Most of the league’s top aces took the hill last night, but none were more impressive than the Padres’ Andrew Cashner, who threw a one-hit shutout, tossing 108 pitches against the ferocious Tigers, walking just two and striking out 11. That’s straight Cashner, homey! Randy Moss would be proud. Cashner’s shutout was the first of the season in all of baseball, and just the second of his career. He now holds a 1.29 ERA and 0.81 WHIP with 22 Ks through three starts. It’s gotta be that beard, right? You don’t have to tell Razzball nation about the magic of facial hair, see: Albright, Grey. Mystic whiskers aside, Cashner was money Friday night, surrendering just the one hit to Rajai Davis (breaking up his perfect game in the 6th), and striking out Miguel Cabrera to end the game. Yes, that Miguel Cabrera! I’ve always been high on Cashner, and I owned him everywhere last year, so naturally, I own him no where this year. After last night, I might have to hit the trade market, because if I can’t own him, no one should! “I want a Golden Andrew Cashner Goose now, daddy!” Andrew has had injury issues in the past, but he has always been solid when healthy, and with high a 90’s fastball that can hit the triple digits, doode throws some serious cheese. The key with Cashner remains his aforementioned health; if he stays healthy, I could see 12-14 wins, 160 Ks and some solid ratios. That kind of Cashner can pay off big for your fantasy team.
Here’s what else happened Friday night in fantasy baseball:
Jose Fernandez – 4.0 IP, 8 hits, 6 ER, 4 BB, 6 K. An Evening of Aces. First up, Fernandez! Oh Jo-Fer, how could you do me like that? Right after I gave you one heart-half of my Batman and Robin necklace. I guess he is human after all. You are not a fish, you’re a man. You are not a fish. Remember when the Marlins had a winning record, you guys? Sigh. I was younger then, and I still owned Avisail Garcia. #themswerethedays
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, RBI. Marlon had no love for the other Marlins in attendance last night. Betrayal! I guess he flies with the Eagles now. Byrd has been the word for him lately, he’s available in over 60% of leagues and he’s worth grabbing while he’s hot.
Chris Tillman – 8.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 runs, 0 ER, 6 K. Chris-T was the hard luck loser last night–but he was still the loser. Ha ha! Ya loser!
CC Sabathia – 7.0 IP, 6 hits, 4 ER, 9 K. Yaaaawn. Yankees. Red Sox. Sabathia. Lester. I feel like I’ve seen this same exact game 100 times. Jon Lester pitched well enough to get the win (6.2 IP, 6 hits, 2 ER, 6 K), but they need to do something to spice this rivalry up a bit. May I suggest cage matches? But oh yeah, Sabathia: sonuvabench! That’s what I would have said if I owned him anywhere.
Edward Mujica – 1.0 IP, K, SV. Mujica did the sloppy swish! That means he “got the save” in the island nation of Mokiki. Koji Uehara was feeling some shoulder stiffness, or was it tightness? Whatever it was he’s day-to-day, and its starting to look like he might need a trip to the DL. If so, Mujica and possibly Junichi Tazawa would likely see save chances, with Mujica being the must add guy in every league he’s available. In the meantime, I get to write like dis, mon, Edward gets his wish, mon, and Mujica does the sloppy swish.
Grady Sizemore – 2-for-4 with a 3-run HR, his 2nd. Graaaady, when you’re hitting I’m smiiii-liiiing. Grady hit this homer pretty good, too. Who needs Jacoby Ellsbury when you got an even less durable version of Ellsbury without the speed? Uhh, yes, please! I’ll take two! …for when the first one goes on the DL in May.
Jonny Gomes – 2-for-5 with a HR as he led off. Heeeere’s Jonny! Normally I’d be intrigued that Gomes led-off, but Boston’s outfield is already crowded and Shane Victorino is set to return soon. He may not be more than a good match ups player for now but he’s worth a look because he’s still the best dressed guy in the league.
Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-4 with his 2nd HR. Sabathia, Soriano, Sizemore. Good grief! The 2007 All Stars called, they want their team back, ya’ll! Soriano usually hits his HRs in bunches, so he’s worth watching closely this weekend.
David Price – 8.1 IP, 4 hits, 1 ER, 10 K. Ka-ching! Dollar sign, dollar sign, charge it! Now that’s an Ace! Worth every penny. He’s got a 2.91 ERA, and 0.97 WHIP along with 22 Ks to just 2 walks in 21.2 IP. It looked like Price was going to finish this one with the shutout, but Joey Votto took him deep in the ninth. I know, Joey was as surprised as you!
