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Alright, everyone.  It’s time to whip out your blue Metallica shirt or your black AC/DC one.  We’re about to rock out.  Duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh…hrm, intonation is so important with these kinds of things and since you can’t write ‘DUH-DUH-DUH’ as a musical note, I guess I’m just gonna have to give you the source material.  Ok, now you ready?  What?  You don’t get what we’re doing?  Good God, where is your guy’s culture!  We’re doing some Air Guitar, Beavis And Butthead style.  Ok, now are we ready?  What, now you can’t get the timing down?  You need a metronome?  That’s not really gonna help, you gotta feel the rhythm!  I swear this is the worst internet fantasy baseball music class I’ve taught in my life… but while we’re on the topic of odd time signatures, I think now is a good time to segue into our topic du jour: Cream of Scott Kazmir.  What, where are you going!  Oh, my soup pun looks kinda bad in hindsight.  I should’ve called it Kazmir Bisque, I guess.  Just be thankful I didn’t call it Cock-a-leekie.  But nevermind all that, we’re here to talk about your deep league and how to fill your crockpot with the most savoriest of pitcher from the cheapest part of your draft stock… I don’t know where that metaphor is going, it honestly got away from me.  So lets abruptly move on, shall we?  Here’s why I think Kazmir will be the Ricky Martin in your Menudo for deep leagues for the 2014 Fantasy Baseball season…

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The Jack attack is back. Or, in this case, the Jay Flambé is day-to-day. Makes no sense whatsoever. But it does roll off the tongue, does it not? The main point is, I’m back, your back, and, best of all, Sky is back. And we’re here to spotlight certain players for whom the mighty overlord of mustache’s, Grey, has yet to comb-over. And probably condition as well. You gotta figure with a mustache like that, you gotta condition. And since I’m nothing if not consistent, I’m back to try and sell you more Dick(ey). The innuendo is outrageous. But more outrageous than trying to sell you on him for yet another season? We shall see.

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To be fair, I’m here to cover deep leagues with these posts and I don’t know if this pitcher applies given how his 2013 season went and how JB Gilpin gushed all over him in his Pitcher Profile of him last year.  But then I remembered some of y’all forget that guys who didn’t reach the IP minimum to qualify on certain lists count too and said to myself ‘Oh Em Gee, these kids gotta start doing better research.  They need my help!’  Thus was the beginning of this beautiful Corey Kluber sleeper story born, and after wiping all the afterbirth and poo off of it, I bring it to you. Though… I’m not quite ready to cut the umbilical cord on it.  You may have to wait a few more wasted opening sentences for that.  Sorry, can’t be helped.  Grey tells me repeatedly that I must maintain a 200 minimum word count in these openers and that if I dip below that, the bus we’re driving will explode.  Which is a weird thing to say considering we’re not on a bus.  I’d call it more a minivan.  Rudy is mumbling about SIERRA and WAR in his sleep in the back, Tehol is working on his flow by watching Gary The Snail rap (NSFW), JFOH is putting his gum in Mike’s hair, Jaywrong is making Jennifer Lawrence gifs on his laptop, and Tom Jacks is busy reading the politics section of the newspaper.  Ha, Tom…what a nerd!  But all this to say, Grey is driving this band of misfits while wearing mom jeans so we must abide.  But enough about the Razzball Family life, let’s trudge on.  So let’s look at why Kluber should be on your radar in deep leagues for the 2014 Fantasy Baseball season…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

There are sleepers. And then there are chubby husbands that get woken up by their wives when they snore uncontrollably. We’re going to take the latter approach to this series of three posts. This first post of the series will present a unique process of how I pinpoint out SP sleepers, explained after the jump.

