Andrew Cashner stole his second base of the season last night. It was a fine effort. Not a straight steal, but a solid jump that looked like a busted hit and run. Whatever it takes to get the man over, I say. Oh, and he also threw a one hitter, giving up one single to fellow Cougar hunter, Jose Tabata. Sonavabench! Coming into the game, he had a 4.41 road ERA and DAH! Well, you know the rest. Someone mentioned yesterday that Cashner could be someone to watch for 2014 fantasy, so that got me thinking. I think, y’all! His K-rate is way down this year (6.48 K/9) and his xFIP is about that of, say, Lance Lynn, Derek Holland and Dan Haren. I love Cashner in Petco. The thought of him in Petco is like listening to a CD of Bob Ross’s voice while on Demerol. I’d say soothing but I have a hard time with my th- sounds. Those comparable names for xFIP don’t scream someone who’s on the precipice of breaking out, assuming the word precipice is even close to being used correctly here. In fact (Grey’s got another point to make!), Haren, Lynn and Holland are pitching better than him. I’m sure I won’t be totally against Cashner next year, because he does have solid stuff, but his numbers don’t get me as excited as when a barista forgets to charge me for sugar syrup. Seriously, Starbucks? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
J.J. Putz – Was activated yesterday, and will act as a set-up man for Ziegler. Surprised Putz and Ziegler escaped the pogroms that were part of the reign of Kevin Towers that took down Scherzer and Bauer.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Guess who’s hot at just the right time? AU SHIZZ!
Matt Kemp – Activated but did not start. If your league has the category, “Lazy Cheers From The Bench While Talking To The Backup Catcher,” Kemp may win you your league.
Cliff Lee – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 14 Ks. The Adverb against the Marlins is unfair like a team owner who has residents of his team’s city pay for a new park then sells off the entire team. Is that irony though? I don’t know. Ask a British person; they’ll know.
Darin Ruf – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Best thing that could happen to the Phils is Ryan Howard agrees to retire eight years early, and not collect the $220-something million coming to him from the team.
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and hitting over .350 in the last week, getting a chance as the Phils starting center fielder. Not much more than a solid batting average guy and SAGNOF (32 steals in Triple-A this year). If you need that sorta thing, grab a little Cesar. Pizza, pizza.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. *laughing hysterically like a mad man or Tom Cruise* I don’t have any idea what to make of Porcello from start to start, so I still think he’s risky for his next start vs. the White Sox, though the Stream-o-Nator marginally likes it.
Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. I read early yesterday that Smoak was returning to the lineup, but I didn’t read why I should care.
Abraham Almonte – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in the last week as he bats close to .400. Guess it’s time to explain him a bit further. His friends call him SAGNOFraham, and we can too. He’s spent about a decade in the minors, but he’s still only 24 years old. Though, there’s always a chance he’s a Latin 24. I don’t see a long term pick up here, but there’s only like 12 days left of the season, so who cares? I’d grab him for speed and hope the power continues.
Matt Harvey – Went to see Dr. Freeze on Monday and the Mets will announce today what was discovered. Dr. James Andrews was fine with announcing it yesterday, but the Mets needed to wait until a check cleared to pay him.
Felix Hernandez – Won’t start on Wednesday and then the Mariners will see on Thursday if their franchise player can start this weekend in a meaningless game. Yeah, I’m sure he’ll be pitching this weekend.
Wilson Betemit – Designated for assignment. Or as Fritz Lang would say to an actor that bungled their lines, “You are Bete-mit out job!”
Matt Adams – 2-for-4, 1 runs. Our favorite Rubenesque model is in Coors for another three games. Grab him before the hourglass expires and looks like him.
Carlos Gonzalez – He’s talking about having middle finger surgery that could limit him next year and he may never be 100% again. Sweet! He’s already injuring himself for next year and the rest of his career. Does he really need to flip people off that bad? Is he moving to New Jersey?
Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting near .350 in the last week. He must be enjoying the benefits of affirmative action.
