Once upon a time, I investigated how 2012 “OPS against” views different pitching staffs and what this means for fantasy baseball pitcher values. Specifically, I looked at the worst teams. Today, I’m going to finish that two part series and cover the best teams. I also include WHIP and BB/9 because I like to trap myself in the closet with statistics while I write a hip hopera. Without further delay, here is the list of OPS by team of the best pitching staffs (the best are ranked first):

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Scott White from CBS hosted this NL-Only draft that started at 8 AM PST. For the second time in my life, I was glad I didn’t live in Hawaii. The first time was when I received a coconut piggy bank from every relative that ever went to visit Hawaii. They should have a March Madness tournament for number one wackiest export. In the first round, Hawaii vs. China with coconut piggy banks going against backscratchers. They can meet the winner of the match-up between Switzerland and Taiwan with cuckoo clocks taking on baby corn. “I can’t believe baby corns advanced to the 2nd round. I didn’t think cuckoo clocks could be beat.” That’s the guy in your office who bets on anything that’s organized in a tournament. I drafted the team almost completely on my own since it was so early and Rudy was nursing a huffing hangover. Rudy did scoop in and draft the bench because, well, I had to poop. Anyway, here’s our 2013 fantasy baseball NL-Only team:

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The MLB season is almost upon us! And what better way to celebrate than by fulfilling your dream of playing with Rudy. At our Halloween party last year, Rudy dressed up as Chucky and went around asking chicks, “My name’s Rudy, wanna playyyyy?” Luckily, there are no more lawsuits pending.

Our friends at DraftKings are accommodating a RAZZBALL NATION ONLY CONTEST on April 2nd against our own Rudy Gamble, where for $5, yes as much as a crappy foot of sandwich, you can win a ticket into the $150,000 Walk off Contest on April 12, where the top winner will win $50,000. That’s like – a million crappy sandwiches. I know Rudy doesn’t have that bushy mustache or those daiquiri soaked lips, but he is a fantasy god amongst us mere mortals and will be near impossible to topple.

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Maybe I’m getting greedy, but Lance Berkman looks like somebody that could have not just one but two bounce back seasons in his career. The first came in 2011 when he won Comeback Player of the Year. 2012 saw him succumb to injuries, however, and many were left wondering if he would even play again. I think that Big Puma has another big bounce back in him for 2013.

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And the Tigerettes sang, “He was talked up as closer, but now he’s sent down… Da Bruce Rondon gone, Da Bruce Rondon… Somebody told me he made Leyland frown… Da Bruce Rondon gone, da Bruce Rondon… Yeah, he sucked in spring… Yes, his stats would sting… But now my team’s saves are boned… Da Bruce Rondon gone, Da Bruce Rondon…” As Randy Jackson would say, we got ourselves a pitchy competition, dawg! *sips from Pepsi cup, looks at Mariah for approval, fixes silver chain, sucks in gut under sweater that he’s wearing with no undershirt which makes it look really itchy, laughs at some Nicki Minaj nonsense, says to Seacrest, “I don’t know, we’ll have to see what America thinks” and smiles* So, Bruce Rondon was sent down and now the Tigers closer job is Hollywood Week. Auditions are down to Al Al’etc, Santa K, New Mexiclosero, Al Al, Coke Is It, Coke Is So 80’s Octavio Dotel Is It, Alquin Cokel, Octaquin BenCokel and Philquin Alburcoke. And that’s only four guys! Hang tight, guys and four girl readers, it’s a closerousel. Lots of possible outcomes here. All four guys could do well in a committee and Leyland utilizes it the whole year. Two guys do well and we get a portmanteau closer, let’s call it a SAGNOFtaur. Three guys could do well, let’s call that, The Three StoogeNOF. Another possibility: as we know from the past with Leyland’s ‘Set it and Forget It’ lineup card management, he likes to stick with one thing. So one guy takes the job by mid-April and holds it for the majority of the year. This is the best possibility for all involved. I think that’s also what happens. Leyland’s got cigarettes to smoke, he doesn’t have time to be walking to the mound to change pitchers! So who from Octavio Dotel, Al Alburquerque, Joaquin Benoit and Phil Coke does he go with? As the prude brothel’s sign announces, therein lies the rub. Al Al’etc is a monster for Ks, he’s my first option because he could provide solid value while the job is being decided. Then, I like Dotel. He reduced his walks last year and kept his Ks. He also has some closer experience. Next up: Joaquin Benoit. He was very successful last year in middle relief, but he can’t go on back-to-back days or stay healthy. Finally, Phil Coke. I wouldn’t grab him outside of AL-Only leagues. Big strike against him: he’s a lefty. In his favor: he closed games in the playoffs last year. It’s a shituation of epicloser proportions. Oh, and I wouldn’t grab more than one guy. I’d take a gamble on one guy, form a prayer rectangular and hope it works out. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:

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You might be saying to yourself, “Really, is this guy trying to sell me Yonder Alonso? A no-power corner on the Padres no less?” I guess. I mean, if you want, you can save your money and invest in pogs. Or, you can hear me out. I enjoy a challenge, and it looks like I have a lot of time on my hands since, apparently, I gave up sex for lent. That doesn’t include my dakimakura though. I should note that kissing someone, excuse me, something, that doesn’t move is quite awkward. Not to mention the whole situation can get a bit messy. But that’s neither here or there. Well, it’s here, but it shouldn’t be there. Unless you want it to be. Then, you know, bewbs or GTFO.

