Tyler Pastornicky was born 12/13/1989, which is crazy young, good lord.
Certainly he’s too young to have been a fifth round draft pick THREE YEARS ago by the Toronto Blue Jays. Or not, I suppose.
He made his way down to Georgia as part of the semi-big trade that exiled Yunel Escobar and his “’tude” to Canada, which isn’t a portion of the United States of America. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yu Darvish is on his way to the States to pitch for the Rangers. Erik wrote a Yu Darvish 2012 fantasy post already. To pull some quotes from that article, “Darvish was once involved in a “major scandal” in Japan, where he was caught smoking,” “He also goes by the Persian name Farid, meaning ‘glorious,’” and “He mixes in a cutter.” He sounds like he’s in the Yakuza. I don’t want to draft Yu; I wanna hang out with him in illegal gambling halls and pick up coquettish girls. I’m gonna be honest with you (for the first time ever!) and tell you I don’t know what to make of Darvish’s Japanese numbers. Dice-K came to the States with some serious bells and whistles. In his first year, he had a 4.40 ERA. The Ks did, for lack of a better word, translate to the States early on for Dice-K and I think they will too for Yu (hey, sounds like there’s a haiku in there). His stuff looks filthy and batters will not be familiar with him at all. Last year, he had 276/36 K/BB in over 232 innings. Please, blog, may I have some more?
And just like with the Wayan Brothers, the Marlins like sequels. This offseason is a sequel to 1997′s spending spree. We’ll call this one, “Don’t Be A Miser In South Florida While Drinking Your Profits In The Hood.” Mark Buehrle signed on with the Marlins for $58 million. The Marlins are currently acting like they are under the ownership of Montgomery Brewster. Jeffrey Loria is investing so much, Bernie Madoff probably wishes he was back in the game. It’s like Loria is investing all the money that Wilpon lost. Last year Buehrle had his 3rd straight year of a K-rate under 5. He’s about as bleh as pitchers get. Anyway, here’s some more moves from the Winter Meetings for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Huston Street – Traded to the Padres for a player to be named later. I think the PTBNL in the Street deal will be an undocumented worker from a meat processing plant. Gotta keep Dante Bichette’s Inferno Hot Dog stand stocked up. No one wants a repeat of the hot dogs with drifter meat from the Larry Walker Ranch. Assuming Street will be healthy, he’ll be more than suitable as a closer. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sergio Santos was traded to the Blue Jays for Nestor Molina, no relation to Alfred. Santos will take over the Blue Jays closing job with Frank Francisco being waved away like a stale fart — Stank Fartcisco, if you will. Santos was made for this job. He’s a cyborg. A cyborg of Ks who was sent here from the future to save games and to dance to the club remix of O Canada. Only wish he wasn’t traded so less people would be aware of him and he’d come as a bargain in 2012 fantasy drafts. Alas, he’s still gonna be worth a high (for a closer) draft pick. Last year he had 92 Ks in 63 1/3 IP. Who are you, Carlos Marmol? I love you, Santos, now have my babies and then name them something with a K. Like Klancy or Kasey or Keith. Anyway, here’s some more moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Heath Bell – Signed with the Miami Marlins to replace Juan Carlos Oviedo, who wants to know why the Florida Marlins can change their name but he can’t. Heath Bell will be a capable closer that I may or may not have on my fantasy teams, depending on where he’s drafted. I think he’ll probably be too rich for my blood. If I get a transfusion, I’ll revisit him. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jose Reyes went from the King of Queens (See, Reyes is Spanish for kings. Things are much more interesting when they need to be explained, aren’t they?) to the land of retired Jews as he signed with the Miami Marlins. Did Jeffrey Loria’s great auntie die and leave him with an extra hundred million? Team moves into a new stadium, changes its name and suddenly has money to burn. Looks like Marlin employers might actually get Christmas gifts this year…. Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Indians said this, “We don’t expect Grady Sizemore to play 150 to 160 games like he has in the past.” At the start of the 2012 season it will be four years the last time he played that many games, so I’m glad they’re being realistic. They should’ve also said, “We don’t expect him to steal 20 bases. Hit 20 homers. Hit for much of an average unless you consider .250 much. Here’s hoping he takes some more nude pictures of himself and we get Grady’s Ladies buying season tickets again. Now I’m going back to my game of Words With Friends with Asdrubal.” If you want to assume Grady’s going to be fully healthy in 2012, something I would not assume, then you should get a line near 80/18/75/.250/5. Oh my dear deity of your choice, Sizemore has become Torii Hunter with a poor average. I’d avoid unless he falls very late or goes for cheap. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Or is it Philly adds pap shmear to their J-Roll? What, icky? Sorry, friend. The Phils signed Jonathan Papelbon to a silly deal of sillier proportions. Maybe the Phils should move to the Santa Ynez Valley because their replacement of Madson is a sideways move. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yu Darvish has been generating lots of headlines stateside after rumors circulated last week that he had asked the Nippon Ham Fighters to make him available for MLB teams this winter. Shortly thereafter Darvish himself shot down these rumors, but did not rule out leaving Japan saying, “I haven’t decided anything [about my future].” Adding fuel to the fire is his recent choice to be represented by Arn Tellem and Don Nomura, agents well-known for helping Japanese players transition to Major League Baseball. Please, blog, may I have some more?
For Philly fans (myself included), it was hard to imagine a worse way for the 2011 season to end. As prohibitive favorites to win the World Series, the Phillies watched a 2-1 series lead evaporate with it all culminating in a Ryan Howard groundout to end the series that saw him pull up lame and fall to the ground in a heap. Please, blog, may I have some more?