Caleb Gindl – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer and 2nd in as many games. Dah, I was so close to grabbing him for a batty call, and now I’m beginning to think he’s a real live hot schmotato.
Wily Peralta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. I streamed him here vs.the Cubs, but he gets the Cards next and now Wily is no longer on my team. Thank you, come again!
Jarrod Parker – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER. So, his stomach flu and vomiting on Sunday turned out to be contagious for his owners.
Mike Trout – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer as he hit a garbage time homer when the Angels were already up by seven, bringing out his altar ego, Mike T. Rout.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 34th homer, raising his RBIs to 98. Comatose Angels Fan, “Wow, with Trumbo having that monster of a season and Hamilton and Pujols, I bet Arte Moreno’s glad he spent one-point-two billion on the club!”
Kole Calhoun – 3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs. Yes, you should absolutely pick him up. Yes, right now.
Alexi Ogando – Will start for the Rangers on Tuesday but be limited to 3-4 innings so Ctrl-Alt-Ignore.
Alexei Ramirez – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Sticking with the vodka-Kahlua theme, Alexei didn’t do what was expected of him this year, but did more in different ways. Will be interesting to see if he finds his power again next year and holds his newfound speed. I didn’t say very interesting.
Jordan Danks – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He’s been incredibly boring over the last week, so I’d take this as a one game thing unless he does it again today.
Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Hitter-Tron loves him over the next two days like it loves Motörhead, and especially on Wednesday. Hard not to like anyone against what the Twins are calling pitching. Somewhere, Radke splits the bull’s eye with his third straight dart and shakes his head.
Scott Kazmir – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Soooo…that stream sucked furry balls. Thanks, Kazmir, you insanely inconsistent SOB! He makes YoGa seem like a calming influence.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games for him, but not as many games for the Indians because they platoon him. Unfortch, the Tribe gets like five straight lefties so Lonnie is gonnie. <–alliteration in lieu of wit!
Yordano Ventura – Was called up by the Royals to start on Tuesday. He was number 26 on Scott’s top 50 fantasy baseball prospects list, and he did a whole Yordano Ventura fantasy, complete with rainbows, unicorns and dried apple chips. Definitely worth stashing in deep keeper leagues, but for this year, I wouldn’t mess with him unless you need the high risk of a roofie and the possibility of waking up in a bathtub of ice with a missing kidney.
James Shields – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks. With the Wild Card still in play, the Royals gave the ball to Big Game James and he came through as Ervin covered his eyes, saying, “No look.” Hmm, maybe I’ll leave our fantasy basketball stuff to JB.
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. The Royals refuse to move him up in the order to leadoff, but Alcides is hitting near .400 in the last week and I’ve been rocking him in the RCL where I’m leading the league, way above Rudy. Have I mentioned that yet today?
Salvador Perez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting near .350 over the last week. Hey, if he wants to say before every at-bat, “By the power of mi abuelita!” I’m cool with it if he’s hitting.
Sean Marshall – Activated from the DL after going on it on May 24th. That was the worst Marshall injury since Penny Marshall was cat-clawed by Cindy Williams after being caught making out with Squiggy.
Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks as he activated. Tad better than I expected, but I still can’t imagine he’s going to go much deeper than six innings in any start he gets this year. Nothing but a risky streamer at this point, even if he gets the Mets next.
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer. Back to his old tricks of going from hot to cold back to hot. Your guess is as good as mine what he is now, but it shouldn’t hurt any Reds hitter to face the Astros for two more days. Over/under for runs scored over the next two days is 15.
Wil Myers – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. I gave him the projections of 30/14/35/.280/4. Like Harrison Ford’s quarter Jewish ancestry, not too shabby. Oh, and Myers is a top 100 player now for next year.
Alex Cobb – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. Since we opened this blurb-fest with Cashner, let me tie this thing together by saying Cobb is waaaaaaaaay better. Yes, eight A’s. The same number that can hide behind Coco Crisp’s afro.