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There’s a benefit to playing for the Marlins besides learning the value of having to buy your own equipment and refreshments. “Guys, money’s tight, you’re gonna have to bring your own Gatorade from now on.” That’s a Marlins exec on the first day of the spring. The other benefit is the Marlins don’t care what the hell you do as long as you’re playing for the salary minimum. You know that guy who always brought Popov back to the dorm room? Did he return from the liquor store saying it would go best with orange juice? Nope. Popov was proven to cause cancer in vermin, but it got you drunk and was cheap. That’s the Marlins team. And sometimes the Marlins, like Popov, cause projectile vomiting and lead you to wonder how you ended up with so much orange and teal in your closet. The Marlins don’t care if Christian Yelich hits. He will play every day because he’s cheap. Since we don’t need to collect every 20% off Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon we’ve ever received in the mail when we put together our fantasy team, the cheap thing doesn’t matter to us. It does matter when you’re wondering if Yelich will get 550 ABs and hit in a relatively good spot in the lineup. Who else are they moving up in the order? Ed Lucas? You throw Lucas the ball because he can’t hit it. Casey McGehee? I just vomited onto my bathroom mirror and it spelled out, “Gross.” Adeiny Hechavarria? More like Adon’tthinkso Hereallysucks. So, what can we expect from Christian Yelich for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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I am most excited about drafting Jedd Gyorko. I am most confident that first sentence sounds best if said in an Apu or Balki Bartokomous voice. Surprised that Gyorko feels like he’s under the radar still even though he had 23 homers in only 125 games and for about a month after he returned, he was playing hurt. Playing Hurt was also the lead single off my 2nd album, “My Heart Goes Poof When You Smoke Out My Hormone Juice.” It didn’t sell well, let’s move on. 23 homers in 125 games at 2nd base. Let that sink in for a second. Sunk yet? Not stunk? No. Sunk. As in sunkpendous. How is he under the radar?! Seriously, I interrobang that. It makes no sense. Or no cents if you only deal in paper money. Oh, and he’s eligible at 3rd base in some leagues. Do you people have any idea what a wasteland 2nd and 3rd base is this year? Well, you’ll have a better idea on Monday when I release my rankings, but take my word for it right now — it’s a wasteland like New Jersey after a good rain. Anyway, what can we expect from Jedd Gyorko for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last year, Brad Miller hit 20 homers and stole 11 bases while hitting over .300. Right now, you’re thinking how is this guy even a sleeper? He should be a top five guy at shortstop. I know what you’re thinking because I’m sitting in your head. Sorry about that whole spilling my Jamba Juice on your medulla oblongata. My bad! There’s one little problem with that 20 homers, 11 steals, .300+ average stat line. That’s adding together his minor and major league numbers. That’s wrong. Or as they say in North Korea, that’s un-Jongy. In 102 games between Triple-A and the majors, Miller had 14 homers and 7 steals. Still not really bad. Unless bad is not bad but bad is good–Scratch that, if bad is good then it’s still not really bad. It’s solid, better than decent — or becent to be more portmanteauy. Fortunately for us, Miller only had 8 homers and 5 steals in the majors. That’s not going to raise too many eyebrows about drafting this guy. Then you throw in that going after a Mariner hitter not named Cano is about as appealing as Carol Channing sans makeup, and people shouldn’t be that crazy excited about Miller, so that makes him a sleeper, but what can we expect of Brad Miller for 2014 fantasy baseball?

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Rarely do I double dip on sleepers. If they don’t pan out the year I tap them on the shoulder with my sleeper amulet, there’s an issue that usually makes them suspect for the following year too. That brings us to my favorite sleeper from 2013 that failed to live up to expectations, Todd Frazier. If you just rolled out of a 12-month coma, it’s like nothing’s changed, except your family was sick of waiting for you to wake so they drew faces on coconuts and moved on to a new father who isn’t emotionally detached. That’s not your kid, that’s a coconut. Don’t worry, the guy with the creepy voice on Dateline will do you justice when he tells your life story. In 2013, Frazier hit 19 homers, which matched his 2012 total, but in 2012 he only had 422 ABs and last year he had 531. The batting average took a real spin around the toilet bowl and flushed out a stank .234 after he hit .273 the previous year. Obviously, Frazier’s not coming out of 2013 without his Napoleonic-sized hemorrhoids, but he can Prep-H those and still set things right. So, what can we expect from Todd Frazier for 2014 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?