You say Alcides Escobar, I say Jean Segura…Let’s call the whole thing off! That’s you and the co-owner of your fantasy team right before your eyes lock after twelve years of friendship and things suddenly get weird. “Doode, you have nacho cheese on your lip and it’s in a tear drop shape.” “What?” “Nothing. Wanna play touch football? Our team needs a tight end.” On a side-sidenote, doesn’t Jean Segura sound like an actor from the 1950′s? I imagine him lurking in the shadows of Vienna’s back alleys. Jean Segura is…The Third Man!… with Joseph Cotten and Ryan Raburn. “Between Switzerland and Milwaukee, they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock and Miller beer.” That’s Dead Orson Welles schooling you as he waits in line for Zsa Zsa Gabor. “Is she coming or what?!” That’s still Dead Orson Welles. Okay, enough hullabaloney, Segura just missed the cutoff of 150 major league ABs for a 2013 fantasy baseball rookie post, so here he is as a sleeper. Indeed, because I’m yawning. Thanks, Random Italicized Voice. What if I told you Segura once stole 50 bases in the minors? Does that hold your interest? Are you still talking to me? No, I’m talking to everyone. Sure, that was in A-Ball, but guys don’t just steal 50 bases for s’s and g’s if they’re slow as dog balls. Also, he stole 37 bases last year in the minors in about two-thirds of a season. Add an extra third and you have 50+ steals, and don’t even get me started with what he can do with that extra leftover 1%. Have your interest piqued now? I’m still drowsy, but go ahead. Ugh. So what can we expect of Jean Segura in 2013 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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I’m sure in a lot of leagues where people know a thing or two about a thing or two Starling Marte will be one of the things they know a thing or two about. Since it’s still relevant, let’s see what I said last year about him, “The Pirates equipment manager, Buffalo Bill, has to start making a uniform made from Jose Tabata’s skin. Put the lotion in the basket, Tabata! Tabata, “I wanna go home!” You won’t go home, ever. Because you never get on base, that’s the first step to going home. Tabata, “But I was a spring sleeper!” They’re slaughtering the spring lambs. Can’t you hear their screaming? I call that piece, The Mash-Up of the Lambs. In Triple-A, Marte’s hitting .286 with 12 homers and 21 steals *quieter voice* and 12 times caught stealing. So he’s a bit raw like your fava beans. In Double-A the year before, he had 12 homers and 24 steals *barely above a whisper* and 12 times caught stealing. But he did hit .332 in Double-A. I don’t think he’s going to be rosterable off the bat in most mixed leagues, but in keepers and NL-Only leagues, I’d stash him now. He could get 7-10 homers with 10 steals. Plus, with his speed and power combo, he could surprise with nice upside. Now, excuse me, I’m having an old friend for dinner.” And that’s me quoting me! He ended up getting five homers and 12 steals in 167 major league at-bats, and cemented himself in the leadoff spot for the Pirates like he was Jimmy Hoffa. So what can we expect from Starling Marte for 2013 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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I’m all about finding me a late-round flyer for the corner infidel slot. Last year, it should’ve been Edwin Encarnacion. This year watch it be Alberto Callaspo (no effin’ way). What do Luis Cruz, Josh Donaldson, Jeff Keppinger, an Eric Chavez/Chris Johnson platoon, Chris Nelson, a Luis Valbuena/Ian Stewart/Josh Vitters blahtoon, Matt Dominguez and the aforementioned Callaspo have in common? Well, besides being unrecognizable to anyone outside their respective families, they’re currently penciled in as their team’s 3rd baseman. True, pencils have erasers, but this crapoika needs a giant bucket of White Out. You have a 3rd base class that will have you looking for the cream of the crap in 2013 drafts. Oh, and don’t even think about how Longoria, Wright and Zimmerman are being looked at as pillars of health and reliability. This year you don’t even have to be of Greek origin to think Moustakas looks downright delicious. The state of 3rd base brings me to Todd Frazier. So what can we expect of Todd Frazier for 2013 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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I’m most surprised and most excited about this sleeper post because no one is going to want any part of an Astro, let alone this one. Brett Wallace has done nothing to elicit excitement thus far in his career. I could wrangle a group of fantasy baseballers together and get more excitement about the second coming of Grady Sizemore, and I’m talking about his naked pictures, not his on-field second coming, because he’s up to around a fifth or sixth coming in that arena. Wait a second, I just stumbled on brilliance. Arena Baseball! Baseballs made of rubber! A field half the size! Juiced up players! Hmm, that just sounds like regular baseball in the late 90′s. So, Wallace has meandered around the major leagues. No teams really wanted him. He was a 1st baseman in the Blue Jays, Cardinals and A’s systems prior to his current home. Where do prospects go to die? Houston. Yes. I know. In the major leagues, he has a grand total of 16 homers in 232 games. That’s obnoxiously bad. Worse, he’s a 1st baseman (though, he will be 3rd base eligible in some leagues; 5 games started there). With all of those negatives up front, what can we expect of Brett Wallace for 2013 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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Was