Ryan Braun tested positive for something. Maybe it was a performance-enhancing drug. Maybe it wasn’t a performance-enhancing drug just one that causes a positive test. Maybe he just drank sixteen bottles of Red Bull and made out with a stripper who had a cold sore. I don’t know. No one knows, but Ryan Braun. Some will say whatever he did is unforgivable. Others will say they couldn’t forgive him after he came out with a line of t-shirts for Affliction. He’s guilty until proven innocent nowadays and, frankly, I’m fine with that and don’t call me Frank Lee. Players should know what they can ingest. Pay me $10 million a year to play a game and I’ll make sure I’m aware of the banned substances. Did Prince Fielder get a batch of tainted tempeh and Ryan Braun ate it before Fielder could? Well, that seems impossible; no one eats Prince’s tempeh but Prince. Whatever comes out, what really concerns us is what are we supposed to make of Ryan Braun for 2012 fantasy baseball?Please, blog, may I have some more?
As reported ad nauseum yesterday, Albert Pujols signed with the Los Angeles Suburb of Los Angeles Angels yesterday. Or the Albertaheim Pujalos, as they should now be called. Something that wasn’t reported, with Pujols going from a Cardinal to an Angel, Dan Brown now has a new book idea. After every home run, Pujols seemed to be pointing at God, but he was obviously pointing at the Angels. And since it is the Christmas season, let us not forget: When a Pujols gets a contract, an Angel gets his rings. Someone reported how Pujols stands to make $68,493 per day. I have an idea: Occupy Pujols! They’ll like that one in West Hollywood. Okay, enough of the jibber-jabbering.Please, blog, may I have some more?
And just like with the Wayan Brothers, the Marlins like sequels. This offseason is a sequel to 1997′s spending spree. We’ll call this one, “Don’t Be A Miser In South Florida While Drinking Your Profits In The Hood.” Mark Buehrle signed on with the Marlins for $58 million. The Marlins are currently acting like they are under the ownership of Montgomery Brewster. Jeffrey Loria is investing so much, Bernie Madoff probably wishes he was back in the game. It’s like Loria is investing all the money that Wilpon lost. Last year Buehrle had his 3rd straight year of a K-rate under 5. He’s about as bleh as pitchers get. Anyway, here’s some more moves from the Winter Meetings for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Huston Street – Traded to the Padres for a player to be named later. I think the PTBNL in the Street deal will be an undocumented worker from a meat processing plant. Gotta keep Dante Bichette’s Inferno Hot Dog stand stocked up. No one wants a repeat of the hot dogs with drifter meat from the Larry Walker Ranch. Assuming Street will be healthy, he’ll be more than suitable as a closer.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sergio Santos was traded to the Blue Jays for Nestor Molina, no relation to Alfred. Santos will take over the Blue Jays closing job with Frank Francisco being waved away like a stale fart — Stank Fartcisco, if you will. Santos was made for this job. He’s a cyborg. A cyborg of Ks who was sent here from the future to save games and to dance to the club remix of O Canada. Only wish he wasn’t traded so less people would be aware of him and he’d come as a bargain in 2012 fantasy drafts. Alas, he’s still gonna be worth a high (for a closer) draft pick. Last year he had 92 Ks in 63 1/3 IP. Who are you, Carlos Marmol? I love you, Santos, now have my babies and then name them something with a K. Like Klancy or Kasey or Keith. Anyway, here’s some more moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Heath Bell – Signed with the Miami Marlins to replace Juan Carlos Oviedo, who wants to know why the Florida Marlins can change their name but he can’t. Heath Bell will be a capable closer that I may or may not have on my fantasy teams, depending on where he’s drafted. I think he’ll probably be too rich for my blood. If I get a transfusion, I’ll revisit him.Please, blog, may I have some more?