I went ahead and picked up Jarrod Dyson this past week only to watch him sprain his ankle before even entering my lineup. ESPN has him listed as 0.0% ownership, so apparently my team doesn’t even count in their world. I was about to get all depressed about it and throw on my Skinny Puppy t-shirt and black eyeliner when I realized that this is a SAGNOF world, and that means when one speedster goes down, we just go to the heap for another. We’re about 1/4 of the way through the season already, and that means it’s time to take a look at some stats for pitchers, catchers, and teams to try to exploit when chasing steals. I’ll also take a look at what Will Venable is up to and how Pedro Florimon may be a possible source of cheap speed in very deep leagues. At the beginning of the season, I posted the 2012 numbers for pitchers and catchers who should be exploited or avoided when it comes to steals, as well as team SB allowed for matchup purposes. Here are those same stats through the first 40 games of the 2013 season.

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Almost two months into the 2013 Major League Baseball season and things have suddenly turned into Bizarro World from the Superman comics. Those not familiar with the term please note what the scholarly website Uncyclopedia says, “Bizarro World is a situation or setting which is weirdly inverted or opposite of expectations.” In Bizarro World, Bizarro Coke tastes like Pepsi, Bizzaro USA is Canada and Bizarro Tom Cruise is a heterosexual, black orthodox Jew. 

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Age ain’t nothin but a number, baby. And speaking of numbers, what’s yours? Oh you’re here with friends and you’re just at the bar getting their drinks? But you only have one…hello, where are you going? I knew I should’ve shaved my ear hair before going out tonight…and scene. I give you this painful glimpse into an aging man’s world so that you might better understand this week’s Creeper Of The Week. Getting old sucks. Getting wasted and passing out is no longer considered cool, it usually gets you fired. Your smoking hot girlfriend who used to go out and party with you is now your wife and wishes you’d grow up. Muscles you didn’t even know you used or had begin to ache even with the slightest change to your exercise routine. You stretch and you warm up, ready to take these fools on the court out. You think you look like Black Mamba out there but in reality, you just look like Will Ferrell from Semi-Pro minus that sweet frickin’ afro. Like I said, reality hits you hard bro and that definitely happened to Eric Chavez and his HOF career gone wrong. This man has pretty much lived on the DL since about 2006 and at age 35 there’s no reason to think that’ll stop. So with all that, why should you be interested in Eric for week 8 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season? Follow me to the second paragraph to find out and make sure to bring a walking cane…

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Phil Hughes – Oh Phillip, you sure had me fooled bud. You were having a nice season and had a very nice matchup with Seattle this week. You’ve always dominated Seattle, Phil. Your career numbers against them were staggering, and here Seattle was, coming into your house. I fully expected the taste of victory, but you pulled an R. Kelly, urinating all over my face, down my throat and even in my eyes, causing temporary blindness as well as hours upon hours of regurgitation. The fact that I would surely be delighted if someone “Nancy Kerrigan’ed” Hughes this weekend almost makes me feel demonic.

Howard Hughes could have put up a superior performance on the mound Wednesday night. And that’s after locking himself in his theater room for months on end, filling up countless milk bottles with calcium enhanced piss. I truly believe in my heart that Howard could have come out of exclusion, walked into Yankee stadium, and shown at least 3 times the testicular fortitude than the constant let down we know as Phil. Hold on. What?? Howard Hughes is dead? Who cares? Dig up his rotting carcass, sprinkle some voodoo on him to get him movin like Bernie,”and throw him out there. On a side note that down south dance and rap song inspired by the Weekend at Bernies saga is one of the more underrated trends to ever hit the United States and died out much too quickly in my opinion. Peep game

If we all do our part, we may be able to make this song relevant again. He might even be interested in the Razzball podcast but I’d have to host as Capozzi doesn’t speak fluent ebonics. He speaks Canadian though, so that’s cool. Or not. Anyway let’s get to to what else I saw in fantasy this week. Do it like Bernie!

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David Freese has an OBP higher than his slugging, which is only a good sign when you’re Joey Votto. His .224/.298/.259 line is begging you to beg me why you still have him on your roster. What’s cooler than being cool? David Freese! Somewhere, Mr. Freeze says, “Ice to see you, David.” Here’s the deal: his plate discipline appears to be just as good as last season. The only significant change is in his batted ball data, where he’s hitting a lot more ground balls and less fly balls than he’s hit in his career. This looks like something that is highly likely to normalize as the season progresses so, like Jim Cramer, I’m going to tell you to, “Buy! Buy! Buy!” In fact, I expect him to produce near his career .290/.350/.430 line for the rest of 2013. Color me optimistic, Radiohead, but I’ll be buying low on Freese. Anyway, here are some other players who have hit me with their best shot in OPS leagues:

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This is not a drill. Eric Young Jr. should actually see steady starts in right field with Michael Cuddyer hitting the disabled list. After Helton went down we were teased by the occasional EY2 start. I may or may not have seen Grey with a Cuddyer voodoo doll in his hand and next thing I know, EY2 is the Rockies leadoff hitter and starting right fielder. He and a few others who are on page one of the steals’ leaderboards may still be available in your league. Juan Pierre, Michael Saunders, and Kelly Johnson all graduated from this list with over 50% ownership now. Hopefully they are able to contribute to their new fantasy owners instead of doing what I did when I graduated, which was sitting in my parents’ basement eating pizza rolls and hoping that today would be “PLINKO” day on The Price Is Right.

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Mark Twain wrote there are three types of lies; there’s lies, damned lies and baseball stats. That’s from Huckleberry Finn, Page 84…I think. I’m not entirely sure as I went to an “alternative high school” in Maine which was a flannel-clad cross between Glee and Lord of the Flies. Now everybody sing “Don’t you Forget About Me” while I impale this pig’s head on a spear. Happy Mother’s Day!

*Now back to our regularly scheduled blog*

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Hold me! Clap, clap! Love me! Clap, clap! Eight days a week, he will Pronk you! Hrm, I just turned an awesome Beatles tune into something sordid sounding. Sorry for the ending to that sentence, lispers, and welcome to your weekly addition of the Creeper series. Why is it called the creeper series, you ask? I honestly don’t know, I didn’t make it up. Grey just said “hey, you wanna rub my feet and feed me grapes while listening to Paula Cole on my iPod?” and when I said the obligatory “no,” he said there’s something else I could do to help him. In a statement made in the pursuit of honesty and integrity, picking Travis Hafner feels a little underhanded. As of this typing, he’s 24.8% owned in ESPN leagues and 35% owned in yahoo leagues. But he’s not owned in one of my RCLs so I felt justified. Yes, I have more than one RCL. Don’t judge me. But, more to the point, the ownership of Pronk might be higher than it currently should be. As of Saturday morning, Hafner is just 8/34 with only 1 HR over his last 14. So why am I suggesting him, you ask? Well that’s what paragraph two is for, silly! So with that, let’s see why you should visit the Pronktologist during week 7 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…

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