook fattening foods, but she will be staying with me all next summer if I draft Wilson so I can keep an eye on her and her health. Lupe Ontiveros, his maternal abuelita, said, “I feel as good as a mule piñata stuffed with nails and could probably live for another twenty years.” Let’s not push it, Lupe! Just get us through 2014, that’s all we ask. Last year channeling the strength from his two healthy abuelitas, Ramos put on a show, hitting 16 homers in only 78 games, while ranking in the top ten for all of baseball in home run distance. Didn’t have any negatives, other than the one thing that has haunted him for his whole career. Unlike his abuelitas, he has a hard time staying healthy. It’s been about three years since he’s played a full season, and he’s never played more than 113 games in a major league season. So, what can we expect from Wilson Ramos for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“Grey, sometimes I look into your eyes and I see a land with marshmallow-topped trees and lots of fake-breasted women. Any the hoo! Who can be this year’s Matt Harvey?” That’s you when you’re being real with yourself. Sonny Gray can be this year’s Matt Harvey. I don’t even know if he’s going to be a sleeper, but my guess is he won’t be ranked in the top ten for all starting pitchers, but could end up there by the end of the year, so that ups his sleeperitude, which is like pulchritudinous because it looks like it would be a negative or some rare disease, but it’s one of the greatest compliments that can’t be pronounced by most people. Sleeper-a-tude? Sleepery-tude? Sleep-er-eye-tude? Don’t even get me to try and pronounce pulchritudinous. I can’t even spell it without copying and pasting it from Google. Sonny Gray doesn’t get touched by my soft hands on his subtle features simply because he sounds like he’s related to me or because he tried in earnest to grow a mustache. We’re not that shallow here — though, I will say a land of marshmallow-topped trees and fake-breasted women does sound wonderful. So, what can we expect from Sonny Gray for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

No one will come close to ranking this guy as high as I’m going to (assuming the Phils don’t do anything stupid and trade for a prospblock). I wouldn’t be surprised to see Cody Asche not ranked at all on some sites. Last year, ESPN didn’t rank Hyun-Jin Ryu, barely ranked Jean Segura, ignored Starling Marte, to name just a few of the guys that I highlighted last year around this time. No one is going to be on all fours getting Asche-y knees like me. Ideally, the Phils get totally out of using Old Spice as their go-to cologne, and move Rollins down the lineup while pushing Asche and Brown up so they find their way into the top four slots of the lineup. Though, I kinda don’t want that to happen until the day after the season starts. If it happens in March, then suddenly people are going to start asking the question, “Yo, Grey, your mustache reminds me a bit of the Sistine Chapel, only holier, but in other news, who is this guy Cody Asche that the Phils are saying will hit in the top of their lineup?” We don’t need those Johnny Come Latelies clogging up our draft strategy with their newfound enthusiasm. So what can we expect from Cody Asche for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Working a bit without a net on this sleeper post. There’s a chance that Anthony Rizzo isn’t a sleeper due to how he’ll be ranked by others. My guess (which is better than your guess, but not as good as your Uncle Rick’s guess — your Uncle Rick is a good guesser!) is Rizzo will outperform his draft ranking. I can see him giving top 50 value and there’s no way I see him being ranked in the top 50, so that’s a sleeper, yah? Yahtzee! What’s keeping him from ranking in the top fifty already is the dreadful year he just had and, more specifically, his inability to hit lefties. He says he sees every lefty pitcher like the little kid in his fourth grade class that had lefty scissors glued to his hand and ran at him screaming, “You wanna play?!” Rizzo claims lefties scare him like Forest Whitaker’s droopy eyelid scares the average person. Why’s it drooping?! Rizzo’s got problems. He’s young enough that he can overcome his issues (will only be 24 for the better part of 2014), but if he continues to struggle vs. lefties there’s not a chance he gives top fiddy value. Not by swinging any magic stick. So, what can we expect of Anthony Rizzo for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It may be in 2015. That’s the answer to the question, “Will Nolan Arenado break out in 2014 and shoot up the draft boards for next year?” It’s also the answer to the question, “What year is Dr. Dre coming out with a new album?” It could also answer, “When do we get flying cars?!” Last year, Arenado put up the line of 49/10/52/.267/2 in 486 ABs and 133 games. Not amazing…OR WAS IT?! No, Mr. Al Caps, it wasn’t amazing. ARE WE SURE?! Yes. Oh, but he was only 22 years old. Or as they said in Cincinnati in 1825, ‘OH, it’s 22 years old.’ Arenado can do exactly what he did last year for two more years and still have time to fill out and become a top 25 draft pick by the age of 25. Yes, a top 25 draft pick. That’s what he’ll become at some point in his career, barring unforeseen injuries. Shoot, Tulo has foreseen injuries and he’s a top 25 talent. It’s the old adage that I just made up, “Don’t bet against a Rockies hitter. Bet against Padre and Mariner hitters.” So, what can we expect of Nolan Arenado for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Here’s a bad thing — I’m already excited about drafting Avisail Garcia. I’m writing this in November and posting it in December and am already excited about him. This is dangerous. My expectations are already through the roof. I just have this feeling that this is gonna spell D-O-O-M. See, I can’t have anything nice. Watch a story come out that Avisail and his brother, Jpegsail, are in some kind of weird fishing accident and get arrested with a megaton of weed. Or something. Something will happen. Though, I’m praying and vsdnjs;nzwc — Oops — and crossing my fingers that nothing happens to Avisail. That he makes it to Opening Day as the starting right fielder for the White Sox and batting third. Yes, third. Who else is batting in that lineup? Jose Abreu? I went over my Jose Abreu fantasy and he can be solid, but he’s more of a cleanup hitter. Maybe Avisail is batting 2nd. But there’s no way he’s below fifth. Beckham’s three shades of crizzap, Alexei Ramirez is a’ight but not a three hole hitter, Dunn and Konerko are either gone or hot garbage that is four years past its born-on date and Viciedo is great…every three weeks for two days at a time. Who else is batting third? Phegley? Why? The White Sox need someone whose last name sounds like it’s being pronounced with a fur ball in your mouth? Avisail Garcia will have every opportunity to succeed, so what can we expect of him in 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Maybe I’m a little superstitious. Maybe I’m just like my father — 2 bold. Whatever the case is, last year I kicked off the fantasy baseball sleeper series with Eric Hosmer after he absolutely ripped my heart out of my chest like he was Mola Ram and I was Short Round in the Temple of Doom. This year, I’m taking on the same tactic. I’m starting the fantasy baseball sleeper series with a guy that rained on my parade, then pushed aside my umbrella and whispered in my ear that it’s not raining, but I’m standing under a Port-A-John that has no floor. P to the erhaps, I’m just being a fool with Mike Moustakas. A lamb being led to the slaughter. But if I were a lamb being led to the slaughter by Moustakas, I’d end up shawarma, which is tasty. I can’t get past one big number from him last year — and, brucely, he only had one big number — 16.1%. That number sticks out to me. I’ll loop back to that number. Come with me, and you’ll see a world of pure imagination, where we imagine Moustakas not defecating on our teams. So, what can we expect from Mike Moustakas for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?