“I’m a prince, boy. Have you ever been with a prince? …Take off your clothes.”

No, this isn’t Tehol quoting Tehol, regurgitating the way I speak to my Thai boy handlers when I’m doing  thong shoots in Phuket. Very similar verbiage, but no, this fascinating quote comes from none other than the legendary, Prince Oberyn Martell of Dorne, a man I’m positive you will come to love throughout season four of HBO’s Game of Thrones. Like a supreme vortex, “GOT” has sucked in the entire nation, and it’s well past time it was brought forth into the wondrous world of fantasy baseball. [Ed. Note-- Oh, you mean like here, and here, and, ahem, here? FIRST! Bwahahahah.] Some people say fantasy baseball is the equivalent of D&D for jocks. Well, I for one, want a piece of both worlds! The season four premier was a masterful work of art, as I’m fully reminded as to why I was so entranced by the novels. Let’s have some fun and intertwine some of the premium quotes from the season premier with the annual Delight/Disgrace column. Will you allow me the pleasure of doing this? No? Too late, for I am already balls deep. and I’m on some Geno Auriemma/Charlie Sheen winning type-ish thing. So let us begin. [Warning, Game of Thrones Spoilers ahead!]

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I don’t have enough spam, give me the Razzball email newsletter!

First off: Poop joke. Secondly: next poop joke. Good, now is it out of your system? Well if it ain’t, pinch it off we’ve got to keep dropping these DraftKings posts like they’re hot. Alright, alright, we can’t get things moving with you so backed up on this topic. Here, have some yogurt. Better? Good! Now I have to ask you to draft a guy who’s only $6,000 on DK and is pitching in Petco and he’s not a Padre pitcher. In fact, he’s playing for a team that could actually get him a win. You interested? Me too! His name is Rick Porcello. He enjoys going six to seven innings, loves ground ball outs, and can probably K about five or six guys today given that his opponent is the Padres who have scored 20 total runs in nine games to start the year. For you non-math majors, that’s 2.22 runs per game. You don’t even need to look at the Hitter-Tron to know these Padres won’t help your hitting lineup. I would’ve said just 2 runs since you can’t actually score .22 runs but I didn’t wanna make the lovers of San Diego cry more than their team has already made them. But of course, I’m just a man with an idea. What say you, Stream-O-Nator? Only the 11th best pitcher tomorrow? Balderdash! Oh wait, tons of aces on the mound tomorrow. I mean, Jose Fernandez is the 6th best pitcher tomorrow on there? Well that changes things now doesn’t it. Considering he’s about half the price of the big arms taking the mound, you can take him, buy an ace, and still have room in your budget for more Activia. Seriously, go talk with your doctor, you’ve got a problem. But enough about that, let’s do a few more quick DK pimpings and then move on. We’ve mentioned it a few times but there’s a little game we like to call the Sweet Spot on DraftKings. That’s a $400,000 pot. The cool thing about the link I just gave you? You sign up for the first time to DK you get a free ticket which you can turn into a ticket in the Sweet Spot. How often do you get to tell your wife you actually WON money playing fantasy sports (we’re friends here, you don’t need to lie to me). In either case, if you want in on this DK fun, that would be a great way to start. With that, let’s get on with it. Here’s the Razzball slant on the 4/11/2014 slate for your DraftKings lineups…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We are going to take a break from the closenado news to bring the middle-reliever news and updates for those of you that are in Holds and NSVH leagues. While it’s not as sexy as the closer news that you usually expect, it is still fundamental in forming a well-balanced pitching staff. It has been a bizarre season, as far as Holds go, and no one person is showing their stoutness and running away with being “that guy”.  The usual candidates are lying in the weeds [Ed. Note-- you haven't smoked it all?] waiting to jump out and show you how to make balloon animals. So here are some snippets that I’ve noticed so far this year, though the season is still short ‘n sweet. There’s a long ways to go my friends. So be patient when it comes to the dudes who pitch after the dudes, but before the dudes that really matter.