Matt Joyce – 2-for-3, 2nd HR. Matty, Matty, Joyce, Joyce always provides some solid value year after year. If he continues to get a look in the 3rd spot in the order, you should give him a look on your waiver wire. He’s available in over 80% of leagues, pick him up, you eeediot!
Francisco Rodriguez – 1.0 IP, 3rd SV. With the Kimbrel! That’s perfect, 3 Ks, yo! Oh snaps. I like the Muppet Master Jim Henderson as much as the next frog, and I feel for you fantasy owners, but its looking to me like K-Rod may run away with this job. The good news is Henderson was back in the set up role and got the hold. The bad news is my girlfriend found the secret folder of Giancarlo Stanton photos on my computer labeled “Work Stuff.”
Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2-run HR. Every fantasy baseballer worth his weight in sweat, grease, and Cheetoh dust knows that you don’t buy ARam until the second half of the season. So sell those 10 RBIs high and buy back in July! Or don’t, no one listens to me anyway. I’m just a greasy, sweaty, mountain dew swilling, Cheetoh eating fantasy fool!
Mark Reynolds – 1-for-3 and his 3rd HR. Grey told you to BUY him! If you were a bit leary-ano about starting Francisco Liriano (6.0 IP, 4 ER, 7 K) you had every right to be. Man oh man can this Brewers team swing for the fences. Reynolds should fit in just fine in Milwaukee, he’s already eating poutine twice a day, which my doctor tells me will stop my heart. Whatevs! Don’t preach at me, doc, healthcare is free now! Thanks a lot, Obama! Grab mini-donkey if you need some power, grab some poutine if you need high blood pressure.
Chris Colabello – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs. You just dropped him didn’t you? That’s a big ol’ “Daaang!” in my best Joe Dirt voice. Life’s a garden, ya’ll, you dig it! Time to pick him back up! Twins scored 10 in this one off 11 hits, with three from Trevor Plouffe. Grey told you to BUY him and Plouffe goes the dynamite! That’s what I’d say if I was on Sportscenter, and that, my friends, is why I’m not on Sportscenter.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4. I see signs of life! The Moose is out there, somewhere, Mulder. Someone get George Clooney in here, we need to resuscitate this shmohawk, STAT!
Justin Upton – 3-for-3 with his 3rd HR. That’s three homers in two games for those following along at home! J-Upside was the hero last night, and its about time we got some of that J-Ups April magic. The jack came in the 8th to tie the game at six, and he followed it up with the game-winning single in the tenth, a play which wunderkind Bryce Harper mishandled and may have cost the Nats the game. More games like this, Justin! Keep it Up-ton and you might see Kate at the next family reunion.
Julio Teheran – 6.0 IP, 10 hits, 5 runs, 2 ER, 1 K. UGH. You’re Teheran OUT my heart, Julio! No Backstreet reference necessary here. First, JoFer now you? Not bad, but do better!
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-3 with a 3-run HR, his 2nd. Grey told you to SELL the Bummerman yesterday. So of course he hits a home run. Of course! Humphrey’s Law or something, right? Yeah Science, Mr. White! This home run would never have even happened were it not for a Dan Uggla error that extended the fifth inning. No error? The home run wouldn’t have happened, Lorraine never would have met George and Marty McFly would have ceased to exist! Mind blown. Batting .355 with 2 HRs, sounds like as good a time to sell Zimm high as any.
Bryce Harper – 3-for-5, run. Despite the outfield gaff, looks like Harper is finally starting to heat up. Sure, he still has to sleep outside for fear that the walls will close in and get him but, hey, baby steps. Now if he could just bat a little higher in the order he might actually drive in some runs. C’mon Matt Williams, you gotta play these guys to the bone while they’re still young! Where’s Dusty Baker when you need him?
Alexei Ramirez – 2-for-4, run, RBI, and his 3rd SB. Don’t look now but Alexei is a top 10 fantasy player. I said don’t look! Sheesh! Jinx it why don’t you. Chris Sale was (5.0 IP, 6 hits, 3 ER, 5 K) chased from this one early after throwing 105 pitches, but the ChiSox had plenty of offense to get Sale his third win. They scored 9 runs on 11 hits with two hits a piece from the Two Adams, Adam Eaton and Adam Dunn, and Conor Gillaspie was 2-for-3 with 4 RBI. Unfortunately, Conor still isn’t welcome in the Adams’ super secret club.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7.0 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 8 K. Shoryuken! After a stinker last week, Ryu unleashed this seven inning gem that would make Ken jealous and Chun-Li blush.
Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 2-run HR (his 3rd), and 5 RBI. AGone has burned me more times in the past three years than my solar powered Zippo. He has about as much passion as James Franco hosting the Oscars. However, he’ll always be one of the best pure hitters in the game in my opinion, and he looks like a good bet for a 25-100 season. So, truce, I guess. For now.
Jose Veras – 1.0 IP, 1 hit, 1 BB, 2 ER, BS. This is why the Cubs can’t have nice things! Or closers! This is why the Cubs can’t have closers. The Shark Jeff Samardzija (7.0 IP, 6 hits, 1 ER, 4 K) pitched great but the pen couldn’t save this one. Really, at this point why bother? Bring back Carlos Marmol, at least there was some comedic value to his awfulness. But wait, Cards closer Trevor Rosenthal wasn’t about to let Veras have all the fun and after pitching two innings in relief, he got owned in the 11th, surrendering a 3-run home run to Wellington Castillo to give this one to the Cubs. Look like Veras will get a break from closing out games for a bit so Pedro Strop and Hector Rondon are your speculative adds for saves here. But honestly, I’m not sure you want any part of this mess.
Yu Darvish – 8.0 IP, 1 hit, 1 BB, 9 K. Friday, I’m in love with Yu. He is good at pitching baseballs.*Fantasy Pro Tip!* Yu was fantastical last night, carrying a perfect game into the sixth, and needing just 101 pitches to notch eight shutout innings. Yu so crazy! He’s now gone 15 scoreless innings since debuting last week and has 15 strikeouts to go along with just two walks. But why don’t Yu get run support, Rangers? I’ve got just The Cure. Scott Feldman (7.0 IP, 2 hits, 3 K) pitched well, but it took Texas 12 grueling innings to finally beat the Astros off a single from Robinson Chirinos, whoever that is. But Yu wasn’t mad, bro. He didn’t get the win, but Boys Don’t Cry, right? I won’t write Yu a LoveSong, but I wish Yu was Close to Me. On my fantasy team close. That’d be Just Like Heaven.
Brad Miller – 2-for-5, and his 3rd HR. Grey told you to draft him and buy him, and again to buy him and look what its got you! A shortstop! Mike Zunino was 2-for-4 with his second homer as well, and Dustin Ackley who’s available in over 50% of leagues, added three hits and two runs as the Ms took out the As for the W.
Felix Hernandez – 7.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, 11 K. Felix almost blew this one in the 8th but the bullpen saved it. No matter, he was still dominant. Joffrey better watch the throne because it belongs to King Felix now (well, technically it belongs to Daenerys Targaryen, daughter of the Mad King Aerys II Targaryen, heir to the Iron Throne and the true ruler of the seven kingdoms of Westeros, but we won’t get into that now). Either way, F-Her grabbed his third win and it would take a Red Wedding to keep him out of the postseason this year.
Madison Bumgarner – 6.0 IP, 9 hits, 4 ER, 7 K, his second win, HR, 5 RBI. MadBum helped his own cause hitting a grand salami in the fourth. If Pablo Sandoval‘s not going to do anything someone’s got to step up, right? I haven’t seen a bum that mad since that Florida guy ate that dude’s face over some bad meth. Did someone sell you some bad meth, Maddy? Yeah, we all been there.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, run. You really have to pick this guy up before someone else does. I’m not going to ask you again nicely. But I will ask you again not-so-nicely. Pick him up already, ya jerk!
Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-4 with his 4th HR. Your number one player in fantasy baseball, ladies and gens! Or number two now? What’s the diff? Is anyone surprised? I’m not surprised, but I am a little sad its not Stanton anymore. We’ll always have that first week, Giancarlo.
J.B. Shuck – 1-for-5 with a 2-run HR. Fresh off his call-up, JB hit one out and while I wouldn’t expect him to do that a lot, JB should get plenty of ABs and is a good add in AL Only leagues. Grey told you to BUY him, and despite Grey assuring us his initials stand for “Just Brad,” he looks much more like a “Jim Bob” to me. Whatever you want to call him, deeper leaguers should grab him if you need an outfielder, two tears and a bucket, Jim Bob, Shuck it!
Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-4, HR. d’amn! The r’ookie hit his first h’ome run of the season!
Mike Trout – 2-for-5, 3rd HR. Once again, last but certainly not least we come to His Troutness. I won’t bore you this time with quotes of scripture from the Complete History of Fish. In fact, through extensive therapy sessions I’ve come to grips with the fact that I’ve never owned Mike Trout in a fantasy league, and probably never will. But you, you owners out there, I want you to make sure you’re good to him, and treat him right, you know, because this is one Trout that’s quite the catch. Cherish him.
Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below, or you can get at me on twitter @dandemanco. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!