In past years, I’ve said the following analogy. There’s years of looking up to your father, whether you agree all the time or not. Then, one day, he takes a poop on your couch. You take him to the hospital; he’s in need of some sort of psychology examination. If the tests come back conclusive that he pooped the couch simply out of laziness, then that’s ESPN. If tests come back that he’s gone crazy, well, over at Yahoo The Noise ranked Matt Carpenter 37th overall. A recipe for success at Yahoo involves Kosher salt because you need to take Yahoo’s rankings with a bigger grain of salt. Now, with that said, I think this year Yahoo’s flipped the script on ESPN. Yahoo’s rankings are better this year, i.e., they’re closer to mine than ESPN. At least that’s the vibe I get from looking at them, I didn’t actually stop and weigh the differences and divide that weight by pi to the seventh integer and multiply by X. I simply looked at what they had vs. me and think Yahoo did a better job this year. They have also changed their rankings dramatically in the last week. See, I originally had The Noise down as ranking Carpenter 30th overall. Just about every guy in the chart at the end of this post has moved closer to my rankings in the last week. I’m not saying they’re copying (or they’re not copying fast enough), because, well, they’re still off and now it’s time to spit fire:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jason Kipnis? More like bacon with Kaddish! Am I right, twelve-hundred and eleven Jew readers? What? Google tracks this shizz, don’t look at me. For all of y’all that be up in my grill day in and day out about Jean Segura’s crizzappy 2nd half, let’s go off topic to bring it back to topic, shall we? Thanks, expository question! Segura had a ridunkiculous 2nd half, if you’re dunking turds in a bucket. Tis true, homies and four homettes. I agree. He’s also 23 years old and was in his first major league season. Never before had he played that much, so he was probably tired. Well, he did play a lot the year he played winter ball in the 8th grade because his dad told him, “You either play ball for 12 months or work at my pizza place, Papa Jean’s. Oh, and if anyone asks you about the lawsuit, Papa John’s and Papa Jean’s are not the same thing.” Segura was also hurt at the end of last year. But no excuses, he wasn’t good in the 2nd half with one homer and 17 steals. So, Kipnis, who the world and thy Lord in Fantasy Heaven, likes, did what exactly last year in the 2nd half? 4 homers and 9 steals. YAY!!! Seriously, I’m going to jump off the Bridge Of Who Cares after reading those numbers. Kipnis is also 26 years old and did the exact same tail off the previous year in the 2nd half, so this is a pattern you don’t need to be a knit maker to spot. So why is Jason Kipnis overrated for 2014 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m looking at my 2014 fantasy baseball rankings compared to ESPN’s fantasy baseball rankings and my iTunes is hitting White Walls by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (featuring Schoolboy Q, Hollis and me).
I wanna be free, I wanna just live… Inside my rankings… This is my shizz…
Now throw it up (ESPN’s rankings make me wanna throw up),
That’s what it is (that’s what it is),
In my R-A-N-K-I-N-G-S, Mitch (Moreland),
Can’t see through their love for Kipnis (nah ah),
I’m drafting real slow (slow motion),
In my hot wet dripping love for Giancarlo, he’s 24 (handsome fella),
ESPN don’t got love for the 24′s (nah ah),
But they’re on those oft-injured Jacoby’s,
That’s in those New York short walls,
R-r-round them hundred year old folks (Jeter),
Old school like Old English in that brown paper bag,
Yovani’s rolling in with the same WHIP that my granddad had,
Hello, haters, damn y’all mad,
$30 on a starter, now how backpack rap is that?
Hey, I’m outside of a mall in my home state, New Jersey, and I’m carrying a long microphone that I got from a garage sale. The microphone was supposedly used by Curt Gowdy in the 70′s. I’m out here today, while being filmed like it’s a bad 1980′s commercial, because I want to ask people what they think of Jacoby Ellsbury for this year. “Do you think Jacoby Ellsbury can stay healthy?” “What the f**k did you just say to me?” “Was wondering if you thought Jacoby Ellsbury could hit 25-plus homers again with the short porch?” “How about you get on a short bus, f**k nuts?” “Can Jacoby Ellsbury steal 50-plus bases?” “Go f**k yourself.” There you have it! The people of New Jersey have spoken. Yeah, Jacoby Ellsbury has had seasons of illustrious glory. Capable of 30 homers? He did that. Capable of 70 steals? And you know that. Has dreadful seasons? *looks slowly right, looks slowly left, tiptoes out of the room* Anyway, why is Jacoby Ellsbury overrated for 2014 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
In the top 20 2nd basemen for 2014 fantasy baseball post January Grey mentions that there will need to be an overrated post for Matt Carpenter written at some point. Way to pass the buck, bucko! Well, two can play that game, Morris Chestnut, so I’m going to copy some of the shizz January Grey spewed at ya and vomit it right back, “Last year, Carpenter scored 126 runs. That’s the third highest runs total since 2008. To give you an idea of what the guys who beat him did the following season: Granderson scored 136 runs in 2011 and 102 the following year and Trout scored 129 in 2012 and 109 last year. No one scores 120 runs in back-to-back years without a crapton of steroids. Do I smell an overrated post coming for Carpenter? I can’t smell due to a build up of cerumen that’s made its way into my nasal passages, but it sounds about right. (BTW, the Wikipedia picture for cerumen is so nasty. Don’t look, seriously. And now that just made you want to look. Suckers!)” And that’s me quoting January Grey! So, what makes Matt Carpenter overrated for 2014 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
When January Grey was working on the rankings, I doubt he ever thought he’d be setting up February Grey to write an overrated post on Joe Mauer. January Grey, “Don’t be mad cause I’m doing me better than you doing you (repeat 3 times).” Here was a guy (Mauer, not January Grey or Childish Gambino) who hasn’t done well in years. Not just last year. In 2012, he was completely healthy and played in 147 games and notched 545 at-bats. Both marks would be generous to give any everyday player, so it had nothing to do with missing games due to catching. If you said to me you can draft Miguel Cabrera but you’ll only get 147 games and 545 at-bats, I’d take it in a second. In 2012, Mauer was also 29 years old and had Morneau for 134 games and a 35-homer Willingham in the lineup with him. Plouffe hit 24 homers that year and Denard Span and Ben Revere were getting on base and stealing bases. This wasn’t a bad Twins team. Not good, but not bad. They were 16th in the major leagues for runs scored and 10th for OBP. That year Mauer had the stat line of 81/10/85/.319/8. Shoot, I must’ve did something wrong. Hold on, I need to say it louder — That year Mauer had the stat line of 81/10/85/.319/8! Oh, well, I thought balloons might drop from my ceiling after I said his line. Maybe it wasn’t so good even though he had a healthy 545 at-bats. Anyway, why is Joe Mauer overrated for 2014 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?