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I don’t practice Santeria. I ain’t got no crystal ball. Well, if I had $6, I’d spend it all…

…I’d spend it on these Corner Infielders (owned <10% on ESPN as of 4/3)! They are placed in the order of my zeal, because my zeal smells nice and fresh. What does that even mean? Post now includes bonus CI Prospect list as well! (And maybe thermal packaging. What can I say? It’s a demand-driven commodity.) Follow me after the jump to find out what this all means… maybe.

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When Sky came to me and asked if I was interested in DraftKings I said “sure, sounds like fun”. When I received the e-mail asking me what day I would like to do it, I said “Thursday, less games, less room for error”. When he told me my article was due this Thursday I panicked, I thought I was getting an invite to play daily fantasy on his dime. Oh how wrong I was…..Now I feel like Matt Williams playing blindfolded dartboard lineup card. Now, could we call this the blind leading the blind? Not exactly, but it sure is going to be an adventure. Actually I have been playing DraftKings lately and I have to say this shizz is the real deal Holyfield….or at least as real as all those real kids he has out there. I believe it’s 20 in Las Vegas and 15 in Atlantic City. Go figure. It’s a lot. That’s the last time I trust Sky, you would’ve thought I’d learned my lesson when he sold me his Mexico timeshare, Ciudad Juarez, and told me to buy on Atlanta Braves starters this year, Medlen and Beachy, and thought Fister going to the NL was a good fantasy move. Thanks Sky! Before I move on I want you all to know about the sweet spot tourney where they have $400,000 in prizes to hand out. It’s a two dollar buy in and is the best two dollar fun you can have. Pass on the extra tall can tonight and go get in this thing. It’s a friggin blast.

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Starling Marte was one of my favorite sleepers last year, Grey’s too.  He looked really good during his 2012 rookie trial, hitting six triples and five homers in under fifty games, while also stealing twelve bags.  The following year, Marte’s first full season, he basically tore it up.  He posted an 83/12/35/.280/41 slash.  Not too shabby.  He is looking to repeat that success, much like Weekend At Bernie’s II improved on the clearly flawed original.

I’m going to run an experiment on how I write these articles, and if it works out, I’ll continue doing it throughout the season.  I’m going to grade players in several areas, and give each area a score.  Scoring 50% of the points in a category is my baseline for repeating the previous year’s performance.  I will combine the scores at the end using a fancy algorithm (I call it, “addition”) to compute a final score.  This score will be standardized out of 100%.  Scores above 100% mean the player does better than the previous year, whereas scores below 100% mean the player regresses.  Please give me your feedback, so I can make your experience on Razzball Airlines as pleasurable as possible.  Shall we begin?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

[Sky's Note: I'm not wearing any pants. Wait, that's not the note I came to give you. And how could I carry said note without pockets anyways? Whatevs, our friends over at DraftKings wanted you to know about this little thing called the Sweet Spot. The prize pool is $400,000. That's the kind of pool Scrooge McDuck would swim in and who wouldn't want to swim like Unca Scooge? The coolest part about that link? First time depositors get a free $2 ticket. Wanna know what you can spend that $2 ticket on? A Satellite ticket to get in on this thang. So if you've been sitting on the sidelines while we at the Razz were having fun, now would be a good time to get in the game. We now give you back your regularly scheduled bloggy-type thing.]

Cheers, my Razzballin’ droogs. Why am I sipping a fine Islay at this time of day you may be asking? Firstly, it’s the only scotch I buy (I didn’t say drink) and secondly I can afford it after doubling my bankroll in just one week of play on DraftKings. If you’re not playing, you’re letting cash get scooped up by the likes of me. Thanks, today I’ll buy a genuine alligator skin turban with my winnings. Now if you are a regular DFS player feel free to skip ahead to your humble-but-nontheless-handsome Guru’s picks of the day – they are money. If you have never played daily fantasy sports please allow me to pull on your coat about something here: Get your fanny perpendicular in the game now! I know the fantasy season can be a long haul in the RCLs. It’s a marathon not a sprint blah blah blah. However, with DraftKings every day is a new season, every game, every pitch, every at-bat is of upmost importance and there’s cold hard cash to be won. Quite simply it’s a lot of fun, damn addictive and I got a monkey that likes to party on my back – hi Tehol. And whether you know it or not, sweet innocent Razzballers, you have a distinct advantage on the competition – us. The best way to get in the money quickly is to have the best info available. If you wander into the shark infested waters of DFS without relevant data, predictive stats or a clue you will be chum. Using the Stream-o-Nator, Hitter-tron and our info on Vegas odds and weather forecasts (especially this time of year) gives you a leg up on the competition. Let the Thomas Magnum lookalike drop too much on Miguel Cabrera because he loves the Tigers. We’re going to jam Jose Abreu because we like money and Cuban sandwiches. So, give DraftKings a shot today, join a 50/50 league for a buck and watch your bankroll grow. Just remember us and send a drink our way when we get thirsty. We’re always thirsty. Cheers.

