True story: one of my childhood friends had a younger brother who was big into WWF or WWE or whatever that wrestling league was called with the Undertaker and so and so and such and such…yeah, it’s clear I didn’t watch it at any point really but that’s not the point of this story. So it was the summertime and said friend and I along with our regular High School crew went out around our town of 5,000 to see what there was to see and do what there was to do. After 10 seconds, we realized that ‘nothing’ was the answer to the previous ‘see/do’ commentary and headed back to his house. When we opened the door, we were shocked to find his brother putting wrestling moves on a stuffed bear but that wasn’t the only segment that was awkward about this. He was doing all of this with only basketball shorts and a Batman utility belt on with wrestling figures in all the belt pockets. When he realized we were taking in his wrestling kabuki theater of horrors, he turned to us with the look of a man who knows he’ll never live it down and balled ‘what are you doing here?!?’ and girlishly ran to his room. We literally couldn’t move for about 10 seconds as we stood and stared into the open space that once held one of the weirdest moments we wished we’d never seen in our lives. And done, thank you for reading and I’ll see you next week! Oh wait, this isn’t my personal blog I’m here to pick a hitter to roll with as the creeper of the week. Ok, I’ll take Chris Nelson for $1000, Alex. Daily Double! Oh, that pun might actually hold into the next paragraph. Wanna find out? Well read on as we see more about Chris for 2013 fantasy baseball…

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Former St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Joaquin Andujar once said, “You can sum up in one word the game of baseball: ‘You never know.'”

Well said Joaquin, well said.

You never know how the season will go and what stars will emerge and what stars will fade to black (someone please cue up Metallica here. I’m tired of boy bands). That’s part of the fun and frustration of fantasy sports. But even if you drafted well, with all your players off to a hot start and you are filled to the brim with confidence and trash talk, you just never know when you are going to hear that one word the game of baseball truly despises: The disabled list. *tips cap to Professor Andujar*

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There are always guys that you can grab for some extra speed if you need it, and this week we’ll look at a few more players who are not widely owned but who may be able to contribute some steals to your lineup. After batting .000 last week with my picks of Michael Saunders and Aaron Hicks, we’ll dig a little deeper in the waiver wire pile for some speed. Hicks can’t seem to hit the broad side of a barn, and Saunders, who was off to a great start, decided to play chicken with the right field wall and is now sidelined for about a month. Let’s take a look at this week’s speedsters and let’s hope for some better luck…

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Wow, assembling this week’s list of players made me dizzy with enthusiasm. No. I’m lying. To help write this post, I have a hired a shadow writer sorta speak. Readership meet my shadow writer — Vodka. Vodka, meet readership. What did you say? Drink more? Silly you. You’re already empty! Let’s get this thing started before I get prescribed anti-depressants.

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Welcome to the brand new series called Bear or Bull. In this series, we will be talking about animals and how they relate to baseball players. No, really, we are. Otis Nixon is a cheetah! No, not like that. More like, if by animals I mean market trend descriptors. Yes, that totally makes more sense. No, not really. Basically, I’ll be spotlighting players every week and make a framework of where they trending, a big picture analysis type of thing. Think Sky’s Creeper of the Week, but for multiple seasons, mixed with a hint of Grey’s Buy/Sell with a touch of my manly musk and prowess. We’ll do some light bio work, have some lol’s, make some GIFs, and assess where this player is and where this player is going. In the end, you’ll learn whether or not I’m Bearish (not zesty) or Bullish (yes please) on the player. Personally, I’d always want to be the bear. A polar bear actually. All I would do is hunt for seals and fish, drink a bunch of Coke, and never fear anything. Well, except global warming I guess. And maybe acid reflux.

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Note: If you don’t want the story, just scroll down to the bottom to see the statistical markers on how to tell the difference between Hot/Cold streaks or a real improvement or eroding of skills. But Santa is watching. And so am I. All the time.

Welcome friends and family! Actually, you’re right. Hi Mom. Thanks for being my only reader. I’m not sure if you remember who Chris Shelton is, but I certainly do. A week or so ago, I was actually thinking back to the best hot streaks to open the season, and if any of them were produced by players that I had owned. After all, the season is only a week old. Hope springs eternal and what not. So, of course I’m expecting Mike Morse to hit 489 homeruns. And yes, Yu Darvish will finish the season with 56,284 strike-outs. Stop looking at me like that. Thinking back and reminiscing all those seasons I’ve been playing fantasy baseball, which is 16 years if you needed to know. And since I deemed it necessary that you know that, I also, while somewhat ego driven, deem it necessary that you know I am not an old fogey. I’m actually only 30. Which to me feels old, but in fact, really is not that old. If you need proof, ask anyone over the age of 30 how they feel. I assume they will say they feel older than me. And then roll their eyes in disgust. And also, while we’re on this tangent, I’m not fat either. My OkCupid profile says I’m ‘average’, so therefore, it is the truth. And no, you’re not getting a link. Unless you are a hot female that resides in the greater metro area.

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Kids these days, you all have it so good. All your video games have the most primo controllers. I went and googled Joystick just to find out how much these things have changed over time and what I saw shocked me. Well, that was partially my fault seeing as I went to google images and had the filter off. Note to self: never look up ‘grab my joystick’ ever again. But I digress, the controllers for these new systems are amazing. The Wii-mote? The coolest. The Playstation one? Stellar. When I had video games at your age – and yes I’m going to pretend you’re all way younger than me and spoiled so just play along – all I got was two buttons, Rob The Robot and a power glove. A FREAKIN POWER GLOVE, PEOPLE. But of course, you just got what the industry calls filler cuz that’s what this industry is full of. There’s no way I can write 500 plus words about Matt Joyce unless I started talking about his family heritage or his love for deep sea fishing. Did you really wanna hear about that? Didn’t think so. Of course, you didn’t wanna hear about joy sticks either but this Joyce stick should probably be in your lineup for week two of 2013 fantasy baseball. Don’t believe me? Well then read on!

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An exciting kickoff to the 2013 MLB season. I’m sure  Ken Burns documented it all with black and white photos, mournful fiddle music and the soothing voice of Doris Kearns Goodwin. But, in case you missed it, here’s…

The good: Yu Darvish nearly perfect, 2-homer opener for Bryce Harper,  Michael Morse pretends he’s Hammerin’ Hank and Heidi Watney’s tight black dress. Please, blog, may I have some more?

Please, blog, may I have some more?