If the name Casper Wells doesn’t get you excited, check your pulse. You probably still have one, otherwise I’m not sure how you’re reading this. Are you reading this from beyond the grave? Wow, nothing else to do in the afterlife but read about fantasy baseball? That’s awesome! In Triple-A last year, Casper Wells hit 21 homers and chucked in 7 steals. He’s never been much of an average hitter, hmm, that’s not exactly true. He’s a very average 5th outfielder for fantasy, but he doesn’t hit for much of an average. He fails to take a walk and strikes out a decent amount. Earlier this week, Casper hit the sheets out of the ball, homering in four straight games. That’s obviously the ceiling, but, for some pop (assuming you’re not from Minnesota), I’d grab Casper. BTW, Casper’s cheering section should boo. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Ramon Ramirez – What do you get when you mix a Horacio Ramirez (Hor-Ram) and an Asdrubal Cabrera (As-Cab)? A Man-Ram Ram-Ram — heyo! Casilla could see saves, and Affeldt, and Ram-Ram. Basically, anyone in the Giants bullpen may see saves. I’d grab Ram-Ram first, only because he’s already got a save in Wilson’s stead.
Rafael Betancourt – He’s the closer right now. If that’s the kind of thing that gets your goat, bleat bleat.
Chris Sale – The White Sox want to move Sale into a starting role next year, so, of course, Ozzie sends him out for some saves. Santos is still their closer, but Sale will see some saves, depending on how long the time is between his blinks.
Bobby Parnell – He’s the closer in Metco because Izzy reached the who-knew-it-was-coveted 300 save plateau.
Frank Francisco – All SAGNOF, all the time today, huh?
Stephen Strasburg – I just wrote my Strasburg fantasy. I wrote it while doing a body shot off your sister. She likes mustaches. Blame her.
Randy Wolf – I almost left the Wolfman off the list because I have so little faith in him. He seems as likely to go eight innings in his start tomorrow vs. the Mets as he does going five innings and giving up four runs.
Wade Miley – In Triple-A, he had a 3.64 ERA and 56 Ks in 54 1/3 IP. Yawn, Grey. How about Miley sigh…Bust? I understand, Random Italicized Voice, it doesn’t look good but that was in the hitter-friendly PCL. Where the baseballs are made of helium? Yes, I’d grab Miley in NL-Only leagues and watch in mixed.
Jesus Montero – What is that you’re feeding your horse, Apollo? Hay, Zeus. At some point, Montero is going to get called up and be a huge letdown because of all his freakin’ build up. Should just start calling him The Phantom Menace.
Brandon Belt – He hit two homers the first day after his recall, since then it looks like he should be recalled in the other sense of the word. He still has great promise for a better tomorrow. This message was brought to you by the Committee to Elect Grey Albright for Public Office and Stop Whoever Keeps Vandalizing the L Out of the Word Public.
Lucas Duda – In the last seven Duda Duda days, he has two homers while batting .292.
Brandon Allen – The man who sounds like a furniture store has been hitting with the A’s and playing every day sofa, but to couch my comments I’m not sure it’ll continue.
Johnny Giavotella – Playing 2nd base for the peasant Royals and running like crazy, and by crazy I mean not always successfully. Fist pump!
Jimmy Paredes – Speaking of middle infidels that can get you steals, Paredes had 29 steals in Double-A (with a yawnstipating caught stealing percentage, but whatever). He’s playing 3rd every day for the Astros. Welcome to the Dominican Republican Paredes, My Chemical Romance.
Darwin Barney – The Purple Evolutionist is hitting again as he did in the beginning of the season when he gave a little bit of everything except power and speed.
Ryan Raburn – “He’s hitting so much…” Match Game audience response, “How much is he hitting?” He’s actually hitting, that’s how much. Remind me next year that Raburn’s big 2nd half isn’t a sign that a big 1st half in 2012 is coming.
Delmon Young – The other day I went over my Delmon Young fantasy. I wrote it while applying deodorant in an Arby’s bathroom.
Peter Bourjos – If you were to hold Tabata and Bourjos’s season stats next to each other, it would be like Adam Sandler in Jack and Jill, which looks like it might be the worst comedy ever made by a non-Wayan.
Jose Tabata – See 1/8th of an inch above.
Garrett Jones – 41/14/46/.247/5 is his line so far this year. That’s the line that, uh, draws the line between serviceable in NL-Only and mixed leagues.
Ben Revere – He has 21 steals so far this year and he’s hitting leadoff every day for the Twins, who need to run. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Revere get to 35 steals by the end of the year. The steals are coming, the steals are coming!
Nate Schierholtz – He’s currently hitting, but, and maybe this is just me, on teams where I own Schierholtz, I have a hard time looking at my team with the lights on.
Michael Pineda - I love Ks as much as the next guy, potentially more, but at some point you gotta stop the bleeding. Pineda’s ERA in July was 6.75 and it’s 6.55 in August. He’s young, wearing down, yadda3. We’ll grab him again next year, don’t worry.
Carlos Beltran – People are dropping Beltran like Pat Burrell drops flies, and I understand it. Aging vet, bad ballpark and now has a hand injury. Even when he returns, I don’t have much hope for him.
Jason Kubel – Frankly, no relation to Cliff, Kubel isn’t that exciting when he’s hitting, and he has not been hitting anything the whole season. Kinda like the entire Twins offense.
Jason Bay – He has 9 homers, 10 steals and a .239 average on the year. Now I want you to look deep in your soul to answer this next question, would you own him if his name was Crappy McCrapstein?
Todd Helton – We’re cleaning out your father’s fantasy team’s closets today, huh? To preemptively answer your question, I’d go with Carp over Helton. And Morneau (and we know how much I like him). And Moreland. And Jesus Guzman. Okay, I’d go with a lot of guys over Helton. If you think I’m crazy, you may want to check to make sure you’re not watching Sportscenter on ESPN Classic.