Dallas McPherson reminds a lot of myself, if I hit 42 home runs in my last year of Triple-A, or if I played in the minors or any sort of organized sport. I was a city checkers champion in 6th grade.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Brian Fuentes heads to the Angels, confirming some suspicions I had. The guy at Subway spit into your tuna? No, those weren’t suspicions, that was *spooky voice* paranoia. While so many fantasy baseball ‘perts were appointing Arrendondo the closer of the Angels right after the K-Rod departure, I had my suspicions it was a bit premature. Why couldn’t Scot Shields take over as the closer, I thought? (Yes, when I think I do it in a Yoda-syntax.Please, blog, may I have some more?
We here at Razzball.com know that picking a fantasy baseball team name is never easy. You want a funny fantasy baseball team name for 2009, but how crude do you go? Do you insult everyone or just women and children? Or maybe you come up a fantasy team name that is some type of (un)imaginative pun like Say It Ain’t Sosa or Put It In The Pujols.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I know; I’m a bad person for putting Josh Hamilton in the 2009 fantasy baseball overrated category. Sorry. I also don’t like soda. It is what it is. Don’t hate the player, hate the cola. Last year, Josh Hamilton entered a 12 step program for fantasy relevance. Step 1.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Maybe Arod and Mark Teixeira can double date with Madonna and Sheryl Crow. Latino Blanco Twin powers activate — form of a mild salsa! Form of a Tequiza tequila-flavored beer! Form of a Chardonnay Sangria! The Yanks sign Teixeira, figuring it would be easier than letting him sign with the Nationals and then buying the entire team.Please, blog, may I have some more?
In our series of 2009 fantasy sleepers, I take a detour down my own personal Heartbreak Hill. Anyone who has read this site for a few knows I had a huge crush on Alex Gordon going into the 2008 season, so it’s with great regret I must confess, “Gordon, I can’t quit you.” That’s right, I’m pegging Gordon as a fantasy sleeper for the 2009 season. Real shame I’m a moron, huh? I wanted to ignore Gordon in 2009, but I just couldn’t. When Katy Perry sang, “You’re yes then you’re no… You’re in then you’re out… You’re up then you’re down… We fight, we break up… We kiss, we make up…” She was prolly talking about me and Alex Gordon. I’m Josh Hamilton and Gordon’s my crack cocaine. You reap what you sow and Gordon has dibbled his way into my heart. Whoever started the Brian Shouse Fan Club, I hereby hire you to do a similar site for Alex Gordon. I will pay you in adulation and expired cigarette coupons. So what can we expect from Gordon for 2009 and why is he a fantasy sleeper?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Okay, the Final Jeopardy answer is 107/40/118/.302/8. Do do do do do do do do… doot do do do do do do… What is Bill James predicting Chris Davis will do in 2009? That’s correct! “What is Bill James smoking?” would have also been accepted. Those numbers look a lot like MVP numbers. I’ll shave my ‘stache if Chris Davis wins the MVP in 2009. That’s right, I said it! Marcel Projections have Chris Davis in 2009 at 54/16/55/.288/3. Our 2009 Fantasy Baseball Projections, which is using only the Marcel Projections as of right now, has Chris Davis at -3.23 in 313th place. Between Akinori Otsuka and Tom Gordon, one guy who didn’t pitch last year and another guy who hasn’t pitched well since Stephen King wrote a book about him. And I think Stephen King gave up writing books to write for EW ten years ago. There’s got to be some in between with these projections, doesn’t there?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jason Heyward, besides having the surname of a 1930s matinee idol, has the mitts of a Yeti and the sturdies (<– that’s legs) of Frank Thomas. His man gams are 117% oak. You thought Jay Bruce could fight crime? Heyward just saved your life and you didn’t even know you were in danger.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Rafael Furcal returns to the Braves, which can’t be a good thing for 2009 fantasy baseball owners. I mean, it can, but it probably won’t be. This move will have people slightly too excited about Furcal. Then you throw in his great April in 2008 — hitting .357 with 5 home runs and 8 steals in only 36 games. Again, this could lead to unrealistic expectations. 36 games does not a season make. Don’t think Furcal has a .350+ average in his tuba case. He doesn’t. Last year, Furcal had a BABIP of .380 in April. A number that would’ve came down if he played the rest of the season, leading Furcal to be the .285 hitter he is.Please, blog, may I have some more?