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The Yankees are the movie Family Plot with hot, upcoming stars Bruce Dern, William Devane, and Karen Black. Alfred Hitchcock is the master suspense and this is his greatest movie about a man obsessed with a blonde since ever! The Yankees are Tupac’s last posthumously released album featuring Papoose, Lil’ Scrappy and Big Syke. Hear what Tupac never wanted you to hear in a way he never meant for you to hear it ever! The Yankees are the leftover stuffing from your 2010 Thanksgiving that you ate then pooped into a Tupperware container and decided to see what it would be like in two years in your freezer. They are so done that done called and said, “Nuh-uh, don’t be comparing me to them or we’re done.” Add Derek Jeter to the list of the Yankees MASH unit that are wearing fatigues. It’s now being reported Jeter could miss a big part of April. He won’t appear in a minor league game until next week and Cashman said Jeter needs to play in back-to-back games for nine innings before being activated. Jeter can’t even play in a few innings per week, let alone back-to-back nine-inning games. I think the next guy to come down with an ailment is Cashman, as he tries to move to another team that is on the precipice of greatness. “Arte, I like what you did with Trout, Pujols and Hamilton, have you thought about spending $350 million on Miggy?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for fantasy baseball:

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As the Season draws closer, hell, it’s basically here tomorrow, the Closer Apocalypse of 2012 is starting to be as ritualistic as a Mayan prediction. So, for those not in the know, it’s basically going to happen again, and has already started. Injuries either that are lingering from last year or new ones that get covered with Snoopy boo-boo strips are popping up. It’s going to happen, but don’t fret. Smokey is here with a doomsday prepper’s guide to handling the relief situations that are always in flux. So grab your prepper’s bible and 12 lbs. of powdered eggs and let me settle you down some. Here are some guys that I am storing away for the inevitable next closer carousel situation, because staying ahead of the waiver wire is cool and gets you stickers.

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Rick Porcello won the 5th starter spot in Detroit over Smyly. Or Frownly, as the case may now be. Yawn. This is most unexciting news ever. This is like reading a Yelp review for The Cheesecake Factory. They have big portions. Yay. Who even writes Yelp reviews for The Cheesecake Factory? I want some of your free time, Cheesecake Factory reviewer. I don’t like Porcello and wouldn’t draft him in any leagues. He has a 5-ish K/9, which is atrocious. Which II, The Return of Which Mountain, leads Porcello to need good luck on balls hit into play. Though, no matter what I say, Porcello is invariably asked about in the comments for whether or not to pick him up, so y’all ain’t reading this anyway, and, since you’re not reading, I was the one who made heaving noises from the movie theater balcony and dropped cream of corn soup on your head. (Spoiler Alert for Game of Thrones: Was I the only one who was reminded of Chunk from The Goonies when Tyrion was confessing to the weird breastfeeding lady? Any the hoo!) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for fantasy baseball:

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And the Prospect Gods looked down at the Cardinals pitching staff and proclaimed, “And so it Shelby…” But the Gods decided to keep Oscar Taveras for themselves — at least for a little while. Bunch of Federalist-loving pigs. So, the Cardinals make up for starting Jon Jay over Oscar Taveras by giving prospect, Shelby Miller, the 5th starter role over non-descript-in-every-way, Joe Kelly. When I say, boo, you say ya. Boo…ya! Boo…ya! Cherimo…ya! Ah, fooled you. In November, I wrote a Shelby Miller 2013 fantasy. There I said, “The final answer on (whether he makes the rotation) will probably be decided on the last few days of Spring Training. In 2012, he was called up towards the end of the season and gave a 10.54 K-rate and a 1.32 ERA in 13 2/3 innings. If you look up that stat line in the thesaurus, its synonym is “lights out.” Due to a butterfly flapping its wings in Indonesia, Miller also had a 10.54 K-rate in Triple-A through 136 2/3 IP. His ERA wasn’t as purdy, but he “re-committed” himself in the 2nd half of 2012 and had a 2.88 ERA in his last ten starts with a 70/7 K/BB. Weird, cause I had an aunt who was “re-committed” and things didn’t turn out half as well. He can be a number one pitcher. When I say that about a 22-year-old, we’re talking about someone having the possibility at a top ten pitcher in all of baseball. Knowing the way Cardinals turn out young men… Um, I mean, knowing the way the St. Louis Cardinals can turn prospects into solid major league pitchers (the Vatican asked me to specify), I wouldn’t be surprised to see Shelby Miller being a productive member of the Cards rotation in 2013. For 2013, I see 10-4/3.63/1.27/155 in 150 innings and 21 starts. That’s a huge projection for a rookie pitcher. And there’s a chance for more.” And that’s me quoting me! I’m in love. He should be owned in all leagues. Yes, even your eight-person league where you own all eight teams. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?