definitely a struggle to own Ike Davis in 2012. Was uncomfortable like the air in the room when you find out on Christmas Eve that your crazy aunt is going to jail for seven years. Take it from me, for Christmas, don’t buy her a nail file or black and white striped pajamas. Or when she says she was railroaded, don’t comment that’s ironic because now you’re going to be working on the railroad. Looks like I’m gonna need to update Who Is Grey Albright? for my jailbird aunt. Thankfully, criminality skips a generation! If you didn’t outright drop Davis in the first two months, you never appreciated when he turned his season around. And, if you did drop him in the first two months, you really didn’t appreciate it. For hitters with more than 175 plate appearances in the 1st half, he had the 12th worst average at .201 and the 2nd worst case of Valley Fever since Alicia Silverstone in Clueless. Other than Rickie Weeks and Carlos Pena, Davis had the most ABs (268) from the bottom of the batting average charts pre-All-Star break, so he was causing a considerable amount of pain. At the end of May, he was hitting .154…Shoot, he ended July hitting .208. He only ended the season hitting .227, so it wasn’t like he Ichiro-slap-chopped balls for cheap hits at any point last year. His career BABIP (after this horrendous year) is .292. That would put his average in the .260 range with neutral luck. For April through September, he had two months that were in that BABIP range. In June, his BABIP was .288 and in August it was .294. In those two months, he hit .264 and .287, respectively. It wasn’t like he was super lucky to hit .287 one month. He just wasn’t unlucky. The reason why we’re not talking about anything except average is because everything else was absolutely fine last year. So, what can we expect from Ike Davis in 2013 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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You see how I’m segueing from the 2013 fantasy baseball rookies into the 2013 fantasy baseball sleepers. Shizz is seamless, yo. You’re welcome. When Manny Machado was first called up, I compared him to Hanley Ramirez, because of his power/speed combo and his maturity beyond his years. (That’s baseball maturity, I can’t speak to Hanley or Machado’s ability to make responsible decisions; to have confidence and the capacity for self-assertion, certainly; the ability to laugh, and to laugh at yourself, not at the expense of others; to take risks and– well, other signs of maturity as suggested by Ann Landers. I don’t know from maturity, I had to Google it.) Unfortch, Machado no longer has middle infield eligibility. Whatever, his power and speed at the age of 20 (!) will play at 3rd base. Also, I love that the Orioles are going with him. By the age of 22, he could be drafted in the top rounds. So, what does that mean for Manny Machado in 2013 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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For whatever reason the Rockies never gave Eric Young Jr. a fair shot at an everyday playing job. I’m pouring out some of my forty-oh for EY. Okay, enough of that sob story. What is this a Lifetime movie? Sheesh! BTW, if I ever had a son, I’d name him Sheesh. Talk about the annoying looks he would get. “Sheesh, where are you?” “I’m on my way other, why are you so annoyed?” “I’m not. Sheesh!” “You sound it.” “Sheesh!” “What?!” Man, my offspring could lose a good three years total of his life just explaining his name. The Rockies have committed 2nd base in 2013 to Josh Rutledge. In 356 Double-A at-bats last year, he dominated with 13 homers and 14 steals with a .306 average. Then jumped to the majors and kept it going. In 277 ABs, he had eight homers and seven steals with a .274 average. So what can we expect of Josh Rutledge for 2013 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

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You, “Well, it looks like the right URL. But I don’t recognize the site design at all and… ERIC HOSMER AS A SLEEPER?! WHO HACKED GREY’S ACCOUNT?! I wonder if they’re letting his mustache get at least 15 minutes of sunlight per day. SERIOUSLY, DUBYA TEE EFF?!” That’s right, over-the-internet friend, we’ve redesigned the site and now we’re here to redesign your mind on what you think of Hosmer. So, it’s a constant struggle of mine that I think I might be self-defeating. Do I self-sabotage? When choosing people or situations, do I go for the road less traveled not out of excitement, but because it will be more arduous and less likely for success? When I choose a girlfriend, do I try to find one that I know won’t work? Or do I find one that will work and sabotage the relationship? Better yet, is this why I’m interested in Eric Hosmer for 2013? Or so I said to my shrink. Luckily, she knows baseball and is familiar with Eric Hosmer. How could she not after last year? Half of my visits revolved around the Royals 1st baseman. “Grey, I want you to go home and write a sell post for Hosmer, then reduce it to two point font size and have it tattooed under your eyelids.” And that’s why I pay the big money to an non-accredited shrink! On the flip side of that coin, there’s an eagle. On the flip flip side, I refuse to draft Hosmer because of his 2012, then he produces in 2013. Well, that’s the dilemma: draft a guy that caused me so much pain to get more pain or not draft a guy and watch him succeed on someone else’s team. Here we have a crossroads. Maybe we should first look at what he can do next year. So what should we expect from Eric Hosmer for 2013 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?

Please, blog, may I have some more?