With all that out of the way (I kinda felt like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society there – Carpe Diem!) let me step down from my atop my desk and get down to business. Here’s our picks for Wednesday’s 4/09 contests on DraftKings for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…

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Well, it sorta began last week, but there wasn’t really anything to report. We had one day of stats and a whole lot of J-FOH to deal with. Speaking of, I should point out that he did a wonderful job filling in for me last week as I traveled to the Bahamas and had a plethora of little umbrella drinks placed around my general vicinity. Haha, just kidding, I don’t drink anything with umbrellas in them. And the Bahamas are what I call my bar “area”. Which is really just a shelf with several Makers Mark bottles that have varying levels of fullness. I could have said emptiness, but I’m an optimist. And probably an alcoholic. That being said, we’re here now, together, once again, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I mean, I might, but that involves you buying me a steak dinner. Speaking of ways into my heart, Rudy has found a way to become legend to my soul, and you’ll learn what that is after the jump. So let’s start the story of your 2014 RCL Season…

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Back when Tiger was actually playing in The Masters… Back when he was getting it in all the holes that span the globe before the competition even saw the green… Way back then, the swing perts were gushing about the Stack and Tilt. There was a perverse infatuation with Tiger’s swing and everyone was puttin it on a pedestal. The real (fantasy) playas knew not to put it on a pedestal. But, oh, the irony! Tiger’s swingin brought him to the depths of mediocrity and shame! The golf world tossed aside the Stack and Tilt.

Luckily, rich white dudes’ trash is a fantasy industry worker’s treasure (think $1 bills and mainstream champagne.) The ladies and occasional gentlemen (yes, I use this term “loosely”) of the industry, seamlessly mainstreamed the Stack and Tilt. Of course, the modern day Stack and Tilt uses moves that are far more rhythmic and risqué. What we’re gonna do here is teach you how to acquire some of said $1 bills at DraftKings today by teaching you how to do the Stack and Tilt so you can tear da club up. Let’s twerk it Razzball style!

Now that you got the dance down, don’t forget all the shiny accessories to lead your happy self to glory today. Put your Hittertron on, splash on the Stream-o-nator and brush up on the basics one more time. Remember, you gotta sell yourself. Here’s your pitch:

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Oh man, we’re back baby!  I just wet my pants a little bit.

The first Pitcher Profile is here!  I haven’t been this nervous since Grey had me wax his mustache my first day as an intern.

So if you’re new to Pitcher Profiles, where ya been?!  Well glad to have you, and below is a gargantuan post that I think will break your browser.  But hey!  It’s your one-stop shop (cliche boner) for all pitching questions, rankings, and GIFfing.  I just learned how to GIF, and man, it’s sorta close to learning how to Dougie except less people point and laugh at you (hopefully – but that’d be a bad GIF!).

As always, I tend to select my profiling on a pitcher who is widely available in most 10 and 12ers for owners to gauge their pickup or streaming interest.  I know these was a hope for a Taylor Jordan (sorry Long Beach!) profile, but I wanted to go for a guy who I think can have a bigger impact.  A guy that “Oh my god throws a fire!  Sale.”

We’ve all heard about Nathan Eovaldi‘s stuff.  Huge velocity – the fastest heater in baseball for a starter – but it’s been a while since I’ve really broken down one of his starts.  Plus his name sounds like an Italian deity of fornication.  Now with two solid, you could even say “quality”, starts under his belt (plus he’s still only 24 even though it feels like he’s been around for a while) I decided to tune into his game against the lowly Padres and see if the hurler from Crayola Canyon deserves more love:

Please, blog, may I have some more?