In a prior article posted in Razzball, “An Audacious Account of the Evolution of the Rules of Baseball,” I touched upon the various exploits of Michael “King” Kelly. However, some of Kelly’s antics were so outrageous, so entertaining, and his impact on the evolution of the game so profound, that I thought that he was deserving of his own article.
Please, blog, may I have some more?2012 Fantasy Baseball
Jesus Hamilton Christ, has anyone ever been that hot? After contributing a .467 AVG with 9 HR and 18 RBI this last week, if you Hamilton owners somehow managed to lose your matchup I feel bad for you son, you got 99 problems and a bitch ass offense is one of them.
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When Heath Bell looked like garbage on Sunday, Frank Francisco returned serve with three of his own runs. It was like watching a tennis match between Jon Lovitz and that guy from Felicity. Rather than getting the hook by his manager, Frank-Frank was ejected for arguing balls and strikes. The ump should’ve told him, “With your stuff, I wouldn’t have the balls to throw strikes either.” Jon Rauch is next in line here, but, before the ink can dry on his neck, he could lose the job too. Though, I would grab him, in the non-sexual way. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ike Davis – Sat out yesterday with flu-like symptoms. Like. Oh. My. Gahd. I hopes it’s not Valley Fever.
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Hey, I’m Higgins and I’m going to be posting updates about our Fantasy Razzball leagues. If you are not familiar with Fantasy Razzball, it is a league format where us truly masochistic fantasy baseballers try to build the worst fantasy baseball team possible.
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An action packed week is in store for ya. I know you can barely contain yourselves. Every single team has 7 games this week. Add in the fact that the start of interleague play is upon us and it is like a delicious fantasy burrito.
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Jesus Montero isn’t trying to break your heart. Since arriving on the godforsaken Seattle Mariners, Jesus performed the miracle of allowing King Felix to dominate while throwing pitches as fast as Jamie Moyer, who he resurrected from the dead. He also tried to turn Chone Figgins into a useful player, but realized that was never his destiny.
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Albert Pujols, Prince Fielder, Mark Teixeira, Jose Bautista, Ryan Howard, Miguel Cabrera, Dan Uggla, Adrian Gonzalez, Paul Konerko.
Nice group, yeah? Those are 9 of the 10 leaders in HR from 2009-2011.
Pujols, Fielder, Teixeira, Howard, Cabrera, Uggla.
Listed there are 6 of the 7 players to hit at least 30 HR in every season from 2009 through 2011.
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I already explained what this series of entries is about in last week’s article. If there’s one thing we stalkers hate, it’s locked doors… but if there’s another thing we hate, it’s paper shredders. My point is, somewhere on that list of things we hate is having to explain ourselves, so click that link if you have no idea what’s going on here.
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Hola Razzballers! This is my first article for Razzball Baseball and if you’re a Razzball loyalist (and really, why aren’t you?) you may recognize me from the fantasy football side of things last year. I look forward to summoning you guys (and some gals) some Phillip Humber-esque perfect fantasy advice. Just not against the Red Sox or Indians.
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Even King Mo, Thy Saver of the Throne, Sire of Sutter, Haver of Fingers, Tester of the Quiz, Nowhere Near the Stench of the Wickman is not immune to the closepocalypse that is upon us. The plague of ninth inning locusts strikes all that cross thee path! What? I was pouring out some Olde English for the brothers who aren’t here. Mariano Rivera was hurt shagging fly balls. Last person hurt like that was Jenna Jameson. It didn’t look good, as he was carted off in pain, and it turned out even worse, as he was diagnosed with a torn ACL. David Robertson should’ve been owned already, but here’s a real reason to, you save vulture. This is frustrating not because I owned Rivera. I don’t; I don’t believe in $12 Salads, but someone is lucking into Robertson, who could end up one of the best closers in baseball this year. If you’re really hurting for saves, it’s worth a speculative grab to pick up Rafael Soriano. The Yankees would have to be five cookies short of a potential Biggest Loser contestant’s breakfast to skip K-Rob for Soriano, but he does have closer experience. Whatever that means nowadays. After the closepocalypse, half the league’s pitchers have closer experience. Juan Cruz has it now! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Pablo Sandoval – Wanna hear something freaky? You have a third nipple!?
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