At least that’s the creed that Francona and Epstein keep repeating to themselves as they sit in the fetal position on opposite corners of the clubhouse shower. Carl Crawford seems like a nice guy. Something about the name Carl. So innocuous. “Hey, sis, what’s your new boyfriend’s name? Carl? I’m gonna like him on Facebook.” That’s you jibber-jabbering with your family. Because Carl seems like a nice guy could be partially why it’s so sad to see him struggle this much. Doode better not stand too close to the Pesky pole in a lightning storm cause he will get struck. That’s been his luck so far. Franconian measures were taken to get Crawford going by openly mocking him with a lineup switch. That never helps. It’s like when you’re a teenager and your Mom makes an appointment for you to see a dermatologist. Suddenly, you realize you’re not hiding your acne as good as you thought you were. Crawford is really doing nothing wrong other than getting extremely unlucky. That luck will turn around and he’ll suddenly look like the 2nd round pick he was in the preseason. To misquote a cliche, get in now while the gettin’s not good. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Brett Wallace – Sure, his ESPN Player Card looks like he had some bad work done by Dr. 90210 (you storing acorns in those cheeks, Brett? Brett looks like he says, “Franks and beans! Franks and beans!”), but he’s hitting at a near-.600 clip over the last week.
Brandon Wood – He’s one of the top prospects in the game! Low voice: From 6 years ago.
David Cooper – With the demotion of Snider (don’t write), Cooper will fill-in as the Jays DH. For the Triple-A Vegas Fake Boobs, Cooper slashed .395/.438/.617. His BABIP was silly ridiculous, so the average there isn’t happening but his power is decent. When you put ‘decent power’ into Google translator, it spits back ‘Above James Loney but below Justin Smoak. Say Ike Davis. No, you don’t have to literally say it.’ Geez, Google translator sounds a bit testy. In AL-Only leagues, he’s a must own — obviously. I’d take a flyer on him in deeperish mixed leagues, depending on how bad you muffed your corner infidel slot.
Sergio Santos – This is probably still Mergio Salthorntos’ job, but Serge is a nose ahead.
Eduardo Sanchez – Similar shituation to the White Sox. It’s not clearly Eduardo’s job. Imagine, if you will, you’re traveling through another dimension — a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land where Ozzie and La Russa make every decision for you. You order a burger then a steak then a piece of chicken. You get your car washed, decide halfway through that you need a shower and hop out of your car. You go to the movies and leave halfway through the opening credits. That’s a signpost up ahead: your next stop: the Twilight Zone!
Vicente Padilla – I’d go with Kuo first. Speaking of which…
Hong-Chih Kuo – Hello, I wish to welcome everyone who was sent here from the ellipsis in Padilla’s blurb. Make yourself comfortable. Can I offer you some tea?
Darren Oliver – He sounds like a sitcom character. Not a funny one. The straight man. Not that there’s anything wrong with being straight. Feliz is a lock to be saving games in a week (please, God, let that be true), but I’d own Oliver in the mean’s while.
Wilson Ramos – Grey’s Prediction That Doesn’t Matter At All Of The Day: Ramos is going to be on and off waivers all year then will be drafted next year around 140 overall as he appears on sleeper lists all across the interwebs.
Mike Aviles – Not a huge fan, but he’s on his way to 15/15 season and his average should come up.
Jeff Baker – Baker has been so hot. Like an oven.
Darwin Barney – The Purple Evolutionist, as someone coined him in the comments the other day, is hitting over his head, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ride the hot schmotato.
Clint Barmes – He’s still available in my NL-Only league and I’m not exactly rushing to pick him up. Never the hoo! If you’re rocking someone two eggs short of an omelet, I’d stash Barmes.
Domonic Brown – Pick him up now, DL him for a few weeks, then trade him a day before he returns. Or ride the Brown lightning. Hmm, that sounds kinda weird.
Randy Wolf – Could someone please make a t-shirt with three pictures of Wolf howling at the moon? That is all.
Alex White – Just went over Alex White this morning. Scroll on, scroller!
Brandon Beachy – Me telling you to grab Beachy seems so three Buy/Sell’s ago, but he’s still only owned in 23% of ESPN leagues. The same Beachy that has 31 Ks in 29 1/3 IP, a 31:9 K:BB and a 1.09 WHIP.
Gordon Beckham – Hitting under .200 with 2 homers and 1 steal. At this point, I’d prefer to own Gordon Shumway. I think it’s fair to say we can move on from this schmohawk.
Aubrey Huff – Depends on the league whether you’re dropping him or trading him (as with most of these guys), but I warned you in the preseason of Huff’s Saberhagenish on/off years. In fact, I’ll quote it for you cause that’s how I roll, “A big flashing red arrow is pointing at his alternate seasons of 15 home runs a piece in 2007 and 2009. If you get an off season from Huff, you’ve just lost your league. That’s just me being real wit’ you. You see the truth is everybody wanna know how close me and Huff is. Or who I’m still cool wit’.” And that’s me quoting me and paraphrasing Dr. Dre! Can we get Detox already? I need a doctor.
Bobby Abreu – Getting some spring cleaning done here. I think Abreu’s done cause he looks cooked.
Wade Davis – I’m not telling you to drop him, but I’m wondering in the dark recesses of my medulla oblongata if you can sell Davis for more ducats than he’s worth. Obviously, I’m talking deep leagues here since he’s not even owned in all leagues. He is pitching far above his head ratio-wise. His K-rate is atrocious (4+) and he’s getting lucky with balls hit into play. In AL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t sell him for a white chocolate dipped fortune cookie, but I’d explore offers.